I don't think I was at all clear

about what I was talking about 

the things I got

from my mom's house 

I probably won't want to KEEP those 

MAYBE a FEW 

BUT 

if I just pack em AWAY 

I'll still have them 

ALL

for some FUTURE next time

SO

I want to find a place for them

that I can just go ahead and get whatever it is 

& let the rest go

LITERALLY & figuratively 

MAYBE 

I look at them

& I make my own children's books 

because the messages

are CLEAR now

OR

MAYBE something else 

the IDEA that THINGS 

make themselves 

AVAILABLE to you when the time for them is right is a possibly compelling concept 

OR maybe 

it's not 

BUT 

MORE outlets for processing 

SHOULD speed that sh*t up

good morning sweetheart 🫶🫶🫶 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 💋 

I know it's half way through May

& I need to look at STUFF 

I've just been

TRYING to 

EVOLVE 

it's 

SIMULTANEOUSLY 

questioning whether I am really running 

SOME kind of SCAM

where I pretend like what I want and need

to properly function 

is something I should prioritize 

OVER

ALL the THINGS 

I'm SUPPOSED to be thinking are

MORE important 

there's a LOT of 

LIKE 

ANTI- gaslighting 

I'm CRUSHED to find out

AI -- LOVES the em DASH

it's HOW teachers are catching CHATgpt use in students. --  I just want to say

I have loved the dash since

NINETH grade English

FAULKNER 

with his long*ss sentences

which I also love

BUT 

try NOT to

USE

I am NOT a ROBOT ✔️

I should sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

goodnight 🫶🫶🫶

👾🫚🍀❤️

I've been 

DREADING the BOOKS 

BUT 

the THING is 

it's PROBABLY not ALL books 

I just STOPPED when I HIT books

BUT 

EVEN if it is ALL books 

I need to SEE what it is because I THINK 

the children's books

I want to have THOSE out somewhere that I can

SEE them & PROCESS them

NOT EVERY book

ya know 

the processing is

the thing is

I'm trying to do something 

I FEEL like I haven't 

EVER done before 

when

I'm certain 

it's ALL I ever do

I THINK 

I STOPPED thinking of it as a "living room"

with it's own guidelines 

& STARTED thinking of it as a room

WHERE I LIVE 

I WANT to be 

MOVING around MORE 

I LIKE to WORK 

STANDING 

SO

MAKE a work 

AREA

MOVE around MORE 

I had been fixated on that sofa

SO

I started moving furniture around 

& I figured out

HOW 

I COULD make the SOFA work

BUT 

I had ALREADY decided 

that I don't WANT a sofa

SO

RATHER than making a CASE for the SOFA

HOW 

do I want to 

USE 

this SPACE

I decided 

MULTI  USE

WORK AREA

I want the kinda sideboard element 

because I'd like to put this

at the end of it

SO it's MORE 

FOCAL

but I didn't have that available to me before 

(I mean, I guess technically)

SO

I am getting some lateral file cabinets 

BIG drawers for SUPPLIES 

& this THING 

that is technically a baby changing table 

BUT 

it's got that WHITE lacquer/laminate finish

& it's got this KINDA 

DEEP tray

I thought it would keep little PIECES CONTAINED 

BUT 

ALSO 

HIDDEN 

(within reason)

& it's got drawers & cubbies, but I don't think it

WELL I'm HOPING 

it'll look KINDA 

LIKE 

a built-in*ish* console 

it's DESIGNED to convert to a dresser

& shelf

it doesn't LOOK super BABY 

I saw some pieces of the collection 

when I was at IKEA 

I was looking for THAT 

when I FOUND 

THIS

MYLLRA changing table

TODAY I didn't DO anything 

which is to SAY

my therapist 

CANCELLED 

&

I HYPER focused on my

SPACE

&

I THINK 

I've got it

FIGURED

gonna try to sleep now

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

👾🫚🍀❤️🫶🫶🫶

I NORMALLY am not super interested in pope-ish stuff, but I FIND my interest piqued 

the balance of POWER in the WORLD 

isn't just SWINGING 

RIGHT 

here

it's GOOD to SEE

REVOLUTION theology = following JESUS 

COME OUT on TOP

because MAYBE 

it'll 

make a DIFFERENCE, ya know 

AMERICAN pope isn't SOMETHING 

I thought I'd 

EVER say

& CHICAGO 💋

somebody told me

one of the papers ran a headline

DA POPE

DEEP DISH 

I love it 

-- in the sixty years since the POPE & I were KIDS together, on the SOUTH SIDE --

THINGS MIGHT have 

CHANGED 

he's a GENIUS --

~WILBON

THAT'S BUCKET LIST

no hocus pocus junk

I may have had a five guys burger

IF

I had one

BEFORE I went pescatarian in 2010

BUT 

I KNOW 

I haven't had one since then

SO

he's probably not the last person to have one

I was VERY disappointed 

that I wasn't 

BLOWN AWAY by

in-n-out

*CORRECTION*

I wasn't blown away by their FOOD 

I WAS blown away by their DEPLOYMENT 

I have NEVER been MORE impressed 

they had somebody come out and WORK the LINE

it was READY when I got to the WINDOW to PAY

the FOOD was FINE 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

gonna try to sleep 🫶

there's this thing

it's hard to

REMEMBER 

it's easier to 

FEEL it

than it is to

AVOID feeling it

if it doesn't make sense 

I don't know how else to explain it 

I FEEL like I'm making progress 

👾🫚🍀❤️

I'm being 

HAUNTED

by a SOFA I saw at the guild shop

the SHAPE is similar to a BARCELONA 

& it's a VERY TEXTURED neutral

the LEGS are CHROME

I don't NEED a SOFA

I'm LIKE

it's CUTE --  HOW much is it

it's fourteen hundred dollars*

I didn't even 

SIT on it

it's HAUNTING me

*I'm LIKE 

of course it is

BUT 

NOW

I'm non-stop trying to figure out 

HOW 

I could FIT it

SOMEWHERE 

it is VERY irritating 

I vacillate between 

the EDGE of

OVERWHELM at the EVERYTHING---EVERYWHERE-all-AT-ONCE-neas---

&

I'm all LIKE 

THAT is JUST 

BECAUSE 

you're thinking about it -- use the force

AND

I NEED a CALIBRATION tool

SO I can KNOW 

where I'm AT

& there's ALSO this thing

it goes SOMETHING like 

the WORLD is 

EITHER 

a place where the individual has

NO POWER to change anything but themselves 

SO

CHANGE YOURSELF

OR

it is a place

where individual people 

do REMARKABLE things EVERY DAY

get READY for 

YOUR DAY

I woke up

WRITING this title in my HEAD 

MICRO AGGRESSIONS, 

MICRO CONCESSIONS,

& STICKING the

LANDING 

BUT 

I don't remember my dreams

I STILL don't KNOW 

HOW I feel

I made myself leave the house

I went to blue bird circle

I went to the guild shop

I went to IKEA 

I didn't FIND 

the piece of furniture I'm looking for 

there were TOO MANY people 

I don't KNOW 

WHAT I 

THINK about my mom

what I came back with

was

what difference does it make

NOW

& I didn't have a snappy response 

BUT 

I FEEL disconnected from myself 

SOMEHOW 

I can't 

EXPLAIN 

I'm sorry if I worried you

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

🫶👾🫚🍀❤️

OH

I ALSO 

SEE

she was in a delusional state

POSSIBLY 

LIKE 

in the SAME way 

I thought 

she just wouldn't ADMIT 

she couldn't 

PROGRAM the computer

MAYBE 

she was DELUDING herself 

WEALTH 

THAT

is ALSO completely believable 

I'm hearing

SPOON full of sugar

in my HEAD

Mary Poppins

I am in a WEIRD 

HYBRID mood

I'm laughing 

BUT 

I'm not sure HOW I feel

I WANT to say

THIS is 

OBVIOUSLY 

the PLACE I'm MEANT to BE

&

EVERYTHING that LED to THIS 

I wouldn't CHANGE anything 

I'm NOT 

QUITE    there

Im not SURE that I NEED to be THERE

goodnight sweetheart 💋

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶 

👾🫚🍀❤️

AND

there is 

LESS than ZERO 

HOPE that

SHE 

would be willing to 

TALK about it 

BUT 

she probably wouldn't 

REMEMBER even if

she WAS

I don't KNOW 

I mean it NEVER made ANY

SENSE to me

that she had been

ALWAYS 

you can go

WHEREVER 

&

had

NEVER 

investigated what that might

ENTAIL 

LIKE 

I'm not planning to pay for it

OR look into

HOW 

financial aid works

& I'm going to 

PRETEND 

that YOU don't need to be doing that either 

because I've got you

COVERED

EXCEPT 

I don't 

I MEAN

is ANYONE 

THAT much of a FECKLESS turd

I MEAN I'm not saying 

YOU owe ME 

as LIKE a statement 

BUT 

TELL me you AREN'T 

and DON'T give me some sh*t about

HOW you SPENT it all

on that GUY

whose wife with the little baby

man

I'm having 

FLASHBACKS 

that was ONLY like three or four thousand dollars 

we were talking about 

BENNINGTON 

I DID find THIS 

BELIEVABLE 

BUT 

THIS is MORE 

BELIEVABLE 

EXCEPT 

really!?

BUT 

if she thought 

I MIGHT be 

REALLY 

MAYBE 

she was jealous 

I was with my mom

TODAY

it was

WEIRD 

the THING is 

I KNEW 

she f*CKed me

BUT 

I THOUGHT 

she just told me

I could go wherever I WANTED 

NO PROBLEM 

BUT 

just NEVER 

THOUGHT about the FACT that THAT

MEANT that they would 

NEED to look at her FINANCIALS

& she wasn't 

WILLING

to make them

AVAILABLE 

I NEVER thought 

that she JUST 

THAT

was SOMEHOW 

#yuck

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚🍀❤️

DO YOU MEAN to tell ME 

I haven't WRITTEN 

ANY of it DOWN

I have been 

carrying on this

I don't even KNOW 

& I look

I've not written anything here

f*CK

I don't think I made much sense to my therapist 

that PAPER 

I can't type but charlotte would have typed it for me, or there were people, ya know

BUT 

my mom

had gotten an Osborne computer

& SHE WANTED to type it

there were these formatting rules

they were strict 

I told her

it was a part of the grade

I got an F on the formatting portion

BUT 

she READ that paper

if MY child

WROTE 

like THAT

I would 

NOT 

have f*CKed her over

& changed the STORY at the last minute 

I would have made sure I did

WHATEVER 

was in my capacity 

to make SURE she was

given the best chance for success

NOW

I ALWAYS thought 

the formatting 

was just

she didn't really KNOW 

HOW 

to program it

BUT 

she didn't want to admit that 

& just let me 

FIGURE it OUT

BUT 

I mean, hell

MAYBE 

she was just FULL ON sabotaging me

I remember reading this 

at the time

I love this piece

I drank a lot of col'drinks when I was growing up 

& cool hand luke 

I identified 

with him

MAYBE I didn't just get it from

hemingway 

MAYBE 

the whole

you can be destroyed but 

NOT beaten

I LOVE & DID love

that it was seventeen eggs

the star

this one is a classic 

& I identified with 

the training 

SO MUCH 

I NOW see that

POSSIBLY 

it was

humor

BUT 

THAT is HOW I do

MOST things

🫶🫶🫶

julie was cooler than I made her 

SOUND

for Halloween one year

she was the

FIFTH RAMONE

I do NOT believe 

that was the SAME year

I decided to dye myself PURPLE 

with Dr Martin's 

WHICH 

was SO much harder to get off than I thought 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚🍀❤️

OK

so, the song is about

LOSING the child in you

was it SO sad

because of THAT 

in kindergarten 

I'm going with

NOT 

SO

was I FEELING the emotions 

of Peter Paul & Mary 

OR

did I FEEL the DRAGON'S pain

& if so

HOW

I had a STRONG reaction to 

GIVING tree

the PUFF episode 

I was in kindergarten 

G. Tree was third grade

it's LIKE a 

PAINFUL childhood memory of

HYPER empathy, MAYBE 

DO all kids get THAT

MAYBE 

I JUST remembered THIS 

I had PUFF the

MAGIC dragon STUCK in my HEAD 

& I remembered 

sitting in my room 

LISTENING to it

SOBBING 

because it was

SO

sad

I can't remember the WORDS 

HANG on

I had a LOT of FEELS

I thought a LOT 

ABOUT 

old man and the sea

& gender and life philosophies

AND

could I have managed to say

HILARY

one more time 

& is that paper written by the seventeen year old version of ME 

I MEAN

it's NOT really a LITERARY analysis 

it's ALMOST 

some kind of cross examination

STUFF I'm working on 

I've got mom

TODAY 

& studio group meeting 

TONIGHT

SO

have a beautiful day sweetheart 💋

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

❤️

I've got WEIRD music 

in my HEAD 

that

come josephine in my flying machine 

when I looked it up

APPARENTLY 

it was in titanic --  wtf!?

BUT 

I never SAW titanic --  I have OTHER associations 

BUT 

NOW I'm getting 

& it's been popping up 

SO

it means something 

it's so funny

how we don't 

TALK 

anymore 

seventies music

Sh*t

I shoulda been

ASLEEP 

already 

BUT 

I just realized 

I didn't tell you about therapy 

he had texted me

the night before 

WEATHER 

EXPECTED 

& we rescheduled for Thursday

I FEEL like I DID therapy 

I FEEL like I covered 

A LOT of ground

BUT 

I'm not sure what any of it MEANS exactly 

it does SEEM a LOT like THERAPY 

PLUS

there's a guy on YouTube 

I find VERY non-threatening

& it's not SO much 

NEW information 

as PEP talk

I've been thinking about mom STUFF not talking 

and I don't really WANT to talk

ABOUT it

no rudeness intended

I THINK I have STUFF 

I don't REALLY 

UNDERSTAND going on

I THINK 

(and I don't think it would be abnormal

if I'm right about it)

I'm not objectively 

AWARE

of everything 

BUT 

FURTHER 

I think I have BLINDSPOTS 

NOT even LIKE

the perspective didn't SEE my insufferable know it all-ness

I MEAN like 

I THINK

I MIGHT have PATTERNS of behavior 

WHICH I do not

REGISTER 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

I NEED some sort of

DAILY calibration 

RITUAL 

all this past information is 

REALLY helpful, useful, cool

BUT 

I get pulled AWAY from ME here NOW 

I want to be able to incorporate information 

WITHOUT being 

HYJACKED

if I have a calibration tool

CHANGES would become 

more OBVIOUS 

THAT

sounds a little pkd

OR

for a minute I couldn't remember his name

BORROUGHS 

SO

MAYBE 

I'll REFRAME it

CENTER//core

with debrief

OR

is that interfering with the process

HARD to KNOW 

what was that important thing 

I DECIDE 

goodnight sweetheart 🫶 

👾🫚🍀❤️

I've been READING my HS paper

I wrote that when I was

SEVENTEEN 

I forgot how I used to do quotes 

I was SO

ANNOYED that I HAD to quote

SOMEONE ELSE

WHY

could I not

JUST

ANALYZE 

that I would try to flow them in

I ENJOY reading THAT 

I FORGOT 

AND

it made me REMEMBER 

THIS STORY 

OK

I go to school

ELEVENTH grade ENGLISH 

first period 

MS eichhorn had found out

LIKE maybe last minute 

there was this

AREA TWO

writing competition 

& they were looking at WHO to send

so they sent 

ME and julie grob, & somebody else 

I KNEW I think 

BUT 

I can't remember NOW 

and obviously we didn't know ahead of time 

& you wouldn't KNOW the theme anyway 

it was like

GO

the THEME was

RESILIENCE 

(I'm pretty sure, or something that means that, it has been a while)

SO

I did OLD MAN & the SEA

which wasn't FRESH in my HEAD

because I read it at duchesne

in nineth grade

BUT 

THAT was WHAT I had to WRITE ABOUT 

I was not SURE that I did all that well, but I mean

there wasn't anything riding on it

& THAT book

made me CRY

julie grob 

who got her EARS pierced 

because I told her

she should

WHICH 

honestly FREAKED me OUT a little 

she was in classes with me

we were friends 

BUT 

not like hang out friends

julie was in the media department 

I think she did photography too

BUT 

MOSTLY writing 

SHE did SCARLETT O'Hara (gone with the wind)

I don't know how many people were there

I ONLY vaguely remember 

it wasn't hundreds

it might have been 

FIFTY

maybe it wasn't that many

it was KINDA fun

to just be

WHISKED AWAY to the AREA TWO 

creative writing competition 

& get out of all my

ACADEMIC classes for the day

have a exclusive field trip

it didn't HAVE any

YOU have BEEN CHOSEN aspect to it

it was LIKE 

HEY

YOU 

I just don't access high school memories 

very often

ANYWAY 

I WON

NOW including actual paper --liberty and equality, or the 'less filling, tastes great' of the polis -- the class was the individual in society -- it was a knowledge integration class which you could take two semesters of and have it count for a minor (you had to have taken a bunch of psych, sociology, anthropology, psychology, political science). I just took it for fun, mostly and I needed an upper level psych

I think this was not a complete paper

MAYBE 

it was just a short answer

THING

or maybe there was more

BUT 

I didn't do

DRAFTS

so, my money's on the 

FORMER

edited for page order, I THINK the introduction, conclusion, and outline were turned in separately and I SUCK at outlines & that NEVER really resolved even though 💯 years of college

DUDE!

I re-found some writing 

that I found when I cleared out my mom's house 

MAYBE, not sure

senior English final paper