i walked over to the mexican restaurant and had a really strong margarita on an empty stomach and i need to tell you something

god
will not smite you
and
although i have though, at least a little
that you wanted to be able to say
that everything was all in my head
that maybe
it was some sexual kink
that the woman who loves you
not ever really know

i am letting that go, now
you love me, i know

and
you know
even so
there might be things
that are more important
clearly there are things that are more important

and
you know
it's ok

i have loved you more
and better
than i have ever loved anyone in my life
more than my father
more than my grandmother
certainly more than any lover

it is possible
that you are happier
with the one, your one
than you would be with me

or possibly
our lives together would be
heaven on earth
maybe we'll find out
and maybe, not

but
the love i have had for you, already
is more than i ever thought i would have
in my whole life
and
i am grateful for that

you are in no way
any kind of disappointment

even if you are half made up
the half that isn't made up
is good enough
to overcome
a lifetime of ambivalence, at best
to catapult me into certainty that you are the only man
who could ever be the father of my children

and i want all the fantasy that goes along with that to be true
and i am accepting on your behalf
that you want that too
[no matter what you have or have not said to me]

but
even so
it might never happen
and that might be for the greater good

and
i say again:

god will not smite you
and i will still love you
as long as i live

if we are meant to be
we will be

and
it is still possible
that i was only meant
to help you get to this point

do the mission of your soul
do not worry if i am not that mission