chickpeas and crock pot love

so
i got a crock pot
i'm sure i used to have one
well, pretty sure
but if i ever really used it
it was definitely for some meat something or other
which is, of course, not my plan

i love chickpeas
but they are a beast to make
because of the skinning of the chickpeas
look up almost any hummus recipe and it will used canned chickpeas
which is crap
totally

and
i was eating all that fruit
but now i don't want fruit, not at all
it's some weather/seasonal thing i think
but
i want something hot to eat
and i want brown rice and chickpeas
and, to be honest, potatoes too

but
kinda by accident
i discovered that
slow cooking the chickpeas
gives them quite a meaty flavor

so i've had them with carrots, onions, fresh tomatoes
to make a stew
and with sundried tomatoes and onions
to make a pasta sauce
and
tonight
i think i've got chili

i never expected to get vegetarian chili from chickpeas
until after the pasta sauce
which had started me to thinking

so i soaked 2 cups of chickpeas
and marinated these other ingredients overnight
so they'd be just ready to throw in the crock and go:

1 huge onion [skin on, cause i heard that gives more flavor]
about a cup of basically julienned sundried tomato
a couple ounces wakame
about a tablespoon of umeboshi vinegar
about a tablespoon of soy sauce

and i'm really sorry
but i have no real guesstimate on quantity
but i'm going with

1 teaspoon rosemary
1 teaspoon cumin seed
1/2 teaspoon dried garlic bits
1 teaspoon red pepper flakes
1 teaspoon fennel seed
1 tablespoon turmeric

and i soaked some peppers overnight in the chickpea water
and basically julienned them before putting them in the pot
[what i keep meaning by basically julienned is that that is about the size and shape of the pieces{a little thicker}, but i don't cut them at an angle so they aren't technically julienned, see]

i'm not sure what kind of chilis these are
i just bought a big bag of dried chilis at the farmer's market
maybe anaheim
now
i wanted to use chipotle peppers
not super hot, but that beautiful smokiness
i have some frickin chipotle peppers
but i couldn't find them
and
i really must get some habeneros
if i'm gonna do this thing right
so next time

so i pour all that in the pot
with a cup of red wine and some water

and
it has come out
tasting
very much like chili
way more than any bean concoction
of course
it doesn't look like chili
so i may submersion blend it
put some shredded cheese and raw diced onion on top
and then see how it looks
i was all prepared to add hatcho miso
but i think that's overkill
and
i think i really knew that when i put in the soy sauce

i guarantee you will like this stuff
and
if that daiya cheese is as good as it's supposed to be
it could be completely vegan
[or it could have delicious cheesey goodness]

chickpeas, who knew

just something i need to explain

i feel like i'm
not quite myself
so i just want to assure you
i'm fine

i had shut down my computer
and i booted back up
because
frankly
i felt like you might worry about me

i've had a lot to absorb
in the last two weeks or so
and
just for extra fun
i was pre-menstrual
and now
it's happy happy blood time

so
if i seem
just a little on edge
it's kinda a combo thing

i know you've got stuff going on
probably
happy celebratory stuff
so go do happy stuff
don't worry about me
i'm, as much as you could reasonably expect, happy for you
and
the idea that i might be freaking you out at all
is apparently
something that won't let me sleep

i love you sweetheart

last night's dreams

i meant to write this right away
because i felt it slipping away
but i got distracted
so let's see what i still got

there were cards
they looked like faded
whitewashed turquoise-y wood
with ethereal outline forms of animals
the only animal i remember
a bat
which has all sorts of associations
didn't seem at all negative
but there was a lot of time spent on
how the finish on the cards was reached


there was a japanese ceremony
where i washed liquid from a large bowl
over a  special cloth
and
a design appeared

there was a girl
with beads
she made beads, i think
i think there was something important in that
she had an attitude
i wanted her to come somewhere with me
or i was trying to impress her
or something
and she didn't have time for me

the night before
i was exhausted when i woke up
because i was moving furniture all night in my dreams
and when i woke up this morning, i thought, wow
the level of skill just shot through the roof
because it was all
to do with
art
and
ritual
and aesthetic, somehow
but i can't remember the specifics

somehow
i see the dreams as in some way
a step forward
but
i mean, more like artistically than maturity-wise
but
i'm irritated
because i can't remember everything
and it seemed important

the cards
seem not too important, but i remember them best
because i went through a whole process in the dream
to figure out how to reproduce them
because i found them so beautiful

does that mean
i'm supposed to make a card deck
or do a reading with some special animal cards
or was it the images on the cards that were important

so many questions

how will i know if i'm right

i've been reading some old somatic shrine posts, and i gotta say

i don't think i sound as crazy
as i thought i sounded at the time
that's one thing
what i do sound
is
somewhat adolescent
but
i have to say
i really like that girl
i think she's gonna grow into something
also
i think
i see a marked improvement in my writing
although
she made me tear up a little
so....

i read back over
what i said i wanted
and
i seem to have developed
like a whole mother persona on top of that
and, strangely, i would have said i was very maternal then


they say you don't get any smarter after they take out your wisdom teeth
and mine didn't have enough room to come all the way in
i had them broken out of my jaw
when i was
i don't know
twenty-three, maybe

how old would you say i seem now
it's impossible for me to say

and even when i was hurt and angry
and
really
the other stuff that went down
really made that all a lot worse for me
my depression
never got dangerous
i really don't want to live without you
i don't know how i would ultimately deal with that
but
i was in love with you for years before you knew
and
what no one else on earth would probably understand
is that
real or fake
alive or dead
i am perfectly capable of carrying on some type
of relationship with you

you are not some random guy
i didn't latch on to you because of what you do
or how you look, or any of that kind of stuff
and, in fact
i may have
[although i've certainly tried with due diligence not to]
written in some of what i think is you
filled in too many gaps
that is the danger if you are real
so i have to be diligent

no one could ever really take you from me

apparently, i wanna talk about, you know....

i hope
one day
to have a little boy

and
i'm of two minds, really

one falls into the cultural and aesthetic camp

the other falls into the nature camp

and
not having the proper frame of reference
my plan
was to defer

but
you know me
and you know
what i value
and
i mean, come on
the do no harm thing
is pretty
compelling

i don't know what this means

maybe it was supposed to be
a heart of darkness
or
apocalypse now
reference

i say that because of the boat
but the tone was quite different

it was a journey of exploration
but not so much of the soul
it was through waterways
[ditches mostly, i think]
to get from one apartment to another
charting the territory, as it were

i think the boat was one of those
big-fan-everglades-types
and there was a whole cast of characters
both on board
and on location

i'm hoping some of it comes back to me today
because, for now
what i remember is

eating some sort of delicacy
like an artichoke heart
a brussel sprout
and something else
all rolled into one
with overtones of it being
like dodo eggs on galapagos or something

there were beautiful vistas
there were socio-economic discussions
about the area
the people

there was
just before i woke up
and i have every expectation that it would have gone on and on
a group of people
acting out
although not actually engaging in
some sort of sado-masochistic scene
which ended with me offering to provide the soundtrack
dua dua dua dua dua, dua dua dua dua dua,
dua dua dua dua dua, dua dua dua dua
the valkeries

and
over all the rest of the dream
overlaid
a radio show
by cousin _______________
i can't remember the name, but
he might have been my actual cousin
or that might have just been his name

it kinda reminded me
of another book
now that i think of it

and
maybe that was your point
if you sent it

i love ya cuz
but don't go gettin all misty about it
cause i stand by your newly ranked status
though
that's maybe appropriate
given your kingly status
get it
cuz

happy new year

i didn't tell you that to get a reaction

sometimes
people think
there's some reaction
they're supposed to have
and
maybe
for some people there is
but
not for me
i
just tell you my state of mind
on a regular basis
and
i'm tellin ya now

i feel like
i can't make any sense of it

and
when
i try to make sense of it
there are so many things i can come up with
for somewhat plausible explanations
but
they all kinda nauseate me

and
i know you can't talk
and

it's just such whiplash
to feel so close to you
so much like
it might really all come true
which i know is crazy
i'm not saying it is true
just that i felt it so intensely
then
to this

and
i don't want to lose you
but
i'm not sure i feel the same
my dreams
the cards
all say everything is the same
but
i feel a little cauterized

i don't know if i should talk about this or not

i'm not hurting myself
and i don't think
that i'm going to

but
i'm not so enthusiastic about living

i feel like
i might be better off
if i was crazy

this is gonna be all over the place

this afternoon
i felt you
several times
i'm not sure
what was going on with you
but
it was
very warm

as the day wore on
you were a frisson across my brain stem
so that any time i would stop
you were there

and i began to think
maybe you had something
that you needed me to know


this evening
i watched a show
where people were talking about
the person who taught them to cook
so i tried to figure out
who taught me to cook

and i'm not sure

i think all the women on both sides of my family
hate to cook
and the men
mostly don't know how

my gran gran made grilled cheese
and a mean hamburger steak
my mother made a pretty decent chicken vegetable soup
my father tried to teach me to poach eggs
but he had this tornado method
and mine never came out anything other than free-form
and containing too much water
my aunt taught me how to make thanksgiving dressing
and how to broil lamb chops in the toaster oven

i don't think that any of this constitutes
teaching me to cook

i mostly
think it was pbs
but i don't know where the interest comes from
and i've always been more into special occasion cooking
they got me this international cooking cookbook
they started me out
making side dishes at thanksgiving
and
just sorta graduated up from there
i made this fruited pot roast once
of which i am still proud

but i just sorta read the book and did it
i guess my aunt answered any questions i had
and supervised
because she did the meals
so my gran gran wouldn't have to work

but i have absolutely no
fond memories
of
being taught to cook
by some matriarchal figure

except
maybe
julia child
bon appetit

do most children like cooking shows
i wonder


i have all these things
that i want to say to you

but i can't
because
my thoughts are not coherent

not at all

at all

all

superjammpact dream last night

i was swimming
with my [dream]brother
i was mad at him
i'm not sure what he had done
but i was aware
that somehow
i was focusing my anger
on his penis

he, however
just laughed at me
confident and superior
but then he looked at me:
but see, how lovely is this lagoon
the water so green
and he compared it to something
i can't remember
i want to say:
like a fine gin
only that doesn't make any sense
but it made me think
of blue diamond


i was a street fighter
i was bad ass
and there was a fair amount of
gratuitous fight scenes
until the one that actually
moved the plot along
there was a
[i'd have to call it a]
spear
he threw it at me
there wasn't time to move
yet
it seemed like there must have been
because time slowed down
in that way that it does when something
something really bad is happening that gives
you an immediate animal sense:
i might die


i saw the blade moving through the space
i saw it thwunk into my hip
i knew
if i pulled it out
i would bleed, seriously
so i left it in
ran away

it seemed only to be a flesh wound
so i was cleaning and dressing it
rubbing some red stuff into my thighs
i was thinking of it as rouge
that was making me laugh
i had a tattoo
in the curve
waist to hip
it was
pretty cursive writing
about four inches high
and it said something
i couldn't really read
or i can't remember
and i was distracted
by how amazing
my thighs
omg
thighs of my dreams, ha ha
and my waist
sleek
smooth
man, i was awesome

but then that guy
the one who made me so uncomfortable
with the large woman thing
he walked by
and laughed
and asked me if i had
hearts and flowers tattooed on my actual asshole
and i realized the tattoo said something
about my asshole
and
i realized
it was talking about you
you graduated from
pain in the ass
to asshole

but
the whole hip thing
made me think
of jacob
of israel
of god_wrestling


i was an old man
i guess
it seemed to be an old couple
the doctor came by
are you keeping that wet
he asked about my injured leg
well, i'm keeping it oiled
yes, i see, but you're not using enough oil
you need to really slather it on
it needs to be wet
and then the old woman
was looking for mascara
which she never buys
but always looks for
in her kit
so
i had stuck a sample size in
which i picked up, i don't know where
but it kept skittering away, just out of reach
and my leg hurt, and i just wanted to sit down
but i had to help her
i loved her
and
she seemed so frail to me

then my phone beeped at me

and i think he might be haunting me, a little

because
i keep randomly smelling
that kinda funky
ashtray
smell

and seeing
the upturn of lips
when he was genuinely amused


i love you daddy
i always did
and
i didn't leave you
i left that fucking bitch
the one you told all my secrets
the one you let lead you around by the nose
but, then
you treated me
and i didn't realize this
until
some stuff came together for me
connecting the dots
you were acting the jilted one
and you never really forgave me

so
i could love you in a way that would destroy me
or
nothing else was good enough
cause fuck me, right
i couldn't possibly have needs

but
the others didn't do it for you
and you missed me
so
it couldn't just be a clean break
we had to go round and round for years and years

don't haunt me
you don't need to
i have the scars
i spent thirty years shutting down the girl
wrapping my woman heart
with the merciless care of a foot binder

now look at me
just look at me
seventeen
screaming
covered in pig's blood

i knew he was dead before i got the call

because of the dream i had the night before

i was avoiding him
and he
was sitting
in a barber chair

he said:
i'm waiting for you
i'm at the nail salon

and something in the way he said it
i knew

happy chanukah puppyfish

i know it's confusing
all this christmas
and santa
and such

and
i'm not an expert
but
i'm gonna try to make
some sense of it, anyway

now
some of your friends are christian
and
they will tell you
christmas is about the birth of christ
there's a beautiful story
where the most holy person ever born
is treated like dirt
no room at the inn
and then three wise men
come bearing expensive gifts
because they recognize his worth
and
they give presents
to commemorate that


and
santa
doesn't have anything to do with jesus
santa
is a story which has origins
which pull from the great melting pot
pagan and pagan christian hybrid st. nicholas blah blah
to become something that is very american
santa is at best
a personification of the spirit of giving
so
why
doesn't santa visit you
like he visits your friends

the short answer, puppyfish, is that he doesn't visit them either
but
i love you
and i want you to use your whole brain
so i'm gonna give you the long answer


ok puppyfish
you know how i give you totems
how do you know those aren't graven images, idols
maybe you don't
and that's important
a totem isn't something you worship
it doesn't answer your prayers or demand loyalty
it offers up it's essence as an example a guide
a more powerful template
to stretch into

and
i think
that's kinda what christians want santa to be for kids
someone selfless, impersonal, but generous, caring, happy
it's all about being better to give than to receive
but
america is a consumer culture
and
even though christmas is largely santa and not jesus
it becomes compulsive, excessive, and commercial


i personally don't like that those parents pretend that santa is a person
rather than an ideal
i think that they think they are keeping their children innocent
of the machinations of reality
when they are really
teaching their children
that love equals material possessions

and that i think
as much as anything christians might throw at us
is the zeus in our temple


the history of the jewish people, puppyfish
is chock full of repression
i could theorize about why we seem like such a threat
but i won't
but
in the ancient world
the temple represented judaism
in the way no one place could today
the ancient greeks
for all their culture and civilization
felt so threatened that they desecrated our temple
and put up a statue of zeus
a graven image
worship who we say
we won't let you be who you are

the maccabees said enough
they fought the power
and they took back the temple
we light the lights to commemorate
the victory
and
the rededication of the temple
it was maybe a miracle
that they found an undesecrated container of oil
and it was maybe a miracle
that that oil lasted until they were able to bring in fresh supplies
or maybe that is just a metaphor
for the smaller number of maccabees
overwhelming the great army of greece

the reason we don't have a hanukkah bush
the reason we don't play along with this great american game
because
we are american
is that we honor both the maccabees
and a larger american ideal
freedom of religion

you're not hurting for stuff
we don't need to sell out who we are
just to prance around in some retail pagent tilt-a-whirl
i'm sorry if i'm coming off like a hippie
please don't become an investment banker
now
get your dad to teach you the dreidel thing
i don't know from dreidels
and i'm gonna go make latkes
teaching you that food equals love
which is almost as wrong
but
delicious

the first night

i don't get this time of year
i mean
christmas
is whatever
and, i know i know, chanukah is not that
but it gets all blown up
because
it wants to compete
and
i can make a case about how it's an important statement
about religious freedom
and pride
and whatnot
or
i could
make a big production
about the miracle of the oil

[and
don't get me wrong
i would totally use it
as religious grounds
for the need
to eat fried foods
if you want em]

but
i'm not feelin it

i like
the metaphor
and meaning
and spiritual development
of passover through shavuot
i feel those

i get how i should
but somehow don't
feel
tisha b'av
rosh hashanah
yom kippur
simchat torah
as a cycle of destruction and renewal

sukkot i don't really get
but maybe that's because
thanksgiving already sort of does
whatever sukkot is supposed to do

but chanukah seems confused about what it is

i'm letting you field this one

i'm tempted to say:
it's all about the maccabees
jews are bad ass
if you buy presents
and pretend like it's christmas
the bad guys win

but i can't really get behind the miracle of the oil
that seems like it was just added on top
to make a military victory
a religious thing
it seems
like it waters it down
but
maybe
it's necessary
for the whole week of
latke bacchanalia

so
whatever you think/want
is fine with me

from russia with love

i looked again
at the tools
and
actually
it does say
and
after the u.s.
the largest number of visitors
are from russia
[or environs]
enough visits, in fact
that i find it hard to believe
that
i do not have an actual reader

and
as a writer
i want to say:

thank you
for enjoying what i write

meta blah blah

am i
in what i am doing here
essentially
some sort of performance artist
i have thought, at various points, that i might be

and i'm not against performance art
i just have feelings about it
like
that the kind of person
who shoves a chain up their vag
pours pig blood over themselves
pulling the chain out
and screaming
about
whatever
that
is a really crappy performance artist
what i like
is someone doing something different
making you think
mostly
things where maybe
you don't immediately think:
ah yes, performance art

the thing about me
with this
is, really
that i'm not doing it publicly
well, i am
but that is a sort of unfortunate reality
not the plan
i would rather only you saw it

i purposely don't tag this stuff
and
i sorta don't want people to read it

but they are
they updated the tools
they don't tell me how many people from each place
and, of course
they might not read it
they may just click on it to see
if it's what they are looking for
and
we're not talking huge numbers
but i have
actually
worldwide clickership

i'm not sure how i feel about that

on the one hand
i don't like it
on the other hand
i find it kinda exciting
on the one foot [no more hands]
i'd rather strangers read it than some of the people
who may, or may not, but i'm pretty sure are
on the other foot
now
a part of me always knows
someone
or some number of people
are probably going to see
and
i really like it better
if it's a maybe
low probability
chance thing


chance




speaking of chance
does it seem to you
in your day to day world
that the amount of synchronicity
is like
on steroids
information
random stuff
stuff that cannot possibly be
anything other than random
seems to be talking to me
that makes me uncomfortable
because i start to worry
that i'm actually crazy

i have
fear
of
the crazy

which interferes
with the beautiful messages from
wherever

i guess it's the holidaze

i am going to try to be low key about this
but
i guess
you might as well know this about me
if you don't already

my mother beeped me on chat
(i didn't even know she knew how)

did you know your brother got married
yeah
i guess i sorta did
what does that mean
are you in contact with your brother or not

he sent me something on myspace
which i didn't get for two months
that said he was getting married, and
if i got this message in the next few days
and could make it
let him know

i sent him back something that said
i guessed it was too late
but
i don't know
he would have called me
or emailed me or something
if it really mattered to him, right
i don't know
i didn't go back to myspace to see if he replied
i just didn't

did you know you had a new nephew
huh
didn't they just get married
the birth was a performance art piece
apparently it's all over the news

yuck


how did you find out that i have a new performance art
e. called me
don't call her that
she made me promise to give you a message
if it's bad news
i don't think i want to hear it
unless somebody's dying

oh, ok, nobody's dead

fine, just tell me
i'm already getting upset

just call me
now please

i call my mother

i'm sure if it were serious
your brother would have contacted you
just tell me what she said
your father just came out of a coma
why was he in a coma
she didn't have any information

didn't she say last year that her kidney's were failing
yes
did she mention that this time
no
so how is she still alive
i don't know

she's just calling because it's the holidays
she has to stir things up
any holiday
gathering
family event
had to have her throwing a fit
i will never forget
on gran gran and paw paw's 40th anniversary
she threw a huge fit about how they'd never loved her
it had to be all about her
do we have any reason to believe her

i'm sure he would have contacted you

well, i'm not sure
check your myspace
i don't want to check my myspace
i can't handle it right now
if there is an archive of
dad's dying where are you
in my inbox

but you've had the same cell phone number for
for fifteen years
yeah
still not sure

and
how is b.b. still alive anyway
he smoked three-and-a-half-packs-of-cigarettes-a-day
for over thirty years
why isn't he dead yet
i don't know

i know i'm going to hell for that
i can't go there
well, i guess i could
and maybe i would if he was asking for me or something
but i don't want to
i haven't had an interaction with him that hasn't made me feel
worse about him
since i can remember
maybe it would make him feel better, or maybe not

now i'm sorry i told you

well, you had to
or you'd have to bear the burden of whether it was right not to
maybe next time
just not right before bed time
i could send you a letter
that's perfect


label it:
missives from the crazy people open at your own risk

only
i guess at christmas time the mail might go too slow
i might not have enough of a window
if it really was critical
but any other time

i never hear from her any other time
right

i'm not coherent

and
i want to touch you
i see myself
running the flat of my palm
across the front of your jeans

and the way i see it
it's not as sexually aggressive
as it is
like
givin props to the heat
maybe it wouldn't be something you'd want me to do
maybe it'd be too much
or not enough
invasive
whatever
but
in my mind
it's both familiar and nurturing
like
a non-verbal
my god i find you so hot right now

when
for whatever reason
maybe it isn't possible
to dance

how is a raven like a writing desk

hey, i love you, slim

i have to get up in about four hours
so no time to write now
but
i'm feeling the urge
so
this is just
a
place
holder