I need to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

goodnight 🫶🫶🫶☄️

👾🫚🍀🔥

I wanted to tell you

about my introduction to 

THAI food

I can't remember how old I was

the center

that had the RadioShack 

I don't remember 

what had been

in the building where the Thai place went in

BUT 

it was YEARS before the RadioShack even

THOUGHT about having PROBLEMS 

it was a block OVER

from where I 

WAITED

for the

BUS

I was already

FAMILIAR 

with chinese food

BUT 

WHAT

was THAI food

I believe that location is still a Thai restaurant 

NAME has CHANGED 

I loved the food -- I don't remember what I had

BUT, I remember thinking 

THAT SAUCE 

that sour spicy sweet liquid stuff

that's GOTTA be 

ONE of the BEST things 

EVER invented

I really LIKED some kinda

HOT POT 

that I haven't really 

NOTICED

as an adult

I've been going to Thai buffet for years

because it's cheap and easy

BUT 

they closed down

they had a fried tofu

in that sauce

& an spicy eggplant

& they had sushi

that was ok

green curry

spicy fish

they'd have other stuff

BUT 

I MISS that place

what do you call that sauce 

SO

on the ROAD 

I was like

I want to get to a specific place

& I expect it will take me

X amount of time

I feel like 

this is not just naturally 

a strength for me 

BUT 

it worked 

really well for me

I broke things down into manageable chunks

which didn't really 

ALLOW things

to become 

TOO 

OVERWHELMING 

I STARTED a little SHAKY 

BUT 

even in dallas I almost got it right 

I just missed the

EXIT 

& I was too TIRED 

& it was TOO dark

BUT 

I'm not sure 

HOW 

to

DEAL

with my mom

we were talking about 

before we ran out of TIME 

there's something 

BETWEEN 

a BOUNDARY 

& what I'm talking about 

I've ALSO 

WATCHED t*ump

SAY

some STRANGE word choices 

I THINK 

there's some 

STUFF COLLIDING in his brain

I have 

THEORIES 

BUT 

I think he came off

CREEPY 

SO

I guess I didn't SAY

NORMALLY 

we spend

TIME 

with him telling me about his stuff 

BUT 

TODAY 

I'm LIKE 

I CARE but I REALLY need to

LAUNCH 

into this

& with the security guard 

I had a headache 

I didn't SIT in

the bathroom, transitioning 

I just SAID 

I have a headache 

I have to GO

& he TOLD me 

it's the 

WEATHER 

which it probably is 

he said he's playing tennis from seven thirty to nine and it's still TOO HOT 

then I was LIKE 

OK

do I want to walk over there and get sushi

NO

the headache is becoming 

LIGHT SENSITIVE 

SO

I came home and sat in the blue light

AND

I got an overwhelming desire for 

SAAG PANEER 

& I remembered this place I ordered it from

some time back in the pandemic 

they made me choose a bread

all of them has a price

that seemed

WRONG 

BUT 

not really that big of a deal

then they didn't SEND it

I didn't NEED bread

I got the

SPECIAL basmati rice 

SMALL*

*because the small is enormous 

AND

BREAD 

with THAT is 

OVERKILL 

although, I kinda LIKE bread

I haven't watched it all yet

BUT 

charlotte and I 

used to hear him

on dr demento

on the regular 

&

I particularly liked 

his summer camp one

PROBABLY 

because I ALWAYS wanted to go to 

SUMMER CAMP 

& it was never

an option 

I wanted to go

FIND my TWIN a la 

PARENT TRAP

boarding school also sounded fun to me

TROUBLE with ANGELS 

OH

MAYBE that wasn't him

I ALWAYS thought it was, hmmmmm

I was trying to explain 

to my therapist 

you KNOW how everybody 

KNOWS what 

THEY want 

all the time

& they DON'T know what everybody else wants 

& if they DID 

they wouldn't be TOO concerned about it 

WELL 

it's like 

INTERFERENCE for me

LIKE 

on the ROAD I had all this clear

PSYCHIC STUFF 

& I'm LIKE 

WHY

is this SO CLEAR

NO interference 

I NEED a WAY

to BLOCK 

ALL the interference 

CONE of SILENCE 

SO

I can FOCUS on my

HIGH FREQUENCY VIBRATION 

therapist 

AGREES

BUT 

couldn't give me any steps

because we were 

OUT of TIME 

BUT 

HE NEVER DOES

BUT 

I'm headed in the

RIGHT direction 

MAYBE 

fitzcaraldo is not the best name for it

BENDING the world to 

MY WILL

ONLY seeing 

my OWN point of view 

I'll explain later 

I DREAMED about 

LIKE 

a fitzcaraldo body

I can't explain right now 

BUT 

I have 

ANOTHER SHADOW 

the one who relentlessly 

PUSHES

for

EVERYTHING 

to BEND

to his WILL 

BUT 

I keep him

LOCKED up 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 🫶🫶🫶

I'm gonna try to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

🫶🫶🫶👾🫚🍀🔥🫶🫶🫶

goodnight ☄️

SO

I'm avoiding my brother 

because I don't want 

to explain my WHOLE LIFE to him

I FEEL like 

he doesn't KNOW me 

& THAT doesn't 

SO much 

HURT

as JUST within the 

CONTEXT of

ALREADY 

BUSY

FIGURING out 

HOW my operating system WORKS 

BUT 

I FEEL like 

my mom is a problem for me

I NEED her

to NOT affect me

I WANT to get AWAY from her

BUT 

there are all these reasons why THAT is problematical

& BESIDES 

I'm trying to FIX myself 

& if she still bothers me 

MAYBE I'm NOT fixed

BUT 

I FEEL like 

MAINTAINING is IMPORTANT 

SO

I'm tempted to say

ROUTINE 

BUT 

that doesn't really work 

what WORKS is

FOCUS on 

SOMETHING 

BUT 

then only that gets done

& THAT doesn't 

WORK

& SO

WHAT do I NEED

to DO

it's a LOT easier to ask the universe for

a place to LUNCH 

than to figure out what to ask 

on any RANDOM day

BUT 

I MIGHT just have to

EXPERIMENT 

SMALLER CHUNKS 

WORKS BETTER 

I FEEL like I have MADE 

SO much progress 

& I want to

MAINTAIN that progress

THAT is 

I THINK 

what I WANT to TRY to EXPLAIN 

I'm sorry this is probably not too interesting 

I just want to make the MOST 

of the therapy 

I wasn't crying 

I don't know 

I FEEL 

brain-foggy and my joints hurt

I'm happy I have therapy tomorrow 

BECAUSE 

I'm 

THINKING 

SO

THEN

HOW 

do I explain that

what's going on with me

SO

I been thinking about that TOO 

BUT 

THAT'S not the right

FREQUENCY 

SO

I've been just been 

SCATTERED 

SO

there's a NEW planet

OOPS 

I don't feel super functional 

& I'm making mistakes 

my stomach hurts 

I DID get the cat to the vet though

I DREAMED 

I MEAN 

SOME

kind of festival 

I was tasting

SAUCES 

I was ordering produce

there was a BIG 

STREET festival type THING 

I don't know what it was about 

TOMATO sauce 

OK

I'm going to bed now

vet in the morning 

therapy tuesday 

THINGS

a foot

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

🧁🧁🧁👾🫚🍀🔥🫶🫶🫶 

goodnight ☄️

well

I made food

SO

I have proven that I 

CAN function 

I KINDA wish I hadn't 

EATEN food

&

I'm not sure if that is because 

there's something wrong with my stomach 

or if I JUST 

DON'T want to EAT

&

if the desire to not eat is because I want 

to be a smaller mass

LIGHTER

which

is not a BAD thing

BUT 

I'm not sure whether my natural tendency 

is HEALTHY

SO

I'm trying to decide what to do 

I didn't DRIVE the CAR

TODAY 

SO

coulda prepped better

BUT 

it's FINE 

I thought about you chin a fair amount

I had pancakes

I have this

high protein mix

& I made them with c8 mct

& I made them

RESTAURANT 

SIZE and

SHAPE

& I just realize 

THAT must be BASED on SOMETHING*

*I'm not sure what I m using as criterion 

THEN

I didn't just slap peanut butter on

& I didn't WANT syrup

SO

I melted some GHEE

& MANUKA 

which

was pretty good

I was pretty happy with it 

I HOPE you had FUN 

I've ALSO been 

thinking

about

that

DREAM

I HAVE this

SCULPTURAL ELEMENT

in my mind 

BUT 

I don't remember what part of the party it ties

BACK to

it's this TWIST of LEGS in stripey tights

& I WONDER 

did I JUST 

SEE

stripey tights 

OR

did my subconscious go full festival 

I had planned to get up

at nine

then

nine thirty 

then ten

& then

ACTUALLY 

got up

at

eleven

I'm fine with it 

BUT 

I've been trying to figure out how to describe 

WHAT I dreamed 

I'm not sure what was actually going on 

there was this room

& you filled it

with stuff 

& I sat

IN

the room full of stuff 

& I MEAN 

it was

BEAUTIFUL 

MUSEUM QUALITY stuff 

& THEN

I started MOVING it

AROUND 

& THEN

I left and went to some kind of

PARTY

& THEN

I was checking with 

SOME guy WHO 

was in charge of 

PRODUCING 

SCULPTURAL ELEMENTS I was designing 

to SOMEHOW represent the PARTY 

in the ROOM full of STUFF 

I'm not sure IF

or HOW 

the two things related to each other

BUT 

in the DREAM 

I UNDERSTOOD the assignment 

I HOPE you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 🫶 🫶 🫶 

I was gonna

"without fail"

go back to bed by one

because I have to take the cat to the vet

MONDAY 

BUT 

I couldn't miss any of that

& I couldn't 

WAIT 

I wouldn't have been able to sleep anyway 

such beautiful emotion 

& I MEAN 

I CANNOT believe 

I'm gonna SAY this, but

that hat is really a SATISFYING fit 

I'm not EQUATING the two

I do need to go to sleep though 

gotta cycle back

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

🫶🫶🫶👾🫚🍀🔥🫶🫶🫶

goodnight ☄️

I'm smiling SO hard

TODAY 

has been 

WEIRD 

I texted my mom yesterday 

& I was LIKE 

are you ok on food

I might be able to go to the grocery 

if you're out of food 

she's like no I'm FINE 

I wake up at eight-ish pm

& there's a text from eight hours ago

OK are we going to

LUNCH 

I'm LIKE 

HEY 

I just woke up

OH you must be very well rested, how do you feel 

NOT good

OH MAYBE you're not well yet

I NEVER said I was well

I said if you were out of food

I MIGHT have the energy to drag myself 

through the grocery store 

& YOU said you were FINE 

SO I had 

NO PLANS to DO anything today 

I DREAMED 

I had been waiting for 

SOMEONE who would GRADE my WORK PROPERLY 

& I'd FINALLY 

gotten someone 

SO

EVERYONE was freaking out 

because I turned in a three inch stack of blueprints 

DEVELOPMENT of a PARK

with different options 

BASED on

DIFFERENT ways the

COMMUNITY 

might want to develop the land, based on priorities 

the old instructor 

would ONLY 

ALLOW 

ONE

OPTION 

THEN

I ALSO dreamed 

this VERY elaborate WORK model

that I have a hard time explaining 

THEN

I WORKED in 

a SMALL 

garage studio all day

without realizing 

there wasn't any lighting

BUT 

PRODUCED

SOME

BODY of WORK 

I was PROUD of 

THEN

I explained to 

SOME co-worker (?) guy 

SOME psycho-philosophical issue I had

in my interactions with others

in the workplace 

SO

I DID 

MONTHS worth of WORK 

while I was sleeping 

WHAT does THAT

MEAN 

well

I need to go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

🫶🫶🫶👾🫚🍀🔥❤️🫶🫶🫶

goodnight ☄️

SILOS at the

STORYTELLER festival 

I'm SEEING it

there's a 

SPACE

in the middle 

& curving benches

NOT long ones

STAGGERED 

SO

it's easy to move around 

I'm not saying 

I'm PSYCHIC SEEing it

I can JUST 

SEE it

I don't think STORM CHASER is a thing 

BUT 

I HAVE to DO

SOMETHING with that SKY

& SILO

& there was this

STRAWBERRY dress

& at the TIME 

I was LIKE 

HEY 

I WANTED but didn't BUY that DRESS

& I'm HAPPY to 

SEE it

in the WILD

BUT 

THEN

subsequently I remembered 

I have a whole strawberry 

DRESS coded into me

that I'm GLAD 

I didn't remember at the TIME because 

it's 

CODED daddy

& I'm not 

trying 

to

ADD, ya KNOW 

BUT 

I guess what I mean

is the

BACKGROUND 

has TEXTURE it's 

BEAUTIFUL 

I ALSO 

watched

WAKANDA

& I had a surprising number of feels

about what wasn't that 

GREAT of a 

MOVIE 

the kulkulkan

the princess

was LESS the little girl I remember 

MORE androgynous 

I have FEELS about the

FALLEN warrior 

I keep thinking about how

he was doing that

SICK

I guess I wanted to 

PUSH my

EMOTIONS around

in a more controlled environment 

& I MEAN 

to bask in the DIGNITY of 

ANGELA BASSETT 

THAT

is WORTH

the price of admission 

BUT 

they KINDA lost me

with

KU kul Aquaman 

BUT 

COLONIALISM 

but

ANYWAY 

I had all THAT before 

SNARKY 

SO

that probably 

HIT

different 

NOPE 

GOSSIP 

ANN LANDERS

& Miss Manners

& whoever else

I've forgotten whatever I KNEW about GOSSIP 

which I feel like wasn't nothing

because I haven't 

ACCESSED it

in SO LONG 

LOUELLA parsons 

made me think

I MIGHT be 

GOOD 

at

ADVICE 

I thought she was an advice collumnist 

although I didn't look it up to

VERIFY 

I guess 

now that I'm thinking about it 

MAYBE 

it's about trying to 

MAKE it HAPPEN 

or NOT 

MAYBE 

it's about her trying to force her sons into 

UNTENABLE  position 

BUT 

JUST 

ICK

all round

I just saw this thing in my insta feed

I told it to never show it to me again 

BUT 

I still am a little upset by it

there's some family

the sister is getting married 

& the mother is not inviting her sons' girlfriends

NO RING

NO invite 

these women have been dating the sons

for two and three years respectively 

NOW

granted

I don't have a lot of experience with 

WEDDINGS

BUT 

what the fuck

this is like an advice column

SNARKY in the suburbs

BUT 

she was like

TAKE the GIFT

she thinks you're wasting your time with him

BUT 

these women are on friendly terms with the family 

they aren't saying 

they don't like them

they are saying 

IF

you aren't marriage material 

AND

WHAT OTHER CRITERIA is there

WE don't want you in the 

PICTURES

& THAT 

WHOLE ATTITUDE 

EVERY ANGLE of it

OFFENDED ME 

SO MUCH 

I commented

I don't know WHY this is in my feed

BUT 

I hope I never see you again 

& then TOLD it

NEVER show me this AGAIN 

I WISH

I could have thought of something 

REALLY hurtful to SAY 

it just felt

SO

DE-HUMANIZING

I was actually thinking about 

ADVICE 

as something I might be good at

BUT 

MAYBE I'm TOO 

OUT of TOUCH 

with the

f*CKed UP world

ALRIGHT 

SO

subsequently he texted me

& he's cleared to move about the cabin

SO

we'll see 

BUT 

I am hopefully getting therapized tuesday 

it rained pretty much all day

I still feel KINDA unwell 

I'm gonna take some NyQuil soon 

& try to sleep 

WELL 

my therapist didn't text me

SO

I texted HIM 

asked how his doctor went, if he was free to move about yet

NO response 

it's been about two hours

I'm guessing 

NOT free

BUT 

I'm a little worried 

about the 

NOT replying 

in THIS context 

it is REALLY RAINING now

I want cheeseburgers

it's all rainy today 

& winter-like

87/77

I'm exaggerating 

it still feels 

HOT

I can 

ALMOST BREATHE 

through my 

NOSE

my chest hurts a little 

BUT 

I'm not 

COUGHING 

MUCH

MAYBE 

plan

SOMETHING 

FUN

every day

that 

SOUNDS SILLY 

BUT 

WHAT could it HURT 

MAYBE 

FOCUSING on FUN

is a step in the right direction 

just spit balling 

SO

I've been trying to 

THINK 

WHAT

was my methodology 

on the ROAD 

& ASKING for THINGS

& thanking the universe in advance 

for the awesome experience 

it was GOING to 

DELIVER

SEEMS 

BOTH 

CORE & reproducable 

AND

I got overwhelmed PLENTY 

I'm JUST not

REMEMBERING that NOW

because I TEND to remember 

the SKY

not the freak out part

NOW I'm LIKE 

STORM CHASER

hmmmmm

VIBRATION 

I'm FINDING the 

RIGHT vibration 

FREQUENCY 

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶🫶🫶

👾🫚🍀🔥❤️

I have had

MORE

political content 

TODAY 

than I probably should 

I'm feeling a little 

ANXIOUS 

I ALSO 

am STILL feeling 

WEAK

I am also in this thing

WHERE 

I want to

CHANGE everything 

BUT 

you can't change everything at ONCE 

& what I'm trying to do 

is not FIX myself 

in THAT 

WAY

BUT 

WHAT I WANT is that

in FLOW with 

the UNIVERSE 

action 

I LOVE that

I was so happy with the 

WAY I SEEMED 

to FIND 

I need to get out of the house

BUT 

my mom just sucks it out of me

& my STUFF is 

REALLY 

bothering me 

I'm a little 

OVERWHELMED 

& I'm a little 

OVER

being overwhelmed 

does any of that

make SENSE 

BUT 

I'm trying to HOLD on

to the ROAD ME

& I'm KINDA 

looping

a little 

watch the new South Park

it doesn't disappoint 

I'm gonna sleep again 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

🫶🫶🫶👾🫚🍀🔥❤️🫶🫶🫶

HEY 

I KNOW 

this probably seems 

WEIRD 

I JUST WANT to make 

ABSOLUTELY 

CLEAR

I'm 

HAPPY 

with

YOU 

COMPLETELY 

and

I'm a little WORRIED 

that this might be all shaking out

in a WAY 

that is distressing

I don't want to 

cause you

STRESS

I guess the importance of the 

FLEET of CARS 

was

it was SOME kind of

OFFICIAL 

MOTORCADE 

which

was it

MINE 

I'm not sure 

SOMETHING is HAPPENING 

inside me

DUNNO 

WELL 

I JUST got out of BED 

I had a bottle of water 

with me

SO

I'm sure I drank 

SOME water 

BUT 

I didn't get up

except to pee

& I didn't even scroll through my phone 

MUCH 

I didn't DREAM much

& I didn't NEED NyQuil 

the congestion in my HEAD has thickened

SO it isn't uncomfortably dripping 

& I can intermittently 

BREATHE 

through 

ONE

NOSTRIL 

or the other 

it's MOVED to my

CHEST

SO

moving around much encourages 

MORE COUGHING 

I'm not sure what I said yesterday 

BUT 

I was interested in 

FOOD 

SO

I ordered lo mein & won ton soup

which seems to have held me

MORE than twenty four hours

TRADITIONALLY 

I would be 

PUSHING 

BUT 

I don't SEE any advantage 

to not giving myself 

the permission to 

JUST get BETTER 

at my own rate

BUT 

MAYBE 

it's 

BAD

I don't know 

I'm SORRY 

IF

I'm being freaky 

I LOVE you VERY much 💋 

I'm NOT 

DEPRESSED 

I don't think 

BUT 

I am thinking about 

my mom

& HOW to make her

LESS TOXIC 

to me

SO

HONESTLY 

I'm not in a hurry to get back to her

I DID have a DREAM 

BUT 

it SEEMS 

SILLY

there was a whole 

FLEET of CARS

for some official something 

& I had them

ALL

fitted out with some kind of

LIKE 

plastic cutlery or something 

where is had this

COOL effect

it didn't SEEM important 

BUT 

it was COOL 

I'm NOT sure 

if I should be WORRIED about 

my LOST day

I can't believe I'm still awake 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

goodnight 🫶🫶🫶

👾🫚🍀🔥❤️

I read that again 

it made me

SO

HAPPY 

PROPS

YOU ARE

MAGIC 

BUT 

I'm NOT 

CONFUSING you

AM I

I am prepared to believe 

I might be being 

CONFUSING 

BUT 

I blame

CASEY'S 

for the chocolate chip situation 

I don't KNOW 

HOW 

their cookies are so good 

I MEAN 

I don't know how to describe 

the DREAMS 

LAST NIGHT 

there was STUFF about 

HOW to tell if you're 

being tracked

there was STUFF about 

HOW to make 

your invisible 

ENTRY 

NOT visible 

I KEPT trying to get in line

for CHOCOLATE CHIP cookies 

& I couldn't 

SEEM

to EVER GET them

my TAKE AWAY is

I MUST 

FEEL better 

because I REALLY want 

chocolate chip cookies 

BUT 

THAT 

doesn't FEEL like 

an

IMPORTANT 

take away

BUT 

I DO

have LIKE a rebuttal for the

PAIN BODY 

NOBODY 

MADE ME

PROVE

 I WAS MAGIC 

& it is NOT a HARDSHIP to 

PROVE I'm MAGIC 

in FACT

NONE of the 

"FACTS"

are the 

PROBLEM 

it's the

VIBRATION 

& THAT 

is just NOT 

HOW I FEEL 

BUT 

the IDEA that

I have to continue to 

DEAL with my mom until she KICKS OFF 

COMBINED with my

BROTHER just

JUMPING 

on some

TRIGGER adjacent property 

I FELL into

an unaliving myself adjacent mood

& THAT 

I THINK 

let me SEE the pain body 

I tried explaining 

I've been working twenty years 

for the opportunity 

& HOW 

can I EXPLAIN it to him

BUT 

it's to do with trauma

I can't JUST chuck him out

I have to dissolve him

SEE

DREAMS are BETTER 

MORE

PROCESS 

BUT 

it's WEIRD 

it's LIKE 

SIMULTANEOUSLY 

SO

PROUD 

of that breakthrough 

AND

DEAR GOD woman

BUT 

I feel LIKE 

THAT'S 

WHAT

I'm WORKING on 

I feel weird 

about

BOTH 

truthfully 

I feel like I made

SO MUCH 

PROGRESS 

BUT 

I'm having TROUBLE integrating

I THINK my body

has to SHUT down 

to run like

DEEP 

SCANS

I WISH I could SAY 

I've got it

UNDER 

CONTROL 

BUT 

DOESN'T 

SEEM like it 

OK

I JUST

CAUGHT up to SOMETHING 

YEAH 

OK

WELL

I HOPE we were

NOT pretending to be 

SANE at all

AND

SUPER VULNERABLE, yet still somehow a b*tch

I'm 

SORRY 

I SCARED you, didn't I

I didn't 

MEAN to be 

I MEAN 

I SCARED me TOO 

OH

I almost forgot 

I texted my

therapist 

he's getting his neck brace off

THURSDAY 

which he

will confirm Friday*

*but not unless he's actually performing better than baseline, but the mouth noises are encouraging -- I'll take it

he should be back next week 

which I don't think is

LIKELY 

more often than not broken bones run longer 

when you're older

& it's his neck

THIS is wearing me out 

I FORGOT I was

THIS conscious 

THAT and the SHOWER 

we're the MUST DOs

I FEEL like 

I KINDA 

NEED

the therapy 

BUT 

I guess I'm doing it 

old school 

my mom thought

and my brother 

BUT 

I think 

identifying this

pain body

I MEAN 

shaman-y

I'm not sure how to do it 

there were two more

RANDOM things 

TUMBLER 

& I forget 

I ate a little 

two small chicken thighs 

in some broth

with some 

GARLIC 

we'll 

SEE how that goes 

I took a shower 

which was

EXHAUSTING 

BUT 

CLEAN 

FEELS 

good 

I'm 

going back to sleep 

goodnight sweetheart 💋

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶🫶🫶

👾🫚🍀🔥❤️

🤧

I WORE 

different glasses 

I UNPACKED bags 

ARRANGED things in different ways 

I repacked the bags

DIFFERENTLY

I went to meetings 

HOLD your bag

THIS WAY

stand on one foot 

in the lake

I took off my 

PAIN BODY'S clothes

tried WRAPPING it 

tighter

looser

BINDINGS 

I walked through a myriad of

PRACTITIONERS with

SYSTEMS 

I had to use the bathroom 

& I FOUND one

at the SAME time as

another woman

who gestured me to go FIRST 

BUT 

I wanted HER to go first

because I had to sh*t

BUT 

she insisted

& she was talking to me through the door 

& I wasn't sure 

HOW 

I was even gonna be able to 

UNDER THOSE 

circumstances 

BUT 

there was NO TOILET PAPER 

SO

it wasn't happening anyway 

& when I told her there was none

she was GONE before I could 

get back out of there

I was getting 

TIRED 

& KINDA 

hopeless

WHAT

was I SUPPOSED to do 

with this

VERY ROBUST

PAIN BODY

AND THEN

I CAME to a PLACE

& I'm NOT SURE 

HOW 

to DESCRIBE the place 

it was a property with buildings and fences 

the predominant color was

LIKE 

a light straw color

it was FLOODED

to my chest height

& I THOUGHT 

it was going to be

VERY COLD

WALKING into high water

isn't generally a good idea 

& I wasn't TOO SURE 

I wanted to

BUT 

it was totally 

CLEAR

PURE

SO

I WALKED in 

it FELT good 

& ESPECIALLY 

the way I could

FEEL

the RESISTANCE 

of my OWN

WEIGHT 

there was

SOMETHING 

GOOD 

RIGHT 

about THAT

THAT was the RIGHT 

DIRECTION 

BUT 

THEN

I woke up

& I'm not sure what it 

MEANS

BUT 

it's IMPORTANT 

I'm all fluided up

SO

I'm going back to sleep 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶🫶🫶

👾🫚🍀🔥❤️

🤧

have I upset you

with something I 

SAID 

or didn't 

SAY

I'm getting this

VIBE

MAYBE 

something about the 

little red-headed girl stuff

I can't READ you as easily 

as regular people 

SO

I don't stumble upon

ya KNOW 

that's not intended to be

a CRITICISM 

I'm still really sick

BUT 

I'm sorry if I suck

HONESTLY 

I think I ALWAYS 

read it that way 

LIKE 

if my reaction to you

CAUSES

all this

CLEARLY 

THIS is not

WHERE I should be

I WISH "I was special"

because it must be nice to feel 

"so fucking special"

instead of the

incomprehensible 

SPECIAL 

that has sh*t ATTACHED to it

I just woke up

SORRY 

this is MAYBE 

a little intense 

this dream

was preceded by

a longish stretch of awakeness 

I which I had

CREEP by radiohead 

STUCK in my HEAD

I don't know if that's important 

because I don't THINK 

& I was thinking THIS before the dream

I don't THINK you have to 

TAKE it as

he's saying he IS a CREEP 

I THINK 

he's READING 

the

VIBE

(or could be)

THIS is what

YOU think

ABOUT me

I GET it

I don't belong

HERE

OK

NOW THAT was a DREAM

ALL the 

SUPER HEROES 

RE-whatevered

NOT 

LIKE 

superman and batman 

they all acknowledged 

the ways they

DIDN'T 

WORK together 

BEFORE 

& checked in

with each other

elefant chanson guy

was hooked up

with some

FIGHTER guy

& a spooky girl

who all had abysmal living situations

& they're getting a

"HEADQUARTERS"

I'm not sure WHO orchestrated 

all of this

BUT 

it was a

GOOD DREAM 

I'm still sick

& I THINK 

I took a little 

EXTRA

NYQUIL in the night

probably contributed

good morning sweetheart 🫶 🫶 🫶 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

I read back through 

HEALER'S DMs 

all the elements I noted

WERE there 

BUT 

the TONE

is LIKE 

YOU have 

LOW self esteem 

& I'mma 

FIX you

by TELLING you 

HOW 

HYPED up

you were in my household

AFTER 

YOU 

LEFT

WHY

does everyone 

ASSUME 

LOW SELF ESTEEM is my issue 

is that just default 

it's THEIR issue 

SO 

they assume 

it's EVERYONE'S 

I don't really 

KNOW 

what that

DREAM was ABOUT 

BUT 

I FEEL 

less WEEPY 

I'm going back to sleep 

💋🫶🫶🫶👾🫚🍀🔥❤️

I dreamed 

there was this boy

& he had to climb this very

STEEP incline

to GET to

the place he was living 

it was a house

with a bunch of girls living there 

& at first I thought they were

his sisters

BUT 

I don't think that they were

I THINK it was 

JUST

a bunch of young people 

in almost a flop house

SITUATION 

SO

he climbs past the car of girls

CAR parked on the side of

a STEEP hill

who are

LOOKING to cause him

TROUBLE 

& as he goes by them

he pulls himself 

UP

using the car

& then

PERHAPS it

FALLS

or perhaps he IMAGINED it

he's NOT SURE 

he sneaks in his house

the other girls have all gone to sleep

& he goes in his room

there are two mattresses on the floor

& he has trouble 

getting by

BUT 

his mattress is the FAR one

he has something that he constructs

from PIECES that form

a FIGURE that is

a small nite lite

& he looks out the window 

which is REALLY 

a sliding glass door

& FIRST he SEES

a beautiful courtyard 

BUT THEN 

it is an alley

& CARS

are driving by

SPLASHING muddy water

on the sliding glass door 

which oozes in

& SOAKS

into his mattress 

he has this bit of something in his mind

elefant chanson

which he loves

& cherishes

& protects

it comes from a SIGN he saw somewhere 

& at SOME point 

he started paying 

MOST of his

MONEY

to KEEP the SIGN from being 

TORN DOWN

BUT 

THEN

people decided it had some

MAGIC 

I'm payed 

EVERY month

NOT to REMOVE it 

& people started trying to 

FIGURE out what 

the MAGIC was

& FINALLY 

SOMEONE came

with a BUNCH of MONEY 

BOUGHT the SIGN

& WHEN they couldn't FIGURE out 

the MAGIC 

CAME LOOKING for HIM

& the SIGN

DIDN'T 

HAVE

ANY

intrinsic magic

it ONLY had

MAGIC 

to HIM

& NOW the SIGN was GONE

& THEY were hunting him

to MAKE him

TELL them

HOW 

to use the magic

when it was ONLY keeping him

from DESPAIR 

that was the ONLY magic

& NOW

things were

WORSE than EVER

& REALITY was SHIFTING around him

HE wasn't SURE what was REAL

HAD he caused those girls to FALL 

WAS the SIGN

MAGIC 

he lay on his gritty mattress 

looked at the little nite lite

listened to the sound

of the girl breathing 

in the bed next to him

& WONDERED

WELL 

the way sickness 

SEEMS to 

work for me these days

is I get sick

when I need to

PROCESS 

I ordered a 

SMOOTHIE king 

because I thought I wanted

JUICE 

BUT 

I'm gonna have to MAKE myself 

DRINK it

I got a COUNTER offer

5.1% with a message about

HOW he WISHED 

I could 
UNDERSTAND 

the situation in bolivia 

&

I don't FEEL good about it

LIKE 

I can't explain 

it's a LOT of money to ME 

& the situation 

MIGHT 

be FINE, but it SEEMS a little 

POSSIBLY SKETCH

SO

I'm NOT doing it 

BUT 

I'm all WEEPY

& I don't know what that is about 

I KEEP getting 

the TOWER card

followed by

SO

MANY 

GOOD CARDS 

BUT 

WHAT does THAT

MEAN

PLUS 

I've seen all these new interpretations

of the marilyn thing

I'm JUST 

UNSETTLED 

I didn't tell you 

the strange 

PART

about the goldfish dream

YOU 

we're in a structure 

and the tanks

we're

IN

the structure of the walls

LIKE 

WALL studs -- or whatever you actually call that

& then TANK in where the dry wall would be 

LIKE 

you were in a house

of living

moving

GOLD

I'm dehydrated 

I SHOULD be hungry 

BUT 

SUPER MEGA ick

on food

SO

I'm having some 

LAIRD maca latte

& I'll have some tea

& some water

IF

THAT 

makes food seem less icky

I'll have some 

BUT 

at least I'll get some calories and MCTs

I DREAMED 

I talked to and hugged 

MARILYN MONROE 

she was older

than she was when she died

& I was younger than I am

I told her

I had grown up

watching her

in my grandparents theater

I meant STAGE theater

NOT FILM

& that her

DIGNITY and GRACE

& the kindness

she had always 

addressed to the kids

had been a huge

INSPIRATION 

to me

she was holding her face

in a weird way

to keep

from having visible expressions 

while still seeming

to HAVE 

an enigmatic inscrutable expression 

& she pulled me in

for a slightly stiff side hug

ALMOST as if

EVERYTHING HURT

& she gave me a little smile

thanks honey

it was

ALTERNATE universe 

SOMEHOW 

BUT 

POWERFUL 

I felt like I was getting 

SICK

SO

I took NyQuil and went back to sleep 

I DREAMED 

you had all these

TANKS

GOLDFISH 

EVERYWHERE 

& I have 

REMEMBERED 

the whole rest of the sleeping day

when I saw it

I thought 

he's gonna get 

SO MUCH 

money

& LUCK

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

I'm going back to sleep 🫶🫶🫶

👾🫚🍀🔥❤️

SO

THIS is what I DID 

I WANT 

that quasar 

I don't speak Spanish 

& the subtitles 

we're ALSO in Spanish 

BUT 

I'm pretty sure 

WHAT they said WAS 

THIS is a 

charango 

designed for extra emotive playing

it's a concert charango 

& I don't really NEED that, probably 

it is ALSO black 

SO

it might be just

ego/individual/want

HARD to KNOW 

SO

what I did

I made an offer

seventeen percent off

if they

ACCEPT 

I'm taking it as a SIGN 

although seventeen percent is 

my STANDARD haggle 

I figure 

if ya got a store

& ya do sales

at all

that's probably not going to 

OFFEND

I don't MEAN I go into stores and haggle 

I'm talking about 

within the 

MAKE

AN

OFFER 

framework 

if they COUNTER with

THREE percent 

I'm ALSO 

taking

it as

a SIGN

any other outcome 

CASE by CASE

I need to sleep 

goodnight sweetheart 💋

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶 🫶 🫶 

👾🫚🍀🔥❤️

I THINK the

VIBE 

I'm going for with those

PAINTINGS

is

VAGUELY alien

pictogram

LIKE 

rock painting 

my mom

is

exhausting

to ME

she LIKES to 

tell me "helpful things"

POSSIBLY 

because she has no conversational skills

POSSIBLY 

because she KNOWS it irritates me

POSSIBLY 

because she THINKS I'm mentally challenged 

POSSIBLY 

because it lets her IMAGINE 

that she is

WISE

& a CONSTANT 

SOURCE

of SUCCOUR 

THEN

when she GETS me irritated 

she turns it around 

STARTS a FIGHT 

WHEN 

did I GO from

KNOWING EVERYTHING 

to knowing NOTHING 

I don't know...

I don't THINK you EVER

KNEW everything 

& I GUESS 

YOU 

are the one saying you know nothing NOW 

BECAUSE 

I didn't say it

BUT 

I guess I said I had a headache 

SO

WHAT BETTER TIME 

to START a 

FIGHT, huh

she f*CKing

SMILED

at me

WELL 

there IS a trick 

to the DIDGERIDOO 

it's not JUST 

do a raspberry 

you need a certain amount of air FLOW 

& a certain amount of NOISE

& to be SOME

SPECIFIC 

distance from the 

HOLE

SO

PLENTY to 

FIGURE out 

BUT 

it's HERE 

& it's 

a VERY manageable 

SIZE

I worked on this at the open studio, but NOW I was LIKE 

TOO much 

gotta COOL it 

DOWN 

these I'm just starting 

BUT 

I'm going for

TEXTURE 

I should sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

🫶🫶🫶 goodnight 🫶🫶🫶

👾🫚🍀🔥❤️

I don't need to

EXPLAIN 

little red-headed girl 

DO I

she works there

because 

she

LOVES

all the stuff 

I was LOOKING at the stuff

BUT 

PLAYING 

we're BOTH playing with the cool toys

& we both JUST 

it SOUNDS dumb

NOW

a little red-headed girl 

is kinda off in her

own world

&

it's just

FUN

to catch the VIBE 

with somebody else 

it's 

OK

here's a bit that MIGHT make SENSE 

I was paying with a 

CREDIT 

CARD

&

it wasn't going through 

she was pretty

SURE 

she was doing it right 

when I came in

the owner 

went ACROSS the WAY for lunch

& was LIKE 

if you have a problem 

CALL me 

SO

she called her

& she WAS doing it

RIGHT 

it JUST NEEDED for

me to humble myself and ASK

NOW it's WORKING 

FINE 

not like oh wow as me

LIKE 

oh, of course 

when I was in that

SIMPLY NOURISHED 

I was in there

for a while 

& the person working 

was pleased forgive the apparent incorrectness 

a cute little red-headed girl

she's ACTUALLY 

a grown woman who's married 

with three children who teaches school 

& works in a shop in the SUMMER 

BUT 

game recognize game

OR

SOMETHING 

we had FUN and she KEPT saying 

you're LETTING me get SO MUCH practice 

SO 

I signed up for the newsletter 

and it's FUN too

I joined their

store card thingy

I heard an old guy in the bookstore 

he GOES THERE every week 

to GET his FERMENTS

they're getting 

a store where you can get stuff

RE-FILLED 

I JUST 

WATCHED 

a video 

it's got FIVE chairs

&it says 

PICK your 

CHAIR

AND

I'm LIKE 

I actually like 

ALL those CHAIRS 

AM I picking a CHAIR to LOOK at 

OR 

a CHAIR to SIT on

AM I PICKING 

WHICH one 

I ENJOY 

RIGHT NOW 

or

the ONE chair

FOR

OPTIMAL minimalism

I DECIDED 

I was

PICKING

if you could

HAVE

ANY

of

these chairs, here take it

I DECIDED 

I would 

TAKE the chair

that would be the most satisfying to me

AS a CHAIR 

NOT 

the aesthetic experience 

I picked chair FIVE

because I 

LIKE 

to SIT forward

& that's 

the ONLY chair that lets you do that 

it's 

ERGONOMIC 

& it the WARRIOR chair

& I was BOTH surprised & not at all surprised 

I DREAMED about

I'm not sure 

HOW to

EXPLAIN 

there was

a MUSICAL instrument 

BUT 

it wasn't exactly 

it was ALIVE and 

it didn't LOOK 

LIKE an

INSTRUMENT 

it was

NESTLING 

into my

CREVICES 

it was trying to 

CALIBRATE 

to ME

SYMBIOTIC 

SOMEHOW 

& MAYBE 

it's because I've been trying to 

FIND a charango 

that I think is

INSTRUMENT grade

& in good condition 

& NOT TOO 

EXPENSIVE 

& I THOUGHT 

I had found one

BUT 

then I realized that the back was 

FLAT*

*it was made by a luthier whose guitars sound great on YouTube, but can't find any examples of charango sound, so really it is probably a hybrid thing which might be fine, but I'd like to hear an example 

AND

THAT 

made me realize that the one I WANT 

FEELS right

I can't see the BACK of it

in the ONE picture 

which

it's probably 

NOT really TOO expensive 

BUT 

it's A LOT 

to

it's three TIMES as much

SO

INSTRUMENT 

in HEAD

before 

BED

BUT 

it felt like

MORE 

than THAT 

it felt 

IMPORTANT 

I had a headache 

& I lay down 

& fell

ASLEEP 

I'm exhausted 

MAYBE 

I really wanted to 

TALK about 

my brother 

AND

the PART 

that HITS 

DAD

TALKED about me

apparently 

LIKE 

I was GREAT 

BUT 

TREATED me 

NOT so MUCH 

I will NEVER understand 

THAT

although I've 

SEEN it other TIMES 

& the fact that jason

RESENTS me

makes some kinda sense now

BUT 

I MEAN 

F*CK

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

I hope you are having a beautiful day 🫶🫶🫶 

I think I'm going back to 

SLEEP 

I don't WANT to 

PUZZLE this OUT 

F*CK

I WISH that

I am having psychological and emotional problems and I'm not doing 

very well

& I'm not responding to you 

because you are 

TRIGGERING ME 

I WISH 

THAT MEANT 

SOMETHING 

I THINK I'm doing 

SO MUCH 

BETTER 

BUT 

I just wish

I LOVE you 

I HOPE 

GOOD stuff 

for YOU today 

👾🫚🍀🔥❤️

I KEEP getting 

the MAGICIAN 

WHICH 

is one of your cards

BUT 

I'm getting it

REPEATEDLY

 

SO

I KINDA assume you are

WORKING 

MAGIC 

then just NOW I got the MAGICIAN 

& a BUNCH of

FIVES

& I'm not sure what THAT means 

I associate FIVE as

YOUR number

& I usually 

SEE it

PAIRED with SEVEN 

BUT 

this was just

five, five, five, five, five, five, five

are you writing something 

SUPER personal

I'm just

CURIOUS 

WELL 

no therapy today 

I texted him yesterday 

slightly before 

SIX pm

to ASK if we were

STILL on for

TODAY 

BUT 

he doesn't 

REMEMBER that 

OR

it SEEMS like he doesn't 

I'm a little worried about him

& so is the security guard 

I personally 

WONDER 

he MIGHT be on

PAIN meds

BUT 

he was taking 

STUFF 

that was making him

MUCH less SHARP 

BEFORE 

&

I WONDER if he's 

JUST still TAKING 

THAT

&

MAYBE 

it's 

interacting

my aunt joan ended up with

DRUG induced 

LUPUS 

that way

NOT 

TELLING 

all the doctors 

WHAT ELSE she was TAKING 

BUT 

it's not really appropriate for me to 

ASK

I shoulda

BEEN sleep

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶🫶🫶

👾🫚🍀🔥❤️

I haven't talked to 

HEALER 

BUT 

I read his DMs

it's MORE disturbed 

that DUDE talked about you

EVERY DAY

MY WHOLE LIFE 

everything I

DID

was MEASURED against 

YOU

YOU don't KNOW 

HOW 

IMPORTANT 

our ethical talks

WERE to me

YOU 

made me feel HEARD 

I don't REMEMBER 

ETHICAL talks 

DID we?

I REMEMBER 

a FEW TIMES 

dad MADE him CALL me 

there was this ONE time -- maybe THIS is ethical 

he had a teacher 

who was an 

IDIOT 

& he was KINDA 

losing his sh*t 

OVER it

he was SUPPOSED to do a 

BOOK REPORT 

he created a book

ABOUT 

DOPPELGANGERS

he WROTE a 

REPORT 

ON

the created book

invented the references

WELL 

I MEAN 

you didn't DO a BOOK REPORT 

MAYBE you ALREADY KNOW 

HOW to do a book report 

you made ART 

BUT 

SHE SHOULD have 

CAUGHT it

THAT 

PROVES she's an

IDIOT 

well, maybe 

WHY 

do you NEED to 

PROVE 

she's an idiot 

you KNOW she's an idiot 

BUT 

she's ALSO 

NOT looking for 

book report on book that doesn't exist 

SHE'S looking for 

ERRORS

people are gonna be idiots sometimes 

you tell 'em they're idiots

you give 'em reasons 

they put it on

YOUR PERMANENT RECORD

THAT

makes EVERYONE from then on

NOT give you a FAIR 

ASSESSMENT 

SO

ya WANT to 

PICK your

BATTLES with THAT 

there's NO chance

IF

she CATCHES 

FAKE BOOK

there's NO WAY she

GETS 

I'm an IDIOT 

SHE'S 

NEVER gonna get THAT 

YOU DID 

MAKE

ART

& the DOPPELGANGERS thing

is cool and it SEEMS like 

you got AWAY with it

BUT 

I THINK 

JUST 

MAYBE 

DON'T, ya KNOW 

I ordered a 

didgeridoo 

I have always loved the sound

BUT 

I MEAN 

I never thought it was

REALISTIC 

BUT 

I found this little 

BOX

it's got the tubes inside 

made in the Netherlands 

NOT that EXPENSIVE 

I'm GOOD at that raspberry motor boat thing

I thought I could combine

MEDITATION 

learning circular breathing

& LEARNING an

INSTRUMENT

which seems to be considered 

a cultural appropriation

& WHATNOT 

BUT 

it's a 

BOX

EVEN 

if I played it 

in public 

WHO

is gonna 

CRY 

DIDGERIDOO 

I need to sleep 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶🫶🫶

👾🫚🍀🔥❤️

AND

I guess 

I THOUGHT 

ALL of THAT

was something that you could just intuit from all the transformation and healing talk

SO

MAYBE 

the

EMPRESS & DEATH 

is ABOUT

CONNECTING

in a MORE

MANIFESTED

WAY

I just fixated on the part

I didn't DO right

I guess 

I FEEL like 

she was supposed to be 

KINDA a "big sister" role model

type could be friend

&

rather than let it go

I wanted to

UNDERSTAND 

what the

WEIRD 

energy thing MEANT 

ALSO 

I think I had to catch up

I FEEL like 

I USED 

to process

MORE 

real-time 

BUT 

life changing 

ALSO

I hope you'll 

KNOW 

what I'm talking about 

BUT 

you

TRANSMOGRIFIED

SO

GOOD 

AND

the places

WERE

SO 

awesome 

I MEAN 

I'm so sad I missed duluth 

I love the

SONG SWAP

& the friends 

I FEEL like 

it was

STILL quite a journey for me

BUT 

SWEETHEART 

YOU are

MAGIC 

was THAT too

VAGUE 

YOU 

impressed me

you

INTRIGUED me

& THEN

your 

INTRIGUE

was

BETTER 

than I IMAGINED 

& I'm not sure 

THAT 

has EVER happened to me before 

BUT 

GENIUS 

overall 

LIKE 

totally

GENIUS 

your painting 

is beautiful 

& the expression 

& color work

IMPRESS me 

I am never sure if I really make clear

HOW much 

I love your artistic 

WORK 

or

the artistry of your

CREATIVE work

ACROSS genre

BUT 

I have been processing my 

EXPERIENCES

& there were 

a LOT 

of bits

that were

CHALLENGING in the MOMENT 

BUT 

EVERYTHING 

was

FUN

I had FUN

WOW 

I asked 

a third time

& it's 

the TOWER 

AGAIN

is it 

POSSIBLE 

that she was wanting 

YOU 

& I stepped on THAT 

I'm REACHING here

BUT 

I'm LIKE 

OK OK the TOWER

I GET it

BUT 

can you make that any 

CLEARER

& it gave me

the SUN 

& the knight of CUPS

I MEAN 

it's NOT really 

my business, I'm just trying to figure out 

IF I just didn't 

LIKE her

OR

if there was SOME 

MORE 

SUBTLE thing

I'm supposed to be 

GLEANING

I get STUCK on things 

I don't understand 

I want to 

UNDERSTAND 

& SOMETIMES 

that's not realistic 

I can tell you

that music teacher

she works with neurodivergent kids

all the time

did you SEE how she rescued ME 

& I personally think

SHE slightly 

STRONG ARMED

spit it out girl

into coming at ALL 

BECAUSE she believes in her

SO STRONGLY 

remodel guy

is a BETTER person 

in proximity to 

his MOTHER who

DID

SOMEHOW 

seem similar to me

although I 

can't explain 

HOW 

doug & Lisa

are BOTH fundamentally

KIND & insecure

french horn guy

I bet you

FIFTY BUCKS 

ends up

SURPRISING us SOMEHOW 

he's planned out a life

that WORKS on PAPER 

it's LOGICAL

& RESPONSIBLE 

& COVERS his ASS

BUT 

HE is QUIRKY 

& he's NOT 

PLANNING to actually 

LIVE

that life

this is the kinda stuff going on in the background 

I can't shut this off

I'm still trying to figure out 

if there's something to

LEARN

from my negative magnet with huddleston blues

I have this 

ONLINE 

TAROT 

it's not an app, it's old school online

which is TINY

& a pain in the ass to SEE

BUT 

SOMETIMES 

it WORKS 

BETTER 

& I ASKED 

& I got the

TOWER 

TWICE in a ROW 

SO

MAYBE 

she's going THROUGH some

internal restructuring 

that it would be 

BETTER 

for everybody 

if I didn't 

DIP

my ENERGY into?

I listened to a few more songs

& I'm NOT sure 

that the

TOO SIMILAR hypothesis 

HOLDS WATER

I fell asleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

🫶🫶🫶

👾🫚🍀🔥❤️

ya'll are

REALLY 

GOOD 

together 

I'm getting 

SOME

kind of vicarious

HEALING 

I didn't EXPECT THAT 

I hope ya'll

had a special day 

🫶🫶🫶

STILL haven't gotten to

RADIO SHACK 

BUT 

I'm not forgetting 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 🫶🫶🫶

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

I should sleep 🫶🫶🫶

👾🫚🍀🔥❤️

trudy askew -- lifeguard 

archway gallery 

I'm THINKING about 

the churango 

I LIKE 

that it SEEMS like 

you COULD 

PLAY

it

SIMILARLY to ukulele 

OR you COULD 

NOT 

BUT 

it's got 

MORE of that

RINGING -- droning -- DREAMY

SOUND

MAYBE 

it is REACHING TOO far 

BUT 

MAYBE if I got the WEIRD instrument 

BUT 

the extra strings 

I'm not YET sure

I can HANDLE the four

& I'm telling myself 

it's REALLY 

ONLY 

ONE

EXTRA 

because you PLAY the TWO as ONE

BUT 

MAYBE 

I'm just trying to be

EXTRA 

ALSO 

I'm not SURE that I generally 

LOVE andean music

would it be

DISRESPECTFUL 

ALSO 

You have the 

BEST

SMILE

I have this

LINE

STUCK in my HEAD 

god willing 

& the CREEK don't 

RISE

WHAT is THAT 

FROM 

ALSO 

that connors is

HAUNTING me

I am with my mom today 

I probably should respond to my brother at some point 

I KEEP getting 

the EMPRESS & DEATH

SO

I LOOKED at 

what OTHER people 

SAY it 

MEANS

AND

it all about

REBIRTH 

& TRANSFORMATION 

CREATIVE development 

BUT 

when I ASKED 

BEFORE 

I came home

what are my 

NEXT STEPS 

it gave me this

VERY OBVIOUS message 

that I'm not EXACTLY sure 

HOW to interpret 

it was

DICHOTOMY 

three of swords & three of cups

AND

three more of those

& I'm LIKE 

THIS 

has GOT to be 

SOMETHING like 

DECIDE what YOU want 

OR

SET the PARAMETERS for your WORLD

OR

ANYTHING you WANT 

OR

EVERYTHING is AVAILABLE to you 

OR

SOMETHING 

when I had ASKED the universe 

WHAT I NEEDED to KNOW 

& the gummy had just 

HIT

& I had this

NANOsecond of FEAR

& I was LIKE 

WOW 

I haven't had

ANY

trouble 

with these before 

& BEFORE 

ANY KIND of EXISTENTIAL DREAD 

could take hold

I GET 

YOU'VE COME THROUGH 

the SHAMANIC initiation process is 

OVER*

& he's NOT gonna STOP loving you

& I CRIED & CRIED

BUT 

in a GOOD 

WAY

*which I'm not trying to think is about you or us exactly, but maybe the whole going down underground and being torn apart and reFORMed -- if you follow 

SO

MAYBE 

DIRECTIONS say 

GO ANYWHERE 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶🫶🫶

👾🫚🍀🔥

I DREAMED 

I was on a couch 

I was 

YOUNGER

YOU 

looked like

BOBBY VEE

it was DARK though

& we

KISSED

it was different than the LAST time

I dreamed of 

KISSING you 

it wasn't 

the tentative 

WELL 

it was still a little tentative 

I guess 

BUT 

less TENTATIVE and 

MORE 

EXPLORATORY 

TONGUE TEXTURE 

ANGLES

BUT 

GOOD 

AND

there was

MORE 

KINDA 

everyday STUFF with

MOSTLY 

just existing in the

WORLD

differently

WHICH 

I can't 

EXPLAIN 

OR

remember DETAILS 

BUT 

it FELT 

important 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶🫶🫶

👾🫚🍀🔥

kitty seems to enjoy

UKULELE 

I played through all my chords again

& I'm pretty satisfied that 

it all hangs together 

as far as notes sounding ok together 

it's not a SONG YET though 

I've had a headache 

MAYBE I said 

I didn't play until my fingers hurt

I just ran through it all

a few times

I'm fixin to run through it AGAIN 

it'll change I'm sure

WHEN the lyrics make things more

OBVIOUS 

I'm not really sure 

I get melody

as it relates to

CHORDS

& lyrics 

& rhythm

SO

I'm probably going to watch more videos 

BUT 

I probably know more

than I THINK I do

I'm nodding off 

when I was a KID 

they USED to have

the old 

CLASSIC movies

on TV

&

I LOVED to

WATCH

those

& I WATCHED 

FRANKENSTEIN 

& DRACULA 

the mummy, creature from the black lagoon 

I MEAN 

ALL uh them

BUT 

at SOME point

VAMPIRES

became a 

SPECIAL interest

the FIRST regular 

GROWN up 

BOOK 

I read was 

INTERVIEW with the VAMPIRE 

BECAUSE 

I was a vampirophile

I HIGHLY identified with 

CLAUDIA 

the grown up

MIND

TRAPPED 

in the child's 

BODY

there's MORE 

BUT 

I believe 

THAT

answers the primary questions

YOU MIGHT 

generally

have

&

I'll go into my

LOVE for them*

*in a VERY specific subset

LATER 

the MOVIE 

I didn't 

LEAVE 

because it KINDA 

SNUCK UP on me

was

POLTERGEIST 

it SEEMED fine

we were WATCHING it

I wasn't having a 

PROBLEM 

& THEN

there was a SCENE that 

I completely 

BLOCKED OUT 

BUT 

I watched it again 

LATER 

to FIND OUT

the skeletons

are coming up in the SWIMMING POOL 

& SOMETHING about 

THAT

MADE ME

LIKE

HYSTERICAL 

KEENING

SEMI SHOCK

& my aunt joan 

turned to

sunrise and SAID 

TAKE her OUT of HERE

& my cousin*

*who is five years younger than me 

SAID 

NO

it is MORE FUN to 

WATCH HER

than the

MOVIE 

SO

no one took me OUT 

THEY JUST 

WATCHED

ME

I ALSO 

had to leave the theater 

for JURASSIC PARK

BUT 

THEY left TOO 

because it was pretty EARLY on in the FILM

& I made it CLEAR 

I WASN'T 

COMING 

BACK

the THING that 

TRIGGERED me was

the dinosaur*

*and I had loved dinosaurs since I was a kid

had the KIDS in the CAR

& was doing a

CAT & MOUSE thing

I can't HANDLE 

JUMP SCARES 

CAT & MOUSE

ANYTHING where

PIECES of people are being 

CUT OFF

gratuitous CRUELTY 

OR

ANYTHING that is gonna

GET into my 

SUBCONSCIOUS 

& SPROUT 

into

HORRIFIC sh*t

which covers A LOT of GROUND 

NOT JUST 

HORROR 

in 1984 I went to see 

GREMLINS 

with my aunt joan & cousin sunrise 

AND

I had to leave the theater for a while

the part where they are

LOOKING through 

the house

& you

KNOW 

sh*t is gonna

JUMP SCARE ya

I have an OVER ACTIVATED

NERVOUS SYSTEM 

I'm LIKE 

I'll go wait in the lobby

til THIS is 

OVER

THEN

I was SUPER embarrassed 

BECAUSE 

they invented a new 

CATEGORY 

PG-13

too INTENSE for 

"YOUNGER AUDIENCES"

I was SEVENTEEN 

ALSO

horror movies 

is not a short answer question 

I have an unsurprisingly

NON-standard

THING

I bought a 

CLUB 

from that 

old GUY 

&

I just describe him

LIKE that

because 

THAT is basically 

HOW 

HE described himself 

I really like it 

I just got one

he had me adjust 

WHERE I was

GRIPPING it

BUT 

APPARENTLY 

my FORM was

instinctual

the kettlebells aren't it

IDK WHY 

I cannot get into them

I really liked him

I was afraid that I would feel 

COMPELLED 

to do it outside 

BUT 

I got room

as long as I don't lose my grip

if it goes flying 

it'll f*CK sh*t UP