I THINK 

the thing that was 

HOLDING them

UP

was that they had realized 

e.e. was recommending 

the restaurant 

BUT 

didn't EAT seafood 

SO

wasn't really a 

GOOD 

SOURCE of source information 

BUT 

regardless

I am walking down the pier

I had a dried starfish 

which they had 

GIVEN me

perhaps to keep me entertained 

& it WAS entertaining me

BUT 

it was ALSO 

KINDA

freaking me out

it was BIG for my hands

VERY textured 

 

the tiny dried LEGS 

I couldn't HANDLE 

SO I was

PICKING them OFF

as I wandered 

towards

my new friend 

the lesson I've been 

DOWNLOADING 

last night

TODAY

I guess I have to remember 

so they're letting me 

REMEMBER 

parts 

of it

you HAVE to 

STORE

JOY

in your muscles

it's VERY important 

I woke up multiple times 

with CRAMPS 

in the front of my thigh muscles 

NOT in the big strong muscles

in the weak

front inner thigh muscles 

I had a hard time 

WALKING that OFF

there was a bunch a more stuff

BUT 

I don't remember it

STORE JOY in your muscles 

JUST now

I guess 

BEFORE I woke up 

I was talking to 

YOU 

& you seemed 

solid, not tentative 

it wasn't specifically romantic 

BUT 

it was kinda thrilling none the less

my LAST san francisco memory 

we were going to

FISHERMAN'S wharf 

my aunt e.e.

my aunt joan

my gran gran

& I

we were walking purposefully towards

a huge glass box on the water

HEAVY FORMAL

curtains 

in some color that was probably named

federal gold

I was definitely intrigued 

& I didn't understand 

WHY

they stopped walking & snarled themselves into

a CLUMP

BUT 

it didn't matter, really 

I took the opportunity to walk AWAY 

to EXPLORE something 

it looked interesting 

BUT 

I couldn't quite 

make out what it was

I'm falling asleep 

I gotta go to bed 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

🫶🫶🫶👾🫚🍀🔥🫶🫶🫶

goodnight ☄️ 

❤️

I went to the movies 

& LUNCH 

in the spirit of leaving the house 

I was going to go see

the new cohen bros

EXCEPT 

it wasn't a cohen bros

it was just one of them

& I'm LIKE 

MAYBE 

I should just watch a trailer 

& it was

SO

violent

I was LIKE 

I'm not sure I can handle that

SO

I went to fantastic four and I do not recommend 

I liked to aesthetic 

FUTURISTIC fifties

BUT 

it was TOO broad strokes

& it raised issues 

it wasn't prepared to deal with 

or resolve

& it was confusing 

that face oil

from canada 

I go through it pretty quickly 

BUT 

they send me emails 

& the FUNNY thing is 

I get these aggressive emails 

eileen fisher

if I was looking at anything on her website 

she sends this email

what if THIS was the ONE

sh*t like that

BUT 

nena

if it's been a little while since I've ordered 

they send me this email that says

we miss you

that one

I say, that's sweet

it's not really different 

BUT 

it KINDA is, ya KNOW 

it FEELS more real

the eileen fisher feels like

I'm watching you

you should 

BUY

that sh*t before you miss out, you know you

WANT IT

the NENA feels more like

we're a small business 

we ran a REPORT 

you could legitimately be low on product 

we want you to BUY from us AGAIN 

BUT 

we also want you to FEEL like 

part of the group connected

AND

we don't want to presume

to TELL you 

LIKE 

this is your reminder 

BUT 

WE are HERE doing ALL the skincare

FACIALS

PARTIES

and we miss you

I think I FEEL more connection to them

than really makes any SENSE 

BUT 

SOMETHING 

is going on 

I GOT 

an EXTRA box

my mist has been discontinued 

I suspect because 

ingredients 

COST

it's not their best seller 

I have NON-standard taste

SO

it's not that uncommon for me 

to find a product 

only to have it

discontinued 

I really like it though 

undefined beauty 

mineral mist

I really do think it's possible 

they sent me the package 

to be 

EMOTIONAL support-ive

there wasn't a note though

I need to get to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY very MUCH sweetheart 💋

🫶🫶🫶👾🫚🍀🔥🫶🫶🫶

☄️ goodnight ☄️ 

I was all over the place today

I have been

REALLY 

busy in my dreams

then I don't remember anything 

I'm trying to remember 

san francisco 

I THINK 

I just have one more 

MEMORY 

& I LIKE it, but it's not very externally interesting 

SO

I'm turning it over

LOOKING 

for NEW evidence 

& I FOUND some

SO

then I had to look for MORE, but I haven't found it

YET

it's green

I am vaguely 

elphaba

SOMETIMES 

I get such 

RANDOM stuff SCREAMING 

THINK about ME

LIKE 

HATS

are NOT important 

generally 

I HAVE hats

BUT 

I don't think any of them

DO much 

FOR me 

I don't look good in hats, generally 

& it's like a running in the

BACKGROUND 

low-key 

LIFE goal

to find a HAT that I think looks

REALLY good on me

THAT

I WILL wear

& it's NEVER important 

BUT 

sometimes

it grabs me

& SAYS

THINK about ME now

I had a strange thing 

HAPPEN 

for my skincare

I am now using NENA face oil for moisturizer 

from canada 

& very recently I needed to order more

& they very kindly 

did a twenty percent off sale

SO

I ordered three bottles 

they also had a promo

free sunscreen

with purchase 

BUT 

I was already using the coupon box

SO

I wasn't expecting to GET 

BOTH

the twenty percent 

& the free sunscreen 

BUT 

I DID 

JUST NOW 

UPS delivered ANOTHER box

I looked at it

& it's FROM nena 

huh

SO

I opened it

it's ANOTHER sunscreen 

did they decide to send me EXTRA 

because they HEARD about 

TEXAS?

aunt e.e. was GIVING 

DRIVING directions to my aunt joan

WHERE 

we were trying to get 

I'm not sure I 

KNEW

then

BUT 

what I should 

MENTION 

is that

e.e.

didn't 

DRIVE 

SO

MAYBE 

she REALLY didn't REALIZE what she was doing 

as she steered her onto the TOP ELEVATION 

of LOMBARD street 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

I'm gonna sleep some

🫶🫶🫶👾🫚🍀🔥🫶🫶🫶

❤️❤️❤️

I read substack 

not that coherently 

BUT 

it was STILL awesome 

I went BACK 

I had gotten distracted by the

BEAUTIFUL things 

I realized 

I didn't 

respond or something 

THAT SMILE 

that MURAKAMI is like poetry PAINTED

& EVERYTHING 

with WORDS

genius 

I can't FIND that CD

I don't have batteries 

& I'm not even 

SURE 

the player works 

BUT 

I remembered that there's a player at the studio 

SO

I was gonna take it to the studio 

OR

MAYBE I DID 

BUT 

I didn't play it

because either I didn't TAKE it 

OR I didn't want to have

a discussion about it

with her

& I don't know where it is

BUT 

I thought maybe that was part of the 

COSMIC plan, somehow 

MAYBE 

I'm supposed to be in some particular 

HEADSPACE 

or, I MEAN, maybe I just suck

I've been LOW-KEY stressed about 

NOT having listened to it 

BECAUSE 

I KNOW 

it's 

AWESOME 

I'm sorry 

I KNOW pretty much for certain 

THAT is NOT 

the thing you want to hear

those SNIPPETS are 

BEAUTIFUL 

& YOU are 

BEAUTIFUL 

& if I can't find it soon

I will buy a digital

COPY 

I was with my mom today 

I THINK 

I'm getting better at 

NOT 

letting it affect me so much

I asked her 

if she

KNEW 

what was going on in texas 

& she was like 

they don't want women to vote

they don't want people to have health care

& I'm LIKE 

I'm not talking about long term goals

I'm talking about what 

HAPPENING 

I get no sense that she has

ANY FEELING 

about ANY

of it

& I'm LIKE 

are you not worried at all

she STARTED with

I have a HEART CONDITION

ARE YOU TRYING to 

BUT 

then she SEEMED to think better of it

she ACTUALLY has 

CONGESTIVE heart failure 

NOT 

like high blood pressure or anything 

SO

she's not on a hair trigger 

& MAYBE 

she didn't want to 

POKE

the bear

EVERY THING 

t*ump has ever done upsets me, she said

NOTHING upsets me

any more than any other thing

which doesn't sound like 

something that came from a REAL place inside 

TO ME, but, ya KNOW, whatever

THEN

she proceeded to ASK ME

WHY

the epstein files were of 

SO MUCH 

interest

WHEN

he was elected

the FIRST time she saw me AFTER 

she SAID 

YOU 

NEED

to FIND a WAY 

that THIS 

DOES NOT 

UPSET 

you

I guess 

because she didn't want to be hearing about it

because she said it

in the SAME voice

she told me to

JUST DECIDE 

to be happy 

when I was having HORRIBLE depression 

in my EARLY twenties 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶🫶🫶

👾🫚🍀🔥

❤️

it's been a 

strange

VIBE

today

I'm really excited for you 

that you get to

GO there

& in such good company 

get ready

for ALL the MAGIC 

I anticipate 

SO MUCH 

MAGIC 

goodnight sweetheart 💋

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶🫶🫶

👾🫚🍀🔥☄️

❤️

I WAS

gonna talk about edith elizabeth 

BUT 

I didn't HAVE therapy 

& I don't 

WANT

to

SO

I'm gonna talk about

STUFF 

I remember 

I suspect 

I slept 

MOST of the DRIVE 

because ever since I was a baby

drive me around put me to

SLEEP 

&

we were STILL firmly

in the

PAREGORIC era 

I remember when we got there

the house she was 

LIVING in 

it LOOKED very similar to 

that house you see

with Janice

in front 

there were LIKE three other girls

there at the TIME 

& one of them

gave me

a picture book to keep me occupied 

A is for APPLE 

I remember 

WALKING 

LIKE 

seemed like ACROSS the street

to golden gate park

& wading barefoot into a little 

CREEK or something 

there was CONTEXT talk for this outing

which I can't remember 

BUT it meant 

SOMETHING to e.e.

THAT is what 

I called her

AUNT e.e.

I went to chinatown with gran gran and joan 

we rode the trolley 

the trolley 

it doesn't STOP 

SO

they each took one of my arms

& JUMPED

it HURT

like my arms being pulled out of the sockets

is HOW I described it

LATER

BUT 

it was KINDA exciting 

& it stopped 

HURTING 

pretty

quickly

in chinatown 

I guess what I WANTED was 

this GOLDEN lacquered 

plastic APPLE 

that came

with

a stack of golden lacquered plates

GOLD

on the outside 

BLACK

on the inside 

I THINK I thought 

it was RICH and elegant

I'm not sure what 

I was planning to 

DO 

with it

I THINK I thought 

it was SO beautiful 

it didn't 

NEED 

a purpose

TOO

MUCH

SCROLLING 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 💋 💋 💋 

therapy cancelled 

by therapist 

continuing to sleep for now

good morning sweetheart 💋 

gonna take a nap 

before therapy 

💋

NO 

I have the math 

WRONG 

somehow 

she was born

in nineteen fifteen 

she was married in nineteen thirty five

she was fifty five

they were thirty four

& fifty one

with a three and a half year old

I remember 

we stayed at a motel

that had big sculpture of stallions 

they bought me TOYS 

along the way

I played QUIETLY 

in the BACK seat

a wooden train

some indian dolls

did we sing

I don't remember 

did we play

games

did we listen to the RADIO 

I don't remember 

SNIPPETS

of conversation 

I remember 

putting 

PERFUME -- or what I thought at the time was

on corduroy's belly

messing up his fur

I don't think it was intentional 

I didn't expect THAT 

result

I think their POINT was

you have no MEANS 

WE will have to 

PICK up

YOUR 

slack

& we have OTHER plans

BUT 

when it came down to it 

they WOULD 

& the funny thing was 

deborah 

the big

FEMINIST 

was really the ONLY one 

TALKING about 

UNwed mother

everybody else 

was MORE like

WELL 

I guess we're doing this

I don't think I 

REALLY 

even remembered 

HOW 

MUCH

of

a negative role model

by which I MEAN 

SHE seemed

LIKE 

my guide 

of what

NOT 

to do

& THAT

MAYBE started

with the not married having a kid

BUT 

they WANTED her

to have an abortion, gran gran & joan 

I think 

they thought it was such an obvious choice 

it didn't NEED explanation 

SHE

WANTED the kid

wanted to live at home and have gran gran 

HELP her

WAIT 

I'm getting FACTS wrong 

the time we went to get her

she WASN'T pregnant 

it was TOO early 

she must have gone back

sunrise was born in 1971

it makes more sense 

because it wasn't 

a TENSE trip

& SUNRISE was BORN in california 

she ALWAYS kinda 

LOOKED like a california girl to me

she had a little bit of a 

I mean 

at that point 

it was speach therapy 

in school

seemed like an accent to me

& though it probably wasn't specifically california 

THAT is HOW I read it 

Opameal 

Li-berry

& she was vegetarian 

in texas 

in the SEVENTIES

I'm not sure if I've ever TOLD you this

probably I did

BUT 

MAYBE not

not coherently, completely 

my hippie aunt

WENT to

HAIGHT ASHBURY

she was on her WAY to the FARM

when she REALIZED she was 

PREGNANT with 

SUNRISE 

my VERY FIRST road trip

we drove to california to get my aunt e.e.

my gran gran 

my aunt joan 

& me

I was three and a half

a LOT of it

I DON'T remember 

SOME of it

I DO

I THINK that picture of ME with gran gran in

SUNGLASSES 

I suspect it's 

FROM that TRIP 

OK

power is back 

I wasn't sure about it 

because it was flickering 

& THAT 

LAST time 

meant that it was ungrounded and had to be

turned back off

& THAT

was supposedly fixed

BUT 

ALSO

EVERY light bulb I have is fluorescent 

& those do flicker

a little 

in this CONTEXT 

BUT 

it seems FINE now

Lightning 

POWER outage 

I'm sitting in the 

DARK 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

I'm not sure if I'm gonna be writing anything else 

TONIGHT 

F*CK

no A/C

🫶🫶🫶👾🫚🍀🔥🫶🫶🫶

goodnight sweetheart ☄️

MAYBE 

this will make more sense 

the tips of my fingers

it turned out

I think it

WAS

BLISTERS 

& over the course of my being sick 

they separated and

PEELED off

& I feel like 

parts of ME are doing that

& the process isn't finished 

BUT 

I'm appreciating the metamorphosis 

there's 

SO MUCH going on in my HEAD

BUT 

I can't explain it 

EVEN

the stuff I'm AWARE of 

can REMEMBER 

I just want to ask you 

if you saw

BEAUTIFUL things

& if anything 

FREAKED 

you out

I'm MAINLY working at 

nervous system 

REGULATION 

BUT 

also a sort of

REinforcement of MEness

REconnecting with my 

BODY

& AGAIN 

I want to thank you

for the GREEN

part of the

PROFACY*

*is that spelled right? I tried it with "ph" but that looked wrong too

I really do feel like 

this whole JOURNEY is 

something I was

supposed to DO

& EVEN though 

this part is not all that led up to HERE 

it is a necessary thing 

for this 

EVOLUTION 

& I know I'm not making sense 

it's really hard 

to represent 

BUT 

YOU 

🔥

I should sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

🫶🫶🫶👾🫚🍀🔥🫶🫶🫶

I'm watching this hurricane 

& it's supposed to 

"thread the needle"

between the eastern seaboard 

& bermuda 

BUT 

I'm wondering 

does it make me

a BAD person 

that I WANT 

it to HIT

florida 

since they spent FEMA money 

on alligator alcatraz

I had a headache 

I spent all day

in bed

I just got up

a little while ago

I just watched 

marc maron

does not disappoint 

I still have a headache 

& I can't decide if I'm hungry 

I had SO MANY dreams 

WORKED through 

a bunch of 

STUFF 

I can't remember 

I'm drifting into a 

PATTERN 

of later and later

probably 

that is not a good idea 

I'm going to try to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

🫶🫶🫶👾🫚🍀🔥🫶🫶🫶

goodnight ☄️

I'm just imagining 

how beautiful 

I LOVE 

I was trying to think

if I've ever

SEEN any part of california 

that wasn't 

KINDA

beautiful 

& then I remembered 

& it made me

LAUGH

I saw

CLUELESS 

whenever that was

& they're 

doing a collection for the PISMO beach disaster

& I didn't think anything of it

ya KNOW 

there ARE disasters

ALL the TIME 

THEN 

years later

I'm driving up the ONE

ALL of a 

SUDDEN -- there is pismo beach --

LIKE 

something PICKED up 

ELSEWHERE 

& DROPPED 

suddenly I GOT the joke I didn't know WAS one

& I remembered THAT 

& chortled AGAIN 

I hope you had a 

california beautiful day sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶🫶🫶

I hope you have fun tonight 🥳

it's 

BEAUTIFUL 

those palm trees

really make

stuff nice

I need to sleep 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much ☄️

🫶🫶🫶👾🫚🍀🔥🫶🫶🫶

there's this bit

I don't want to have a big

BACK STORY 

I have been 

the KIND

of person 

who gets excited & gives people nicknames

& some guy I worked with

I told him

FINE

HIT me

nickname me

& in the CONTEXT 

it was a NAME

not freestyle 

& he called me

DAISY 

which I didn't love

BUT 

it made me think 

& THEN

years later

I was LIKE 

yup

rhymes with 

CRAZY

& it made me so happy

I'm sure 

I never TOLD you that 

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP 

goodnight ☄️

SWEETHEART 💋 I LOVE you VERY much 

🫶🫶🫶👾🫚🍀🔥🫶🫶🫶

it was really great

❤️

layers

of great

I spent years in school

trying to argue the

CASE

that although three of us were elizabeths 

beth and lisa 

preferred THOSE names

leaving me FREE to go by the name I preferred 

the ONLY thing 

ANYBODY 

CALLED me 

I mean my dad called me 

GRACE

when I fell down or ran into things

SARAH

when he felt I was being dramatic 

but he didn't call me those things as nicknames 

NO NO, they'd say

it wouldn't be FAIR 

YOU 

MUST

be liz 

& if there was ALREADY a liz 

you'd think 

BUT 

you'd be 

WRONG 

THEN

I became liz b.

SO

my WHOLE life 

I'm LIKE 

DON'T 

call 

me 

LIZ

& I ONLY got it right 

the FIRST time 

if you can't call me by my name

CALL me ROSE*

*at summer glassel children's art class

took mom to the doctor today 

WITHOUT incident 

I've been using a

MASSAGER 

on these

TAP 

points

EVERY DAY 

my purpose in doing this 

is to help 

REGULATE

my nervous system

& while I'm doing THAT 

I'm meditating

trying 

to get

CALIBRATED

I've been 

UNCERTAIN 

whether it was working 

because 

I haven't been at the IDEAL frequency 

I haven't been SUPER coherent 

BUT 

it IS working 

I LOVE you 

I hope 

you are having a beautiful day 🫶 🫶 🫶 

I've had 

TIME of the SEASON 

stuck in my HEAD 

before I went to bed and since I got up

stuff is going on in there

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

🫶🫶🫶👾🫚🍀🔥🫶🫶🫶

goodnight ☄️

I went a lot

of directions today

just watched you again 

I freaked out 

a little 

today

I LOVE you 

VERY 

MUCH

💋

I kept wanting to tell you 

SOMETHING 

about the danger

& THEN 

I'm LIKE 

b*tch, 

you the one won't leave the house 

I'm SO GLAD it got

BETTER 

I keep wanting to 

HUG you

& TELL you 

SOMETHING 

about the QUANTUM field 

❤️

please be safe out there 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

you're my person 

❤️

I guess it was just a screw loose

which again it was kinda

maybe SYNCHRONOUS 

is the word I'm looking for 

right before I saw

THAT

I was in the bathroom 

I was looking at 

the side of the door

&

I SUDDENLY became fixated on the fact

that the phillips head screws in the

what would you call it

LATCH hardware 

& the doornob

FULLY half

of them

we're

STRIPPED 

badly enough that it might be a problem 

if you had to remove any of it

& I'm LIKE 

I'm confident you've 

SEEN this BEFORE 

WHY

is it CATCHING 

NOW

I KNOW 

I'm maybe taking LONGER than expected 

to WORK through all this

JUNK

BUT 

if I get all FREAKED out 

ABOUT 

HOW LONG 

I don't think I will be able to do it 

TODAY 

or I guess yesterday 

was VERY 

unfocused 

I took a

NAP

BUT 

I wanna be SURE 

to SAY

you have been 

NOURISHING 

& I feel like all the scary drama 

MIGHT have 

DETRACTED

I MEAN 

it's growth and I'm happy about it 

BUT 

I WANT to 

WARM fuzzies MORE 

than I feel like I'm managing 

YOU 

🔥

I seem to be

more coherent 

TODAY

I was trying to explain 

I GET 

that my mom

doesn't love me in any way

that feels real to me

& maybe she loves me some way

that feels meaningful to her

or maybe she doesn't 

BUT 

I can't just say to her

I don't feel like you love me

or whatever

because she can't understand 

she's not self aware

she's messed up

blah blah blah 

BUT 

it's not like

she used to be some different way

she still is essentially 

the same 

& 

I find it extremely demoralizing to think

that what I am aiming for 

is

I don't CARE that my mother doesn't love me

it has no affect on me

I really NEED to 

REFRAME this

SO

I've got a 

PLAN

the stuff that comes out of her

MOUTH NOISES 

she isn't competent 

she's not senile

BUT 

she isn't competent to express anything to me 

just smile and nod

& don't let it

affect me

we'll see how that GOES, but it feels 

BETTER than 

having

EVERYTHING 

brought up

EVERY 

TIME

I'm gonna sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

🫶🫶🫶👾🫚🍀🔥🫶🫶🫶

goodnight ☄️

I've also 

SPENT

a FAIR amount of TIME 

thinking about 

THINGS 

I'd like to SEE in america 

GET RID

of the electoral college

VOTING

mandatory everybody 

ONLY individuals can 

DONATE to political CANDIDATES 

UP TO 

some reasonable amount

THESE

are ROUGHLY 

arranged by the ORDER I thought of them

ELECTORAL college 

was HIGH school 

I USED to think 

probably 

EVERYBODY 

should do some kind of civil or military service 

BUT 

I THINK 

it could be a lot 

BETTER 

than that 

it could be like

WHAT

COULD 

YOU DO

FOR 

YOUR

COUNTRY 

we'd HAVE to TAX the RICH

BUT 

we could BUILD 

or FIX

or RENEW

or BEAUTIFY

or CULTURALLY preserve

we could urban garden

we could TEACH people 

important SKILLS 

we could just have it be kids for a year or two after highschool 

OR

we could open it up in other ways

CREATIVE solutions for HOUSING 

there are SO MANY ideas

we could do prizes or grants or something 

BUT 

the IDEA is to get people into

HOMES they OWN

I MEAN

universal healthcare 

BUT 

MAYBE 

it could include alternative medicine 

SOMEHOW 

(pretty please)

I REALLY think

there should not be the click bait 

PRIORITY PROFIT 

NEWS

BUT 

I don't really want state run news either

SO

I'm not sure how to handle that 

ELECTORAL districts

drawn up by third party in such a way

that it actually 

REPRESENTS 

SENSIBLE 

groupings of people 

supreme court reform

this is by no means exhaustive

I can't go to california 

RIGHT NOW 

I REALLY 

WANT

to

DRIVE the TEN

THAT

is my FAVORITE highway

& SO

THAT

would be the

GLORY ROAD*

*god, that sounds some kinda way, but that's what came out

BUT 

I can't do that properly 

NOW

& money is a consideration 

& LIFE stuff 

SO

I'm not sure what to say 

NOT I'm sorry 

I AM sorry 

I

WANT

to

I'll try to be

MORE

of a support 

TODAY 

I LOVE you 

I WANT 

to make you

HAPPIER

I WANT to 

SQUEEZE you

TIGHT

call you

LOVEBUG

or something goofy

to make you

LAUGH 

I'm american and I have strong feelings for and about America

I'm not wanting to make it seem like

I don't 

AMERICANS have a remarkable capacity 

it BELIEVE in things

to pull reality 

KICKING 

and

SCREAMING 

into the 

we fixed up the barn and put on a show

that we're currently fixated on

AND

SOMETIMES 

it's a 

BAD

SHOW 

WE NEED

a BETTER 

SHOW

WE LOVE a CONMAN

there's a sucker born every minute 

THAT'S 

part, core part, of america 

BUT 

it's 

NOT the ONLY

PART

that's what I got

RIGHT NOW 

I LOVE you 

I just read a THING 

that said there are eight million registered 

DEMOCRATS in texas 

& six & a half million registered 

REPUBLICANS in texas 

& they are gerrymandering 

the gerrymandering 

the other day

I was using my burt's bees

HEALING ointment 

to clean my face

I've been using it for 

several years 

&

I was

SUDDENLY like

I don't like this texture anymore 

WHO makes this NOW

probably not BURT

SO

I checked 

& it's 

CLOROX 

SO

I switched to papa rozier 

I know I didn't say much today 

BUT 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

YOU are VERY 

SPECIAL to me

& I'm grateful for you 

please take the 

best care of yourself 

I'm trying to do

the same 

❤️

🫶🫶🫶👾🫚🍀🔥🫶🫶🫶

goodnight ☄️

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶🫶🫶

👾🫚🍀🔥

☄️

I'm thinking about 

your brick wall 

IMAGINING 

WINDOWS

I LOVE you 

& I hope you are having a beautiful day 🫶 

I'm sorry if all this

STUFF 

tied to my mom

is overshadowing 

my gratitude 

& alignment with your 

SWEETNESS 

I just need

to get past this

BLOCKAGE 

& THEN 

I feel like my resistance 

to MAGIC 

will

more or less

MELT

I KNOW the universe is 

LINING up 

the JUICY GOODNESS 

& I'm EAGER to GET there

I WILL 

figure this out

I feel 
BETTER 

I'm not quite at 

the FREQUENCY 

BUT 

I'm CLOSER 

the TAROT is happy again 

& I'm thinking about 

pastoral settings 

I still don't know what to do about my mom

I just have to get a handle on this

BUT 

I'm FEELING better 

I'm gonna try to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

🫶🫶🫶👾🫚🍀🔥🫶🫶🫶

goodnight ☄️ 

❤️

that gray and peach plaid shirt

keeps dancing through 

my head

there was some

ANALOGY 

that

RAN AROUND 

the BLOCK a few

TIMES

SOMETHING about the FREEDOM 

to have a PURPLE MAIL BOX

what it LACKED

in ACTUAL 

MEANING 

it made UP for with UNIVERSALITY 

if my neighbor has a purple mail box 

I have to see it

BUT 

it affects me 

ONLY 

in so far

as

I have to look at it

BUT 

HOW 

can you COMPLAIN 

when you JUST 

AGREED 

EVERYBODY'S got a RIGHT 

to a purple mail box

I MEAN 

late seventies -- early eighties

TELEVISION 

SOLID

RUGGED INDIVUALISM

I was reading 

BUTTER 

& I THINK 

I JUST now figured out 

she's ALWAYS trying to analyze 

people's motivations

seeing WHY

the streets are overly

WIDE

BECAUSE 

there are children, so many, there's accomodation

the HANGNAIL is COLD now

WHY is there a f*CKing HANGNAIL 

we don't get THAT ANALYSIS 

BECAUSE 

it isn't even CONSCIOUS 

I was gonna say 

INTERNAL 

BUT 

somewhere in there I thought I saw something 

HEY

sorry if I've been 

WEIRD 

I get this feeling 

MAYBE 

I have 

I'm not sure 

I'm doing 

all that

well

I was JUST ASSESSING myself in the KITCHEN 

I've done a LOT of zoning OUT

I've had negative thoughts 

ABOUT my mom

I'm all WORRIED 

BUT ALSO 

I told my mom I didn't want to do anything today 

I gave myself a facial massage 

I took an epsom salt bath 

I read in a physical 

BOOK

I'm not doing a good job of taking supplements 

I'm not exercising 

I'm not at the FREQUENCY at ALL 

I AM 

WANTING to TALK 

ABOUT 

AMERICA more

BUT 

it's HARD to put into WORDS

it's about

there being 

SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS

of us

I'm not JUST talking about 

RACE or CLASS or REGION

INTERESTS

this IDEA

that OUR STRENGTH 

COMES FROM

OUR 

DIFFERENCES

I THINK 

THAT

was what I thought

mercurochrome 

was

deborah's

physic of choice

SO 

I AVOIDED it

didn't realize that it was

ACTUALLY 

TOXIC 

❤️

good morning sweetheart 💋 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 🦋🫒🧁

I LOVE you VERY much ❤️

I'm gonna try to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

🫶🫶🫶👾🫚🍀🔥🫶🫶🫶

goodnight ☄️

❤️

when I went to

washington DC with my mom

to see the georgia o'keefe 

exhibit*

*I think I was sixteen 

we ALSO went

to the CAPITOL 

&

PART of the TOUR

you see the

ROTUNDA 

when I saw

the MURAL I was LIKE -- OH

I just took one look at it

& I was LIKE 

it NEVER was

a people's 

REVOLUTION 

prior to that

I'm not SURE how much

THOUGHT 

I had put into it

I MEAN 

I HAD thought

ABOUT the WAYS

we weren't 

& NEVER

HAD

lived up to our promise, concepts, what have you 

BUT 

I hadn't thought about 

the CLASS issues 

because 

I guess 

I was 

SO INTO 

the 

ENLIGHTENMENT IDEALS

that the

FRAMEWORK 

was OFF

for

ME

& I MEAN 

charlotte had disabused me

of a lot of naivete 

BUT 

STILL 

the MURAL

HIT

different 

one day

I was with

SOMEBODY 

& my first inclination was to say

JULIE grob 

BUT 

then my second thought 

was I was in COLLEGE 

SO

I'm not SURE

WHEN or

WHO

BUT 

SOMEBODY cool

SAID -- HEY, the constitution is in town

WANNA go SEE it

& we

DID

it was AMAZING 

I guess I was

TECHNICALLY 

nine 

for the bicentennial 

BUT 

there was a fair amount of stuff in seventy five

so I'm not sure what happened when exactly 

coulda been

eight

my third grade math teacher

was the one that told me

about it

& THEN I HAD to GO

the FREEDOM TRAIN 

my mom took me

& she did not

ENJOY 

any of it

BUT 

I LOVED it

there was a LONG line

I had KNOWN that 

my teacher

has said 

it was

COLD

possibly drizzly

BUT 

the ambient america didn't disappoint 

FOR ME

the line was PART of the RIDE

it was this BIG collection 

of americana 

nostalgic hocus pocus

GIANT basketball shoes 

I don't even REMEMBER what all

you RODE on this

CONVEYOR BELT like in the airport 

PEOPLE MOVER

through this TRIUMPHANT trophy case

CABINET of CURIOS 

SIDE SHOW of accomplishments 

it was LIKE 

a WHISTLE STOP

it had ALL these AMERICANA elements 

I'm not entirely certain that I'm describing it 

EXACTLY like I would have THEN 

BUT 

it was the VERY 

LAYERED

american experience, for sure

I NOW feel fairly 

CERTAIN 

if I had described the experience 

I expected 

my mom would not have been willing to go

I don't think my teacher

had been giving

a glowing

review

I really LIKED her

BUT 

as I think about it NOW 

I had that class after lunch

& pretty frequently 

she would

SAY

we SMELLED like

we had gone to the bathroom 

& NOT WIPED 

ourselves

PROPERLY

& she'd 

SPRAY is down

with

LYSOL 

I always wondered if it was me

who STUNK

because 

I mean 

I always 

PEED 

before coming back from lunch

& I didn't 

UNDERSTAND

 

she was SAYING 

that we SMELLED 

like SH*T

I think this is super funny

well

the tarot is making me think 

I've upset you

OR

SOMETHING 

I'm not sure 

I keep getting 

DEATH

TOWER

DEVIL

HANGED MAN

& NONE of that screams good to me 

MAYBE 

I just came off

UNFLATTERINGLY WEIRD 

I don't know 

if I was insulting or insensitive 

I'm really sorry 

I didn't mean 

to be

OR

MAYBE 

you are fine and my VIBE is just off

& the CARDS 

are reflecting that BACK 

I do feel like I should be able to explain myself 

BETTER 

I FEEL like 

the closest RESONANT emotion

MIGHT be 

when I was driving on 

I WANT to SAY 

the FIVE

& I SAW 

a BIT of LANDSCAPE 

that I was SURE I RECOGNIZED 

from the MOVIES

I've had a LOT of 

MOVING experiences 

I feel like 

I talk about the WAY things MOVE me

QUITE a BIT 

BUT 

nothing SEEMS similar to yours 

I can't even THINK 

of anything 

that WOULD be like THAT 

that I could WISH to happen 

I have thought of some 

american stuff though 

I just got up

well

I'm not actually 

UP

I've been AWAKE about half an hour 

I woke up to pee

a while back

& have had

substack

on my 

PHONE 

but just now read it

I remember 

years ago 

you trying to tell the story

& no one would shut up

I could FEEL 

the EXCITEMENT 

the mixture of 

little boy

& lifelong

& JUST 

HAPPY 

the WHOLE soup

that you were

BURSTING 

to tell

which

in itself 

WAS ABSOLUTELY a THING 

& the perception 

they don't care about this

the irritation, the partial shut down 

I wanted to hear it

BUT 

I guess I was

out voted 

SO

I was super happy 

when I got to 

hear about it, later

it was LIKE 

FINALLY 

I been 

WAITING a while to get THIS 

& it makes me 

HAPPY 

to hear it

AGAIN 

I can't think of a

concomitant 

experience 

from my own life

SOMETHING 

that CONNECTS

to my life

in so many ways

ACROSS 

TIME

MAYBE 

I'm just being 

OBTUSE 

& there IS such an event 

BUT 

I can't THINK of it

I have always had

KINDA

an AVERSION to 

MEETING 

LIKE 

for a long stretch 

anne rice 

was KINDA a hero to me

BUT 

I wouldn't 

GO

see her at book signings

because I didn't WANT 

REALITY to

INTERFERE 

PLUS

there's SOMETHING about

the being a FAN

headspace 

that I find

VAGUELY uncomfortable 

THAT

MAYBE 

doesn't make sense either

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶 🫶 🫶 

& I'm GLAD you have

friends who

LOVE you

& COULD 

GIVE 

you something 

SO

MEANINGFUL 

in such a 

COOL 

CASUAL 

WAY

I need to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

I'm sorry I'm not making sense 🫶🫶🫶

👾🫚🍀🔥

goodnight ☄️

❤️

I grew up

watching channel eight

EVERY DAY 

until CABLE 

BUT 

also

NO

this isn't gonna capture it

I KNOW what

at LEAST 

PART

of the LIST problem 

in order to get a LIST 

I have to be more

SPECIFIC 

which requires 

CHOOSING 

a perspective 

which THEN 

FEELS constructed

MAYBE 

this makes more sense 

BUT 

I'm not really feeling that, so maybe not

I think the processing spread out

pretty far today 

I'm in this

EMOTIONAL REGULATION 

CHALLENGE

NO ANXIETY 

NO whipping myself up 

NO you REALLY should be doing XYZ

I am not quite at the right frequency 

BUT 

I did do pretty well with the 

emotional regulation 

MAYBE 

the

WAY to go 

ABOUT it

is

DESCRIBE 

I've gotten 

CAUGHT in the american heroes 

I'm not SURE 

I FEEL like 

my BRAIN doesn't 

ORGANIZE

the information for me as hero

& THEN

I'm LIKE come on

WHAT are you talking about 

georgia o'keefe 

george carlin 

I MEAN yes

you're making that LIST

NOW

you're compiling a list of people who have 

INSPIRED you

BUT 

if I ASKED you 

you're ten years old

WHO

are your HEROES 

what would you have SAID 

THEN

I don't think we were 

INSPIRED very

OFTEN 

what would have COUNTED 

I was pretty DEEP into the beatles 

I had HEARD 

that blue and red set

sgt pepper 

rubber soul

those were the TAPES my dad had

SEE LOOK 

THIS 

RIGHT HERE 

THIS 

is WHY

YOU 

& I have a HARD time

REMEMBERING 

there's a 

THING about AMERICA 

& LIKE 

billie holiday 

I LOVE her

I FEEL 

HER

but 

HERO

MAYBE 

I just have a problem with the WORD

this is NOT 

SOUNDING like what I'm trying to say 

it's just not working like it's 

SUPPOSED to 

BUT 

I'm not sure what EXACTLY it's 

supposed to be LIKE 

BUT 

I THINK 

THAT 

BIT

is what I'm 

MISSING 

& I FEEL like THIS might not be making

a LOT of sense 

well, I don't think I was

any more talkative 

BUT 

I DID imagine 

drinking

WINE

& SWAYING 

OUTSIDE 

trying to SEE stars

through the 

LIGHT POLLUTION 

I need to sleep 

BUT 

I'll try to be more talkative tomorrow 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

🔥🔥🔥🫶🫶🫶👾🫚🍀❤️

goodnight ☄️

I think 

ANOTHER reason 

for the interest

in john wayne 

the SEARCHERS

I saw it in ninth grade 

I FEEL like 

it contains 

important america 

I'm not sure 

whether I'm thinking rightly

I'm CONFIDENT 

I'm not 

PROCESSING 

well

honestly 

I'm not sure what is 

I have been LOW-KEY trying to nail down 

whether 

you have STRUTS

AND

SHOCKS

& IF I had to give you an ANSWER right NOW 

I'd SAY

SOME CARS have BOTH

it's the SUSPENSION system

which is interesting to me 

& I HAVE 

ONBOARDED information 

BUT 

it doesn't SEEM to have 

PRODUCED 

an UNDERSTANDING 

it MIGHT be true

OR

it might SOMETIMES be true

that STRUTS are hydraulic 

BUT 

NOT like LOW RIDER hydraulics

which I think are cool

although I wouldn't 

I'm not sure 

WHY

I told you that 

the predominant 

FEELING 

from therapy

is

I MIGHT not be MAKING 

MUCH SENSE 

& SOMEHOW 

I STILL 

don't KNOW 

what the thing I need to GET 

is CALLED

I had therapy today 

& THEN

there was a surprise 

WHEN I

got home

YOU are AWESOME 

I LOVE you VERY much 

you SOUND great 

you LOOK great 

🫶🫶🫶

I have had a headache all day

you have such a beautiful smile 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

🫶🫶🫶👾🫚🍀🔥🫶🫶🫶

I've got to go to sleep 

goodnight ☄️

❤️

I need to go to sleep 

my brain is doing 

SOMETHING 

I'm not sure what it is

I don't know how

to articulate 

I am

CONCERNED 

that I said

I was

SCARED 

& that might worry you

I was talking about a too much type of scared

NOT 

anything being specifically 

SCARY 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

I hope you have beautiful 

DREAMS 

👾🫚🍀🔥

🫶🫶🫶

☄️ goodnight 

Normally, when I rent a car I drive it around the block a couple times to adjust the mirrors and get a feel for the physical dimensions in space.  Blindspots.  This time, four times.

I think the reason 

I didn't tell you

about

the

SHORT STORY 

BRAIN 

thing

is because I didn't want to 

set up an expectation 

that I would then

fail to deliver 

SO

NOW

I MUST 

believe I CAN

I spent a lot of time today thinking about 

what I'm trying to say 

& what elements 

& I got a little 

SCARED 

SO

THAT was weird 

I don't remember what I dreamed 

& I don't necessarily 

RECOMMEND

SUPERMAN

I did ENJOY it 

I don't think it was

SUPER 

WOKE

it WAS a little 

I'm not SAYING it's woke at all, really 

MORE LIKE 

modernized 

which they did well enough to slightly 

make me feel like

it maybe wasn't 

ABSORBING 

into my

BRAIN 

SOME

of the

BITS

I really liked

superman's robots

kept saying things LIKE 

if I had ANY emotional capabilities 

I'd be VERY WORRIED about her right NOW 

THEY had MORE 

EMOTION

than most of the humans 

lois lane

came to rescue him 

when he was stuck in the pocket universe 

& he SMILES at her & says

you came to get me

& it's 

PERFECT 

LEX 

is barely disguised 

ELON

the ALIEN THING is 

handled better 

in THIS reboot 

it's NOT like

I'm a HUGE supermanfan 

BUT it's got a cultural 

ELEMENT 

the LAST reboot 

I saw the trailer and I just fell HARD for it

it was black and white

& it had a 

CLOTHESLINE 

blowing in the wind

& one of the sheets becomes a cape

on a small boy

it's beautiful 

BUT 

the MOVIE 

was

NOT that 

& I probably wouldn't have gone to see this one

EXCEPT 

WOKE 

the promise of 

I didn't get two minutes into

the SAMPLE 

& I REALLY 

THINK 

it was the hangnail

the EXTRA WIDE street

I ENJOY writing in THIS 

FORMAT

BUT 

I ENJOY writing SHORT stories TOO 

SPECIFICALLY 

BUT 

I haven't been able to 

CARRY THROUGH 

the KIND of

THEME

because I've not been QUITE RIGHT 

in the HEAD

& I STILL MIGHT not be 

which is WHY I said 

MIGHT be a STORY 

I THINK 

HAVE THOUGHT 

although I don't believe I've 

MENTIONED it 

that I BELIEVE 

WHEN I am ABLE to WRITE a GOOD short story 

I will figure I've got my 

BRAIN BACK

ALTHOUGH 

I'm AWARE that my short stories

TEND to probably 

LEAVE out

SOMETHING that I can't qualify 

that I SENSE is WANTED 

BUT don't UNDERSTAND 

AND

THEN I read some japanese fiction and I think 

MAYBE 

NOT 

NOW

I realize I'm talking about 

a VERY SPECIFIC thing 

when I SAY

SHORT STORY 

I'm talking about that kind of

SOMETHING about the HUMAN CONDITION 

& the HANGNAIL 

IDK

RESONATED

in a GOOD way 

I've been wanting to write you a story for a while

BUT it hasn't been clear to me

& when I went to that

BOOK store 

I bought 

THREE

books

the three that jumped out at me

The Gospel of Orla

Eoghan Walls

Blue Skies

T.C. Boyle

Butter

Asako Yuzuki

& TODAY

I thought about doing, but ultimately did not 

READING in the BATH

BUTTER 

RELATED to the MURAKAMI thoughts

SO

I just went to audible and listened to

not even the entire sample 

& I suddenly felt like 

I HAD something

to write

SOMETHING in the WAY

the thoughts were strung together 

& I could go on

BUT 

I need to sleep

BUT 

I WILL write it

starting a story, MAYBE, title unknown

I found out my therapist drives a Jeep Grand Cherokee, which is what I drove on my road trip.  I feel like that tells me something about him, but I'm not sure what exactly that thing is.

When I started trying to wean myself back out into the world -- wait, let me back up.  I have a strong aversion to the idea of driving a large car.  So much so that I hadn't ever driven an SUV or a truck and I had turned down (borderline hysterical) the opportunity to even sit behind the wheel of a Hummer.  I had pre-paid for the car (Corolla) when I showed up at Budget and all they had had was a blue Rogue -- take it or leave it -- and I had made myself drive it.

This time I pre-paid (Corolla) and they tried to give me a Tesla.  

ME:  Well, first off, NO.  NO WAY.  And second, I'm going on a road trip and I don't even know anything about charging stations.

BUDGET:  How about a small truck?

ME:  I'm going on a road trip;  I've got stuff;  I can't just have it in the open bed of a truck;  I need a trunk, or something.

BUDGET:  well, the only thing I have that looks like a car are those Teslas.

ME (pointing to a giant Sherman tank of a car):  What about THAT?  Does THAT run on gas?  Can I have THAT?

BUDGET:  Yes.  Yes you can.

That was how I talked my way into the extremely extremely large car.

I didn't sleep very well last night

& I'm going to SEE

SUPERMAN 

in the morning 

HOPING it's 

SUPER 

WOKE

I've been thinking about 

what it would be like

to KISS you

I've also been 

IMAGINING 

wandering around 

BURNING MAN

in the DARK 

holding your hand

& then dancing

around

TWIRLING 

I think it might be TOO HOT for all that

BUT I don't know 

SOMETIMES 

the desert

is cold

at NIGHT 

I'm SURE it would be 

TOO HOT 

& TOO BRIGHT 

in the daytime 

ALSO 

MURAKAMI

fantastical japan fantasies

I'm going to BED 

& I'm thinking about you 

& I WANT to 

DREAM

about

YOU 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

🫶🫶🫶👾🫚🍀🔥🫶🫶🫶

goodnight ☄️ 

I did a tarot reading for

TODAY at the

PROTEST

& it was all pretty positive 

& then

TOWER

and I'm like, seriously 

WHY

SO MUCH tower

BUT 

I assumed, especially in combination with the 

WHEEL of FORTUNE 

SOMETHING was going to HAPPEN 

well, there were not a lot of people 

& I'm not a MINGLER

there were tents 

I looked at them

BUT 

I didn't talk to

ANYBODY 

BUT 

before the speakers STARTED 

this guy walked around 

TALKED to everyone 

INDIVIDUALLY 

MADE

EYE 

CONTACT 

& said

we're having an event on thursday night

I don't remember exactly what he said

something about people 

TALKING & WORKING 

on IDEAS for

twenty twenty six (maybe)

the future (maybe)

BUT 

you know how I have the

READ the VIBE thing

THIS guy

has VERY good ENERGY 

SO

I LOOKED him up

REALLY 

I was trying to find out about the organization 

& I'm not sure that the organization 

is a good fit for me, really 

BUT 

MAYBE 

the event is

I'm not sure WHERE that place is*

*haven't looked that up yet

I'm trying to 

NOT 

just sit in the house

WELL 

I'm pretty sure 

there were MORE cops 

than there were

PROTESTERS 

I have

FEELS 

about all of that stuff with my mom

I don't think I understand them

WELL ENOUGH 

to talk 

about it 

I DREAMED 

last night 

I was

ORGANIZING and maybe investigating 

SOMETHING 

I'm SURE 

I KNEW WHAT I was doing 

WITHIN 

the DREAM

BUT 

it doesn't make SENSE to me 

NOW

there was this guy

his KIDS 

MIGHT have been MISSING 

OR

they MIGHT 

just not have been physically present 

I HAD to

HANG up these ICE CREAM 

EFFIGIES 

& I had to hang them

it was LIKE a sports bench of some kind 

with HOOKS 

it was outdoors 

HOT

the ice cream

was gonna 

MELT

make the 

HOOKS -- like for jackets or hats

& SEATING -- and the material between

LIKE 

where your 

BACK goes if you're SITTING 

THERE 

& it didn't make sense to me 

WHO

would have a chance of seeing them 

BEFORE THEY MELTED 

& THEN

you've just got a STICKY MESS

I'm going to 

R*GE *gainst Reg!me

in the morning 

SO

I need to go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

🫶🫶🫶👾🫚🍀🔥🫶🫶🫶

goodnight ☄️ 

❤️

 

THAT

is the FIRST time 

I can remember her saying 

THANK YOU 

that SOUNDED like

she MIGHT 

have meant it

OK

VISUALIZING 

a BIG black box

AROUND myself 

& LIMITING 

EYE contact 

is proving to be

PRETTY effective 

ALSO

NO

EXTRA talking

DON'T 

FILL

DON'T 

try to entertain 

DON'T 

hold yourself to some

STANDARD 

of politeness or whatever 

YOU want me to be HERE 

I'm HERE

BUT 

NOT all the STUFF 

BECAUSE 

what I'd like to say 

& MIGHT some day is

THIS is GRACE 

you didn't 

EARN THIS 

you don't DESERVE it 

I'm GIVING you, or I have been, an enormous GIFT

which you are SQUANDERING 

because you don't 

SEE my VALUE 

AND

I KNOW you are a

ONE TRICK PONY

thinking that your money

will buy you what you

CAN'T be BOTHERED to DO

APPROPRIATELY 

BUT 

you're KIDDING yourself 

AND

DEEP DOWN 

you KNOW that

I am NOT motivated by money

& you've done

NOTHING 

to BUILD

LOVE

~spending the day with mom

ACTUALLY 

you're just like betty 

is an 

ESCALATION from self conscious 

THAT

would SET OFF

SOMETHING 

that would for SURE 

involve the EYES BUGGING scarily

& SCREAMING 

I'm wondering 

IF 

rather than try to treat her

as though she was a

GOOD person 

who cared

about me

& JUST REFUSE to accept anything else 

JUST ignore or whatever 

I WONDER 

IF

it would be at ALL useful to 

IMAGINE 

HOW 

I could treat her

EQUIVALENTLY 

it could be 

FUNNY 

OR

it could be 

VIBRATION lowering 

I'm not sure what I think about it

I MEAN 

if I'm not DOING it 

FIRST THING 

point out

something she's likely to be 

SELF CONSCIOUS about

WOW

you are looking so...

uh, HEALTHY 

really

BIG presence there

should we maybe stop and buy you some next size up diapers 

have you HEARD anything from 

MEREDITH 

OH

that's 

RIGHT 

you don't have any human interaction skills

& you don't really CARE about anyone but yourself 

SHE REALIZED 

your ADVICE is sh*t

& you aren't ACTUALLY CAPABLE of 

HELPING 

she's MOVED ON from you

because she's realized 

you're just like betty 

it is

KINDA funny

BUT 

it doesn't make me feel BETTER 

for CONTEXT 

the whole time I was growing up 

if I WANTED dessert 

there was a

HUGE amount of SHAMING 

& talk about

FAT PILLS 

BUT 

since she

KNOWS I want to lose weight 

she 

PUSHES it on me

& she eats dessert 

EVERY time 

BUT 

when she gains weight 

she blames me

because I switched out

SOME

of her fruit

for sardines 

which I pointed out was

almost exactly the same calories

BUT 

contained protein 

I'mma STOP 

I'm not trying to 
PILE ON

I'm just giving CONTEXT 

I don't know what I did

I slept late

I ordered food again 

I WANTED 

a po boy

BUT 

I talked myself down

to

buffalo crawfish salad

from ragin cajun 

I LOVE you VERY much 💋

I wanted to SAY

SOMETHING 

meaningful 

BUT 

I don't SEEM to be 

managing to do THAT 

I'm not depressed 

I'm working through some stuff 

in my HEAD 

BUT 

I'm not SPRINGING into

ACTION 

I need to sleep 

I have lost

SOME

weight

my face looks BETTER to me

& I don't feel puffy

BUT 

I MEAN not a LOT 

of weight

I'm trying to 

FEEL like myself in a way that EXTENDS 

OUTWARD from myself 

my mother texted me earlier 

that it's Houston restaurant weeks

& then she's like

SO

LOOK on there

& PICK places you want to go 

PLEASE & THANK YOU 

BUT 

their website is terrible for that

SO

after a few attempts 

I'm LIKE 

yeah, Joyce's is on the list

THEN

hours LATER she sends me a text

???

to which I reply  ???

I guess it was a work project 

COMPILE a REPORT 

& I guess it was

DUE

I'm LIKE 

Joyce's 

she's like, yeah but we go there already 

I'm LIKE 

then pick some places you want to go

I have only ever gone to places I already liked

or places I specifically wanted to try

& not even that much of that

it's just not much of an

EXCITEMENT 

for me

I'm trying to get myself to 

MAKE FOOD 

I'm just

not that into it

I've never really been that into it

it's a good program 

BUT 

it's a three course meal that usually includes 

DESSERT 

& I don't really want that for lunch

ya KNOW 

I want to go to the AUTOMAT

the IDEA that I'm supposed to spend a bunch of time using their "search tool" to find every

WHAT

every place nearby 

every place

I'M interested in

because she's gonna love all my sushi choices 

my vegetarian choices

I'm LIKE 

NOT interested in THAT

when we were in Austin

I asked her if she would be okay with a vegetarian restaurant & she's like yeah

SO

we went to mr natural

which had a BIG 

LIKE three feet high

RIGHT NEXT to us on the wall

💯 VEGETARIAN 

& she goes to order the mr natural burger

& she's ASKING the waitress

if it's ORGANIC BEEF

yeah, it's not any kind of beef

we are 💯 VEGETARIAN 

I remembered 

at st*rb*cks when we would go to leadership 

they would tell us to bring all this

STUFF 

compiled reports 

for break out sessions 

& at first I DID 

BUT 

nobody else seemed to

& I could pretty much 

RATTLE that stuff 

OFF from memory

ANYWAY 

SO 

I stopped doing the pre-work

& it was completely 

NO BIG DEAL 

I KINDA 

took her

ASSIGNMENT 

like that

I feel like 

COMPILE a list for me 

of places I would like to go

is bullsh*t make work

& THAT was WAY MORE thought 

than I wanted to spend

BUT 

there you go

goodnight sweetheart ☄️

🫶 🫶 🫶 👾🫚🍀🔥🫶🫶🫶