I'm not getting over it well this time
Thursday, February 14, 2019
Wednesday, February 13, 2019
so
i'm home sick
yesterday and today
although i was off today
so maybe it doesn't really count as a sick day
i don't know what's wrong with me
but
i suspect
hormones
and
depression
whatever
i'm in a serious FOG
and my head hurts really bad
my nose is intermittently just running like a fucking faucet
i was having an issue
for which i would normally just take several peptos and go in anyway
but
my guts hurt so bad
i was afraid keeping things in
might not be a good idea
see
is that any kind of normal sickness
no
it seems much more like hormones, doesn't it
i had a dream
that i thought might be a good sign
i was working
i'm not exactly sure where
but i just kinda wandered in
and said
i just remembered
i should take the deposit to the bank
there are thousands of dollars just sitting there
and outside
on a tree out front
there was a note about who the manager was
but it was like two ago
and a phone list
and i'm like
someone take this down
we don't want everyone's number just out here for everyone to see
not really sure what all that means
but there wasn't any stress
and i seemed in charge of things
i'm home sick
yesterday and today
although i was off today
so maybe it doesn't really count as a sick day
i don't know what's wrong with me
but
i suspect
hormones
and
depression
whatever
i'm in a serious FOG
and my head hurts really bad
my nose is intermittently just running like a fucking faucet
i was having an issue
for which i would normally just take several peptos and go in anyway
but
my guts hurt so bad
i was afraid keeping things in
might not be a good idea
see
is that any kind of normal sickness
no
it seems much more like hormones, doesn't it
i had a dream
that i thought might be a good sign
i was working
i'm not exactly sure where
but i just kinda wandered in
and said
i just remembered
i should take the deposit to the bank
there are thousands of dollars just sitting there
and outside
on a tree out front
there was a note about who the manager was
but it was like two ago
and a phone list
and i'm like
someone take this down
we don't want everyone's number just out here for everyone to see
not really sure what all that means
but there wasn't any stress
and i seemed in charge of things
Tuesday, February 12, 2019
Monday, February 11, 2019
dippin dye in high school
this is probably not the thing
but
i just had to write this first
i've been seeing all this black face news
which, at first i thought, that has to have been like the early 60s
but no
it was like when i was in high school
and i just cannot imagine what would have happened
if someone had shown up for halloween in black face
maybe they would have been expelled
or given detention
but
at the very least they would have been sent home with a good talking to
probably by mr anderson
the vice principal
who was black
and probably could have done a better job of driving home the point
idk
i literally cannot imagine it happening
the fact that it was glorified with a picture in a college year book
(i'm not sure i knew they even had college yearbooks)
blows my mind beyond beyond
but
i did go to school in purple face
actually
i really committed
i bathed in dr martin's dye
for the record, it turned out to be semi-permanent
so it was a pretty big commitment
i used makeup on my face, not dye, thankfully
but i can't remember exactly what i used
maybe cream eye shadow?
anyway
i wanted to dress up
i didn't have a specific thing in mind
dyeing myself seemed like fun
and i thought--
i'll be a venusian-- they're purple, right?!
or something like that
maybe the venusian idea was first
but
i suspect the dye was calling
now
no one was offended by my choices
but also no one understood, at all
i felt i was very much in an old school star trek vibe
but
at best others thought it was stupid
and at worst
the girl who came in a military jacket
with her face painted as a skull with grease paint
now
she absolutely didn't put more work into it
and her skin wasn't stained for three days until the repeated scrubbing
finally finally removed the dye
and
i mean death as war
wow, how original in 1982
but
whatever
she told me that (basically)
since i had not made my costume a statement
of my political (or i think by extension identity political) opinion in some way
i had FAILED in some very intrinsically
in my very being
and
she was embarrassed for me
wow, i said
i just hadn't really taken it all that seriously
she was a fascinating person
i think she started in media
and i was like
NO you seem like a theatre major
you should switch to theatre
[of course, it's possible that i'm getting that backward now
i'm not certain]
she did however switch majors
so
either i was not the only one who told her that
or
she really valued my opinion
which might explain the let down
but
she started going out in the evening
trying to pass for male
trying to pick up girls as a guy
i'm not sure how i know that
i don't remember
i know she said something
that was a great year of english
my theatre friend (and i didn't have many of those)
what was her name
she was from nyc and was always complaining that there was nothing to do here
she was in that class too
and
one day
she was practicing makeup for a domestic abuse character
and she wore it to class and did a whole scene with ms eichhorn
except ms eichhorn didn't know it was a scene
she was really shaken
and sent her to the nurse
i think we had a test that day
and she got to take it later or make it up, or something
what was her name
carla garcia, maybe?!
no! i remembered SANDRA HERNANDEZ
shit
maybe i'm goin senile
i just looked ms eichhorn up
looks like she's a therapist of some kind
probably doesn't trace back to that day, but
funny if it did
debbie had that class with me too
it was a huge class
ms eichhorn was
not exactly a hippy
she was a playwrite
she wore jeans
and shirts that belled slightly at the wrist
she was slim, but disproportionately hip-y
and her hair was the lankest bob there ever was
she had a style
and it was not appreciated among the student body
but
i liked it
i thought it worked for her
she was jewish, she mentioned
in what context originally i'm not sure
but
it was somehow related to her non-use of soap
which was what earned her debbie's undying hatred
now, she said
everyone is going to think jews are dirty
what the serious fuck is she talking about
that was one of debbie's catch phrases "what the serious fuck"
it was good
i still find myself saying it this much later
well, idk
this has gone on long enough
i might not have time for anything else
this might be the thing for tonight
we'll see
i might start something else
or
i might have to do it tomorrow
like
all sheherazade-y
but
i just had to write this first
i've been seeing all this black face news
which, at first i thought, that has to have been like the early 60s
but no
it was like when i was in high school
and i just cannot imagine what would have happened
if someone had shown up for halloween in black face
maybe they would have been expelled
or given detention
but
at the very least they would have been sent home with a good talking to
probably by mr anderson
the vice principal
who was black
and probably could have done a better job of driving home the point
idk
i literally cannot imagine it happening
the fact that it was glorified with a picture in a college year book
(i'm not sure i knew they even had college yearbooks)
blows my mind beyond beyond
but
i did go to school in purple face
actually
i really committed
i bathed in dr martin's dye
for the record, it turned out to be semi-permanent
so it was a pretty big commitment
i used makeup on my face, not dye, thankfully
but i can't remember exactly what i used
maybe cream eye shadow?
anyway
i wanted to dress up
i didn't have a specific thing in mind
dyeing myself seemed like fun
and i thought--
i'll be a venusian-- they're purple, right?!
or something like that
maybe the venusian idea was first
but
i suspect the dye was calling
now
no one was offended by my choices
but also no one understood, at all
i felt i was very much in an old school star trek vibe
but
at best others thought it was stupid
and at worst
the girl who came in a military jacket
with her face painted as a skull with grease paint
now
she absolutely didn't put more work into it
and her skin wasn't stained for three days until the repeated scrubbing
finally finally removed the dye
and
i mean death as war
wow, how original in 1982
but
whatever
she told me that (basically)
since i had not made my costume a statement
of my political (or i think by extension identity political) opinion in some way
i had FAILED in some very intrinsically
in my very being
and
she was embarrassed for me
wow, i said
i just hadn't really taken it all that seriously
she was a fascinating person
i think she started in media
and i was like
NO you seem like a theatre major
you should switch to theatre
[of course, it's possible that i'm getting that backward now
i'm not certain]
she did however switch majors
so
either i was not the only one who told her that
or
she really valued my opinion
which might explain the let down
but
she started going out in the evening
trying to pass for male
trying to pick up girls as a guy
i'm not sure how i know that
i don't remember
i know she said something
that was a great year of english
my theatre friend (and i didn't have many of those)
what was her name
she was from nyc and was always complaining that there was nothing to do here
she was in that class too
and
one day
she was practicing makeup for a domestic abuse character
and she wore it to class and did a whole scene with ms eichhorn
except ms eichhorn didn't know it was a scene
she was really shaken
and sent her to the nurse
i think we had a test that day
and she got to take it later or make it up, or something
what was her name
carla garcia, maybe?!
no! i remembered SANDRA HERNANDEZ
shit
maybe i'm goin senile
i just looked ms eichhorn up
looks like she's a therapist of some kind
probably doesn't trace back to that day, but
funny if it did
debbie had that class with me too
it was a huge class
ms eichhorn was
not exactly a hippy
she was a playwrite
she wore jeans
and shirts that belled slightly at the wrist
she was slim, but disproportionately hip-y
and her hair was the lankest bob there ever was
she had a style
and it was not appreciated among the student body
but
i liked it
i thought it worked for her
she was jewish, she mentioned
in what context originally i'm not sure
but
it was somehow related to her non-use of soap
which was what earned her debbie's undying hatred
now, she said
everyone is going to think jews are dirty
what the serious fuck is she talking about
that was one of debbie's catch phrases "what the serious fuck"
it was good
i still find myself saying it this much later
well, idk
this has gone on long enough
i might not have time for anything else
this might be the thing for tonight
we'll see
i might start something else
or
i might have to do it tomorrow
like
all sheherazade-y
ok
maybe you're trying to get me to write
I forgot I was writing
I will write something tonight
but
it might not be the book
it might just be
whatever I think up today
which I guess could be the book without my knowing it
I think I was just in a grieving thing
and
I probably am depressed
good morning sweetheart
so
I woke up at 9-something to pee
and then I slept through until my alarm
which I had set for 5
but then I snoozed
Kitty did not like that
he complained
I had fed him when I got up
but
that's still a long time for kitties
I reset it for 6
but
Kitty only let me sleep until 6:45
at which point
he started threatening destruction
so I've been up a little over half an hour
and
I'm seriously considering
going back to bed
for even a half hour
is this sickness or depression
or weather fatigue
idk
I just feel like crap
good morning sweetheart
I love you
Sunday, February 10, 2019
Saturday, February 9, 2019
I just ordered my first ever door dash
food is available to me
for the first time
with an app
I ordered blaze pizza
so I guess we're gonna find out
in an hour
if it's good
I ordered
pesto garlic sauce
goat, gorgonzola, Olivette mozzarella, shredded mozzarella
kalamata olives, basil, red onion, green pepper, roasted peppers, mushrooms, cherry tomatoes, roasted garlic, something else I can't remember
plus
buffalo sauce, ranch, and olive oil drizzles
and
a Greek salad
so
there's that
Friday, February 8, 2019
Monday, February 4, 2019
Where I was going with koans
My thinking was
I write these things
that I've come to realize
other people don't see as complete
but
they are kinda like koans
I think
so
I was thinking
koan
meditation on koan
as format for book
which is a variation on
the last idea I had for our book
which was more of a micro whatever
not a koan
but
then
of course
all the koans
seemed to be telling me things
I didn't want to hear
and now
all I keep have running through my head
is the premonition about dying alone in the desert
Sunday, February 3, 2019
Wednesday, January 30, 2019
if you believe we put a man on the moon
i've been thinking today
about listening to voicemails from HS
talking about how bad unionization was
how we should know
that
if
we unionized
we would have fewer benefits and
things would be so much worse for us
and that we should do anything in our power
to stop fellow "partners" from going that direction
now
in texas
they weren't trying to unionize us
but
seriously
how does that even make sense
also
there were lawsuits
because they expected managers and assistant managers
to work more than 40 hours
but our hours were classified as regular coverage hours
like
8 hours a week were "manager work"
the other 32 were working barista work
and then
you just work however much you need
to do all the rest of your manager work
managers couldn't take vacation
so it was building up
so they changed it
it was then "granted" instead of earned
and
if you couldn't take it
at the end of the year
you just lost it
when i left
i had 4 1/2 weeks of vacation a year
and i mostly used it to make my labor even out
or to work on p&l reviews
or to have an extra day off here and there
so i'd work closer to 40 hours a week
but in the leadership conferences
he'd have the whole place sobbing
he can manipulate people for sure
and
i mean
it's not like he's a "bad guy" as such
but he's not really a good guy either
he joined that company that was already established
he didn't found it
then he wanted to change it
and they didn't want to change
he convinced them to let him try his "third place" model
and they did
and
they didn't want to expand it
so
he went and got a bunch of backers
and bought em out
he's not a genius
he doesn't have a heart of gold
and
quite frankly
i might have fallen for that center-ist third party talk
i've been disenchanted with the democrats for a long time
but
shit man
now
now they are waking up
and finally starting to sound like democrats again
i would vote for aoc
i know that's crazy
she has very little experience yet
and she's too young
but she is saying the right stuff
and she is
amazing
i might start saying i'm a democrat again
maybe
because of her
she's not a fucking "socialist"
not like they are making it sound
they keep saying it, you notice, like as though
she's an aberrant third party straggler who wandered in looking for the pink-o lounge
but no
that is what a DEMOCRAT once looked like
before reagan came and fucked this nation up
ok
maybe that was overly histrionic
and, perhaps not completely historically accurate
but
that was my experience of it
i became politically aware (somewhat)
during the 70s
Vietnam and Watergate
Roe v Wade and Women's Liberation
Carter and Middle East Peace
INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISM
before texas went red
remember tip o'neill
i'm not saying all of these things were uncategorically good
or good by today's standards
but
that trickle down shit was bullshit from the start
we've known it for at least 30 years
de-regulation
also very very bad
and
now
all the infrastructure is shot
we could really use a WPA
i can't take credit for this next idea
it was developed over long talks
but
what if:
we gave people FREE college
and
to earn the free college
they worked in a sort of civic service
for a year or two
there's all sorts of things
they could contribute to the greater society
where they could
meet people with differing views
learn some skills in a field that they might have an aptitude for
get some on the ground experience
before they committed themselves to the education
they could get a little older
a little more perspective
and
i'm not sayin don't pay em
i'm sayin
culturally invest in them
don't tell people that the way to get college is only
the military
or some crazy giant mortgage where they gotta live in a van
this
what we're doing now
this is some crazy
not working shit
and
the WPA was awesome
i mean
it's like 3 1/2 trillion dollars of debt now, right?
so
fuck it
rather than giving the rich people all their money back
let's double down on the hope for a future
we sent a man to the moon, right?
about listening to voicemails from HS
talking about how bad unionization was
how we should know
that
if
we unionized
we would have fewer benefits and
things would be so much worse for us
and that we should do anything in our power
to stop fellow "partners" from going that direction
now
in texas
they weren't trying to unionize us
but
seriously
how does that even make sense
also
there were lawsuits
because they expected managers and assistant managers
to work more than 40 hours
but our hours were classified as regular coverage hours
like
8 hours a week were "manager work"
the other 32 were working barista work
and then
you just work however much you need
to do all the rest of your manager work
managers couldn't take vacation
so it was building up
so they changed it
it was then "granted" instead of earned
and
if you couldn't take it
at the end of the year
you just lost it
when i left
i had 4 1/2 weeks of vacation a year
and i mostly used it to make my labor even out
or to work on p&l reviews
or to have an extra day off here and there
so i'd work closer to 40 hours a week
but in the leadership conferences
he'd have the whole place sobbing
he can manipulate people for sure
and
i mean
it's not like he's a "bad guy" as such
but he's not really a good guy either
he joined that company that was already established
he didn't found it
then he wanted to change it
and they didn't want to change
he convinced them to let him try his "third place" model
and they did
and
they didn't want to expand it
so
he went and got a bunch of backers
and bought em out
he's not a genius
he doesn't have a heart of gold
and
quite frankly
i might have fallen for that center-ist third party talk
i've been disenchanted with the democrats for a long time
but
shit man
now
now they are waking up
and finally starting to sound like democrats again
i would vote for aoc
i know that's crazy
she has very little experience yet
and she's too young
but she is saying the right stuff
and she is
amazing
i might start saying i'm a democrat again
maybe
because of her
she's not a fucking "socialist"
not like they are making it sound
they keep saying it, you notice, like as though
she's an aberrant third party straggler who wandered in looking for the pink-o lounge
but no
that is what a DEMOCRAT once looked like
before reagan came and fucked this nation up
ok
maybe that was overly histrionic
and, perhaps not completely historically accurate
but
that was my experience of it
i became politically aware (somewhat)
during the 70s
Vietnam and Watergate
Roe v Wade and Women's Liberation
Carter and Middle East Peace
INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISM
before texas went red
remember tip o'neill
i'm not saying all of these things were uncategorically good
or good by today's standards
but
that trickle down shit was bullshit from the start
we've known it for at least 30 years
de-regulation
also very very bad
and
now
all the infrastructure is shot
we could really use a WPA
i can't take credit for this next idea
it was developed over long talks
but
what if:
we gave people FREE college
and
to earn the free college
they worked in a sort of civic service
for a year or two
there's all sorts of things
they could contribute to the greater society
where they could
meet people with differing views
learn some skills in a field that they might have an aptitude for
get some on the ground experience
before they committed themselves to the education
they could get a little older
a little more perspective
and
i'm not sayin don't pay em
i'm sayin
culturally invest in them
don't tell people that the way to get college is only
the military
or some crazy giant mortgage where they gotta live in a van
this
what we're doing now
this is some crazy
not working shit
and
the WPA was awesome
i mean
it's like 3 1/2 trillion dollars of debt now, right?
so
fuck it
rather than giving the rich people all their money back
let's double down on the hope for a future
we sent a man to the moon, right?
Tuesday, January 29, 2019
Monday, January 28, 2019
Ok, i'm letting you know now
I have to go in early for a promo change tomorrow
so
I'm probably going to bed
not that long after I get home
and
so I'm not sure how much I'll be writing today
I feel like I'm already getting behind
on sleep
good morning sweetheart
I love you very much
p.s. I am going to write some actual writing soon, I promise
Sunday, January 27, 2019
Free Association List 01/27/19 (this is really more like book notes)
(from Memes to Movements)
Know Your Meme (website)
Pluralistic Ignorance-- Synchronization of Opinion-- Narrative Change
Hegemonic Media Environments-- Creative Networking-- Inserts Alternate Narratives
(PRE) Rainbow Flag --. (POST) NO H8
and
back the other way
Memes-- Physical Memes--Performative Memes
maybe becomes circular loop
Memes as intersection between InJoke and Political Dissent (China GrassMudHorse)
Friday, January 25, 2019
Free Association List 01/25/19
what is the deep state?
if something like 30 people have had security clearance fails over-ridden what is the likelihood that our nation's security has been seriously compromised?
Edward VIII and the Nazis
Fantasyland how America went Haywire
if something like 30 people have had security clearance fails over-ridden what is the likelihood that our nation's security has been seriously compromised?
Edward VIII and the Nazis
Fantasyland how America went Haywire
Thursday, January 24, 2019
what i need to write [idk why] are snow memories
well
nothing about any of that
what keeps running through my head
is
snow
driving across country to see you
snow
driving in the tire tracks of eighteen wheelers
because the highway seemed icy except in the slightly warmer bits
where their tires had been seemed wet
not frozen over
i wanted to get off the road
but
it was too much snow everywhere
i was cold
and i was worried about running out of gas
although i wasn't low yet
but i couldn't drive fast
i thought i was going slow enough
but
man how will i ever get to someplace i can stop for the night
and then
the car ahead of me
just spun out
plopping into the space between the east and west bound lanes
lucky that was open, i guess, since it was the 10
and
i freaked out a little
and slowed down even more
it just now occurs to me that
maybe
i should have tried to call someone
but
i was driving
and i really couldn't
when i got to el paso
things were warmer, i guess
because i was able to pull off the highway
and stop at a hotel
maybe it was a la quinta
and i don't usually stop there
but i was so glad to be off the road
i had really not been sure i would make it out alive
which sounds dramatic
but
i was pretty scared
and then
another time
when i was driving to vegas to work
and i had the computers in the trunk
i had rented a more luxurious car-- full sized, pontiac G6 is that a thing
and i was in sedona
i had wanted to go to sedona
i was in a little shop
and the person working there was like
there's a storm coming, you should get on the road
but
then she was telling me
to take some alternate road because it was clear
so i'm driving round the mountain
and there's snow on the ground
and i'm thinkin about the car spinning off the road
from the previous snow episode
and the mountain roads are narrow
and there is no railing
just me
and the deserted road
and spinning off the side of the mountain, possibly
and the car dash is flashing "low traction" warnings at me
and the snow is coming down thicker and faster
and
i'm sure that time that i'm gonna die
pretty sure
but
i can't pull off
there is no off
i just gotta go through until there's somewhere
and
finally
in flagstaff
the snow is so heavy i can hardly see
and i'm freaking out proper
but all in my head
i am probably looking cool as a cucumber on the outside
because i am laser focused
something
there has got to be something
and there was
it was a big big hotel
and fancier than i'd normally stop at
but
i mean
i had a credit card
and it just didn't matter
it was that or death
and
it turned out it wasn't that bad
and
it let up a little
and there was a del taco by the hotel
and it was open
so i guess the storm wasn't really even there yet
although it seemed like it
but the walk to del taco was a winter wonderland
and i got a big drink
and something
i can't remember
and then
i went to the room
and i opened the curtains
and watched the snow
and wrote to you
i thought i wrote you a bunch of stuff
but i remember writing this
which isn't even good
i guess i got better in ten years
that was december 6th 2009
and it may have been that night, or the next morning
i remember writing something about dreaming i was a trucker
but
i know i wrote that monkey tail thing
because later i looked it up in urban dictionary
and i was embarrassed
because that means something i didn't mean
but i didn't delete it
but
i can remember all of that so clearly
the tension in my body, driving
the fear of crashing the car and dying alone of exposure
and you would never know what happened to me
you'd just go on with life
think i got bored with it
and moved on
and
the next day
i had to get back on the road
because the computers had to get there, ya know
and the roads were not even open at first
and
when they were-- it was bad
icy and rough
plowed and re-icing
i don't even know the terminology for snow stuff
it was bad
but only for a few hours
by the time i got to the nevada border it was considerably warmer
and
by the time i got to the hoover dam
i was euphoric
that dam was the most amazing thing i've ever seen in my life
so beautiful
imbued with life-giving power
i had not died
i had beaten death
twice, actually
and i was flying on some pretty intense personal chemistry
i don't think it could have been more intense
if it had actually been drug induced
i had really really not believed i would get through it
i'd been less concerned about dying
but
i really thought i would not make it through
the freeway would be closed
or i would crash the car
it had been intense
and i was through it
i love you beautiful hoover dam
i really don't normally think i approve of damming
but
i guess i must
because i would not want for you not to exist
oh beautiful beautiful wonder of man over nature
and then
i drove on into las vegas
and there was a billboard
that said something profound
[i can't remember what]
and it was a message from god somehow
and the sun was setting
i was so very
alive
nothing about any of that
what keeps running through my head
is
snow
driving across country to see you
snow
driving in the tire tracks of eighteen wheelers
because the highway seemed icy except in the slightly warmer bits
where their tires had been seemed wet
not frozen over
i wanted to get off the road
but
it was too much snow everywhere
i was cold
and i was worried about running out of gas
although i wasn't low yet
but i couldn't drive fast
i thought i was going slow enough
but
man how will i ever get to someplace i can stop for the night
and then
the car ahead of me
just spun out
plopping into the space between the east and west bound lanes
lucky that was open, i guess, since it was the 10
and
i freaked out a little
and slowed down even more
it just now occurs to me that
maybe
i should have tried to call someone
but
i was driving
and i really couldn't
when i got to el paso
things were warmer, i guess
because i was able to pull off the highway
and stop at a hotel
maybe it was a la quinta
and i don't usually stop there
but i was so glad to be off the road
i had really not been sure i would make it out alive
which sounds dramatic
but
i was pretty scared
and then
another time
when i was driving to vegas to work
and i had the computers in the trunk
i had rented a more luxurious car-- full sized, pontiac G6 is that a thing
and i was in sedona
i had wanted to go to sedona
i was in a little shop
and the person working there was like
there's a storm coming, you should get on the road
but
then she was telling me
to take some alternate road because it was clear
so i'm driving round the mountain
and there's snow on the ground
and i'm thinkin about the car spinning off the road
from the previous snow episode
and the mountain roads are narrow
and there is no railing
just me
and the deserted road
and spinning off the side of the mountain, possibly
and the car dash is flashing "low traction" warnings at me
and the snow is coming down thicker and faster
and
i'm sure that time that i'm gonna die
pretty sure
but
i can't pull off
there is no off
i just gotta go through until there's somewhere
and
finally
in flagstaff
the snow is so heavy i can hardly see
and i'm freaking out proper
but all in my head
i am probably looking cool as a cucumber on the outside
because i am laser focused
something
there has got to be something
and there was
it was a big big hotel
and fancier than i'd normally stop at
but
i mean
i had a credit card
and it just didn't matter
it was that or death
and
it turned out it wasn't that bad
and
it let up a little
and there was a del taco by the hotel
and it was open
so i guess the storm wasn't really even there yet
although it seemed like it
but the walk to del taco was a winter wonderland
and i got a big drink
and something
i can't remember
and then
i went to the room
and i opened the curtains
and watched the snow
and wrote to you
i thought i wrote you a bunch of stuff
but i remember writing this
which isn't even good
i guess i got better in ten years
that was december 6th 2009
and it may have been that night, or the next morning
i remember writing something about dreaming i was a trucker
but
i know i wrote that monkey tail thing
because later i looked it up in urban dictionary
and i was embarrassed
because that means something i didn't mean
but i didn't delete it
but
i can remember all of that so clearly
the tension in my body, driving
the fear of crashing the car and dying alone of exposure
and you would never know what happened to me
you'd just go on with life
think i got bored with it
and moved on
and
the next day
i had to get back on the road
because the computers had to get there, ya know
and the roads were not even open at first
and
when they were-- it was bad
icy and rough
plowed and re-icing
i don't even know the terminology for snow stuff
it was bad
but only for a few hours
by the time i got to the nevada border it was considerably warmer
and
by the time i got to the hoover dam
i was euphoric
that dam was the most amazing thing i've ever seen in my life
so beautiful
imbued with life-giving power
i had not died
i had beaten death
twice, actually
and i was flying on some pretty intense personal chemistry
i don't think it could have been more intense
if it had actually been drug induced
i had really really not believed i would get through it
i'd been less concerned about dying
but
i really thought i would not make it through
the freeway would be closed
or i would crash the car
it had been intense
and i was through it
i love you beautiful hoover dam
i really don't normally think i approve of damming
but
i guess i must
because i would not want for you not to exist
oh beautiful beautiful wonder of man over nature
and then
i drove on into las vegas
and there was a billboard
that said something profound
[i can't remember what]
and it was a message from god somehow
and the sun was setting
i was so very
alive
Free Association List 01/24/19 [edited]
what is galaxy brain
why a trans-ban? don't ask don't tell vs. Truman-- moral questions of inclusivity in the military
i need to pay to get full access to washington post and paris review
washington post has been my favorite newspaper since i went on a trip to d.c. to see georgia o'keefe with my mom and there was a word i didn't know in the piece i was reading at breakfast
placeholder for the thing i was thinking 'you've really gotta write that down' 'why, it isn't current' 'no but you're thinking about it so it's pertinent'-- which i now cannot remember
hunt for orange october
spy in the house of love-- trump as russian asset-- he didn't think he would win, maybe was (in addition to playing with the alt-right to set up media empire) trying to close russian real estate deal and got hoodwinked into being russian puppet
someone described the wall as a series of burning crosses stretching along the border
the wall as symbol in campaign, wasn't quite the immediate security crisis last year. motivations for the shutdown, unstated possibilities
why a trans-ban? don't ask don't tell vs. Truman-- moral questions of inclusivity in the military
i need to pay to get full access to washington post and paris review
washington post has been my favorite newspaper since i went on a trip to d.c. to see georgia o'keefe with my mom and there was a word i didn't know in the piece i was reading at breakfast
placeholder for the thing i was thinking 'you've really gotta write that down' 'why, it isn't current' 'no but you're thinking about it so it's pertinent'-- which i now cannot remember
hunt for orange october
spy in the house of love-- trump as russian asset-- he didn't think he would win, maybe was (in addition to playing with the alt-right to set up media empire) trying to close russian real estate deal and got hoodwinked into being russian puppet
someone described the wall as a series of burning crosses stretching along the border
the wall as symbol in campaign, wasn't quite the immediate security crisis last year. motivations for the shutdown, unstated possibilities
- to look tough for his base-- in which case why isn't he declaring emergency and using DOD $ to fund thewall
- to distract from the muller investigation (which seemed to be snowballing)
- to impede the FBI investigation (federal workers)
- to destabilize the government-- why is that desirable?
- why would russia want to u.s. destabilized at this time?
Wednesday, January 23, 2019
i just had a thought that alarmed me and i want to clear something up
one of the things i really like about my communication style with you
is that there can be multiple readings of things
so often i'm like
hey
that could mean that too
i didn't think of that
cool
but
when i say:
you are a beautiful man
and i love you very much
let's leave it at that
i very much mean
my feelings about you
and our relationship
exclusively
however
when i thought about possible readings of this
it occurred to me
you might take it to mean
no comment
on things you are looking for reinforcement for
and
that possibility had not occurred to me before
so
let me say
you are amazing
you have people more qualified than me to tell you
but
it's always been about the words and energy and
and you are so genius funny
"serviceable"
is too self deprecating
but i don't disagree in principle, ya know
on many levels
better than the past
and
it's early
you are unstoppable, ok
i'm very proud of you
please don't let my issues
make you feel like i think you are any less amazing
at what you do, understand
you are one of a kind
full stop
no debate
is that there can be multiple readings of things
so often i'm like
hey
that could mean that too
i didn't think of that
cool
but
when i say:
you are a beautiful man
and i love you very much
let's leave it at that
i very much mean
my feelings about you
and our relationship
exclusively
however
when i thought about possible readings of this
it occurred to me
you might take it to mean
no comment
on things you are looking for reinforcement for
and
that possibility had not occurred to me before
so
let me say
you are amazing
you have people more qualified than me to tell you
but
it's always been about the words and energy and
and you are so genius funny
"serviceable"
is too self deprecating
but i don't disagree in principle, ya know
on many levels
better than the past
and
it's early
you are unstoppable, ok
i'm very proud of you
please don't let my issues
make you feel like i think you are any less amazing
at what you do, understand
you are one of a kind
full stop
no debate
free association list 01/23/19
they offered him a golden toilet
marmalade menace
covington cath kid/kavanagh smirk micro-expression trigger
externalized "spell"-like force swirling around the air invading people's minds bringing out latent racism [magical realism element]
mauerspringer der mauerspringer by peter schneider (re-read in english)
(can't find book) border us army stood at the border acting threatening until someone fired-- started war to steal all mexican territory-- engineered land grab-- agressive manifest destiny
value of WPA vs. 800,000 workers working without pay + furloughs=no back pay
perspective-- ozymandias vs puppet [to the russians, to the alt-right talking heads]
social media explosion, news media overcorrection: facts(?) as popularity contest
point/counterpoint-- "jane, you ignorant slut" [snl]
components of candidate likeability related to gender performance
nathan phillips - "i felt like the spirit was talking through me"
marmalade menace
covington cath kid/kavanagh smirk micro-expression trigger
externalized "spell"-like force swirling around the air invading people's minds bringing out latent racism [magical realism element]
mauerspringer der mauerspringer by peter schneider (re-read in english)
(can't find book) border us army stood at the border acting threatening until someone fired-- started war to steal all mexican territory-- engineered land grab-- agressive manifest destiny
value of WPA vs. 800,000 workers working without pay + furloughs=no back pay
perspective-- ozymandias vs puppet [to the russians, to the alt-right talking heads]
social media explosion, news media overcorrection: facts(?) as popularity contest
point/counterpoint-- "jane, you ignorant slut" [snl]
components of candidate likeability related to gender performance
nathan phillips - "i felt like the spirit was talking through me"
ok
on computer not phone
much easier
i can't find my notes on life in the time of grackles
it was last year
and it was just a sketch, anyway
but
it's meant to be about now
this time
the world as it is under the current bizarre political situation
but
i was writing it, sort of
and it struck me as a good idea
it's not meant to reflect on you or us or any of that
i just want to be clear
about that
i love you very much
and we have things we need to talk about
but
apparently only i need to talk about them
i got it
i'd like for my mother to be right about something
and what i want her to be right about
is that i can write literary fiction
this shit is happening all around
surely i can do something with it, right
support me in this, ok
please don't make me worry that you're going to take it
as some symbolic negative thing about you
maybe you aren't
maybe i'm totally projecting that idk
but
i have trouble writing long things
and
i think this is a novel
i really do
i just got really excited about it
and then
you had your party when i couldn't come
and it just sucked the will to write it out of me
and then
stuff happened
and i forgot about it
but all this stuff i'm reading on twitter
it's brought it back up
i have a lot of feels about you and me and history and future
and
i don't think it's good for me to talk about them
maybe you want me to
or maybe you don't idk
i want to try this
and
i haven't really got a clue how to do it
i don't think it's gonna write itself
so
what i thought i'd do
is just kinda write whatever comes up
try to do something each day
and see if a pattern shakes out
that first bit seemed like the beginning
that would interest me to read more if i was standing in a bookstore holding the book
but
this shit is going on now
the grackles are symbolic
but
they're kinda a mixed metaphor, ya know
which may not work
or it might be brilliant
do you see where i'm coming from??!!
it's not a symbol for you or me or us
i'm just not trying to make problems there, ok
you are a beautiful man
i love you
let's just stop there
this is a new game i wanna play
where rather than obsessing about you
i write something for you to read
but
instead of it being all about you or all about me
it's something else
a puzzle
a mysterious attempt
to make something
i can't do it without you
you wanna try being my muse for a while?
on computer not phone
much easier
i can't find my notes on life in the time of grackles
it was last year
and it was just a sketch, anyway
but
it's meant to be about now
this time
the world as it is under the current bizarre political situation
but
i was writing it, sort of
and it struck me as a good idea
it's not meant to reflect on you or us or any of that
i just want to be clear
about that
i love you very much
and we have things we need to talk about
but
apparently only i need to talk about them
i got it
i'd like for my mother to be right about something
and what i want her to be right about
is that i can write literary fiction
this shit is happening all around
surely i can do something with it, right
support me in this, ok
please don't make me worry that you're going to take it
as some symbolic negative thing about you
maybe you aren't
maybe i'm totally projecting that idk
but
i have trouble writing long things
and
i think this is a novel
i really do
i just got really excited about it
and then
you had your party when i couldn't come
and it just sucked the will to write it out of me
and then
stuff happened
and i forgot about it
but all this stuff i'm reading on twitter
it's brought it back up
i have a lot of feels about you and me and history and future
and
i don't think it's good for me to talk about them
maybe you want me to
or maybe you don't idk
i want to try this
and
i haven't really got a clue how to do it
i don't think it's gonna write itself
so
what i thought i'd do
is just kinda write whatever comes up
try to do something each day
and see if a pattern shakes out
that first bit seemed like the beginning
that would interest me to read more if i was standing in a bookstore holding the book
but
this shit is going on now
the grackles are symbolic
but
they're kinda a mixed metaphor, ya know
which may not work
or it might be brilliant
do you see where i'm coming from??!!
it's not a symbol for you or me or us
i'm just not trying to make problems there, ok
you are a beautiful man
i love you
let's just stop there
this is a new game i wanna play
where rather than obsessing about you
i write something for you to read
but
instead of it being all about you or all about me
it's something else
a puzzle
a mysterious attempt
to make something
i can't do it without you
you wanna try being my muse for a while?
Tuesday, January 22, 2019
Monday, January 21, 2019
Life in the Time of Grackles (a start)
It was at the Nature Discovery Center I found out they were grackles. I'd always just called em blackbirds. I was not sure until that moment that they weren't crows.
Yeah, they're junk birds.
Excuse me?
Junk birds. They serve no purpose.
Nature Discovery.
They've pretty much supplanted the pigeons since I was a kid-- I can't tell you the last time I saw a pigeon. Generally there are a few in the parking lot doing the job the pigeons used to do. They clean up food scraps and whatnot. In the winter, though, their numbers swell. They cover the bare trees and telephone wires. They can be agressive in numbers. If they are filling a tree I personally give it a wide berth-- I've seen them dive bomb people. Sometimes for some reason they will attack people who aren't even all that close. Swooping in to bloody a head or two trying to enter a coffee shop.
Sunday, January 20, 2019
Raspberries
I hadn't known I was allergic to them.
I'd had what you might call foreshadowing experiences. In Camden Market I had been so charmed to find little baskets of them that I had bought one. Rather expensive. But I had had falafel too so when I found myself running back and forth to the less than charming public toilet I blamed falafel. Plus I was distracted by Body Shop products. Distracted and charmed by eye de-puffing gel and lip balm. These things wouldn't hit America for a few years yet.
Then like fifteen years later I had a salad with fried bits of chicken on top and house made raspberry vinaigrette. I'd had plenty of raspberry vinaigrette and it never caused me any concern before. DSoo, as you may have guessed, I blamed the chicken. In retrospect those others were bottled. Cooked raspberries don't seem to be a problem. And when do you see fresh raspberries? I mean maybe you do. You and your fancy life. I'm not used to seeing more than three raw raspberries at a time and that more of a garnish.
So when I was in the little grocery store in Patagonia and saw the big big bag of frozen mixed raspberries and blackberries, well, I saw no obstacle.
Then on the last day I was sitting in the little three room guest house-- bedroom, bathroom, everything else room-- watching tennis. I should say trying to watch tennis. I don't really understand tennis. Or maybe I do a little but not like something I really understand. I was trying to absorb it because I liked a guy who was pretty into it.
Then I realized it was the last day. Well, I mean, I had known that. But as I started to think about cooking myself dinner, it came crashing down on me just how much food I had not eaten. Some things were canned and could be taken. Some things were perishables like milk and eggs. Aside from making scrambled eggs there just wasn't much that could be done.
Then there was the giant bag of mixed raspberries and blackberries. What on Earth had I been planning to do with that?!
It was frozen and unopened so maybe the landlord could have done something, used them somehow, but they were expensive and looked delicious. No, I'm eating these!
I didn't thaw them even. I just poured them into a bowl and started shoveling them in like a trigger food.
Then things get a little hazy.
I didn't feel too good.
How much later was that? Not sure.
I decided to go on to bed.
The local radio station was on fire. So I was listening to that in bed. I kept having to run to the bathroom. It was like the worst food poisoning you've ever had. Competing orifices. But really, it seemed more like just straight up poisoning. All systems in my body screamed one setting: PURGE!
The room started breathing.
The music on the radio was a pulsing channel to the far flung alternate dimensions of the universe.
It's a hard
It's a hard
It's a hard
It's a hard
It's a hard rain's gonna fall
Saturday, January 19, 2019
Friday, January 11, 2019
Wednesday, January 9, 2019
I love you sweetheart
I went to the mall today
I haven't been to the mall
for a long long time
probably
whenever I mentioned it last
I had a really good time
I got a Starbucks
cold brew
I'm going to bed now
but first
I have realized I follow someone on social media
that I don't understand how I'm following
maybe I fell asleep and hit the button
I think that's what happened when I unfollowed you
or
maybe when I was trying to find the beauty wolf
who I thought I'd followed
but
don't seem to be following
or
maybe he said something I liked at some point
idk
but
I can't quite bring myself to unfollow
because he's giving me a perspective
that I want to know
even though
now that I'm reading my feed
is
wiggin me out a little
anyway
back to regularly scheduled sleeping
Thursday, January 3, 2019
New Phone
Ok
this is officially
for the very first time
written with an app
all other times
when it was written on my phone
(most early morning, late night, or work posts
which means
quite a few)
we're written
on a tiny web browser page
copied to a tile on my start page
this is officially
for the very first time
written with an app
all other times
when it was written on my phone
(most early morning, late night, or work posts
which means
quite a few)
we're written
on a tiny web browser page
copied to a tile on my start page
I'd blow it up to see it
I'm not sure
how I feel
about the differences yet
how I feel
about the differences yet
but
I like to have access to apps
I like to have access to apps
but
whoa does Instagram have ads
I never had em before
whoa does Instagram have ads
I never had em before
I gotta go to bed
I'm pretty sure I made the right choice of phone
I'm pretty sure I made the right choice of phone
I went to pick
and I do research
but then
I get the one
that seems intuitive
and the V30 did not
and I do research
but then
I get the one
that seems intuitive
and the V30 did not
I got the XL too
it seemed more comfortable
it seemed more comfortable
goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much
I love you very much
it's weird
the buttons
and navagation
I kinda think I liked the old way better
but
progress
ya know
the buttons
and navagation
I kinda think I liked the old way better
but
progress
ya know
ok
this is with the computer
wtf did i do that made random words underline
poop
that is the word that i wanted to use
i'm not sure when i used it last
i have like 8 apps and 2 widgets
i'm giddy
see
you didn't realize how not hip i've been livin
i had apps for a very few social media things
but
they stopped working like a year ago
and i had to work around with the pinned browzered tiles
and
i've totally missed snapchat
it's over
and i never got to do it
i wasn't that into it
but
i never even saw it
i need to find the next thing
and early adopt
also
the emojis are all yucky
i liked my old ones better
i still gotta figure out vlogging
so much catching up with the technology
and
i don't really get the assistant
why do people like that
i had it on my old phone
but
i never used it
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
mamet: surprising and inevitable
drama: comedy metaphor
the example he keeps going back to
why did the chicken cross the road
and
somehow
this clicks
it's not funny except by virtue
of conventional expectation
we expect something funny
but
we're given something true
and it's funny
because
of course
ya know
and
he was talking about
needing to cut your favorite scene
and having the movie be better for it
because it's too precious
and I get that
margaret atwood
she was talking about
being 200 pages into a book
having 8 characters
their whole back stories
and
having the story not work
having to put it in a drawer
too many variables
nothing happening
now
I am not certain that nothing happening
is that big a problem
but
it's gotta write itself in a way
if it's too difficult
it's maybe not the story to write now
mamet: drama is a gathering of the tribe
this
is maybe
a place to start thinking
differently
what is the journey
who are the tribe
who is their hero
good morning sweetheart
happy new year
Monday, December 31, 2018
Sunday, December 30, 2018
I did a lot of laundry today
I feel like I haven't done more than
emergency laundry
for like two months
and
I'm not gonna lie
there's still laundry to be done
I've acquired more clothes
in the last couple of years
than I've probably ever had before
mostly thrifting
or sort of thrifting
eBay, poshmark
but
some clearance shopping too
I've been trying to figure out
what is my style now
and
I'm still not sure
but
probably
I'll have to sell
or trade
or donate
some of these clothes
if I can figure out who I am now
I feel like
my face looks fatter
but
some of these pants
seem too big
sloppy
and
they didn't seem that way when I got em
so
I'm not really sure what's going on
I love you sweetheart
I'm going to bed now
can you believe 2018 is almost over
24 months of Tr*~p
and none of that stuff happened
but some other stuff has
(sorry, I don't want to have people find this with his name-- not trying to get that)
can't believe it's still going on
hope it's half over
at least
I thought about getting champagne for new year's eve
but
I think I'm just gonna do margaritas
I like em better
and
I'm not sure what I'm toasting
I'm hoping
things will get better, though
I want things to get better
I haven't been on master class
and they're nagging me on email
I don't like it
not as much as I dislike
eBay or detox market
sending me emails about things
at which I have simply looked
but not
I repeat not
even put in my cart
I looked it it
decided I wasn't interested
never put it on a wish list or watched it
or anything
and then
I get an email that it's ending soon
or almost out of stock
or waiting for me
I really hate
pushy bots
Saturday, December 29, 2018
Thursday, December 27, 2018
i went to dinner with my mom
probably not gonna get to mamet
i am going to watch at least one lesson with
margaret atwood
because it's like a bedtime story
i've been missing it all day
that thing she does with her face
it looks kinda like she's laughing
but there is a little irony
and maybe
just a little
wicked glee
it's kind of addictive
anyway
my mother is reading
i can't remember what she called it
real
not genre fiction (i think)
i'm like
you mean like literary fiction
yes
she says
and
i think
she says
you could write that
with the way you string your words together
but
i say
that is what i have always wanted to write
and you always said that was bad and i should write bestsellers
well
apparently
she has discovered that you win money for literary prizes
and now
you will never believe this
i'm expected to win the nobel prize for literature
uh huh
i mean, it's like a lifetime award
i'm two weeks shy of 52 and i've had nothing published
managed expectations, jeez
anyway
whatever
i love you sweetheart
probably not gonna get to mamet
i am going to watch at least one lesson with
margaret atwood
because it's like a bedtime story
i've been missing it all day
that thing she does with her face
it looks kinda like she's laughing
but there is a little irony
and maybe
just a little
wicked glee
it's kind of addictive
anyway
my mother is reading
i can't remember what she called it
real
not genre fiction (i think)
i'm like
you mean like literary fiction
yes
she says
and
i think
she says
you could write that
with the way you string your words together
but
i say
that is what i have always wanted to write
and you always said that was bad and i should write bestsellers
well
apparently
she has discovered that you win money for literary prizes
and now
you will never believe this
i'm expected to win the nobel prize for literature
uh huh
i mean, it's like a lifetime award
i'm two weeks shy of 52 and i've had nothing published
managed expectations, jeez
anyway
whatever
i love you sweetheart
Wednesday, December 26, 2018
dan brown
1) give the reader what they want
in a way they don't see coming
2) what is the world my story inhabits
3) what is this book about
4) what is the moral ambiguity question that is central to the story
5) what is the tension inherent to the world
6) what happens is not important HOW is
[I'm not sure I agree with these points completely, but they are different from what my focus has been]
7) location is a character &/or an inspiration
8) but don't get all tied up in location because people care more about people than places
[this seems like not something I needed to know at all]
9) heroes & villains [I don't think I have a villain and he thinks that's the most important] villain is the catalyst for everything-- I guess that makes you the villain of my thriller 😊
in a way they don't see coming
2) what is the world my story inhabits
3) what is this book about
4) what is the moral ambiguity question that is central to the story
5) what is the tension inherent to the world
6) what happens is not important HOW is
[I'm not sure I agree with these points completely, but they are different from what my focus has been]
7) location is a character &/or an inspiration
8) but don't get all tied up in location because people care more about people than places
[this seems like not something I needed to know at all]
9) heroes & villains [I don't think I have a villain and he thinks that's the most important] villain is the catalyst for everything-- I guess that makes you the villain of my thriller 😊
I've watched 6 lessons
I am enjoying it
it's not, so far, telling me
anything I don't know
so
I'm also now watching Dan Brown
I don't think he's a particularly good writer
but
I think some of the problems
I've had with structuring
might be helped
by information
on structuring a thriller
maybe not
but
I have all access
so nothing to lose
yay
but
I really need to go to bed
so
not too many lessons
i did something i'm kinda excited about
you know that masterclass thing
well
i keep looking at it
and i keep saying: nah, it's too expensive
cause i think it was $90 a class or something
and
i just didn't see a class i needed, ya know
anyway
then on facebook i got an ad in my feed
and it had this video
well
i keep looking at it
and i keep saying: nah, it's too expensive
cause i think it was $90 a class or something
and
i just didn't see a class i needed, ya know
anyway
then on facebook i got an ad in my feed
and it had this video
and
i was like
ok, ya got me. i might need this
and then i read further and found out
special christmas special--
buy one complete access to all their courses for a year $180, and
get one free to give as a gift
ok
i'm not sure how i could be expected to pass that up
i'm gonna give the gift one to my mom
today is the last day
and
they have serena teaching tennis, just sayin
but
i think the universewas tellin me it was time
I stayed up late
and when I woke up
I had a bad headache
so I set the alarm for an hour later
and went back to bed
but
I slept through that alarm
so I'm up now
still with a headache
but
I had a bad dream too
I dreamed
this guy was looking for these old
computer programming books
and YAY we had them
but them he was mad we sell them as a set
and they weren't discounted enough
these had old bookstop stickers on them
you knew I worked there, right
so they were discounted
10% or 15%
whatever it was
I don't remember
maybe it was more
maybe it was 20% and bestsellers were 30%
whatever
he felt like they shoulda been less
and the stickers were all faded
so
I was having trouble
looking them up
to tell him the price
he kept trying to explain
what these books were about
and context and history
but
I didn't care
I was just trying to get him outta there
I had shit to do
he could get it cheaper at Costco
he said
then buy it at Costco
I said
they don't have it
he said
I don't set the prices
I said
they are a discount club
we are a store
it's not the same situation
and it was that awkward point
where we want to leave
and there's nothing else to say
but
it feels rude to walk away
because of there expectant body language
but then
if you stay
that just makes them think
there's a chance
and they double down
and people had taken back
cases and cases of wines
but they had just put them
like, wherever
the shelving
which looked so much better than what I actually have
had milk crates (I guess we had to get Starbucks in there somehow)
filled with wine bottles
on their sided
filled with whole cases
or mixed cases
just sitting on whatever shelf had space for it
regardless of whether
that made any sense
and
I was debating whether I should move the two racks closer together
because the Christmas stuff between them sold
but
I was going to have to do a new set for new years
that would only be up a week
honestly
I kinda wish I hadn't gone back to bed
also
my auto correct is doing bizarre stuff
it changes would to soul
which it's been doing for a while
but I think there were a bunch of new ones here
I tried to catch them
but
I prolly didn't and I'm not checking this now
so
sorry if there's somethin crazy
hopefully
context wins out
love you sweetheart
Tuesday, December 25, 2018
Monday, December 24, 2018
I decided
I'm not going in early
9hrs is enough
we'll already be open
I won't get my stuff done
I'll just work longer
it's not worth it
and
you will hear from me tomorrow
just not everybody else
I hurt physically
even though I took the 2hr bath
and
I am full of snot
I'm not a pretty picture
I just got out of bed
and
I already want margaritas
one
more
day
I'm not going in early
9hrs is enough
we'll already be open
I won't get my stuff done
I'll just work longer
it's not worth it
and
you will hear from me tomorrow
just not everybody else
I hurt physically
even though I took the 2hr bath
and
I am full of snot
I'm not a pretty picture
I just got out of bed
and
I already want margaritas
one
more
day
Sunday, December 23, 2018
goodnight sweetheart
I'm going to bed
I've been falling asleep in the chair
all day
except when I took the two hour bath
I can't keep my eyes open
I guess I'm going in early
but
he has me scheduled
9-6
already
and
I can't do more than 10hrs
I used to could
but now no
so
I guess I'm going at 8
and we open at 7
so I'm not sure if there's any point
but
there was 40% off minis sale today
and i expect it to be tore up pretty bad
and
I haven't made any sort of plans
with my mother
so
imma have to call her
I can not deal
cannot have dinner with her tomorrow
as is our tradition
and
Xmas is for me
no going anywhere
no friends
no family
just rest
so
I don't know how that's all gonna pan out
I got her a set of dishes
she rarely likes what I get her
but
I think
she's gonna like these
I hope
I will see you in the morning
I love you
ok
I got up at 3
so I wouldn't be 7 minutes late
which I was again yesterday
and
I'm about to leave for work
it opens at 8 now
because
I guess
people love to get up at the
butt crack of dawn
to shop
so
two uninterrupted hours
and then
they can't buy alcohol
and I'm not technically working
so hopefully
I cannot be expected to run a register
and
I have no set time
so
when I'm done
I'm done
and
almost all the wine is out
it's just messy
so
hopefully no more than three hours
I got up at 3
so I wouldn't be 7 minutes late
which I was again yesterday
and
I'm about to leave for work
it opens at 8 now
because
I guess
people love to get up at the
butt crack of dawn
to shop
so
two uninterrupted hours
and then
they can't buy alcohol
and I'm not technically working
so hopefully
I cannot be expected to run a register
and
I have no set time
so
when I'm done
I'm done
and
almost all the wine is out
it's just messy
so
hopefully no more than three hours
Saturday, December 22, 2018
Friday, December 21, 2018
I should have gone to bed
an hour ago
but
I just had a bunch of fun
I looked on juvia's place
online
I bought the ones I have at ulta
but
online at juvia's place
they're having an end of year sale
50% off
so an eyeshadow palette
that would normally be $40
but at jp is normally $20
is now $10
so I bought more
I may end up depotting them
and just putting
the few I actually use in some kind of palette
although
idk
I might not be able to pull that off
w/o destroying everything
I am very excited
hopefully
they are great
but
the ones I have are really really good
and, anyway
three more days
daze
gotta go to bed
sleep fast
going in at 7 again
love you very much sweetheart
goodnight
an hour ago
but
I just had a bunch of fun
I looked on juvia's place
online
I bought the ones I have at ulta
but
online at juvia's place
they're having an end of year sale
50% off
so an eyeshadow palette
that would normally be $40
but at jp is normally $20
is now $10
so I bought more
I may end up depotting them
and just putting
the few I actually use in some kind of palette
although
idk
I might not be able to pull that off
w/o destroying everything
I am very excited
hopefully
they are great
but
the ones I have are really really good
and, anyway
three more days
daze
gotta go to bed
sleep fast
going in at 7 again
love you very much sweetheart
goodnight
Thursday, December 20, 2018
the margaritas are coming fast and furious
but
I'm still falling asleep in the chair
I've gotta sleep fast
and get up
at like 4:30
because I'm going in early
to try to get some work done
before the full shift of register
or
maybe it won't be a full shift
more people are scheduled
and
probably no more that 50 cases
coming in
and
he didn't schedule me to work Sunday
which is like a minor miracle
since it is right before Xmas
but
I'm going in
hella early
to get stuff restocked
and
upstocked
and
less looking like a bomb went off 💣
but
I won't have to work a full day register shift
I'm lucky I can still get around 🍀
I'm not doin as well as I feel I should be
but
I'm not taking any supplements either
so
ya know
I'm slow and ache-y when au naturale
anyway
off to bed
I love you sweetheart
four
more
days
but
I'm still falling asleep in the chair
I've gotta sleep fast
and get up
at like 4:30
because I'm going in early
to try to get some work done
before the full shift of register
or
maybe it won't be a full shift
more people are scheduled
and
probably no more that 50 cases
coming in
and
he didn't schedule me to work Sunday
which is like a minor miracle
since it is right before Xmas
but
I'm going in
hella early
to get stuff restocked
and
upstocked
and
less looking like a bomb went off 💣
but
I won't have to work a full day register shift
I'm lucky I can still get around 🍀
I'm not doin as well as I feel I should be
but
I'm not taking any supplements either
so
ya know
I'm slow and ache-y when au naturale
anyway
off to bed
I love you sweetheart
four
more
days
Wednesday, December 19, 2018
i fell asleep in the chair
and i kept almost waking up
and falling back asleep in the chair
i dreamed
about a vampire king
and the day he saw the five women walking through the courtyard
in nothing but blue towels
as foretold
and
i'm losing it
something about makeup
something about a cafe in a small town
but
something else significant
and
i just can't remember
i gotta get up in a few hours
i got chores to do
i love you sweetheart
and falling back asleep in the chair
i dreamed
about a vampire king
and the day he saw the five women walking through the courtyard
in nothing but blue towels
as foretold
and
i'm losing it
something about makeup
something about a cafe in a small town
but
something else significant
and
i just can't remember
i gotta get up in a few hours
i got chores to do
i love you sweetheart
Tuesday, December 18, 2018
Monday, December 17, 2018
Friday, December 14, 2018
Thursday, December 13, 2018
Aaaaaaacccccckkkkk!!!!!
that's all I got
I'm stressed
and exhausted
and my Achilles tendon hurts
and i dont know why
but
I'm limping
and that's not making anything better
I dreamed about a pool
but
it was at dennis' house
and
I kept having stuff I needed to do
and
maybe something about a string
the weather is doing roller coasters again
and I just want off
I can't even tell you what I did yesterday
not laundry
I'm wearing a fucking thong
a thong
not mailing Xmas presents
or wrapping them
I still have to do that
and people calling out
and
just
Aaaaaccccckkkkk!!!!!
Monday, December 10, 2018
i stayed up too late again
and
i got a cat hair or something in my eye
it is very irritated
that rarely happens
it looks really irritated
like there's thick clear eye goo
and it feels much better since that formed
but it looks worse
i can see ok
i sort of panic about my eyes
i worry
they seem fragile to me
i mean they are fragile
but
eyes are not a walk it off thing
ya know
whatever blah blah
i love you sweetheart
imma go to bed now
meet me in dreamland
and
i got a cat hair or something in my eye
it is very irritated
that rarely happens
it looks really irritated
like there's thick clear eye goo
and it feels much better since that formed
but it looks worse
i can see ok
i sort of panic about my eyes
i worry
they seem fragile to me
i mean they are fragile
but
eyes are not a walk it off thing
ya know
whatever blah blah
i love you sweetheart
imma go to bed now
meet me in dreamland
Sunday, December 9, 2018
so, i bought myself a holly daze present
or rather
it's actually 4 things
but
it's ordered from one place
so i'm considering it one gift, ya know
idk if you realize how much i like makeup brushes
much more than i like makeup, actually
and
i don;t really need any more
but i want them
i watch the fude girl's videos
and, i mean they are kinda slow paced and slightly awkward
not, maybe, the type of thing you'd think i'd watch
but i actually really like them and find them super interesting
so
as a consequence
i have been wanting some koyomo brushes for a while now
but, also
blah blah whole bunch of variables
so rather than trying to reconstruct my search through cdjapan website
i will just show you what i ordered
very excited
this is the first and most important
it is the same shape as the suqqu m brush knock off which i bought on ebay
for some ridiculously cheap price
it's from china
but
i find that i'm using that almost exclusively for eyeshadow
this is the second most important, it is the shape of my chikuhodo T7
which is the brush i like the best for blending out edges
i can apply shadow with it
technically you could do everything with it except line, i guess
but i don't
i only like it for blending out
but i really really like it for that
those two i picked pretty fast
but
i wasn't stopping there
they have a blush and a powder in that same series
but
i don't like goat just especially for those things
i have a synthetic brush i use for blush
it's the only one i currently use
and i went through a bunch of different sizes and shapes
getting one i liked
i ordered it last year
black friday from the body shop
here,since i talked about it
and
for powder
i usually wear mineral powder
and i have a synthetic brush i use for that too
this one here
so
why the need for real hair eye shadow brushes
idk
they just work better for eye shadow
so
i had to think about what would be most useful
and what was most beautiful
and what i wanted to experiment with
and, let me just say
it's not the most user friendly website
not all the brushes i want are available through cdjapan
the three brush i want is not
and there's another one i pinned in face paintings that is not available
well, it is
and so is the suqqu m
but only "by proxy"
and that seems dubious and takes like 6 weeks
besides, too much money
so
i looked around
and i decided on this one to fill that role
i'm not really familiar with this brand
and i'm uncertain whether i think they look cool
or lurid
but the brush is squirrel and sable
and i think i'm gonna love that combination
so
i said
you can get one more
they are pretty good prices on the brushes
the shipping brings it up, some, but still
i had another pinned brush that they had still
but
i found it was in competition with two other brushes
it is made of horse and wooded handled
like it matches (kinda) the blush brush
but
then there was a pony
same color pink as the first two
but different ferrule
or
there was one the same brand as the last one
they were all similar shape
pony and horse might technically be the same material
and this last one is goat
but
slightly more exciting shape
and
really good reviews
and
i was very attracted to it
and two matching brushes seemed
sexier than just the one, which seemed to push it closer to lurid
so i broke down and got this one
i know this is unlikely to be very interesting to you
but
i spent multiple hours on this hunt
and i am super excited to get them
i love presents
it's not a hanukkah present
or a christmas present
it's specifically a holly daze present
because i am feeling
just on the edge
of bah humbug
and i gotta pull out of the spin before it goes there
i'm getting hungry
and i need to go to sleep soon
i think i'm gonna eat my leftover mu shu tofu
and
some ice cream
and call it a night
it's actually 4 things
but
it's ordered from one place
so i'm considering it one gift, ya know
idk if you realize how much i like makeup brushes
much more than i like makeup, actually
and
i don;t really need any more
but i want them
i watch the fude girl's videos
and, i mean they are kinda slow paced and slightly awkward
not, maybe, the type of thing you'd think i'd watch
but i actually really like them and find them super interesting
so
as a consequence
i have been wanting some koyomo brushes for a while now
but, also
blah blah whole bunch of variables
so rather than trying to reconstruct my search through cdjapan website
i will just show you what i ordered
very excited
this is the first and most important
it is the same shape as the suqqu m brush knock off which i bought on ebay
for some ridiculously cheap price
it's from china
but
i find that i'm using that almost exclusively for eyeshadow
this is the second most important, it is the shape of my chikuhodo T7
which is the brush i like the best for blending out edges
i can apply shadow with it
technically you could do everything with it except line, i guess
but i don't
i only like it for blending out
but i really really like it for that
those two i picked pretty fast
but
i wasn't stopping there
they have a blush and a powder in that same series
but
i don't like goat just especially for those things
i have a synthetic brush i use for blush
it's the only one i currently use
and i went through a bunch of different sizes and shapes
getting one i liked
i ordered it last year
black friday from the body shop
here,since i talked about it
and
for powder
i usually wear mineral powder
and i have a synthetic brush i use for that too
this one here
so
why the need for real hair eye shadow brushes
idk
they just work better for eye shadow
so
i had to think about what would be most useful
and what was most beautiful
and what i wanted to experiment with
and, let me just say
it's not the most user friendly website
not all the brushes i want are available through cdjapan
the three brush i want is not
and there's another one i pinned in face paintings that is not available
well, it is
and so is the suqqu m
but only "by proxy"
and that seems dubious and takes like 6 weeks
besides, too much money
so
i looked around
and i decided on this one to fill that role
i'm not really familiar with this brand
and i'm uncertain whether i think they look cool
or lurid
but the brush is squirrel and sable
and i think i'm gonna love that combination
so
i said
you can get one more
they are pretty good prices on the brushes
the shipping brings it up, some, but still
i had another pinned brush that they had still
but
i found it was in competition with two other brushes
it is made of horse and wooded handled
like it matches (kinda) the blush brush
but
then there was a pony
same color pink as the first two
but different ferrule
or
there was one the same brand as the last one
they were all similar shape
pony and horse might technically be the same material
and this last one is goat
but
slightly more exciting shape
and
really good reviews
and
i was very attracted to it
and two matching brushes seemed
sexier than just the one, which seemed to push it closer to lurid
so i broke down and got this one
i know this is unlikely to be very interesting to you
but
i spent multiple hours on this hunt
and i am super excited to get them
i love presents
it's not a hanukkah present
or a christmas present
it's specifically a holly daze present
because i am feeling
just on the edge
of bah humbug
and i gotta pull out of the spin before it goes there
i'm getting hungry
and i need to go to sleep soon
i think i'm gonna eat my leftover mu shu tofu
and
some ice cream
and call it a night
alright 5:13
and
to clarify
I didn't tell him I'll be in whenever
I just said
oh, I don't think I can make it by 6
and then didn't specify a time
the reason I'm so wrecked
is
they instituted a new receiving
where ya gotta scan everything
and
the bar codes on the boxes
are supposed to work
but they mostly don't
so
ya gotta open most of the boxes
and scan a bottle
but
of course they're stacked
so ya gotta unstack em
at 40 pounds a box
120 boxes
that's a lotta lifting
before you've put anything away
Saturday, December 8, 2018
I love you sweetheart
I'm just having
kinda a rough life right now
I have to go in tomorrow
for a little bit
because
there's a big sale
and Dennis
doesn't understand
that
I've pretty much done it already
he's all like
I'll be here at 6
fucking good for you man
I am not getting up at
3:30 on my day off
and
I move so slow in the morning
that that's pretty much what it comes to
so
imma get up
at 4:30/5
and I'll get there when I can
might be 6
might be 7
might be fucking 8
whatever
I want to be a team player
but
fuck
fuck
my back hurts
I want
I want
I want
good touch
goodnight sweetheart
I love you
Wednesday, December 5, 2018
ok
I'm awake
but
that's all
I feel like I've been beaten
and
I have a headache
😢
I was looking back
and
I'm sorry that video was so long
I thought it was about 15 minutes
but
it was actually 45
I guess that's a testament to how interesting I found it
nothing there you need to see
hope your day is going well
I might need to take another
Epsom bath
I really don't want to
but
everything hurts
I love you sweetheart
Tuesday, December 4, 2018
i stumbled across some videos
and
they aren't appropriate to our conversation
but
they made me remember some things
that i don't think i've told you
i had this fascination with the idea
of being a nun
i'm not into the jesus idea
and
maybe ultimately
that's the thing that put me off it
the idea of spending my day in prayer
of dedicating my life to god
those things were appealing
but
nuns-- or at least so i thought
spent their days working
monks seemed to have the really good life
brewing trappist ales
raising bees
cloistering from the world
those things seem good
of course
you don't really choose who you live with
and
how much time do you get alone
plus
you gotta cut off your hair
and you can't have any stuff
there were too many cons to really consider it
even apart from the jesus thing
which
i guess
really has to be a deal breaker
but
there are some convents or monasteries
where you can stay
like renting a room
like travel, i guess
and
i've always thought it would be fun to do that
and earlier version of the trailer in the desert-- writing
i asked god the other day
i had the tarot cards
and i'm like
look
i'm always asking you things
and i don't think i'm asking the right questions
so please
just tell me what you want me to know
and the nine of cups is what came back
the wish card
you will be happy
it seemed to say
that was what i wanted to be when i grew up-- happy
and
i've never quite managed it
i would not say i have ever been happy
i mean
you know, like momentarily, yes
but like
my life is happy
no, never
i almost held my breath and looked at the next card
ace of pentacles
new life
was both specific and vague
i support you, foundationally
do it
live it
be it
i support you
and
they aren't appropriate to our conversation
but
they made me remember some things
that i don't think i've told you
i had this fascination with the idea
of being a nun
i'm not into the jesus idea
and
maybe ultimately
that's the thing that put me off it
the idea of spending my day in prayer
of dedicating my life to god
those things were appealing
but
nuns-- or at least so i thought
spent their days working
monks seemed to have the really good life
brewing trappist ales
raising bees
cloistering from the world
those things seem good
of course
you don't really choose who you live with
and
how much time do you get alone
plus
you gotta cut off your hair
and you can't have any stuff
there were too many cons to really consider it
even apart from the jesus thing
which
i guess
really has to be a deal breaker
but
there are some convents or monasteries
where you can stay
like renting a room
like travel, i guess
and
i've always thought it would be fun to do that
and earlier version of the trailer in the desert-- writing
i asked god the other day
i had the tarot cards
and i'm like
look
i'm always asking you things
and i don't think i'm asking the right questions
so please
just tell me what you want me to know
and the nine of cups is what came back
the wish card
you will be happy
it seemed to say
that was what i wanted to be when i grew up-- happy
and
i've never quite managed it
i would not say i have ever been happy
i mean
you know, like momentarily, yes
but like
my life is happy
no, never
i almost held my breath and looked at the next card
ace of pentacles
new life
was both specific and vague
i support you, foundationally
do it
live it
be it
i support you
Monday, December 3, 2018
I think I've mentioned before
that I'm geographically dislexic
so
it took me like 40 minutes
to find the fuckin dps
and then
I couldn't go out the same way I came in
so now
it's been an hour and a half
trying to find my way home
I toured oak Forrest
and the sketchier part of
spring branch
then
spring valley
memorial
tanglewood
and finally home
"uptown" galleria area
quite a journey
I must say
now
I'm done
stick a fork in me
I'm eating Mexican food
for emotional strength
😊 🍴
ok
so
done with that
and all proving I'm a citizen
and such
and
I didn't know to be grateful
for my last picture
but
this one doesn't really look like me
I wish I could get a do over
I look hideous
but
oh well
nobody really looks at drivers license pictures
right?!
but
I'm a little demoralized
about the passport
I may quit this for the day
Sunday, December 2, 2018
i love you
i hope you're having fun tonight
i wish i could be with you
i'm not sure if you thought i might be
or not
i haven't forgotten that i'm writing you something
i had a dream
that made me want to do something inspired by it
but
it was all hallucinogenic
so
i can't really describe the dream
i have to do that safety deposit box tomorrow
that's the day i have to do it
and since dennis gave me monday off
he asked me
to work at the heights today
because they have a ton of wine
in the back
that isn't even represented out front
and
omg
i am really really sore
i took like a three hour bath
i've only got like 90 pages left of that book
i did tell you i read slow
you might think
idk
that i'm difficult
and i mean, i kinda am
but not with you baby
i try
i've tried really hard
for a long time
and i hope you're not gonna quit me
i think you know
but
in case you don't
you are very precious in my heart
i'm up for some quantum entanglement if you are
i'll be asleep until 5:30a
goodnight sweetheart
i love you
i hope you're having fun tonight
i wish i could be with you
i'm not sure if you thought i might be
or not
i haven't forgotten that i'm writing you something
i had a dream
that made me want to do something inspired by it
but
it was all hallucinogenic
so
i can't really describe the dream
i have to do that safety deposit box tomorrow
that's the day i have to do it
and since dennis gave me monday off
he asked me
to work at the heights today
because they have a ton of wine
in the back
that isn't even represented out front
and
omg
i am really really sore
i took like a three hour bath
i've only got like 90 pages left of that book
i did tell you i read slow
you might think
idk
that i'm difficult
and i mean, i kinda am
but not with you baby
i try
i've tried really hard
for a long time
and i hope you're not gonna quit me
i think you know
but
in case you don't
you are very precious in my heart
i'm up for some quantum entanglement if you are
i'll be asleep until 5:30a
goodnight sweetheart
i love you
Saturday, December 1, 2018
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
