i love you halo

i love you sweetness

have a beautiful day today

i thought i felt you tonight at about 7pm, pulling on me, like where are you why haven't you said anything

i was shopping

i bought some clothes
colorful clothes
an orange shirt
2 blue, orange, and white boho chic tie dye

and
i bought this jacket/cardigan/whatever
it's mostly white with black boho chic tie dye
it swings down in the front
it's not really slimming
but i don't feel like
night grew a head is all that slimming, really
but
it looks like
slightly ritual garb, somehow
and
i hope it doesn't come off as hippie
it's some label i haven't heard of before
[so are the other thing]
they are all fenn wright manson
oh yeah, and the abstract print sleeveless shirt
that's really what got me started
i can't believe i'm gonna wear a sleeveless shirt as a jacket
and
that i'm gonna wear a bright print
but
it's beautiful
and it looks good on me
and
i wanted some color
i'm starting to feel like my wardrobe is too old for me

more this is not the story

for a while i went to an acupuncturist.  and one day --  i'm sure it was the day of your bicycle vision  --  i saw you so clearly and spoke to you.  i can't remember what was said, you know how that goes sometimes, and maybe i didn't say anything at all, really.  for me, i don't think it was a bike.  i'm pretty sure you were in a folding beach lounger.  could that have really happened?  the important thing was that i touched your consciousness.  i was sure we had a quantum entanglement.  i was sure you were tied to my mission.  i was like an activated sleeper.

did you think about me?  you were kind of a mess for a while there.  i doubt you thought about me much.  maybe, after you realized i lacked the bag of chips you forgot me entirely.  at least until you read some of what i had to say about flying.  i think now, i wrote like a starched shirt then.  ok, maybe lightly starched and with love.  but still.  one thing i'm not, i'm not a phony, and i guess you could see that.  you couldn't quite believe it, though.  and i guess i made a lot of assumptions about the kind of girl you were used to based on how you reacted.  which is part of why i wanted to be a person instead of a woman.  it always sounds weird to me:  woman.  girl sounds less oppressive.  chick, somehow, almost better.  none of this is or ever has been pathology.  i mean, sure i got the penis envy, but that doesn't make me a dude or anything.  maybe it was all just dirt from the road.  i guess you think i cleaned up ok.  i just didn't want to get lost in translation.

i keep thinking about the hollywood sign.

i love you, please don't turn out to be a delusion

why are you so much better than everyone else

why do you make me feel
so much more loved
than anyone ever has

even
when you don't say anything
even
when i'm not sure you're real

i can feel you

it's crazy

because i really believe
that you feel tenderly towards me
but also a whole host of other things
but
the tenderly has sometimes been the most unbelievable
if you understand me

i don't seem to care about anything
as much as i care about you

i love you mi pimenton

i dreamed i was taking the bus to work
and it kept raining and raining

i have to say

i like the idea of cooking for you

i want to make mole

mi semental, oops i mean mi caballo

damn you auto correct

now i'm just lelo

recipe - pois chiches bourguignon

phase 1

combine these ingredients in a crockpot

2 1/2 cups chickpeas [soaked]
1 2x3 piece of kombu
2 Tbs cumin seeds
3/4 Tbs fennel seed
1 Tbs ground black pepper
2 tsp rosemary
2 tsp smoked paprika
1 bag sundried tomatoes [about 10 oz] chopped
2 medium onions chopped
2 small dried chipotle peppers
5 large dried peppers [NM, ancho, or similar]
3 cloves of garlic [chopped]
2 bottles bridgeport dark rain beer [black ipa]
1 cup chianti
2 Tbs black truffle oil

if needs be add enough water that chickpeas are 1 inch below the surface, it is fine if the peppers float.  cook on high for 10 - 12 hours.  you will probably need to add water after 8 hours.  if you are at home when you cook this, stir every 2 hours.  if not, skip that step.


phase 2

2 medium onions coarsely chopped
5 cloves of garlic chopped
1 cup red wine [something with more fruit:  merlot, pinot noir, garnacha]
2 tsp smoked paprika
1 tsp chili powder
2 tsp curry powder
1 tsp konriko brand chipotle seasoning
1/2 tsp red pepper flakes
1/2 tsp cumin seeds

again, top off with water.  turn heat down to low and cook another 6 - 8 hours.


you will love this

recipe - pois chiches bourguignon

phase 1

combine these ingredients in a crockpot

2 1/2 cups chickpeas [soaked]
1 2x3 piece of kombu
2 Tbs cumin seeds
3/4 Tbs fennel seed
1 Tbs ground black pepper
2 tsp rosemary
2 tsp smoked paprika
1 bag sundried tomatoes [about 10 oz] chopped
2 medium onions chopped
2 small dried chipotle peppers
5 large dried peppers [NM, ancho, or similar]
3 cloves of garlic [chopped]
2 bottles bridgeport dark rain beer [black ipa]
1 cup chianti
2 Tbs black truffle oil

if needs be add enough water that chickpeas are 1 inch below the surface, it is fine if the peppers float.  cook on high for 10 - 12 hours.  you will probably need to add water after 8 hours.  if you are at home when you cook this, stir every 2 hours.  if not, skip that step.


phase 2

2 medium onions coarsely chopped
5 cloves of garlic chopped
1 cup red wine [something with more fruit:  merlot, pinot noir, garnacha]
2 tsp smoked paprika
1 tsp chili powder
2 tsp curry powder
1 tsp konriko brand chipotle seasoning
1/2 tsp red pepper flakes
1/2 tsp cumin seeds


again, top off with water.  turn heat down to low and cook another 6 - 8 hours.




i really don't think she's going to make this
and i know she's going to add meat
but what she like was the thickness of the broth
and she's not going to get that unless
she lets it really cook down
but
whatever


you'll love this

this is not the story [maybe i'm a surrealist] {is that too obscure a joke, or do you get it}

there really was a pea soup restaurant.  i thought you made that up but it was true, literally.  probably lots of things are literally true and others are true, not literally.  i've been watching lost so i'm afraid you'll have to forgive me for running on this way.  or don't.  but i can't help it.  when i pull the story together from the scattered corners with my candle and feather it's all leaven.  the red wolf, the raven, even the thunderbird who hasn't made an appearance in a while, but i just keep coming back to fortune tellers.  can you tell a story that jumps around in time and space but keeps coming back to words?  the light in the attic, the cup of sugar, the flipflops.  how much sense will it all make?  probably you'll understand it, and that's all i ever really cared about.  and the fact that we live in a world that is largely imaginary is maybe good or maybe bad, or maybe both.  but the fact that you can live there with me is the reason.

i know that sounds like an unfinished sentence.

i'm like thumbelina, pocket-sized.  i am gulliver the giant from johnny swift or is that jonny quest i could swear you said jonny quest.  i'm always there, or never there, and that's just the way you maybe always wanted it to be.

 how i met your father?  well, when i was eleven or twelve i went to a fortune teller who said i would have a child who would be a scientist;  that i would get involved with his work and that would make me live longer.  but i think the gypsy was wrong.  i don't think you're the scientist, i think it's your daddy.  and i don't think 72 is the age i'm going to live to be, i think when he saw 72 it had to do with the names of god.  i could be wrong.  those psychic flashes tend to be metaphor.  your daddy, he knew me when he first saw me, but he was tripping balls, i think.  when he saw me again, he recognized me, but he didn't think i was all that and a bag of chips.  you can't see my fiery wings unless you're tripping.  anyway.  it took years and years and several wheels of good fresh cheese until he recognized me again.  

i love you my little mousseline

tonight's reading/story ideas

what would he like to read:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=832108&Date=7%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=922721&Date=7%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

romance or sex:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=446723&Date=7%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=316669&Date=7%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

muse or partner:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=284079&Date=7%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=50746&Date=7%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

setting:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=564765&Date=7%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

any element he wants included:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=372743&Date=7%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=62745&Date=7%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=236450&Date=7%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

OK
i'll do my best

i want to write you something

but
i'm not sure

what

or if i can right now

i want to write about dancing with you in the moonlight
but
i don't think that's the right thing to write now

i want to write about the birth of my child
but
i don't think i have the ability yet

there are lots of things
i want to write
but

i'm not sure
what you want to read

i'm up late

i found a synagogue more or less local to me
that has a woman rabbi
but
it will be a pain to drive to
and
it's serious suburbs

whereas
there are a bunch near me
in fact
one is closer than the whole foods
but
that guy looks like a used car salesman in his picture
and they are meeting at the methodist church while they're building
and
i don't know

i just feel like i should try again

and the place i went before
they are all organized and web friendly
i could take their class and get my piece of paper, or whatever
so i could be legit
although
i guess it depends
on how legit you wanna get

i was trying to warm up to the idea of conservative
but i was listening to recordings on their website
and
their affiliate school was in the baseball finals
and the rabbi was saying
he supported the school not letting them play
because some things are just too important
[even though they knew that would be an issue
if they were good enough to get to the end
which apparently they didn't think they would be]

and
that's when i realized
i could never be conservative
because i was horrified


surely it's like a special mitzvah to play baseball
and anyway
how often do you make it to the finals
i mean they just forfeited the game
so they ruined it for their kids
but they ruined it for the other kids too
and reinforced
for everyone
that jews are bad sports

that's some crap
i want no part of that

i woke up several times in the night, which is not normal for me

i dreamed that two children were hit by a van
and i was trying to call 911
but i was in a strange place
and i didn't really know where i was
and the operator kept asking me questions
based on where i live
which was also kinda freaking me out
because how does he know

i also dreamed
i was in a, let's say, rite aid
[something like it anyway]
and you were there
and i was there
and she was there
and i was looking at makeup
and pretending not to know her
and she was walking around, threatening to leave
pretending not to know me

it was uncomfortable for me
it seemed mostly irritating for her
and
i'm not sure what you felt about it

the makeup i was looking at, if that has significance
was thick pencils with different colors in the same stick
to get like a blended thing
or color and liner in one kind of thing

i did not sleep well

i don't know what's up with the bad dreams

i had a very active night of dreaming

but
i don't remember much
pennies
apples
bathrooms

oh
and drinking with your friends
at a comedy workshop type thing
only
it doesn't seem like
i really liked your friends
all that much
which was
for me
kinda a bummer

i love you sweets

i'm going to bed now

i want you

i love you very much

have fun

i'm not as sure as last time
but
when i asked this morning
i get an excited response
like a puppy jumping up and down
which i found startling
and it said:

girlgirlgirlgirlgirl

so
i'm goin with girl

but
since i sorta think
it was the puppyfish
telling me
i'm not gonna go tell him

today makes the third time i've walked home

i really like
the bus ride
and
the walk

i'll talk more about the walk in another post

i'm getting freckles

i am getting a recurrent pain in the tendons
near my elbows
and i was concerned about it

so
just now
i added up
how much weight i lifted
putting extra strain on my elbows
and
if i just lifted each thing once
[which i didn't, some of them i lifted several times]

1200 pounds


my lower arms
i don't know if i like it

i walked home from work today

i haven't done it before now
because it has been like an oven outside
but
my car was acting up yesterday
so i rode the bus today
and
it was hot
but overcast because it was threatening rain

i thought about just taking the bus home
but the no walk way has a transfer

so anyway
i ended up walking all the way
then
i sang the rocky theme
i couldn't help it

it was tougher right from work
than a stroll to the whole foods on my day off
[even though that's further, well round trip is further]

but i was surprised
i saw like three condoms on the sidewalk
these are not back streets
they are major streets
heavily travelled pretty much 24/7

what gives

anyway
it started to try to rain
big drops, but just a few
and i'm all like:
really, god
you need it to rain right now
you couldn't maybe please just wait
and it stopped
until i was almost home
and i'm all like:
ten more minutes, pretty please
i really appreciate your waiting this long, i do

when i got home
about five minutes later
it just opened up and poured

cool huh

very confusing dream about babies and family in general

not sure i have time to write about it now

my aunt joan had kids
i don't think they were hers
maybe she adopted them

there was this girl
at some sort of reunion
rubbing my back
and i was trying to figure out who she was
she's grand master flash's kid

and the shower curtain bent
like a wet spaghetti noodle
and when we moved the large chair
away from the shower
underneath
was a magazine
from 1954

there was more

i love you, and i thought i felt you a little while ago

take good care of yourself
my sweetheart

tonight's reading

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=784008&Date=7%2F4%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=66562&Date=7%2F4%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=248178&Date=7%2F4%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=200158&Date=7%2F4%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

i love you honey

so many things in my dream last night, jumblemania [updated]

i was walking through
the bookstore where i used to work
and the carpet
was soft clover ground cover
like grass
but you don't need to mow it
i was walking barefoot
and i thought:
this is a great great idea

i was living in a shack
or, maybe it was a small trailer
somewhere in the tundra
or maybe a small town near the tundra
there was something dreamlike
about the life within the dream
magic or ritual, tribal
and then i came out
and something was different
i'm not sure what

this part
this part i'm hesitant to tell you
i went to the bathroom
and
although i kept wiping and wiping
i could never get clean
even later
walking around
i kept sticking things down my pants
in a vain attempt at cleanness

there was something about an art show
booths moving around
i don't really remember it well enough

and there was more
a bunch more
that i can't remember

i want you like fire baby

i hope you had fun today
wish i coulda been there

i'm going to bed now

i'm not writing it
not right now
but
i'm
thinking of you

today's reading

what is he thinking about me today:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=433826&Date=7%2F1%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

what does he want to hear from me right now:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=805033&Date=7%2F1%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

huh

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=765276&Date=7%2F1%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=celtic_cross

interesting
i'll give that some thought

tonight

warning: this might be a long post [some shit went down]

so
i got up early because i had extra work to do
but
i also asked for a sign, just because, ya know
the gate wouldn't open to get out of my apartments
so i had to go looking for the other gate

and i'm thinkin:
this is my sign:  no exit

then
i go to work
and things are going ok-ish until-- smash
i was rushing against time
and now i have a huge mess to clean up
but i get it all cleaned up before we open, so cool

and i'm thinkin:
that's my message:  it's gravity day

so
i'm all tryin to look on the bright side and shit
and whatever
i'm bouncin around and bein all effervescent and shit

and i'm thinkin:
that's my message:  it's all attitude

then i come home
and i'm hungry and tired and trying to think
what to write to you

and my mother IMs me:  call her

god damn it

my step father is having heart surgery this week


and
not to make this about me
but, shit, ya know
i can't deal

and
they don't want a second opinion
they aren't gonna research it
to know what to expect
or what's gonna happen afterwards

and my mom
i don't think she's competent to take care of him
and
i don't really want to insert myself into this
i don't really want to be involved
i don't really want to go to my mom's house
[she's kind of a horder]
but
he's gonna be fucked up after

when my dad had his heart surgery
i couldn't even recognize him after
he was gray and he looked like he'd died and been resuscitated
i had to find the bed number to find him in recovery

and my dad
he was always kinda tough, ya know
my step dad
i don't think he can handle this
my mom
is a super-crappy caregiver

i don't like this landscape at all




no exit
gravity day
it's all attitude


shit

rushing now, write later

i'm thinking about you
and
i hope everything is beautiful
like it should be

and

big kiss, baby
i love you very much

i love you

and about that other thing

scary

i thought i felt you this morning

like a tugging on my soul:
need you
want you
now, already

and
i dreamed
i was working in a shop
and it was christmas time
but
it was awesome because there weren't any
christmas decorations or obvious crap

there were dove tea pots
and cookware with bright abstract
enamel pictures
painted into the finish

i love you

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=720282&Date=6%2F25%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

making baba ganoush for the first time

ok
i really hope you love eggplant
because
i have now gotten that cooking and peeling thing
down


i went to the farmers market
i bought 6 scratch and dent eggplants for two dollars
[in this case, scratch and dent just means
ripe and not too pretty]
so then i had to figure out what to do with em
i had not actually planned to buy eggplant

i was gonna do brown rice and broccoli for dinners
and tabouli for lunches [with quinoa]
but then i saw the eggplants

now
i thought about doing a bunch of different stuff with them
but
when you cook em in the oven like that
they cook down a lot
and the other ways i've cooked em
i use a lot of oil, or cheese, or whatnot
so i decided to go all in

i over seasoned it a bit though
i seasoned 1/2 in the first batch of food processing
but, in the second batch the roasted garlic was ready
next time i will just use roasted garlic and salt, i think
i mixed the two batches together and i didn't like it as well

i also made hummus
and
turns out roasted garlic was the missing ingredient there too
and smoked paprika

and for both these dishes
i think the tahini is more important that i thought before

this is the stuff:

it pours out of the jar

which works better

and

it tastes good

i saw finding a friend for the end of the world

i expected it to be a comedy
ya know, from the previews

but it was sad and touching
and it made me think of us

i mean
it's not like it was really the end of the world
but, really, it might as well have been

and
really
a movie doesn't have to be a masterpiece
to make me cry
if it hits me just right

i was, a while ago now
in a hotel room in chicago
watching fred clause
and bawling my eyes out
because, somehow, right then
probably any christmas themed movie
would have been more than i could stand
and
that was before i really knew, ya know

*spoiler alert*
but
when he's lying there next to her
and she's wishing she'd known him when they were kids
he says:
no
it had to happen just this way


and
maybe
that's true for us too
maybe

i love you

voodoo tarot, you are just punking me now

i asked it:
what is he thinking about me right now

but
i didn't do single card
i told it choose for me
and it gave me this:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=685704&Date=6%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=

but
if you're thinking about me right now
i find it hard to believe
that
this
is what you're thinking

so
i don't know what to think
about that

something made me ask, not sure what

is he healthy:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=82181&Date=6%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=1969&Date=6%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=496305&Date=6%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

i don't mean mentally
or
superficially
i mean
physically
and from depth
is he healthy:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=825582&Date=6%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

i'm not sure that i'm comfortable with that answer

will he live to be 120:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=446951&Date=6%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

clearly no


is there any physical illness, currently:


http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=810128&Date=6%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

looks like nothing serious
though
possibly something mild, nonscathing

will we ever live together as a couple:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=190554&Date=6%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

i gotta love the voodoo tarot for this
because
my decks at home aren't so sure
but this deck
always answers that question as a yes

i decided something weird today, i may be having another midlife crisis

ok
so i haven't done the walking thing, yet
but today
i wished i had
because i think i've got the shoes broken in
and
i really wanted to walk home

that's not the weird thing

just kinda spontaneously
i thought to myself:

am i too fat to ride a bicycle
how does that work

because i loved riding my bike as a kid

but
i haven't done that
since i was a kid
and
today
i said to myself:

i want to do the MS150 next year


and
i was all like:

you do? since when are you interested in that?


since now, i guess

tonight's reading

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=356577&Date=6%2F17%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=821338&Date=6%2F17%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=615811&Date=6%2F17%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=85903&Date=6%2F17%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://puppyfishing.blogspot.com/

i love you

i love you

i don't know what will happen

or how whatever will happen will happen

but
i love you so much

i hope
you understand me

i hope
one day
you know me when you see me in the street

i picture now that picture from WWII
you know the famous one of the couple kissing in the street
but
i picture it a little less tame
i want to read the braille of you
i want to inhale the scent of you
i want to dive into you
figuratively

i don't want to own you
but damn
i want you
all of you, every bit


and
the things that keep us apart
god knows about that stuff
god must be fine with it
and
i don't pretend to understand

why

i just kinda took myself on a date

now
i really thought i was a cheap date
but, damn, i really better put out after that

i just had
what has to be
the most expensive deli meal, ever
and, if it's not, i don't wanna know

i thought i was ordering a la carte
but
apparently not
and
a bottle of he'brew is five something, really
i didn't ask
and they didn't tell
[ GENESIS DRY HOPPED SESSION ALE ]

but
it was awesome


i have had lox, and
i like them, they're fine
but i never got all excited about them
probably they weren't very good lox, anyway
but recently i read or saw a documentary about, or something
that you weren't really having lox unless you were having belly lox

so i got the sour cherry soup
which, really
i coulda skipped
shoulda got borscht
i got a poppy seed bagel
with cream cheese and belly lox

i don't quite feel i can believably pull of an oy gevalt
but, like seriously, belly lox is my new favorite food

and the cheesecake
was totally worth the 8.95 i didn't realize it was
it was like milchig heaven this meal

so then
the night was still young
i walked myself down to the DSW
maybe just to look
but
maybe to get some better shoes
because
i have pretty much resolved
to start walking home from work
it's only a little over two miles
i figure i can't really walk to work
because i'd be all sweaty and yuck
and then i do a lot of lifting and toting and running back and forth
when i'm at work
so i don't want to be tired before i start

when i get off work
my feet usually already hurt
and i'm exhausted
but
i actually think the walk would energize me
more than traffic, anyway
i just need better shoes

so
between walking to the bus and from the bus
and walking home
i'd get an extra, i don't know
three miles, give or take


the DSW was a shocker
why is everything a flat or a stripper shoe
there wasn't even anything tempting except sports shoes
in the whole frikkin place--  yuck

i tried on some rykas
and they were comfy
then i tried on some mizunos and they were electric
it's like they were pulling energy from the earth's core
and shoving it into my body through the soles of my feet

they didn't seem quite right though
i kept kinda tripping on my feet
i think they were correcting for something
something maybe i didn't need corrected
they were wave nirvanas
then i tried wave creation
i didn't want to take them off even to buy them
but i did
they gotta check to make sure they're the same size and whatnot

i am so happy

i don't even care if i put out

remembering my dreams

sometimes isn't easy

i was trying
but
they were sounding
a little like they might upset you
so i stopped

there was a girl in a sparkling shorts suit
stars and stripes

but
i got the distinct impression, somehow
that she was you
and she was leaving me

there was a ballet or opera or something
and i was looking at characters
in boxed up personas
pull them out
see the whole of the character
like some holographic trick

and the characters all seemed to be villains

there was more
but it was all weird
and symbolic, i'm sure

it's very rare that i go back to bed once i'm awake
i rarely sleep till 4 in the afternoon, regardless

my head still hurts today
and
i see no front forecasted
so
maybe it's some sort of menstrual cycle thing
that i never associated with that
pre-menstrual migraines
now there's something to be happy about

i had the same issue at least last month
[although there was a storm last month]

i'm not exactly sure when to expect my period
because i saw no evidence of ovulation this month
so, best guess
today or tomorrow

what do sports peppers and neon green relish say to you

me too

now
maybe where you are
there are a lot of chicago expats
but i'm thinkin not so much here
so when i saw the neon green relish, i perked up
but
i've seen that one before
and it's not enough to make me want hot dog
not by itself
but
when i saw the sports peppers

be still my heart


now
tofu pups
though they sound great
taste, not so much with the good
but veggie patch makes one that isn't noticeably vile

but then i realized
i don't remember exactly what goes on a chicago dog
last time i was there i was already not eating meat
so, it's been a while

i think tomato
but not ripe tomato
and i've only got juicy little camparis
pickle wedge
what kind, kosher dill, not sure
and forgot it at the store
didn't have those
but
that wasn't what i was missing

there is something critical missing

and then
on the last bite
it hit me

celery salt

i woke up with a headache, and i did the unthinkable and went back to bed

i had weird weird dreams

i'm trying to piece them together

tonight's reading [emperor]

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=475150&Date=6%2F11%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=

i want to kiss him:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=760625&Date=6%2F11%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

does he remember meeting me:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=22668&Date=6%2F11%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

what does he wish i knew:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=334932&Date=6%2F11%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

what do i know that he thinks i do not:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=459770&Date=6%2F11%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

not sure what this means

i love you, sweetheart

tonight's reading

have i ever hurt him:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=139400&Date=6%2F10%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

is he ok, or is he having trouble:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=563256&Date=6%2F11%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

i guess you're ok
i worry about you, you know
not that i think you can't deal, or whatever
i mostly worry that something might happen to you
but
i don't get any sense of that
just maybe
busy
or frustrated by people or situations
probably busy
you seem
energetically farther away

will everything work out for him exactly as he wants
in business:
http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=572707&Date=6%2F11%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single
i not say that is a yes
but
not a no either
wild card is specific to the voodoo tarot, it's extra, wild card

in his personal life:
http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=644562&Date=6%2F11%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=64424&Date=6%2F11%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

this is a special card of ours too

i want to say a bunch of stuff

really
i want to write a story
but
i can't right now
so
i'm just gonna ramble


i want to tell you, puppyfish
tell you if it's a boy or a girl
but
i'm not sure
i have feelings about it
and that's interfering

i can talk to you about pancakes

--  i have been on a quest for fluffy
the protein shakes kinda backfired--

i thought that since i had been having cravings
intense cravings
to buy rotisserie chicken
and eat the entire chicken
peeling the flesh off the bones
in an obscenely carnivorous fashion
that maybe
just maybe my body wanted protein

and
it did actually seem happy to get the protein
my aches and pains got better
so i assume protein enhanced tissue repair
but
my body also said:

you expect me to schlep, on, excuse me, no carbs


and
pancakes
are, i guess, a comfort food for me
i never buy them when i go out for breakfast
not even at ihop really
because i don't really like the ones you get out

the batch i made this morning was big enough
i am just now thinking about eating again
and that was like 10 hours ago


these are the most little-popping-air-bubble pancakes
i've ever made
so i thought
i'm almost at the recipe
i'll show the puppyfish

there are several tricks
i used more baking soda
i also use baking powder
i use milk
but i add vinegar to make it "buttermilk"
except that it doesn't actually make it buttermilk
because i use umeboshi vinegar
[don't freak out
and i use a pretty fair amount]
the idea is
it reacts with the baking soda
but the umeboshi makes it a little salty and a little sweet
[because i don't use sugar]

now
when my gran gran made pancakes
she had a couple paper towels soaked in
mazola or something
and she'd wipe the pan with it between every pancake
and
i have always done some sort of modified version of that
until this week


this week i said:
it's a frikkin non-stick pan
you do not need oil
and
they are so much better

but back to the recipe
i also have a tendency to make the batter too thick
because i have historically liked them dense
but now i want them fluffy

the other trick
is beer
the carbonation is probably the thing
that actually does the trick
but
the beer gives it flavor
this time what i had was milk stout
and i am a fan
especially since i used 1/2 whole wheat flour
it is eventually my plan to blend in some mesquite flour, too
but
i haven't gotten that yet

i've been using avocado oil
because that's more buttery
[to blend into the mix, i mean]
and ginger
fresh might be better
but i have a bottle of ginger people ginger, so

the other other trick is eggs
use more
however, i am amending that, from today
more egg whites
because the egg yolks affect the flavor
as mentioned before with my sad chia cakes
but
as it turns out
you can reach critical mass on the egginess

last time i used 3 eggs with 1 cup of flour, fine
today 5 eggs with 2 cups of flour
too eggy
and maybe all egg whites would work
but
i'm thinkin
for 2 cups of flour
probably 2 yolked eggs and 4 egg whites
unless you're using all white flour
[like i did last time]
and going for a challah-esque flavor

-- oh, and i made a topping last time too
because i didn't want thick gooey syrup
[which i don't actually have anyway]
or honey
so i heated light margarine in a pan with some porter
[the beer i used last time]
and some lingonberry jam
which gave the whole thing
a kind of deliciously scandinavian flavor

also
i have an electric stove
which i hate 
i learned on an electric stove
but
once you experience gas
well, then you're cookin with gas
electric oven
different story: better
so now i finally understand
the whole separate cooktop thing
anyway

i have traditionally had issues
the pan is too hot
the pan is not hot enough
the other other other trick
[besides the non-stick pan]
pre-heat the pan properly


just start before you finish mixing
and then
after you finish mixing
walk away for a few minutes
so the batter can do a little volcano science experiment of fluffiness
and voila

as soon as you pour the batter in the pan
it starts sending up air
which is how you know it's time to turn
when it's all covered with holes
so
you have to watch the edges, a little

i may have weird taste
because i like buckwheat pancakes
but these are not like that
they're just closer to that than say a bisquick pancake
what with the whole wheat and the milk stout

i liked em
and
puppyfish
today
i kinda made em for you

i love you

tonight's reading

is he happy:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=380512&Date=6%2F6%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

what is he thinking about:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=515560&Date=6%2F6%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

what does he want from me right now:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=790381&Date=6%2F6%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

what is he feeling about me right now:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=193735&Date=6%2F6%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

what does our future look like:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=908110&Date=6%2F6%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

i love you

religious thoughts

so
it's coming back around to the cycle
that i don't get

this is what i don't get:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVNKdx1Wt7M&feature=related

i don't much care for the god as daddy metaphor
but, whatever, we'll run with it

where does daddy go
for apparently
everyone else

where does this disconnection start


i would never need to get ready for inspection
i assume i am being minutely inspected, constantly
mostly by myself
but
as part of the same sort of thing
more like constant karma
you reap what you sew
but
nobody's perfect
so
just try to fix the screw ups
on the ground
in real time

this is not contrary to my understanding
of jewish ethics
[am i wrong]

so then
what gives


now
where i realize
i'm different
is that little conversation
when i was about eight:

i love you god, and
i'll do whatever you tell me to do
just tell me

and
i didn't mean some sort of vague, general love
i meant love however i understood love at eight
for the one who had been there for me
and hadn't hurt me
from the beginning
it wasn't fatherly love
it was intimate


now
it has occurred to me, since
multiple times, actually
that it might not actually be god
it might be
a spirit, an entity hanging around me
that's possible
they talk about psychics having stuff like that

but
when i've felt entities they have seemed very separate
and maybe that's because they were not nice entities
so they were at a different frequency
so
maybe what is with me isn't GOD
but it vibrates on KGOD
so
i figure good enough
and
i want to vibrate on KGOD frequency too

so
i don't really ever disconnect

i get depressed
and god is there
but god steps back, you know
i get really angry, sometimes stupidly
but god steps back, you know
it's always
me and god
"god-daddy" never leaves
i would have to turn and walk away from "him"

embodied text

today
there was a note
that a girl who works with me wrote
i don't really know her
but
it was a cute little note
and
she had cute little writing
and
being the way i am, i had to read it aloud

then
this guy
the one from the facebook thing before
he says to me:

i will only respond to you for the rest of the day
if you talk like that

my first thought:
shit
how did i just talk
i couldn't have done it cold
i had to go and look at the note
and then i could do it

it was not necessarily how she talks
i wasn't trying to imitate her
it was how her writing looked, embodied

i act things out
i don't mean to
i just do it, semi-unaware

i guess
not everybody does that, huh
but, really
how can you not

i love you

tonight's readings

does he understand what i mean
with the 5 rings:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=510924&Date=6%2F3%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

this clearly means yes
7 of swords has a particular meaning for us

is he unhappy about something:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=395193&Date=6%2F3%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

this doesn't say clearly yes or no
what is says is suddenly
it might be a communication of some sort
but not necessarily
i just asked if you're ok
and
i got the same answer

suddenly good, or suddenly bad:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=955777&Date=6%2F3%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

what would he most like the universe to manifest right now:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=984790&Date=6%2F3%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

does that mean he's trying to plan something:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=672522&Date=6%2F3%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

what does he most need from me right now:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=50300&Date=6%2F3%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

i am assuming

that you know what i'm talking about
of course

if not

oh well
it has been a while

good though
i keep getting cards
that say
you think
maybe i'm sayin somethin bad

when the gypsy told me

about the five rings
i was being coy

i
always knew
what that meant

did you think, i wonder, that i didn't

sorry, but
i've been thinking about that, today

that, and
how long it's been
that, and
how much i love you
that, and
how much synchronicity there is, everywhere

like, seriously

hello tiger

you must have been
thinking about me
just then

today

i went to breakfast with my mom

it kind of depressed me

so then
i had a slightly crazy episode
i
do not want to be depressed
and
i decided
that what i had to do
was find a happy scent
something that smells like the beach

i wanted a diffuser
i would have settled for a candle
but
all the "sea" scents
aren't really
they don't smell salty
or seaweedy
[i'd never say fishy]
they always have this very
artificial "marine" smell
that i've learned from experience
i cannot stand

i came close
with:
http://www.candleluxury.com/aquiesse-santa-barbara-candle.html
and
http://www.candleluxury.com/aquiesse-costa-rica-candle.html
[which though it's not ocean is very wet and green and jungle-y]
and
maybe if they'd had this one:
http://www.candleluxury.com/aquiesse-shoreline-diffuser.html
maybe it would have been perfect


a smell can make me happy
it can
and i was feeling like
like it's never gonna happen
like my life is a trap

but
i failed at the scent mission
so
i made myself feel better
another way

i once lost 30 in 3 weeks
having protein shakes every 3 hours
so, i bought the closest thing i could find
to what i remember of the formula
and
i'm doing that for a few weeks
big salad for dinner

we'll see how it goes

i looked at this website: my body gallery
that shows you real people of whatever size
and for some reason
i like this one:
http://www.mybodygallery.com/photos-20168-body-shape.htm#img
but
she weighs 124 pounds
*sigh*

i love you

things & stuff

i dreamed last night
that i was going somewhere
somewhere where i needed my passport

but
there was a lot more
and i can't remember it


i was thinking that i've gained weight
but i haven't weighed, and people keep telling me
that i look like i've lost weight

i don't know

i wore my tight bra today
and
it wasn't all that tight

but something
is going on with my body
maybe
things are just
unhardening, or whatever

but
my tolerance must be getting lower
must be that giant mirror in the bathroom

i think i should look
different
or better
than i do

tonight's reading

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=412650&Date=5%2F28%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=partner

i had two children

a boy
and
a girl

the girl was older
but i had had them
too close together
and
seemed to favor the boy
heavily

i looked at the girl, and thought
she isn't all that brilliant

but then i thought
she's probably
suffered
regression
and lack of developmental stimulus
because of all the energy and attention
you put into the boy

and
in the dream
it was like i hadn't been there at all
like i was just dropping into a life, in progress
so
i approached the girl
like i had just received her
because i sorta had

she didn't seem that bright
but she worshipped her mother
and
she was working on a project
for work!?
maybe it was school, but even so
she was like four
she was making hundreds of paper flowers
on long stems
for an charity auction

i got her set up
on the living room floor
and she really had skills

so we went to the auction
and it was this "bouquet"
that included her long stems
and at least a dozen floor lamps
it stretched out fifteen feet
along the wall

i didn't get it

i didn't get it




maybe that's a mom thing
but
i didn't like the feeling

her name:

june pearl


it was a strange strange dream

tonight's reading

tonight i asked:
am i going to have a child
and i got this answer
http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=168352&Date=5%2F27%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

so i looked up yemaya
and i found:

http://www.thaliatook.com/AMGG/yemaya.html

tonight's readings

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=484473&Date=5%2F26%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=911164&Date=5%2F26%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=930864&Date=5%2F26%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=

get on the bus

i had this dream
i was in college
only
i'm not sure if it was me
this seemed more like
just
a story, somehow

anyway
there were all these girls
maybe it was a girls college
or maybe we were sorted
for the sake of this activity
don't know

so
there were all these buses
and you got on the one
for the activity
you wanted to engage in

facial bus
game bus

i don't know, a bunch of different stuff

then
there's this other girl
i don't know if this is me either
waiting for the first one
she wants, you see, to be on the same bus
she doesn't really care what she does
she just wants to do it with her friend

first girl comes back

ok, she says
we're all set
for what, asks the second girl
we're in


apparently there was another option
there is the first meeting
of a sort of secret club

in the dream it had a name, but i can't remember it
they meet
they talk, about whatever
everybody has to listen
nobody can reveal anything that's said
unless the speaker wants them to, like if that's the point
or whatever

so it's a blend
of girls
who couldn't be enticed away
with the funnest activities they could dream up
[because you have to be at the first meeting]
who want to talk
who want an audience
who want secrecy, or
who want a street team of promoters

and
they grow to be
a really important and powerful
like, secret society of women

same question, different deck, this morning

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=811372&Date=5%2F24%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=fourfold

tonight's reading

what is he thinking about me/us:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=487133&Date=5%2F23%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=haindl&Reading=

i just thought about it

and decided
you may not understand these
little slightly unhappy vignettes
as the sort of self-meta-blah-blah
that they are

you may think
i'm trying to say something
critical about you

no


i love you

i walked over to the mexican restaurant and had a really strong margarita on an empty stomach and i need to tell you something

god
will not smite you
and
although i have though, at least a little
that you wanted to be able to say
that everything was all in my head
that maybe
it was some sexual kink
that the woman who loves you
not ever really know

i am letting that go, now
you love me, i know

and
you know
even so
there might be things
that are more important
clearly there are things that are more important

and
you know
it's ok

i have loved you more
and better
than i have ever loved anyone in my life
more than my father
more than my grandmother
certainly more than any lover

it is possible
that you are happier
with the one, your one
than you would be with me

or possibly
our lives together would be
heaven on earth
maybe we'll find out
and maybe, not

but
the love i have had for you, already
is more than i ever thought i would have
in my whole life
and
i am grateful for that

you are in no way
any kind of disappointment

even if you are half made up
the half that isn't made up
is good enough
to overcome
a lifetime of ambivalence, at best
to catapult me into certainty that you are the only man
who could ever be the father of my children

and i want all the fantasy that goes along with that to be true
and i am accepting on your behalf
that you want that too
[no matter what you have or have not said to me]

but
even so
it might never happen
and that might be for the greater good

and
i say again:

god will not smite you
and i will still love you
as long as i live

if we are meant to be
we will be

and
it is still possible
that i was only meant
to help you get to this point

do the mission of your soul
do not worry if i am not that mission

checkin in

hey
either you
have been
crazy thinkin about me today
or
i
am having some sort of seizures

i hope
not the seizure thing

hey

people keep mentioning my vocabulary

i don't think
that
my vocabulary is so
out there, or whatever
and
i mentioned it to my mom

she was all like:

don't you remember
when you were in high school
you were reading through college catalogs
and
when you read the bennington catalog
you wanted to go there
because
they used a word you didn't know
and
i knew what it meant
and
i could see myself go up
in your estimation

i could see it


and this
along with some other stuff
it makes me a little sad

i think
i somehow make people feel
like they aren't living up to some
i don't know, standard

maybe
maybe i'm all judge-y and whatnot
maybe i make people feel bad about themselves

but
then
why don't they dislike me
and try to steer clear of me

i'm still trying to figure out
what it is
that is so different about me
that makes me
so scary
or
intimidating
or
stultifying
or whatever

i love you, hope i'm not freaking you out with all the tarot stuff

i hope you don't get bored with the tarot, because i seem to be kinda into it

this is the answer to:

is he happy today

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=862627&Date=5%2F17%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=lovecraft&Reading=single

what do i most need to know right now

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=887770&Date=5%2F17%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=international_icon&Reading=

what is the theme of the next six months

http://www.facade.com/tarot/description/?Deck=haindl&Card=64

what am i going to figure out in my life (just me) now

http://www.facade.com/tarot/description/?Deck=cat_people&Card=3

what is the next big thing for me

http://www.mineralarts.com/cgi/TarotThree.pl

this one doesn't store
i just looked at it
and
i think it's different now

so
maybe
the next big thing for me
is constantly changing
or i can't know
or
whatever

it's a cool deck though

this is the answer to: will we ever have children together

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=52866&Date=5%2F16%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=haindl&Reading=

this is the answer to: what is the current state of our relationship

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=573665&Date=5%2F15%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=haindl&Reading=fourfold

i'm going to bed now

i'm going to sleep six hours

i love you

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=472732&Date=5%2F14%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

my dad

i've thought about this
several times this week

when i was little
my dad did this thing
[mostly when he'd been drinking, i think]
it scared me

he would start
by hugging me to him

are you okay, he'd ask

yeah, i'm ok

he'd start to let go

are you sure you're okay

he'd grab me a little tighter
are you sure you're okay

yes yes, i'm fine
are you sure


until
i wasn't ok
i was actually kind of desperate
to get away from him
he was actually kind of hurting me
and definitely scaring me

i remember this
like it happened all the time
but
i think it may only have happened a few times
or
at least
only until i was about six

i don't know why i'm telling you this

my dreams

i can't remember all of them
and
some pieces of what i can remember
are
missing
or confused
but
one is a nice image
and
the other is more of a story

the image

i am on a boat
like the tour boat in chicago
on a river
and the water
is full
of swimming polar bears

the story
i'll have to work on a little bit
but
it's about clearing out hexes
and
burying the keys
that open the badness
and
some people
having a transaction
in a sacred grove
and me
trying to tell them:
any transaction you make here
will not just be about the money
you shouldn't do this twenty-five dollar thing here
you might be selling your soul as well

that was the part that seemed most pressing

snail mating dance

i'm going to bed now

i'm sleeping seven hours tonight

if you know the place i'm thinking of

think about it

in our dreams tonight

it's

something

something i want to write to you

what would he most like me to know right now:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=718297&Date=5%2F13%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

grit, 4 tru

this is just to see
that is to say
to see
can i say

whatever, poetry ya know
like, the moon, is a curled up fuzzy
watch for claws, but, no, she's a sweet little
pilgrim

and, the wine is pouring, like the welch's
dropped
at the baby giant when i was six years old
sweet and sticky, in all the hidden corners

the ways i don't believe humming in my ears, mosquito jazz

not easy
not hard
immovable object, waiting

to be scaled

seven miles an hour

circle within circle and homeless embrace

when i went to sleep
it was raining
and the frogs were singing

i went on a journey
i arrived
in alaska
it wasn't very cold
and
the building in front of which  i was standing
looked like a one story version of the alley theater

so
i don't know
i think, i'm pretty sure
alaska's cold

i had this vision quest type ritual
all planned

there was a circle
inside a circle
rough terrain

a huge bird
[or maybe dragon]
would carry me from the outer edge
of the outer circle
to the center of the inner circle

i had this homeless woman with me
she was my homeless woman, i guess
she was kinda dirty and her hair was matted
but she started rubbing her head against my side
like a child imitating a dog

not leave me

no no, now, be good
i'm just going for a day or two
we'll get you all set up
you'll be fine

not leave me
i be good

and
i took her into the building
and
i lost time


i woke up on a bus full of women, singing
the way you sing as a child
on a bus
on a field trip

how did i get here

and
i really had to pee
i can't imagine that i got on a bus
for a long car trip
without peeing first

my homeless woman had jacked me

i was on some sort of women's retreat
song writing workshop

and they were all
like morning people or something

but
what about my circle within a circle
my giant bird

ok the coffee is brewing, i have to get in the shower, and it's raining [so i will have to leave early]

but
i had
a very interesting dream
that i really want to tell you about

i have to go to bed

if you can join me
in my dreams

i'd like that

i'll be sleeping about 5 hours

i love you




i decided
i needed a reading


this is the answer to:  what does he want from me in life


http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=316977&Date=5%2F11%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

yes

gold



i've been thinking today
about
several things

my premonition of doom
which i just looked up
november 4
seems
to have been pretty accurate
because of my dad's death
and such
and the months
of depression
which followed

and
i didn't say
but i had been put on final written warning
[no verbal or prior written]
on a really unfair technicality
fairly soon before
and then
the guy who had to write me up
kinda wanted me to talk him down from it
because it was so upsetting to have to write me up

so it might have just been that

and that's all worked out fine now


and
your body language
it tells me stuff
but
maybe
maybe it's my imagination
or maybe it is a bad sign
if i look at the situations where it says: beaten, pwned, subservient

just sayin
worries me


also
i was thinking
i'm pretty sure i've gained some weight
during this time that i haven't been able to
make myself quite believe there was really any point in caring

my clothes still fit
but i feel fatter to me

but even through all that
i never smoked one cigarette, not one

and
today for lunch
rather than getting waffle fries and a side salad
i brought
2 grapefruits
2 mangoes [very small]
a peach [also small]
and an avocado

for breakfast and lunch

and i had a large salad with shrimp
for dinner
[which is what i have at least half the time]


and
some other stuff

off and on all day

i love you

woke up late

big storm coming
pressure headache

can't remember my dreams

but
i didn't want to wake up
so
they must have been
good

hello

today's reading

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=903110&Date=5%2F9%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=curious&Reading=

this evening i went shopping

and i saw myself in a mirror
which was sitting up a little

i was trying to see
if the leave-in conditioner spray
had had any inpact on my frizz

and i realized two things:

1) i have a lot more white hair than i realized

2) i look much better from your perspective

i love you baby

pregnant women

i wanted god to tell me something

but
i got distracted before
i could talk terms

so all day today

i saw pregnant women

there was one in black
first thing in the morning

there was an australian one
seeking vegemite

there was an older one
who looked sort of haggard
bags under her eyes

and there were several
just sort of random ones


i'm not sure
what god was answering

i don't think
i even asked my question

i only got out the part:

god, please
i need a sign
show me a pregnant woman...

but i didn't say what color shirt
or
what i wanted it to mean, exactly

but
i was in a super bad mood
all day
maybe it pms
but
it seems a little early for that, three or four days
so maybe god knew i needed it
but
i really didn't snap until a few hours ago

thanks, god

today's reading

this is a celtic cross spread

it's more general than some
but
it explains what card is whathttp://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=434859&Date=5%2F3%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=celtic_cross

it tastes like chicken

1 Tbsp barley
1 Tbsp yellow split peas

next time more onion
and fresh garlic

but
it's good

i'm working on chicken soup again

this time
i have an inspiration
i'm starting with a bottle of torrontes
1/2 cup chickpeas
1/2 and onion
spices

the check was made to smallville

i think there was more than one perspective

there was an amusement park
and
a family

there was me
at a new job

there was me
on the street
trying to call my aunt in austin
[i have no aunt in austin]

somehow
these were all one big story

the amusement park
is a theme that comes up every once in a while
but, i've never been all that certain what it means
i can't remember details, but
what seemed important was
the family was on opposite sides of the park

then, my new job
it was sort of a desk job
and i was trying to get settled into my office
but there was stuff everywhere
and
they were letting clients in
while i was trying to change clothes

so
i went out, in the field
i did a bunch of consulting or something
brought back a bunch of money
and
suddenly i was a man
and this woman
tall, really beautiful
in an intellectual-type way
was standing in the doorway

how'd you do, she asked
i couldn't tell them i worked here, i answered
i'm not sure what to do about this, i hand her the check

it's made out to smallville

don't tell the company anything
we'll figure something out
and

keep the check


she turns slowly
keeping her eyes on me until the last possible second
and smiles
like i did something really really good
and she is gonna show me just how good, later

then, i'm a girl again
younger than i am now
i was wandering the streets
i don't know what city it was
but, definitely one i've seen in dreams before
there's something tricky about the buses
and i hear something about
einstein
trying to find out something about einstein, during the war
and i'm thinking it might be something bad
but i'm all like i'll call my aunt in austin
the one who works for the underground radio
she worked with einstein

so i try to use a pay phone
talking to the operator:
do you have a listing for edith
i may ma'am
how certain are you
because i won't waste the funds
almost certain ma'am

i insert a bunch of coins

i'm sorry ma'am
my information was fragmentary
i could not complete your call
have a nice evening

and
i'm spit back out on the street