in FAIRNESS 

to my therapist 

he ALSO 

MIGHT 

REALLY have NOT wanted to go to the doctor 

& was looking for ME 

to give him 

COVER 

he has

WEIRD avoidance PATTERNS 

I haven't had enough 

DATA points

to effectively 

MAP

I said something 

on social media again 

TODAY

& I FEEL rude NOW 

it was not necessary 

BUT 

I WANTED to say it

& WHATEVER 

NOBODY 

cares

this woman

she's a LIFTER 

& men do the stuff they do

& she trolls them

& it's just

LIKE 

this WHOLE unapologetically 

NONE of THIS 

is FOR anyone OTHER 

than ME

it's SUCH an unacceptable thing somehow 

AND

this one person 

who may be

a woman

it wasn't OBVIOUSLY a man

was saying 

HEY they're RESPONDING to 

the giant CHIP you have on your SHOULDER 

which in fairness 

probably isn't 

WRONG 

BUT 

YOU have NO IDEA

HOW hard it is to KEEP men off you

EVEN when you are doing 

EVERYTHING you can

to NOT look

APPEALING 

&

I TOOK issue 

with this idea that she should

HAVE to

SMILE more

basically 

MAYBE 

I came off

LOOKING CRAZY 

BUT 

I said some sh*t about 

HOW

YEAH SURE 

some men will treat you like you're human

BUT 

SOMETHING about

IMPINGING (maybe) and how

EXHAUSTING 

it is to hold space for men

& she should take her OWN ADVICE 

ABOUT "unappealing behavior"

& SHUT UP 

HE

does a GOOD CARVEL 

---------------------------------------

he's WORKING in

SO MUCH

TK

I WISH I could 

REMEMBER 

what he did last year

-----------------------------------------

GAUNTLET 

seems to me

had to follow you last year

you'll make ALL the 

TOOTHPASTE 

----------------------------------

I inexplicably LOVE brackets

-------------------------------------------------

he's doing it in RHYME 

THAT an

HOMAGE

dude

WINE CHIPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GIVE me a BREAK 

on CAROLINA 

coming in

-------------------------------

WHAT'S to HATE

about

MICHIGAN 

it's a pretty good school 

OH 

STOP

----------------------------------------

NEEK CLIFFORD (?)

------------------------------------

VELERO texas open

allows you 

to go to

BOTH

-----------------------------------

I don't 

UNDERSTAND 

the quad thing

----------------------------

is he saying 

they

THREW

the GAME 

-----------------------------

Phil's mom

I remember Phil's mom 

I don't think she

KNOWS

MUCH

ABOUT basketball 

BAY-LOR

we don't NEED LIBERTY 

is he MEANING to be 

a CONDESCENDING *sshole

WHY

is he getting her bracket

HOW 

did this tradition start

she was Phil's mom 

Phil was-- I want to say--  a player?

am I right 

OR

is that a fiction 

I CREATED 

louiSville 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚🍀❤️

SEE

for me

I FIGURE 

SOME number

of unbelievable things

ARE TRUE

BUT 

it's probably 

NOT going to be 

a VERY large

NUMBER 

ya know 

edited

I WOKE up 

& my therapist had

JUST 

texted me

LIKE 

five minutes before 

RESCHEDULING 

EXCEPT 

NOT 

EXACTLY 

his thyroid doctor WANTED him to come in

for ANOTHER 

MRI

because he had some 

WEIRD result

COULD I 

come in Thursday 

OR

he could tell them he couldn't come in

WHAT 

I'm gonna SAY

YEAH f*CK your MRI buddy

you GET your happy *SS up here and listen to ME 

BUT 

I MEAN 

it is STARTING to FEEL like 

it MUST be a 

TEST

of SOME kind 

I MEAN 

my assessment of him is that that could not possibly be the case

BECAUSE 

I do not believe he thinks about it that 

DEEPLY 

or remembers my finer points

OR understands me

WELL enough 

BUT 

I GUESS 

I could WANT that for him

I mentioned that I didn't believe 

a much higher percentage 

of what he was

SAYING 

he was saying 

his family 

owned an island

in the caymans 

THIS 

I don't have trouble believing 

BUT 

he was telling me this STORY about 

PRINCE CHARLES 

on the last voyage of the Britannia 

or WHATEVER it was called

he got that right

MAYBE 

timing seemed wrong 

BUT maybe 

they JUST STOPPED by the island 

decided to PLAY for the DAY

did not CHECK 

with anybody 

FIRST

THEY

he & his sister 

we're on the bigger island 

decided they wanted to play too

SO

they rounded up three more twenty something 

young women and hit the island 

SECURITY SAID NO

they CALLED Charles and he said come on

THEY PARTIED 

with charles 

TOOK a BUNCH of ROLLS of FILM

AFTER being TOLD 

NOT to

& THEN we're OFFERED fifty thousand dollars for 

the ROLLS of FILM*

I MEAN, SURE 

I guess it's possible 

DO you HAVE any of those PICTURES 

I ask, I would REALLY like to SEE them

SOMEWHERE 

I find THIS 

ALMOST unbelievable 

it's NOT, really 

WHY do you need to 

KEEP up with

all your 

OLD

stuff

EXCEPT he's technically charging me 

to listen to THIS STORY 

SO

HOW 

does he not have a photo

ON HIS WALL 

I don't REALLY care 

I'm not sure 

WHY

he was telling me that STORY 

I sort of THINK it was 

CONNECTED

to his telling me about 

HOW 

he had dual citizenship and could therefore

ESCAPE 

if things get BAD

WHICH 

OF COURSE they WON'T and I'm just worrying 

UNNECESSARILY 

HE'S NOT 

WORRIED, but he'll be fine with all his money and resources which I do not have access to

BUT he doesn't have the decency to 

NOT 

I'm wondering if 

I'm doing 

therapy 

right

I FEEL like 

I'm making progress 

BUT 

I am not SURE 

WHY

I would FEEL like 

he's just making sh*t up

I MEAN 

I am pretty sure 

I'm not trying to undermine the process 

I guess it COULD be 

WEIRD 

transference 

or 

something 

BUT 

it FEELS 

JUST like

my NORMAL reading someone as making sh*t up

I just don't understand why he would be 

SO

it's distracting 

BECAUSE 

MAYBE 

my TRUSTING him

is IMPORTANT 

AND

if it's NOT 

then WHAT is he DOING 

I MEAN 

MAYBE I just need to be 

COMFORTABLE 

TALKING to 

him

*this is the edited part-- they said no they were keeping the film, and the security detail and charles were like fine no problem you just keep that film with charles partying with four twenty something young girls and a gay guy, what could possibly go wrong 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

🍀👾🫚🍀

the WAR

AGAINST 

blue

DYE

number one

is NOT LIMITED to 

YOUR 

toothpaste 

THAT

WAS

BEAUTIFUL 

WHAT is this WINE

TORR

HIGH FIVE

connective tissue baby

f*CKing

JULIA CHILD

OK

challenge accepted 

I have to do

POTATO chips 

& WINE

I'm thinking 

I had this

ROSe sangria 

at that place I used to go

it had a BIG sprig

of ROSEMARY 

MAYBE 

jalapeno chips

BUT 

THAT 

is NOT 

what she MEANT

SHE

MEANS 

with a WINE

you're DRINKING --  AS WINE 

I don't really ever 

JUST casually

CRACK open 

WINE

for

SOME

REASON 

my

GO

TO

is TEQUILA 

I have this FANCY bottle

of wine barrel aged

TEQUILA 

will THAT 

WORK

you're LOUD

you're LARGE

DON'T 

EVER

CHANGE 

THIS

is what it looked like

when my mom first took me

THIS

is what it looks like

NOW 

do you think 

I should 

BUY

a GUN

do you

THINK

it's gonna come 

to THAT 

there's a place

CLOSE to me

USED to be a bookstore 

had a *$ where I was assistant manager 

for one week

CLAIMS

to be the BIGGEST 

or maybe 

BEST

GUN

store

in the world

I took in 

NEWS

THAT 

was my 

REACTION 

WELL 

that was good

I LOVE egg custard 

there HAVE been times

I ate at the cafeteria and didn't get custard 

BUT 

NOT MANY 

I am not even TEMPTED by

the giant 

SLABS

of CAKE

I DON'T like

CREME BRULEE 

it's TOO RICH

& would probably 

still give me intestinal distress

I can't handle 

CREAM

although 

whipped cream is okay

in small amounts 

I don't really 

LIKE it

WHAT 

I would have gotten

if they HAD it

LIVER & onions

BUT 

I really like CABBAGE 

I forget HOW much

when I was a kid

I used to get

KUSHAW*

BUT 

nobody has that anymore 

SO

YELLOW SQUASH casserole 

*it's a squash that they cooked with something that made it almost like sweet potato sweetness, but the texture is lighter like a summer squash, although I'm pretty sure it's a gourd

I stopped at 

CLEBURNE cafeteria 

& got corned beef

for st. patrick's day

I was slightly 

sticker shocked

I did get an additional vegetable 

+ TEA

+ CUSTARD

= thirty six ten

BUT 

CLEBURNE cafeteria 

IS KINDA 

UPSCALE I guess

& corned beef is SPECIAL for the holiday

I didn't COME for the corned beef

SPECIFICALLY 

I just wanted cafeteria 

for the childhood 

VIBES

WELL 

I got my wires crossed 

I THOUGHT I was supposed to help Donna today 

I texted her and said 

I'm planning to be there between 11-11:15

& I THOUGHT 

THAT was her opportunity to say

NO no, not today 

if she didn't want to 

BUT 

my number doesn't have 

MY NAME 

attached to it

SO

she just thought

I was the person she had plans with today

SO

I painted some

& if I'm still here

when she finishes 

I said we could work some

BUT 

I have a headache now

SO

probably not 

shoulda ALREADY been

ASLEEP 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚🍀

ALSO 

I don't KNOW if 

I've ever adequately explained

BECAUSE 

it's NOT 

ENTIRELY clear to ME 

BUT 

it's SOMETHING 

LIKE 

the ME that

CLEANS

& the

ME

that WRITES

are NOT the SAME me

BUT --  NOT 

LIKE 

I'm libbi and that's betsee 

MORE like 

WHEN I'm doing THAT 

MY WORLD 

revolves around THAT 

& it's JARRING 

that it can't ever all be the SAME world

I'm trying to 

FIND

the WORLD 

I don't KNOW ever 

HOW much SENSE 

ANY of this makes 

TRYING to describe 

SUBJECTIVE INTERNAL landscapes

OH

I dreamed 

I was MIXING some special 

KIND of 

INK

I did

A LOT MORE 

CHORES

BUT 

I have a MAINTENANCE issue 

THAT 

CREATES URGENCY 

which

ALWAYS helps

I ALSO think that the pandemic LOCKDOWN 

BROKE my

whatever you call

the masking overlay that let's me

BE amongst 

the HUMANS 

&

THEN 

all the STUFF with my mom

DID

SOMETHING ELSE 

AND

so NOW 

I'm all LIKE 

WHEN did I GET LIKE THIS 

BUT 

I was NEVER like this

AND

there is a natural human tendency--  I think 

to think that NORMAL or RIGHT 

or WHATEVER 

should be CHECKED against LAST SAVED copy

BUT 

I'm not even sure that's what we do, ever

I LOVE you 

I'm sorry I haven't been talking as much

I FEEL like 

EVEN with the added URGENCY 

I MAYBE worked myself around 

I THOUGHT 

ABOUT 

what I WANTED to do 

WHY

I WANTED to do it 

I KINDA 

moved between projects

I'm pleased with the amount of stuff I got done 

BUT 

EVEN though my MIND does WANDER

I don't REMEMBER what I thought about 

CHORES

don't really SPARK 

MUCH creativity 

OR

DEEP thought

BUT 

in fairness 

that thing about my brain WAS

pretty DEEP and COMPLEX thinking 

SO WHAT am I on about 

🤔🧐🤨

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I'm sorry I didn't talk more🫶

BUT 

I did do some chores

SO

I'm pretty proud of myself 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart ❤️

👾🫚🍀

one of thirty one of three

Dan Bern is a 

NATIONAL TREASURE 

POTATO chips 

AT

the WATERGATE 

giant FLEMISH rabbits 

GLUCK stanning 

I went BACK 

and listened to him 

SAY

we could 

NOT 

love db 

any MORE 

than we do 

AGAIN 

this is too chocolate heavy for me

& I probably am not

ordering donuts 

PROBABLY 

BUT 

I've been low key unable to stop

THINKING about donuts

SO

I was just looking them up

& I saw this

& IF I was picking you a surprise donut

THIS is what I'd 

PICK for YOU

good morning sweetheart

EVEN though 

it's not really morning 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 💋

SLEEP 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚🍀❤️

TODAY 

was a strange day for me 

I was distracted 

unable to 

ENGAGE 

I have this daydream about a little bed

that tucks into

SOMETHING 

I'm not describing that well

& truthfully 

I'm not 

ENTIRELY sure what I mean 

OR

it's a cloud

AROUND a concept 

SO

I've got THAT daydream 

BUT 

I've ALSO got

that SERVICE station 

IDEA

AND

they COLLIDED 

there were a limited number of photographs

AND 

I've got questions 

BUT 

I had a headache again 

BUT 

was out doing stuff 

& that's not

my favorite 

I was a little blurry

my mom was irritating me 

I was just a little 

OFF-sync

NOT 

a

BIG 

deal

WHAT kind of name is

ROBERTA 

FACEPLANT

faceplant

FACE

PLANT

I dunno 

I KINDA LIKE it 

we cannot love db any more than we do

this one dried nice

NOT saying it's finished 

I'm sorry I didn't talk much 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

I'm gonna sleep some 🫶

👾🫚🍀❤️

I posted a comment 

on a post on Facebook 

on an autistic 

INFLUENCER I follow 

she was asking 

WHY

allistic people don't want CONTEXT when there's a PROBLEM 

they just say:

WHY are you MAKING EXCUSES 

&

I responded with a comment about 

a conversation I had with a boss

in the PAST 

&

I FINISHED the COMMENT with

they just want some version of 

SORRY it will NEVER happen again 

they don't 

CARE about your CONTEXT 

ONLY themselves 

&

EVER since I WROTE it 

I thought 

WOW

THAT'S TOO HARSH 

you are gonna get

HATE for THAT

BUT 

NO

MULTIPLE people 

WHO DON'T KNOW ME

have LIKED it 

& commented indicating that they AGREE

SO MUCH THIS

& I'm feeling SOME kinda WAY

ABOUT that

BUT 

I'm not even sure what way that is

good morning sweetheart 💋 

I hope you have a beautiful day 🫶

I had FUN 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚🍀❤️

FUNYUNS

is that how you spell it

we're so unbelievably bad to me

when I was a kid

I liked those PRINGLES

BUT 

THEN

VERY SOLIDLY 

ruffles have ridges

MOVING 

into

CHEETOS 

BUT 

I don't eat that type of food

MUCH

NOW 

I would eat popcorn

CHEESE CORN

or that

CHICAGO blend

if I've got

a certain type of hankerin 

NACHOS with corn chips

BUT 

I've been KINDA remembering 

FUNYUNS and

chuckling to myself all day

in fairness to funyuns 

I THINK they are a

CONCEPTUAL mashup

BETWEEN 

an ONION ring & a PORK rind

THAT

is the ICK 

FACTOR for ME 

I don't know what 

this headache is about 

did whatever 

HAPPENED 

in therapy 

CAUSE 

it

the percentage of things he said

that I don't believe 

was high

BUT 

the stuff he was saying to me

I could understand his

INTENT

BUT 

his WORDS didn't make any sense 

I don't know 

I have this SENSE that

WHENEVER

my brain has to PROCESS whether I know it or not

it just SHUTS me DOWN 

I was TELLING him

ABOUT being

COMPLETELY INSIDE of myself 

& SLEEPING 

KNOWING that I was WORKING through STUFF 

in my DREAMS 

I MEAN 

all the stuff I've been telling you 

BUT 

I was KINDA centering 

AROUND the CIM moment 

LIKE 

if that is my KINDA breakthrough moment

I was saying that I wasn't sure how much of it was

ME working on myself MENTALLY 

ONE WAY or ANOTHER 

OR

HOW much of it was due to the ANTI-anxiety

PROTOCOL 

SUPER B complex methylated, liposomal theanine with gaba and magnesium, oh, plus the adaptogen surfer coffee-- now with maca

he's LIKE 

YOU really WORK

MOST people just sit BACK

& THEN he wasn't making any sense 

BUT 

I FEEL like 

the BOX thing

was a DIFFERENT part of the conversation 

I STOPPED him

ASKED for 

CLARIFICATION on the BOX

he said things

it made no sense 

NOT enough for me to remember anything 

NOTHING caught

WEIRD, huh

ANYWAY 

I walked over to the tamashi

I walked in

& the busser asks me if I want tea

which is what I get

& he remembers 

EVEN though 

I haven't 

BEEN 

there

for

MONTHS and months 

MAYBE like a year

MAYBE 

I ENJOY that

FEELING 

being regular enough to be recognized 

I got the same thing

& as I'm picking up single peanuts

with chopsticks 

I think 

you're pretty good with those things 

& I'm LIKE 

I've been DOING it for FIFTY f*CKing years

& I'm LIKE

HAVE you

YES

since I was eight years old

BILL 

taught you

YOU 

weren't gonna EAT chinese food with a FORK

& HE wanted you to LIKE chinese food

he took you to

I can't remember the name-- maybe it will come 

on the edge of

right over where george r. brown is

there seemed to be

more or less

RAW sewage SMELL like the sewer was broken 

& the inside was

HE SAID 

decorated like a Mexican bus station 

WHICH I 

didn't REALLY understand 

BUT seemed plausible 

I took the VIBE to be 

a small space

arranged 

SOMEWHAT 

haphazardly 

with

sturdy functional items

NOT chosen for BEAUTY 

I don't recall there BEING any possible

MEXICAN elements

BUT 

the tables MAY have had BEER logos

they were THAT TYPE of table

I think I liked

MU GU guy pan

FIRST

happy anniversary 

🫶

PERSONALLY 

I think that Dan Bern guy

is the BEST part of

the TK show

BUT 

I NEVER eat potato chips with wine

country classic or not

BUT 

if you were going to do such a pairing

MAYBE 

RIESLING 

so you get that

SALTY/SUPER SWEET 

ACTION going on

ALSO

Michael had said something 

about the wine harvest

with beaujolais 

which, if that's right, means 

it's beaujolais NOUVEAU 

WHICH 

is a TOTALLY different thing

THAT might be really good with 

POTATO chips 

I find it almost undrinkable 

like slightly alcoholic 

GRAPE juice 

missing EVERYTHING 

that I like about 

WINE

BUT 

my aunt joan 

told me about it when I was a kid

LIKE it was a big deal

& she drank

HARD liquor 

in relatively LARGE quantities 

& NEVER drank 

WINE

FUN SONG!

FANTASTIC 

GENIUS

he got all the FACTS RIGHT 

he went DEEP

IMPRESSIVE 

well

my headache is 

going strong 

BUT 

I might be getting sick

OR

I might just be

achy from thirteen hours of sleep

fully suffering from allergies 

& hungry from thirteen hours of sleep 

& feeling nauseated 

from hunger

dunno

I was supposed to go to donna's again today 

BUT I dunno

Imma have some coffee

& oatcakes 

& maybe tylenol or something 

though I hate to break my

four months streak 

of NO aspirin/tylenol/ibuprofen 

I just want to go back to bed

my therapist said 

a BUNCH of 

STUFF 

that didn't make sense to me 

SOMETHING about a BOX

BUT 

he SEEMED to be saying 

SOMETHING 

LIKE 

I was doing good work 

OR 

he was very impressed 

OR

SOMETHING 

it just didn't make

SENSE

I had a headache 

when I got done 

& I went to tamashi

& got that Indonesian thing I like

BUT 

still had a headache 

SO

I came home and went to sleep

I'm going back to sleep 

I started this

BEFORE I went to sleep 

& I'm finishing it

NOW 

BEFORE 

going BACK to sleep

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

I'm sorry I'm not saying much

goodnight sweetheart 🫶 

👾🫚🍀⏳🧭❤️

HEY SORRY 

I did the potentially interesting thing 

& it was okay 

I LIKE donna 

I condensed her gardening pots

by sorting & stacking 

them so that they

would FIT into

the smallest 

amount of 

SPACE

TWO

TOTES

into ONE

WORKOUT 

equipment in the now empty tote

THAT sort of thing 

I organized her pantry

she offered me something 

& I'm LIKE 

I will have a cup of coffee 

if you have it, BUT 

ONLY if you 

have SOME kind of milk

she's LIKE 

I've got milk POWDER 

I'm LIKE 

I can work with that

she started mixing it up

which I hadn't expected 

& I'm LIKE 

did you use warm water, it might dissolve better

& she blended it

in her nutra bullet thingy

& it had legit

FOAM

I really enjoyed it 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

I'm gonna try to sleep 🫶

👾🫚🍀⏳🧭❤️

that chinaski painting 

REALLY captures

a SPARK

&

the pink and orange juxtaposed 

REALLY WORKS

for ME 

I've had the most bizarre musical assortment 

in my HEAD 

last night

NO, it probably wasn't 

NIGHT 

right before I slept last

I had jingle bells 

with this ADDED sound

which made it more like

JINGL bel eh ehllls

just NOW I had the

HURDY GURDY

from for the benefit of mr kite

I THINK we 

KNOW 

NOW 

what CHATTER 

was missing 

I'm not sure 

WHO

threw down the gauntlet 

& I am not sure 

POTATO chips 

& WINE

is worth a song

the salmon was

UNDERcooked

& I was in the bathroom all night

that's the quote 

I, personally 

would take Michael up

on his kind offer

of Chardonnay 

I DOUBT 

the beaujolais will be good with salmon

NOT because I have tried it 

BUT 

because 

as I recall, and it's been a while 

BUT 

I'm pretty sure 

it's light bodied and sweet

ALSO 

for wine that is good enough for the socialite

price doesn't matter

get something 

91 point rated or better

BUT 

what about bourbon 

that's great with

SALMON

doesn't he drink johnny walker blue

or is that somebody else 

the monkey?

it's in the

ZOO song

BUT I assumed, perhaps incorrectly, that

it was mentioned because of 

show salience

or something 

TODAY 

was also KINDA scattered 

TIME

was a theme

I just took a shower 

because I have 

had

SHOCKINGLY BAD

hygiene 

this week 

AND

the hot water has been off multiple times 

SO

I didn't want to 

RISK it

I've ALREADY done 

the mitigating STUFF 

face wipes

the tea tree stuff I use for deep cleaning my FACE

POWDER 

done all that for days

I'm 

ABSOLUTELY certain 

I STINK

& I meant to shower earlier 

I'm not sure 

WHAT 

to think about all THAT 

I've been THINKING 

SEEMS like a 

POOR 

answer

I've been thinking about 

NOT 

WHAT happens NEXT 

at the #5 Munchee

PRETTY SURE 

the fifth time I see it NEEDS to be

in a DREAM 

BUT 

DESCRIBING the TENDER 

I'm trying to SEE it?  them?  hir?

does zhora phase through a solid phase

can shu pick up things

HOW little

INFORMATION 

can I get away with NOT GIVING 

ABOUT 

HOW

partially ai 

& partially an UPlifted VINE

SPIRIT 

of the earth -- hallucinogenic vegetal mother

AND

while I KINDA believe 

I should KNOW all the backstory 

I don't REALLY care 

EXACTLY WHAT 

the STORY is 

I'm MORE interested in 

KINDA feeling it out

&

once I figure out what's actually gonna work 

go back 

figure it out

I am having some uncertainty ABOUT the seriousness of animated VINE

I thought maybe 

I'd just go in

& SEE

rather than

TELLING myself 

ANYWAY 

I was having some trouble 

TALKING 

now I seem to be

BUT 

I need to go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋🫶❤️

👾🫚🍀⏳time🧭

I'm gonna sleep a little 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

I've been thinking 

BACK 

I've changed some

I feel like maybe 

my personality has changed 

is that right 

OR

is that some weird effect I'm feeling now

& HOW much change 

would continue 

personality 

change

DO I

EVEN 

KNOW 

what I'm talking about 

goodnight sweetheart 🫶 

👾🫚🍀❤️

I'm not sure how to

EXPLAIN today 

I slept 

LATE 

& I felt good about it 

LIKE 

of course 

after the outside staying out

I MIGHT NEED 

some EXTRA sleep 

I had a lot of thoughts

somewhat whistful-- I WANT to SAY because it felt whistful-- BUT THAT is NOT what whistful MEANS 

I don't know if I managed to remain happy 

I'm not sure I was overtly happy 

I wanted to say something 

to a canadian 

I'm not sure 

WHY

I'm just feeling it

I LIKE Canada

I quite frequently like someone for their qualities 

& then find out they're Canadian 

& I'm not saying they're the

ONLY people who 

america might want to apologize to 

BUT 

I LIKE their FIGHT

WELL 

some of the bunker was interacting 

& I got to SAY a THING 

I WANTED to SAY 

& I FEEL BETTER 

& the response made me happy 

I GUESS 

I the response I GET back 

TELLS me

if I got the message across 

BUT 

she said:

elbows up sis!!!

& it made me feel

LIKE 

we were in it together, somehow 

which IS what I had wanted to convey

america is 

SO MANY things 

BUT we are

a little 

MUCH 

at the best of times 

which THIS is NOT 

I am very grateful to you 

for creating that

it has real world good associated

not just my feelings 

& I know

it's hard to understand 

my reticence 

to meet them in person 

I have been thinking about 

all the THINGS that I seem to not be able to HANDLE 

&

I BET it seems strange to you

I can see how it's strange 

BUT NOT 

HOW 

I SHOULD SEE the WORLD 

I GUESS is what I want to SAY

I FEEL 

SAFER in a WAY I can't EXPLAIN 

BECAUSE you LOVE me 

that painting 

is so beautiful and

such expressive eyes

and lips

do I need to explain which painting I mean

AND

then sometimes 

I just stop

& think

of something, some interpretation 

that says something bad

& I start to freak out

a little 

BUT 

THEN

I say 

NO

he just loves me

he doesn't 

hate me too

THIS 

whole train here

it's LIKE 

WHY

is she going down these negative tracks

I think this is what I'm talking about 

WHISTFUL 

sort of negative or worrisome or potentially 

PROBLEMATIC 

these thoughts

they keep

KINDA

floating through like those wispy little clouds 

NOT DARK

NOT VOLUMINOUS 

it's got a slightly 

MELANCHOLIC edge

BUT 

it's all light

ANYWAY

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚🍀❤️

I should 

PROBABLY 

SLEEP 

I feel different 

BUT 

I THINK 

that's GOOD 

I think 

I'm a little silly too

cause I want to say

I'm really 

into

you

BUT 

that seems 

unserious, and maybe not in a good way

BUT 

it's more of that

bee's knees 

business

HONEY 

I'm not gonna listen to the new one

I had something going today 

& I've lost the thread

of it

it was

SOMETHING 

about being completely 

INSIDE myself 

MAYBE 

OH

ALSO

something to do with 

what you get

what you 

put out

coming back to you

& the IDEA 

the CONCEPT 

of STORY

THAT

contributed

to my MOOD

& I was thinking about 

seeing him on Myspace 

HOW LONG AGO 

& wondering

ABOUT 

STUFF 

& SO CHARMED

by trolling

CANADIANS

I don't KNOW what to tell MYSELF in the deBRIEF

it was LIKE 

OKAY 

when I went to that conference in colorado 

I was standing OUTSIDE in shirtsleeves

AND the COLD

WAS

OUTSIDE 

usually the cold gets into my joints

since I was a kid

I'd be rubbing

on my hands

to unclaw them so I could write with my big pencil on my big chief pad

it was LIKE 

THAT

with everything 

I am out of 

TOUCH

I KNOW college

is MORE professional 

BUT 

I don't think

I personally know many kids

who wouldn't 

THINK

they'd 

have MORE FUN in the bigs

ten or twenty million 

MIGHT not be 

"A LOT"

BUT 

I MEAN 

it's MORE than

ZERO

I need to go to sleep 

I keep thinking 

about kissing in enclosed spaces

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚🍀❤️

piece out of context

ALREADY in progress...

What's your name?

Zhora.

Is that a male or female name?

Oh, you can keep every bit of that gender stuff you humans are so fond of.

edited

The fourth time I saw the #5 Munchee it was night. 

I stood outside looking in.  

There was this buzzy hum.  

It made me think about, right out of high school, Alabama Theater.  The pink neon stairway to balcony--  

shockingly, mesmerizingly 

LOUD.

The third time I saw the #5 Munchee I was walking up from across the street.  I noticed the sign.  Surely I had noticed it before.  A tri-color ribbon-- yellow, orange, and chrome-- arc-ing across it's side and face.  It felt like a ghost from the 70s burning crisp & brite in phosphorescent time slip.  

When I looked in, and through, I thought I knew what had caused the facet effect.  It was some kind of automat.  

Glass boxes.

Inside of glass boxes.

It was giving ESCHER.

SUDDENLY I felt dizzy.  I didn't go in.

edited

The second time I saw the #5 Munchee I was in a car.  In the rapid approach, there was an effect of the light that had something of the flash of diamond facets about it.  What was that about?  Also, what is a Munchee anyway, and how many of them should I be looking to find-- like: are there five of them, or is that an homage to No.5 the painting by Demuth.  Like: that's not a connection a normal person would make-- symbolic portrait of William Carlos Williams.

Among the rain
and lights
I saw the figure 5
in gold
on a red
firetruck
moving
tense
unheeded
to gong clangs
siren howls
and wheels rumbling
through the dark city

(W.C.W.)

WHATEVER-- I need to know more about this weird place.

ALSO

the g*ddam oat cakes

the company 

doesn't ship

INTERNATIONALLY 

BUT 

I found one online store

that has the smallest

packet unit

SO

MAYBE 

BRITISH ISLES

can order it for me

I FOUND this

SHOP

IN ORKNEY that has

OATCAKES 

BUT 

ALSO

ORKNEY MATURE CHEDDAR

I haven't had orkney specifically 

BUT 

be still my heart-- mature cheddar 

AND

smoked salmon

& I was LIKE 

SIGN

ME

UP

but they don't do international shipping either 

I might have wept

I mean I didn't 

BUT 

I really wanted them to ship to me

CAT

is going to the vet

in the morning 

is WHY 

I'm trying to go to sleep 

SO 

EARLY 

he needs shots 

& MAYBE 

blood work 

not sure if it really NEEDS to be 

BUT it might be good 

to KNOW 

he seems better 

hasn't been THAT long 

he's been really nice 

BUT 

NOT in a WAY 

that SPECIFICALLY makes me think he's dying 

OH

and the STOCKIST question 

is NOT because 

I'm planning 

to become

a CHLORELLA merchant 

ALTHOUGH 🤨🧐🤔

it's just 

SOMETIMES 

it's LIKE tell me the name of your business and buy at least three hundred dollars 

BULK CHLORELLA 

I KINDA

RESENT

BEZOS

f*CKing my international food network for me

I was perfectly happy to let him

BE a rich *ssh_le

CLEAN up 

I LIKE his product

THEN

he HAD to make it

IMPOSSIBLE 

to LOOK the

OTHER 

WAY

SLEEP 

I ALSO 

contacted the australian chlorella company 

I TOLD them

I'd been buying their product 

from AMAZON 

BUT 

I didn't want to do

BUSINESS 

with them anymore, so I come to your website 

& it's TWICE the price

SO

my QUESTIONS are 

is this ACTUALLY your product 

AND

if I buy it in this quantity 

is there some discount structure 

which gets me

NEAR that PRICE 

I SPECIFICALLY WANT their product 

& I TOLD them SO

it IS their product 

& they can ONLY do 

fifteen percent 

I was afraid of that 

they're selling it 

WHOLESALE 

on Amazon

to get

VOLUME SALES

SO

NEXT QUESTION will be 

WHAT

are your STOCKIST requirements 

I gotta go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

goodnight 🫶 

👾🫚🍀❤️

AND

FOR the RECORD 

it is NOT LOST on me

that

I, as well, do not with the subject/title line

I can even

if I TRY REAL HARD

HEAR myself SAYING SOMETHING like that 

OH

I guess 

if he's only used email

in a work environment, then his emails are

ALWAYS going 

to people 

who

KNOW 

WHO that's 

FROM 

OK

MAYBE 

I can't 

FOCUS 

WHY

did he email her

WHY

didn't he WRITE her a LETTER 

THEN 

if it was a meaningful thing to have

SHE would HAVE it

she could have chosen her reply format

& if she didn't, maybe it was a delay in sorting 

ya KNOW like when

NIGEL gets 

STUFF 

LATE

BUT 

if he wasn't going to SEND it

in a WAY

where there was

ANY LIKELIHOOD 

of it 

BEING

RECEIVED 

& THEN 

being slightly 

BUTT hurt

about not getting a response 

I HAVE NO response 

although, apparently, I cannot SHUT up 

OK

he sent a random email 

with

NO SUBJECT LINE

I wouldn't 

OPEN 

THAT

oh I don't LIKE subject lines

🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

I just watched 

SOMETHING 

I watched hakeem jeffries 

& I FEEL bad

ABOUT it

BUT 

I WISH 

he was a little 

MORE

ANIMATED

I FEEL his

CALM

& also the gravitas

or whatever

BUT 

I can't help it

THEN

katherine clark was up

& I realized that 

I KNOW 

LESS

than I REALIZED 

I don't EVEN really know anything 

ABOUT 

the WHIP position 

they orchestrate the vote, right

KEEP track

MOTIVATE

BUT 

I'm not sure how accurate any of that is, and regardless, I never heard her name before 

SHE

started off a little nerdy SOMEHOW like maybe just not super smooth, IDK, it's just impression 

THEN

I'm LIKE 

NO

THEY are WORKING an ANGLE 

GOOD 

I feel like 

MAYBE 

I shouldn't have 

told you all that

MAYBE 

it's out of step

& awkward 

I hope not

I listened to

as a man

thinketh

I can see

why it was

DIFFICULT at ten

it's KINDA 

like LAW

of attraction 

KINDA

BUT 

with all this REALLY 

SQUARE 

I MEAN

I ALMOST 

want to say-- hygiene 

element

I ALSO found it

VERY aggressively 

MASCULINE 

BUT 

I'm fairly certain 

I absorbed 

it probably through conversations with him

there are not small jobs

only small people 

has a SIMILAR vibe

& I remember 

him saying 

THAT

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

something about the

VISUAL weight

BALANCE

in that

picture

ALWAYS makes me fixate

that's maybe awkward 

just last night

I was thinking about 

juliana hatfield 

five minutes 

in the closet with you

🫶👾🫚🍀🫶

I'm trying to 

KEEP 

my

VIBRATION 

in kind of a range

& I'm doing good 

OVERALL 

I'm trying to hold space

for something 

that I'm trying not to think of as 

DEUS ex MACHINA

it's been a day 

I'm tired 

I didn't watch 

I'm glad I didn't watch 

I was talking to 

my therapist about it

I was saying 

I'd heard

some

INTERESTING suggestions 

for what

DEMOCRATS should do 

for PROTEST

I had heard

don't go

take a fired constituent*

*although, do they get that many guests

at the end, stand and recite the oath of office 

UNTIL you get ARRESTED 

HE starts TELLING me 

they CAN'T do

ONE or

THREE because it would be DISRESPECTFUL 

to the OFFICE of the president 

I GUESS 

I'm talking about politics 

in therapy 

BECAUSE 

I want to SEE 

HOW 

HE'S handling this

BUT 

he's TIRED of it 

ALL

his patients are talking about politics 

ELIE

said they looked like

they were at an

AUCTION 

BIDDING for FASCISM

I can't 

UNsee it

SO

in therapy today 

my big

AH HA

MOMENT 

AMERICA 

LOVES

CON men

THAT is MAYBE 

OUR BIG THING

PT BARNUM et al 

I NEVER really thought of it like that 

BUT 

I'm NOT wrong 

I don't mean this

to be

DISCOURAGING 

I feel like 

the ANSWER is in there

SOMEWHERE 

The first time I saw the #5 Munchee it was from a slight elevation a couple streets away, and I was like: is that some kinda weird apple store-- because it was a glass box.

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚🍀❤️

I'm gonna try to sleep a little 

I have to read

AS a MAN THINKETH

I'm 

REMEMBERING 

my father 

gave

that

to me when I went to live with my mom 

I KINDA read it

BUT 

I didn't really get it

&

I REMEMBER when he asked me about it

I SAID 

I think I'm too young to understand it 

I had

FORGOTTEN 

I don't know if it is important or not

BUT 

I'm remembering about it now 

OK

the wise ass

with the

DELIVERY explanation 

has pretty much

DETERMINED 

I will

ONE DAY

email the TK show

I can't say 

WHEN

OH NO

la CHEESERIE

OK

should I WORRY 

when I start

AGREEING 

with 

WILBON

it's the

ONLY thing 

I cannot 

BLAME 

EM for

I'm not sure how

COHERENT 

that was

I'm off a little today 

I think 

donna from the studios 

mentioned that she

wanted help

ORGANIZING

her live/work space

I have this

REPUTATION for

ORGANIZATION 

which feels undeserved

as I sit here in my 

APARTMENT 

BUT 

she wanted help

& I LIKE 

Donna

I'm like, SURE I can help you with that

she's LIKE 

& I'll pay you of course 

& I'm LIKE 

well, that probably isn't necessary 

& she's LIKE 

well, I think it is 

BUT 

I didn't get a sense 

that this was

LIKE 

IMMANENT 

AND

I missed her email yesterday 

& didn't respond back

until this AFTERNOON 

SO

ANYWAY 

NEXT monday 

SOMETHING potentially 

INTERESTING 

may

happen

I'm NOT wanting 

to be

telling you 

to restrain yourself 

I KNOW I'm 

in a certain sense 

FRAGILE 

BUT 

I don't want that 

to negatively 

affect

YOU 

I don't know how things are GONNA go

I am KINDA 

a STRANGE mix

of LOGIC

& intuition

AND

I SEEM to 

THINK I'm gonna 

FEEL my WAY

while possibly having to restrain the 

CONSTANT ANALYSIS 

BUT 

I'm not saying 

I KNOW 

anything 

I just took the david lynch thing as

HARDCORE 

S!GN

BUT 

that MIGHT 

JUST 

mean that I am, in fact, crazy

& I'm trying 

PERSONALLY 

to 

MAINTAIN 

goodnight sweetheart 💋

I LOVE you VERY 🫶

👾🫚🍀❤️

I LOVE

ROBOTS

EVERYWHERE 

L❤️VE

L❤️VE

L❤️VE

OH

& GENIUS

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

there's a BUNCH of 

FEELS going on

with me

LIKE 

there's a WAY 

in which I'm having to do 

for MYSELF 

what I did

I GUESS 

also about myself, but in relation to you

I'm saying 

I BELIEVE in 

MYSELF and the PROCESS of

my understanding of the unfolding of events

i have a ROMANTICALLY mystical

OUTLOOK, I guess

I have doubts

insecurities

WHATNOT 

BUT 

I don't SEE 

HOW 

giving in to them improves anything 

SOMETIMES 

it's not 

EVERYTHING 

EVERYWHERE 

SOMETIMES 

it's not 

if the #5 Munchee

is a CONSTRUCTION in my HEAD 

THEN

I am MAKING UP my own

ANSWERS 

WHY

do I HAVE the

EXTERNAL 

character 

it's 

SUPER important to 

the CONCEPT 

I think 

THAT'S 

IMPORTANT but I'm not sure why

I have this DESIRE to 

CONNECT with this CONCEPTUAL

LIKE 

my long-term interest 

which has NEVER quite LED to 

TAKING hallucinations 

ALL THAT 

is tied up in the concept of the vegetal mother as the one who looks into you and tells you what you need to do to fix yourself 

AND

I want to turn that CONCEPT 

into

the EMPATHY machine

from

DO ANROIDS dream

BUT 

I ALSO

WANT this CREATURE 

to be COMPANIONABLE  & funny

SO NOT SCARY 

& HOW 

CREATING the character 

HOW to describe 

SOMETHING 

that is

IMAGINED

as IMAGINARY 

FEELS

LIKE a HARD assignment 

BUT 

I'm the one who came up with it

WHY

am I SO drawn to this IDEA

I've ALSO been

DREAMING 

I can't 

REMEMBER 

WHAT 

BUT 

I have this 

SENSE

when I WAKE up 

that

STUFF is

GOING 

ON

I'm processing or problem solving or something 

& I'm WAKING up 

in a GOOD mood 

& it's LIKE 

I would 

REALLY 

LIKE 

to KNOW 

WHAT 

ALSO

when desert essence has their

thirty percent off 

SALE

I buy

the next six months or so

SUPPLY 

& I've just done that

BUT 

I had to buy toothpaste 

at the grocery 

& they didn't have the kind I buy

SO

I tried a different flavor 

& THIS time

I ordered

the NEW flavor

it's 

MINTY-er

& I LIKE the ingredients list

MAYBE 

it's just TRENDY 

PRE

PRO

& POST

BIOTICS

BUT 

it FEELS CLEANer

I thought I had listened to all the TKs

BUT 

I just checked 

& I have

ONE

I haven't listened to 

I STARTED 

BUT 

that kid's email

DISTRACTED me

& NOW 

I can't concentrate 

I have my perspectives 

BUT 

I've been going through a THING 

MAYBE 

it's LIKE 

a snowball effect 

& it's catching my attention now

what if my perspective is 

NOT 

WHAT if

BECAUSE 

it's NOT so MUCH 

I WANT to TALK 

I don't know 

there's a missing piece 

it's not that I

WANT 

EVERY body LOOKing at me

WHY

DO I FEEL like 

I'm SUPPOSED to 

is THAT 

SANE

I watched

COMPLETE UNKNOWN 

&

I found it 

SOMEWHAT

disturbing

it's 

BRINGING 

STUFF

UP

is THAT 

WEIRD 

I mean it seemed to me like everyone loved it

I wasn't expecting anything 

CHALLENGING 

it's LIKE 

you're 

NOT 

SEEing it FROM his PERSPECTIVE 

I didn't get THAT at FIRST 

BUT 

the LACK allows you to 

FILL in

AND

I had trouble with that 

NOW 

MAYBE 

their take on it was

there's no there there

I would say

the whole carnival angle

I MEAN 

I don't find it hard to

BELIEVE 

that he worked at a carnival 

BUT 

in the film it is repeatedly treated as

SOME SORT of shorthand

for his 

ENIGMA machine*

*this is me using shorthand.  I describe it more wordily as melting himself into something and pulling himself back into his own form, now including that

SO

then I'm 

CONFLICTED

is he a person who uses people up

& spits them out

is he a person who was inspired by

a person, or a movement

who then got caught up 

in the workings

& priorities 

& HAD to BREAK FREE

is this an

INDIVIDUATION issue

I FOUND myself 

ARGUING 

BOTH 

SIDES

BUT 

I did find

it was harder to argue

BECAUSE 

it was NEVER clear to me

WHAT

he cared about

AND

THAT FELT like 

a DELIBERATE CHOICE 

LIKE 

MAYBE he was just

DRIVEN

OR

MAYBE 

he just wanted to do his thing

& EVERYONE could SEE 

HOW GREAT

he was

& JUST wanted to glom onto him

& they were

SMOTHERING him

it left me

WONDERING 

HOW 

I FEEL about ALL that STUFF 

BUT 

SOME of THIS 

is already 

KINDA

uncomfortable ground 

AND 

I'm KINDA old-school 

I believe that

ART--  to some degree--  has it's own life

there's a LINE-- of course 

BUT 

I don't have to 

DECIDE 

do I THINK 

blah blah = whether or not I can

think his music is or has blah blah

this was a philosophical view point that was

under scrutiny when I was in college 

& I think is largely

swung the other way

BUT 

I LARGELY feel

ART CHANNELS THROUGH 

MAYBE 

it's a ROMANTIC 

NOTION

or a mysticism 

goodnight sweetheart 💋

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚🍀❤️

it's been a 

WEIRD 

DAY

BUT 

I just cycled through this AGAIN 

& I WANTED to 

RECORD it

I have had

a REMARKABLE life

NOT all that

NORMAL

I THINK 

& ANYWAY 

EVEN if

OBJECTIVELY 

it's COMPLETELY 

UNremarkable 

& EVEN if I am unable to do this for some individual EVENTS 

I AM

GRATEFUL for my LIFE 

I keep thinking about something my gran gran used to tell me her father--  Ruthie the world is going to the dogs.  She was born in 1915.

She never told me what specifically what he was referring to, and it never seemed necessary.

I'm sorry 

I guess I passed out again

I'm trying to think

HOW to 

DO

a kind of substack

that is talking about 

my relationship with america 

THROUGH 

my personal 

NOT 

LIKE 

what everybody else is doing

& NOT what I'm doing 

HERE

BUT 

SOMETHING USEFUL 

I'm having some trouble 

I'm almost out of battery 

& my attention is 

not sticking 

with TK

I'm gonna plug in the phone

& THINK a bit

OK

TK

let me TELL you about

f*CKing PAPER

when I was an assistant manager 

at the bookstore 

you still used the manual 

IMPRINTER

for credit cards

& then

you packed em up

SAFE and SOUND and MAILED them to

the CREDIT CARD company 

AND

sometimes they'd get 

LOST or DAMAGED in the MAIL 

& THEN 

MONTHS later

you'd have to FIND all the little

DUPLICATE COPY sheets

& f*CKing TAPE them

to the rigid back page

& 

SEND those through 

HOPING they had BETTER LUCK

because there was NO try again AGAIN 

NOW

you RUN CLOSE BATCH