Wednesday, July 30, 2025

I need to sleep 
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
goodnight 🫢🫢🫢☄️
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«šπŸ€πŸ”₯
I wanted to tell you
about my introduction to 
THAI food

I can't remember how old I was

the center
that had the RadioShack 
I don't remember 
what had been
in the building where the Thai place went in

BUT 
it was YEARS before the RadioShack even
THOUGHT about having PROBLEMS 
it was a block OVER
from where I 
WAITED
for the
BUS

I was already
FAMILIAR 
with chinese food
BUT 

WHAT
was THAI food

I believe that location is still a Thai restaurant 
NAME has CHANGED 

I loved the food -- I don't remember what I had
BUT, I remember thinking 
THAT SAUCE 
that sour spicy sweet liquid stuff

that's GOTTA be 
ONE of the BEST things 
EVER invented

I really LIKED some kinda
HOT POT 
that I haven't really 
NOTICED
as an adult

I've been going to Thai buffet for years
because it's cheap and easy
BUT 
they closed down

they had a fried tofu
in that sauce
& an spicy eggplant
& they had sushi
that was ok

green curry
spicy fish

they'd have other stuff

BUT 
I MISS that place

what do you call that sauce 

Tuesday, July 29, 2025

SO
on the ROAD 
I was like
I want to get to a specific place
& I expect it will take me
X amount of time

I feel like 
this is not just naturally 
a strength for me 

BUT 
it worked 
really well for me

I broke things down into manageable chunks

which didn't really 
ALLOW things
to become 
TOO 
OVERWHELMING 

I STARTED a little SHAKY 

BUT 
even in dallas I almost got it right 
I just missed the
EXIT 

& I was too TIRED 
& it was TOO dark

BUT 
I'm not sure 
HOW 
to
DEAL
with my mom

we were talking about 
before we ran out of TIME 

there's something 

BETWEEN 
a BOUNDARY 

& what I'm talking about 


I've ALSO 
WATCHED t*ump
SAY
some STRANGE word choices 

I THINK 
there's some 
STUFF COLLIDING in his brain

I have 
THEORIES 

BUT 
I think he came off
CREEPY 


SO
I guess I didn't SAY
NORMALLY 
we spend
TIME 
with him telling me about his stuff 
BUT 
TODAY 
I'm LIKE 
I CARE but I REALLY need to
LAUNCH 
into this

& with the security guard 
I had a headache 
I didn't SIT in
the bathroom, transitioning 
I just SAID 
I have a headache 
I have to GO

& he TOLD me 
it's the 
WEATHER 

which it probably is 

he said he's playing tennis from seven thirty to nine and it's still TOO HOT 

then I was LIKE 
OK
do I want to walk over there and get sushi
NO
the headache is becoming 
LIGHT SENSITIVE 

SO
I came home and sat in the blue light
AND
I got an overwhelming desire for 
SAAG PANEER 

& I remembered this place I ordered it from
some time back in the pandemic 


they made me choose a bread
all of them has a price
that seemed
WRONG 
BUT 
not really that big of a deal
then they didn't SEND it

I didn't NEED bread
I got the
SPECIAL basmati rice 
SMALL*
*because the small is enormous 

AND
BREAD 
with THAT is 
OVERKILL 

although, I kinda LIKE bread


I haven't watched it all yet
BUT 
charlotte and I 
used to hear him
on dr demento
on the regular 
&
I particularly liked 
his summer camp one
PROBABLY 
because I ALWAYS wanted to go to 
SUMMER CAMP 
& it was never
an option 

I wanted to go
FIND my TWIN a la 
PARENT TRAP

boarding school also sounded fun to me
TROUBLE with ANGELS 

OH
MAYBE that wasn't him
I ALWAYS thought it was, hmmmmm
I was trying to explain 
to my therapist 

you KNOW how everybody 
KNOWS what 
THEY want 
all the time
& they DON'T know what everybody else wants 
& if they DID 
they wouldn't be TOO concerned about it 

WELL 
it's like 
INTERFERENCE for me
LIKE 
on the ROAD I had all this clear
PSYCHIC STUFF 
& I'm LIKE 
WHY
is this SO CLEAR

NO interference 

I NEED a WAY
to BLOCK 
ALL the interference 

CONE of SILENCE 
SO
I can FOCUS on my
HIGH FREQUENCY VIBRATION 

therapist 
AGREES
BUT 
couldn't give me any steps
because we were 
OUT of TIME 

BUT 
HE NEVER DOES

BUT 
I'm headed in the
RIGHT direction 
MAYBE 
fitzcaraldo is not the best name for it
BENDING the world to 
MY WILL

ONLY seeing 
my OWN point of view 

I'll explain later 
I DREAMED about 
LIKE 
a fitzcaraldo body

I can't explain right now 
BUT 
I have 
ANOTHER SHADOW 

the one who relentlessly 
PUSHES
for
EVERYTHING 
to BEND
to his WILL 
BUT 

I keep him
LOCKED up 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 🫢🫢🫢
I'm gonna try to sleep 
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
πŸ«ΆπŸ«ΆπŸ«ΆπŸ‘ΎπŸ«šπŸ€πŸ”₯🫢🫢🫢
goodnight ☄️

Monday, July 28, 2025

SO
I'm avoiding my brother 
because I don't want 
to explain my WHOLE LIFE to him

I FEEL like 
he doesn't KNOW me 
& THAT doesn't 
SO much 
HURT

as JUST within the 
CONTEXT of
ALREADY 
BUSY

FIGURING out 
HOW my operating system WORKS 
BUT 

I FEEL like 
my mom is a problem for me
I NEED her
to NOT affect me

I WANT to get AWAY from her
BUT 
there are all these reasons why THAT is problematical
& BESIDES 

I'm trying to FIX myself 

& if she still bothers me 
MAYBE I'm NOT fixed

BUT 

I FEEL like 
MAINTAINING is IMPORTANT 
SO
I'm tempted to say
ROUTINE 

BUT 
that doesn't really work 
what WORKS is
FOCUS on 

SOMETHING 

BUT 
then only that gets done
& THAT doesn't 
WORK

& SO
WHAT do I NEED

to DO

it's a LOT easier to ask the universe for
a place to LUNCH 
than to figure out what to ask 
on any RANDOM day

BUT 
I MIGHT just have to
EXPERIMENT 

SMALLER CHUNKS 
WORKS BETTER 

I FEEL like I have MADE 
SO much progress 
& I want to
MAINTAIN that progress

THAT is 
I THINK 
what I WANT to TRY to EXPLAIN 

I'm sorry this is probably not too interesting 
I just want to make the MOST 
of the therapy 


I wasn't crying 

I don't know 
I FEEL 
brain-foggy and my joints hurt

I'm happy I have therapy tomorrow 
BECAUSE 
I'm 
THINKING 
SO
THEN

HOW 
do I explain that
what's going on with me
SO
I been thinking about that TOO 

BUT 
THAT'S not the right
FREQUENCY 

SO
I've been just been 
SCATTERED 
SO
there's a NEW planet


OOPS 

I don't feel super functional 
& I'm making mistakes 

my stomach hurts 
I DID get the cat to the vet though
I DREAMED 
I MEAN 
SOME
kind of festival 

I was tasting
SAUCES 
I was ordering produce

there was a BIG 
STREET festival type THING 

I don't know what it was about 
TOMATO sauce 

Sunday, July 27, 2025

OK
I'm going to bed now
vet in the morning 
therapy tuesday 
THINGS
a foot

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
πŸ§πŸ§πŸ§πŸ‘ΎπŸ«šπŸ€πŸ”₯🫢🫢🫢 
goodnight ☄️
well
I made food
SO
I have proven that I 
CAN function 
I KINDA wish I hadn't 
EATEN food
&
I'm not sure if that is because 
there's something wrong with my stomach 
or if I JUST 
DON'T want to EAT
&
if the desire to not eat is because I want 
to be a smaller mass
LIGHTER

which
is not a BAD thing
BUT 
I'm not sure whether my natural tendency 
is HEALTHY
SO
I'm trying to decide what to do 
I didn't DRIVE the CAR
TODAY 

SO
coulda prepped better
BUT 
it's FINE 

I thought about you chin a fair amount

I had pancakes
I have this
high protein mix
& I made them with c8 mct
& I made them
RESTAURANT 
SIZE and
SHAPE

& I just realize 
THAT must be BASED on SOMETHING*

*I'm not sure what I m using as criterion 

THEN
I didn't just slap peanut butter on
& I didn't WANT syrup

SO
I melted some GHEE
& MANUKA 

which
was pretty good

I was pretty happy with it 

I HOPE you had FUN 

I've ALSO been 
thinking
about
that
DREAM

I HAVE this
SCULPTURAL ELEMENT
in my mind 
BUT 
I don't remember what part of the party it ties
BACK to

it's this TWIST of LEGS in stripey tights
& I WONDER 
did I JUST 
SEE

stripey tights 
OR
did my subconscious go full festival 
I had planned to get up
at nine
then
nine thirty 
then ten
& then
ACTUALLY 
got up
at
eleven

I'm fine with it 
BUT 
I've been trying to figure out how to describe 
WHAT I dreamed 

I'm not sure what was actually going on 

there was this room
& you filled it
with stuff 
& I sat
IN
the room full of stuff 
& I MEAN 
it was
BEAUTIFUL 

MUSEUM QUALITY stuff 

& THEN
I started MOVING it
AROUND 

& THEN
I left and went to some kind of
PARTY

& THEN
I was checking with 
SOME guy WHO 
was in charge of 

PRODUCING 

SCULPTURAL ELEMENTS I was designing 

to SOMEHOW represent the PARTY 
in the ROOM full of STUFF 

I'm not sure IF
or HOW 

the two things related to each other
BUT 
in the DREAM 
I UNDERSTOOD the assignment 

I HOPE you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 🫢 🫢 🫢 

I was gonna
"without fail"
go back to bed by one
because I have to take the cat to the vet
MONDAY 
BUT 
I couldn't miss any of that
& I couldn't 
WAIT 

I wouldn't have been able to sleep anyway 

such beautiful emotion 
& I MEAN 
I CANNOT believe 
I'm gonna SAY this, but

that hat is really a SATISFYING fit 

I'm not EQUATING the two


I do need to go to sleep though 
gotta cycle back
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart πŸ’‹
πŸ«ΆπŸ«ΆπŸ«ΆπŸ‘ΎπŸ«šπŸ€πŸ”₯🫢🫢🫢
goodnight ☄️
I'm smiling SO hard


Saturday, July 26, 2025

TODAY 
has been 
WEIRD 

I texted my mom yesterday 
& I was LIKE 
are you ok on food
I might be able to go to the grocery 
if you're out of food 

she's like no I'm FINE 

I wake up at eight-ish pm
& there's a text from eight hours ago
OK are we going to
LUNCH 

I'm LIKE 
HEY 
I just woke up
OH you must be very well rested, how do you feel 
NOT good

OH MAYBE you're not well yet

I NEVER said I was well
I said if you were out of food
I MIGHT have the energy to drag myself 
through the grocery store 
& YOU said you were FINE 
SO I had 
NO PLANS to DO anything today 

I DREAMED 
I had been waiting for 
SOMEONE who would GRADE my WORK PROPERLY 
& I'd FINALLY 
gotten someone 
SO
EVERYONE was freaking out 
because I turned in a three inch stack of blueprints 

DEVELOPMENT of a PARK
with different options 
BASED on
DIFFERENT ways the
COMMUNITY 
might want to develop the land, based on priorities 

the old instructor 
would ONLY 
ALLOW 
ONE
OPTION 

THEN
I ALSO dreamed 
this VERY elaborate WORK model
that I have a hard time explaining 

THEN
I WORKED in 
a SMALL 
garage studio all day

without realizing 
there wasn't any lighting

BUT 
PRODUCED
SOME
BODY of WORK 
I was PROUD of 

THEN
I explained to 
SOME co-worker (?) guy 

SOME psycho-philosophical issue I had
in my interactions with others
in the workplace 

SO
I DID 
MONTHS worth of WORK 
while I was sleeping 

WHAT does THAT
MEAN 
well
I need to go to sleep 
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart πŸ’‹
πŸ«ΆπŸ«ΆπŸ«ΆπŸ‘ΎπŸ«šπŸ€πŸ”₯❤️🫢🫢🫢
goodnight ☄️

Friday, July 25, 2025

SILOS at the
STORYTELLER festival 

I'm SEEING it
there's a 
SPACE
in the middle 

& curving benches
NOT long ones
STAGGERED 
SO
it's easy to move around 

I'm not saying 
I'm PSYCHIC SEEing it
I can JUST 
SEE it



I don't think STORM CHASER is a thing 

BUT 
I HAVE to DO
SOMETHING with that SKY
& SILO

& there was this
STRAWBERRY dress

& at the TIME 
I was LIKE 
HEY 
I WANTED but didn't BUY that DRESS

& I'm HAPPY to 
SEE it
in the WILD

BUT 
THEN
subsequently I remembered 
I have a whole strawberry 
DRESS coded into me
that I'm GLAD 
I didn't remember at the TIME because 

it's 
CODED daddy
& I'm not 
trying 
to
ADD, ya KNOW 

BUT 

I guess what I mean
is the
BACKGROUND 
has TEXTURE it's 

BEAUTIFUL 
I ALSO 
watched
WAKANDA

& I had a surprising number of feels
about what wasn't that 
GREAT of a 
MOVIE 

the kulkulkan

the princess
was LESS the little girl I remember 
MORE androgynous 

I have FEELS about the
FALLEN warrior 
I keep thinking about how
he was doing that
SICK

I guess I wanted to 
PUSH my
EMOTIONS around
in a more controlled environment 
& I MEAN 
to bask in the DIGNITY of 
ANGELA BASSETT 

THAT

is WORTH
the price of admission 

BUT 
they KINDA lost me
with
KU kul Aquaman 

BUT 
COLONIALISM 
but

ANYWAY 
I had all THAT before 
SNARKY 

SO
that probably 
HIT
different 



NOPE 
GOSSIP 

ANN LANDERS
& Miss Manners
& whoever else

I've forgotten whatever I KNEW about GOSSIP 

which I feel like wasn't nothing
because I haven't 
ACCESSED it
in SO LONG 
LOUELLA parsons 
made me think
I MIGHT be 
GOOD 
at
ADVICE 

I thought she was an advice collumnist 
although I didn't look it up to
VERIFY 

I guess 
now that I'm thinking about it 
MAYBE 
it's about trying to 
MAKE it HAPPEN 
or NOT 

MAYBE 
it's about her trying to force her sons into 
UNTENABLE  position 

BUT 
JUST 

ICK
all round




I just saw this thing in my insta feed
I told it to never show it to me again 
BUT 
I still am a little upset by it

there's some family
the sister is getting married 
& the mother is not inviting her sons' girlfriends

NO RING
NO invite 

these women have been dating the sons
for two and three years respectively 

NOW
granted
I don't have a lot of experience with 
WEDDINGS

BUT 
what the fuck

this is like an advice column

SNARKY in the suburbs
BUT 
she was like
TAKE the GIFT
she thinks you're wasting your time with him

BUT 
these women are on friendly terms with the family 
they aren't saying 
they don't like them
they are saying 
IF
you aren't marriage material 
AND
WHAT OTHER CRITERIA is there
WE don't want you in the 
PICTURES

& THAT 
WHOLE ATTITUDE 
EVERY ANGLE of it
OFFENDED ME 
SO MUCH 

I commented
I don't know WHY this is in my feed
BUT 
I hope I never see you again 
& then TOLD it
NEVER show me this AGAIN 

I WISH
I could have thought of something 
REALLY hurtful to SAY 

it just felt
SO
DE-HUMANIZING

I was actually thinking about 
ADVICE 
as something I might be good at
BUT 
MAYBE I'm TOO 
OUT of TOUCH 
with the
f*CKed UP world
ALRIGHT 
SO
subsequently he texted me
& he's cleared to move about the cabin
SO
we'll see 
BUT 
I am hopefully getting therapized tuesday 

it rained pretty much all day

I still feel KINDA unwell 
I'm gonna take some NyQuil soon 
& try to sleep 
WELL 
my therapist didn't text me
SO
I texted HIM 
asked how his doctor went, if he was free to move about yet
NO response 
it's been about two hours

I'm guessing 
NOT free

BUT 
I'm a little worried 
about the 
NOT replying 
in THIS context 


it is REALLY RAINING now

I want cheeseburgers
it's all rainy today 
& winter-like
87/77

I'm exaggerating 
it still feels 
HOT

I can 
ALMOST BREATHE 
through my 
NOSE

my chest hurts a little 
BUT 
I'm not 
COUGHING 
MUCH
MAYBE 
plan
SOMETHING 
FUN

every day
that 
SOUNDS SILLY 
BUT 

WHAT could it HURT 

MAYBE 
FOCUSING on FUN
is a step in the right direction 

just spit balling 
SO
I've been trying to 
THINK 

WHAT
was my methodology 
on the ROAD 

& ASKING for THINGS
& thanking the universe in advance 
for the awesome experience 
it was GOING to 
DELIVER

SEEMS 
BOTH 
CORE & reproducable 

AND
I got overwhelmed PLENTY 
I'm JUST not
REMEMBERING that NOW

because I TEND to remember 
the SKY
not the freak out part
NOW I'm LIKE 

STORM CHASER
hmmmmm
VIBRATION 
I'm FINDING the 
RIGHT vibration 

FREQUENCY 

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP 

goodnight sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
I LOVE you VERY much 🫢🫢🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«šπŸ€πŸ”₯❤️

Thursday, July 24, 2025

I have had
MORE
political content 
TODAY 
than I probably should 
I'm feeling a little 
ANXIOUS 

I ALSO 
am STILL feeling 
WEAK

I am also in this thing
WHERE 
I want to
CHANGE everything 

BUT 
you can't change everything at ONCE 
& what I'm trying to do 
is not FIX myself 
in THAT 
WAY
BUT 

WHAT I WANT is that
in FLOW with 
the UNIVERSE 
action 
I LOVE that

I was so happy with the 
WAY I SEEMED 
to FIND 

I need to get out of the house
BUT 
my mom just sucks it out of me
& my STUFF is 
REALLY 
bothering me 

I'm a little 
OVERWHELMED 
& I'm a little 
OVER
being overwhelmed 

does any of that
make SENSE 

BUT 
I'm trying to HOLD on
to the ROAD ME

& I'm KINDA 
looping
a little 
watch the new South Park

it doesn't disappoint 
I'm gonna sleep again 
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
πŸ«ΆπŸ«ΆπŸ«ΆπŸ‘ΎπŸ«šπŸ€πŸ”₯❤️🫢🫢🫢

Wednesday, July 23, 2025

HEY 
I KNOW 
this probably seems 
WEIRD 

I JUST WANT to make 
ABSOLUTELY 
CLEAR

I'm 
HAPPY 
with
YOU 

COMPLETELY 
and
I'm a little WORRIED 
that this might be all shaking out
in a WAY 
that is distressing

I don't want to 
cause you
STRESS


I guess the importance of the 
FLEET of CARS 
was
it was SOME kind of
OFFICIAL 
MOTORCADE 

which
was it
MINE 

I'm not sure 
SOMETHING is HAPPENING 
inside me

DUNNO 



WELL 
I JUST got out of BED 
I had a bottle of water 
with me
SO
I'm sure I drank 
SOME water 
BUT 
I didn't get up
except to pee
& I didn't even scroll through my phone 
MUCH 

I didn't DREAM much

& I didn't NEED NyQuil 

the congestion in my HEAD has thickened
SO it isn't uncomfortably dripping 
& I can intermittently 
BREATHE 
through 
ONE
NOSTRIL 
or the other 

it's MOVED to my
CHEST
SO
moving around much encourages 
MORE COUGHING 

I'm not sure what I said yesterday 
BUT 
I was interested in 
FOOD 
SO
I ordered lo mein & won ton soup

which seems to have held me
MORE than twenty four hours


TRADITIONALLY 
I would be 
PUSHING 
BUT 
I don't SEE any advantage 
to not giving myself 
the permission to 
JUST get BETTER 

at my own rate
BUT 
MAYBE 
it's 
BAD
I don't know 


I'm SORRY 
IF
I'm being freaky 

I LOVE you VERY much πŸ’‹ 

I'm NOT 
DEPRESSED 
I don't think 
BUT 
I am thinking about 
my mom
& HOW to make her
LESS TOXIC 
to me

SO
HONESTLY 
I'm not in a hurry to get back to her


I DID have a DREAM 
BUT 
it SEEMS 
SILLY

there was a whole 
FLEET of CARS
for some official something 
& I had them
ALL
fitted out with some kind of
LIKE 
plastic cutlery or something 
where is had this
COOL effect

it didn't SEEM important 
BUT 
it was COOL 

I'm NOT sure 
if I should be WORRIED about 
my LOST day
I can't believe I'm still awake 
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
goodnight 🫢🫢🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«šπŸ€πŸ”₯❤️

Tuesday, July 22, 2025

I read that again 
it made me
SO
HAPPY 

PROPS

YOU ARE
MAGIC 
BUT 
I'm NOT 
CONFUSING you
AM I

I am prepared to believe 
I might be being 
CONFUSING 

BUT 


I blame
CASEY'S 
for the chocolate chip situation 

I don't KNOW 
HOW 
their cookies are so good 


I MEAN 
I don't know how to describe 
the DREAMS 
LAST NIGHT 

there was STUFF about 
HOW to tell if you're 
being tracked

there was STUFF about 
HOW to make 
your invisible 
ENTRY 
NOT visible 

I KEPT trying to get in line
for CHOCOLATE CHIP cookies 
& I couldn't 
SEEM
to EVER GET them

my TAKE AWAY is
I MUST 
FEEL better 
because I REALLY want 

chocolate chip cookies 
BUT 
THAT 
doesn't FEEL like 
an
IMPORTANT 
take away

BUT 
I DO
have LIKE a rebuttal for the
PAIN BODY 

NOBODY 

MADE ME

PROVE

 I WAS MAGIC 

& it is NOT a HARDSHIP to 
PROVE I'm MAGIC 

in FACT
NONE of the 
"FACTS"
are the 
PROBLEM 

it's the
VIBRATION 
& THAT 

is just NOT 
HOW I FEEL 

BUT 
the IDEA that
I have to continue to 
DEAL with my mom until she KICKS OFF 
COMBINED with my
BROTHER just
JUMPING 
on some
TRIGGER adjacent property 

I FELL into
an unaliving myself adjacent mood
& THAT 
I THINK 
let me SEE the pain body 

I tried explaining 
I've been working twenty years 
for the opportunity 
& HOW 
can I EXPLAIN it to him

BUT 
it's to do with trauma
I can't JUST chuck him out
I have to dissolve him


Monday, July 21, 2025

SEE
DREAMS are BETTER 
MORE
PROCESS 
BUT 
it's WEIRD 
it's LIKE 
SIMULTANEOUSLY 

SO
PROUD 
of that breakthrough 

AND
DEAR GOD woman

BUT 
I feel LIKE 
THAT'S 
WHAT
I'm WORKING on 

I feel weird 
about
BOTH 


truthfully 
I feel like I made
SO MUCH 
PROGRESS 
BUT 
I'm having TROUBLE integrating
I THINK my body
has to SHUT down 
to run like
DEEP 
SCANS

I WISH I could SAY 
I've got it
UNDER 
CONTROL 

BUT 
DOESN'T 
SEEM like it 
OK
I JUST
CAUGHT up to SOMETHING 

YEAH 
OK
WELL

I HOPE we were
NOT pretending to be 
SANE at all

AND
SUPER VULNERABLE, yet still somehow a b*tch
I'm 
SORRY 
I SCARED you, didn't I

I didn't 
MEAN to be 

I MEAN 
I SCARED me TOO 
OH
I almost forgot 
I texted my
therapist 

he's getting his neck brace off
THURSDAY 
which he
will confirm Friday*

*but not unless he's actually performing better than baseline, but the mouth noises are encouraging -- I'll take it

he should be back next week 
which I don't think is
LIKELY 
more often than not broken bones run longer 
when you're older
& it's his neck

THIS is wearing me out 
I FORGOT I was
THIS conscious 

THAT and the SHOWER 
we're the MUST DOs

I FEEL like 
I KINDA 
NEED
the therapy 

BUT 
I guess I'm doing it 
old school 

my mom thought
and my brother 
BUT 

I think 
identifying this
pain body

I MEAN 
shaman-y
I'm not sure how to do it 

there were two more
RANDOM things 

TUMBLER 
& I forget 

I ate a little 
two small chicken thighs 
in some broth
with some 
GARLIC 

we'll 
SEE how that goes 
I took a shower 
which was
EXHAUSTING 
BUT 
CLEAN 
FEELS 
good 

I'm 
going back to sleep 

goodnight sweetheart πŸ’‹
I LOVE you VERY much 🫢🫢🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«šπŸ€πŸ”₯❤️
🀧
I WORE 
different glasses 
I UNPACKED bags 
ARRANGED things in different ways 
I repacked the bags
DIFFERENTLY

I went to meetings 
HOLD your bag
THIS WAY
stand on one foot 
in the lake

I took off my 
PAIN BODY'S clothes
tried WRAPPING it 
tighter
looser
BINDINGS 

I walked through a myriad of
PRACTITIONERS with
SYSTEMS 

I had to use the bathroom 
& I FOUND one
at the SAME time as
another woman
who gestured me to go FIRST 
BUT 
I wanted HER to go first

because I had to sh*t
BUT 
she insisted
& she was talking to me through the door 
& I wasn't sure 
HOW 
I was even gonna be able to 
UNDER THOSE 
circumstances 
BUT 
there was NO TOILET PAPER 
SO
it wasn't happening anyway 

& when I told her there was none
she was GONE before I could 
get back out of there

I was getting 
TIRED 
& KINDA 
hopeless

WHAT
was I SUPPOSED to do 
with this
VERY ROBUST

PAIN BODY


AND THEN
I CAME to a PLACE
& I'm NOT SURE 
HOW 
to DESCRIBE the place 

it was a property with buildings and fences 
the predominant color was
LIKE 
a light straw color

it was FLOODED
to my chest height
& I THOUGHT 
it was going to be
VERY COLD

WALKING into high water
isn't generally a good idea 
& I wasn't TOO SURE 
I wanted to
BUT 
it was totally 
CLEAR

PURE

SO
I WALKED in 

it FELT good 
& ESPECIALLY 
the way I could

FEEL
the RESISTANCE 
of my OWN
WEIGHT 

there was
SOMETHING 

GOOD 
RIGHT 
about THAT

THAT was the RIGHT 
DIRECTION 

BUT 
THEN
I woke up

& I'm not sure what it 
MEANS

BUT 
it's IMPORTANT 

Sunday, July 20, 2025

I'm all fluided up
SO
I'm going back to sleep 

goodnight sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
I LOVE you VERY much 🫢🫢🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«šπŸ€πŸ”₯❤️
🀧
have I upset you
with something I 
SAID 
or didn't 
SAY

I'm getting this
VIBE

MAYBE 
something about the 
little red-headed girl stuff

I can't READ you as easily 
as regular people 

SO
I don't stumble upon

ya KNOW 
that's not intended to be
a CRITICISM 

I'm still really sick
BUT 
I'm sorry if I suck
HONESTLY 
I think I ALWAYS 
read it that way 
LIKE 
if my reaction to you
CAUSES
all this

CLEARLY 
THIS is not
WHERE I should be

I WISH "I was special"
because it must be nice to feel 
"so fucking special"

instead of the
incomprehensible 
SPECIAL 
that has sh*t ATTACHED to it

I just woke up

SORRY 
this is MAYBE 
a little intense 
this dream
was preceded by
a longish stretch of awakeness 
I which I had
CREEP by radiohead 

STUCK in my HEAD

I don't know if that's important 

because I don't THINK 
& I was thinking THIS before the dream

I don't THINK you have to 
TAKE it as
he's saying he IS a CREEP 
I THINK 
he's READING 
the
VIBE
(or could be)

THIS is what
YOU think
ABOUT me
I GET it

I don't belong
HERE

OK
NOW THAT was a DREAM

ALL the 
SUPER HEROES 
RE-whatevered
NOT 
LIKE 
superman and batman 

they all acknowledged 
the ways they
DIDN'T 
WORK together 
BEFORE 
& checked in
with each other

elefant chanson guy
was hooked up
with some
FIGHTER guy
& a spooky girl

who all had abysmal living situations
& they're getting a
"HEADQUARTERS"

I'm not sure WHO orchestrated 
all of this

BUT 
it was a
GOOD DREAM 

I'm still sick
& I THINK 
I took a little 
EXTRA
NYQUIL in the night

probably contributed

good morning sweetheart 🫢 🫢 🫢 
I hope you are having a beautiful day 

Saturday, July 19, 2025

I read back through 
HEALER'S DMs 
all the elements I noted
WERE there 
BUT 
the TONE
is LIKE 

YOU have 
LOW self esteem 
& I'mma 
FIX you
by TELLING you 

HOW 
HYPED up
you were in my household

AFTER 
YOU 
LEFT


WHY
does everyone 
ASSUME 
LOW SELF ESTEEM is my issue 

is that just default 
it's THEIR issue 
SO 
they assume 
it's EVERYONE'S 

I don't really 
KNOW 
what that
DREAM was ABOUT 

BUT 
I FEEL 
less WEEPY 

I'm going back to sleep 
πŸ’‹πŸ«ΆπŸ«ΆπŸ«ΆπŸ‘ΎπŸ«šπŸ€πŸ”₯❤️
I dreamed 
there was this boy
& he had to climb this very
STEEP incline
to GET to
the place he was living 

it was a house
with a bunch of girls living there 
& at first I thought they were
his sisters
BUT 
I don't think that they were
I THINK it was 
JUST
a bunch of young people 
in almost a flop house
SITUATION 

SO
he climbs past the car of girls
CAR parked on the side of
a STEEP hill
who are
LOOKING to cause him
TROUBLE 
& as he goes by them
he pulls himself 
UP
using the car

& then
PERHAPS it
FALLS
or perhaps he IMAGINED it
he's NOT SURE 

he sneaks in his house
the other girls have all gone to sleep
& he goes in his room
there are two mattresses on the floor
& he has trouble 
getting by
BUT 
his mattress is the FAR one

he has something that he constructs
from PIECES that form
a FIGURE that is
a small nite lite
& he looks out the window 
which is REALLY 
a sliding glass door

& FIRST he SEES
a beautiful courtyard 
BUT THEN 
it is an alley
& CARS
are driving by
SPLASHING muddy water
on the sliding glass door 
which oozes in
& SOAKS
into his mattress 

he has this bit of something in his mind

elefant chanson
which he loves
& cherishes
& protects

it comes from a SIGN he saw somewhere 
& at SOME point 
he started paying 
MOST of his
MONEY
to KEEP the SIGN from being 
TORN DOWN

BUT 
THEN
people decided it had some
MAGIC 

I'm payed 
EVERY month
NOT to REMOVE it 

& people started trying to 
FIGURE out what 
the MAGIC was

& FINALLY 
SOMEONE came
with a BUNCH of MONEY 

BOUGHT the SIGN

& WHEN they couldn't FIGURE out 
the MAGIC 

CAME LOOKING for HIM

& the SIGN
DIDN'T 
HAVE
ANY
intrinsic magic

it ONLY had
MAGIC 
to HIM

& NOW the SIGN was GONE
& THEY were hunting him
to MAKE him
TELL them
HOW 
to use the magic

when it was ONLY keeping him
from DESPAIR 
that was the ONLY magic

& NOW
things were
WORSE than EVER

& REALITY was SHIFTING around him
HE wasn't SURE what was REAL

HAD he caused those girls to FALL 

WAS the SIGN
MAGIC 

he lay on his gritty mattress 
looked at the little nite lite
listened to the sound
of the girl breathing 
in the bed next to him

& WONDERED
WELL 
the way sickness 
SEEMS to 
work for me these days
is I get sick
when I need to
PROCESS 

I ordered a 
SMOOTHIE king 
because I thought I wanted
JUICE 

BUT 
I'm gonna have to MAKE myself 
DRINK it

I got a COUNTER offer
5.1% with a message about
HOW he WISHED 
I could 
UNDERSTAND 
the situation in bolivia 
&
I don't FEEL good about it

LIKE 
I can't explain 

it's a LOT of money to ME 
& the situation 
MIGHT 
be FINE, but it SEEMS a little 
POSSIBLY SKETCH

SO
I'm NOT doing it 

BUT 
I'm all WEEPY
& I don't know what that is about 

I KEEP getting 
the TOWER card
followed by
SO
MANY 
GOOD CARDS 

BUT 
WHAT does THAT
MEAN

PLUS 
I've seen all these new interpretations
of the marilyn thing

I'm JUST 
UNSETTLED 


I didn't tell you 
the strange 
PART
about the goldfish dream

YOU 
we're in a structure 
and the tanks
we're
IN
the structure of the walls

LIKE 
WALL studs -- or whatever you actually call that
& then TANK in where the dry wall would be 

LIKE 
you were in a house
of living
moving
GOLD
I'm dehydrated 

I SHOULD be hungry 
BUT 
SUPER MEGA ick
on food

SO
I'm having some 
LAIRD maca latte
& I'll have some tea
& some water

IF
THAT 
makes food seem less icky
I'll have some 
BUT 
at least I'll get some calories and MCTs
I DREAMED 
I talked to and hugged 
MARILYN MONROE 

she was older
than she was when she died
& I was younger than I am

I told her
I had grown up
watching her
in my grandparents theater

I meant STAGE theater
NOT FILM
& that her
DIGNITY and GRACE
& the kindness
she had always 
addressed to the kids
had been a huge
INSPIRATION 
to me

she was holding her face
in a weird way
to keep
from having visible expressions 
while still seeming
to HAVE 
an enigmatic inscrutable expression 

& she pulled me in
for a slightly stiff side hug
ALMOST as if
EVERYTHING HURT

& she gave me a little smile

thanks honey


it was
ALTERNATE universe 
SOMEHOW 

BUT 
POWERFUL 

Friday, July 18, 2025

I felt like I was getting 
SICK
SO
I took NyQuil and went back to sleep 

I DREAMED 
you had all these
TANKS

GOLDFISH 
EVERYWHERE 
& I have 
REMEMBERED 
the whole rest of the sleeping day

when I saw it
I thought 

he's gonna get 
SO MUCH 
money
& LUCK

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart πŸ’‹
I'm going back to sleep 🫢🫢🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«šπŸ€πŸ”₯❤️
SO
THIS is what I DID 
I WANT 
that quasar 
I don't speak Spanish 
& the subtitles 
we're ALSO in Spanish 
BUT 

I'm pretty sure 
WHAT they said WAS 
THIS is a 
charango 
designed for extra emotive playing

it's a concert charango 
& I don't really NEED that, probably 
it is ALSO black 
SO
it might be just
ego/individual/want

HARD to KNOW 
SO
what I did

I made an offer
seventeen percent off
if they
ACCEPT 
I'm taking it as a SIGN 

although seventeen percent is 
my STANDARD haggle 
I figure 
if ya got a store
& ya do sales
at all
that's probably not going to 
OFFEND

I don't MEAN I go into stores and haggle 
I'm talking about 
within the 
MAKE
AN
OFFER 
framework 

if they COUNTER with
THREE percent 
I'm ALSO 
taking
it as
a SIGN

any other outcome 
CASE by CASE


I need to sleep 
goodnight sweetheart πŸ’‹
I LOVE you VERY much 🫢 🫢 🫢 
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«šπŸ€πŸ”₯❤️


Thursday, July 17, 2025

I THINK the
VIBE 
I'm going for with those
PAINTINGS

is
VAGUELY alien
pictogram
LIKE 
rock painting 

my mom
is
exhausting
to ME

she LIKES to 
tell me "helpful things"

POSSIBLY 
because she has no conversational skills
POSSIBLY 
because she KNOWS it irritates me
POSSIBLY 
because she THINKS I'm mentally challenged 
POSSIBLY 
because it lets her IMAGINE 

that she is
WISE
& a CONSTANT 
SOURCE

of SUCCOUR 

THEN
when she GETS me irritated 
she turns it around 
STARTS a FIGHT 

WHEN 
did I GO from
KNOWING EVERYTHING 
to knowing NOTHING 

I don't know...
I don't THINK you EVER
KNEW everything 
& I GUESS 
YOU 
are the one saying you know nothing NOW 

BECAUSE 
I didn't say it
BUT 
I guess I said I had a headache 
SO
WHAT BETTER TIME 
to START a 
FIGHT, huh

she f*CKing
SMILED
at me
WELL 
there IS a trick 
to the DIDGERIDOO 

it's not JUST 
do a raspberry 
you need a certain amount of air FLOW 
& a certain amount of NOISE
& to be SOME
SPECIFIC 
distance from the 
HOLE

SO
PLENTY to 
FIGURE out 

BUT 
it's HERE 
& it's 
a VERY manageable 
SIZE
I worked on this at the open studio, but NOW I was LIKE 
TOO much 
gotta COOL it 
DOWN 
these I'm just starting 
BUT 
I'm going for
TEXTURE 



I should sleep 
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
🫢🫢🫢 goodnight 🫢🫢🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«šπŸ€πŸ”₯❤️

Wednesday, July 16, 2025

I don't need to
EXPLAIN 
little red-headed girl 
DO I

she works there
because 
she
LOVES
all the stuff 

I was LOOKING at the stuff

BUT 
PLAYING 
we're BOTH playing with the cool toys
& we both JUST 

it SOUNDS dumb
NOW

a little red-headed girl 
is kinda off in her
own world
&
it's just
FUN
to catch the VIBE 
with somebody else 

it's 
OK
here's a bit that MIGHT make SENSE 
I was paying with a 
CREDIT 
CARD
&
it wasn't going through 
she was pretty
SURE 
she was doing it right 

when I came in
the owner 
went ACROSS the WAY for lunch
& was LIKE 
if you have a problem 
CALL me 

SO
she called her
& she WAS doing it
RIGHT 

it JUST NEEDED for
me to humble myself and ASK
NOW it's WORKING 
FINE 

not like oh wow as me
LIKE 
oh, of course 
when I was in that
SIMPLY NOURISHED 
I was in there
for a while 

& the person working 
was pleased forgive the apparent incorrectness 

a cute little red-headed girl

she's ACTUALLY 
a grown woman who's married 
with three children who teaches school 
& works in a shop in the SUMMER 

BUT 
game recognize game
OR
SOMETHING 

we had FUN and she KEPT saying 

you're LETTING me get SO MUCH practice 

SO 
I signed up for the newsletter 
and it's FUN too

I joined their
store card thingy

I heard an old guy in the bookstore 
he GOES THERE every week 
to GET his FERMENTS

they're getting 
a store where you can get stuff
RE-FILLED 
I JUST 
WATCHED 
a video 

it's got FIVE chairs
&it says 
PICK your 
CHAIR

AND
I'm LIKE 
I actually like 
ALL those CHAIRS 

AM I picking a CHAIR to LOOK at 
OR 
a CHAIR to SIT on

AM I PICKING 
WHICH one 
I ENJOY 

RIGHT NOW 
or
the ONE chair
FOR
OPTIMAL minimalism

I DECIDED 
I was
PICKING

if you could
HAVE
ANY
of
these chairs, here take it

I DECIDED 
I would 
TAKE the chair

that would be the most satisfying to me

AS a CHAIR 

NOT 
the aesthetic experience 

I picked chair FIVE
because I 
LIKE 
to SIT forward
& that's 
the ONLY chair that lets you do that 

it's 
ERGONOMIC 

& it the WARRIOR chair
& I was BOTH surprised & not at all surprised 
I DREAMED about
I'm not sure 
HOW to
EXPLAIN 

there was
a MUSICAL instrument 
BUT 
it wasn't exactly 

it was ALIVE and 
it didn't LOOK 
LIKE an
INSTRUMENT 

it was
NESTLING 
into my
CREVICES 

it was trying to 
CALIBRATE 
to ME

SYMBIOTIC 
SOMEHOW 

& MAYBE 
it's because I've been trying to 
FIND a charango 

that I think is
INSTRUMENT grade
& in good condition 
& NOT TOO 
EXPENSIVE 

& I THOUGHT 
I had found one
BUT 
then I realized that the back was 
FLAT*

*it was made by a luthier whose guitars sound great on YouTube, but can't find any examples of charango sound, so really it is probably a hybrid thing which might be fine, but I'd like to hear an example 

AND
THAT 
made me realize that the one I WANT 
FEELS right
I can't see the BACK of it
in the ONE picture 
which
it's probably 
NOT really TOO expensive 
BUT 
it's A LOT 

to
it's three TIMES as much

SO
INSTRUMENT 
in HEAD
before 
BED

BUT 
it felt like
MORE 
than THAT 

it felt 
IMPORTANT 


Tuesday, July 15, 2025

I had a headache 
& I lay down 
& fell
ASLEEP 

I'm exhausted 
MAYBE 
I really wanted to 
TALK about 
my brother 

AND
the PART 
that HITS 

DAD
TALKED about me
apparently 
LIKE 
I was GREAT 
BUT 

TREATED me 
NOT so MUCH 


I will NEVER understand 
THAT
although I've 
SEEN it other TIMES 

& the fact that jason
RESENTS me
makes some kinda sense now

BUT 
I MEAN 
F*CK


I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart πŸ’‹
I hope you are having a beautiful day 🫢🫢🫢 
I think I'm going back to 
SLEEP 
I don't WANT to 
PUZZLE this OUT 

F*CK

I WISH that
I am having psychological and emotional problems and I'm not doing 
very well
& I'm not responding to you 
because you are 
TRIGGERING ME 

I WISH 
THAT MEANT 
SOMETHING 

I THINK I'm doing 
SO MUCH 
BETTER 

BUT 

I just wish


I LOVE you 
I HOPE 
GOOD stuff 
for YOU today 
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«šπŸ€πŸ”₯❤️
I KEEP getting 
the MAGICIAN 
WHICH 
is one of your cards
BUT 
I'm getting it
REPEATEDLY
 
SO

I KINDA assume you are

WORKING 
MAGIC 

then just NOW I got the MAGICIAN 
& a BUNCH of
FIVES

& I'm not sure what THAT means 
I associate FIVE as
YOUR number
& I usually 
SEE it
PAIRED with SEVEN 

BUT 
this was just
five, five, five, five, five, five, five

are you writing something 
SUPER personal

I'm just
CURIOUS 

WELL 
no therapy today 

I texted him yesterday 
slightly before 
SIX pm

to ASK if we were
STILL on for
TODAY 

BUT 
he doesn't 
REMEMBER that 

OR
it SEEMS like he doesn't 
I'm a little worried about him
& so is the security guard 

I personally 
WONDER 
he MIGHT be on
PAIN meds

BUT 
he was taking 
STUFF 
that was making him
MUCH less SHARP 
BEFORE 
&
I WONDER if he's 
JUST still TAKING 
THAT
&
MAYBE 
it's 
interacting

my aunt joan ended up with
DRUG induced 
LUPUS 
that way

NOT 
TELLING 
all the doctors 
WHAT ELSE she was TAKING 

BUT 
it's not really appropriate for me to 
ASK
I shoulda
BEEN sleep
goodnight sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
I LOVE you VERY much 🫢🫢🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«šπŸ€πŸ”₯❤️
I haven't talked to 
HEALER 
BUT 
I read his DMs

it's MORE disturbed 

that DUDE talked about you
EVERY DAY

MY WHOLE LIFE 
everything I
DID
was MEASURED against 
YOU

YOU don't KNOW 
HOW 
IMPORTANT 

our ethical talks
WERE to me

YOU 
made me feel HEARD 


I don't REMEMBER 
ETHICAL talks 

DID we?

I REMEMBER 
a FEW TIMES 
dad MADE him CALL me 

there was this ONE time -- maybe THIS is ethical 

he had a teacher 
who was an 
IDIOT 
& he was KINDA 
losing his sh*t 
OVER it

he was SUPPOSED to do a 
BOOK REPORT 

he created a book
ABOUT 
DOPPELGANGERS

he WROTE a 
REPORT 
ON
the created book

invented the references


WELL 
I MEAN 
you didn't DO a BOOK REPORT 
MAYBE you ALREADY KNOW 
HOW to do a book report 

you made ART 
BUT 

SHE SHOULD have 
CAUGHT it
THAT 
PROVES she's an
IDIOT 

well, maybe 
WHY 
do you NEED to 
PROVE 
she's an idiot 

you KNOW she's an idiot 

BUT 
she's ALSO 
NOT looking for 
book report on book that doesn't exist 
SHE'S looking for 
ERRORS

people are gonna be idiots sometimes 
you tell 'em they're idiots
you give 'em reasons 
they put it on
YOUR PERMANENT RECORD

THAT
makes EVERYONE from then on
NOT give you a FAIR 
ASSESSMENT 
SO
ya WANT to 
PICK your
BATTLES with THAT 

there's NO chance
IF
she CATCHES 
FAKE BOOK

there's NO WAY she
GETS 
I'm an IDIOT 


SHE'S 
NEVER gonna get THAT 

YOU DID 
MAKE
ART
& the DOPPELGANGERS thing
is cool and it SEEMS like 
you got AWAY with it
BUT 

I THINK 
JUST 
MAYBE 
DON'T, ya KNOW 


Monday, July 14, 2025

I ordered a 
didgeridoo 

I have always loved the sound
BUT 
I MEAN 
I never thought it was
REALISTIC 
BUT 
I found this little 
BOX

it's got the tubes inside 
made in the Netherlands 
NOT that EXPENSIVE 

I'm GOOD at that raspberry motor boat thing

I thought I could combine
MEDITATION 
learning circular breathing
& LEARNING an
INSTRUMENT

which seems to be considered 
a cultural appropriation
& WHATNOT 

BUT 
it's a 
BOX

EVEN 
if I played it 
in public 

WHO

is gonna 
CRY 

DIDGERIDOO 


I need to sleep 
goodnight sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
I LOVE you VERY much 🫢🫢🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«šπŸ€πŸ”₯❤️

Sunday, July 13, 2025

AND
I guess 
I THOUGHT 
ALL of THAT

was something that you could just intuit from all the transformation and healing talk

SO
MAYBE 
the
EMPRESS & DEATH 

is ABOUT
CONNECTING

in a MORE
MANIFESTED
WAY

I just fixated on the part
I didn't DO right
I guess 

I FEEL like 
she was supposed to be 
KINDA a "big sister" role model
type could be friend
&
rather than let it go
I wanted to
UNDERSTAND 
what the
WEIRD 
energy thing MEANT 

ALSO 
I think I had to catch up

I FEEL like 
I USED 
to process
MORE 
real-time 

BUT 
life changing 

ALSO
I hope you'll 
KNOW 
what I'm talking about 
BUT 

you
TRANSMOGRIFIED
SO
GOOD 

AND
the places
WERE
SO 
awesome 

I MEAN 
I'm so sad I missed duluth 

I love the
SONG SWAP
& the friends 

I FEEL like 
it was
STILL quite a journey for me

BUT 
SWEETHEART 
YOU are
MAGIC 
was THAT too
VAGUE 

YOU 
impressed me

you
INTRIGUED me
& THEN

your 
INTRIGUE
was
BETTER 
than I IMAGINED 

& I'm not sure 
THAT 
has EVER happened to me before 


BUT 
GENIUS 

overall 

LIKE 
totally
GENIUS 


your painting 
is beautiful 
& the expression 
& color work
IMPRESS me 

I am never sure if I really make clear
HOW much 
I love your artistic 
WORK 
or
the artistry of your
CREATIVE work

ACROSS genre

BUT 
I have been processing my 
EXPERIENCES
& there were 
a LOT 
of bits
that were
CHALLENGING in the MOMENT 

BUT 
EVERYTHING 
was
FUN

I had FUN
WOW 
I asked 
a third time
& it's 
the TOWER 
AGAIN

is it 
POSSIBLE 
that she was wanting 
YOU 
& I stepped on THAT 

I'm REACHING here

BUT 
I'm LIKE 

OK OK the TOWER
I GET it
BUT 

can you make that any 
CLEARER

& it gave me
the SUN 
& the knight of CUPS

I MEAN 
it's NOT really 
my business, I'm just trying to figure out 

IF I just didn't 
LIKE her

OR
if there was SOME 
MORE 
SUBTLE thing
I'm supposed to be 
GLEANING

I get STUCK on things 
I don't understand 
I want to 
UNDERSTAND 

& SOMETIMES 
that's not realistic 

I can tell you
that music teacher
she works with neurodivergent kids
all the time

did you SEE how she rescued ME 
& I personally think
SHE slightly 
STRONG ARMED
spit it out girl
into coming at ALL 
BECAUSE she believes in her
SO STRONGLY 

remodel guy
is a BETTER person 
in proximity to 
his MOTHER who
DID
SOMEHOW 
seem similar to me
although I 
can't explain 
HOW 

doug & Lisa
are BOTH fundamentally
KIND & insecure

french horn guy

I bet you
FIFTY BUCKS 
ends up
SURPRISING us SOMEHOW 

he's planned out a life
that WORKS on PAPER 
it's LOGICAL
& RESPONSIBLE 
& COVERS his ASS

BUT 
HE is QUIRKY 
& he's NOT 
PLANNING to actually 
LIVE
that life

this is the kinda stuff going on in the background 

I can't shut this off
I'm still trying to figure out 
if there's something to
LEARN
from my negative magnet with huddleston blues

I have this 
ONLINE 
TAROT 
it's not an app, it's old school online
which is TINY
& a pain in the ass to SEE
BUT 
SOMETIMES 

it WORKS 
BETTER 
& I ASKED 

& I got the
TOWER 

TWICE in a ROW 

SO
MAYBE 

she's going THROUGH some
internal restructuring 
that it would be 
BETTER 

for everybody 
if I didn't 
DIP
my ENERGY into?

I listened to a few more songs
& I'm NOT sure 
that the
TOO SIMILAR hypothesis 
HOLDS WATER

I fell asleep 
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
🫢🫢🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«šπŸ€πŸ”₯❤️

Saturday, July 12, 2025

ya'll are
REALLY 
GOOD 
together 

I'm getting 
SOME
kind of vicarious
HEALING 

I didn't EXPECT THAT 

I hope ya'll
had a special day 
🫢🫢🫢
STILL haven't gotten to
RADIO SHACK 
BUT 
I'm not forgetting 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
I hope you are having a beautiful day 🫢🫢🫢
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart πŸ’‹
I should sleep 🫢🫢🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«šπŸ€πŸ”₯❤️
trudy askew -- lifeguard 
archway gallery 


Friday, July 11, 2025

I'm THINKING about 
the churango 

I LIKE 
that it SEEMS like 
you COULD 
PLAY
it
SIMILARLY to ukulele 
OR you COULD 
NOT 

BUT 
it's got 
MORE of that
RINGING -- droning -- DREAMY
SOUND

MAYBE 
it is REACHING TOO far 

BUT 
MAYBE if I got the WEIRD instrument 
BUT 
the extra strings 

I'm not YET sure
I can HANDLE the four

& I'm telling myself 
it's REALLY 
ONLY 
ONE
EXTRA 

because you PLAY the TWO as ONE

BUT 
MAYBE 
I'm just trying to be
EXTRA 

ALSO 
I'm not SURE that I generally 
LOVE andean music

would it be

DISRESPECTFUL 
ALSO 
You have the 
BEST
SMILE
I have this
LINE
STUCK in my HEAD 

god willing 
& the CREEK don't 
RISE

WHAT is THAT 
FROM 
ALSO 
that connors is
HAUNTING me


I am with my mom today 

I probably should respond to my brother at some point 

I KEEP getting 
the EMPRESS & DEATH

SO
I LOOKED at 
what OTHER people 
SAY it 
MEANS

AND
it all about
REBIRTH 
& TRANSFORMATION 

CREATIVE development 

BUT 
when I ASKED 
BEFORE 
I came home

what are my 
NEXT STEPS 

it gave me this
VERY OBVIOUS message 
that I'm not EXACTLY sure 
HOW to interpret 

it was
DICHOTOMY 
three of swords & three of cups
AND
three more of those

& I'm LIKE 
THIS 
has GOT to be 

SOMETHING like 
DECIDE what YOU want 
OR
SET the PARAMETERS for your WORLD

OR
ANYTHING you WANT 
OR
EVERYTHING is AVAILABLE to you 
OR
SOMETHING 

when I had ASKED the universe 
WHAT I NEEDED to KNOW 
& the gummy had just 
HIT
& I had this
NANOsecond of FEAR

& I was LIKE 
WOW 
I haven't had
ANY
trouble 
with these before 

& BEFORE 
ANY KIND of EXISTENTIAL DREAD 
could take hold

I GET 

YOU'VE COME THROUGH 
the SHAMANIC initiation process is 
OVER*

& he's NOT gonna STOP loving you

& I CRIED & CRIED
BUT 
in a GOOD 
WAY

*which I'm not trying to think is about you or us exactly, but maybe the whole going down underground and being torn apart and reFORMed -- if you follow 

SO
MAYBE 

DIRECTIONS say 
GO ANYWHERE 
goodnight sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
I LOVE you VERY much 🫢🫢🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«šπŸ€πŸ”₯

Thursday, July 10, 2025

I DREAMED 
I was on a couch 
I was 
YOUNGER

YOU 
looked like
BOBBY VEE

it was DARK though
& we
KISSED

it was different than the LAST time
I dreamed of 
KISSING you 

it wasn't 
the tentative 

WELL 
it was still a little tentative 
I guess 
BUT 
less TENTATIVE and 
MORE 

EXPLORATORY 

TONGUE TEXTURE 
ANGLES
BUT 

GOOD 

AND
there was
MORE 

KINDA 
everyday STUFF with
MOSTLY 
just existing in the
WORLD

differently
WHICH 
I can't 
EXPLAIN 

OR
remember DETAILS 
BUT 
it FELT 
important 
goodnight sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
I LOVE you VERY much 🫢🫢🫢
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«šπŸ€πŸ”₯

Wednesday, July 9, 2025

kitty seems to enjoy
UKULELE 

I played through all my chords again
& I'm pretty satisfied that 
it all hangs together 

as far as notes sounding ok together 

it's not a SONG YET though 
I've had a headache 
MAYBE I said 

I didn't play until my fingers hurt
I just ran through it all
a few times

I'm fixin to run through it AGAIN 

it'll change I'm sure
WHEN the lyrics make things more
OBVIOUS 

I'm not really sure 
I get melody
as it relates to

CHORDS
& lyrics 
& rhythm

SO
I'm probably going to watch more videos 
BUT 
I probably know more
than I THINK I do

I'm nodding off 
when I was a KID 
they USED to have
the old 
CLASSIC movies
on TV
&
I LOVED to
WATCH
those

& I WATCHED 
FRANKENSTEIN 
& DRACULA 

the mummy, creature from the black lagoon 
I MEAN 
ALL uh them

BUT 
at SOME point

VAMPIRES
became a 
SPECIAL interest

the FIRST regular 
GROWN up 
BOOK 
I read was 
INTERVIEW with the VAMPIRE 

BECAUSE 
I was a vampirophile

I HIGHLY identified with 
CLAUDIA 
the grown up
MIND
TRAPPED 
in the child's 
BODY


there's MORE 
BUT 
I believe 
THAT
answers the primary questions
YOU MIGHT 
generally
have
&
I'll go into my
LOVE for them*
*in a VERY specific subset

LATER 
the MOVIE 
I didn't 
LEAVE 

because it KINDA 
SNUCK UP on me

was
POLTERGEIST 

it SEEMED fine
we were WATCHING it

I wasn't having a 
PROBLEM 

& THEN
there was a SCENE that 
I completely 
BLOCKED OUT 

BUT 
I watched it again 
LATER 
to FIND OUT

the skeletons
are coming up in the SWIMMING POOL 
& SOMETHING about 
THAT

MADE ME
LIKE
HYSTERICAL 
KEENING
SEMI SHOCK

& my aunt joan 
turned to
sunrise and SAID 

TAKE her OUT of HERE

& my cousin*
*who is five years younger than me 
SAID 

NO
it is MORE FUN to 
WATCH HER
than the
MOVIE 

SO
no one took me OUT 
THEY JUST 
WATCHED
ME
I ALSO 
had to leave the theater 
for JURASSIC PARK
BUT 

THEY left TOO 
because it was pretty EARLY on in the FILM
& I made it CLEAR 
I WASN'T 
COMING 
BACK

the THING that 
TRIGGERED me was
the dinosaur*

*and I had loved dinosaurs since I was a kid

had the KIDS in the CAR
& was doing a
CAT & MOUSE thing


I can't HANDLE 
JUMP SCARES 
CAT & MOUSE

ANYTHING where
PIECES of people are being 
CUT OFF
gratuitous CRUELTY 

OR
ANYTHING that is gonna
GET into my 
SUBCONSCIOUS 
& SPROUT 
into

HORRIFIC sh*t

which covers A LOT of GROUND 
NOT JUST 
HORROR 
in 1984 I went to see 
GREMLINS 
with my aunt joan & cousin sunrise 

AND
I had to leave the theater for a while

the part where they are
LOOKING through 
the house
& you
KNOW 
sh*t is gonna

JUMP SCARE ya

I have an OVER ACTIVATED
NERVOUS SYSTEM 

I'm LIKE 
I'll go wait in the lobby
til THIS is 
OVER

THEN
I was SUPER embarrassed 
BECAUSE 
they invented a new 
CATEGORY 

PG-13
too INTENSE for 
"YOUNGER AUDIENCES"

I was SEVENTEEN 
ALSO
horror movies 
is not a short answer question 
I have an unsurprisingly
NON-standard
THING
I bought a 
CLUB 
from that 
old GUY 
&
I just describe him
LIKE that

because 
THAT is basically 
HOW 
HE described himself 

I really like it 
I just got one

he had me adjust 
WHERE I was
GRIPPING it
BUT 

APPARENTLY 
my FORM was
instinctual

the kettlebells aren't it
IDK WHY 
I cannot get into them

I really liked him

I was afraid that I would feel 
COMPELLED 
to do it outside 
BUT 
I got room
as long as I don't lose my grip

if it goes flying 
it'll f*CK sh*t UP