& I drove it to some nearby parks
one of them is about a mile & a half away
& I was thinking
MAYBE
I could work my way up it walking to there and back for exercise
BUT
it wasn't an exciting enough park
the other one was like three miles away
& I might or might not
work my way up
to walking
THERE
BUT
it wasn't
exciting enough either
I want to get
exercise figured out
I am KINDA grieving
bits of my mom
& ALSO
realizing HOW uncomfortable
I actually AM with
letting other people take
responsibility for their sh*t
BUT
I don't think texting her
to remind her that she needs to pay rent
is in any way appropriate
she knows what she's doing
she's not senile
SHE
hasn't
texted or called
she hasn't asked for help
I had an exit
THAT is my exit
once I determined
I was capable of the one thing
OR
almost certain
su*c*de
it really seems pointless to worry about the electric bill
& THEN
the realization that I picked
ME
I mean I thought I would
BUT
I didn't ever expect
that it would have to be
SO STARK
I remember after gran gran died
when I was completely heartbroken
my mom said
I know you're upset NOW
JUST THINK
HOW MUCH MORE
UPSET
you will be when I
DIE
-- losing your mommy is the worst pain you can experience
my gran gran RAISED me
