too early to tell
if it's
working
Saturday, May 4, 2024
Friday, May 3, 2024
I really do LOVE you
and I believe
you love me too
I THINK about you
all the time
you are scattered through
EVERYTHING
it's STRANGE
a strange way to go through the world
BUT
I will say
I don't remember being
QUITE this AWARE
AND
the reason why
stand up
is the ANALOG
for ten days in the DESERT
there's a WAY
to do it RIGHT
ya gotta
LOOK at HOW you see the world
DIFFERENT*
*there's more to it but no essay tonight about the theories I have about comedy
I was talking to my therapist
BUT I don't think
I've told you THIS yet
I'm NOT super nervous
about the idea
going on stage
I've been on stage
NOT in the SAME way
the nutcracker
I wasn't important or anything
I was background
but I didn't care
I prayed the girl who played me in b cast would
get sick and I would have to do all the shows
STAND UP
you are alone on stage
BUT that doesn't
REALLY seem
all that different than having an
UNINTERESTED group at the TRAINING center
to monitor
HOLD and
direct INTEREST
BUT
the thing is
I don't think I'm all that worked up
I don't think I'm doing it
for the like VALIDATION
I don't THINK
feel the way about external validation
I THINK I'm STRANGE
and there is so much
I'm gonna learn about myself
WRITing it
AND
DOing it
CHOCOLATE makes him
SNEEZE twelve times
I love that song from guys & dolls
THAT'S going in the rotation
THE NEW one I know about
MIGHT not be NEW
all these medical entities
calling my mom
& the other olds
they ASK
CAN YOU HEAR ME
and when they say
YES
they record it as PROOF
you AGREED to
SOMETHING
as yet
UNBILLED -- unknown
OH eugene the JEEP
I FORGOT
whompus cats is good
PRETZELs you can eat us but you can't beat us
Bishop boil LANCERS
Quarry Lads
GONG SHOW
Wednesday, May 1, 2024
I am really not sure
how I'm doing
I feel like
I'm making progress with my health
I mean
I'm kinda plateaued weight wise
I just need
MORE exercise
BUT
I'm still KINDA floating
about the blood pressure
& the walking
BUT
ALSO
it was LIKE
making a new neural link
BUT I WISH
I could make you feel
the CHANGES
I MEAN my feet
are fine works of hydraulic wonder
that fascia stuff in my torso*
*which was so ongoingly painful
has resolved
I can TWIST
there is something WEIRD going on
with my BACK
there's this big section
it is giving me
CALLUS vibes
no idea
SOME embodied trauma madame
& a soupcon of back bacon
my hair
is growing in
a lot of shorter new growth
I was not healthy
I'm NOT like fit NOW
BUT I feel like
I have made a lot of progress
BUT ALSO
like I got a BUNCH of stuff processing
LIKE I'm figurin it ALL out
is that TRUE or sort of true
OR would the
BELIEF
be enough of a VICTORY
WHY look for delusions
I don't believe I've been prone to optimism
FANTASY yes
but even THAT isn't
all THAT optimistic generally
MAYBE
maybe I'm full of sh*t
I NEVER like to rule THAT out
there WILL be times
it's just sometimes
gonna be me
alternate whatzit sounds interesting
NBA TV
I have nothing to do
with JP Morgan
& I'm guessing
he won't in the future either
TRANSLATOR -- yes Nigel!
this SWEATER read
gets under my skin -- I can't explain it
kentucky DERBY
GOLDEN GATE fields
belmont at Saratoga
mile and a quarter
CHARM
I haven't ever been to the race track
I don't THINK
I've always thought
it sounds interesting but
I guess not for me
WAIT
I gotta start the uniforms over
OKAY I didn't miss anything
BUT I still feel
like I missed something
UNIVERSAL performance PANTS
well if NIKE wanted to INNOVATIVE
& it didn't work
THAT is NIKE
they ALL just do REALLY bad with sweat
MIKE TROUT
TWELVE times
CHUCK BARRY promised land
MASCOT ologist
she's a maniac
signa continuing saga
OK
fixin to listen to TK
I thought I had talked earlier
it's NOT that
you're NOT an inspiration
AND
it's NOT that I don't think I'm a writer
BUT
it's like I said way back
you're the love of my life
& I'm aware
from certain perspectives
that maybe seems
CRAZY
I'm not claiming to be normal
I'm not claiming to be sane
I'm NOT trying to
get all WEIRD
I'm not even saying that
the small things
I might fixate
it's KINDA what I do
BUT
TODAY
was kinda WEIRD
Tuesday, April 30, 2024
I woke up in the night
with leg cramps
I don't know
if I didn't get enough water
or
what
BUT
they were fine to walk to therapy
I've never walked
ANY of that
WALKING
it's like L.A.
BUT
that bridge over the freeway
is REALLY nice
it's a pretty bridge
& people are putting locks on
I'll take different pictures next time
it was high eighties
& I was wearing a hoody
which I thought
I'd need to take off
BUT I didn't
but when I was sitting in RUDZ
I became aware
MAN, I stink!
four days in a row
is too much for me at my age
I got to play with WILBON
with his new clubs
you are not a very positive person
says his son
it held my interest marginally
MARLINS, NATS, white Sox
are no good
MR hocus pocus JUNK
is suggesting a down grade
from brilliant GENIUS
to slightly incomprehensible cleverness
AND
I THINK
THAT is all the CONFIRMATION
we needed
I say adorable GENIUS
I sometimes feel
like
I'm NOT giving you
what you want
what you
NEED
from me
MAYBE
you want me to be
a groupie
a cheerleader
a person
who is superficially complicated
but simple in the ways
that makes them a joy
AND
SUBSEQUENTLY
that I fail you miserably
just when you think
you know what's going on
I say no no
and change
I don't know
if this is right
or
sorta right
or
complete paranoia
I FEEL
pressure
to be what I think you want
& confliction
because
I'm not SURE
--actually what you want
--that what you want
is something I want to be
--that I should probably focus more
on what I want
BUT
I am almost overwhelmed
with this feeling
that I FAILED you
that you needed
a specific
SOMETHING
that I didn't understand
BUT
YOU are not like
an inspiration or something for me to write
I write because
YOU are my connection to SOMETHING
something that I HOPE
to understand about
EXISTENCE
no pressure
ðŸ¤
Monday, April 29, 2024
the walk
honestly
was the best part
but
I got a fish sando
MOSTLY because they CALLED it
SANDO
the bartender
from whom
I ordered
FOOD
& a bottled water
was really cute
in a way
that
I would be tempted to call
FLIRTY but wasn't REALLY
she was all LIKE
I brought you
a complimentary ranch
because I was
WONDERING
if you might enjoy it
with your sweet potato fries
while SOMEHOW
doing this
I've been trying to describe this
for like ten minutes
she moved through the frame
in a way that SEEMED
both sped up
& slowed down
it was WEIRD
BUT
it SEEMED
designed to attract attention
I'm all LIKE
oh thank you very much
& she's like
OF COURSE
a little dramatically
idk
OK
the topical lesson
for the day is
there is a THING
called porn hub
& apparently
it's NOT
available
in texas
ANYMORE
they did a different format
kettle draw
LIKE drawing names
out of a hat
BUT
NOT
so it was mixed up
& only three minutes
THEN
they had
working comedians
testing out
new
material
the whole shebang finished
by ten
Sunday, April 28, 2024
that doesn't mean
I'm looking for
strengthening
it's history
& associations
& stuff
I'm not SURE
of some stuff
I'd forgotten KINDA
but then
Almond Joy
& MAYBE
I'm unsure of more variables
than I realized
AND
I have this FEELING about
what I THOUGHT
you thought
at certain points
along
the way
AND
I THOUGHT some things
and then
there's SOME stuff
that doesn't
make sense
ANY
of the ways I've looked at it
SO I KNOW there's
ANOTHER WAY to LOOK at it
and then I'm back in that
I feel like there's
SOMETHING
I'm SUPPOSED to UNDERSTAND
that I DON'T understand
and then I feel vulnerable
OK
I listened and wrote it down
& now I'm copying
what I wrote
BOWLING
Madison Square Garden
take your child to work
ROCKETTES
ringer=syd
BROADWAY show league
17-10 we had fun
syd=MVP
Fill in FRANK
PARKING
Brooklyn nets
longer the team goes the more opportunities you have, but also the less time you get off
DAN BERN one hundred years ago on PTI
if shoeless Joe stays HEALTHY
brilliant
he embarrassed her
TK sense of humor
80s cop movie
on time, suit, pay attention
AROUND the HORN
need a new yorker
Isola
people come after me all the time
opinions
don't have to be personal
Bugs Bunny
iPhone
BRICK OVEN - brooklyn pizza
Pearl Jam
SNL after party
olive oil finger
SHAWSHANK parenthood
if they are basing this toilet paper thing
ON public bathroom rules
THOSE are
PRETTY much always
gonna be OVER
because
LOWER use for over
equals lower cost
plus
less likely to end up on the floor
the GREG GARCIA heist
I feel
EXTRA vulnerable
Saturday, April 27, 2024
Friday, April 26, 2024
that song is stuck
in my head
if you're
seeing it
not that last bit
just up to the mustache cup
whatever that is
I ALMOST
sent you a picture of Nutella
BUT that
SEEMED
EXTRA
do you even still like Nutella
I think I wandered around
the CVS for at least an hour
it isn't THAT big
I think three miles is more than I usually walk
but it wasn't difficult
I am in a weird mood today
NOT BAD
just
different in a way I can't
put my finger on
Thursday, April 25, 2024
Wednesday, April 24, 2024
edited again, weird autocorrect not caught before
MAN
I am getting
these FLASHES
of YOU pushing up your sleeves*
*that way you do
I do not KNOW
🫦
probably
I should clarify
YOU have
this graceful WAY you MOVE
there are bits
that
POSSESS me
I KNOW
they aren't past the COMMERCE
I got allergies
REALLY bad growing up
I got sinus infections
PRETTY much
EVERY year
in college during mid terms
I CALLED my doctor
I'm all LIKE
I can't come in I have that SAME sinus infection
I get every year can you call me in a prescription
NO
SO
I went to
MOVABLE FEAST
& found
BOIRON sinus
and in three days it was GONE
THAT was KINDA
GATEWAY
BEFORE I listen
to TK
I should MAYBE clarify
BUT
I can't REMEMBER
when or where I played with a switch blade
he was telling me
I should get one
OR he could get me one
it was weird
ALSO
of course
ALL that FUNNY stuff
I DO that my therapist was telling me
it's NONE of it
SUPPOSED to be funny
JUST me
INTERACTING
ALSO
SOMETHING about
*what can I call it
*STATIONS of the FUNNY
made STUFF start
SPINNING
AGAIN
lots of FEELS
Tuesday, April 23, 2024
I've been experimenting
with protein
I don't know if I told you
about the egg white
idea
BUT I decided
no
& I thought maybe
if I could find a clean whey
I found one*
I mixed it with coconut water
it has no sweetener at all
& it has COFFEE
it's two scoops a serving
I did three scoops for 40g
and it didn't seem
to have caused any problems
I mix a chia thing that's about 10g
the chlorella tabs are 5g
then I also took perfect aminos
which is supposed to be
equivalent 30g
is that really
how your body utilizes it
I'm not sure HOW
let's say
yes
that's 85ish grams of protein
BREAKFAST
LUNCH 35g
DINNER I'm not sure lentils
about 35g
+ chlorella 5g
+ aminos 30g
that is perhaps 190g
that is about as much as I can handle
I did a string like that
TODAY
is the first FAST/mim
my therapist
was actually saying
like THIS thing that you do
it could be in your
ACT
what kind of FUNNY are you
by which he meant
STYLE
& I'm LIKE idk
roughly OBSERVATIONAL I guess
he was all like
don't get offended okay
& I'm LIKE
in my experience
NOTHING
that starts with
DON'T get OFFENDED
ever
ends well
he just wanted to imitate me
to show me
the FUNNY things
I DO
it didn't offend me
BUT
it was
WEIRD
*Opportuniteas grass-fed whey protein isolate
AND
maybe this isn't obvious
I asked myself
what would you like to say that you were
& I said comedian
I don't think I ever
SERIOUSLY considered
in FACT I'm pretty sure
it just NEVER got
CONSIDERED
NOW
I haven't done it yet
BUT why would I not TRY
MAYBE
it will work out
maybe it will be obviously WRONG
BUT knowing what I know about me
it's gonna go BETTER
if I follow my
INTUITION
I FEEL the money concern
I REALLY feel the money concern
in FACT
right this moment
I'm FEELING the money thing
PRETTY hard
&
I'm wondering if the comedy thing
is some kind of psychological
TACTIC I'm using on myself
I guess
I WORRY that
OH CRAP sh*t is lining up
I'm trying to get my sh*t together
AND
I have this FEELING
that trust the process
BUT
MAYBE it's something
RANDOM unexpected that happens
I was suspicious
of the manic
red flag
& the fact
that I didn't even think about the bar & night
& crowds of people
I'm LIKE is that
a sign
that
I don't I don't remember what I said*
*and this is clearer anyway
I'm CLEARLY bypassing
WHOLE PARTS
of my mental processing
is THAT a GOOD thing
because I'm not letting anything
BECOME an obstacle
OR is it just
manic daydream
I DO WANT to see you
this is not some weird brush off
I just don't think
that tutoring thing
I'm NOT SURE what I THINK
I'm still trying to figure out
HOW I could make that WALKING thing WORK
LAST WEEK
I was tired and wanted to go home
I got roped in to a little group thing at the studio
THEY ASKED me
if I was WORKING on
SOMETHING else
I said yes
a book
FICTION or NON FICTION
fictionalized
a modified EPISTOLARY form
I'm DEVELOPING
I just said THAT in the MOMENT
I MEAN I KNEW that's what I was doing
BUT I'd never said it ALOUD
I'm not sure about my therapist
he's definitely doing something
&
I'm trying to remind myself
that he isn't
free from human stuff
just because he's
a professional
BUT
I FEEL like TODAY
was WEIRD
& LIKE
I'm making progress
BUT I might
just be
MAD
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