good morning sweetheart
it's been a crazy morning already
hope yours is splendorific

I did a lot of laundry today
I feel like I haven't done more than
emergency laundry
for like two months
and
I'm not gonna lie
there's still laundry to be done
I've acquired more clothes
in the last couple of years
than I've probably ever had before
mostly thrifting
or sort of thrifting
eBay, poshmark
but
some clearance shopping too
I've been trying to figure out
what is my style now
and
I'm still not sure
but
probably
I'll have to sell
or trade
or donate
some of these clothes
if I can figure out who I am now
I feel like
my face looks fatter
but
some of these pants
seem too big
sloppy
and
they didn't seem that way when I got em
so
I'm not really sure what's going on


I love you sweetheart
I'm going to bed now


can you believe 2018 is almost over
24 months of Tr*~p
and none of that stuff happened
but some other stuff has
(sorry, I don't want to have people find this with his name-- not trying to get that)
can't believe it's still going on
hope it's half over
at least




I thought about getting champagne for new year's eve
but
I think I'm just gonna do margaritas
I like em better
and
I'm not sure what I'm toasting


I'm hoping
things will get better, though
I want things to get better


I haven't been on master class
and they're nagging me on email
I don't like it


not as much as I dislike
eBay or detox market
sending me emails about things
at which I have simply looked
but not
I repeat not
even put in my cart
I looked it it
decided I wasn't interested
never put it on a wish list or watched it
or anything
and then
I get an email that it's ending soon
or almost out of stock
or waiting for me
I really hate
pushy bots

fell asleep in chair
margarita melted
😢
I love you sweetheart

I love you sweetheart
I'm going to bed now
I really should not go down internet rabbit holes and stay up late
I didn't even watch masterclass

i went to dinner with my mom
probably not gonna get to mamet
i am going to watch at least one lesson with
margaret atwood
because it's like a bedtime story
i've been missing it all day
that thing she does with her face
it looks kinda like she's laughing
but there is a little irony
and maybe
just a little
wicked glee

it's kind of addictive

anyway
my mother is reading
i can't remember what she called it
real
not genre fiction (i think)
i'm like
you mean like literary fiction
yes
she says

and
i think
she says
you could write that
with the way you string your words together
but
i say
that is what i have always wanted to write
and you always said that was bad and i should write bestsellers

well
apparently
she has discovered that you win money for literary prizes
and now
you will never believe this

i'm expected to win the nobel prize for literature
uh huh
i mean, it's like a lifetime award
i'm two weeks shy of 52 and i've had nothing published
managed expectations, jeez

anyway
whatever


i love you sweetheart

ok
so 5 lessons of Atwood (well, really 6 because I watched one out of order)
5 chapters of Dan Brown
next
I think I'll watch 5 lessons of David Mamet
but
tomorrow
now I gotta go to bed


I love you sweetheart

dan brown

1) give the reader what they want
in a way they don't see coming


2) what is the world my story inhabits


3) what is this book about


4) what is the moral ambiguity question that is central to the story


5) what is the tension inherent to the world


6) what happens is not important HOW is


[I'm not sure I agree with these points completely, but they are different from what my focus has been]


7) location is a character &/or an inspiration
8) but don't get all tied up in location because people care more about people than places
[this seems like not something I needed to know at all]
9) heroes & villains [I don't think I have a villain and he thinks that's the most important] villain is the catalyst for everything-- I guess that makes you the villain of my thriller 😊

I've watched 6 lessons
I am enjoying it
it's not, so far, telling me
anything I don't know


so
I'm also now watching Dan Brown
I don't think he's a particularly good writer
but
I think some of the problems
I've had with structuring
might be helped
by information
on structuring a thriller
maybe not
but
I have all access
so nothing to lose
yay
but
I really need to go to bed
so
not too many lessons

i did something i'm kinda excited about

you know that masterclass thing
well
i keep looking at it
and i keep saying:  nah, it's too expensive
cause i think it was $90 a class or something
and
i just didn't see a class i needed, ya know
anyway
then on facebook i got an ad in my feed
and it had this video

and

i was like

ok, ya got me. i might need this

and then i read further and found out

special christmas special--

buy one complete access to all their courses for a year $180, and

get one free to give as a gift

ok

i'm not sure how i could be expected to pass that up

i'm gonna give the gift one to my mom

today is the last day

and

they have serena teaching tennis, just sayin

but

i think the universewas tellin me it was time

I stayed up late
and when I woke up
I had a bad headache
so I set the alarm for an hour later
and went back to bed
but
I slept through that alarm
so I'm up now
still with a headache
but
I had a bad dream too


I dreamed
this guy was looking for these old
computer programming books
and YAY we had them
but them he was mad we sell them as a set
and they weren't discounted enough
these had old bookstop stickers on them
you knew I worked there, right
so they were discounted
10% or 15%
whatever it was
I don't remember
maybe it was more
maybe it was 20% and bestsellers were 30%
whatever
he felt like they shoulda been less
and the stickers were all faded
so
I was having trouble
looking them up
to tell him the price


he kept trying to explain
what these books were about
and context and history
but
I didn't care
I was just trying to get him outta there
I had shit to do


he could get it cheaper at Costco
he said
then buy it at Costco
I said
they don't have it
he said
I don't set the prices
I said
they are a discount club
we are a store
it's not the same situation


and it was that awkward point
where we want to leave
and there's nothing else to say
but
it feels rude to walk away
because of there expectant body language
but then
if you stay
that just makes them think
there's a chance
and they double down


and people had taken back
cases and cases of wines
but they had just put them
like, wherever
the shelving
which looked so much better than what I actually have
had milk crates (I guess we had to get Starbucks in there somehow)
filled with wine bottles
on their sided
filled with whole cases
or mixed cases
just sitting on whatever shelf had space for it
regardless of whether
that made any sense


and
I was debating whether I should move the two racks closer together
because the Christmas stuff between them sold
but
I was going to have to do a new set for new years
that would only be up a week


honestly
I kinda wish I hadn't gone back to bed


also
my auto correct is doing bizarre stuff
it changes would to soul
which it's been doing for a while
but I think there were a bunch of new ones here
I tried to catch them
but
I prolly didn't and I'm not checking this now
so
sorry if there's somethin crazy
hopefully
context wins out


love you sweetheart

look at this

ok
I had fallen asleep in the chair
pretty seriously
because it was 3 when I woke up and went to bed
but
now I am up


ouch


I'm sorry
I know that's not sexy
and maybe
what I'm supposed to be is sexy
I don't know what to do about that


I love you
more later
after coffee

I decided
I'm not going in early
9hrs is enough
we'll already be open
I won't get my stuff done
I'll just work longer
it's not worth it


and
you will hear from me tomorrow
just not everybody else


I hurt physically
even though I took the 2hr bath
and
I am full of snot
I'm not a pretty picture
I just got out of bed
and
I already want margaritas


one
more
day

goodnight sweetheart
I'm going to bed
I've been falling asleep in the chair
all day
except when I took the two hour bath
I can't keep my eyes open
I guess I'm going in early
but
he has me scheduled
9-6
already
and
I can't do more than 10hrs
I used to could
but now no
so
I guess I'm going at 8
and we open at 7
so I'm not sure if there's any point
but
there was 40% off minis sale today
and i expect it to be tore up pretty bad


and
I haven't made any sort of plans
with my mother
so
imma have to call her
I can not deal
cannot have dinner with her tomorrow
as is our tradition
and
Xmas is for me
no going anywhere
no friends
no family
just rest
so
I don't know how that's all gonna pan out
I got her a set of dishes
she rarely likes what I get her
but
I think
she's gonna like these
I hope


I will see you in the morning
I love you

ok
well
I think I said no more than 3 hours of work
and it was 4
so
that's pretty good for me
did I tell you I got up at 3
it's absolutely beautiful weather
sunny
breezy
about 60 degrees
and it's early
I should go fo something outside
but
probably
not


love you
hope it's pretty where you are

ok
I got up at 3
so I wouldn't be 7 minutes late
which I was again yesterday
and
I'm about to leave for work
it opens at 8 now
because
I guess
people love to get up at the
butt crack of dawn
to shop
so
two uninterrupted hours
and then
they can't buy alcohol
and I'm not technically working
so hopefully
I cannot be expected to run a register
and
I have no set time
so
when I'm done
I'm done
and
almost all the wine is out
it's just messy
so
hopefully no more than three hours

I hope you're doing well
I'm so so tired
but
what do we say


three
more
days


I love you sweetheart

I should have gone to bed
an hour ago
but
I just had a bunch of fun
I looked on juvia's place
online
I bought the ones I have at ulta
but
online at juvia's place
they're having an end of year sale
50% off
so an eyeshadow palette
that would normally be $40
but at jp is normally $20
is now $10
so I bought more
I may end up depotting them
and just putting
the few I actually use in some kind of palette
although
idk
I might not be able to pull that off
w/o destroying everything
I am very excited
hopefully
they are great
but
the ones I have are really really good
and, anyway


three more days
daze


gotta go to bed
sleep fast
going in at 7 again


love you very much sweetheart
goodnight

the margaritas are coming fast and furious
but
I'm still falling asleep in the chair
I've gotta sleep fast
and get up
at like 4:30
because I'm going in early
to try to get some work done
before the full shift of register
or
maybe it won't be a full shift
more people are scheduled
and
probably no more that 50 cases
coming in
and
he didn't schedule me to work Sunday
which is like a minor miracle
since it is right before Xmas
but
I'm going in
hella early
to get stuff restocked
and
upstocked
and
less looking like a bomb went off 💣
but
I won't have to work a full day register shift
I'm lucky I can still get around 🍀
I'm not doin as well as I feel I should be
but
I'm not taking any supplements either
so
ya know
I'm slow and ache-y when au naturale


anyway
off to bed
I love you sweetheart
four
more
days

good morning sweetheart
I'm running a little rushed
I over slept a bit
good thing there's a hungry kitty
to act as backup alarm clock
have a good day
5 more days

goodnight sweetheart
I stayed up too late again
I gotta go to bed
I love you

i fell asleep in the chair

and i kept almost waking up
and falling back asleep in the chair
i dreamed

about a vampire king
and the day he saw the five women walking through the courtyard
in nothing but blue towels
as foretold
and


i'm losing it

something about makeup

something about a cafe in a small town

but
something else significant
and
i just can't remember

i gotta get up in a few hours
i got chores to do

i love you sweetheart                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

good morning sweetheart
not quite 100 cases coming in today
more like 70
still tired though


hope your day is awesome

goodnight sweetheart
I love you
I have to go to bed
I stayed up too late again

coming in early again
good morning sweetheart

ok
so margaritas for dinner
and
maybe
baby cobra
if it's still available
that made me laugh so hard
 I think
I almost pee'd myself

goodnight sweetheart
I love you

Aaaaaaacccccckkkkk!!!!!


that's all I got
I'm stressed
and exhausted
and my Achilles tendon hurts
and i dont know why
but
I'm limping
and that's not making anything better
I dreamed about a pool
but
it was at dennis' house
and
I kept having stuff I needed to do
and
maybe something about a string
the weather is doing roller coasters again
and I just want off
I can't even tell you what I did yesterday
not laundry
I'm wearing a fucking thong
a thong
not mailing Xmas presents
or wrapping them
I still have to do that
and people calling out
and
just
Aaaaaccccckkkkk!!!!!

fell asleep in chair
love you
night-night

i stayed up too late again
and
i got a cat hair or something in my eye
it is very irritated
that rarely happens
it looks really irritated
like there's thick clear eye goo
and it feels much better since that formed
but it looks worse
i can see ok
i sort of panic about my eyes
i worry
they seem fragile to me
i mean they are fragile
but
eyes are not a walk it off thing
ya know

whatever blah blah

i love you sweetheart
imma go to bed now
meet me in dreamland

i love you

so, i bought myself a holly daze present

or rather
it's actually 4 things
but
it's ordered from one place
so i'm considering it one gift, ya know

idk if you realize how much i like makeup brushes
much more than i like makeup, actually
and
i don;t really need any more
but i want them
i watch the fude girl's videos
and, i mean they are kinda slow paced and slightly awkward
not, maybe, the type of thing you'd think i'd watch
but i actually really like them and find them super interesting
so
as a consequence
i have been wanting some koyomo brushes for a while now
but, also
blah blah whole bunch of variables
so rather than trying to reconstruct my search through cdjapan website
i will just show you what i ordered

very excited

this is the first and most important
it is the same shape as the suqqu m brush knock off which i bought on ebay
for some ridiculously cheap price
it's from china
but
i find that i'm using that almost exclusively for eyeshadow

this is the second most important, it is the shape of my chikuhodo T7
which is the brush i like the best for blending out edges
i can apply shadow with it
technically you could do everything with it except line, i guess
but i don't
i only like it for blending out
but i really really like it for that

those two i picked pretty fast
but
i wasn't stopping there
they have a blush and a powder in that same series
but
i don't like goat just especially for those things
i have a synthetic brush i use for blush
it's the only one i currently use
and i went through a bunch of different sizes and shapes
getting one i liked
i ordered it last year
black friday from the body shop
here,since i talked about it
and
for powder
i usually wear mineral powder
and i have a synthetic brush i use for that too
this one here

so
why the need for real hair eye shadow brushes
idk
they just work better for eye shadow

so
i had to think about what would be most useful
and what was most beautiful
and what i wanted to experiment with
and, let me just say
it's not the most user friendly website

not all the brushes i want are available through cdjapan
the three brush i want is not
and there's another one i pinned in face paintings that is not available
well, it is
and so is the suqqu m
but only "by proxy"
and that seems dubious and takes like 6 weeks
besides, too much money
so
i looked around
and i decided on this one to fill that role
i'm not really familiar with this brand
and i'm uncertain whether i think they look cool
or lurid
but the brush is squirrel and sable
and i think i'm gonna love that combination

so
i said
you can get one more
they are pretty good prices on the brushes
the shipping brings it up, some, but still

i had another pinned brush that they had still
but
i found it was in competition with two other brushes
it is made of horse and wooded handled
like it matches (kinda) the blush brush
but
then there was a pony
same color pink as the first two
but different ferrule
or
there was one the same brand as the last one
they were all similar shape
pony and horse might technically be the same material
and this last one is goat
but
slightly more exciting shape
and
really good reviews
and
i was very attracted to it
and two matching brushes seemed
sexier than just the one, which seemed to push it closer to lurid
so i broke down and got this one

i know this is unlikely to be very interesting to you
but
i spent multiple hours on this hunt
and i am super excited to get them
i love presents

it's not a hanukkah present
or a christmas present
it's specifically a holly daze present
because i am feeling
just on the edge
of bah humbug
and i gotta pull out of the spin before it goes there

i'm getting hungry
and i need to go to sleep soon
i think i'm gonna eat my leftover mu shu tofu
and
some ice cream
and call it a night

ok
I've been done about 30 minutes
but
I had to sit down
now
I kinda want breakfast
or
maybe lunch
gotta think about it

alright 5:13
and
to clarify
I didn't tell him I'll be in whenever
I just said
oh, I don't think I can make it by 6
and then didn't specify a time


the reason I'm so wrecked
is
they instituted a new receiving
where ya gotta scan everything
and
the bar codes on the boxes
are supposed to work
but they mostly don't
so
ya gotta open most of the boxes
and scan a bottle
but
of course they're stacked
so ya gotta unstack em
at 40 pounds a box
120 boxes
that's a lotta lifting
before you've put anything away

I love you sweetheart
I'm just having
kinda a rough life right now
I have to go in tomorrow
for a little bit
because
there's a big sale
and Dennis
doesn't understand
that
I've pretty much done it already
he's all like
I'll be here at 6
fucking good for you man
I am not getting up at
3:30 on my day off
and
I move so slow in the morning
that that's pretty much what it comes to
so
imma get up
at 4:30/5
and I'll get there when I can
might be 6
might be 7
might be fucking 8
whatever
I want to be a team player
but
fuck
fuck
my back hurts
I want
I want
I want


good touch


goodnight sweetheart
I love you

goodnight sweetheart
I stayed up too late again
I love you

i stayed up too late
i have to go to bed now
i love you sweetheart

ok
I'm awake
but
that's all
I feel like I've been beaten
and
I have a headache
😢


I was looking back
and
I'm sorry that video was so long
I thought it was about 15 minutes
but
it was actually 45
I guess that's a testament to how interesting I found it
nothing there you need to see


hope your day is going well
I might need to take another
Epsom bath
I really don't want to
but
everything hurts


I love you sweetheart

i said the other day
but
really i think it was this morning
it's nice to think god supports whatever i want to do

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

i stumbled across some videos
and
they aren't appropriate to our conversation
but
they made me remember some things
that i don't think i've told you


i had this fascination with the idea
of being a nun

i'm not into the jesus idea
and
maybe ultimately
that's the thing that put me off it

the idea of spending my day in prayer
of dedicating my life to god

those things were appealing
but
nuns--  or at least so i thought
spent their days working
monks seemed to have the really good life
brewing trappist ales
raising bees
cloistering from the world
those things seem good

of course
you don't really choose who you live with
and
how much time do you get alone
plus
you gotta cut off your hair
and you can't have any stuff

there were too many cons to really consider it
even apart from the jesus thing
which
i guess
really has to be a deal breaker

but
there are some convents or monasteries
where you can stay
like renting a room
like travel, i guess
and
i've always thought it would be fun to do that
and earlier version of the trailer in the desert--  writing


i asked god the other day
i had the tarot cards
and i'm like
look
i'm always asking you things
and i don't think i'm asking the right questions
so please
just tell me what you want me to know

and the nine of cups is what came back
the wish card

you will be happy
it seemed to say
that was what i wanted to be when i grew up--  happy
and
i've never quite managed it
i would not say i have ever been happy
i mean
you know, like momentarily, yes
but like
my life is happy
no, never


i almost held my breath and looked at the next card
ace of pentacles

new life

was both specific and vague

i support you, foundationally
do it
live it
be it

i support you

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

I think I've mentioned before
that I'm geographically dislexic
so
it took me like 40 minutes
 to find the fuckin dps
and then
I couldn't go out the same way I came in
so now
it's been an hour and a half
trying to find my way home
I toured oak Forrest
and the sketchier part of
spring branch
then
spring valley
memorial
tanglewood
and finally home
"uptown" galleria area
quite a journey
I must say
now
I'm done
stick a fork in me
I'm eating Mexican food
for emotional strength
😊 🍴

ok
so
done with that
and all proving I'm a citizen
and such
and
I didn't know to be grateful
for my last picture
but
this one doesn't really look like me
I wish I could get a do over
I look hideous
but
oh well
nobody really looks at drivers license pictures
right?!
but
I'm a little demoralized
about the passport
I may quit this for the day

I'm finished with box
now at DPS
figured I'd just do as much
suck stuff as I can
getting passport pictures next
don't think I'll have time
to get social security card replaced
or make an appointment to
renew expired passport
but
that's gotta be done too
sigh 

I'm going to bed
you are so beautiful

i love you
i hope you're having fun tonight
i wish i could be with you
i'm not sure if you thought i might be
or not

i haven't forgotten that i'm writing you something
i had a dream
that made me want to do something inspired by it
but
it was all hallucinogenic
so

i can't really describe the dream


i have to do that safety deposit box tomorrow
that's the day i have to do it
and since dennis gave me monday off
he asked me
to work at the heights today
because they have a ton of wine
in the back
that isn't even represented out front
and
omg
i am really really sore
i took like a three hour bath
i've only got like 90 pages left of that book
i did tell you i read slow



you might think
idk
that i'm difficult
and i mean, i kinda am
but not with you baby
i try
i've tried really hard
for a long time
and i hope you're not gonna quit me
i think you know
but
in case you don't
you are very precious in my heart


i'm up for some quantum entanglement if you are
i'll be asleep until 5:30a

goodnight sweetheart
i love you

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

I love you sweetheart
hope your day is going well
tarot cards say
you're feeling 5 of wands-y about me
like 2 times in a row
not really sure if I should be worried
it can mean strife
or
it can mean competition
I'm gonna interpret it
in a good way
so
if you're mad at me
you'll have to let me know so

i was seduced

ok
that's like a click-bait title
but it's not entirely untrue

i didn't feel emotionally strong enough to go to work
which, of course, didn't stop me from going

and then
when i went to pee at work
there was a tinge of red
and i'm like
seriously

because
of course
it's not like i have supplies
and i'm wearing pink pants
ok
not actually pink
but rose-brown
which is essentially, dark pink

and
i needed something
and then
when i looked at my 150 new emails on my phone
not really
but it's starting to feel that way--  "cyber week"

i got an email from detox market
which i normally ignore
because they are just a bit much
it's not worth explaining here, but maybe you know what i mean

they had new products
and the very first one contained the word noni
i think maybe they had me at noni
but
it's an eye oil
that rolls on
and the roller ball is rose quartz
it's from australia

look

it wasn't super expensive

in fact for all that

it seemed pretty reasonable

good morning sweetheart
I love you
I hope
everything is going really well
that it's beautiful where you are
I'm sorry if I haven't been
super fun
I felt like
the fact that I was writing
was
an improvement
but
I don't really seem to be out of my funk


have a beautiful day
I'll try to check in
with positive thoughts
later in the day

we had an official visit today
so
I had to come in at 7am
everything went well
it seems
they want yo reduce my dept
even further
sigh

i can't believe i just watched this

ok

this is not my usual post

i saw a pop up ad for tree free toilet paper

i got excited

it was on a monthly delivery service

that seemed cool

but

i have pretty specific criteria for toilet paper

so i did

what i am now shaking my head about

i looked for toilet paper reviews on youtube

yes

i did that

and

apparently

i'm sharing

lucky you

i may have nightmares from this video

well, probably not

but the pudding thing was pretty bad

definitely worse than the

squatty potty soft serve unicorn rainbow poo

or

the charmin shiny hiney song radio ad

or

the poo pouri commercial where she's over for holiday dinner

i have found all of these

not offensive, exactly

but an offense to my sensibilities

i don't like hearing about shitting, apparently

but

toilet paper

seemed less dangerous

and review seemed like, safe somehow

and it was fine and great--  except the pudding part

yeesh

and

so

i'm gonna tell you something

random

that you didn't need to know about me

i have two rules for toilet paper

i don't really care if it's soft

i mean

all things being equal

i'd prefer soft

but

all things are not equal

soft is definitely correlated with my two deal breaking nos

i do not

want the toilet paper to fall apart

i want to be able to trust

with some reasonable amount of sheets

that my finger will not go through the toilet paper

that's #2, actually

#1

i do not want little fibers

bits of toilet paper

toilet paper lint

i can't stand that

so

i typically go with the 1000 sheet kind

because it does not leave lint

but i have been buying

a store brand

for years

that is similar to 1000 sheet

except two ply

with some texture

which

i actively loved

but now

they've changed it

it's softer

and

i hate it now--  lint

my father had two tattoos

today is my father's birthday
i realized that
at some point today
when i had to know the date
and

i thought about it
a little
but
strangely
not
like i thought about him
more like
i thought about how
i was not going to let it freak me out
that it was his birthday

he would have been 81

which means he had just turned 30 when i was born, right

that's just crazy

i think you overheard me talking to him on the phone once
he had just turned 70
and i was asking him if he had ever thought he'd live to be that old
it wasn't a health related question
it was
something that seemed natural for me to ask him
a perpetual child at heart

he started loosing his hair somewhere around the time i was born
and
he was very vain about it
it really bothered him
he wore all sorts of hats
although
usually nautically themed

and then
one day
when he was separated from deborah
one time

he shaved it all off
and came around beating on gran gran's door
i didn't recognize him
and
none of us had known where he was
he turned out to have rented an apartment
a block away
this little tucked away place that looked like a tiny motel

he was full of the flamboyancy of it
he looked like yul brynner
we all seem to look like movie stars somehow
he seemed crazy
dangerous
maybe he was drunk
but it didn't seem that way
and

he had a scar on his forehead
it was weird
he'd always had a bump
and now it was flat
and he had a scar
that looked just like my exact-o knife "pbs whittling" scar
which you really can't see anymore on my left hand

what happened there
i ask, pointing to his forehead

oh, that
he says
it always bothered me
i decided to get rid of it

he had "lanced it" with a razor blade
and squeezed out the cyst {or whatever it was}
he demonstrated the squeezing

it was like the void of something
much less natural than the bump
vaguely manson-esque
now, i'm being melodramatic, but still

he looked good
he did
in terms of attractiveness
he seemed freed from the heavy weight of the baldness
not with an if you can't beat em join em kind of thing
but rather with the full-on masculine bravado of a new look

i was afraid of him, a little


i've always wanted a tattoo
did you know that

my father had two tattoos
one on his upper arm
he had gotten it as soon as he was old enough to do that sort of thing
so 21, maybe
his parents had deeply disapproved i'm sure
but
he had probably done it for that reason
plus
it's what he would do, obvi

that's one of the lessons he gave me in cool
when i was maybe 6
whenever you're going to do something
think
is that what she would do
{because i'm a girl, obvi}

now i assumed
this she person
was the character i was designing for myself
because it never ever would have occurred to me
that it would be cool to model yourself on anyone else
but
that may just be the only proof we need
that i was way cooler than my dad, naturally

the tattoo on his upper arm
was a hot stuff devil with his initials B.B.
and
the other was a really beautiful centaur
with a bow and arrow
Sagittarius

i was fascinated with the way it didn't look like a tattoo
it blended in with his perpetual tan
so well
it looked like it was naturally occurring
at least to me
it did

i always intended to get one
but i was never sure
what i'd want to look at forever
i decided i'd wait

and
i guess i'm still waiting





if you go here
go to page 61
this is the thing i have seriously thought about
for about the last 10 years
this image
what her interpretation of the card says
it resonates with me

good morning sweetheart
I have a headache
and
I think it's the weather
it's 45 now
and really nice
but somethin must be blowing in
because Friday they expect it to be 80
I'm not a fan of
all the change-y change weather
it gives me headaches
only since 98, though
so
maybe it's a combination
of weather change
and
air quality
or
age
or
both


I have big orders coming in today
but
I should have help
and coverage
so
hopefully
no problem
still have a bad cough


hope your day
is
awesome sauce
💋

I stayed up later than I should have


I love you sweetheart
I gotta go to bed

i had very strange dreams and i was going to write about them

but then i didn'tseemto be able to make myself
i still do not feel well
and
i'm sort of confused
and
maybe paranoid
and
anyway unsettled

the dreams were all full of my aunt joan
and
t-shirts
and how i seem like a loser but i'm really saving the world

it's just nobody can tell

and i just want to ask you questions
but
i can't

hopefully
i'll have better dreams
and then i'll feel like i can say something


i love you very much
i'm going to sleep

send me thoughts if you can
about what you'd like to read
and i'll try to get out of my funk, i promise

goodnight sweetheart

very complicated dream
may only remember
the one before I woke up
but
I was going to someone's wedding
like undercover
they were rich
but my mother
not who wasn't my actual mother
she was rich too
giant mansion
stacks of cash
very strange

i had
really crazy dreams
but they were all pretty sexual
i'm not sure what's up with that
maybe you're sending that energy my way
i felt better today
and
i got some of my actual work done

i would like you to send me dreams again tonight

i'm going to bed in a few minutes
and i'm getting up at 5:00

maybe i can write you something about the dreams
from last night
and
tonight
if those are good

i'm super tired
and
very dehydrated
and
maybe
maybe i just have to sleep more
to keep my immune system working
at least until my body gets over the stress of transforming
into whatever it's going to be next
crone
witch
gilamonster

goodnight
i love you very much sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart
I'm going to bed now
gotta get up early
working black Friday
feeling much better
I love you very much

I love you sweetheart
kitty's happy now
but
he was very unhappy
when I woke up at 3am to pee
and started to go to back bed without feeding him
7 hours is long enough to go without food mommy
wtf
so I got up and fed him
when I woke up
I had flailed around
kicked all the blankets off
and was at a weird sideways angle
he
and his fake sheepskin polar fleece blanket
were within an inch of falling off the bed
and
he was curled up
happy as a clam

after falling asleep sitting upright in the chair several times
I'm giving up the ghost
and taking myself to bed
I love you very much sweetheart
the cat
is very disgruntley
he doesn't like this shocking


word that I can't quite access
but like wrenching break meets topsy turvey-ifying disregard for his schedule
he is not pleased
sigh


goodnight sweetheart

well
I must look as bad as I feel
because he sent me home

after I posted last
I fell asleep
so I didn't read any more
I woke up twice and forced fluids
I don't feel well today either
but
I told him yesterday
I'd be there for sure today
so
I guess I'm going
but
I'd say the most likely scenario
is I pass out when I get home
so
I can't promise anything about tonight
maybe I will get there
and he will take one look at me
and say
omg leave before you contagion the rest of the staff
I will run away so fast if he says that
but
idk
I think it's unlikely
I'm about the fourth or fifth person to get this
so
I think the contagion is loose
I hate being sick
I hate it
that's part of why I hate this menopause shit
I mean if it was just hot flashes and mood swings like they tell you
but no
I was feeling sick for a long time
before I got this
and weird symptoms
bein a girl
you can keep it
it sucks


anyway
sorry
hope your day is better
love you sweetheart

I think you remember I bought
the Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society
and
I started it
but
I wasn't getting into it
so it was consigned to bath reading
which means I wasn't reading it
but
when I took the 2 hr bath
I started warming up to it
and now
it's sickbed reading too
so I may finish today
or, anyway, soon


I think I told you I read really slowly
comparatively
and my mother always wanted to send me to speed reading classes
but
I wouldn't let her
I want to read slow

I'm not going to go to work today
I woke up in the night
almost voiceless
I gargled with some
water with 3 drops of clove bud oil
and it was much better when I woke up
but
still
if I work today
that greatly decreases the chances
of Wednesday and Friday
which are busier days
I do not believe that skipping yesterday
would have solved anything
plus I had shit I had to do
illness seems to progress in me in a certain pattern
and it's not
get a bunch of rest
when you first get sick
and it goes right away
not that


anyway
good morning sweetheart

ok
I stayed up later than I should have
but
I'm now taking Nyquil
and going to bed


I love you sweetheart

sick
still alive
I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I think I might be legit catching cold
I took Nyquil
I'm going to bed
I love you

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much
I'm going to bed now
💋

I dreamed
we we young
sitting on a sectional sofa
talking
and smoking pot
I was sitting sideways
like almost falling off the sofa
it was pretty low key


then
this morning
I feel pretty good
no specific pain
almost no headache
and
pretty good attitude


so
I say keep that shit up
peace
💋 💋

FUNFUNFUN
that's what's happening here today
friends and neighbors
right here in retail city
AAAAKKKK

goodnight sweetheart
💋

I am feeling loser-y
I have a safety deposit box
that I haven't been in for idk
15 years at least
I kinda forgot about it
and they're closing the branch
so I have to close it out
except I dont have the key
haven't seen it since the fire
so now I have to take off work
and come in to get it drilled
I'm like
I don't think there's anything
all that important
could I sign something
and you send it to me certified mail
no
I gotta come in
😢

I turned the heater on
and took an epsom salts bath
for almost two hours
unheard of


but
blah blah personal care
I love you 💋

actually
it's so cold here
I'm not asleep yet
I'm running the heater
to get the temp back up
but
I don't want to sleep with it on
so I'm just kinda waiting around
worried by the initial burning smell
because there was that fire
that was because there was gonna be
a "hard freeze" of 34 degrees
and the apartment didn't want
the pipes to burst
so
they told everyone
to set the heater
but
a neighbor was out of town
and the heater caught on fire
that was why there was the fire


so PTSD
and it was stupid
even if it got to 27 degrees
how long would it be that cold


it's taken days of cold weather
for my apartment to get to 60
it's 34 degrees now
and I'm freezing
but
the thermostat says like 58
I just want it a little warmer
then I'll be ok under the blankets


my head hurts
I'm falling apart
but
I wish I could hold you under the blankets


I love you sweetheart
almost warm enough
nothing is burning down
got stuff to do tomorrow
I'll try to be more talkative
💋

goodnight sweetheart
i'm going to bed now
i love you very much
💋

ok
so I feel a little better
now that I've been up a while
but
still pretty bad
I just wish I knew
if this is actual sickness
or
some wacky hormonal thing
or
allergy
or
wtf
we've got a little more labor today
so hopefully it'll be ok
but
I'm pretty sure I've got a ton coming in
and no energy to deal with it


I love you sweetheart
I hope your day is going better than mine
💋

ok
I slept 10 hours
but
I feel like I maybe slept 3
wtf
I dreamed
that my mom said hey lets go here
and proceeded to scamper
across a large yard
with so much shit
first cat then dog
then maybe human
that you could barely walk across it
into an already in progress church ceremony
she shoved a tabouli sandwich into my hand
I grabbed a bible
kicked off my shoes
curled up in the double wide
padded pew chairs


I never understand this, I said
I've tried a bunch of times
I said
looking at a list of places
where things you got from the church
could be returned
after they were worn out
except
a bunch of them had stickers
noting that it was closed down


it was weird

I feel kinda
pass-out-y
so
I'm goin to bed
I love you
and I'm sorry I can't stay up
and play

sadly
I can't remember what I dreamed
I love you sweetheart
have a beautiful day

fell asleep in chair


love you

i'm exhausted and i have a headache
i have to go to bed
i love you sweetheart

meet me in dreamland if you can
i'll be by the campfire

I'm not sure what this says about me
but
when I'm having a discussion with the cat
I talk to him like
he understands English 100%
and can followed reasoned arguments
when I just a few minutes ago
was discussing whether he'd like breakfast
this is what I said:


kitty
would you like some breakfasses


and
I say most things twice
this is my version of baby talk
cutesified language
and repetition


doesn't seem appropriate
does it


good morning sweetheart

i have to go to bed
i ate like a huge quantity of christmas cookie blue bell ice cream
rather than drinking margaritas
i have to get up early
and go in on my day off for two hours
to put up the new signage

i don't feel that good about how things are gonna go down

i don't know if i'll be able to sleep
but
i gotta try
this
lack of a blue tsunami
makes me sad
i guess we'll see

we got the house, though
so
that's better than not getting it
maybe it'll be enough to change things?!

good morning sweetheart
hope everything is beautiful
for you today


I am anticipating
significant challenges
at work today


I'm trying to take a
via con dios
approach


we'll see if that works better today

goodnight sweetheart

i made tuna salad sandwiches
i make them based on a curried tuna salad i had
in a deli like 30ish years ago
but
i used turmeric instead of curry powder once
and now i make it with
turmeric and cumin and coriander
with hellman's olive oil mayonnaise
and
raisins

and guess what almost doesn't hurt
or at any rate is better
more so than with ibuprofen

note to self
consume more turmeric

dr chucle is awesome

back years ago when i was first dealing with the facts of buzz's spina bifida and mega colon
i was initially not happy with her
she seemed wishy washy
like maybe she didn't know what she was doing
i took him to a cat vet specifically
like a cat specialist
and
everything she said was absolutely spot on
but
unlike some vets
dr chucle understands
you don't have unlimited funds
you have priorities of maximizing the good
and minimizing surgeries and testing
that don't necessarily maximize
that's not wishy washy
it's saying:
you could do that
but it probably isn't the best thing to do
but she doesn't say that last part
she says something more like
some people have had good results with that

once i understood her language
i really really like her
because i trust her opinion as wise and experienced

i have been dealing with young vets
and they have been freaking me out
i've been operating under the impression that
kitty is a ticking time bomb of death
that the elevated levels in his blood
mean that his pancreas is oozing acid all inside him
and that his insides are being destroyed
even as we speak
sure
he seems fine
but
there is almost no time left before massive damage


she's like no
the fact that his cholesterol and triglycerides are ten times "normal"
doesn't necessarily mean anything at all
we don't really know what "normal" is for a cat
maybe it's a problem
but
maybe it isn't

the pancreatitis doesn't work like that
it's only doing stuff when he's having an acute phase
and if he seems fine
he's probably fine

the thing that will most likely manage the problem is diet
and she thinks i'm doing that right
based on these numbers being high
i just switched him from chicken to fish
because my first trial was to get rid of the grains and fat
and then i didn't want to introduce more fats
if he wasn't digesting them properly
so now i've switched him to limited ingredient grain free fish
which is almost the same as what he was getting except fish
blue buffalo

the other vets
were talking specialists and testing
and she doesn't necessarily think that's necessary
also
it's not useful unless he's having an acute episode
but
if i get a referral then they may not see him right away
so
next episode
just take him to gulf coast animal hospital emergency
problem solved
[although the expensive test may be more expensive]
get them to ultrasound his entire belly
and if anything look weird
get needle aspirated biopsies

there is no medication for this
except steroids
which she doesn't recommend until it's super bad and necessary
not as a preventative of any kind
she doesn't recommend
fixating on the blood work

now
in both cases
he was absolutely fine fifteen minutes before
he started vomiting and being obviously sick

so the
just see how he's doing method
seems a little ify
but, whatever

he had an episode in june
and then in august

in august he switched food
the first test was better numbers
this last one was worse
but
they didn't get enough blood to do both tests
and she says they might not have really gotten enough for the one test
because she says it looks like the blood was hydrolyzed
so
maybe the numbers are falsely high
maybe he didn't need to switch foods

but
whatever
that takes care of the other factor:  protein

so
i need to stick with this food
which she approves of
for at least three months
and if he hasn't had an episode by then
he may not have another one for a long time
but once a year or so
is a managed condition

i did a bunch of research
but
this really helped me put things in perspective

so
fingers crossed

i'm going to eat something now

hope your day is going well
i love you very much sweetheart

very strange dreams
you were cloned four times
and sometimes they moved around
but sometimes
they were packaged like peeps
i slept a long time
and the dream kept cycling around
you came to see me
and for our date
you took me with you
to have a medical check for your trip to space
and I was a little disappointed
so clinical
and you were like
this is boring you?
I thought you'd find it fascinating
and something to the effect
why had you bothered


then
we were at college
I was in college
you were a guest lecturer
or whatever
and young women kept coming up
having you sign things
things they were pulling out of their purses
where are you buying that
I asked
because I hadn't been finding
books and cards and pictures at local stores
and they're all like
this place and that place


then I was going to take you to lunch
and i was hoping for some place
that we could really visit
but you wanted to go to Chick-fil-A


I was feeling
like
maybe I was wrong
and you didn't really love me
but
you looked deep into my eyes
and said
I love you very much
but
this is what I have to give you
and you hugged me
and kissed me on the lips
but in a pure and childlike way
and all your bodily substance seemed
to have left you
and you seemed like Russell Brand physically
although, somehow, it was still you


and then
somewhere in there
I drove you around town
and we took a train
and the peeps
were tomatoes
or
somehow related to tomatoes


I don't know what this all means
maybe it's just depression
and too much sleep
but
I'm kinda upset by this dream

hip is still sore
but I'm fine
I discovered I have a reset
and I was thinking I shouldn't
but
I don't know what I was thinking
I went to the first conference
after working overnights
and
the other too
I should know this shit
but
whatever
maybe I'm senile
maybe I'm just distracted
shit to do
tired
maybe a little depressed
I love you
hope you're doing well
cat to the vet
my old vet
semi retired
dr chucle
wish me luck

well
after working all shift
hurting
and feeling kinda flop-sweat-y
and five ibuprofen
i came home
and sat down
and
pop
so
maybe
everything is all better now


i, however, am going to bed
i'm exhausted
and
have no energy for anything


i love you
it was a rough day
but all the santa's butt beer is on the shelf
so, ya know, the important work was done

the quality street candy tins were on sale today 30% off
and i missed getting one last year
so
that's another thing crossed off the list

the cat's blood work is worse
more drastic measures will have to be taken

hope you have a good night sweetheart

I dreamed something about a short haired blonde movie star
in a light blue form fitting dress
that they
made it look like she died
by killing a female soldier
this was in the 30s or 40s
very strange

slightly better
but
on work days I will take ibuprofen
so
hopefully
I'll make it through
dubious, though


hope you're doing well
I love you very much

my hip feels slightly out
I slept late
and I stretched it out
but
it will not co operate
I'm going back to bed


sorry today was such a bust


I love you
and I had really strange dreams
but
I found when I tried to describe them
they didn't make sense
car seats
and movie making
and high school
I just need my fucking hip to pop

good night sweetheart
I'm taking the cat for more blood work
follow up
in the morning
and then I'm early voting


meet me in dreamland
💜

although
if I have some meso American
Indian
it would make
the Quetzalcoatl thing
make more sense
because
it never has made sense

no wait, apparently i have to talk about this first

so
i went to dinner with my mom
and it was ok
i talked about how upset i was with the direction
the country is going
and she was pretty much on board for that
and
she's going to vote
and not republican
so all that is good

she wanted me to say she looks 55

and i'm like
but i'm 51
i think you look older than me
and she's like
well you don't look 51
and i'm like how about i say you look really good
will that work
i'm not good at guessing ages anyway


but
she looks old to me
and frail
and not that good, ya know


but
when i was getting out of the car
i just asked in passing if she had thought about getting one of those dna tests
and she said she sorta wanted to get one
and then
she proceeded to tell me
after i told her my bit

well you've got native american on both sides
and i'm like
well, what do you mean
i figure there might be some mexican somewhere on her side
possibly
because they'd been in texas since the 1850s
it could happen, ya know
maybe not all german

and then she proceeds to tell me
that when shirley and betty went through daddy's things
they found a family picture
that they think was his parents
[although i'm not sure how they decided that]
and the woman had "dark skin"
so
what are you saying
his mother was mexican
maybe, she says
or maybe she was black

you think your super white
very german looking father was half black
i ask
somewhat incredulously

maybe
she says
or indian
i have this indian nose
she says
turning sideways
showing me what most people who have ever guessed
the pedigree of her nose
have guessed was a jewish nose
but
i just think looks somewhat generically german

it is, of course, possible
that he was half black
and just looked white
but
i mean come on
they are all pasty white

i think it's more likely
it was a second wife
but
who can say

but

maybe i'm an 1/8 indian
and an 1/8 black
are you buying that shit

i don't think i am

but
i kinda want to do the test now

I love you

also
I dreamed last night
that I sold all the wine
like there was literally nothing left


which is weird
because they've tied my hands so much
that I literally do not care
or consider myself responsible
for sales of wine

RASPBERRIES?!

that other story decided it was finished
but this one
decided it was next
so
maybe it's a story cycle
or whatever


good morning sweetheart

couldn't decide which way i wanted to go next
with that story
so i didn't get all turned around with it
it's at a comfortable resting place right now
hope everything is good with you

i love you sweetheart
and i'm going to bed soon
i have a headache because the weather is about to change
it got hot again
but
it's supposed to be 64 tomorrow
and
also
i have to go to dinner with my mom tomorrow
i need extra rest

goodnight sweetheart
i love you
i'm going to bed now

now this is just freaky

last night
i dreamed that
dennis gave me a new responsibility at work
i had to go through all these songs
that customers submitted
and choose the ones to put on the in-store
music program
and
when i listened to them
a bunch of them
seemed to be about me
and i was deeply touched
dream songs
weird, huh

bed&vreakfast, damn it!

i was reading july, july  and i didn't get it.  now that's not terribly unusual for me, the not getting it, with things that other people like and "get" and understand.  i didn't go to my high school reunion--  not 10, not 20, not 30 (if they had a 30).  for my 10 year, i said i wasn't going and a friend of mine asked me why.  why should i want to?  i asked.  it's not like i have stuff i want to show off.  i could go with you and tell them i'm your husband, he offered.  wow, i thought, that's what you think i'd want to show off?!  i had meant like, ya know, i wasn't famous yet.

these july, july people, they seemed to just be the embodiment of regret and backward looking-ness, and i couldn't like them.  even now, when i think i'm about the age they were, i still think, somehow, that my best days are ahead of me.  or, realistically, that there might not be any good days--  maybe good days are a trap, somehow.  i wouldn't go back to high school.  not if you paid me.  i liked college, a lot, but i don't think i'd want to go back.  if there's any time i might be tempted to go back to it's the time i spent travelling around.  and really, i don't want to go back, i want to go forward.


patagonia.
patagonia, arizona.
is a small town in southern arizona, not too far from the mexican border.  it's a bird watcher's paradise, so i'm told, and it's close to other cool places to check out like tombstone and bisbee.  driving out there was my first look at texas canyon, and the drive on highway 83 from the 10 to patagonia was really beautiful to me.  in fact, there's this juncture where one way takes you to patagonia (which is like northern exposure, but like, ya know, southern exposure), another way takes you to tombstone (which is like a wild west movie set, kinda), and the other takes you to bisbee (an amazing little artist colony which is some kind of technicolor vision that seems like oz, something--  i was going to say brigadoon but that seemed like mixing metaphors somehow--  it just doesn't seem like it could really exist)

anyway, i had to find the black dove.  and this was still when everything had deep symbolic meaning.  but it was a little house with an added guest house kind of thing.  and i was in the guest house kind of thing.  i met the woman who ran the bed and breakfast and her husband.  i had booked it for two people because i naively thought he might be joining me and i didn't want to defraud the b&b.  is your friend coming tonight?  they asked.  well, actually i don't know that he's coming at all, i said, maybe.  they looked at me.  you'll find the one, the woman said, you'll find a good man who will do work around the house and be a real help to you, she said, looking approvingly at her mate.  wow, i thought, that's really what you think i want?  i wanted somebody to play with, somebody fun and inspiring.

whatever.  i put a box of black licorice in the window so that if he showed up he'd know he was in the right place, and then i went "to town".  i put town in air quotes because it's hard for me to think of a place that small as going to town--  it is really just a few businesses--  but i'm probably skewed by coming from a big city.  there was a cute little grocery, not a health food store--  if there had been a health food store i probably would have gone there.  i bought groceries.  as though it were serious business.  i got eggs and big cans of those awesome green chiles that come in the bright yellow packaging.  i got coffee.  i don't know what all i bought.  staples, i bought staples, like i was stocking the pantry for our home.  for some reason i bought a giant (truly giant) bag of mixed raspberries and blackberries.  i think i spent $125, seriously.  i was not staying long enough to eat $125 worth of food, and apparently i was not planning to eat out at all.  i think i just got carried away at the idea of cooking for him, if he showed up, which i really didn't expect that he would.  i can't really explain what i was thinking.

i put the groceries away.  the husband came and asked me if i was having breakfast the next morning and i said i thought i was and he told me what time it was.  i walked around the property a bit and then i went to the cafe.  they had internet and, of course, it wasn't smart phones then so i had to have my laptop and find the internet access.  i couldn't make something work and, i remember, i actually called my mother and made her log on and read me something--  that's how seriously i took all this social media back then.

i stayed up late because i always stay up late.  and i could not make myself wake up in the morning.  then there was banging on the door.  wtf.  i got up and staggered to the door, opened it a bit sticking my face out.  it was the husband.  you're late for breakfast!

this took me a little aback.  i'm on vacation.  he was banging on the door, waking me up to tell me about breakfast?!  my experience with bed & breakfasts had been:  they cook breakfast and if you want it you come and get some, like a buffet kind of thing, ya know.  yeah, i overslept, i said, i think i'm just gonna skip it.

no, he says forcefully.  she made an effort to make you breakfast and you are going to come eat it.

again wtf?!  but he was deadly serious.  he looked like he might beat the crap out of me if i didn't get my ass in there right that moment.  man, i haven't had a shower.  he looked unmoved.  ok, give me a minute to get dressed.  it would have been nice if you had explained the situation more completely yesterday.  i will not be wanting breakfast the rest of my stay here, understand.  i threw on my clothes from yesterday and went into the main house to sit at a round table just outside the kitchen.  there were eggs scrambled with cheese and a muffin split open and buttered.  it was greasier than i would have preferred.  i felt unclean and uncomfortable.  she sat down and made small talk.  as a ring of hell it was pretty mild.  then she went on to explain how her mate, the one i should aspire to get one like, apparently, was just very protective of her and hadn't meant to snap at me like that--  clearly i just hadn't understood the situation.  uh huh.

then i went back to my room to brush my teeth and take a shower.  she had left tiny sample size regenerist serum with a note about how great it was on the bathroom sink.  really?  that's what you think i want to start with a new drugstore serum on my vacation?  i mean, maybe it's great but i don't want that crap, and it just felt like weird and intrusive, somehow.  then i go to take the shower and there is no hot water.

this i think is funny.  the universe is telling me to take a cold shower.  he is definitely not coming.

I love you

I love you

i feel a story riding to the surface

July, July
Patagonia
licorice
bed & breakfast! damn it
tombstone
birdcage
missions
hummingbird
raspberries
radio Patagonia -- a hard rain's gonna fall
high school reunions
bogie-- I'll pretend to be your husband 94
pva lookin for me 04

good morning sweetheart
I love you very much
💜

I dreamed
that I worked
on a television show
and for some reason we were expecting
china to invade
so they left me in the hallway
I was expected to turn them away somehow

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much
i'm going to bed now
i'm exhausted
but
it's much much cooler here
like
you can just put the fan on
instead of the air conditioner
61 degrees, my phone says
real feel 56
so
that
is
awesome!

golden gate

when i was like three and a half
my gran gran, my aunt joan, and i
drove from texas to san francisco to pick up
my hippy aunt
i'm not sure why she didn't just take a bus or something
i'm sure there was a reason
and i don't think it was because everyone wanted a road trip

i remember a surprising amount of the trip
which is to say
not a huge amount
but i was three and a half

i think i've told you some of it before
and i should write a story or something
but
for right now
i'm just going to paint a little picture

the reason is
i've had this image coming up
over and over again recently

me
standing on a pier at fisherman's warf
with a starfish
it was the kind of starfish
that one could buy at anyplace that sold seashells
in 1970 at least
and for years and years afterwards
although i don't see them much anymore
about four inches across
orange with little white bumpy texture across the top
and a zillion little dried leggy/feel-y bits on the underside
and i was picking off those fringe-y bits
i couldn't help myself
i was standing there alone
the adults could see me
but they weren't close by
i was looking alternately out at the water
and back at the dramatic long orange curtains
at the restaurant
had we just gone there?
i don't think so
i think we were trying to go
but there was probably debate about whether
there was anything my vegetarian aunt could eat
and whether she was willing to watch the hungry carnivores eat
i don't specifically remember that part
not from like that occasion
but that was how she was

i was standing alone
looking at the curtains
looking out at a sea lion
but
i'm not sure now if it was real or not
it might have been inflatable
i don't think i knew then
i think i was intently trying to tell if it were real
but it wasn't moving
my reality had not included wild sea lions
and i was trying to figure it out
and picking the stuff off the starfish

but
seeing that now
i'm wondering
what if i had jumped in?
i wasn't paying much attention to the aults
and they weren't paying much attention to me
what time of year was it?
i wasnt to say fall
i want to say i had a sweater on
but
i'm not sure
i know it wasn't hot
but
i don't think san francisco gets hot enough
even in the hottest part of summer
to seem hot to me


i liked san francisco
i liked golden gate park [i think it was called]
i liked chinatown [i got a golden plate and container set]
i'm not sure that i liked the trolleys [they were a little scary to get on]
the biggest adventure
i feel like i told you that part before
was when my hippy aunt was giving my aunt joan driving directions
she didn't drive herself, you see
and she turned her onto lombardi street
and she was not sure she could handle it
but she couldn't turn back
there were people behind her
so she had to drive down the "crookedest street in the world"
and she was really really pissed off about it
and she went really really slow
so the people behind her were also pissed off

i've had a strange day
i have been having some trouble making myself do things
i don't know if it's a mood thing
or what
but
like i wouldn't do my taxes back in april
so i filed for an extension
and that meant they were due today
and
i've been trying to make myself do them all month
it doesn't take very long
because i don't itemize or anything
i owed a little bit
because i don't have them take out any extra
and i have some starbucks dividends

i feel like i shouldn't be talking about this
isn't that strange
anyway
i got up at 9am
and i had already basically done them
i just had to type them out
and print them
and write a check
and mail it

but it was probably 3pm before i'm dropping it in the mailbox
and i know
normal people do some kind of online paying
or phone paying
but
i have some issues
some of them are just stubborn
and some of them are related to
technology failures in one way and another

but
i just didn't want to pay it
i kept thinking
T doesn't pay taxes
he just gave abuncha  rich people a tax break
i barely make any money and i gotta pay
hardly anything comparatively
there's no state income tax here
and whatnot
but
i was all in a funk
and
i had to go get sushi to cheer myself up
20% off for "happy hour" since it was like 4pm



sorry if i've been out of pocket
it's just been really bad
i even did my car inspection first
and it isn't technically due til the end of the month
but i did it the day i wore my freaky pants
and got the new sticker already too
texas has combined the inspection and registration stickers
but
there's all this stress for me
because i've tried to get the inspection done
when the speedometer and odometer are both working
and
i missed that window
so i'm looking up what you need to pass
and, turns out, you don't actually need odometer
that is the cheapest inspection i've had in like 15 years
i only had to pay for inspection
nothing needed fixing

I'm going to bed sweetheart
I love you
meet me in dreamland

i'm having some feels around the EW thing and i want to talk about it [edited]

now
i'm a little put off to be honest
by the whole one ancestor 6 to 10 generations back
i can't explain exactly
but
maybe if i tell you why i don't want to take a dna test
it'll make more sense


i might be as much as 1/8 native american
which is not a whole lot
but
i figure
if my grandfather's father
was a full blood indian
he probably would have passed on some specifics
some practices
tribal knowledge
specific stories
but
i never heard anything like that
so
i figure he must have been half
but
he could have been less, i guess
he looked indian
indian enough to be killed for being an indian
and my grandfather looked indian
so
i figure that he must have been half indian
and that makes me an eighth  [no it doesn't, it makes me a sixteenth]

but
i worry that that might be wrong
but
i figure
he did have a red headed sister
so maybe he was less than 1/4
there's all that recessive and whatnot
but
at the outside i figure i couldn't possibly be less than 1/32
which is like
hardly statistically relevant
but is still something, ya know like 3%

and that's why i don't want to take a dna test
they aren't even terribly good at the native american dna
because the tribes don't like to participate in the dna testing
so they have to extrapolate from mexico and central america
it tends to get lumped into asian
because
that's where the indians came from
long time ago on the bering strait
and
i cannot handle
if i don't show up
or if it's 1% or 3% asian
so
i don't want to do it

i understand i don't count as indian
i don't have tribal registry
or affiliation or even a very sure guarantee
that my grandfather was not fucking making up blackfoot
just because it sounded cool to him


now
maybe i'm wrong
maybe he was
i keep saying he
because i don't know his name
maybe he was full blooded indian
and his wife wouldn't let the kids learn indian stuff
maybe

so then my grandfather was half
my father a quarter
and me
then i'm an eighth
that's like my best case senario then, huh, 12.5%


but
it won't tell me for sure what tribe
and it won't help me learn anything about anything
so
all it can do really
is take my 12.5% and make it 1%
ya know
why do that?

it might say

50-ish% german
20-ish% scottish
20-ish% irish
10-ish% asian/native american
or maybe i would be surprised

but
in the end
i don't see what difference the surprise would make
what difference does it make
what countries your ancestors came from
if you don't know them
aren't they really just abstractions
and then you're just telling yourself stories about what any of it means

it's not gonna tell me i'm 50% sub-saharan-african
or japanese
that would surprise me
but
it wouldn't really tell me anything about myself, ya know

goodnight sweetheart
i love you

goodnight sweetheart
i love you

ok
let me ask you something
wtf is wrong with KW
i've avoided ever hearing him
i'm not sure why exactly
something about the way people talk about him
but
he comes off as slightly schizophrenic
except that he is coherent-ish
like the words make sense
but
it doesn't hang together as a coherent concept
let me contrast

lucid

intelligent

thinks DT was running to build up to something

not to become president

this was the first george carlin i ever saw

either it flams or it doesn't flam

I think I started brushing my hair back
when I was letting the uber short
shaved back bob grow out
I put some gel in it
when it was wet
and brushed it back
combed it back
and then
I did not brush it out
wet look
this was less popular
than the giant teased asymmetric do
which was so unpopular
that
when I got caught in the rain
and the whole thing fell
into a curly/wavy flat wet do
everyone ran up to me
and said
wow your hair looks great today
I associate people running up to me
when my hair is different
with
we didn't want to tell you how bad
we thought it looked before
so
we'll just effusively praise this
and hope that does the trick
and it might
if I cared what anyone else thought of my hair
I don't though
I never have


I'm doing it for me
and to project something, ya know


but
one day I was talking to my hippy aunt
after I hadn't seen her for a while
and
she had almost always worn her hair
in two side braids
and I was looking at her
same color as mine red hair
and her inch and a half part
and
I'm all like
ok, good warning
no parts
no parts ever


and
I stand by that
I'm not unhappy with that decision

ok
I have to go to bed now
but
possibly what I wanted to tell you
was
either
why I started brushing my hair back
well
no
actually I started doing that in the early 90s
but
in earnest I mean


or
my theory about BK's
freakishly inappropriate prepared statement


or
possibly
it was neither of these things


anyway
I love you sweetheart
goodnight

when i went to bed night before last
there was something i wanted to tell you
but it was a story or something and i had fallen asleep in the chair
and i just wasn't awake enough to tell you at that moment
but
yesterday i tried all day
and i can't remember what it was
and usually, if this kind of thing happens
i try to back track
and whatever i saw that triggered the memory
usually re-triggers the memory
but
no luck
i hope it wasn't fascinating
because
it might be a while before i get back to it, ya know


yesterday
i got up at 6;30
because kitty wanted breakfast
but then i went back to bed
slept til 10:30 and in some ways i feel pretty good
but then in others not so much
and about 2:30 i got really dizzy
i had to lie down
i was really worried about myself
i fell asleep
i slept another  three hours

this morning
i don't want coffee
it just seems like too much acid
plus the cream and sugar
i don't want the sugar
but i can't drink coffee black
well, unless it's really good coffee
made in a french press
but that is not the situation

now
i always want coffee
but today, i have the distinct imprression that it will make me sick
and i was drinking coffee before i got dizzy
so maybe i've connected them in my mind
i really hope not
i love coffee

i'm drinking iced tea
which i'm drinking without sugar (as always)
but
when i was a kid
if i drank iced tea in the morning
it made me vomit
now, granted
that was powdered iced tea
which is what deborah bought
which is what i could fix myself
but
i think it had to do with the tannins
to much for my weaker morning stomach

but
i think it's fine now
i was drinking iced tea when i went to bed
i'm just finishing it up
then i think i'm going to have some emergen-C

I dont think wigs are going to work for me
I think I have too much hair
I dont even think my hairline
has receded beyond "normal"
but
I used to have a widow's peak
anyway
that purple wig
it barely comes below my ears
and none of my hair will fit under it


whatever


I love you

good morning sweetheart
hope everything is good with you


things actually went ok with my mom

good morning sweetheart
hope your day is good
with beautiful weather


I'm not getting my hair cut Sunday
I'm not sure
any hair decision I made right now
would count as being in my right mind
I feel pretty emotional
so
I'm gonna wait


stomach still upset
head still hurts
I ordered a probiotic
which will hopefully help


I've got more to talk about
but
I'm going to dinner with my mom
so
more later, I guess

so
god sent me a hairstylist
this girl walked up to my register
and said:
wow you have such beautiful hair
now
when I was a kid
and a young woman
people said this so much
it fucking irritated me
but
it's been a while


I washed it this morning
and
I put the stuff in it
but a little more than normal
and
I parted it
just let it hang down
it pained me
I've been wearing it brushed back
for so long that this looks
really wrong to me
but
it puts less emphasis
on the reduction of hair
and
I'm certain she was talking about
the color
but
she's a stylist
and I asked where
and she's like
it's just around the corner
but
it's more expensive
I'm like how much
if you don't mind my asking
we start at $95
but the
and I'm
like
yeah, that's about what I need to be paying
I haven't been for a while
but
I used to when I made more money
can I get your card
she didn't have one
but she wrote it down for me
Andie at Kharisma Hair Studio
you could ask for me
yeah, that's what I was gonna do 😊

I took an iron supplement
I feel like I might be a little anemic
I still feel weird
but
not as bad as yesterday
when i had that stomach bug
i think it messed up
my internal flora
because i haven't been quite right
so
i guess, maybe, in retrospect
it wasn't menopause
it was bug
who the hell knows
maybe this right now
is psycho somatic
maybe a lot of women
are feeling ill


idk
i love you sweetheart
i hope you have a good day