goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I've had a very strange day

I got up and I made coffee

A drank coffee and eight brand muffins

I played around on my phone

I tried to convince myself to carry more stuff downstairs what clothes from the closet but I just couldn't make myself do that

Then I was trying to make myself go tell them that I think that the closet is still leaking and they need to come check it again

When two maintenance guy showed up and said you've got a sheet rock job

And I'm like no it's not dry yet and in fact I'm not even sure that it's not still leaking and they're like you told them

So I give them kind of a brief history of what it happens so far and they're like okay well we come back later maybe Friday

But based on last year it's going to take two weeks for that sheetrock to dry enough that they feel like they might be able to come and fix it

And that's after the leak has stopped which I'm not entirely certain that it has

It has slowed down

So maybe there's just a huge amount of water anyway I don't know That's not the strange part

I had some stuff coming in the mail today

Actually no none of it was coming in the mail it was coming UPS

And I was pretty excited

And it got delivered like I don't know maybe 10:30 11:00

So it was supposed to be eight bottles of sauerkraut brine with beet and jalapeno juice stuff

Which came and seemed to be fine but it was you know warmish so I just now drank it hours later and it's delicious it's so good it's like everything I could ever hope for so I'm very excited about that I mean it could be a little cheaper it could be a little bigger bottles but other than that it's everything you could hope for

And the second one was a pair of jeans cuz I've started wearing jeans again

They're great they fit great they were on sale no problem very pleased

Then the third box I picked it up and it's all like rattly like maybe it's broken only it's supposed to be a purse

I bought this purse months ago on eBay that I really like the general size and shape of but I got it you know pretty cheap and it's an older purse and it's you know maybe not that well made or whatever but it's even though I've only been using it for a couple months it's really starting to look a little bit ratty and so I was like so I found a purse that's a little bit nicer purse and a little bit more expensive too but it was on sale and I was like well you know if this is my new favorite shape purse

I'm having kind of a rough life I'm going to treat myself I don't want it to be a you know oh I wish I had bought it it's the one that got away I can never find anything is perfect is this again so I just ordered it you know

But this box that's sitting on my stoop is not nearly big enough to be that purse it's the wrong size and why is it rattly

And in the tracking it was in Illinois for quite a while and it kept saying redirecting address and I'm like I don't understand why are you redirecting address it's coming from the east coast Illinois makes sense just come straight down You know what what is to redirect address that would make sense if it had gone to from the east coast to the west coast and they were like oh no no no it came too far we need to send it back but Illinois makes perfect sense

Just like okay well that's weird I don't know what that means and now here's a box that's the wrong size and shape and makes noise in a way that a purse would not make

So I open it up and it is a box of boxes of wood screws like you know pretty good size wood screws like about 3 in long by like 3/8 of an inch wide just eyeballing it it probably said on the box but I don't I don't think I paid any attention

And the label that's on it is kind of beat up and has been physically taped onto the box so like it got torn off and they were trying to guess which box it went to and they just taped it on there and sent it through

And I'm like well if they sent the purse to the person who wanted the wood screws they're not going to be very happy and I don't know what the f*** I'm going to do with a bunch of wood screws

But I thought it was kind of funny like what is the universe trying to tell me with this screw you

That seems a little too obvious

So I figured it was probably the label from the purse because the purse was supposed to be coming with the rest of that stuff so I looked it up and sure enough that's the tracking number blah blah blah so I'm like well I could email them and I don't know whether it's better to just say hey it didn't come or to start explaining about the box with the wood screws because that just sounds a lot more unbelievable somehow and I don't want them to make me mail back the wood screws cuz I don't want to pay for postage for the wood screws which are a lot heavier than the purse

So I was like you know maybe the person will still come

No that doesn't make any logical sense right I mean if the label for the purse is on this box then how does it make any sense that the purse is still going to come

But I had kind of entered into a fog

My head kind of hurts and my back kind of hurts and I don't really feel very good and I've been picking my face for I think hours

And I went and told them about the air conditioning thing so I've been waiting and waiting for them to come and check the air conditioning but no one has come now they might have gone on the roof

But still you think someone would have come in so I'm just sitting here

Trying to decide if I'm hungry

Or if I'm nauseated

And if my headache has passed over into migraine territory

I'm trying to remember all the things I've been thinking for like the last I don't know 6 hours

I'm still trying to figure out what the message from the universe about the wood screws is

And then there's a knock on the door

So I go to the door and there's a package and the package is the right size and shape and from the right place to be the purse

And I open it up and it is in fact the purse

Which is great and it's very pretty

But you know I was just being lazy saying oh probably it'll still show up

I mean if they had said it was delivered but it wasn't delivered then you know with some degree of regularity with the post office not with you UPS but with some degree of regularity with the post office you know they'll be running late in the day and they'll just say oh yeah we delivered it and they didn't and they usually deliver at the next day but you know I assume they have to be done by a certain time and they have to have accounted for all their stuff and so they just lie on the paperwork

No I don't actually know that I'm just theorizing but it makes sense and it seems to fit the data

So in that scenario that would have made sense

But this is UPS not the post office and also there was a box delivered with a label on it with the tracking for the purse so I don't really understand you know an item was delivered it just wasn't the right item but it was labeled as the right item so then where does this second purse come from

so I mean I think that the universe is trying to get me to laugh maybe

Which you know I'm not laughing out loud but you know it's amusing and I'm still trying to figure out the wood screws but it just doesn't make any sense I mean it's not like that would be the first thing that ever happened to me that didn't make any sense but it doesn't make any sense

My father

He always had all these ideas and things he was thinking up

And I asked him one time

Why don't you do any of these things

And he said you know I get enough enjoyment out of just thinking them up I don't need to do them

And I'm kind of like that

I'm a lot like my father actually

And I'm completely not liking at all

But the one thing that I think my brother and I both get from him is just an incredible imagination

I mean I think up a lot of stuff

Now the problem with books

Maybe my real problem with them

It's maybe I get bored with the idea before I can finish or maybe I come up with another idea or maybe I get distracted by something else

And I do have a perfectionism issue I mean you've rightly identified that I don't want to do it unless it's perfect That's maybe not right necessarily think that anything I would write would be perfect perfect but I do have perfectionism issues

And maybe my problem is

That I don't really have something I want to say to the world or an audience or whatever I don't feel and need to have people love me or pay attention to me or whatever

I mean I guess I want you to love me and pay attention to me but

I don't really have one story I want to tell you

And sometimes I feel like you want something from me and I don't know what it is you want and I don't know how to give it to you and just the pull of the your wanting it feels difficult because I have this thing in me where everybody always wants something

And so if I'm stressed out and feeling like I cannot handle the world and then somebody wants something from me it doesn't read as good it reads as more stress

So I'm trying not to do that

I'm trying to look for things that are funny

Growing up

My father thought I was very funny

It wasn't just him I mean people generally find me funny

But I've withdrawn so much over the years

Maybe I have a hard time relating to people

I don't have a kid

I'm probably not going to have a kid

And although I wanted to have a kid with you I don't know that I necessarily wanted to have a kid generally

I feel like my parents were pretty bad parents and I don't know whether I would be a good parent or not I think I would be because I've given it a lot of thought all the things that I think parents should do and shouldn't do and what I would do you know

But I seem to require an awful lot of time for thinking like I literally go into these I don't want to say they're fugue states I don't think they are fugue states and they're not exactly meditative states either it's more like a flow state except I don't know that I actually accomplish anything but it's like as though you were writing or painting or you know it's a creative process but I'm just thinking

And so I guess that's kind of like my dad but you know all this time with my mother even though she mostly doesn't talk to me even when we were painting in the studio

It's not like she's enjoying my company and talking to me I mean she'll boss me around but for the most part we would just work in silence

But you would think that you know packing up your s*** and whatever that I'd have plenty of time to think but no I can't really think and do anything else too well and being in her house is slightly traumatizing

So I don't really know what I'm saying here

I feel like I have some sort of an art form that I do but it's sort of a solitary art form which isn't probably good

Probably when you don't like the term content

But I kind of feel like that's really just another way to say you're supposed to take all this stuff in your brain and make into something for other people to consume

And I guess that's what I always had a problem with I mean I can make stuff

And I guess I can write stuff

But I feel like a lot of what's going on with me is going on with me

Not like an ego thing not really sure

I mean I think that you're becoming a father really made you a better person I mean maybe it's not fair for me to say that because maybe I don't really know you I feel like I know you but baby I don't know you maybe I just know some projection

I don't know I'm in a weird head space

But I think that I don't know I don't know I have ego I think but I feel as though that maybe I don't have enough ego not that I need to have a situation where it gets knocked down a peg but maybe I just don't have enough of it

I don't know I'm in a weird headspace I feel like I am just on the other side of the wall from something and that I'm going to open a door and walk through or I'm going to go around the corner or something's going to happen and it is all going to gel and come together and great things

but I can't see that I necessarily know exactly what well no I don't know what all what I feel like I'm very close to knowing what and I feel like that the things that I'm doing and the things that I have been doing are either very important

Or

Completely unimportant and a waste of time

But I don't really know which

I did however have a day last week

We're driving felt normal again

Like the way I used to drive I couldn't really remember it before I knew it wasn't what was happening what was happening felt completely unnatural

But I was driving along and I realized

It's back

It's like this sense that my I don't know energy is spread out outside the car like the force is driving the car like I'm paying attention but I'm not paying attention it's some bigger me

So when I was driving and it was feeling totally frightening it was like it was little me sitting in the car looking at everything and everything was too much and I couldn't absorb it all

But this back to normal driving is like I'm not I'm not paying attention at all

I'm relaxed and not paying attention and some other bigger thing is paying attention

And

Maybe that's how being out in public is too

So I don't know

I'm not sure that means I could drive hundreds of miles but the 8 mi to my mom's house seems totally natural now

Okay I'm going to listen to that one thing but I haven't listened to it yet but today was just all about an orgy of January 6th I just watched TV all day

Well not really TV internet but whatever

And I probably should have gone through my closet and gotten rid of more stuff we're dragged those other two bags downstairs at least but I didn't

I watch TV and I ordered some food from Hawaiian brothers

And the guy said he was going to come back and check the AC and I don't know whether he went up on the roof and checked it or not but he didn't come in and I'm pretty sure it's still leaking so I'm probably going to have to go back to the office and complain tomorrow

So this did all get me some days off from my mom which is good because I wanted to kill her

And I I just don't feel good about her

I mean that whole refusing to accept my boundaries and have to talk smack about me because she's got to get sympathy from Marion and so she can't even remember that I'm a person who exists there and is there

And I'll grant you that the smack she was talking about me this last time was a lot less smacky than the smack she was talking about me before but I don't even care

I'm just so over her right now

I mean

The fact that when Marion is around she has to focus on getting Marion to have all the sympathy for her and so she has to paint me as bad and that that so overpowering that she's not even really aware that she's talking badly about me or maybe she is aware I don't know but clearly it's not as important

It's actually kind of making me flash back a little bit to when she and my father would fight and bicker in front of me and I would be like could you please not do this it really upsets me and they just couldn't stop because it was more important to them that they have their little bickering thing then how I felt

Because realistically how I feel is just not very important to them

And you know I had to stop myself the other day from ordering more stuff from my mom to make her living experience nice

Because I've already ordered her new silverware and I had already ordered her new dishes that she just never used

The really nice cookware that I had ordered her I found on the floor in the kitchen because she left it soaking in water for a long time and it's completely ruined

and I can't remember what it was that I was thinking I should order her the other day but I was driving to her house and I was thinking I should order her something and I was like you know what what what has your mother ever done like special for you

Like a special thing that she got you or did for you just to make you happy

And I thought and I thought and I thought

And finally I was like when I think it was Lasher came out she got me an autographed copy from the bookstore

And I'm like okay well that was nice

But do you actually think she like went and waited in line at the bookstore to get you an autographed copy especially because it was the special thing she was doing for you or do you think she was at the bookstore getting something for herself and she saw that and she just picked it up

And I'm like well you know it doesn't matter either way it was a nice gift

And I'm like it does matter because it's a different set of parameters

I'm not asking you if she ever bought you anything we know she's bought you things

What I'm asking you is this thing that you do where you say oh that would be a really great thing that I could get for her that would make her life better

Oh that would be a really special thing I should get that for her because that's exactly what she needs

That thing that you do

Where you're like looking for ways that you can make people's lives better

And get them a perfect thing that's like special for them

Which okay is the thing that you enjoy to do and the thing that you have a particular aptitude for so whatever but

Name one time that she thought about you and did something special for you that you know was not like oh she was picking up something for herself and she just picked up something for you two at the same time or she would get some extra thing if she bought an extra whatever you know like something that was completely just her thinking about you

Like you like to think that a mother would do

And I could not come up with one thing not one thing

And that made me kind of sad

I guess I have a whole lot of things that I think are the way things should be and I don't know where I get them I don't really think I get them from popular culture either maybe it's just like you know well I would do this

And that's probably not fair

But then of course

While I'm not able to think of anything special that she did that was just for me

Or indeed any unselfish thing she's ever done for me

I am been able to remember the time that I went to live with her thinking she was the way she was pretending to be and then she turned out to be the way she really is and I kind of lost my mind and was having a really hard time dealing with my situation

Which was basically that my father and my stepmother got rid of all my stuff and got rid of my bed and didn't really care if I came to visit them at all and my father was basically treating me like a girlfriend who cheated on him

And my mother would look at me and tell me I looked like my father and then her eyes bug out and she would scream at me and it just I mean she was terrible she was just terrible

And so you know I told her that I was having a hard time and I thought maybe I needed to go see a therapist and she said you just looking for ways to spend my money

And all the times I was super depressed and she was like you just need to decide to be happy

Of course there was always money if she needed to see a therapist but I don't believe she tells that therapist the truth so I don't believe it's ever going to do her any good

Anyway

There's a way in which I don't feel like she's a real person

That probably sounds really bad

I know she's a human

But I just have a very keen awareness of her fakeness right now

And I mean when I was going out to dinner with her periodically because I felt bad that Bob had died and she was alone and she would make me talk you know we couldn't just have a conversation I had to like entertain her cuz she wanted to hear all about my life or what I was into or whatever but she didn't really want to hear it she would get bored and her eyes would glaze over and she would obviously not be paying any attention to me and it would be like god damn it I don't want to talk

I don't want to sit and talk about myself

Why are you making me talk about myself when you don't even care

Well that was a lot easier

The knowing that she can't keep in her head that I'm standing right here and she's talking smack about me to somebody else

And I mean maybe she loves me

But I don't believe it

I don't really know what she thinks

Or how she feels

But I don't believe that she sees me as a real person who exists all the time

I don't think when I'm out of her sight she really thinks about me and I don't think she I don't know I just

I have thoughts and feelings about how a mother should be and it doesn't overlap with her at all

And as much as I do not like the way she is mad about all the things she's mad about that she doesn't take into account any of the bits that are her fault but she just goes on and on about what horrible monsters all these other people are

As much as I hate that

When I think about the things that she has done to me in the past even though I don't think about them very often if for some reason I do think about them they still make me angry

And then I think oh maybe I'm like her

And then that makes me angry

Because the one thing I do not want to be is like her

And all this time around her

I think I thought I was going to understand her better maybe get inside her head a little bit have a better idea of what motivates her

But I don't

I just don't care what motivates her anymore

I just feel like she's a narcissist

And I won't say she's a pathological liar I think she just doesn't really know what's true

That's not exactly true I mean well no I don't think she knows what's true but I don't think she really cares much what's true I think she's just telling you in any situation what she thinks she needs to tell you to manipulate you into doing what she wants

But then she doesn't really keep track so the stated reality is different possibly every day

And if she's nice or apologetic or seems interested or anything that seems positive it doesn't ever really seem to come from inside of her it's not like she has warm feelings for me

It all seems very fake

And see I want good things for her I want her to have this beautiful place to live and be happy I don't know why exactly I want that because it's not like oh I love her so much I want her to be happy it's not like that

But it also isn't like oh I get some sort of feeling of superiority out of being able to to do that for her or oh it makes me so happy to be able to do that for her I don't really understand why I want to do that I guess I just feel like she wants it and she can't do it for herself but I can do it for her

Which I did because she's all moved in and you know she's got the nice stuff so it still remains to be seen if she's going to f*** it up I think she's probably going to f*** it up but I'm trying really hard try and really hard not to let her f*** it up

But I've kind of lost track of why

I mean I think it's got something to do with trying to make peace with myself

Like I was going to have to go through all her stuff while I wasn't going to have to go through all her stuff I could have just thrown it all away

But I mean a certain part of me feels like I was going to have to deal with all of her s*** when she died so because of all this whatever happened and I'm kind of letting the universe bring it to me you know or whatever it was like okay well I'm not doing it when she dies I'm doing it now

And so as part of that kind of making peace with her making peace with myself you know this is my mother and she's going to die someday hopefully not too long from now

Which sounds terrible but I mean

I'm fully prepared to accept that I'm a bad person for not loving my mother although I do seem to love her but I don't love her and I can't explain that any better so if you have a wonderful loving family which you seem to then there may not be any way for you to really understand I don't know

So if the reasons why I'm doing this are selfish

They don't feel selfish

I feel like I'm working really hard to make somebody else happy who really isn't going to be made happy by anything I do

I feel like I've got myself into a situation that is perhaps not really all that good for me after all

I mean I do think that just telling her what I think about all the things that she does and says and not letting her bully me around too much I think that's good for me I guess

But I pretty much

I don't like it

I don't like her

I don't I don't know I don't even really feel like she is my mother

I'm really increasingly feeling as though she is not my mother

And I don't know how I feel about that

Like I kind of feel like I never had a mother

I can remember when I had so much trouble with Deborah I used to talk about my mother and I would call her my real mother like my real mother this and my real mother that but that was just a fantasy you know I mean she was working it pretty hard because she wanted to make me come and live with her but I'm thinking now that might have been more about breaking my father's heart then about caring about me at all

and it definitely did break my father's heart I don't think he ever forgave me and I didn't really understand any of that weird dynamic with my father until one time when I was on the road driving back from Santa Cruz so like I don't know 2007 something some interaction I had with you just made me see something I can't even remember exactly now what but it just made me see how my father had felt

And I don't really like that you're all tied in with my daddy issues I don't really know if you still are

I was thinking today about how Jason said we were raised by green tree lobsters

I don't know if his issues with his mother were worse than my issues with my mother I'm not really clear how similar or different

I mean if I had to pick Debra or my mother I would pick my mother but I think it's just because she is my mother you know what I'm saying it's not because she's a whole lot better than Deborah

Deborah's kind of a liar and manipulator too though I don't know I feel like Deborah is a lot more what you see is what you get

But I hate her

And I used to be worried that Jason was going to end up being retarded because every time he bounced around her she would hit him and what she could reach was usually his head so she usually hit him in the head because he was hyperactive and just bouncing all over the place and annoyed her

And when I say I hate her I don't really mean I hate her I mean I do I hate her but I don't spend very much time thinking about her so it's not like you know oh I hate her I have this burning hate in me and it consumes me and does more damage to me than it does to her I don't have any strong feeling towards her I just hate her so if there's anything she wants I'm not going to do it and I'm going to steer clear of her but you know I'm not going to go out of my way to do anything bad to her either because I'm mostly just want her not to exist and so for the most part she just doesn't and I haven't thought about Deborah since probably whenever the last time I mentioned her to you was

I just couldn't have the kind of closure I wanted to have with my father it just was not possible

And I thought maybe it was possible to have closure with my mother but I sort of don't think that's possible either

But maybe you see why

Well no I'm not going to say that but maybe all the things that I've had problems with

Through the various years

Maybe

Maybe you understand why I've had those problems

Anyway

Whatever

I seem to be crying now

I've been doing this thing

It's a law of attraction thing

And some days I think it's working really really well and other days I don't think about it

I saw some video late at night that was talking about this

The sky he was really down on his luck and this law of attraction guru guy who's going to help him or something I don't remember the story now

But he wrote down on a piece of paper for this guy 

Good things are coming my way

And he told him to say it everyday

Well I that Abraham Hicks she's got all this oh when you get up in the morning you need to think about all this stuff blah blah blah well you know I was doing that and it was great but I can't when I'm having to deal with my mother I cannot always maintain that you know positive visualizing whatever I cannot always you know segment intend and whatever

But I was like well I could do that even if I get really bogged down

So I was like you know good things are coming my way

But then I was like you know that's not really right because good things are coming my way I mean maybe they're coming my way but they're going to drive right past me or what have you

And that's not what I believe

So I'm like good things are coming my way

But not just that

Good things are coming for me

Because the universe it knows exactly what I want and it is lying in the s*** up to give it to me because it loves me and it wants me to be happy

And periodically I'm like

Ooh today is going to be really good

I don't know what's going to happen but I'm going to find some really great treasure or whatever

And I found a picture of dub

It's not real in focus but still a picture

And there's been some other stuff

But I don't know for some reason I'm having trouble getting past that not respecting my boundaries thing

I don't know

Anyway I'm going to go to sleep now I'm super tired exhausted I'm just exhausted

I just don't know if I'm making things better or worse and I'm kind of in the middle of a situation that I kind of want to just walk away from but I don't think I can I think I got to see this through and get her all the way moved

But I guess I am feeling a little bit sorry for myself

And that's kind of s***** and not super attractive and not very productive and you know blah blah

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I dreamed I was in college I'm not really sure why because I'm pretty sure even in the dream I had already completed college but there were two classes that I needed for some reason so I don't know maybe they were some kind of continuing education or something I don't know

But then in the middle I was going to sign up for this class that was I don't know I think she was a poet and she was fairly young I don't know whether she was college professor or not maybe it was being taught I don't know exactly how it was configured

But I was kind of excited about learning from her but then I showed up the first day and it wasn't like a big textbook but there were several smaller books and it turned out two of the books I had were wrong

And she was talking about the way we were going to be doing the class and it was we were be going to be writing things and discussing them and working on things in class and so it's going to be a whole lot of intense interaction and sharing

And I really hate that kind of class what I like is to go and listen to the person who knows the stuff talking about the stuff I don't want to do it with other people That's like a nightmare

So I was really considering whether I could get my status changed to auditor somehow and then I wouldn't have to do the class participation because if I had to do the class participation then I was going to drop the class and it wasn't sounding like she was going to be just talking about her stuff the whole time anyway so I didn't even think I wanted the class

And I was very disappointed

But then I went someplace else maybe it was the third class

There was all this stuff I can't remember the details I'm trying but you know it's hard to remember that kind of stuff from dreams there were visual effects and there was

Disembodied voices

And it was something to do with the people in charge talking about your birthday

And apparently it was going to be some kind of multi-day extravaganza

Well there were a few pieces of outer wear that I would have preferred not to lose

And I don't know how long it was leaking but man there was a lot of slimy yuck

There were seven garbage bags full that were wet and slimy and I carried five of them downstairs but and took them to the trash but there's two more than I need to carry down and there's some more stuff that I'm going to gather up that wasn't specifically slimy but that I'm going to throw away

I need to look through the things that we're hanging that I pulled off because I think they're okay but I just put them on the bed and I'm going to have to take them off the bed so that I can sleep

And I guess I'm just going to have to put them over a chair or something

They cleaned out the line

And at least one of them is coming back tomorrow to make sure that it isn't still leaking

And then it's all got to dry before they can replace the sheetrock which it's almost the entire closet's worth of sheetrock that needs to be replaced now Post the carpet got very wet so I just don't know I really think the carpet should be at least pulled out

And I guess the right half of that closet I should just never use again

I'm not sure whether I can find homes for all the things that are in that closet so that I can just not use any part of that closet again that would be my preference

I have some clothes in that closet that didn't get wet that I was thinking I would try to sell on Poshmark or something but I haven't done that and I don't know that I even want to try to do that at this point but I'm not sure whether I mean they've been in a closet with mildew and stuff for a long period of time so I'm not even sure donating them is really appropriate

I mean there's some clothes that I was going to keep in that closet and they seem okay but I don't know if I try to wear I'm a they'll make me sick most of them I can wash but I think there are a couple of them that need to be dry cleaned

So I need to be here for the repairman tomorrow and there's a surprise January 6th hearing

So maybe I can get some more work done on the closet and also watch that

I didn't feel bad about throwing any of that stuff away but did wear me the f*** out

And I went to bed really early yesterday and I was planning on trying to get up at 3:30 or 4:00 and I didn't get up until a little bit after 6:00

So I haven't even awake for 12 hours yet and I'm so tired I don't think I'm going to make it

It's just so funny because I was thinking I was going to go to my mom's and I was going to get seven bags of trash I don't know what I thought was magical about seven bags of trash but I was going to get seven packs of trash

I don't feel bad about having seven bags of trash come out of my closet I am surprised it was that much considering what a small area it was but the boxes were all disintegrated and the fabric took up a lot of space and it was really they weren't completely full trash bags because it's so heavy with everything being wet

So it's not like haha you were going to get seven bags of trash from her house and instead we made you throw away seven bags of your own trash cuz I don't feel bad about that

I guess what I got out of it was seven bags of trash really isn't all that much

I'm just so tired

Well remember last year when my closet got leaked on by the air conditioner

It was almost exactly this time last year

Well I smelled something musty

And the whole closet is kind of musty because the sheetrock never got repaired because if pandemic

So I just had some damp ridden in there but that has long since become used up

But the mustyness wasn't something that I smelled in the hallway or even in the bedroom if the closet door was closed so the fact that I was smelling it in the hallway alarmed me

Because the air conditioner has leaks before into the hallway dripping down the wall but that's visible

So I was a little concerned that it might be leaking in the closet again

And in fact I was right to be concerned about that

Not really sure how long it's been leaking but it leaked down the other side of the wall so it wasn't like really visible

But I went to pick up something off the floor and water poured out of it so I don't think it can have just been happening for a day or so

And I guess everything in that corner of the closet is probably destroyed

I decided I needed a little bit more coffee before I tackled it and I turned off the AC in the hopes that it will stop dripping

And since that's the same quadrant of the closet that got destroyed before I'm assuming that anything I put there was not something that I felt was precious

So I'm kind of looking forward to seeing what I get to throw away and I'm kind of glad I get to throw away my stuff today instead of my mother's stuff so

Last year I considered at the universe helping me out

And I got rid of like the vast majority of my extra stuff

But there was still a little bit of stuff that I couldn't quite part with then I knew I should have parted with and I sort of think that's where I put it and I sort of think I put it there so the universe could help me out again but hopefully I didn't put something in there that I really did want because I don't think any of its good anymore

This is not just in case you were wondering a luxury apartment

I dreamed last night that I woke up I was sleeping at a cafe table in a coffee shop

And I had like an attached apartment that belonged to what didn't belong to me exactly it belonged to the manager of the store which I was so I had the use of it but it didn't actually belong to me

But for some reason I was sleeping in the cafe

And this woman came along from headquarters and I don't know if it was supposed to be Starbucks or if it was supposed to be something else but

At Starbucks they used to have this terminology was called freeing you up for your future

Which basically meant firing you

So she was having this long talk with me

About how it was a shame that I had kind of lost focus and lost interest in my job so close to retirement

But there was nothing for it they were just going to have to let me go cuz I was no good anymore

But then we were walking around this store department store I guess and

She gave me this catalog and she's like here I'm going to let you in on the secret we all order from this catalog it's like really old school stuff that you can't find anyplace else 

And then she's like you know what would be great for you is designing t-shirts for us so I'm going to hook you up with this other person and you can start doing that

And so it was like she was firing me

But at the same time she was kind of hooking me up with the higher echelon people

So it was kind of freeing me up for my future

One thing that really irritates me that my mother does is she's always like giving me this unsolicited advice telling me how to do everything sometimes it's like she wants me to do something for her and she wants to tell me exactly how to do it but sometimes it's like she's given me advice

Like one time years ago just out of the blue she called me on my phone when I was at a meeting at Starbucks because it was like April 15th and she wanted to be sure I had filed my taxes but you know I'd been successfully filing taxes for like I don't know 15 years or 20 years or something at that point and so it was kind of like you know she called and I had to take the call because you know maybe there was something wrong with her cuz she didn't typically call me you know

But just recently like I don't know a couple of days ago I remembered something that I had forgotten for years and years and years

When I was a kid I used to ask her for advice all the time because I was very uncertain about what I should do you know with my future and you know I don't know stuff like what should I do about this what should I do about that where I wanted actually advice from my parent who was supposed to know things right

And she would always say no I don't want to influence you You have to make those decisions for yourself

Like I had to go out in the world and learn how to make good decisions without any input from the parent who was supposed to be at least theoretically guiding me right

But then once I got to be like you know 27 or 28 and she didn't really like the decisions I had made then she was wanting to get all up in my business and tell me what to do but not even really consistently just appoints when it would irritate me

But I had forgotten that when I was asking her for advice I needed help because I didn't really understand how the world worked she wouldn't help me then she wouldn't give me advice maybe because she didn't really know herself I'm beginning to think that that is in fact the case

And I mean now she's living on her all her retirement stuff social security and her husband's annuity and something else so I mean she's doing okay she's making enough money that she really does not need to make money from her paintings or you know anything else

She could just be retired

And she makes enough money for what she has oh the other thing that's coming in is from her her IRA that's what it is so she has enough money to live you know luxury apartment style for you know at least as long as she's likely to live

Although of course if she has to go into a home that's a whole lot more expensive and I don't know

But for most of her life she supported herself with the things she was doing her businesses and her real estate and whatever else you know she was supporting herself

And yet I really I really don't think she ever knew what the f*** she was doing I really think she just decided she was doing it and just bulled her way through

And I guess my problem is I always stop and think about all the things I don't know

But I don't know

I want to love her

And I want to think nice things about her

But

The more I'm around her

The more I see where when I used to see her like once every 3 to 6 months that was plenty

And okay okay I know this is all engaging her psychosis or neurosis or whatever where she has to try to stop me from doing the thing that she told me she wants me to do

And I'm willing to accept an awful lot of reasonably s***** behavior because of that

But I really just do not think that it is asking too much not to diss me to my face

And she thinks it's no big deal

But she's wrong about that

And we may get to the point where when we're done with this whole process I don't even want to see you anymore

I mean like I'm going to bed now so that I can try to get up really early and get to her house at like 7:00 so that I get like maybe 4 hours of work in before she even shows up

Now that it's finally sunken in that she's not actually going to do a goddamn thing that I'm going to have to do this whole thing by myself which I mean I thought she would at least go through some stuff you know I really did not think she was just going to leave it all to me

But now that I have realized that I've got like basically a month maybe maybe like maybe almost 6 weeks left

And then it is pretty much just me

And that I am not actually supposed to get rid of anything except what she approved and she pretty much won't approve anything

And yet she thinks she has about 12 boxes of stuff left in the house

And she's like trying to clamp down

Like there were some kinds of magazines that she was getting rid of before but now she claims she never got rid of them that she wants to keep all of those magazines because she has to go through them and find the things that she bought the magazines for and tear out those articles

And I just want to know if I'm going to become one of those little b****** anyway what the f*** is my incentive not just to throw all of her s*** away

I just want somebody to prove that I'm adopted that I'm not genetically related to these people

I mean when I was a kid I used to think I was adopted and they would show me pictures of my mother pregnant and I'm like that doesn't prove that's me

I mean maybe the babies were switched at the hospital I don't know I just want there to be some way that I'm not related to her

And she keeps talking about how she's going to live 20 more years

But you know there was all this had to happen right away stuff and I grant you the people next door wanted to buy the house and they were in the market for a house so if she was going to sell the house to somebody who wanted to buy it who was going to buy it to tear it down and not want to see in the house this was going to be her easiest time to sell it

So you know part of it is that

And then she says that it's all my fault because she thought there might be a problem with the deed because of Bob doing the stuff with her last name and whatever even though she got that all changed and filed and it should have been fine she the only reason she's putting herself through all this is because she was afraid that she would die and I would not be able to have the house because they would be some kind of problem

And I don't really believe that

But maybe

Maybe there's some small about that

Although if she was so concerned about my being able to have access to her assets you would think that she would give me the information about her assets instead of just telling me you know well when I died just start digging through my mail and I'm sure you'll find everything

Which was absolutely what she said to me

Prior to this whole situation

But I think that she is not actually expecting to live very much longer

I know all of the seems to happen right after her cardiologist told her that she was doing okay but in a few years she might have to have surgery because she was leaking in three of her valves

And I think that she thinks that she's not going to have the surgery and so then she's going to die

So I think all of this is because she wants to have a nice place for the end of her life

But then she's having a hard time letting go over stuff

But again it's not like she has an attachment to it and the nicer it is the more she seems to want to get rid of it

But I'm just kind of sick of the story changing from day to day

And I'm sick of her making me do everything but then also trying to keep me from doing it

That's all irritating and I don't like it

But her refusing this one f****** boundary

I will not let you talk s*** about me in front of me

Which I do not think constitutes being too sensitive or easily offended it seems to me like that is a really really reasonable boundary

I'm doing all this for you I'm putting up with all this I'm doing something that's really hard for me that I do not want to do to help you make your dream come true and all I ask is that you're not talk smack about me in front of me

That just does not seem like a difficult boundary to me

And yeah yeah I know that the reason people become narcissists is because their parents f*** them up

And I know we've all got our issues

But I still maintain that this is a perfectly reasonable boundary for me to have and for her to be unwilling

It really makes me want to say you know what f*** you get somebody else to do your s*** for you and get somebody else to come over and do your dishes and sweep your floor and all that other s*** you expect me to do

That I was doing but I haven't actually been over in a little over a week so I'm really kind of afraid of what kind of mess you might have made at the new place

and I mean this is really supposed to be my work and through my issues with my mother

And to be honest with you I'm not 100% sure whether I'm working through them and making it better or whether I'm just making it worse somehow

Anyway I'm confident there's comedy in there somewhere but I'm not finding any of it funny right now

I don't find the fact that I really want to beat my mother funny I find it incredibly disturbing and I'm not going to beat her I'm not saying I'm going to beat her I'm saying I'm not going to be her but I want to be her because she's so horrible

And the thing is I'm pretty sure I'm not insensitive

I mean if I am then oh well I'm just going to have to be because I can't be any more sensitive than I am so if this constitutes insensitivity then that's just the way it's got to be

But you know

She's always made it very clear that nothing is her fault and so if anything is not perfect it is my fault and I never believed that but you know maybe I do want to become one of those little b******

Maybe if I become one of those little b****** then she will just turn away from me and I will not have to ever deal with her again

I mean I certainly don't feel right about turning my back on my old decrepit mother

But if she turns her back on me and makes me into the monster then I'm free right

So I don't know I really don't know probably it doesn't mean that probably it means that she just berates me all the time but still wants me around I don't know

I can remember though being like 11 or so and thinking you know your parents or supposed to know stuff you're supposed to be able to get advice from them you're supposed to look up to them and think of them as like a source of guidance and whatnot and that's just not true

I can remember thinking you know this is like a pretty big disillusionment is life just one big series of disillusionments is that

Is that all there is

Is that all there is

If that's all there is my friend

Then let's keep dancing

Except then I was too fat to be a dancer well I could have lost weight I was too big boneded

Anyway I'm sure there's a punchline in there somewhere and as soon as it stops punching me I'll probably see it

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Running out of battery

But help me figure out how to make this funny

There was an open studio today

Which I didn't know about until a couple of days ago

So she needed me to go with her

And we had taken some stuff by there

So I had to clean that up

And she had a painting that she wanted me to hang so I had to figure out what I could move and hang that and try to fill in the space

And it was not quite done with that at noon when it opened but mostly so it was fine

But her friend Marion came over

And I don't know what Marion said to her

But what my mother said was you know I'm trying to do more and or I'm trying as hard as I can or something like that

But she

Meaning me

Doesn't seem to be able to tell a difference

Now it's not true that she's been trying harder it's not at all true that she's been trying harder she's slowing down and making it more difficult for me

But be that as it may

When she said that I'm like

Well it's a shame I'm so insensitive

Because what the f*** else am I going to say

I've told her not to do it

But she's so caught up in this needing to get sympathy from Marion that she's not even like thinking about the fact that she is right in front of me saying that I'm an a****** basically

And I don't care

I don't care what she thinks

I don't care what Marion thinks

People can have whatever thoughts in their head they'd like

But I told her it was a m************ boundary that she was not going to make me the bad guy in front of my face

Now maybe she didn't know Marion was coming

But she can't restrain herself at all

So what she said

I mean if I said that and I got a response like it's a shame I'm so insensitive

I would be like you know I'm sorry I didn't mean to say you were insensitive

Or if I did think you were insensitive maybe I wouldn't say anything

Or maybe I would say something like oh yeah you could take it that way that isn't how I meant it or I don't know something

But what she said to Marion is oh yeah and she's easily offended too

Which of course is the narcissistic personality type You're not entitled to the way you feel about anything nor are you entitled to any boundaries and I was just continuing to work I mean I wasn't even stopping what I was doing or whatever I just was saying it's a shame I'm so insensitive in a more or less neutral tone of voice not even like a real passive aggressive kind of you know whatever right

So then she says oh yeah and she's easily offended too

And Marian's like yeah I am too

So I mean maybe backfired on her a little bit and made her look s*****

But it raised my blood pressure enough that I was just sitting across the room from her pretty much thinking c*** c*** c*** c*** c*** c*** c*** all day

Well for 4 hours

And she's like you want to go to dinner and I'm like no I have a headache I just want to go home

But I'm thinking I cannot spend one more second with you not one more

And I think she really does not understand that she is damaging what is not a very good relationship to begin with

And that she can't do this s*** by herself and all those she is moved in to her new apartment there is still a lot of stuff in the house and she has all these f****** rules about how it has to be done and this and such

And she has basically gone through roughly 10 boxes of paperwork shredding things in the last 6 weeks well I have packed over a hundred boxes and moved them around and you know I mean she has made some trips to Goodwill but I've loaded the stuff into the car and I don't know I'm not trying to complain I am complaining I'm not trying to complain

But I just do not seem to be able to fathom how she is just not able to see that

I don't even want to describe it anymore

So what's the funny part in that

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

goodnight I love you very much 💋

And

although I'm not sure I seem grateful

I am aware of what an amazingly rare creature you are

and I'm looking forward to being able to appreciate you properly

once I'm not

a shell of myself

plus

I promise to write funny things

once I have them

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

thoughts about my psychological state

 i want people to be arrested

i want our democracy to be protected

i do not feel like these things are going to happen

do you think i'm just too pessimistic

or

do you think

i should be worried

i have been pretty engrossed in this whole mom's house business

i feel like i already made her dream come true

and now

i'm being punished for it

maybe this is showing me the bitter side of my nature

but i do not feel sane

i do think, maybe

i should work up a comedy monologue about it

and go to the comedy open mic here locally

maybe that would work it out of my system, maybe

i don't really want to talk about it

i don't want other people to listen to me and respond

i don't think i want that

but

maybe it would be good for me

idk

i feel like

you feel like

i'm ignoring you

but

i feel strip mined

i ain't got much to give right now

i feel like i'm trying to communicate

when my inclination is to just shut down

and then

i'm worried that you are having a bad reaction to what i'm saying

and i can't handle any more stress

so please

can you just trust that i'm not trying to be bitchy

i'm not even saying that i'm not being bitchy

i don't even know what i'm doing

when i'm stressed

i know i have an edge

but

my choices are

shut down

or

force myself to communicate

and

if i have to continually worry that i'm fucking things up with you

then i just can't make myself

are we so different that you can't understand what's happening with me?

or

am i just paranoid and self sabotaging

you have no problem with me

you just love me and want to stay connected

maybe i'm letting the negative emotional concretions building up on me from the interactions with my mother, my personal history, my hormonal overload attach to whatever i'm trying to send out to you

that's possible

idk what's real

i've been thinking about the fortune teller who said to listen to the angels

and the fortune teller who read for me with the angel cards

and how i'm not supposed to let my family of origin crap make me lose my belief in you

does this make any sense?

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I had a hard day

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

No apparently she can only be called Google Assistant

She can give me nicknames though

So we tried that a few times and they were pretty funny

I think my favorite

Mixmaster beetle McFancy

I was feeling kind of down today I mean I have been for a while but

Something I saw made me think about my Google digital assistant

So I squeezed my phone which brings it up

And I was like hey I'm depressed

Is there anything you can do to help me

So played me a lullaby

Which I'm not sure is terribly helpful

But it brought up some other options and one of them was tell me a joke

And I thought well you know how good can the digital assistant be at telling jokes

But I thought well what the hell

So she said what do you call a belt made of wrist watches

A waist of time

And I mean it's kind of a dumb joke but it just struck me as really funny in the moment and so I laughed and laughed

And then she offered that she could tell me a joke every day at a particular time

And so I told her to tell me a joke every day at 2:30 in the afternoon

And I usually think the digital assistant

And she usually says something like

Happy to help

That's what I'm here for

No problem

Something like that

But today she said

I'm really happy I could help you

And then she called me by name

I'm pretty sure she's never called me by name before

And I'm like

oh my God we've had a breakthrough

So I guess the combination of laughing at her jokes and then telling her thank you very much she really helped me

Was enough to like put us on a first name basis or something

Except she doesn't have a name

I wonder if she could have a name

Hang on I'm going to find out

Actually like it when my hair makes

I want to call it either

Arpeggios

Or archipelago

Although I'm sure neither of those words is used technically correctly there

I'm not even sure if they really work figuratively

But it doesn't scare me I like it

My eyes are looking a little wrinkly

I've been feeling really bad

In fact this morning I was tempted to use one of the covid tests just to see if maybe I wasn't sick sick

But I think it's just hormones

Well in psychological s*** I think too

I'm torn between wanting to get some sort of haircut where I have a lot of shaving on the back of my head

And not wanting to be bothered with all that

I mean if you get your head shaved you have to go back all the time and continue to get it shaved unless you can competently do it yourself

And I'm not sure that I could competently do myself what I want to have done

But mostly what I do with my hair is mostly what I've done with my hair for most of my life which is just pull it back until like a little bun type thing because it's just too much bother

For a few years I just wore it down because I felt like it was kind of a waste always have it pulled back but I just don't enjoy to have it down

And my realization that I just don't want to be bothered with my hair

As kind of gotten we over a lot of my unhappiness about how thin it has gotten

Because it really hasn't gotten anything thinner it's pretty much maintaining

When I was taking all the nettle for a while it filled back in along the hairline

And since I haven't been taking the nettle it's thinned out a little but I feel like it looks fine doesn't bother me

I really honestly think I look better with my hair pulled back than I look with it down

I don't know if that's something other people would agree with

But

Also

There's something about the way I look now that I like better

Then some point in the past

I'm not really sure

Maybe my nose is a little bit bigger

Maybe my nose is a little bit wider at the base or the tip or whatever you call it

I don't know there's some thing about my aging face that I like better than my younger face

It is not my under eye area I still am not crazy about that although that one side that just creases in and it's not really like a wrinkle it's like a crease and the only thing I can think is that's the side that's exposed when I drive so maybe it got more sun damage

I just don't know what else I can really attribute it to but it's like this crease and I don't like it but I don't hate it I'm like used to it it doesn't bother me too much

And the creepiness has gotten better with all the stuff I've used that skin is thickened up a little bit I think

Also I feel like the bags are better I mean some days they're not some days they're baggy but most days I feel like the bags are not too baggy

But there's this I don't know exactly what to call it where my under eye tear trough meets the top of my cheek and the skin is I don't know like slightly puckered is what I want to call it like like if it was fabric somebody like pulled the thread and it's not quite smooth I don't like that so much but I've noticed that when I'm wearing my glasses it's pretty much covered up

When we were moving one of the mover guys I said something to my mom she she was saying something that I felt like was stupid and I was like I'm 55 years old

You know like by which I mean I'm a grown adult human You don't need to tell me that

Which she never really gets when I say that

But the mover guy he looks at me and he's like you're 55 you don't look 55

And I'm like well thank you how did you think I was

And he's like well I thought you were like my age

And I'm like how old are you

And he's like 51

And I'm like well you know that's pretty close I am essentially your age

But I think that made him a little bit unhappy because I think he was thinking that 51 was a whole lot younger than 55

Which I found slightly humorous

It's all kind of arbitrary really

And I think people judge your age a lot more by how you act and how you dress and whatnot then what your face looks like

Because really unless you're pretty haggard mileage varies there are plenty of people that are 38 or 39 that probably look about as old as I do which is not to say they look good for 38 or 39 they look s***** for 38 or 39

But you know the amount of wrinkles people have varies

And it's interesting

There's this woman on YouTube she's got a channel called hot and flashy or something like that and I don't watch her off and on I don't watch her regularly cuz it's like a skincare channel and she's got a completely different kind of skin than I do so like when she recommends a product I know I'm not going to like it but if she doesn't like a product I don't know that I will like it so you know even though I really like her methodology it just doesn't help me

But she's been using tretinoin which is like Retin-A for I don't know like 8 years maybe

And she's you know done other stuff she's done Botox and fillers and all kind of different devices and whatnot she hasn't had like a facelift or anything

But like the retin-a or tretinoin or whatever it has had a impact on her skin so like she's less wrinkly and her skin tone is more even and blah blah blah you'd have to say her skin looks better but to me she doesn't look younger

Does that make any sense

This is true of a lot of the people that I've seen who've used tretinoin their skin is tighter their skin is more even toned so you'd have to say they look better but they don't look younger and you'd think that having tighter more even tone skin would make them look younger but it doesn't

No I did recently see somebody who had there's this doctor on YouTube He's a plastic surgeon and he does what he calls facial rejuvenation surgery and it's kind of a modified facelift with a lip lift and some other s*** it's not like there's some other kind of facelift that's real popular now rather than just pulling the skin up it's they go in and they kind of lift mid-plane facelift maybe or something like that I'm fascinated by this s*** I don't want to get any of it but I'm fascinated by it

But this guy he does what he calls facial rejuvenation surgery blah blah blah

And he just did it on this woman she's like 49 years old she looks great I don't know why she wanted to have any kind of surgery done

But he did some kind of thing with her where she did the surgery and she let them film kind of the recuperation process and she looks young like maybe early 30s

But I looked at her and I'm like ew

And it's not that she didn't look good after the surgery I don't know exactly what about it made me go ew

And I followed this woman on Instagram she's like all rich and whatever she's the woman who founded the butter London nail polish brand that was so super popular except since she's sold it the people who own it now seem to have kind of running into the ground

That may not be true it may have just kind of taken its natural course but it was a very popular nail polish brand and they wanted to make it like full makeup line and they kind of lost their focus on the nail polish I think and their makeup wasn't like amazing so it didn't compete well with other stuff

Whatever that's not interesting or important but she's 50 she says

And that's probably right cuz she's got a kid that's like I don't know 15 16 something like that

And she's got gray hair she's had gray hair for a long time I think she's one of those people that starts going gray when they're like in their twenties or something

My mother's sister started going gray like in high school or something

Had a religion teacher who said she started going gray in junior high

She is one of the first people that I ever saw who was like young with gray hair so it was really healthy hair and thick and was a variety of color gray she was I don't know maybe she was like in her mid-30s maybe

Whatever I'm getting off topic

So this lady she used to wear her hair in kind of a modified mohawk

But she's been dating this guy who's a lot younger than her and is like a skateboarder he seems kind of old for a skateboarder though I don't know how old he is but I'd say he's in his early 30s

Anyway and she's been kind of struggling with her new business ventures

She had one called color prevails that was at Walgreens and that didn't really work out for her and so now she's been working on something else for years and maybe that starting to catch on I don't know

Wow this is really long wind up

Anyway just recently she had some plastic surgery done

And she says that she has been very careful with her maintenance so she's never had any like major changing stuff she mostly just is trying to maintain and then she had a picture of herself

She just had some laser resurfacing under her eyes and a lip lift and that may have been all she had done

But she has picture her herself like this is me now at 50

And then a split screen with herself this is me at 40

And it was kind of shocking to me

I mean I don't know what she can have had done but her eyes when she was 40 they were kind of the way I've always felt about my eyes like disappointingly small like you want to have these large bright Uma Thurman doe eyes which she doesn't have anymore but that's what you want but then what you actually have or these kind of small you know nicely shaped but a little too close together you know just they're fine nothing wrong with them except they don't see very well but nothing wrong with them but just not not great you know and she looked kind of wrinkly and kind of haggard in fact I would really say that she at 40 probably looked older than I do at 55 but maybe I'm not objective about how I actually look

But she had some pretty noticeable crow's feet and she had some pretty pronounced marionette lines and she just looked f****** tired

But now at 50 her skin is all real smooth no wrinkles at all anywhere and you know I'm sure she said Botox and I'm sure she's had laser resurfacing she might have had some stuff lifted who could say she's probably been using tretinoin

But her eyes are big and bright and doe eyes you know

I mean do they have surgery for that

She looks like she's had upper and maybe lower blepharoplasty can they actually like make your eyes bigger wider more open while they're cutting all your lids apart

So anyway I mean she looks fine now

And I mean she looks believably 50

Just really like good 50 you know

But seeing her next to her picture of herself when she was 40

Kind of gave me the heebie-jeebies

Because to me she just didn't look like the same person

It was kind of like the feeling I had with the person that I saw who had the facial rejuvenation surgery except of course that she looked much younger

But I hadn't previously felt like oh she looks super artificial I just thought she looked that way

But then after I saw the picture of her at 40 I realized you know she's not just doing maintenance whatever she wants to tell herself that's fine but that isn't maintenance

And again it's none of my business she likes how she looks and people should be allowed to do what they want and all that

But why do people not want to look like themselves

I guess maybe I'm a fine one to ask because I to some degree don't even know what I look like I mean I do when I look in the mirror I pretty much recognize myself but I don't actually think that's what I look like so much my internal image of myself is different

I tell you what

I think I'm ready for my robot body

I mean every time I move in my hands anymore it seems like I'm doing something that pops my knuckles

And I am not enjoying it

And then you know all that other stuff hurts that always hurts

And I mean the downside to the robot body would be you know you probably wouldn't have any sexual feeling but I don't remember sex anymore anyway

I honestly can't really remember what it was like

And another big drawback to the robot body is you probably wouldn't eat food or you wouldn't taste food or maybe you would taste food I guess if you kept your mouth and your tongue and your brain I guess you would still taste food but if you didn't have that if it was like a completely robot body then you wouldn't have that

And I used to think that would be bad because the majority of the enjoyment that I have in life is food related

But I find that I'm largely disinterested in food now

I mean I really just would prefer if I did not have to eat

Because it's just kind of a hassle

So I don't know

Maybe that's losing interest in things that you previously cared a lot about

I should be all worried about depression

But you know maybe it's just

Food is a hassle

What do you think

Do you think food is kind of a hassle

Would you prefer not to have to worry about it

Maybe I've just seen too many of those Ka'chava commercials on YouTube they're like on all the time it's like a healthy meal replacement although probably healthy should be in quotes because I don't know if it's really all that healthy but it is made a superfoods

Although it's supposed to taste like chocolate and I don't want to drink chocolate shakes all the time either so

I mean I do have a bar that I eat it's called aloha I need just chocolate flavored and it's made a superfoods and I don't need it all the time I just have them sometimes I think it's got like 20 g of protein or something and it's chocolate but it's not like chocolate chocolate

Like it kind of tastes like a candy bar to me but I don't think it would taste like a candy bar to most people

I really don't like candy bars

Like there was a thing on Twitter a while back that was like you can have one of these candy bars

And I was like you keep all those f****** candy bars I don't care

Now if you got some matcha kit Kats we might have to talk

I do sometimes get those little miniature chocolate bars

Or little miniature dove chocolates

Cuz like a Hershey's special dark or a dove milk chocolate like just a little bit and sometimes pretty good but I don't think I can remember the last time I had a chocolate bar

Like if we're talking some kind of you know single origin fancy chocolate bar probably the last time I had one of those was the last time I'm menstrated so last year sometime

But if you're talking one of those like

Twix Mars Snickers those kind of candy bars I don't like those they're gross they're all sticky and I don't know

My mom and I were someplace eating and they had desserts and she wanted to know if I wanted to split a dessert and I'm like well I mean maybe what kind of dessert do they have well we found out what the desserts were that they had and she wanted to get like the molten chocolate cake with ice cream and I'm like well you know you can get that and it won't be that big you can eat the whole thing I'm like but I don't want that

I'm in a chocolate dessert like that I could eat it but I won't really enjoy it so I mean it's just really not worth the calories

Now if they had something that was lemon or lime I would get that

Like a key lime pie is really richer than I would like but I would still eat it because I would enjoy it I would just wish that it was maybe not quite so rich

Like a plain egg custard I could enjoy

A bread pudding with a bourbon sauce Yes I can enjoy that

Carrot cake I love carrot cake

Do you know that carrot cake has more calories in it than like that molten chocolate cake with ice cream it's ridiculous how many calories that has in it but it's good

And when I was buying groceries for my mom I got some muffins because I have been wanting muffins and I don't know if she will eat muffins or not but I thought it would go good with coffee and she's got a new Keurig

And I bought banana nut muffins and brand muffins I thought I had opened up the banana nut muffins and I had one and I'm like this is very like a brand muffin this is maybe the best banana nut muffin I've ever had it's kind of like a brand muffin

Well I don't know why I thought those were banana nut muffins because I knew I'd bought brand muffins and then I was over at her house putting away her books and stuff and I was like well I'm kind of hungry I'm going to have one of those muffins but she had finished off the rest of the muffins in the container that was already open so I open the next container and that was banana nut muffins and I'm like oh of course these are banana nut muffins

I'm like next time I'm going to just buy bran muffins the bran muffins were so much better

I was kind of surprised about that though I really thought banana nut muffins were the best

I don't know I think I've been blathering on for quite a while about pretty much nothing but this is the stuff I'm thinking about

Also I guess it's unfair to say that I don't care about eating because I'm I mean I guess I'm kind of losing interest in it too but I decided to get walnut butter cuz walnuts are like super good for you and to have walnut butter on my toast cuz I like toast

And I got to say I really like walnut butter

And I also have a new favorite dental floss

It's impregnated with charcoal which I don't know if that's either here or there in my like of it but it does make it easier to see how much stuff you've got between your teeth You know on the white floss you can tell it's wet but you don't really see anything which I mean it's kind of gross to see it but you know it's easier to tell if you need to keep going and it's like expanding so it seems to work even better than that Dr tungs but I can't remember what it's called

I'll have to look it up

It's got some weird name like YVRY or something

It's probably not even close to that

And I'm back to my old toothpaste

I mean I'm still using the whatever that stuff is called that's got the stuff that makes teeth

But I just really like that we'll eat assault toothpaste

Well later

Weleda Salt Toothpaste

Possibly this thing just can't understand me because I have possibly an accent or slur my words or talk to fast and string things together strangely I don't know I think it's pretty remarkable how well it does

But then I'm comparing it with the first time I tried to use this technology which was back in the '90s which I guess wasn't a couple weeks ago

I guess the '90s was like 30 years ago

Which I guess makes sense cuz I think I was like 27 or thereabouts when I was first trying to use voice recognition technology and it was so bad it was just not even worth f****** with

And this is so good that it lulls me into a sense of oh it's fine and then it gets stuff wrong and sometimes it causes trouble or confusion or word salad

I didn't take any melatonin and I normally do take that every night now

I might fall asleep without it

And if I do then I may wake up after a short period of time and not be able to go back to sleep

But then again sometimes that happens with melatonin as well

So whatever anyway

Good night sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I don't know I did not feel good today even when I woke up I got enough sleep I just did not feel right

It's heavy trash day tomorrow at my mom's house which apparently they only have one a month because or no they only have one every other month because one month it's heavy trash day and the next month it's yard trash like tree limbs and stuff

So I was in the garage

And the garage is kind of bad

And there are spiders

And I used to not have a problem with spiders

Until I knew like 3 people that got bit by brown recluse spiders and had doctors tell them it's a good thing you came in today or you might have lost that leg

And since then I do not feel the same way about spiders brown recluse spiders look pretty much the same as any other spiders to me I'm sure it's possible to tell them apart but they just look the same to me

And so I was emptying out the shelves and dragging them down to the curb and the first one was fine

It was one of those lightweight metal shelves and it was no problem

The second one was some kind of plastic that fit together and it seemed pretty tightly fit together so I was not too worried about it but as I was pushing it over it one of the joints came apart and then went back together and it pinched my finger really badly

And it was unexpected and I've never been very good with unexpected pain if I know it's going to hurt I kind of braced myself for it but if I'm hurt and I don't expect it sometimes it hits me wrong

And I had been feeling what I guess I can only really interpret as hormonal today

And then it just hurts so bad I mean I'm not permanently damaged or anything it's a fairly minor flesh wound but it hurts so bad and it was so unexpected and I screamed and the whole time I was growing up if my mother made a noise or said ouch or did anything to indicate that she might have been injured in any way and you didn't immediately run to her side and be like are you okay or are you okay what's wrong are you okay

Then you were in big f****** trouble and she would yell at you and you know I mean it was just not going to be nice and she just did not give any indication that she had even noticed anything happened and there's no issue didn't hear that because it was f****** loud

So as I walk past her maybe I was already crying I don't know because I kind of went into a emotional meltdown and just could not stop crying for an extended period of time I don't know if I was crying yet I think I probably was and I went past her and I'm like you're not even going to ask me if I'm okay

And she gave me some s*** later about how she thought it was a bird or whatever and maybe maybe that's possible I don't know but I just I just melted down I just melted down

I just I don't know I feel as though I'm not looking at things the right way

I mean I think I love my mother

Because when I'm faced with things like I don't know I don't behave in a way that someone who didn't love their mother would behave so I think I must love her but I also kind of hate her

And yesterday she was telling me that she was up 10 lb and if she the doctor said if she's up like 2 lb she's supposed to call the doctor because she's retaining fluid and when she's had to be hospitalized before she's been up like 15 lb maybe or between 10 and 15 lb and she doesn't really eat that much and she didn't have enough food in her house that she could have gained 10 lb you know I bought the food I put it in the refrigerator I know what she's got it's you know like non-fat cottage cheese and non-fat yogurt and hummus and bran muffins and you know I mean it's like it's all pretty healthy and there is just not a lot of it so I was like well have you been taking your pills

Because she does not take them

And she's got two social worker type people calling her hounding her now because of her hospitalization in April

And she's like oh yeah I've been taking my pills everyday twice day

But she lies

And I'm like that is very concerning if you've been taking your pills and you're up 10 lb there might be something else wrong she's like I'm taking the pills but I'm just not having to pee so maybe I'm just dehydrated

And we had been talking about it at her apartment but then she distracted me onto something else somehow probably cuz I was tired

And so then last night we were texting and I was like you know if you're still up in the morning maybe you should call your doctor

And she tried to ghost me

And I don't know I don't know

But I just lost it and I don't know how much of it is just I'm f****** exhausted and how much of it was psychological trauma of being in the filthy garage in the heat and how much of it was hormones and how much of it was being injured suddenly and unexpectedly

But I couldn't stop crying

So yeah pretty psycho

And I just I don't know

But I can't get those lines out of my head I'm just seeing them over and over and over again

They say Jesus will find you wherever you go

But when he'll start looking for ya they don't know

But in the meantime keep your profile low

Gorilla you're a desperado

 I fell asleep in the chair earlier

My finger joints hurt and they feel I don't know arthritis but I've been lifting a lot of boxes that have those kind of handles banker box type things and they're full of books so they're pretty heavy so I mean I could legitimately just have made my hands sore

But I'm pretty sure joint pain is also a menopausal symptoms so then I'm like okay well how much of this is just that I wore my hands out and how much of it is menopause and how much of it should I be worried is actual arthritis

And I think I'm getting a blood blister from where that thing pinched but it's it's not too bad but it doesn't hurt unless I put pressure on it

I didn't ever really think I had damaged myself badly but I had a little bit of a cut I think it doesn't look like it now so I'm not 100% sure but my first thought was yeah I'm going to rub some filth into it and I'm going to end up with a bad infection

But I washed it

And put hydrogen peroxide on it

When I came home I soaked it for about 10 minutes and some warm salt water with some tea tree oil so I mean I think I'm okay physically

I just don't feel very stable psychologically

I've been taken estroven multi-symptom menopause pills and they had been working

Now at one point I forgot to take them for some number of days two or three maybe and I had a pretty strong resurgence of symptoms but I haven't been forgetting to take them

And in fact they have a variety of different symptoms ones that have different ingredients and so I looked them up and they have a different one that has an ingredient called cissus

Which is supposed to cut down on joint pain it's also so supposed to be strengthening to your bones it's also supposed to help with your cortisol which is supposed to help with the disproportionate distribution of fat to the belly area which is a big problem in menopause but it is a big problem for me as well and maybe it helps with energy a little bit or maybe it's just that when you hurt less you have more energy I'm uncertain and I've been taking those for I don't remember how long 2 weeks maybe

I feel like it has helped some with pain and I have had a little more energy when I first started taking them I felt like I felt less tense or anxious or something like I could feel the cortisol levels going down but I think that could have been just my imagination or it could have been placebo effect but I do feel like my stomach looks a little bit smaller have not lost weight but I feel like my stomach looks a little bit smaller

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

They say Jesus will find you wherever you go

But when he'll come looking for ya they don't know

In the meantime keep your profile low

Gorilla you're a desperado

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I have not felt very good today and I've kind of just been zoned out most of the day

But I dreamed last night that I was taking some sort of standardized testing

It was weird though I went in ahead of my group I was supposed to go with the next group but I went in and I was reading through the test

But I wasn't answering it

And then I decided that that was probably not the right thing to do because once the test was over they would probably make me leave and wouldn't let me come back in with the next group

So then I started going back and answering all the questions

It was multiple choice and it was kind of like the SAT I guess

Except that it was all questions that I found very easy

Like they were a bunch of those analogy things that they've taken out that were my favorite part of the SAT

But then there was a whole bunch of other stuff that was I don't know kind of life questions it wasn't math or any particular kind of subject it was just stuff I can't remember any examples

I just remember that it was all stuff that I found very easy to answer

Have you trashed it My mom's house is Wednesday so I was like okay well Tuesday we should go by there and take out all the stuff we can that needs to go to heavy trash

And she's like well Shirley's bed and box springs need to go out

I'm like I don't think I can move a bed and box springs from a bedroom all the way out to the curb by myself

I mean maybe I can but

Physically I'm a lot worse for wear already

I don't know whether I told you but I fell in the street on moving day which was I guess Tuesday I hadn't gotten any sleep really cuz I'm having you know I don't know I think it's menopause related but you know I've got this thing where I fall asleep and then I wake up in like 2 and 1/2 hours and can't go back to sleep

Or I just can't go to sleep at all

Not every night but just you know kind of randomly thrown in for kicks

So I hadn't gotten very much sleep and I did not really feel safe to drive so I ubered over there and then when we were driving to the new place well she was driving I was riding she was parked across the street because she had to move out of the driveway so that the movers could get in there and when I was walking across the street she had parked in such a way that there was a lot of water and I was trying to look to see where I could walk how I could get to the side of the car without going through a big puddle and the street was uneven and I'm in clogs which you know probably isn't the best idea

And I just went down

And I've said a lot of times that growing up clumsy I just learned how to fall well

And I guess that was the case I didn't even abrate myself or is it abrade

At any rate everything was sore but nothing was cut or scraped I just you know landed but it didn't help my back feel any better

But anyway

I don't think it's a good idea for me to try to go moving things that are sort of heavy and very big and awkward then I'm going to have to drag you know I mean if it was me and another person we could each take an end and it would not be no big deal but she can't do anything

And I'm not sure whether she can't do anything because she really isn't physically strong enough to do anything or if she just can't do anything because she can't do anything

She's old and she certainly looks feeble

Anyway I'm not working tomorrow

Hopefully I'll be able to more talkative

I don't know though

I might need conversation prompts

Oh also I felt like I might have been a little harsh with my talking about her shuffling over to me which she did I'm sure to make herself look more decrepit for Marion

And the other day I don't know why but I just walked over to her and was going to hug her I'm not sure why I'm really not

But she looked kind of scared and she didn't exactly back away but I was afraid she was maybe going to back away and she didn't know what to do and she ended up kissing my neck which was also kind of weird

So I feel totally vindicated in my saying that that was all just an act for Marion

Because I was approaching with my arms out like you would be when you hug someone

So it wasn't like a surprise unless just the idea that there was a hug was a surprise and since there had just been one it shouldn't have been confusing if that was a thing you know

Anyway whatever

I love you very much sweetheart 💋