It sounds like there's a whole huge fireworks display going on but I'm pretty sure there isn't a professional fireworks display I'm pretty sure well I was pretty sure that there wasn't a professional firework show that it was just people setting off fireworks and I mean fireworks have been going off intermittently since 8:30 which makes no sense why set them off at 8:30 I mean you're in the city limits you shouldn't be setting them off anyway but if you're going to 8:30 is not the time

So I mean now it's the time it just sounds like too many to be one person or a few people setting them off but I just can't imagine where they could be setting off of professional fireworks display I went outside and I can't see anything it it looks really smoky and foggy and I hear a ton of fireworks my cat is freaking out but I don't see anything

I was going to try to make some sort of you know wish or resolution or something but I'm really not sure exactly what to say you know I want everything to be good but I hesitate to qualify exactly what I think that is because nothing has gone the way I expected it to go I mean I hope everybody doesn't get sick but f*** ton of people are getting sick so it seems pointless to say that

I hope I hope that you remain healthy and if you have to get sick then I hope that it's very mild and uncomplicated

That you don't have to go to the hospital and that you don't have any permanent damage and that it's like just no big deal I would rather that you didn't get sick at all

I Hope 2022 is better

I hope that we move towards happiness and health and enlightenment

And that our problems are that too many good things are happening and we don't have enough time to schedule proper gratitude for all of them

I love you sweetheart

Happy New Year 💋

I've been kind of short on sleep for several days in a row

And I was going to try to stay up for midnight but I'm not sure I'm going to make it

I'm falling asleep sitting up in the chair now

The grocery store was kind of insane

And I was doing a big trip to try to stock up so that I wouldn't have to go for like hopefully maybe 2 weeks maybe longer than that I don't know

I wore two masks

But I walked around around the whole store to make sure I got all the stuff I needed

And I think I was there for almost 2 hours

I was feeling kind of I don't know dissociated from my body or something

But somehow better too I don't know it's weird

not everything is here

and I'm still tweaking things

not sure I want all the big boxes

but

here's what it is so far

Okay I'm very hopeful that that promencil stuff is going to work

Because I took my first dose before I went to bed last night well I mean I took it as soon as I got it pretty much

And it's like a goddamn Christmas miracle

I'm not going to say I'm not tense at all

I'm confident I'm somewhat tense

But this is the most relaxed I've been in months

And I dream something I don't remember what but it was not about world market

Or Starbucks

Even though I read an article about Starbucks before I went to bed

So even though I didn't really get a lot of sleep

And actually feels like I got sleep

Although I guess I am still tired

I just feel like I got some rest

And I could breathe through my nose when I woke up I took four doses of the sinus calm I think is what it's called

Although I'm fixing to go to the grocery store and I am somewhat tense about that

But literally I feel like my shoulders haven't been this low for months

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Also

there is a lot of yellow

Okay you would think since I only got 3 hours of sleep last night that I would go to sleep early tonight

But if you thought that I guess you should be wrong

I've been down a rabbit hole and I don't even know really how to explain the rabbit hole I've been down it's a multiple day rabbit hole actually that was kind of why I ended up being up so late last night

Because well when I thought about styling the medicine cabinet

And then I said no that's kind of crazy

But then I said no

Not exactly

Cuz you have a lot of things that are health issues not big health issues necessarily but things that cause you a lot of day-to-day discomfort that maybe you could do something about but you don't have those products

I mean I focused on like immune building tinctures and vitamins and things like that but I have all these allergies

And allergy medicine makes me feel bad

And blah blah bunch of things

So I was like okay well if you were just going to deal with all of your issues and have the things in your medicine cabinet that you would have to fix those things what would you have

Cuz the tinctures the tinctures aren't really ever going to go in a medicine cabinet there's too many of them well no I mean I imagine they'd fit in a medicine cabinet but you know when I use them I'm putting squirts into a glass of water right so I'd have to make water and take it into the bathroom and I have an aversion to that so

The tinctures are a separate thing that's more of a mixed health cocktail and it needs to be organized and streamlined a little better than it is but it's not really a medicine cabinet thing

But I've kind of morphed into this routine where I'm washing my face with a soapy cleanser and using a konjac sponge and or a vibrating rubberized thing that I got real cheap

I've been wanting one of those foreo things for a long time but I just didn't know if it was a thing that was going to work for me you know cuz I bought that clarisonic and that was the beginning of all my skin issues or my major skin issues like years ago up until that point I feel like my skin was okay but I think I damaged my barrier and then I got started on this whole like picking thing which is not to say that I didn't pick my face at all before but it just became much worse after that point because I became obsessed with getting all the stuff out of my pores which I hadn't been that obsessed with before so chicken on the road I don't know which was the the worst part but whatever anyway I wanted a foreo and they're expensive and I was not going to buy one

I was going to wait until I could find something that was you know about $20 that was like a knockoff and I found this one and it was $25 and I love it I love it I love it I love it and it doesn't have the problems that the clarisonic did because it doesn't have bristles that kind of move and then you're moving the thing around your face and whatever this is like it's just a silicone thing with some little nubby things so as long as you don't like scrub real hard you just kind of move it around it's pretty gentle and it vibrates and it's it's great I'd love it and I feel like it's helping to clear my pores and all that stuff not that they're completely clear I still have pores and whatnot but

Okay that was a long wind up I've been going into my medicine cabinet cuz that's where I keep it every morning and every evening now in this whole kind of routine and so that made me look at my medicine cabinet and go man some of the stuff that's in there is really old and you don't know what it is and it needs to be reorganized and it needs to be cleaned and you know I just haven't really done that because the medicine cabinet was not configuration that I found very convenient and so I wasn't really using it

But then I had this kind of vision of it being like a place where I went to the medicine cabinet and got the things that I needed from the medicine cabinet to like you know enhance my life or whatever

I guess the maybe the two three I don't know I haven't lived any place that had a medicine cabinet for a long time before I moved here and it's kind of a weird it's off to the side it's whatever anyway

And in the fashion magazines that I used to read they often would have these like you know pictures of this or that celebrity what do they have what exciting things do they have in their medicine cabinet you know

And that was where the whole kind of styling the medicine cabinet fantasy came from it was kind of a combination of things

But instead of taking everything out of it and putting things in it in a way that looked pretty that were just kind of like things that were already someplace else you know I thought well you know you really don't have things that you need when you had the cyst you had to go to the store and buy what you needed for the cyst right and you have allergy pills that you don't take because they make you feel bad You have them like in a drawer and when it gets to the point where you're like the balance has tipped far enough that now I feel bad enough that I need to take them I'll take them but then I was like you know when I was younger

Like when I was in college I used to get a sinus infection I got these allergies and I would get a sinus infection from the allergies persistent allergies every year and one year I was really busy in college and I really just did not have time to go to the doctor I just really didn't and so I called him and I'm look I'm like look Dr Orzeck that may not be how you spell it I can't really remember I have that sinus infection that I get every year that you write me the prescription for amoxicillin for could you just call me in a prescription for amoxicillin cuz you know I've got it I get it every year and he's like no I can't call in a prescription you have to come in and see me and I'm like well I don't have time to come in and see you I'm really busy with school right now so are you sure you can't just call it in for me and he's like no and I'm like well then what do you suggest I do and he's like you know take to aspirin and force fluids or something like that

And it made me mad you know

And I mean maybe it was his medical ethics maybe but it didn't feel that way to me it felt like that he didn't care about me he only cared about making his money so well that's true or not that was how I felt and so I started looking around for something else I could do

And I went to moveable feast which was over closer to me at that point it wasn't all the way across town it was Right there on Alabama Street it's just a few blocks down from where I lived I mean and there's a couple miles but it was easy to get to and they had something called sinusitis by Boiron which was a French homeopathic company and I was like well I don't know whether I believe in homeopathics or not it doesn't sound right but you know there's this thing here and it might work and you know have time for this so let me just try it and the antibiotics that he would give me I would take the full 10 days dose I never took less than the full 10 days dose or whatever it was I think it was 10 days and I never felt any better

I mean he had said I had a sinus infection and we had every reason to believe that I had a sinus infection and after the 10 days maybe I didn't still have the sinus infection my mucus was usually clear instead of yellow so I assumed that I didn't have the sinus infection anymore but I still felt bad it didn't feel any better right the symptoms had not abated it just the there was some reason to think I might be better but I didn't feel better does that make sense

So with this homeopathic stuff I took it for 3 days and I mean you take it like every 2 hours or something you take it pretty frequently but I took it for 3 days and I felt completely well

Like night and day from the antibiotics

And I mean even though I got allergies again for a while there I would just when I would get allergies really bad I would use that stuff and it would fix me up right

And then at some point I just kind of got away from doing it I couldn't find it yeah I went in to moveable feast to try to find it again and a guy who was working there was like he made some kind of comment about oh boron yeah we've got hemorrhoid stuff from them and it was like dude I'm not looking for him right stuff why are you telling me about him right stuff you know I mean he just made it seem like that I was crazy somehow and I could never find it again anyplace else

And so I just kind of you know gave up on it

But I was like you know your allergies have been really bad why don't you just check you know boiron and see what they've got

And I remember what the first ingredient was I don't remember all the ingredients but I remember the first ingredient was belladonna cuz I was like that's poison why is there poison in their medicine but homeopathics are all these like microdoses of things that have the same effect on your body as whatever the sickness is and somehow that stimulates your body to do the right thing or something I don't know it's they always say it's kind of like a vaccine but it isn't really

Which is why it never made sense to me and I didn't really believe in it but you know when you take something and it works that pretty hard not to believe in it so they have something that has that same ingredient as the main first ingredient and it's like sinus calm or something like that so I ordered that

And I just kind of went down and the list of you know what are your issues that you have that you're not addressing that whatever you're doing or not doing it isn't fixing them and so it's just an ongoing thing that makes you feel like s***

And for each of those things I kind of researched and tried to find something that was you know not the obvious commercial product that I probably would not like but instead kind of an interesting more you know kind of natural non-toxic

On Twitter there had been this whole big discussion one time about Vicks and how it cures everything right and so then people started talking about kind of the medicines that they had growing up and they was this cough syrup that was mentioned it's like honey loquat something that is apparently really really common in Asian families and that sounded really interesting to me so I was like well you know let's give that a go so that's already come and I've tried that and it's great and I got that neti pot nose spray and that's great and just taking those two things I feel like 95% better and I haven't the sinusitis thing came today but I haven't used it yet and

There's a couple of other things but then I had a lot of debate back and forth about I'm trying to get like as much as possible multitasking products so that I don't have a ton of stuff that I have to buy and most of these things that I've found are pretty cheap for a depeding rub you know they're like tiger balm but I never liked tiger balm it was messy stay in your clothes and it's a little bitty pot and you're trying to stick your finger in it and scoop out enough I just tiger balm was never my thing

But especially now that I have the anxiety my neck and my shoulders are just like so tense that they really hurt and I really need some sort of muscle stuff so I looked and looked and looked and looked and there are a lot of things

But I found this stuff again that's really inexpensive that is for Thai kickboxers and you know I just thought about all the times that I'm like it's like being you know kicked by a mixed martial arts blah blah blah you know I've used that description a bunch of times to describe what my you know various different pains are like and so I'm like yeah Thai kickboxers that's what I need

But then I want something kind of like a Vicks that I can put on my chest when I sleep that you know cuz when I wake up in the morning I'm so congested and I'm so it's awful it's just awful so I wanted something I could put on my chest but I I don't like Vicks so I mean I just don't do it right You know I'd like something like that but there isn't anything so I just say oh well and just go on with my business right but I'm like no if you want that if that would help you find something that you would like that you can use but there were a lot of things for that too and I went on and on and on and you know I guess if I had used tiger balm for my you know muscle stuff I guess I could probably have used that for my chest as well cuz tiger balm the whole point of tiger balm is apparently it cures everything kind of like a Vic cures everything because that mentholatum stuff is just magic I guess

But what I found is another tie thing it's called sang pure maybe

Which is a very popular it's like the maybe the number one brand in Thailand but this is their yellow balm which says it's extra hot so I don't know maybe that won't work but it was like a little pot that was like you know $5 as opposed to the bigger things that were more so I'm like well you know we're going to try that and if it's too hot then maybe you can use it for something else but they're main one apparently you use it if you've got sore muscles or you know if you've got a stomach ache you rub it on your stomach I mean it's like it's just supposed to be good for everything and I thought about getting the regular one I did but it was an oil and I really think that a balm is better for rubbing on your chest and whatever anyway so that took me a really long time because so we're just a lot of variables a lot of moving parts but I'm excited about it

And then it's like well you need something for headaches and that bomb is for my headache too You know you put it on your temples but I have had not the best luck with you know rubbing essential oil things on my temples although in fairness most of the ones that I've had were like peppermint and lavender or peppermint or lavender I mean everybody seems to think that those are the essential oils that help headache and that's never really done much for me

So I'm not sure that a kind of a methylated thing is going to do it so then I thought maybe maybe I want homeopathic

So I started looking at all the homeopathic stuff and there was the one stuff for headache but I was like well I don't know cuz it was particularly kind of headache and I think that my headaches are largely either sinus which the sinus eye does stuff will take care of or it's tension which is a muscular thing I mean sometimes it's probably something in my brain but I mean I've got Tylenol and I would like to get to where I didn't use Tylenol at all because you know it's toxic and whatnot but I just wasn't too sure about the homeopathic headache stuff I did not think that was going to do it for me

But then they had homeopathic menopause stuff and I'm like well you know the menopause is a big problem for you

But the whole point is you're taking like a little bit of something that would give you the symptoms that you have and it stimulates your body to fix it or whatever but the whole point of my menopause is that my symptoms are not necessarily the normal symptoms right so I was like well I just don't have a lot of faith that that's going to work

But then I came across this video that was talking about maca and red clover isoflavones

And are taking maca before and I had good results with that I wasn't taking it specifically for menopause because I wasn't having menopause yet then

And the red clover isoflavones I'm a little leery about them

When I was much younger like in my 20s somewhere I was looking for herbal remedies for something probably menstrual related but possibly it was just some kind of female balancing thing I don't really remember

But red clover was supposed to be like a female tonic herb so I got some red clover and my body reacted to it very badly the way it reacted very badly to the soy things I mean when I tried to put soy on soy facial products on my face it broke me out really really badly and periodically I had had issues with soy causing me to get hives or you know whatever I don't know

And so I mean I think maybe my estrogen levels were just a little bit too high anyway and so then when I introduced more estrogen my body was just like get this out of here we don't know what to do with it we cannot use that no abort abort you know whatever something it didn't like it

So but now my body has been super craving soy but I've had to cut back on my coffee because you know I was having the anxiety and the heart palpitations and whatnot and I had to make that go away so I couldn't drink you know three giant cups of coffee and you know that are half soy and half coffee so you know I may not be getting enough soy isoflavones but I'm not sure what the recommended dose is for the red clover isoflavones but I suspect that the amount I will need is less so I found this one that was recommended by the video but all they sell now is double strength and I'm like I don't think I want double strength and I think the reason why they switched to double strength was you know they wanted to raise the price a little bit maybe and you know some percentage of the people were having to take multiple pills a day anyway so if they made it double strength and kept the same number of pills then for a lot of people that would work out to be more cost-effective it would last a longer whatever so they just did that

But you don't seem to be able to buy the single strength anymore and I don't want the double strength so then I had to go back and forth and back and forth but I'm just afraid you know I've got my face pretty much clear now I really don't want to start with something that's going to make me you know have extreme hormonal acne but then again if I was getting a lot of soy isoflavones I need to replace some isoflavones and there's apparently you know studies with this particular pill that it was like 84 to 87% effective in reversing all these symptoms and maintaining bone density and you know helping heart cuz one of the things if you don't take the hormone replacement therapy you don't have to worry about all the breast cancer and ovarian cancer and cervical cancer but you do have to worry about heart attacks it's like yay

And this pill supposedly has is 84 to 87% effective and the hormone replacement therapy is only like 90% effective or something like that so it's really really close and of course you can buy all kind of red clover pills but they don't have they don't have them standardized for the isoflavones I can't find anything else I mean they're probably is something else but I couldn't find anything else that was standardized for the isoflavones so I went ahead and ordered that but I may have to cut the pills they look as though their tablets and can be cut as opposed to some kind of gel caps that couldn't so I guess if it's too strong for me I can cut them

But it's just been this big kind of exciting adventure to kind of solve my problems which I kind of thought I had before but clearly I didn't because I had all this stuff and none of the tinctures that I've ever taken seem to really do much for my allergies at all when they do all kind of other stuff I think but they don't seem to do anything for my allergies

So that's kind of what I've been doing my neck and my shoulders are so tight just so like not it up and tense but I think I've been having fun

So I don't know is that normal

I'm not sure any part of that was normal

The realization that I just kind of don't have any medicine cabinet stuff that I'm willing to use you know

And yet somehow just didn't have a real clear realization that I don't have any sort of I don't know plan to just deal with my everyday issues I really don't quite understand how that happened I mean I think it just with the allergy I think I just tried a bunch of different hours you medicines and they all made me dizzy or Spacey or psychotic or some other kind of unpleasant thing like they dried up my sinuses in a way that made them hurt really badly so it just at some point I just said well you know I just have to suffer through this because the alternative is worse but then I have this post nasal drip and then I have this cough and you know now if when I went out to lunch with my mother the other day and I was coughing it's like now if you cough it's like I don't know it's like a taboo you just don't cough or sneeze or any of that kind of stuff because it makes you seem sick so then I was like I really need to do something about this and it just all kind of came together with this idea about the medicine cabinet

Which made it like a quest to make a thing perfect which is the kind of thing that I get off on apparently to just spend a lot of time visualizing and creating a thing it would be more useful I think if I did it in a way that produced something that was more I don't know like money producing

But you know it's about joy and self-care and kind of art in a way

And I did find on eBay for pretty cheap a couple of antique bottles I got one that's a an old bare bottle that has like bare printed in the glass on the side that I'm going to put my tile and all in cuz Tylenol comes in a really ugly plastic container and then I also found for pretty cheap on eBay and old alcohol bottle it's glass and that isn't really the important thing but alcohol used to come in bottles that were a particular shape and it doesn't anymore and for some reason that makes me really sad and so I found this old bottle

And I mean those things are kind of silly

I don't really need to be spending money on antique bottles to put in the medicine cabinet you know I mean that is kind of styling it but it's going to make me happy every time I look at those and it wasn't a lot of money so

Anyway whatever it's been like an hour an hour and a half and I'm almost at a battery and it's really late now I need to go to bed

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I don't remember if I told you I was going to sleep.

Haven't been able to sleep.

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

Goodnight sweetheart

I love you

very

much

💋💋💋

went down a really deep rabbit hole

it was fun

but i gotta go to sleep now

tomorrow though, for sure

goodnight sweetheart

i love you very much *kiss*

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart

I love you very

much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much 💋

💋

Goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much 💋

I am not listen to that one thing yet

I was working on some other stuff

I like sports

I don't know much about basketball or tennis

When I said I don't know much I mean I don't really understand what's happening when I'm watching it

I don't know when I mean I guess in basketball it's easy to tell when a ball has gone through the basket

But I mean I literally do not know any of the rules of tennis or basketball I really don't know what's going on

Football I know a little bit more about because I was forced to watch football my whole childhood so I generally know about downs and stuff but I hate football

Tennis and basketball I kind of like to watch even though I don't know what's going on because it's pretty but I hate football

Baseball

I actually pretty much understand baseball there might be some obscure rules I don't know but in general I know what's going on I like baseball

I know a little bit about baseball history

But I haven't watched any baseball for a while

So I keep trying to tell myself that I'm going to start listening to TK

But I haven't been

Every once in awhile I listen to one

But I just have to come clean and say I pretty much don't know what's going on there either

Although I have listen to it some so I have a little bit of a framework

I have been not doing that well lately

Have a lot of anxiety

And some depression

I've been having like the sort of I don't know if it's an existential crisis or what but a lot of the things that I felt very confident about myself

I feel like maybe I was wrong

And

I don't know I've just been kind of evaluating everything and I don't know if that's a good idea I mean on the one hand perhaps it is from the perspective of you can see yourself from different perspectives but I feel like this is not that good for me to be doing

I've had several dreams where I've gone back to that place I worked last and I'm there because I'm worried they're not doing things right and that they need my help for one reason or another but I don't work there

It just keeps being made clear to me over and over and over in the dream that I don't work there and if they don't know what they're doing there'sn't really that much I can do to fix it so why am I there trying to fix it

And this is like I don't know a new kind of stress dream

I feel like I've kind of lost my mojo somehow

I've been putting all this work into my skincare and I've almost got my face to where it's not broken out almost

But now I don't like what it looks like

And I am up a little bit in weight probably from all those donuts that I'm bribing myself with to get me to leave the house

So I'm up about 10ish pounds

And I think that's at a particular place where when I'm 10 or 15 pounds lower I like the way I look better

I don't know I would say that I've had a lot of confidence in the past

And I would say that I have approached you with a lot of confidence in the past

Like I don't think I could have dealt with all the rejection that I have felt at various points if I didn't have a certain amount of confidence with you

But right now I just don't feel like I have a lot of confidence about anything

And I'm not really sure why that is

I think a big chunk of it is hormonal

And I think a lot of it or some of it has to do with the pandemic and the kind of long-term

Situations that has entailed

But

I don't feel good

I don't actually feel like myself

And I'm not real sure what to do about it

Goodnight sweetheart

I love you

very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart

I love you

very much💋

Well I've been trying to leave the house

And I think I had given you an update on my progress so far

I've been driving the car every other day or sometimes I skip two days in between

I've gone in places

Mostly when there weren't a lot of people there still the idea of being in a place with a lot of people is very difficult for me

But even just the leaving the house

The driving around

They're going in a few places

My anxiety level has just gone through the roof

To the point where I'm having dreams and I'm waking up with like my heart racing

I had like heart palpitations or something I don't know I mean I'm all just nodded up with tension

I'm just not doing very well

And now the trying to remember what they call it it's the transmission rate percentage or whatever it's going back up again in fact our mayor who is vaccinated in booster and wears masks everywhere He's got omicron

So yeah I'm just not sure if I should be trying to go out and acclimate myself to being amongst people

I did dream last night about a road trip I was going home but I wasn't going to be able to stay there and was a long drive

But it's still ended up being extremely stressful somehow

And I'm also stressed about

I'm stressed about other things I can't really talk about

I love you very much

I'm going to go to sleep now

Goodnight 💋 sweetheart

Goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart

I love you

 very much 💋

I'm going to sleep

I love you

very much indeed💋

Goodnight sweetheart

I love you

very much 💋

 drove my car again today

didn't feel very well

menopause-y stuff

I had this image well actually no I've got several things that have come up when I woke up after I had that bad dream I started thinking about bad life choices and whatnot and it made me think about how I had wanted for years to do like an ayahuasca thing because what the ayahuasca is supposed to do is you know the vegetal mother kind of tells you what to do to get your s*** together and then had this image of the vegetable mother as like the plant from the little shop of horrors and then you know with a bow on its head to make it a girl and then a variety of it chasing me around until it kind of settled into a little bit less cartoon image and became kind of a not jiminy cricket but like an internalized is it super ego I shouldn't have to ask that I should know but I don't remember it's been a long time not like an internalized parent but like an internalized authority figure with omniscient abilities and now perhaps that's become a character in my story or in my life whichever happens

But then yesterday and today I'm having this strong feeling that the beginning of something I don't know if it's I don't know what it's the beginning of

But there's this memory I have that I haven't had it just resurfaced I mean if you would ask me about it I guess I would have remembered it wasn't like a repressed memory but I just wasn't thinking about it but when I was pretty little

My father and I were with a group of I don't know who maybe it was his friend I just I'm not sure but he was like you know go on ask her

And so one of the guys asked me who was the vice president and I'm like Spiro Agnew

And my dad's like see that makes her smarter than most y'all cuz you don't know that or something along those lines

And I don't really understand cuz I sort of thought I mean you know Nixon changed vice presidents he got forward so we'd have somebody to pardon him but I sort of thought well maybe he had changed before I mean it wasn't mentioned in school but we didn't exactly study Nixon but no Agnew is who he started off with so why was it so impressive that I knew who the vice president was

Maybe cuz I was like four maybe most 4-year-olds didn't know who the vice president was but why would the people have not known maybe he was making a joke cuz Spiro Agnew wasn't a very well-known politician

I'm just not sure what it means or why it's surfacing now and I feel as though it's the beginning of a story but I'm not sure why

I also don't understand why they would have been talking about who the vice president was in like 1971

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

I watched King Richard That's what it's called right All of a sudden I'm not positive that that's what's called

About Venus and Serena and their dad

I feel like you've probably already watched it

But if you have it I totally recommend it it's really good

You probably don't know this about me but Will Smith is I mean he's probably not my very favorite actor or anything but he's like on the short list you know I would go see a movie on the strength of Will Smith being in it I think he's very underrated

And a lot of the rules that he does are like you know movie star type roles and so you know he's will Smith but you know he reminds me of Cary Grant He's got that kind of charm and like really smooth you know and he's even though he's well even he does sometimes have comedic roles but even if he has a serious role he always kind of utilizes his comedic timing and he's got that kind of smile that's you know like I don't know it he just reminds me a lot of Cary Grant

You know like Cary Grant he was usually just Cary Grant but you didn't mind him just being Cary Grant because he did a good job of the role you know and Will Smith is like that a lot but every once in a while he has a role where he gets to actually act

And this was one of those rules I mean he did a really great job of embodying this kind of kind of crazy guy you know I mean like and it's a situation where if it hadn't worked out he was crazy but since it worked out he's a genius right but I mean he was channeling the crazy

It was kind of reminding me of my dad you know that kind of I don't know it's hard to put my finger on but there's a crazy quality that you know it's it's a physicality thing anyway if you haven't seen it I really recommend it I mean the actresses the girls who play Venus and Serena and their sisters they're all great totally great and the woman who plays the mother she's totally great too and really I mean everybody's great it's really really well done

Also I didn't tell you but I found that 11 is somehow a reference to where Venus lived when she was a kid she didn't say how it was a reference whether that was the street address or what but it is a reference to where she lived as a kid in some way for her

Anyway I think I'm going to go to bed

I love you very much

Goodnight sweetheart 💋

Goodnight sweetheart

I love you

very much 💋

 i drove around

i was going to go to the cafeteria

apparently saturday is the day they are closed

i did not know that

i went to the thai place instead

there was a big tv

i was right next to it

notre dame won

and there was a huge mass of people

wearing green

with mostly no masks

and i almost had some kind of panic response

i saw that one thing in the car

i think it had finished, just

anne rice died

and i feel some sorta way

i've read interview with the vampire like five times

more than any other book except alice in wonderland

starting at eleven years old and continuing through to adulthood

i had just been thinking it was time to read it again

i'm sure i would have

if she hadn't gone all christian on me

she wrote that in six weeks to enter it in some contest

goodnight sweetheart

i love you very much *kiss*

Well I just got up and apparently whatever I read right before I go to bed my brain is going to take as a writing prompt

So I created this whole additional career for myself which I didn't I don't think work the whole career in my dreams but it was my last day I was quitting it was my last day it was a Wednesday and I was working until 12:30 and it was basically Starbucks I guess I read about Starbucks right before I went to bed as well

But I was working with a girl who wasn't anybody I worked with in real life and I was reading we weren't busy and I was reading and then I fell asleep and I woke up and it had been busy the whole place was just wrecked and I'm like were you busy and she's like yes and I'm like why didn't you wake me up and she's like she just kind of shrugged at me

And I felt really bad but I like you know cleaned up

And then I went across the street to get food or something I don't know and I came back and I knocked on the office door which is not something that I would have done it was contrary to policy

And Rebecca opened the door

And she was in there with the guy who was the corporate person who was supposed to be signing off on my transition

He was based on the guy who was my manager at the bookstop

But he was much older but I guess he would be much older in real life too if he still alive

He was a character in real life

In this we were having a talk and I was asking him about you know what you're supposed to do and he's like he confirmed for me that you're not supposed to do anything except make life easier for yourself

And I never did that

I always hated that about all the people I worked for and I tried not to do that

But here in this dream it seemed like nobody was behaving as though I had ever done anything nice for them

And some woman came by and left a message for the new manager and assistant manager to come by and set up some kind of an account at darque tan

Which is the local tanning place or it was I'm not sure if it's still open

I had everything set up for their store meeting which apparently they were having a store meeting and immediately upon the assistant manager becoming the manager to you know get everybody on the same page and whatever and I went out onto the deck and she was having a meeting with the not the whole store but I guess the supervisory staff or something and I'm like you know hey it's only 5 minutes after 12:00 I haven't left yet and we still have to do our transition stuff

And she's like well you know

This is more important

Or something

I just felt like all my time spent there had been just for nothing and now I didn't know what I was doing or where I was going I just knew I had to leave there

We're just kind of how I felt when I left this last place except I had to leave this last place because I mean did just wasn't any other decision that made sense to me

So my head hurts and I'm all congested and I'm kind of crampy too

So

Not my best morning in a while

That was just weird

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

can you believe

I'm having another period

so

that's three this year

maybe that's why

the bad sleep issues

I love you very much sweetheart

I hope you're well

Well I went to sleep watching a clip from Spalding Gray swimming to Cambodia

Where he's talking about being on the train and the guy telling him about working in the waterproof basement with the green button and how he's a swinger and he gets an erection thinking about launching nuclear missiles to destroy the Soviet Union

And I woke up thinking about the pina colada song

Oh there's a way in which the pina colada song represents a sort of '70s romanticism

I mean if you think about it

Here are these people that are presumably married to each other but perhaps not perhaps just living together and they're both kind of tired of each other and they want romance and you know this very kind of personal ad idealized version of what they like right

Pina coladas

Getting caught in the rain

Champagne over health food

Making love at midnight in the dunes by the cape

Just a very idea that you would write a personal ad like that and someone wouldn't answer it and then you would run off and have this romantic adventure right

So he goes to the bar to meet the woman who's answering his personal ad

And it turns out to be his old lady

So here they've been in this relationship and they never knew about each other that this was what they were both secretly longing for right

Well I mean inherent in that is that they were both actually with the right person all along they just didn't do enough to find out about the person they were with to know that they were perfect for each other

So it's all about communication and therapy and whatnot all of a sudden

But it's also about a couple who were trying to cheat on each other

And there's a complexity in that

That even though it's a super cheesy song

Actually contains

Like the possibility of actual

Something you know

As opposed to the idea you know don't sit under the apple tree with anyone else but me

Well that's you know romantic and all

But it posits the romance in a different way

There it's like calling back a nostalgia of you know we sat under the apple tree and had this beautiful picnic or make out session or whatever we did under the apple tree

And A) don't do that with anybody else cuz we're now the exclusive property of each other but also B) if you sat under the apple tree with somebody else even if you weren't doing it in the same capacity because with the exclusive property of each other you would be denigrating the memory of that experience so like don't sit under the apple tree with your sister or your best friend either because that's our special spot

So then suddenly that doesn't become so very romantic it becomes kind of gross

So it's like turning it on its head you know The piña colada song it starts off ostensibly kind of gross and anti-romantic but actually it has the potential of resolution in a way that is actually romantically humanly fulfilling you know and I'm saying we've acknowledged that we aren't the exclusive property of each other and in seeing that we could be with somebody else if we wanted to we find that the somebody else we want to be with is actually each other

And that's the kind of things I think about

Good morning sweetheart

I'm going to go make some coffee and see if the cat has any food left in his dish

I suspect he does

Because he hasn't been hassling me

My cat is very frustrated with me because I have been leaning across the bed kind of stretching my back while I've been dictating this stuff and he's laying right next to me going come on it's time for bed come on you're in the bed and while you're not doing anything you could pat me

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I had kind of an epiphany

I've been trying to wrap my head around this stuff I kind of want to write

It's all about America

And I kept wanting to make it a mystery

And I kept wanting to make it very complicated and you know postmodern and whatever

But you know when I pictured myself writing a novel when I was younger when I would actually try to write parts of a novel anything that I ever felt really good about was written as though I was talking to the reader it wasn't you know this complicated structure and plot and whatnot it was kind of a direct connection to the reader and whenever I start trying to write the way I think I want to write

I hate it and I hate doing it

So since I wanted it to be a mystery I was listening to all these mysteries

And I came to the realization that the thing I like about the mysteries isn't really the mystery it isn't really the structure it's really the getting inside of the character and you know I don't really know what to call it exactly but you know it doesn't have anything to do with the mystery I don't give a s*** who killed the person

And you know I heard a thing well I make it sound like it just appeared in front of me no I looked up a video and I don't remember what I was looking for but what I found was Stephen King and I'm pretty sure I was not looking up Stephen King because even though there are things about his writing that I really really like a lot of his stuff there are things I don't like about it

And although I recognize that he is a very successful American writer and maybe the fact that he has been so popularly successful is part of why I have this kind of block against him and I say things like oh Stephen King is a hack but it that isn't really true I don't really think he's a hack exactly and he's got talent

But I'm just saying this because I want you to know that I was not specifically looking for advice from Stephen King but in fact that was who gave me the piece of advice that after I shoot on it for several days or a week finally led to my epiphany

I'm going to tell you some other stuff that he said too people were asking him you know how do you write so many books and he's like well you know I get up and I write for about 3 hours a day and that gives me six pages and six pages is a book in too months

And they're like no it's not That's enough pages to be a book but surely you don't just sit down and write it in its finished form

And he's like yes I do

I think it all out in my head I don't keep a journal I don't take notes people are always asking me why I don't do that I don't do that he's like the good stuff sticks around and this stuff that falls away wasn't that good anyway now I don't know if I 100% agree with him on that but that is the way I have always written

Even when I was going to write like a paper for school I would think about it I would run it all through my head and I would think about what I was going to say and all the angles and everything and then I would sit down and just write it I didn't write a first draft and a second draft I mean I would write a draft and then I would go through and proofread it and change you know spelling and grammar and anything I screwed up on but it was you know 99% the same

And I'm not saying that you know I could write a novel that way I don't know if I could write a novel that way because I haven't done it but that does match the way I've always written and it was interesting to me that that's how Stephen King writes because he would not have been my role model

He would be someone my mother would have liked to have be my role model and she was the one that was always making me not want to write

But the thing that he said that actually led to my epiphany was you know that people don't care about plot and structure they care about your characters and you shouldn't let he didn't say it exactly like that he it was a lot more of an off-handed comment but it was like you shouldn't let that plot stuff get in the way

He's like you know I didn't think that the shining was going to end the way it was going to end That's just where it took me

And he didn't think Salem's lot was going to end where it was going to end either

So I mean

I guess you'd say that he's a pantser

Rather than a outliner

But I probably still have made the epiphany clear The epiphany was that what is important is the connection with the character not all that structure and complicated literary stuff I like the complicated literary stuff but that isn't enough for me You know I'll start reading something and I might love the way it's written but if I don't connect with the character then it doesn't matter

And just now I had an epiphany this is the epiphany

I'm all trying to be Thomas Pynchon

When who I am is a lot closer to Sarah Vowell

And what I'm trying to write is not a mystery mean it is a mystery but it isn't a mystery like who done it it's a mystery like what the f*** happened to America but then maybe it isn't even a question of what the f*** happened to America maybe America's always been like this and I was just diluted and I didn't think I was diluted I thought I was super jaded

So what I decided over the course of the last few days that I've been working on it I mean it's gone through a bunch of iterations and I've got stuff but it doesn't need to be a big complicated convoluted structured thing that's horrible

Would it needs to be is individual pieces that are connected to the theme but are individual pieces and they need to be something that is kind of an essay kind of a short story kind of a monologue kind of a stand-up routine

Where I'm using metaphors to talk about what I'm talking about and I'm talking directly to the reader it seems to me that that essentially is what I do well if I do that well but it doesn't make sense to say hey I have this thing to express and so in the expressing of it what I'm going to do is make it into a thing that I don't know how to do

That I have to completely learn a new way of being to execute

I will grant you that is the kind of way that I think but you know I mean how s***** is that to myself I mean what in essence I'm saying is that everything I've ever done is crap

Or maybe that's not what I'm saying but it feels like that's what I'm saying like I have to write some great American novel and it has to be some sort of literary standard and so it has to be this complicated thing that I have to create the wheel for

But why does it have to be that

Nobody wants to read that anyway

I mean am I such a pretentious little turd

Did I have to write the kind of book that only a very small percentage of the people would want to read

So no

Not going to do that

If I'm playing to my strong suit which I don't see any reason not to I mean how does it make sense to not play to my strong suit

Then what I need to do is you know what I do

And yeah it's kind of crazy and magical realism me because my life is like that that isn't like some s*** I'm going to have to make up That's how I see the world

How I see the world is weird

And that's the thing that has value

So I don't need to make it weirder it can just be the normal amount of weird

Life in the time of grackles

Golden America

Night kitchen

The future: reality TV

Then I don't really know about the one with the people in the desert I'm not sure exactly what I'm trying to say with that yet

And then there's another thing that's like how come nobody wants to buy the world a coke anymore oh my God what decade are you from

And there's more it's bits and pieces it's not connected yet what I need to do is figure out what all of the things are that I want to say and then say them

I always find it a little frustrating when it takes a really long time to come to a very obvious realization

Hey I'm having a coke

I ordered Chinese food

Because suddenly I had to have broccoli

And the plate that I ordered apparently came with a Coke well I could have had a 7 up or a Dr pepper or something else but I was like I haven't had a Coke in years in fact I couldn't tell you in the last time I had a Coke was the last time I had a Coke it was a diet Coke probably the last three times I had Cokes were diet Cokes and I haven't had any kind of Coke for years

So I mean it could have been like 5 7 I don't know a long time since I've had like a regular Coke

But it kind of takes like Pepsi to me

I mean I guess it's still got that tang that a coke has but it tastes more like a Pepsi than it should

I never liked Pepsi cuz it was too sweet and it didn't have that kind of bitter almond edge

I guess this still has the bitter almond edge but it's too sweet

Although I think the last time I had a real coke I said wow that's too sweet also

I want more of that bitter almond

I have some bubble water I could dilute it but I don't think I will like it better diluted although maybe maybe I will I don't know I don't know

Did they change the formula

Hey

You know I've given you floss recommendations but now I have a toothpaste recommendation

I have used fluoride free toothpaste

Most of my life

And every once in awhile I throw in some fluoride just in case

Like hedging my bets you know is it toxic is it not toxic or your teeth not okay if they don't have fluoride you know who knows

Plenty of indigenous people with beautiful teeth who never used fluoride

Plenty of people who've used fluoride toothpaste that have bad teeth

I don't think fluoride is like the answer

It does harden teeth I mean that's been scientifically proven

But it's fluoride good for your body

To be honest with you I just kind of believed the health foodie people and assumed it was not and maybe that wasn't right but whatever you know

But recently I have been all into Japanese stuff and somehow in the course of that I can't remember why or where or for what reason I found out that Japanese people in Japan mostly don't use fluoride toothpaste it's not recommended by their doctors what is recommended instead is nano hydroxyapatite

Which is allegedly the stuffed teeth are made of so if you brush with that it like fills in all your little holes and you know builds up your teeth and remineralizes them blah blah blah

And I haven't vetted that either like I haven't looked up all the scientific research and whatnot I just believed people

The toothpaste I've been using for years that I really like was out of stock and I needed something different and so I thought well I'll try this but I got a brand called Roswell no not Roswell risewell thank you except that should have been capitalized too but whatever and it's kind of a selfie product it looks really pretty but it's expensive and as I started using it I realized it's got some things that aren't the best about it like it's in a plastic tube so it doesn't squeeze down so it's really hard to tell how much you have left in there and it didn't seem to have that much I mean I went through it a lot faster at least I think I'm almost out of it I'm not really sure but it's not wanting to come out now so I don't know not really any way to squeeze the tube down and get the last little bit out

And it's kind of a gel-like texture but not like a thick gel like a kind of a thin gel and it's got a very delicate mint flavor it's okay I mean I don't hate it I like it but I was like well it seems to be almost empty so let's try something different because this has some issues so I don't think it's the winner so I found this one

and I really really like it

It's got a paste texture that's not exactly the same texture is like your crest or pepcid or whatever but it's a nice texture I like it I like it better in fact than traditional toothpaste texture and it's got a more assertive flavor it's got it's got some baking soda in it it's got peppermint oil spearmint oil anise seed extract and wintergreen oil as well as some stevia and it's got xylitol which birches really good for your teeth as well it's ant i-cavity really anti-cavity oh now you'll say anti-cavity okay and it's got calcium carbonate and silica plus the baking soda so it's it's a little bit whitening it says for sensitive and whitening but you know I find that my teeth are not naturally white they're naturally kind of translucent and so then when they get stained they have a tendency to look not the most beautiful so when something whitens my teeth I notice it pretty much right away and I've been using this for about I don't know 3 days and my teeth already look really good to me so obviously it's not the only nanohydroxy appetite toothpaste but it's a big too tube tube and it's good it's enjoyable oh and it comes with a tube key for you to roll down on the end of it which I haven't had to do yet because I've only been using it for 3 days but that is cool thing

But if you're going to buy it just be careful cuz there are a bunch of different kinds of David toothpaste most of them aren't nanohydroxy appetite but there is another one that's hydroxyapatite that's got charcoal in it

And if you can brush with charcoal toothpaste then you win

Because I could not do that I tried it's supposed to be whitening and so good for you and whatever but it just I cannot The flavor the texture the mess all of those things are just a big uhuh for me

Hope you're having a good day sweetheart 💋

I slept really badly last night

And I had been feeling bad all day

So I went to bed at like 6:30 or so

But I guess I didn't tell you I thought I did but I guess I didn't so I'm up now to pee

And I'm going back to bed

I think I should have slept well for the time I've been asleep

But I still don't feel very well I had hurt

I'm congested

Which could quite easily be allergies

The idea of food seems pretty unappealing

I'm going back to bed now

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

 well i finished   A Midsummer's Experiment

it was completely different than the Mas books

and

i think keigo higashino is like a best-selling type author in japan

the detective doesn't have as much personal importance in the novel

[it's the third, not the first, but still]

but

the mystery is very well constructed

and the world of the mystery is also

it's not like my favorite book ever or anything

but it was solid

highly recommend

i'm about half way through  snow country

by yasunai kawabata

which is beautifully written

but

a real downer

don't really recommend

i love you sweetheart

hope all is well 

💋💋💋💋💋

💋💋💋💋💋💋💋

💋💋💋💋💋

Oh and Venus Williams has a sunscreen well actually she's got two of them One is a sunscreen serum which I think just means it's very thin and absorbs into your skin very quickly and the other one I think is more of a normal cream texture

Their physical sunscreens made with zinc oxide and they are transparent which usually zinc is not transparent usually it leaves a white cast to some degree or another but this I've watched multiple people on videos applying it and it just absorbs right in and there's no white cast it looks amazing

But her sunscreen brand is called Eleven

And I don't know why

Seems like they would be a story with that

I did try to do a search on it

But as I said I'm exhausted and not very coherent so possibly I didn't do a very good search but I couldn't find a reason

And I'm super curious

Cuz for some reason I think it's really cool that it's called Eleven

So I like need the backstory

And when I was asleep I had these really involved dreams in locations I've had dreams in before

And it's just on the edge of my brain but I cannot remember

Okay so when I said good night last night I went and gotten to bed but I could not fall asleep so I just lay in bed for like 4 or 5 hours and then I said f*** it I'll just get up

And I had a couple things I needed to do so I did those and then I fell asleep in the chair but leaning back and made my neck very stiff and sore so that's fun

And then I woke up and said oh I fell asleep in the chair

And then I proceeded to fall asleep in the chair again

It gets dark too early now I don't like that

Anyway I think since I've well I mean I guess I can't say I've been up for more than 24 hours cuz I was just asleep for some amount of time but prior to being asleep for some amount of time I was up for 24 hours a little more than 24 hours I think but I'm disoriented and exhausted so so much for my oh I can totally stay up for 24 hours thing

I think sometimes I can but I think the fact that I went and laid down for 4 or 5 hours made my body think I was supposed to be asleep but then I wasn't so I don't know I'm all turned around

I'm going to go to sleep I'm probably not going to do it right this second but I'm going to go ahead and say good night because I don't trust myself to realize that I didn't do what already

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I fell asleep

I didn't say goodnight

sorry

I'm not sure I'm up yet

I love you very much

Good morning sweetheart

💋💋💋💋💋

💋💋💋💋💋💋💋

💋💋💋💋💋

 

Love you

Love you

Sleeping now

💋💋💋💋💋

So in addition to the seven books I read last month

I read parts of like I don't know four or five more books that I just couldn't get into

So I don't know this month I think I'm going to set my goal for eight books

But I think some of them I'm going to actually read read instead of just listen to

But I've started on a Japanese another Japanese mystery audible was having a sale and so I got

It's called midsummer's equation

By keigo higashino

And this is actually not the first book in the series it's like the third book in a series

But with mysteries a lot of times you can pick up a book that's in the middle of the series and still enjoy it he has a bunch of books so if I like his writing there are I don't know 15 books or something

Not all in the same series

Just for clarification

Sometimes I need clarification

This is my telling you about my reading stuff might not be interesting to you but it's kind of a big deal to me because I used to read all the time constantly and then somehow I got out of it

I think maybe it was when I was working so much

Did I just got to be reading less

And I had a hard time finding things that I wanted to read

You know because like last month I read seven books but they were five I started that I didn't read and some of those I'll go back and read later but some of them I probably won't

And I'm kind of trying to analyze what it is about a book that makes it something I want to continue to read

And there is like a minimum requirement of a certain amount of writing style

But that isn't the only thing that's like a necessary but not sufficient kind of thing

So I'm telling you about this stuff for its own sake not to be trying to tell you something else

I love you very much sweetheart

Yes Please

 i'm going to sleep now

i love you very much sweetheart  *kiss*

i finished 7 books this month

i had to quit the moonstone for a while

i was enjoying it

but

i wasn't really connecting with it

and

i needed another naomi hirahara

iced in paradise

i just really connect with her characters for some reason

Goodnight sweetheart

I'm gonna sleep for a little while

I love you very much 💋

🧲⚙️

I'm gonna sleep sweetheart

I love you very much 💋

 LaBare not The Bear

Okay well I didn't really go anywhere but I did drive around

I drove down fountainview to San Felipe and then to chimney Rock and then to Westheimer and then to Yorktown and then to sage and then to West Park and then west on West Park to Kirby and then Kirby to bissonnet bissonnet back down to sage sage to Richmond to well it's hillcroft there and then when you cross Westheimer it becomes Voss down to the whole foods on Voss and that driving around part before the whole foods stop was about an hour give or take and then I went into whole foods to get some soy milk which I thought would be no problem but there was no soy milk at the whole foods apparently soy milk is canceled

So they had one soy milk which upon closer inspection wasn't actually soy milk it was I got very excited and in fact I didn't notice this until I got home but it was by forager which is a brand that has all kind of nut milks and stuff and that yogurts well when I got home and looked at it it's actually soy milk with coconut cream and cashew in it so it doesn't taste right I mean it's okay but it's not good I'm kind of disgruntly

but I wandered around in the whole foods for I don't know probably almost an hour which is the kind of thing I do well historically

Now when I go to the grocery store I like plan where I'm going ahead of time and like you know practically sprint through the f****** store so that even with checkout I'm not usually there for longer than 30 minutes but there weren't too many people in the whole foods except for people who were working at the whole foods

And then just because I felt bad that I hadn't actually gone anywhere I went into the blue mercury which is some fancy skin care store that I've walked by and looked in the window but have never gone in and you know whatever it's all pretty expensive stuff

And nobody acknowledged me or said hi when I came in the door although they were talking to other people so maybe it's not there thing to greet people I don't know but they might have also looked at me and said yeah she's not our customer

And they're right I'm not their customer

Then I got back in the car and I drove down woodway to fountainview to San Felipe to Augusta to Burgoyne to in the back way sideway whatever the entrance

I did learn something though

LeBare which I don't know I think they have them I think it's a franchise I think they have a mother places but I could be wrong but it's a strip club for women where men strip

Which I've never been to because eww

They had a sign up that said thank you for 42 wonderful years

So I guess they closed at some point during the pandemic

Which I mean makes sense

But my guess would be that they've been closed for probably almost 2 years now

Because my guess is that they closed when all the bars had to close and they probably just never reopened but I could be wrong

So when I went to bed last night it was my plan to get up at like 10:00 or 10:30 this morning and driving my car around because you know it's been another week and I've got to drive it I really need to drive it more than once a week but when the battery is new probably once a week be enough to do it but has the battery gets a little older and it gets less and less time in it's going to need to be driven more frequently so I really need to get back in the habit of driving

So when I woke up at 10:30 I had a really bad headache so I was like okay I will take a time and all and I will go back to bed for an hour and then I will get up and when that alarm went off it said at 4:00 12:30 and then I said it for 1:30 and then I didn't set it anymore and I didn't wake up until 6:00 so I don't really know how I slept that long

And I was going to go to sleep I don't know I had a couple of different plans One of my plans was to just stay up for 24 hours until 6:00 p.m. and then sleep 12 hours and get up at 6:00 a.m. the next day because that 24 and 12 thing seemed like it worked for a while but then I thought well no I'll go to bed and I'll just sleep for 4 hours or so and then I'll get up and drive the car around early in the morning but you know now it's 4:30 so my choices are I can stay up and go drive the car but it's not going to be late until like 7:30 or I could sleep for a few hours and get up and do it but I don't know if I trust myself to get up and do it

But and I'm not really sleepy but I am kind of I don't know tired maybe isn't the right word exactly slightly disoriented I feel like I've been awake for a really long time and I'm not terribly coherent but I really haven't been awake for that long

I'm really not sure what I've been doing for the last 4 hours

So I think what I'm going to do is I'm going to go lay down and listen to book tape

I'm really enjoying the moonstone but I have not gotten very far at all

And normally I would take some melatonin because if I don't take melatonin then when I wake up in a few hours I won't be able to go back to sleep but since what I want is to not be able to go back to sleep because I want to get up but then again I don't know if I'll be able to go to sleep

But I guess if I can't go to sleep then when it's 7:30 I'll just get up and go drive around I don't know

I have several different thoughts

Maybe I will go and have breakfast

I probably need to go to the grocery store because I'm almost completely out of soy milk

And I'm getting low on grapefruit juice

And those are both things that I require for my day-to-day

And I could absolutely have them delivered but if I need to go out and drive I could also while I'm out pick that up

But I can't just drive to pick that up because that isn't far enough driving

I don't know about the breakfast though

I mean I guess early breakfast on a Sunday could work and not be too crowded

Because the people who go to church will be out of church yet and the people don't go to church won't be awake yet maybe

When I went to the was going to go I should say to the museum the other day that might not have worked anyway because I've looked it up now and they have timed entry so I don't know you know so they don't get too many people in there I don't know what they do if you just show up maybe they save a certain number of timed entries for people who just show up

I could go to the zoo

I feel like if I'm trying to get myself over the fear I should probably go somewhere since just driving around in my car doesn't really change anything although I seem to have trouble getting myself to do that too but I feel like at some point I should move beyond just driving around in my car

Anyway I don't know

One thing that's interesting about the moonstone is I'm listening to this narration piece that's by the Steward I think I told you about that maybe not but what I didn't mention was the sky he has maybe read it so maybe you know this but he has Robinson Crusoe as kind of like his Bible and that struck me it's kind of interesting because I mean of course Robinson Crusoe is you know classic literature and I'm sure I've read excerpts out of it but I've not read the whole thing for sure it never really interested me to read the whole thing it's been used for tropes so much for just everything but I was like huh

Because Collins is character who's narrating her well who's writing the story he writes the he writes a story and his daughter looks over his shoulder and is like that's not what you're supposed to do you're just writing about you and he says I wonder if writers ever get distracted by themselves right and I thought that was a very like you know third wall winky winky kind of moment and so I wondered if having Robinson Crusoe was a kind of a humor thing as well that I just wasn't really getting and so I looked it up and it was written quite a bit earlier was written in 1719 whereas the moonstone is written in 1868 I think maybe 1865 1866 somewhere in there but I think it's 1868

But Robinson Crusoe is credited by some as being the first novel maybe the first modern novel I'm uncertain because I thought Don Quixote was credited as being the first novel and possibly something else but maybe what they mean is the first English language novel

And of course the moonstone is credited with being the first mystery and so maybe it's like a wink and a nudge you know a cam doing a new thing here but maybe not maybe there's something else completely that if I read Robinson Crusoe I would get the joke because I'm pretty sure there is a joke there I'm just not sure if it's worth 10 hours of listening to Robinson Crusoe to get the joke

But I looked and there was a free version so I may maybe we'll see

Also I got interested in the Wilkie Collins guy and I looked him up and he seems like he was kind of an interesting auntie establishment cat really really auntie really and ty no

Anti-establishment there we go knew you'd get there in the end

Anyway

Off to maybe sleep for a few hours

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart

I love you

very much

💋

🧲⚙️

I'm up

and

going to shower

and blah blah

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I'm gonna sleep

but my plan is to be up by 10

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Well after trying to get into the department of sensitive crimes and failing to become involved with the narrative

I have moved on to the moonstone

Now I did see a film version of that before so I have some idea of what happens

But I think it was still be different to listen to it

And I'm hopeful that I will enjoy it

I'm going to try to sleep a little bit now

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

I love you sweetheart

very much indeed💋

 i tried to go to the museum thursday

i did drive around

but

i didn't make it to the museum

i got almost to kirby, not quite

and then my stomach started to hurt really bad

i thought i might throw up

or maybe shit myself

so

i decided to try to go to cleburne

but

the parking lot was packed  packed

and i couldn't do that either

so i managed to stop at the donut place

which, at about 1pm was  empty

goodnight sweetheart  *kiss*

i love you very much

You have such a great smile

Goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much 💋

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

I'm going to bed now

💋 goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much💋

Goodnight sweetheart 💋

I love you

very much

Goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I dreamed I was graduating with honors from some school that was not a regular school but I don't know in what way it was different than normal

And one of the things that I was allowed to do because I was graduating with honors and I guess not regular honors because a lot of people would graduate with honors this was like it just me thing

I was allowed to go around to these very prestigious schools and look through their libraries and take out books to put in my special library back at my school

And the first place I just went down the stairs and threw a door and found the library without finding a map or having anybody tell me I just went straight to it like I was drawn to it and there was this section with all these old books

And I just pulled off this entire section of these like ancient Polish folktale kind of books I don't know why

There were books from all different countries but it was the Polish ones that I pulled off

What do you think that means

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

 also

and this may be a sad thing

or a crazy thing

but

i bought a doll

https://www.ebay.com/itm/144266929804

i don't necessarily think it looks like me

but

it touched me 

Parties

Got me thinking we didn't really have any parties

Like I remember my stepmother One year she was trying to have a party I want to say it was a New Year's party and she was working at that time at the telephone company I think so she invited a bunch of people from work and I think my father might have been supposed to invite people from work but maybe not I don't know if he did if he was supposed to I don't think he actually invited them so Deborah invited all these people

And you know we cleaned the house up real good and she put non-smoking signs on every single surface and this was at a time when there was no place telling you you couldn't smoke you smoking movie theaters you know it was like I don't know 1975 1976 something like that

But she was an early adopter of the non-smoking so she put non-smoking signs on every conceivable surface and so I mean assuming that people came they wouldn't feel very comfortable but only two people showed up I think it was somebody who was really new at the company and didn't know that you know nobody liked Deborah they just thought it was a party and they came and they brought a bottle of pink champagne and you know they sat around for I don't know an hour or two but there was like no music I don't think there was no I mean there was nothing there were some you know like maybe chips and dip or something but there was nothing at all if there weren't people wandering around talking and nobody came so after a couple of hours they like took their champagne back and left

That was the only party that any configuration of my parents ever had I mean my mom had gallery openings and we went to some other parties

I know Jason had birthday parties I don't know if he had them every year or not but I think I only had three birthday parties while I was a kid well I mean

Let me qualify that I have never had a birthday party that I threw for myself as an adult or whatever

I have worked for places that threw me birthday parties and I've certainly done things for my birthday

But I mean you know no one's ever thrown me a party that was a non-work party nor did I ever want them to I never wanted to have a big party

But in the time I was a kid I had a party for my fourth birthday I guess or my aunt Edith dressed up like a clown and I had some friends over I don't know exactly who I had over I know I had Ian who was my best friend when I was little his parents were Edith's friends and they had a health food store and they moved away when Ian was maybe four or five but he was still I think they went to Boston actually but he was still around and I think my mother had probably just met Cholla who wasn't yet Cholla so Gigi was there but I don't know who else was there I must have been some random neighborhood kids that they scraped up from somewhere or children of friends of somebody and I don't know

And then I had a birthday party with other kids when I was I'm not sure how old I was I had to probably been like eight or nine I know we didn't have it when we lived at the nice apartment it was after we moved to the trashy apartment but I had chicken pox when we were in the nice apartments so and besides I remember it being at the trash department it was when Jaws was like a huge thing though and I thought up this game and I think this was like pivotally part of the reason why I wanted to have a party cuz I had thought up this pin the girl in jaws's mouth and I thought that was just hysterically funny and cool

And so did Deborah and so she made the you know poster board with the painted shark and the little you know I think we probably used some kind of a paper doll Barbie or something to be the girl but maybe not I don't remember exactly but anyway her rich sister the one whose husband had a company of some sort they lived in the trailer with the foundation she thought it was a cool idea and she managed to get it into the paper somehow so she talked to somebody at the newspaper and then maybe Debra also talked to them and so there was this whole thing in the paper about my game but I got no credit for it at all Deborah just totally said she thought it up and I was so pissed I mean on the one hand it didn't really matter but on the other hand I mean come on

And I don't really remember who was there I mean just people in which school with I guess I don't even really know that I had that many friends at that point

And then when I was going to the patch school so I don't know my 11th or 12th birthday I guess and that we didn't have a party at my house because I mean my mother would have had to clean up or let people in the house with it the way it was one or the other neither of which were acceptable so we had a party that was like we went out to eat at Baba yagas and then we went to the River oaks theater and saw movies we saw I know we saw the 7% solution at least I'm pretty sure but I don't remember what the other movie was that makes me sad that I can't think what the other movie was because I really think that the other movie was the movie that I specifically wanted to see because I don't think I'd seen the 7% solution before so I think that was like new I just don't know I don't think it was Sherlock Holmes smarter brother but it might have been

Anyway I don't remember maybe I'll remember later but I actually got some sort of public reprimanding at patch school from the principal about it because it was too lavish or ostentatious or expensive or something and I was like you know we all had sandwiches and we went to a movie and you know I haven't had a birthday party for like the last 4 years

But for some reason I had to justify it I don't remember I think she decided that I was too status conscious which was ridiculous because I was wearing like hand me down polyester double knit with pressed in sewn in pleats and some of the other kids were wearing designer clothes you know I mean it just doesn't make sense to me but she decided I was bad probably because the first year I went to school there she asked me where we were going on vacation for the summer and I'm like oh I don't think we have money to go on vacation I don't think we're going anywhere and so she was going home to visit her family and so she told my mother that you know her son was taking his best friend along and she wouldn't mind having another kid along so did I you know want to go

And I told my mother no I didn't want to go because I really didn't want her to know that much about me I really didn't feel like it was going to serve me well to have the principal be all up in my business but my mother made it very clear that if I didn't go I was going to regret it for the rest of my life and she meant like oh this is a great opportunity you'll see lots of good stuff and you know you'll regret not having gone but that was a really what she meant what she really meant was she would go make me regret it for the rest of my life so I figured I may as well go and suffer the consequences

And you know I think the point at which she decided she hated me was when we went to see the Mayflower museum and I was like oh I bet this is the person I'm related to and she was Portuguese and I gather from things that I've learned way way later that there are some tensions there but I was in no way trying to activate any of that Plus I think I said something about we went to see a bunch of the rich people's mansions in Rhode Island

And I think I said something about you know how much would a house like this sell for and she said well you know this is a historical landmark and there's no way it would ever be sold and I think I probably said something like oh if you waved enough money in front of them I'm sure they would sell it

Which I kind of halfway standby still but I mean I was very young and I feel like that probably was more representative of things that I had heard my mother say than of actual thoughts I had really thought through

But so she decided that I was some kind of rich person I guess I don't know I really don't understand but she really did not like me and the whole rest of the time I was there she like had it out for me

which is not to say that she persecuted me most of the time it was fine but anytime there was something where she could air on the side of I really needed to be taught the way things were then I was going to have some kind of an intervention

And you know I probably did need to be taught the way things were but that wasn't really the way to teach me You know I mean really that had no positive effect on me

Now I mean I did have birthdays

But it would usually just be you know some configuration of immediate family and a cake

And the parties that my family had were always just you know like holidays get together kind of things and they were always kind of a fiasco

And I know I went to a went to a few parties

My mother went to a party that was thrown by somebody we knew from the Renaissance festival and they had a punch bowl that was a champagne punch I think it was pink champagne with strawberries in it

And I wasn't drinking the punch because you know it's alcohol and I was I don't know probably probably for that party I was not yet 11 that was probably the same like new year that I would have turned 11 after but I wasn't quite 11 yet and it was in like her you know condo or something and I wasn't drinking punch because it was alcohol and I was a kid and I wasn't supposed to drink alcohol but I was taking the strawberries out of it and eating the strawberries and you know I didn't know this and my mother didn't know this but if you put fruit into alcohol it soaks up the alcohol so by eating the strawberries I was actually getting more alcohol probably than if I had just drunk a little bit of the champagne Plus I was eating a bunch of strawberries cuz you know they were good and so I got kind of dizzy and fell over and it was humorous quite humorous I had to go lay down

But I've never ever had a party that I threw

Did your parents actually have parties and they wanted you to do things for their guests

Is it like a real thing

I wasn't even really allowed to have people for sleepovers

Like maybe twice

Maybe not though maybe I went to other people's sleepovers but even that not very often

Hi heard about something today it's called like BFF bumble or BFF bumblebee or some s*** like that I don't know it's some app where I think a part of it might be a dating app but the BFF part is for making friends

And I was watching this thing in the sky said his therapist recommended to him that he uses app and try to make some friends and I'm like I'm kind of like why would you want to have friends

And I don't know That's probably not fair most people like I've had friends that I work with but they're you know they're like work friends and some of them I've gone and done things with and you know like I know Misty when I was friends with Misty if I would say that I had done something like oh I went and saw a movie or I went and did XYZ on my day off she would be like what didn't you call me

And it never would have occurred to me to call her because a I would probably rather do it by myself You know if you're going to do something that isn't really something that the other person would want to do then you're going to have to change all the stuff you want to do so that it's something that they want to do and then you're not having a good time you know I did go to the Renaissance festival with her one time and we had a really good time so I'm not saying I couldn't go someplace with her and have a good time I'm just saying that you know if I'm going to do something by myself it doesn't occur to me to think who could I involve in this activity with me

Because I'm a person who you know I'd really rather do it alone because then I can go at my own pace and think my thoughts and write my inner dialogue and whatever stuff that I do that's freaky and other people don't do but I interact with the world in a different way and if I'm interacting with another person I'm not really doing that and I enjoy my process I guess so I mean if it's something that they would like to do and I would like to do and we're going to do it together and it's going to be a fun thing and we're going to plan it in advance and whatever okay

But I would not want somebody to call me at the last minute and say hey you want to go do this because I'm not prepared you know I got to psych myself up for that s*** I'm not like just leaving at the spur of the moment I mean not even before I became an agoraphobic or whatever I am now

But Misty is the kind of person that apparently most people are where they don't like to be alone it makes them unhappy to be alone they're lonely when they're alone and so they're trying to fill their time with other people

But I was thinking about the BFF bumble or whatever the f*** and I was like you know it would be great to have somebody who was you know really intellectually stimulating that I could go see a museum show and talk about it you know or go see a foreign film and talk about it I've never really had a friend like that

So I was curious about the BFF thing and I looked it up on YouTube and I just scrolled through like I didn't read any of the the titles or anything I just scrolled through the ones that were about the BFF thing and looked for a person who looked like somebody that I might want to be friends with

And I know that sounds terrible because it's you know all external and visual-based and whatever but I mean you know it wasn't like I was looking for the prettiest one whatever the f*** that means it was just like oh no I could tell from that person's makeup and clothes that they are just on a different wavelength in me through like almost the whole list and then I saw one person who looked like I mean almost exactly like a blonde Shoshanna actually and I'm like wait her

She probably too young she wouldn't want to be friends with me but I want to let her explain to me about the BFF thing right

So she's from Austin and she's an illustrator and she makes bras like you know bootleg homemade bras or something right so I mean she's probably semi interesting but she was talking about it and she was like you know you have to make your thing and really what people tend to do is is write something like hey I'm looking for some girly to hang out by the river and drink beers and go to brunch and she's like but you know everybody likes to drink beers by the river and go to brunch so you know that's not differentiating yourself and I'm like yeah I would never say that because I wouldn't want to do that but I get that you know and she's like and it also doesn't help to put things like I like movies and music because everybody likes movies and music you need to specify what kind of movies and music and I'm like yeah yeah I get that and she's like you know and don't put stuff like I love the office because everybody loves the office and I'm like oh yeah well I guess everybody does love the office but I don't love the office I just watched it because everybody loved the office and I was afraid I might be missing a cultural moment so I watch it like 10 years after everybody else watched it

And so I was like well you know this is not work this would probably not be the way for me to meet friends actually I've thought if I was going to try to make friends probably what I would do maybe well one of the things I thought I might do involves the Unitarian universalist universalist Church which is just around the corner not so much going to church but they have a lot of weird fringe culture groups that I thought you know well maybe I could meet some weird people but

I'm not sure I'm really prepared to do that and I'm not sure that would really work anyway

So I was thinking you know

My my thing would have to be something along the lines of look I'm not really looking for a BFF I'm just emotionally scarred from the quarantine and I want to ease back into human interaction

So really what I'm looking for is somebody who would enjoy to go to an art museum see a show and discuss it somebody who would enjoy to go to a foreign film just like once or twice a month

Well I mean you know who's going to go for that not the kind of people that are going to use that kind of app I think

And she was talking about having pictures that weren't posed but have pictures of you you know roller skating or painting or something and it's like how is that not going to be posed I can't take those pictures myself so that means somebody's going to have to take them of me

I mean when I used to work with people who wanted to do things with me I was always trying to explain to them that you know when I have finished working I have had as much human interaction as I can handle for the day I have to go back home and recharge I can't go out and have more human interaction it's too much

And I could absolutely go to the museum by myself and I probably will end up doing that it just would be nice to have the option to like have a person who could talk about it with you and I mean I could go to the museum with my mom and theoretically we could have a conversation about it but I don't feel like in fact my mother has a very intellectual philosophical viewpoint on art I don't feel like that when we went to see the Georgia O'Keeffe exhibit in Washington DC which we did and it was fun I don't remember how old I was I was in high school maybe 16 maybe 15 you know it was fun but I don't believe we had any intellectual discussions I mean I guess we could have had a discussion about paint usage but I'm not even sure that we did that I think it was more like who were seeing the show

But it recommends this BFF app for people who are new to a city and want to make friends I don't know I mean I can't see it working out but I'm intrigued