😁

the two ohtanis are kicking *ss

I'm just KINDA wanting to 

be close to you

MAYBE 

looking up

at the stars

I've started watching these channelers 

LIKE 

if this video crossed your feed

blah blah blah

BUT 

they are all telling me 

he is so into you

& I don't hate it

I KNOW 

they are general messages

& I'm not sure if I 

BELIEVE in 

channels 

BUT 

it's part of my SYNCHRONICITY and I like it

I passed out trying to write this 

I'm getting ready for

that thing today

I hope you are having a beautiful day 🫶 🫶 🫶 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

❤️❤️❤️

friday thoughts

cardiologist today 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

I'm having a strange combination of 

feeling MORE calm in my 

BODY

less fight, flight, freeze

& THAT

is making things better 

BUT 

FEELING

a little 

OVERWHELM

which makes the

TALK-Y talk

harder

YOU 

are super cool though

🫶🫶🫶

should sleep ❤️

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

👾🫚🍀☁️☕🔥🫶🫶🫶

what I worked on today

not sure HOW this will dry

BUT 

pretty close to finishing up 

I think 

I'm weird redux

ps

you

look 

GOOD 

the graphic has

REALLY 

COOL 

text

ure

!

omg!

I didn't do that on purpose 

*REDACTED*

internal monologue 

I love you love

I KNOW it's not late

BUT 

I HAVE to 

SLEEP 

I need EXTRA 

dream time 

I took a delta8

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

👾🫚🍀☁️☕🔥

🫶🫶🫶

❤️

I am weird

I'm BACK on the WEIRD food PROTOCOLS 

I had FIVE hard boiled eggs 

with chili smoked salmon which is too expensive 

& TOO decadent 

SO

I'm CLEARLY making a point

because I 

WHAT

NEED to LOOK a CERTAIN way

CARB CYCLING 

I feel 

FAT

I mean yesterday 

I was saying 

I THINK cortisol is responding to somatics

I think that belly is retreating

BUT 

I mean today 

I look SUPER FAT

it's exhausting 

yeah

AND

there is actually a lot of other stuff going on in my HEAD 

I'm having this weird SENSATION 

LIKE 

if you weren't quite sure you could handle life

BEFORE 

it's LIKE 

SOMEHOW I missed a layer

NOW

I don't remember what I was gonna say 

other stuff I'm thinking about

I've been thinking about 

a FORMAT for 

SOMETHING 

on 

SUBSTACK 

it's 

KINDA

amorphous at this point 

I have this stew of philip k. dick & murakami 

& that KINDA 

CHUCK palahniuk STRATEGY 

-- I haven't finished it

-- I don't know how 

-- I feel about

-- TRANSGRESSION

I might need a paper copy

because he does

have a LOT of 

HOW TO

& this all interests me because it follows 

the SYNCHRONICITY

BUT 

I FEEL LIKE 

I USED to 

feel differently 

& I WONDER what THAT means 

BUT 

I don't wonder TOO hard

BECAUSE 

I don't have bandwidth to worry about that and besides I'm not worrying 

I'm RIDING the

UNIVERSAL wave

LIKE 

I don't KNOW yet

SOMETHING 

that'd be 

FUN

to

READ

I still haven't gotten used to titling these

I just watched a thing

did all the

MBTI

personalities in 

1 minute

ESTP (my brad pitt fight club opposite type)

was Marisa Tomei (in my cousin Vinny)

which I also haven't seen 

BUT 

seems less 

ANARCHIST 

& THEN

I don't KNOW WHY this made me so happy 

because I'm not a big star wars fan

BUT 

INFJ

was obi wan kenobi 

the FORCE

is what gives a

JEDI 

his (sic) power

I hope you are having a beautiful day 🫶 🫶 🫶 

hi 😁

I had a lot of dreams 

I think in one

I was watching a video of myself 

& decided I needed to 

CUT my hair 

& then

I started cutting my hair 

BUT 

I was outside 

in a big park like area

with other people 

who I seemed

to KNOW 

when I woke up

as I came to consciousness 

I was FILLING my

BODY

with

LIGHT

it's TOO sunny to WALK now

& I'm not sure 

WHAT I'm gonna do YET 

BUT 

I'm definitely 

FEELING 

BETTER 

❤️

up late again

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I'm going to sleep 

I'm not sure 

WHAT exactly is happening when, yet

I'm sorry I've been in a funk 

I WILL be 

returning to normal 

PROBABLY 

tomorrow 

the weather has cooled some 

MAYBE 

some walking is in order

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶🫶🫶

👾🫚🍀☁️☕🔥

❤️❤️❤️

I'm having a day

I had to do taxes today 

I hate that

I was gonna do them yesterday 

I already had paid them

& I was already 

DOWN 

about my mom 

& STUFF 

& then I listened to 

some news

I will SNAP OUT of it

I just had

STRESS

& ANXIETY 

I've been WORKING myself up to 

THROW out STUFF 

& I'm trying to decide if I do that tomorrow 

OR

WORK CLUB 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 🫶 🫶 

blah blah blah

therapy was cancelled 

I'm not feeling great 

I AM

therapizing myself 

BUT 

I'm not sure if I'm doing a great job

I'm sorry I'm not 

being all that fun to be around 

I LOVE you ❤️

sleep caught up with me

I had a headache 

I lay down 

I fell

ASLEEP 

I woke up

I decided to 

take NyQuil 

I'm going back to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

🫶🫶🫶 goodnight 

late

my g*d

why do I not go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

🫶🫶🫶 goodnight 

all apologies

if I am the most selfish person 

in the history of the world 

I LOVE and forgive myself 

if I have failed to 

make something of myself 

on my own

without help

& have

INSTEAD 

needed help

& then

failed to 

PROPERLY 

live up to the intended quid quo pro

SORRY not SORRY 

I have done my best

not to promise 

MORE

than I could deliver

& HISTORICALLY 

I have pushed myself to the point of self injury 

to live up to

not just what I promised 

BUT 

to fulfill 

EVERY EXPECTATION 

that I could 

DETECT

I apologize to myself for THAT 

would it OFFEND you if I said you were a good daughter?

I guess 

I've been having some problems 

my mother 

has moved into

FULL ON

trying to elicit attention from the

possibly I'm having 

OPEN HEART SURGERY 

& she was just casually mentioning to donna 

how I was staying at her apartment and taking care of her afterwards 

& I'm LIKE 

I CAN'T actually STAY at your place

there IS NO PLACE 

for me to STAY

NOT even STARTING on

YOU haven't ASKED me 

& I TOLD you 

I WASN'T gonna BE your CARETAKER 

& THIS GOES BACK

when SHE wasn't doing sh*t for her parents 

SHE SAID 

I do not expect you to take care of me

I will hire people to do that

you just have to

CHECK IN

to make SURE they aren't 

ABUSING me

SHE had bob go to all the facilities possible 

she gave all these reasons why she 

COULDN'T 

BUT 

she didn't take care of him

OR Shirley

& EVERY STEP 

of this journey 

I have SAID 

I WILL NOT be your CARE giver

I FIND caregiving 

STRESSFUL 

when it's someone mildly grateful and kind

BUT 

SHE barks orders

& is ABUSIVE 

PLUS 

I can barely take the groceries in

without becoming 

APOPLECTIC 

from the revolting rotting dishes

& rotting food in the fridge 

which I started out trying to deal with 

& ended in my telling her

I WOULD NOT 

I'm NOT LIVING there

WE HAD ALREADY discussed 

she would go to a nursing facility to recuperate 

& she was trying to 

SHAME FORCE me by telling SOMEONE else 

BLAH blah BLAH 

there is more STORY 

when we were at her primary 

WAITING 

she's LIKE 

did jason ever leave you alone

& I'm LIKE 

the point

wasn't that he was bugging me 

the POINT was

he was COMING AT me

in a WAY 

that was LIKE 

he EXPECTED me to DO SOMETHING 

BASED on 

you are this ROLE

& I EXPECT 

X,Y,Z behavior based on your BEING that ROLE

regardless of what our

ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP is 

THAT

was my problem with jason 

when I had told her

when I was telling her

there is something wrong with me

& if you want to help me 

HELP me

BUT 

I'm not gonna DO THAT for YOU 

we talked

& she said something I didn't mention before 

she's LIKE 

that's FINE 

if you CAN

SHE thinks I'm TOO NICE 

TOO ACCOMMODATING 

that I'll CAVE and take care of her

& I MIGHT have

taken care of her

IF she WAS 

the lovely

innocent old lady that she tries to pretend to be

BUT 

the only way I'm doing any of it

is it insurance WON'T pay for it

& THEN 

she better not 

EXPECT 

better care than my checking in on her

& LEAVING if she's ABUSIVE 

BUT 

I do FEEL 

SOME KINDA way 

about all that

& I've had to go back and forth

about how that is 

NOT 

bitter grievance 

this is a LONG STANDING agreement 

that she has had TIME to adjust to

UNLIKE 

various issues 

with her treatment of me

in the PAST

I will NOT put myself in a position 

where I'm HIGHLY likely to 

want to UNALIVE myself 

to make her

FEEL 

some kinda way

I LOVE me

& I guess if I'm her daughter

SHE shouldn't EXPECT me to have 

CAPACITIES

that she herself doesn't have 

PLUS 

she's had forty-five years to make other plans

thoughts

I LOVE you 

I went to work club 

I had thoughts

IDEAS

I don't seem to have 

SAID ANYTHING 

I don't think I can explain 

exactly where my

HEAD is AT

I hope everything is better than you imagined 

I have been thinking about 

what kissing you 

would FEEL like 

I'm gonna think about THAT going to sleep 

goodnight sweetheart 🫶 🫶 🫶 

sleep time

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶🫶🫶

🫶

I FEEL so 

grateful for you 

right now

today

I'm listening to 

a book on

WRITING 

by the guy who wrote fight club

I'm enjoying it 

& GET THIS 

his main mentor writing teacher

he LIVED with him

in this derelect

house

the previous owner

had lined the walls with plastic 

kept it HUMID for the

ORCHIDS 

all the floorboards were

in varrying degrees

of ROT

I'm LIKE 

THAT is basically the house on 

PAPER street 

I took a BATH 

I was supposed to go to 

RESCHEDULED therapy 

BUT 

I got the news

EARLY ENOUGH to not have taken a shower YET 

& the rhythm of the day 

SEEMED

to be 

processing 

& information gathering 

what's the sun like where you are

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶🫶🫶

more analysis

the coffee thing

she is always 

TELLING me 

HOW 

to micro-managingly DO things

she KNOWS it BUGS me

& normally, historically 

it would get

a RISE out of ME 

DO YOU 

typically tell people that they don't 

NEED to HURRY 

when there hasn't been 

ANY CONTEXT

SAYING YES

I had planned to do that

isn't the

WRONG thing to SAY

I had NO IDEA that there was ANY RUSH

isn't the WRONG thing to SAY

if there WAS no rush

you'd think 

something LIKE 

yeah, no there's not

NOT 

HOW do I KNOW 

I'm not your 

MIND READER 

SEEMS slightly UNHINGED 

I'm AWARE 

again

AGREEING with you 

SO

I MEAN 

at FACE VALUE 

DOES this conversation MAKE SENSE 

NOW

I'm gonna admit

AFTER all THAT

I sat there 

and WROTE 

that post

WHILE I drank the

COFFEE 

& THAT

WAS MAYBE 

a little BIT of a dominance 

FLEX

long ramble-y thoughts

I just find her

SO 

irritating 

I DO remind myself 

that she is

BROKEN 

BUT 

I just find the

attempts

at getting me to 

BEHAVE in a certain way 

by prodding me a certain way 

AND THEN 

I say

are you SURE you are not behaving 

SOME KINDA way 

& I'm LIKE 

I ABSOLUTELY AM behaving SOME kinda WAY

I'm following 

to the BEST of my

ABILITY 

that CHASE guy

HOW 

to MAINTAIN 

I'm NOT reacting to ANYTHING 

I'm LETTING there

BE SILENCE 

I used to

TALK to ENTERTAIN her

BUT 

it EXHAUSTED me

& SHE 

made it

CLEAR 

I WASN'T 

entertaining 

for years

SO

I talk if I have something to say 

BUT 

often I don't really 

if she talks to ME I always answer 

I'm --

however I AM --

EXCEPT 

as much as possible 

MAINTAINING 

when she

irritates me 

I'm not trying to be an as*h*le

BUT 

I'm 

NOT 

treating her like I would 

USUALLY in the

PAST

ANY

of the WAYS from the PAST

I WAS KINDA trying to FOLLOW the EXAMPLE of

HOW SHE treated ME

THAT got PROBLEMATICAL

because it FOCUSED me

in a WAY I thought 

REINFORCED 

some of my

PROBLEMS 

SO

I'm just 

KINDA

over

a LOT of the behavior that she may or may not be AWARE of

I'm trying to be

"normal"

OR

SUPER 

but it is possible that I'm only doing 

BETTER 

BUT 

for SURE 

I'm doing better 

I don't UNDERSTAND the question 

WHY

in the world would I be

OFFENDED

to be called a good daughter 

BUT 

WHEN

did she care about offending me

it SEEMS like

a trick question 

LIKE 

EVERYTHING offends ME

would it be

OK

miss HIGH and mighty

can you TAKE a COMPLIMENT 

it doesn't make SENSE and I'm not looking to

CONTRIBUTE to whatever 

AND THEN I'm LIKE 

are you just being 

MEAN

and grievance-y

YOU 

started over with her

ALL this STUFF 

is CURRENT 

STUFF 

I MEAN not 💯 because 

TRIGGERs

BUT 

I'm not looking for vengeance 

I'm looking for 

CLOSURE 

today

I don't like how this dried

it was much more vibrant 

not sure what to do next

this is what I worked on today 

we'll see how it dries

she's trying to fight, I think, who can say, geez

you can take your time with that coffee

I'm not in any rush

thank you

I had planned to 

it never occurred to me that we were in any hurry

I don't know what might or might not have

OCCURRED to you

I'm not your mind reader 

I have noticed that

will I EVER 

IN the LIFE

be able to say the right thing to you

I don't understand that question 

almost forgot the title that time (this is from earlier, I decided I needed an edit but it's not worth reading again)

good morning sweetheart 

I am with c*nty again today 

BUT 

studio instead of

DOCTOR 

I will say

the mouth noises approach is helpful 

BUT 

she doesn't make any sense 

I hope you are having 

ADVENTURES 

I hope you are 

ENJOYING 

your interactions with 

your travel 

COMPANION 

close proximity to other humans can be

a rollercoaster 

I'm having to

accept all these negative emotions 

as being how I really feel 

& I'm not really 

LIKING it 

I looked up

WHY does my mother 

DISGUST me 

& it VERY helpfully listed OUT 

LIKE a whole list of things 

ALL of which applied

SO

I guess it does make SENSE but the thing is

I don't WANT to be all

SOAKING in 

my negative thoughts about her

I just want to get away from her

& I'm thinking that

this need to be

AWAY from 

my family of origin 

it's not 

GREAT

BUT 

I'm not sure the level of detachment necessary to not be disturbed by it would be good either 

I JUST 

KEEP thinking 

HOW do I FIX 

ME

where I can just

DEAL with it 

without 

having to work myself all up to

I DON'T CARE

because EVEN if I HATE her

which I'm NOT saying I do

I STILL 

CARE about her

SOMEHOW 

I just don't want to SEE her or HEAR her

OR 

WHATEVER 

it's a WHOLE process 

BUT 

I'm uncertain 

WHAT

I'm AIMING 

FOR 

I heard season of the witch and now I can't get it outta my head

I'm not TALK-Y but I'm 

THINKING about you 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

goodnight 🫶🫶🫶

strange

would it OFFEND you

if I CALLED you

a good 

daughter 

she ASKED me 

I don't understand your question 

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

goodnight 🫶🫶🫶

thoughts on some emotions

I'm not sure 

that is

ONE

is

FEELING anxiety

the thing to do

is ASK 

yourself 

WHY

THAT 

is what I would typically do 

WHY are you ANXIOUS 

talk myself down 

BUT 

I'm doing all this nervous system rebooting 

I think I have got to EXPECT 

SOME 

free floating emotions in the system 

& F*CK

there's plenty to be anxious about in the world 

SO

if ya START 

LISTING 

that just feeds in EXTRA stuff that wasn't even IT

ya KNOW 

MAYBE 

JUST 

FEEL it

without having to 

ATTRIBUTE 

second rule of work club

therapy cancelled 

I'm having some pretty intense 

ANXIETY 

BUT 

I have NOW 

MADE it

to WORK 

CLUB 

SO

PROBABLY 

I'll CALM the f*CK DOWN 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 🫶 🫶 🫶 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

hopefully therapy tomorrow

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart

🫶🫶🫶

🔥

coffee

I had

a LOT of 

DREAMS 

and we were interacting 

at least MARGINALLY in a BUNCH of em I think 

BUT 

the ONE I REMEMBER 

WAS 

you were sitting down

with your legs

EXTENDED

straight in front of you

with a cup of 

COFFEE 

resting on you

THIGH

& I was resting my head in your lap

& I took a SIP of the COFFEE 

LIKE that was NO problem 

WE were JUST 

SO RELAXED 

& COMFORTABLE 

BUT 

DEEPLY 

physically 

INTIMATE 

& I keep 

THINKING about that DREAM 

I hope you have a beautiful day sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶 🫶 🫶 

goodnight sweetheart

I'm going to sleep 

I hope

the

MAGIC 

has been with you 

&

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

👾🫚🍀☁️☕🔥🫶🫶🫶

❤️

small things

I had another victory 

I THINK 

BUT 

I forgot to mention it 

I had TWO boxes

in my car

that I was gonna take

to goodwill 

it was 

STUFF 

but it was stuff that I had some trouble with 

I KNEW if I looked at it AGAIN 

I'd probably 

CARRY 

it back inside 

I couldn't 

DEAL

with going to goodwill 

& I couldn't 

deal with driving 

with those boxes in the front seat

I didn't want to carry them 

BACK in 

I drove them down to the dumpster 

& THREW 

them 

AWAY 

I had a long dream

I DREAMED 

about 

& I think it's possible that 

I DREAMED 

about this last night 

TOO

BUT 

for sure it was

the WHOLE night

on a LONG 

SLEEP 

the COLOR powders

that you apply to your face

LIKE makeup

BUT 

to ENHANCE 

MOOD

& HAPPINESS 

there was ALSO a LOT of adjacent bits

about dressing up 

& the physical boundaries 

between areas

& stuff

LIKE 

there was one part

where I was

WAITING 

because they were

REBUILDING 

a GATE or SOMETHING 

possibly something to do with trans-ness

there was SOMETHING 

where a group of us

we're sitting 

on some stairs

& we're

MOVED

in SOME kind of circular

DOWN around and BACK

BUT 

NOW we had

CHANGED

something about the WAY we

LOOKED

to ENHANCE 

SOMETHING 

I just can't remember 

WHAT

EXACTLY 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 🫶 🫶 🫶 

up late

I had a LOT of ANXIETY today 

I took double l-theanine

& it didn't help at all

I had a BUNCH of DREAMS 

LIKE 

MAYBE 

I was watching you

run around 

as a cartoon 

CHARACTER 

MAYBE something else too

I've had WEIRD music in my HEAD 

from HAIR

three FIVE zero ZERO 

~prisioners of Ntown it's a dirty little war~

I'm off FREQUENCY 

BUT 

it SEEMED like 

I got something out of it

WORKED through 

BUT 

I need to go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

👾🫚🍀☁️☕🔥🫶🫶🫶

there are a lot of things that I would have done differently, if I had been saner when I did them

I FEEL like 

I'm making a LOT of progress 

BECAUSE 

I keep feeling like 

I'm changing into a 

NEW PERSON 

again and again 

is that RIGHT 

I went through a 

WHOLE 

THING 

today 

it

did

NOT 

ALL feel like progress 

a LOT of it FELT like just BARELY managing overwhelm

& I watched a video about Jung's view on

this KINDA reaching BURNOUT as an EMPATH

DISCOVERING 

the shadow 

in a 

potent

WAY

&

TRANSFORMING 

STOP

OVER identifying with the ARCHETYPE 

FIND your TRUE self

busy day

POSSIBLY 

I was WRONG 

about WANTING to FEEL my feelings 

I didn't enjoy it

BUT 

I drove my car

to phonecia (I'm CONFIDENT I spelled that wrong)

BOUGHT big bags of lentils 

AND

went to 

WORK CLUB

BUT 

it was KINDA 

a rough day

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much

❤️

side effects

and ya KNOW 

I've been 

DOING 

that

TAPPING thing

& there's this

weird SENSATION 

it's a little 

UNsettling because it's INSIDE my chest

it's just like this

SLIP

LIKE 

it didn't 

QUITE manage

the SYNCHRONIZED 

& it's trying to 

SLIP

back in LINE without 

being NOTICED 

clothes line

I KEEP getting -------------- CLOTHES LINE

,,,,,,,,,,,flutter,,,,,,,,,,,,,

SUNLIGHT 

in the 

dark 

corners

I'm trying to not not talk, but I'm having some trouble with the emotions today

I don't WANT to be 

all debbie downer but I'm very emotional 

it

HURTS

that I don't believe my mother loves me

it doesn't 

USUALLY 

hurt

late night

I've had a weird day 

& I'm not sure what I think about it 

I LOVE 

YOU though

❤️

worked on today

she's now

ACTIVELY 

pursuing information on 

SURGERY 

SO

I guess I did

make it 

CLEARER

middle of the night

ALSO

you look great

did I mention that 

I want to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

🫶🫶🫶👾🫚🍀☁️☕🔥

goodnight ❤️

self therapy sort of

I'm sad about my mom

on multiple 

LEVELS

&

it's DIFFICULT not to become OVERWHELMED 

thinking about 

STUFF 

I'm not going through that stuff 

AGAIN 

AM I gonna 

THROW 

her paintings 

AWAY

I don't WANT to get into that RIGHT NOW 

there are some varrying ideas

in the hopper 

I didn't go to work club today 

I guess 

I needed to process emotions

PROCESSING 

FEAR 

of uncertainty 

is not as 
HARD 

as

AVOIDING feeling that FEAR

THAT is ALWAYS 

FELT like

SOME

SORT

of

ONCOMING 

painful 

OBLITERATION 

I'm not sure I said all that

in the right configuration to make sense 

EVEN 

the WORST 

THINGS 

that are likely to happen to me 

aren't 

THAT bad

I ALSO

didn't used to have the

CONCEPT of 

the OVERWHELM

I KINDA just

PUSHED

I didn't acknowledge 

I'm still figuring it all out 

& I'm still not sure 

I'm totally 

FEELING 

my feelings 

& I want to be 

ALTHOUGH 

another part of me

thinks ALL of this is

JUST

DRAMA

because that is what

EVERYONE 

has said my whole life

& I internalized it 

BUT 

🌊

more thoughts

I am not in the water sisterhood 

I could not do it

TODAY

it is possible 

that today

was

entirely some alternate reality 

STUFF 

I do REALLY like 

the WORK CLUB -- even if there are THINGS that maybe could go BETTER 

I've been thinking all day

well I WATCHED a lot of BITS of VIDEOS 

I'm trying to pick a concealer 

it's weirdly like an obsession 

BUT 

as far as I can tell

I've decided 

I'm on to

something 

I have to

MANAGE the OVERWELM

& I have to 

KEEP 

moving forward 

REMEMBERING 

it's not a straight line

there's a WAY 

everything has to

TIGHTEN up 

BUT 

there's a WAY 

I HAVE to 

USE the FORCE

it's 

HARD

to

DESCRIBE 

I gotta sleep though 

I'm not gonna 

leave a bunch of emojis 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 🫶 🫶 

🫶🫶🫶

you are a 

SUPER 

sight for sore eyes

❤️

CL!CK

the turn signal

on the BUS

SOUNDED

like  

this clicker I had when I was a kid

it looked like

a LADYBUG 

it was 

metal

it made a 

CLICKING 

NOISE

BUT 

it was

INCONGRUENT 

& slightly disorienting on the bus

& when the guy next to me got up

I could SEE

I was 

SITTING 

NEXT to

the ROSA PARKS seat

HONORING her

it was P!NK

I don't know 

WHEN

they started that

SO, after confirming yesterday

he WAS there

he LEFT

SO 

either he

FORGOT 

OR 

something came up

OR

SOMETHING 

BUT 

NO therapy for you little girl 

I'm at WORK CLUB 

people were friendly and helpful

I had to use an app

to open the

DOOR 

&

I don't feel confident in my ability to 

HANDLE that

SO

I STARTED it

& THEN

it seemed like maybe you should do this part

AT the PLACE 

WAS that CORRECT 

I dunno

BUT 

TWO guys helped me

it takes a village 

for ME to

download an App 

I was LIKE 

MAN

I feel OLD

BUT 

it WAS nice

that people 

WANTED to help me

the OVERALL effect 

WAS there was

a MAGICAL 

PORTAL

after I had coffee 

I had a tea

LATER 

&

I had trouble with the FANCY high TECH

DUAL temperature 

WATER dispenser 

it was

FIDDLY

and a woman came over & showed me

she KINDA implied

it was a secret

society now

& I should 

KEEP 

my

EYES OPEN -- show the WAY 

I'm weaving it into a STORY 

she just very nicely came over to show ME 

& SAID 

SOMEONE 

had HAD 

to show 

HER 

SO

LIKE 

it IS FIDDLY

& it was

COOL 

friendly

death watch

NOW

the fact that shirley 

took six years

to die

when she was given six months-ish

MAYBE 

makes her think 

she's good to 

GO

BUT 

shirley didn't live a life she would be happy living 

& she said it was good news 

when she told me she

DIED

& I'm not trying to influence her decisions 

BUT 

they keep telling her

VAGUE 

not making the situation 

CLEAR

& she said some stuff 

BACK a while ago 

she didn't THINK she'd MAKE it 

to NEXT YEAR

which SEEMED to be 

designed to get some response out of me

& THEN 

she SUBSEQUENTLY

doesn't SEEM to REMEMBER 

& she doesn't make SENSE to me 

SO

I don't know 

WHAT

she 

ACTUALLY thinks

BUT 

*sigh*

I forgot I'm trying to do titles

AND

I love the

SMELL

of sunshine in my

CLOTHES

emotions are fun

SINCE 

I'm feeling a little 

SHAKEY

I'll TAKE 

THIS 

WIN

I got that lip balm 

I REALLY 

LIKE it

it's LIKE 

I can

FEEL 

the hyaluronic acid

& the

CONTAINER is beautiful 

I was noticing 

there's a blush and two lipsticks

VISIBLE 

BLUSH 

had not YET arrived 

THIS is WORKING out RIGHT 

let's just throw those 

AWAY 

& I DID 

& the BLUSH is

just right

I got myself 

OVERWHELMED 

though

& I had the just started things

that I'm trying to 

PATTERN

DISRUPT

BUT 

then I FOCUSED on my 

I COVERED a LOT 

of ground 

I THINK 

BUT 

I was gonna TRY 

NOT to think 

about her

BUT 

I was not successful 

&

I'm trying to get 

BACK in 

FLOW

I think it's all out of order now

BUT 

in fairness

BOB 

did all the stuff 

& he just got a blood clot or something 

he WENT THROUGH it 

ALL 

&

dropped over

in his

COFFEE 

SO

I get it

BUT 

I'm STILL not sure if SHE has

I can't READ her THAT WAY 

I CAN READ a bunch of stuff off her

it's LIKE 

she's 

SLIPPERY 

on anything 

FACTUAL 

OR

pertaining to MOTIVE

BUT 

I FEEL 

SO MUCH 

STUFF 

& I'm a little off vibe

it's complicated

AND

I have 

VERY COMPLICATED FEELINGS 

about 

ALL

of it

in fact 

I'm going to sleep soon 

I'm 

EXHAUSTED 

I really LIKE the WORK CLUB 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart  I LOVE you VERY much 🫶 🫶🫶

possibly a repeat, something is def up

NOW

the fact that shirley 

took six years

to die

when she was given six months-ish

MAYBE 

makes her think 

she's good to 

GO

BUT 

shirley didn't live a life she would be happy living 

& she said it was good news 

when she told me she

DIED

& I'm not trying to influence her decisions 

BUT 

they keep telling her

VAGUE 

not making the situation 

CLEAR

& she said some stuff 

BACK a while ago 

she didn't THINK she'd MAKE it 

to NEXT YEAR

which SEEMED to be 

designed to get some response out of me

& THEN 

she SUBSEQUENTLY

doesn't SEEM to REMEMBER 

& she doesn't make SENSE to me 

SO

I don't know 

WHAT

she 

ACTUALLY thinks

BUT 

*sigh*

truth or dare

my mom

she NEVER or at least 

you NEVER 

KNOW 

if she's telling the truth 

SO

it's effectively impossible to 

TRACK anything 

when we were at her cardiologist last

I was trying to get info 

on how MUCH 

SODIUM 

she was allowed to HAVE or some target

& he acted LIKE 

the CONCEPT didn't make any SENSE 

she complained about not feeling great

& he was talking to her

ABOUT surgery 

& she was like

NO

she's on warfarin 

SO 

she has to have her 

BLOOD checked

regularly 

to be SURE it's not TOO thick or thin

NOW

she's having it checked 

to SEE if her

KIDNEYS 

are still 

OKAY 

BUT 

when she complains 

they're LIKE 

THIS 

is what it's like NOW and they twerk the MEDS 

we went to her primary

she had been retaining water

BUT 

we don't really know how much because 

SHE WON'T WRITE ANYTHING DOWN 

I'm LIKE 

I feel like you want me at the doctor 

to ASK the RIGHT 

QUESTIONS

BUT 

I don't know WHY we're HERE 

BUT 

as we were there

& I was talking to her doctor 

I REALIZED what is 

GOING ON

she doesn't want to do the SURGERY to FIX 

her VALVE

& she THINKS she can just

GO ON INDEFINITELY 

on the diuretics 

& the cardiologist 

isn't making it 

CLEAR

even to ME, really 

I keep trying to explain 

she just needs to

MANAGE it

BUT 

she won't, really 

AND

I ASKED her primary 

who she LOVES*

*in the way she loves people who don't argue with her or cross her, or tell her things she doesn't want to know

WHAT

is the ACTUAL situation 

& the doctor said 

BASICALLY 

if she GETS the surgery 

SURE 

she's old and she MIGHT not make it

BUT 

if she DOES 

she will feel better

& probably live for years

if she DOESN'T get it

then she WILL 

HAVE

FAILURE 

& THEN it's EITHER 

an EMERGENCY open heart surgery*

*where the outcome will then be to get it back to almost as good as she's doing now, but definitely no better and possibly not this good

OR

she's ACTIVELY DYING 

& they can give her

DRUGS

for the PAIN 

while she does

I'm LIKE 

I'm not trying to be 

MEAN 

I just don't think she

UNDERSTANDS

I think she thinks she can go on indefinitely like this -- I want her to understand her choices

BECAUSE 

I totally GET

I don't want open heart surgery 

I'mma just live

UNTIL I die

BUT 

SHE WANTS to LIVE

she just doesn't 

want SURGERY 

I texted her saturday 

HOW 

are you doing 

FINE

I just dropped off my 2023 taxes 

NOW

I didn't KNOW 

she was

BEHIND 

on her

TAXES

SO

this just SEEMED super random to me

BUT 

I'm pretty sure 

she's NOT 

THINKING about her

MORTALITY 

& her life decisions

AND

I just don't know what to say to 

I just dropped off 

LAST year's TAXES 

in the place where

EMOTIONS 

we're

EXPECTED 

second rule of work club

I'm AT

WORK CLUB 

my therapist 

SAYS 

he's 

good to go

for tomorrow 

I'm having some 

EMOTIONS

around 

STRESS

& uncertainty 

BUT 

TALKING about them

is

not what I want to do 

I want to 

GROUND 

MYSELF 

I'll TRY to 

SAY 

something about it tonight 

MAYBE 

I'd LIKE to 

UNIVERSAL-IZE it

& I don't think I'm 

THERE 

YET

🫶🫶🫶

SORRY 

I'll talk tomorrow 

🫶🫶🫶

I feel weird that I'm trying to get my mom to engage with reality

took mom to the doctor today 

I FIND

I'm PROCESSING 

I'm not sure 

I'm gonna be

all that

TALK-Y

❤️

friday slightly after noon

they censored my comments 

about my

HAPPINESS 

over

DISH soap in BAR form

PRODUCT --  placement 

& my attempt

to re-CONNECT with

my physical 

FORM

through 

COMPRESSION 

I'm NOT SURE 

WHAT

the problem was 

night thoughts

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

up too late Friday morning

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶🫶🫶

blush again

that CARGO swimmables 

I got it in a 

BOXED

SET

I ALMOST 

threw it AWAY 

WITHOUT 

EVEN

trying it on

THAT

is 

HOW MUCH

PUSHBACK 

to

P!NK

it was the

SHEEN

that won me over

to TRY it 

on my 

FACE

evening on thursday wobble

NO 

I read the email again 

& I don't THINK 

that's what 

they are

TALK

ING

A

BOUT

I WILL 

START

putting the title in -- although I need to THINK of some way to NOT HAVE to THINK UP

SOME clever bullsh*t

EVERY time 

you 

KNOW 

the capitalization is not just some word stress thing, right

it LARGELY about 

the way it LOOKS like concrete poetry

PLUS 

it's easier on the 

EYE

I have NOT said that 

a jillion times 

BECAUSE 

I don't 

WANT to SOUND some KINDA way

I MIGHT be SLOW

OH

it occurs to me 

MAYBE 

they 

MEAN

I NEED titles

Thursday morning

well

haley had said

they sell out 

FAST

& I'm LIKE*

*to myself:  I've booked early line thingies at SW airlines I KNOW how to be the first minute is best

BUT 

I had a SMALL snafu

with sign up 

& didn't make the

FIRST FIFTY

BUT 

I'm IN

& they sent me an email at 10:18

only 33 memberships left

SHE WASN'T 

KIDDING 

FAST

blush (oh no this changes the publication date)

SO

there WAS a rabbit 🕳️ around BLUSH

& it WAS

an 

EPIC

STRUGGLE 

NOT

to buy a PINK

BLUSH 

I NEVER

WANT 

P!NK

BUT 

P!NK

looks

REAL

on ME or

SOMETHING 

& I DECIDED on a FANCY one

& it was

ON SALE 

when I went to

BUY it

I gotta sleep 

🫶🫶🫶

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋🌊

BLAH blah STUFF DIALECTICS 

THINGS that

CONNECT

with your previous 

OR IDEAL

SELVES

I DECIDED 

to get a refillable

ONE blush

& THEN

I will THROW AWAY

all the OTHER blushes

ALSO

I decided I WANTED 

BLUSHER

& it is too complicated to explain ALL the

ELEMENTS

that that ties into

BUT 

the DIALECTICS led me

to the conclusion 

that

CARGO swimmables CATALINA 

is the ONLY 

BLUSH 

I've EVER

REALLY 

thought looked good on ME 

& I thought 

GOOD 

ANOTHER 

CANADIAN brand to SUPPORT 

BUT 

they've CEASED operations 

AND

I watched a DE-CLUTTER influencer 

she's NOT a STUFF person 

she's a HELP the 

STUFF person PERSON 

it was HARD to 

WATCH

BUT 

she was taking a SIMILAR strategy

to what I HAVE in SO FAR as I am 

consciously AWARE of things 

BUT 

it was SO helpful 

PERSPECTIVE-wise

SOMETHING 

about the

DISCONNECT 

between 

useful THINGS you haven't USED 

& don't really INTEND to USE

& USEFUL things

that are the

THINGS

you

USE

AND

I've had some

MEMORIES

&

I'm SO

TEMPTED

to TELL 

you about them

OR

to SAY

don't ever do THIS 

BUT 

it's NOT a 

thing you'd do

BUT 

if I tell you

it MAKES it a THING 

& if I'm WALKING AWAY from it

WHY

would I CALL it

INTO my

FUTURE 

BUT 

THEN I'm NOT 

TALKING 

SO

there's SOME of THAT too

BUT 

I've ALSO 

been trying to work through 

some BODY issues

& it isn't STUFF 

I really WANT 

to REinforce

by TAKING about it

& PROCESSING 

STUFF issues

my HEAD is

FULL

it's been WEIRD 

when I was saying goodnight 

blogger said 

I had possibly violated 

community standards

which made no sense 

SO 

I put fewer emojis

which was the only thing I could think might be the problem 

I have had a BAD headache today 

I just don't have 

MUCH to REPORT 

TODAY

I hope you are

BASKING in some NONcrazy-ness

I'm going to try to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

🫶🫶🫶

they had

OAT MILK 

I LIKE it 

I'm not 💯 happy with the 

ANSWERS 

to my questions

BUT 

I LIKE it 

they are open 24/7

are there any 

STAFF

at night

they have staff

CHECK IN

periodically 

you need their app to get in

there ARE security cameras 

BUT 

HOW SAFE 

it would be to WORK at random night 

UNKNOWN, really 

they have phone booths

WHICH are BOOKABLE for ZOOM meetings

& SUCH

as well as a meeting room

BOOKABLE 

all of it

ONLINE 

so then is the door LOCKED and it opens with a CODE or something to the ONE who booked it

OR

is it the honor system

I ASK since there is NO GATEKEEPER on-hand

it is honor system 

BUT 

there IS a PROCESS of email

to COMPLAIN 

if there is someone else in your booked room

& OF COURSE 

you can SAY

HEY

THIS is MY ROOM 

I'm LIKE 

SO

if I book one of those things

for a business purpose 

I COULD 

POTENTIALLY 

not be able to actually do my business 

WELL 

YES, potentially 

they were all really 

NICE 

& not full of sh*t

the COFFEE was

EXCELLENT 👍 and they had water & milks too

although, potentially, they might be out of milks

BECAUSE 

how often are they checking in 

there is a limited light situation in the 

DEEP FOCUS room

which is not optional 

there are study carrels with a tiny light at each

BUT 

you can't move it 

DOWN

to where you can 

REALLY SEE

what your 

WORKING on 

BUT 

I have a small portable light

I could take 

& I don't think it would be a problem 

there is SO much STUFF in the AREA

I TEND to GO

PLACES 

in my travel path

SO

I feel like this would open up

my WORLD

quite a bit 

IF

I will ACTUALLY 

GO

I took it as a good sign

they had cy twombly books on display

in fact

a THOUGHT I had

I bet I could 

SNEAK 

some books

IN

I'm not sure WHY I thought it 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 🫶 🫶 🫶 

I LOVE you 

I'm going to check out that

WORK CLUB tomorrow 

I can't explain 

the diffuse 

little bit of 

this

little bit of 

that

RABBIT 🕳️ 

that was today 

I LOVE you SO MUCH 

I hope you are having FUN 

& setting the world 

on 🔥

here's to my

finding 

ARTICULATION 

there's a LOT going on in the world 

👾🫚🍀🔥

🫶🫶🫶

☁️☕☁️

🌊☄️

❤️

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶🫶🫶

sorry I didn't talk much 

👾🫚🍀🔥☄️☁️☕🌊😁

I'm watching 

KUNG FU 

I LOVE you 

🌊

I'm going to sleep 

I've been thinking about 

your long arms

goodnight sweetheart 💋

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶🫶🫶

👾🫚🍀🔥☄️

☁️🌊

☕

when it comes right down to it 

I don't remember 

ENOUGH 

detail

to make

MORE of a 

STORY

than to tell you we WATCHED THOSE together 

probably at a slightly inappropriate age

at least the they shoot horses

for CONTEXT it was

AFTER we'd had

our TALK 

about

SUICIDE 

& I WISH 

I could remember 

I didn't understand the title and he had to

EXPLAIN about

putting the horse out of it's 

MISERY

BUT 

I can't remember 

SEEMS like 

that would have been a 

CONTRADICTION 

to his previous 

MESSAGE 

AND

I REALIZE 

this might be 

UNCOMFORTABLE 

I'm not trying to make some statement 

I AM

a little bit 

DISTRESSED

about the

STATE 

of things

BUT 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

I'm probably not super coherent 

I am listening to a FOCUS group 

of t*ump voters

HISPANIC 

t*ump voters

& this one woman is 

HAPPY 

the borders are closed

she feels so much 

SAFER

& I'm 

WONDERING 

WHERE she

LIVES

I don't think she'd FEEL safer if she lived somewhere she was affected by 

ICE raids

AND THEN 

I REMEMBERED 

people 

in line at *$

TALKING 

about

THREAT level COLORS

FOX NEWS

manufacturing REALITY 

I slept late 

& woke up with a headache 

I had productive things 

I was gonna do

BUT 

I'm not gonna do sh*t

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 🫶 🫶 🫶 

I'm SO TIRED I'm going to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

BIG BIG HUGS 

🫶🫶🫶

👾🫚🍀🔥

goodnight ☄️

☁️☕☁️

🌊

I think I might need to think about this a little longer before I can make it coherent 

I watched a lot of TV

BUT 

my dad had slipped discs 

in his lower back

he got up 

he moved around 

he went to the store for cigarettes 

came back

without cigarettes 

I only remember 

watching two movies with him when I was a kid

probably I'm forgetting some

the two movies were

OH

THERE 

HOUDINI 

they shoot horses don't they 

&

butch cassidy & the sundance kid

OMG

I JUST remembered 

we watched 

KUNG FU

ANYWAY 

I feel like 

because the first two movies 

I thought of called to mind by songs

I thought I should probably tell you about them

BUT my memory is a little sketchy 

& I need to ruminate 

I was like that same 

EIGHT ish age

& I wanted

I'm not sure why

 

to talk about 

that apartment 

I guess it just

ACTIVATED 

my personal timeline

STORIES 

BUT 

now that I remembered 

KUNG FU 

I'm wondering just HOW much 

of my personality is from 

THAT

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

I was with my mom

I'll talk LATER 

it occurred to me 

I have all these thoughts 

i did some more

I put a LOT of alcohol 

SO

we'll see what we get

when it dries 

I worked on this before I listened 

and this is how this one dried

I don't think it's finished 

I BOTH 

found the CD

& REMEMBERED to

BRING it with me to the studio 

it's beautiful ❤️❤️❤️

F*CK

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

I hope you are having fun 

& I am hugging you 

SO TIGHT 

🫶🫶🫶

👾🫚🍀🔥❤️

🌊

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶🫶🫶

👾🫚🍀🔥

❤️❤️❤️

OK

it DOES look like 

BAD sh*t is continuing to go down 

I LOVE you 

& I'm not 
NEWSING

NOW

🫶🫶🫶

☁️☕☁️

🌊

OH

ALSO 

I ALMOST forgot 

there's this way

in which 

you HAVE to 

NOT 

THINK 

about things

in order to not 

LIKE 

driving a car

was SUPER overwhelming to ME because 

I had lost the ability to 

USE the FORCE

& HAD

to be AWARE of everything 

& there's a LOT of stuff like that