And that's mostly fine and then I'll maybe have one day or two days a week that I sleep a longer. If time to kind of catch up and that's just I guess the way it's going to be because I can't seem to make myself go to sleep early and I would sleep late but I am now doing things so I can't
But last night I had nightmares
That kept waking me up about my father and Jason
So I did not get much sleep and sleep I got was not good sleep and as a consequence I've been a little out of it all day
My mother has a web page which I blocked out because the last time I looked at it which was years ago I was like oh this is terrible You need to redo this because it's from like you know 98 or something it's front page it's terrible it's just not something that a professional person would have
And it was terrible whenever I saw it The first time you know and it it hasn't well I guess it has improved some because I guess some of it is gone now it's simpler but she was wanting to try to figure out how to put a link to the Etsy shop because she gets so much traffic on her web page and so I went to try to look at it and I had forgotten how bad it was in fact I can't even bring it up on my phone for some reason Even if I type in the web address it just won't come up
and she's not been very receptive to any of the things that I've brought up so I don't know how she's going to feel about this new web page
and of course I'm not a computer programmer I can't like build it from scratch but you know I can go to squarespace or something
And I guess the way to go with that would be to develop it and then show it to her because you don't have to pay for it until you launch it
But I'm not sure how that's going to interface with her email because I don't think squarespace has email I'm sure it can be directed at her web address I don't know how to do that but I'm sure it can be done
And she was asking me I'm not sure which day she was asking me maybe it was Friday or maybe it was sometime over the weekend she was asking me if I understood hashtags and I'm like yeah I think I understand hashtags what do you mean
cuz I'm not really sure how you understand hashtags you know # is just #
and she's like well I think we should start using hashtags on the Etsy shop
And I'm like I don't think you can use hashtags on the Etsy shop how would you use hashtags on the Etsy shop and she gives me this kind of angry look and I'm like okay well I'll find out so I'm researching it and no in fact you don't seem to be any hashtags on the Etsy shop
And she kind of pre-framed herself as being you know knowledgeable about the wide variety of things but every time I ask her about anything she basically explains to me how to Google
Like I might not know how to do that
I think she's explained to me how to Google like I don't know 15 or 20 times
And now she's asking me about the hashtags
now I had been trying to explain to her about hashtags before in relation to Instagram because she's already apparently got an Instagram and I was like you know if you post something be sure you post hashtag artists of Instagram or and hashtag watercolors or hashtag mixed media or you know whatever but be sure you get hashtag artist of Instagram on there
and she didn't at that point indicate that she didn't know what I was talking about so I thought she understood but apparently not
So you don't use hashtags on Etsy which I didn't think you did You do use them on Instagram which I knew and I had told her about and I didn't think you used them on Pinterest but apparently they have started using them on Pinterest for the last couple of years people who have branding will do like hashtag their brand for everything that they post on there and then also you know hashtag and you know something people would be looking up like vegan baking #vegan baking hashtag I don't know whatever but you know like you would use a hashtag and then apparently that's great and they've all been doing it but they're like but you know only do between two and five hashtags because if you do more than that it looks really spammy so I'm not a hundred percent sure whether hashtags are really a thing on Pinterest or whether these people who are trying to use Pinterest to boost their shops and things which is not as far as I'm concerned the point of Pinterest but some of the videos that I've watched have indicated to me that some people at least are getting business that way and she seems to think that that's the way to go although I'm not sure I believe her
But if she wants me to be trying to broker her art which you know maybe that'll work great and maybe it'll be really really difficult I'm not sure I don't really think this is the climate for it right this minute but whatever I guess we can work towards it but I'm not going to be trying to sell her stuff and sending people to that website I mean I wouldn't buy anything from somebody who had that website I wouldn't consider them to be a professional person I would be like oh your granddaughter built this website for you 20 years ago huh now I'm pointing factor granddaughter didn't build it she built it but I mean that's how it looks this is an old person who doesn't have any idea what's going on in the world now
I'm not being mean it's really really horrible
Also she has art on there that says it's new mixed-media pieces that's like 18 years old at least although I guess it may as well be new cuz some of it is stuff we got hanging up but I'm pretty sure everything is dated so I mean it's not going to fool anybody who's looking
Also she seems to think I'm a PR person so I'm going to have to learn how to do that too because she's like we've got to find a reason why people want to interview me so I can get written up in the local papers
but I haven't really thought of an angle why anyone would want to write her up and I don't really think that that's the way it happens anyway I think it's got to be some sort of you know event or viral video or something I don't know but I don't think people are just going to want to write her up because I call them and say she's super cool
Now I'm not saying there isn't an angle
I'm just saying you know I'm not Alexis
Also I kind of assume
You might think badly of me
For my estranged family situation with my brother
I really just do not know how to respond to him
He wanted me to come visit for Thanksgiving we talked about it a while ago and I told him I'm like you know I'm just not really in a position to do that now I'm not in a position to make any sort of commitments to that effect we'll just have to see how things shake out for me
and he didn't ask me any questions about what my situation was or what he could do to facilitate my coming to visit or anything like that he was kind of just like on me I was supposed to do it
And now
I mean maybe the kid legitimately wants to see me wants to meet me or maybe you know he's pushing him I really don't know
It's not that I don't want to meet the kid
but you know I'm not at a position to travel right now even if it were safe to travel I don't have money for that
And I have every expectation that they would be unpleasantness regarding the estrangement which seems to somehow be my fault
Now I will say that I didn't
Say Happy Thanksgiving or Merry Christmas over Facebook to him and it didn't even occur to me
now I didn't say happy Thanksgiving or Merry Christmas to anybody else over Facebook either I don't think I didn't post anything that I can think of
I texted my mom
I've had communications with you
But I just feel very strange about all this
I mean maybe I should feel bad that I didn't say happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas
That's a small thing and I could absolutely have done it and it just didn't occur to me
Now it's also true that he could have done that for me as well and didn't and I didn't take any offense at it because it again didn't occur to me
But I just feel really really uncomfortable and like somehow I'm supposed to have been keeping this going all along and I'm supposed to have you know I'm supposed to make it all happen now and I I don't understand I don't understand the kids' situation
I mean do you really think that it was his idea
and that he really wants to meet me and that he loves me when he's never met me and doesn't know anything about me except whatever Jason might have told him which is probably not even right you know I just feel
I feel like I feel every time that I have any contact with my family like bad stuff's about to happen to me and I just don't want to participate in it
I mean like when he contacted me way back whenever that was and was like you know you still have family I didn't even know how to take that like was I supposed to take that like he was opening up to me and saying we love you and we want you to be part of our family and we you know or was he saying you still have family you have obligations to us I just couldn't I couldn't tell you
And I feel as though you don't have any family situation that would make that make any sense to you
And that therefore you would judge me for that
And not wanting to be judged and not wanting to be taking advantage of and not wanting to be saddled with responsibilities that I have not accepted and that are not reciprocated is the main reason why I don't want to have anything to do with my family
And you know maybe that's unfair
Maybe that's not what he means at all
I just know that when I went there before in like December of 2007 January of 2008
I did not feel safe
I did not feel safe with them I did not feel safe in New York City I did not feel safe in my own skin
There were some things that were said that made me feel judged and looked down upon
and I'm just generally not interested in that
but I'm perfectly willing to accept that that might be my crazy and that that might not be in fact what's going on
But even if it's not
I don't understand this idea that because you are genetically related to someone you have some magic bond that even if there has been no attempt made to maintain any kind of a relationship
I've had the same phone number since 1996
And I think I got one phone call in 96 and one phone call and 97 and then subsequently there have been no phone calls
I mean like for example if the kid wanted to talk to me if Jason was really interested in us all having some sort of a relationship you know he could give me his phone number and I could call and talk to the kid or I could give him my phone number again and we could call and talk to each other but instead I don't know his phone number it certainly hasn't been offered to me
Instead there's been this weird series of Facebook interactions that don't make any sense to me
Promises have been made to the kid apparently that you know haven't been signed off on by me I don't have anything against the kid but I don't like feeling like I am letting him down and upsetting him when you know I didn't have anything to do with any of this
I just I don't like it it doesn't sit right with me it doesn't sit right with me and I wanted to send him a you know private message and say something but I really don't want to have to explain my situation when I mean he hasn't asked at all I really I really don't sort of appreciate the you know I don't really know you and I don't really understand your situation but I just want things from you whether you are in a position to give them to me or not I'm not even going to ask you is that something you can do is that something you want to do I'm not going to try to bridge the situation in any way I'm just going to have weird interactions with you and then want things from you
I mean that's not normal right
Am I the a******
And then I had those nightmares about my father and you know I don't know I don't know
I don't know how much of my situation is just my being overly dramatic I don't really think of myself anymore as being overly dramatic I mean I think I was when I was kid but I feel like I'm kind of low-key now
And maybe this is really really selfish I'm prepared to accept that I might be a really really selfish person in this but you know I'm trying to work through this stuff with my mom and I feel like I'm making real strides but I it's not easy you know every time she says something mildly amusing and I kind of laugh she's like are you laughing at me in this like really angry voice and I'm you know having to redirect everything and be like no I just thought you were amusing are you going to yell at me every time I think you're amusing and think that I'm mocking you
And you know I have to reassess myself in light of her and any way that I might be vaguely like her I have to accept that and work out strategies and you know I mean it's it's not all skipping through the park it's it's kind of like therapy but I have to be my own therapist and I'm not complaining I signed up for this but I really don't feel like I can do the whole family of origin at once you know
And I realized that Jason is not my entire family of origin but I just I can't I can't do that too I just I do not feel emotionally capable of spending a lot of time trying to figure out what his motivations for things are I mean I I did that before spend a lot of time getting all embroiled in what the f*** he was trying to say with these weird cryptic things you know but I can't do that now I just can't
So you know maybe I'm ruining the kids' life and again it's not even that I don't want to get to know the kid I wouldn't mind to get to know the kid it's the other stuff
But I mean whatever you know
I had been having some thoughts
Long time ago I had the impression that the thing that talks to me whether it's God or a spirit guide or another part of my brain I don't know whatever I don't want to be locked up I'm not going to make a statement about what it is but
There was a point in the past a long time ago when I felt like
I wanted to go on or rather I felt like I had a calling to be some sort of a religious thing a nun or a minister or something
And we did not go to any sort of religious services so I started going to church with just random friends trying to find out about churches and kind of what they were all about and this is like I don't know like second grade third grade something like that and I would go and I didn't feel God there and I really didn't like it
And then there was some point and I don't remember when it was it wasn't quite that young but it was like way before high school that whatever this thing was that I was talking to said kind of casually well you know you should just start your own religion because I was complaining you know that none of the religions seemed to fit my already kind of developed sense of my relationship with God
and I don't think I ever really took it all that seriously that seemed like you know kind of weird I guess and of course that was a time when there were a lot of cults and stuff so I think it just did not seem like the right thing to do to me
But then I've been thinking about it
And I'm not saying I'm going to do it
Button I've been thinking about it
And kind of
You know what that would look like
What would a new religion need to be
To be positive and self-actualizing and the thing that struck me as being really important
Was there's a quality to what's largely women but it's not entirely women would there's this like apologizing for everything and feeling or presenting very low self-esteem and then there's all this kind of gender trauma
And I don't know it just seems to me
There's some there's a real niche there of some kind of you know empowerment that I don't feel like is being completely addressed and standard religion doesn't seem to me to address it at all and there's a you know pretty good swath of people that have issues with their family of origin and I feel like there are a lot of people who need to find themselves you know in a centering spiritual way right
I mean the younger people they don't have problems largely with the social justice and the helping others part at least philosophically
But there's something that they need that they're not getting
And so I've been thinking about that pondering that and I mean I'm not saying I got real far with it but you know I was trying to think what are some of the core things that you could build into holidays and that you could build into you know cycles of the year that could help people with that sort of stuff and I have some very real doubts about my ability to interact with that many people on YouTube I think eventually it would have to be its own platform somehow and that just all seemed a little bit much but I was thinking about it and I was like well maybe it's a you know maybe it's a book you going to need a book maybe you don't need a book I don't know
And I'm almost out of batteries
So anyway I've been thinking about all that stuff and then this came up this whole thing with Jason
And I'm like so is that supposed to show me that I'm right and it's a needed thing or is that supposed to show me that I'm not capable of dealing with it or is that supposed to show me that before I could do this I've got a whole lot more work to do on myself or just what exactly is the universe trying to tell me cuz I'm getting mixed signals
So anyway that's some of the stuff that's been going through my head
And I really just do not feel like the same person at all
I really kind of feel like I want a new name but I don't really know what it should be
And then I think well you know maybe I'm crazy
but I don't feel like I'm thinking about it in a crazy way I mean I'm not like thinking oh I want to be a cult leader and I specifically don't want to be a cult leader that doesn't even sound vaguely appealing to me
I would not mind having a compound in the desert but I feel like the compound would be kind of like more of an ashram than a compound and it would be a lot more introverted so really it would just be like you know a big property with a bunch of people in tiny houses that had some shared common area and that seems like kind of a cool thing that there might be actually some interest in although I guess you'd need money
So anyway
That's what's up with me
I love you very much sweetheart
Goodnight 💋
