more coherent
TODAY
I was trying to explain
I GET
that my mom
doesn't love me in any way
that feels real to me
& maybe she loves me some way
that feels meaningful to her
or maybe she doesn't
BUT
I can't just say to her
I don't feel like you love me
or whatever
because she can't understand
she's not self aware
she's messed up
blah blah blah
BUT
it's not like
she used to be some different way
she still is essentially
the same
&
I find it extremely demoralizing to think
that what I am aiming for
is
I don't CARE that my mother doesn't love me
it has no affect on me
I really NEED to
REFRAME this
SO
I've got a
PLAN
the stuff that comes out of her
MOUTH NOISES
she isn't competent
she's not senile
BUT
she isn't competent to express anything to me
just smile and nod
& don't let it
affect me
we'll see how that GOES, but it feels
BETTER than
having
EVERYTHING
brought up
EVERY
TIME
