goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much
and
i'm going to bed now

and i had pancakes

hey
i don't know what happened to today
i stayed up late last night
fell asleep in the chair
and then slept late today
i got up
i'm not sure what happened then

i know i had coffee
and i checked my email
oh
and i had an email from soko glam
i'm not sure if i'd been looking at skin care before that
but i think i had

i'm almost out of the subQ
because i just had what was left over from before
the last time i freaked out, probably
it was a while ago
i had used up the subQ eyes
but i still had the face
i think i like the face better
and i had ordered the secret key starting treatment eye
because

well
i like secret key
they're cheap, but they're good
but
the way i decided on that one
instead of ordering packets of the one i've used before
which i do like--  history of whoo
was a long process of hunting

i had bought a moisturizer back before i even met you
it was 2002 and i was having no
absolutely no problems with wrinkles
but
i would periodically go and buy
i had more money then
really expensive skin care
i bought a jar of la mer
i bought some natura bisse
it was a weird self-nuture thing where i had to go to neiman's

anyway
i was remembering this moisturizer that i bought
and i took it with me to keystone colorado for a leadership conference
and i was trying to remember what it was called
it was pretty new at that point
it was the oil free version
and
it's claim to fame was it had EGF in it
now
it is dry dry dry in colorado
and my skin was just sucking this $200 light moisturizer up
yeah it was super expensive
but
after a couple days of that
my skin was like glass smooth
so
now that i'm all wrinkly
i was thinking about that stuff
and
of course i can't afford a $200 moisturizer
but
it's not new technology anymore
so i looked up EGF on neiman's website and got the name ReVive, it's called
and it's oligopeptide-1
so then i knew secret key had some EGF lines
i started lookin around
i found that one
and the packaging looks just like the SK-II eye cream
that i bought on line
from an asian site on a big sale
for my birthday
like five years ago or something
it was too expensive
but i did like it
but
i ended up not really using it
and i have nostalgia about it because i had to throw it out
anyway
i like this one better, except the smell
it smells like soap
anyway

all this is fun for me
not the wrinkles
but the research and the experimentation
and the memory lane
whatever, it might be boring, but i love it

so, anyway
i was on the niod website
trying to decide if i should buy more subQ
or if i could make it last a bit longer
if there was anything else i could add to get free shipping
because that serum is $22 and you need $30 to get free shipping
but the shipping is $6.49 so you might as well buy something else
but the other things i want are the Fractionated Eye Contour $68
or the Voicemail Mask $45 or the Superoxide Dismutase Saccharide Mist $50
i've already got a backup of The Ordinary granactive retinoid 2% emulsion $9.80
which i really love
and
that is what i'm shooting for in skin care
really affordable stuff i can slather on
not stuff i can't afford that then i'm afraid to use up
ya know what i mean

so
also
i was looking for cheap DMAE
i stopped using that a long time ago
although i thought it worked great
i had something i bought at whole foods with that in
but i read an article about how it caused "cell death" in lab conditions
now
i'm not even sure exactly what they mean by that, actually
but i had a picture in my head of my face falling off
and i decided that i didn't need to use it anymore
but
i just found out
that the whole dr. perricone line is based on DMAE
so i looked it up
and the available information is
shit yeah it's super firming
and
it's just that one study more than 15 years ago that had a problem with it
lavender oil causes "cell death" too
and
that's like the hydrogen peroxide situation
my whole body would be dead tissue
if lavender oil was bad

so i started searching
but i couldn't find anything that i'm completely happy about
i found this one last night https://www.amazon.com/Andalou-Naturals-Hyaluronic-Wrinkles-Soften/dp/B0091OCBJ4/ref=sr_1_10_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1535596442&sr=8-10&keywords=dmae%2Bserum&th=1
and i found this one https://www.amazon.com/Anti-Wrinkle-Anti-Aging-Kate-Ryan-Skincare/dp/B00BRMN23C/ref=sr_1_14_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1535596512&sr=8-14&keywords=dmae+serum
and this one https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B018VBKVPS/ref=s9_dcacsd_dcoop_bw_c_x_4_w?th=1
today

but
i'm not really enthusiastic about any of that

and then
i got the email from soko glam
which is a curated korean skin care website
i ordered missha time revolution first treatment moist edition
on a black friday special
i'm not crazy about it
so i'm using it up slowly by mixing it into dry masks, seriously

i mostly ignore their emails
but
this email had time stop collagen ampule
which caught my attention
and when i read about it
i was entranced
because

mushrooms

i have been looking for a mushroom serum
for years and years and years
origins has one, but i don't like it-- and it's pricey for what it is
the saem had a chaga one that i jumped through all kinda hoops to get
but then just didn't really like
i swear there used to be a reishi one from yves rocher
but when i went back to get it it was gone
so here is a serum
that stops time
and builds collagen
and it's 76.52% mushroom
and
there's more?!
yes, yes there is
the bottle appears to have a rose gold thing goin on
my gran gran had a ring that was rose gold
that i saw when i was a kid
and i have loved it ever since
like way way before it was popular

https://sokoglam.com/products/the-plant-base-time-stop-collagen-ampoule

it's got good reviews too

so then
idk why
but i had to look at everything else they had on the website
probably because i know they have a shipping minimum
but
i ended up just getting that
and paying $6.49 for shipping
so painful the shipping

and
if i had realized it was less than an ounce
i probably wouldn't have
but
i just caught that

and that is how i spent my day

fell asleep in the chair again
going to be now

i love you sweetheart

it's been kind of a slow day
and I should be trying to write
but
what I keep coming back to
again and again
as my mind wanders
is
what a good looking man you are
so much more attractive
even as time passes
I'm frantically
ditching the natural skin care
I've been embracing
for science
because I'm getting too wrinkly
too much for me to stand
but
you
you are like
beautifully weathered
and strong
and
I can't with you
you're just beautiful/strong

I ordered that book
I think
I'm going to enjoy the book
more that the movie
and too
it's epistolary
and how often does that happen
plus
I'm trying to figure out
how I'm writing mine
and
I've been pretty sure
I want the narrator yo be addressing
the reader
but
I've been toying with
epistolary or partial epistolary
so this will be
educational as well


hope you're having a good day
I love you

ok
very strange dream
I dreamed I was traveling with Randy
now Randy is a guy I used to work with
he's about 24
and a Republican and a sexist
it's unusual that the young ones are sexist
he's also Latino, and his father owns a liquor store
(in addition, I always got the impression)
to lots of other stuff
he always felt like he grew up
sort of rich
but
even though he's got a lot of negatives
I kinda liked him, kinda
but
not like road trip liked him
so
confusing
also
the car was full
more like
throw all your possessions in a car
zombie apocalypse style road trip
but
there was no mention of that
but
what i do remember clearly


we had to cross this road
without the car
not sure how that worked
I had this floaty thing
and
had to cross at this cloud cover
other wise I would fall to my death
and i could feel
my stomach drop
it was the weirdest thing ever
that crossing seemed like
the important part

goodnight sweetheart
I'm going to bed now
if you can meet me in dreamland
I'll be waiting
I love you very much

slept all day
and my head still hurts
but
I had amazingly dense dreams
about
I think
making a film about
the physical embodiment process
how you don't experience things
the way you did
before
and
you always long for
the full experience
but
you should focus
on the sensations of embodiment
it was a little strange
and
I was working
in a very strange place too
it was sort of outside
but
there were these glass box offices
and the management
they didn't like me much

oh, and also, good morning

but
seriously though
even though I know trump is
ya know
so many many adjective
I was a little shocked
at the whole
I mean
wrapping my brain around
the person who's supposed to be the president
saying
turning states evidence
that
that should probably
ya know, be illegal


um, dude
you're the head of STATE
you're supposed to
be like of the mind
that, ya know
the state
needs to know stuff
not
like
yeah, I been knowing guys
I been seeing it my whole life
(because you hang out
with, like, criminals?)
these people
they do this thing
it's called flipping
and
it should be illegal


I mean
just
WOW

good morning sweetheart
hope you have a great day

not gonna stay up late
going to bed now
well
after I feed the cat


goodnight sweetheart
I love you

well
i stayed up late
but
i'm going to sleep now

i love you sweetheart

I love you
hope all is well with you
trying to work my way back
to writing
I want to write you something

I had bad dreams was working in a food warehouse
I was getting orientation
because I was going to be managing
a warehouse where I worked
but
then
I came to in a coffee shop
and I seemed to have lost
five hours
and
I figured
I was fired
and
I wasn't sad
because I didn't want to do it
bit I was afraid
because I needed income

this is a little bit of a rant and a little bit of a related self-criticism

ok
so
i really want to write something
but i don't think i can write anything like literary
which would be my preference, but
i saw this last night or today
and it made me mad
and then
it made me
think
of
how this thing
that made me mad
might relate to me, or my past
behavior, because that is the general pattern
so, without further rambling about shit that doesn't
make any sense yet, let me insert two videos from youtube:

now

let me start by saying

she did film a video saying she was wrong

apologizing for marginalizing and already marginalized group

which i guess makes everything ok, maybe

but

somehow it doesn't, for me

i've watched some of her videos before

and read some of her articles

and, i mean, i gotta say

it's not like i identify with her much

we're pretty different

have pretty different life experiences

pretty different perspectives on things

however

i have enjoyed the content i have experienced

because

it seemed to come from personal experience and opinion

it seemed authentic

that's important to me

i appreciate that

this however, baffles me

this seems like she is bashing something

that she hasn't even read a book about

and she admits

in the "i was wrong" video

that she didn't know what she was talking about

so

i guess

i'm a little disillusioned

why did she make a video specifically bashing

a group of people

about whom she know absolutely nothing?

now

i have no investment in the topic

i'm not exactly in an open relationship

i'm specifically not polyamorous

the category to which i most closely match

would have to be, like, asexual

although that's not really right either

none of that is really important

i will cop to having a soft spot for the polyamorous, generally

because

well

i've enjoyed the writing of a fair few

and they seem to believe in informed consent

and, ya know, heinlein

i believe people should be free to form whatever alliances they agree to

and besides,freak flag

so

i'm not disposed to be anti consensual non-monogamy

although i have serious doubts that i could handle it personally

maybe i could

maybe i wouldn't want to

but

i have respect for people doing their own things

for example

she circumcised her two boys

a decision that i'm not sure i could have made

but

i would never make a video bashing her

for genitally mutilating her children

because

it's a complicated issue

and she is religiously observant

and

mainly

not my business, ya know

i found some of what she said

although i am not the group she is bashing

personally offensive

lean into your biology?

i am supposed to base my life and relationships

on what's "natural" for primates?

really?!

i get the whole scientific argument about biology

and

when you're talking sociologically

sometimes these arguments are sensical

broad groups of humans

big brush strokes of human needs and wants

but

when you are speaking individually

like, hey you, yeah i'm looking at you

don't you realize you only have one egg a month

you need to be careful

fuck you

on so many levels

you can tell yourself not to be a slut

but when you start telling other people not to be a slut

you just really out yourself as

kinda just another religo

now

again

no sex for ten years

because i'm all in love, and shit

single digit body count, lifetime

but

i'm personally offended

and

her "apology" which doesn't really seem sincere to me

doesn't matter

and seems hollow

without mention of why she felt so threatened personally

that she made a video about something

without even getting the terminology right

i think there is something under it

that could be a legitimate personal perspective

and

without that

she seems discredited to me

she seems phoney

and i don't want to watch her videos anymore

now

when i was younger

i had private conversations with people

in which i said things

that might have sounded anti-trans

i have always been fascinated by trans-people

and

i didn't get it

i mean, i did, and i didn't

i was coming from more of a non-binary perspective

and the idea that you could be assigned male/female at birth

but "feel" like a female/male

just seemed like bullshit to me

because

how do you "feel like a woman"

what does that mean

it challenged me

i didn't "feel" like a woman

i felt like me

and maybe that was gendered

but

it didn't really seem that way to me

all the gender seemed like a social construct

it seemed like

transitioning externally to the internal gender

seemed like a part of the problem

when

what we should really be doing was broadening the definition

or ungendering generally

in other words

i was threatened by it

these people were physically altering themselves

mutilating perfectly functional sex organs

to look right

now

i never ever once

told a trans-person that they were wrong

or shouldn't transition

and

i never even asked

'what do you mean?  you feel like a woman?!

because

that is rude

and wrong to do on so many levels

and

i respect a person's right to self-determination

but

i did feel

like an outsider again

I hate hungry pills


I went to bed at 2 I think
the cat woke me up at 4:45 for breakfast
I went back to sleep, briefly
but
I'm not real happy
he uses really effective techniques
he does a really raucous bladder stomp
he jumps on the shelf
where I keep my cell phone
and rustles around
threatening to knock it down
this is 100% effective
because
although it's unlikely to break
dropping onto the carpet
from a height of three feet
the chord is already
slightly bent
and barely makes a good connection
this already is my backup chord
and
it's windows phone
there probably isn't an easy replacement
so
I'm motivated
and
if I hear him on the shelf
right by my head
I wake up
hyper alert
I sleep really deeply
but
I'm listening in my sleep
when I first lived alone
I heard the mail man
walking across the yard
it would wake me up
so
I definitely hear the little terrorist


I hope you are happy and healthy
and enjoying yourself
wherever you are
I love you sweetheart

ok
i went to the ironwing tarot
did a relationship spread
which was genius
because it can either be read
as
we are both on the same page
or
not
depending on how you interpret
things

my lovers pairs your marriage
my shaman of air pairs your world dancer

wait
shaman of air is king of swords
you're usually king of swords if there is a king of swords
from back at the renaissance festival readings

but
then if you're king of swords
then i'm the emperor

which would make you the lovers
and me marriage

so
then that's more entwined than i thought
that's gotta be lookin good for me then

anyway
the point of connection is this:





Seven of Spikes

A stag beetle and a pair of tiny flaming iron antlers crown a shaman's ornamental hair comb.  The antlers are shaped like those of the extinct Pleistocene Giant Elk Megaloceros.  Below are two Carbon Antlers or Candlesnuff Fungi (Xylaria hypoxylon) that grow on rotten or burnt wood and look like charred black antlers covered in white ashes.  The most experienced and powerful Siberian shamans once wore iron antlers on their caps as symbols of their ability to travel to the Otherworld, perhaps riding on the back of a deer spirit.  This iron comb, warmed with her spiritfire, protects the top of the shaman's head, where her soul can enter and leave her body.  It also protects her hair, since touching the hair can imply control over a person's soul.  It draws power like an antenna, bringing awareness of the life force in the smallest, highest tree branch and grounding it in the shaman's body.  She wins this ability through a journey that challenges her confidence as she travels, and stretches her imagination as she relates her story to others.  She who accepts the internal challenge of initiation enters a secret place to confront and claim power.


quoted from Online Free Reading from the Ironwing Tarot by Lorena Babcock Moore.
www.mineralarts.com


in a regular tarot it's seven of wands

I have had this card come up
three or four times
recently
when I'm wanting to know
what you're thinking
and I'm stumped for
how to interpret
http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=845693&Date=8%2F20%2F2018&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=minchiate&Reading=single

i hope you are ok

i love you very much sweetheart

kitty's better

ok
it was a bit of a process
but
the kitty has officially eaten
off a plate
by himself
without much coaxing

YAY!!!!!

the hungry pills, however
make him very grouchy
so
i hope they will not be necessary in the future

the process
feed him with one of those feeding syringes
until he recognizes that that is food
and that worked
to the point where he was not objecting any more
he was opening his mouth and saying
this is a fun way to eat
but
he still wouldn't eat it off the plate
for whatever reason
so then
today
when i'm home all day
give him a hungry pill
in the hopes that he will just
ya know
fucking eat his food
and
i can't believe it
but
it fucking worked

but
he's really really hungry
and super grumpy
so he's not been a joy
and
he's had a little more than a can of food today
but
he has just walked up and bit me
several times
although
not like really hard
but

he's better
and
he's dropped a little weight
but
he's not even as thin as he probably should be
so
i say win-win
because
i don't think it's a forgone conclusion
that this is his final food change
or final acute episode
so
he doesn't need to be thin yet
or
who am i kidding
ever

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

ok
i'm goin to bed
i hope you're ok
i'm now kinda worried that i've alienated you
did you know that cats need to eat
or their organs start to shut down
like really fast
anyway
the force feeding is going well
he still won't eat the new food on his own
but
he's warming up to it
or else he's decided that he's just outsourcing eating
but
an ounce or two a day
is not enough
the idea is to feed him enough that his organs don't shut down
but not enough to fill him up
so he will hopefully eventually eat
but
it takes him three days of not eating sometimes
when it's a new case of the only food he'll eat
i don't understand how there can be enough difference
between batches for him to tell the difference
but
fancy feast chicken and liver is all he ever wants
buzz wanted variety
but this cat is ocd
he wants everything the same all the time
which is not the best with me
but he loves me
but
god damn
this little fucker had better start eating on his own soon
but he super loves me now
usually he sleeps on me until i fall asleep
and then he goes to the foot of the bed
but last night i got up to pee
[maybe it was the night before, not sure]
at 5am
when i had gone to bed at 2am
and he was still sleeping on me

i really do not want him to waste away like harvey did
but he is sixteen fucking pounds
so
there's some wiggle room
he was seven pounds when i got him
but he's had that tom cat widening of the bones
and he's muscular
but
he's a little fat too
he could easily lose four pounds
and he might be ok to go down to ten
but
i mean
not rapidly

i want the kitty to get well

goodnight sweetheart
i love you

just that little bit made me happier
but I wish I wasn't at stupid work

also
I don't understand
all the fourth fifth stuff
in a concrete way
the relations between the bits
I don't know it at all
but
I could sing the Rudolph thing
without the meter
I'm not sure I could do it with the meter
I think
I can just hear things
but
I don't really understand them
also
when they were talking about
the piano not really being tuned "right"
that made me happy
because
my whole life
there have been moments like that
and I'm like
that note seems wrong
weird?

good
morning
I just watched a video
called "introduction to music theory"
and
I guess I must know some
because that was a complete waste of time
he got to written music looks like this
kinda like a graph


now
I can't sight read music
like
I can't pick up a piece of music
that I've never heard
and sing it
but
I can, a little bit, sight read
I know generally
how I'm expecting the music to go
and
I learned the whole
egbdf
face
thing in piano
and choir


this is not what I mean by music theory


I have heard the different
musical scales like harmonic etc
and I sort of understand
intrinsically
the sounds
that go with them
but
I don't know how to play them on an instrument
I don't know how to manipulate the notes
to create a piece of music
I understand, I think
the concept
of the fourths and fifths
and
when he's talking about
the relation of the chords
I get what he's talking about
I can hear how they relate
but
I can't play those chords
I couldn't find them
I can see myself
in my minds eye
layering sound
to create a piece of music
the way you layer flavors in cooking
but
I don't even  know
what are standard chords
that people put together
to write a blues song
or a pop song
etc
that
that I could research
I bet I could learn that
but
that isn't what I'm craving
I want to do what he was doing
but
I lack basic skills

good night sweetheart
I love you

i don't know music theory

i've never learned it

but
i feel a longing for it
i can't do maths
so
i was led to believe it's all maths
so i never studied it
never tried
but

i think i could do it
i think
i'm just not sure how to start

and i don't know why i have this longing

is that weird?

I dreamed that I had become king
everyone in my gang
or clan
or whatever
thought I was weak
they were coming to take it from me
but
I had a rubber hose
and I used it like a whip
and
I did a lot of damage
I cut up the champion
who was a friend of mine
came close to putting his eye out
although that was an accident
I missed my mark
was aiming for the forehead
he couldn't touch me
because he couldn't get close enough


after I hit his eyelid, however
he didn't want to fight anymore
this was supposed to be quick and easy


you want to stop fighting
nothing could be easier
pledge fealty


and
I am now king

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much
I'm going to bed now
I hope you meet me in dreamland

also
I just got an email from ritualwell
and it reminded me
I had another dream


I saw you
but
I don't know if you knew I saw you
and I wanted to talk to you
but some girl was with me
and I couldn't get away from her
and by the time I did
you were gone
and
I was on some tour
and I started talking to some guy
about Judaism
and
since he didn't know anything about it
I felt like it was ok
I'm not like an expert
but
ya know
I've studied it a little
and I was talking about
mystical Judaism
and
how weird it was to me
that Hassidim were both mystical
but really restrictive
and kinda sexist (imo)
when I think of mysticism as free
and open and egalitarian
only
I couldn't think of the word
Hassidim
I was all like
the people in Brooklyn
with the hats
it was weird
and
I don't know what it means


and weird
to be reminded of a dream
by an email from ritualwell


I love you sweetheart
I hope you have a great day

I dreamed a story idea
the affordable education act
has made downloading your consciousness into another body common
we follow two students
one is downloaded into
a body of a girl in a fairly small college town
she has a hard time adjusting
to the fact that her landlord
is the father of the body
and he really doesn't trust this process
he wants to make sure
his daughter's body stays safe


the other
is his daughter
who has transferred into
a boy's body
in a big city
and she kinda goes wild

goodnight sweetheart
I love you

stuff i spend a day playing with (book title ideas)

this started the process:

a fist full of dollars, a hand full of rain

i was thinking about the line in the song where louise holds out a hand full of rain
and since i had done the ending beginning
that's got me thinking again
and i'm all with the names and titles and such
and this is maybe the clickbait equivalent of a book title
i would pick it up

plus
ya know
there's a level on which it totally works
except
fist full of dollars is all
anti hero and violent and not happy
so then
i had to spend the rest of the day
thinking up
like
counter arguments to that one--  which i really like


so, like my old working titles had been
the adventures of jack and lucky & the sound of rain

those are both fine
but
i think the jack and lucky is either a story within a story
or like a whole nother thing that what i'm writing
and the sound of rain
was a meta concept thing that isn't what i'm writing now
besides
it's kinda dull as a title



then i've got a whole slew of ones derived from the song lyrics


holding out a handful of rain, daring you to defy it

holding out a handful of rain

hand full of rain

to catch the rain in the palm of ones hand

clutching the rain

catch the rain


of which, i think i like  hand full of rain the best


then i just started kinda free associating


rain in the hand is worth...bird....

four and twenty blackbirds/hand full of rain

i think there were more
but
i left the paper in my apron pocket
those were the ones i liked best

what i liked about them
was the non-sequitur-ness and the punctuation
i love the idea of a slash in a title
i love the idea of incorporating a nursery rhyme
or an idiom
plus
that particular one reminds me of one of my favorite "jokes"


that requires an aside

i don't like "jokes" like "telling a joke"  like a set thing
like "a priest, a rabbi, and a somethin else walk into a bar"
i don't like that kind of stuff very much
i like more conversational/monolog-y humor
observational and whatnot

this is the kind of stuff that ashleigh was usually trying to tell me
that i wasn't laughing at
i'm just not into it

i do however have one that i love
so
if i ever like have to tell a "joke"
this is the one i would tell
very deadpan
and no one ever laughs
which i like


how many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb...
...fish

i love it love it love it
but, ya know, i don't laugh either


and
to me
there is something about that joke
contained within  rain in the hand is worth...bird

the "/" is like
suddenly a mashup of
sing a song of six pence, a pocket full of rye
there's nothing, really nothing to turn off
four and twenty black birds baked in a pie
the ghost of 'lectricity howls in the bones of her face
and when the pie was opened, the birds began to sing
while my conscience explodes
now wasn't that a dainty dish to set before the king

which appeals to me
but
might not make any sense to anyone else


and
i know
i should write it first
then pick a title
but
in the way that the ending comes first
the title influences what the book becomes
like when you name a kid
they live up to their name, ya know

and
i mean
actually
there is still the option to change the title
if it seems warranted later
so
in that sense
maybe it's a working title
but
maybe i'm just weird like that

read this first (before book titles)

i'm a little out of it today
and i feel like i haven't been that fun for you lately
sometimes i worry about that
and sometimes
i worry about it
what i mean is
sometimes i worry about it
and it stresses me out, like i just can't
and it makes me feel overwhelmed, a little
too much on my plate
and i guess it brings up some past baggage
because i start saying things to myself like
dancing monkey

sometimes
like right now
i think that i want to do something for you
i want to make you happy
and i'm not sure how to accomplish that

sometimes
i just do stuff
and i feel like it's pretty good

i feel like that's all normal
and that you can relate to it
or else
i would probably try to protect you from these feelings

i feel like
you don't always respond well
to my negative feelings
which makes sense

but
you have to
well, you don't have to understand
but it would be helpful if you did
i do not feel like i grew up in an unconditional love situation
maybe i did
but
it felt pretty conditional
except maybe gran gran
but
then she wouldn't fight to keep me
which wasn't her responsibility
but
it makes her unconditional thing less safe, ya know

anyway, shit, i didn't mean to go all up in there

what i'm trying to say
is
i worry
sometimes
on some level
that you might stop loving me
if i don't

this is gonna sound bad

trigger warning

keep you entertained


now
mostly not
mostly, i think, if you were gonna stop
then you woulda already
but
like now
you might have more room for me
and
i'd like to fill that space
be the perfect muse
but
my life isn't so good for that right now
and you don't really want to hear about the cat
having pancreatitis
and the bullshit at work

i'm living it and i don't even want to hear it

and i just had happy happy blood time
which was ok, thankfully
and i'm a little depressed
or maybe a lot depressed, i'm not sure
i'm having intrusive thoughts
about the time leading up to harvey's death
and
i feel poorly equipped for human interaction of any kind


the funnest thing i've done
in recent memory
was make a list of book titles one day
when i was working register
maybe i should share that with you

this is kinda long, but it intrigues me

I hope you had a good day
I almost enjoyed resetting my dept
Karl helped me
and he was really helpful


I love you very much sweetheart
and I feel like
I want to ask you questions
but I can't
also
I want to tell you some stuff
but I can't
so
I will just say
I wish I was there
and
that I'm going to sleep
so
if you want to play the sleeping game
I would very much enjoy that
goodnight sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart
i'm working from 6pm to 2am sunday-monday
because the whole dept has to be flipped
from horizontal orientation
to vertical orientation

i can't seem to stay awake though

so i'm going to bed now
and
i'm going to sleep as long as i can


i love you very much

well, I don't know if we were still playing the sleeping game or not
but
it seems to me like we were
I had very involved dreams
really none of which I remember
because
what I remember was
everyone was talking about Kate Micucci
so that was either you
or something weird is up
because I dont know her well enough to get her name right
I kept dreaming it as marcucci

goodnight sweetheart
I'm going to bed
I love you very much

I love you sweetheart
have a good day

wow

that dream was amazing
there was this whole
like Viking culture, or something
one man was linked to a shrine
as ritual sacrifice and gambler
another man was honored
and then
this whole complicated
texture story
having to do with clothing
telling the early history story
through the texture of the cloth


so
idk
I'm guessing it's an article of clothing
and
if I had to guess
I am going to guess it's a hoodie
because of the whole story contained part


even if I'm wrong
it was a very cool dream
unlike anything I've ever dreamed

goodnight sweetheart
i'm going to bed now
after sleeping in the chair a while

if you want to
try to send me something in my dream
and i will tell you what i dream
hand me, in the dream, an object
like really visualize it, though
think about the way it looks and feels

i will tell you what i dream

if you don't want to
that's ok too

i hope you had fun today
and i'm sorry i can't be there with you

i love you very much

i hope you're having an
exciting
and
creative
day
or
that you're resting
have fun tonight
i love you very much

I love you sweetheart
I'm going to bed now
try to meet me in dreamland
but
if you have been thinking
coffee and chocolate at me
then you need to add more to the thought
because I'm turning them into work dreams


I'm specifically waking up
thinking
oh coffee and chocolate
that is probably him


but
I'm waking up
from some coffee shop
version of my current district manager
being a complete asshole
and
that sucks
so add more
so it could be
a funner dream
cool


I love you sweetheart

i don't remember what it looked like
but I do remember the concept
this severed ear in a pool of blood
and
I'm gonna go ahead and
say
I wasn't able to
make it look like my vision
it was mostly pen and ink
line work
which is not my strong suit


it should have been
a very textured oil painted ear in a pool
of very textured oil painted blood
that was maybe
computer morphed
into different landscapes
that were photos
maybe
the band sitting in night cafe chairs
with the ear in the near focus ground
like in the street
for example




i don't think most of my graphics
stuff was all that good
from an execution standpoint
I'm not really a good graphic artist
but
i had some kick ass concepts
probably
I'm more of a conceptual artist
really


i had that problem in architecture too
Ms Schwartz wanted to give me a A
from my pitch and concept design
but
my model was so badly constructed
[i just could not do it]
i think i ended up with a B
maybe even a B-


hope you are doing well
my breasts don't hurt anymore
so we're on better terms today


i love you sweetheart

I fell asleep in the chair
I have to go to bed
but
I remembered
and want to tell you
in high school
in graphics
I dont remember which year
we had to design
and actually like physically make
an album
I mean
not record it
just the art
but
my band was a kinda
punky new wave thing
called
the van Gogh project
and
I did write all the song lyrics
and liner notes
🎶😊 🎶


I love you

hey
have fun today
I love you

crap
I fell asleep in the chair again
goodnight sweetheart

I hope I didn't freak you out
and
I didn't mean
to expose pit hair
I know that's taboo
and I'll erase it
I didn't realize it was visible in the picture

goodnight sweetheart
I fell asleep in the chair again
I just thought that video was cute
visit me
in dreamland
if you can

this is what i wrote this morning. i'm not editing it, just typing as is.

i'm one of those people.

i flip to the end of a book--  read the ending first.  i know.  but seriously, it doesn't interfere it gives me information i need.  over the 15 years i've been trying to write our story the ending came to me in a flash about 5 years in--  it's exactly the kind of ending i like in a book, it doesn't make any sense unless you've read the book but it gives tone and style.  so here's the book ending.





she stood on the platform smoking and looking out over the snow.  in the middle distance three ravens played and called to her, or themselves, or no one in particular.  she watched them.  she breathed in the frozen air.

i love you too ernest.





well, the actual words have changed a bunch of times, and that changes it for sure, but the image--  that's like set in stone--  that's the end of the book, for sure.  the beginning seems like it'd be easy, but, ya know, not so much really.  and the middle--  containing the structure and like what the story is actually about--  well, that's impossible.







[my commentary tonight]
i don't love this whole cloth, but i really really like the idea of starting with the ending and that that doesn't give anything away.  i also like the way i wrote the ending.  it's less descriptive than any other version i've ever written, but it seems to encapsulate more elements in a casual off-hand way than any other version i've ever written.  the bit after the ending, i'm not fond of, and i think maybe i had gotten interrupted.

also, at this point, that being the ending begs a lot of questions.  am i only doing the first 5 years?  am i being in any way chronological?  or am i jumping around in a stream of consciousness way?  which is what i have been leaning toward for a while.  but does it need a framework?  yes, yes it does.

good morning sweetheart
I was on register this morning
and I started writing something
maybe I will write it down for you later
hope all is well
love you

good morning sweetheart