food

so
after i told you my food schedule
my regular food schedule
it had to change

i went to the store
2 different stores, in fact
and all the avocados were rock hard
[i won't buy rock hard avocados
i've had bad luck with them
refusing to ripen properly]
and these were $1 each
so i was extra suspicious
cause they been running over $2

so i had to go to food plan b
which i didn't have, exactly
i was going to buy papaya to have with avocado
i'm trying to up my vitamin a
because i need new glasses
and i am not getting bifocals
even though
i'm kinda afraid i need em
and i'm only getting maybe 500% rda now
but
no papaya either

i was kinda angry at the grocery
you're glad you weren't there
i was seething a little
oh, because also
i had convinced myself to get some good belly
which has been recommended to me by several sources
but it's a lab created strain of bacteria
and it's dairy
and then i couldn't get avocados
so i needed lunch food
and they didn't have good belly either


so i just got old fashioned yogurt
well, nonfat
and prayed it wasn't going to cause joint pain
i got frozen blueberries to go in it
cause i needed orac scale

so far it's ok

i do think it's kinda funny
i've been eating all these cantaloupes
and
at first
i didn't realize
they were making people sick
i just realized they were cheap, and i needed a bunch of fruit
then
i figured i knew where they came from
and it wasn't colorado
but now, it turns out
they didn't come from where i thought they did
so
who knows
i may have been exposed
but i seem fine to me

also funny
my clothes are all loose
well, looser
[they were mostly already loose]
and
i can see changes to my body
since i started upping my fruit substantially
but
i haven't lost any weight at all


i guess 15-20 servings of fruits and vegetables will have a positive impact
and i'm not seeming to need as much protein
although
i'm not really sure how much i'm getting
but i'm stronger i think
can lift heavy objects
and maybe my muscles are getting a little more defined
so maybe
i'm converting some fat to muscle

don't know

trying to really look at myself
naked
still not happy with what i look like
but
very happy with the changes
as i notice them

things i saw today when i closed my eyes

i was doing this meditation thing i do
which sometimes
gives amazing results
but sometimes
yields nothing what-so-ever

and
for a while now
hasn't

but
today
and i did it several times
was so
beautiful

i saw
pulsing daisies
like blind jellyfish
bellowing out, contracting in
with some hidden undulating energy

i saw
the arc de triomphe
rising from the street
careening around
all teacups and tilt-a-whirl

i saw
my pregnant belly
and it wasn't that huge, i'm long-waisted
i used to see this all the time when i'd meditate on you, on us
but for quite some time now
i either didn't see it
or i didn't really see it, i'd just remember what it looked like when i had
but i saw it today
and you touching the bump
then
the skin ruffled back
peeling away
a georgia o'keefe flower
and a blinding light spilled out
like the baby was the sun

and this song was playing
a song i don't know
in a mesmerizing
sing-song
french
i saw a field
of grass-could-not-be-greener green, far as the eye could see
and a blanket, picnic
with a man and a woman and two small children
clamouring happily
a big jumble
laughing
so happy
alive
and maybe the camera pulled back
or maybe the blanket soared across the green
until they were hard to see

the music stopped


it made me really happy


i don't know
maybe
i should imagine us, just us
maybe
it's wrong for our spawn to be so
central to the vision or fantasy or whatever
but
i can't help it
and i don't know
if that's supposed to be predictive or what
because i don't consciously believe that two is gonna happen
but i clearly
saw
two

boring stuff

remember when i ordered those supplement powders
well
i still have most of the earth and vitamin c powders
so
i guess they are not so great as i thought
but
i opened a new bottle today
of macaforce
i have it in my breakfast smoothie every day
cantaloupe + banana + almond milk + macaforce
it's excellent
i have an apple for a snack
and usually an avocado and something for lunch
that's pretty consistent from day to day

sometimes
i have whole grain toast with peanut butter
for
one or the other of those meals
and a few times
i've had something different
but
mostly the same things
and
i seem to like that
and
i'm getting a pretty high nutrient load

i'm finding that i'm craving pancakes
and chips and salsa
and pizza
and generally
things from the more refined carb category
and i went through this a little while ago
they make me feel bad
but i still want them

i figure
i must need something
that i'm not getting
hence the cravings, but it can't really be carbs
so
my theory is
too much fruit makes my body slightly uncomfortable
and it craves the more junky foods to mitigate those symptoms
but then those make me feel sick
gummed up and heavy

so what i need to do is
figure out how to eat something nutrient dense
that will mitigate the fruit, because it's the swinging out of whack
that makes me swing the other direction, blah blah blah, whatever

you take care of yourself
get enough sleep and stuff
very important for your health
i love you
and i want you to be healthy
be careful
stay hydrated

you
burn bright for me, my darling
through any distance
a star
in
the night sky

dreams and feelings the last few days

so last night i dreamed and dreamed

it was quite involved
i had to do some sort of training
so i spent my time
preparing
what i would wear
body language
projecting confidence
but
then
it turned out
there was no lesson plan
i was just supposed to use my experience

great
i so would have used the time
to plan out
what
to say

and there were so many forms of running water

because
in reality
it rained all night


and the last few days
i keep thinking i can feel you
maybe you're happy
maybe you're creating things
maybe you're thinking about me

i don't know
and
i vacillate
sometimes
i think you're unhappy
or maybe i upset you somehow
[hopefully not]

but i think i'm just projecting
i feel a little volatile


and i asked for a sign

it rained all day

and
i was outside with a friend of mine
it wasn't raining very hard
we went in
and another girl asked
how come you got wet [to my friend]
and [my name here] didn't get wet
i got wet, i said
i just look wetter because my hair got all greasy from the rain
[insert some conversation about frequency of hair washing]
i don't wash my hair every day, i say, not nearly
how often do you wash it
about once a week
[disgusted looks of disbelief]
how do you get away with that
i have dry hair
what day are you on
six
do you wet it every day
well, it gets wet in the shower, a little but i'm trying not to
and then what?
you just scrunch it a little and it looks like that

yes

i don't like you very much anymore



so
i don't know
i guess i still have good hair


i love you

friday

i don't remember
exactly what they were about
something about lovers and files, somehow
and this morning i am obsessed with the idea that, somehow
you will find what i wrote last night discouraging and sad, which
it wasn't intended to be

and
even though
i don't remember the dream clearly at all
i remember
the color
it was
a pewter colored dream

pewter
of the candlesticks i bought
to celebrate shabbat
with you

surely
that's a happy sign

surely
i worry too much

may you be inscribed. and all that
but, really
you're grown around my soul
a strong black vine

and becky thatcher
dances in the okemah moonlight
watch her twirl boys watch her twirl
in the inky darkness
like the tips of her pigtails

oh tom, why

i haven't written you in so long, i hope you know i still love you

you know
it's really weird
i used to remember my dreams
but, lately
even when sometimes i know i've had them
sometimes even tell myself i've got to remember them
by the time i'm awake
they're gone

the only one
that i can remember
i don't really want to remember

at least
not some of it

i came to see you
you were some fancy financier or something
with a big regency office and assistants and stuff

anyway
i finally got in to see you
and you did exactly like i have always wanted you to do
you looked deeply into my eyes and told me that you love me

but
then just when my heart started to go pitty-pat
you did the thing i fear the most

you said the thing i thought you said that time before
but then maybe didn't really mean to say that time
you thought i was in the room with you
and i had orchids in my hair

and
i love you so much
and it feels so different now
it's hard to explain
like
i've imagined you into every cell of my body
like
even though
i never see you
i never talk to you
i never am quite sure
you aren't really a figment of my imagination

you're with me
always
everywhere
the one
to whom i narrate the story that runs continually forever in my head

the one
i always knew was there, somewhere
i can remember knowing you were there
when i was eight years old
too young to associate any romantic allusions to you
you were just the other part of me
the twin i was supposed to have, but didn't

and you were what
twice my age
and living
a world
away

did you even know i was there, i wonder

when
did i begin to exist for you

and
how


and
as corny as it might sound
i've started thanking god for you, every day
even with the curse
even if the dream is true

it makes no sense not one bit not at all
but
i feel right somehow
because
i know
it's
you

i busted out the adya clarity

i've been feeling like i might be getting sick
i've been around a lot of sick people
and i thought it was all done
and i was through it
but maybe not

i'm out of emergen-c, and anyway i switched
to the natural vitamin c powder
and i've been on this fruit thing
but the fruit has drawbacks
so i've had some wheat
which maybe now has
drawbacks too

i
don't claim
to have all the answers

but
last year in december
i got really sick and i needed, something
and adya clarity is what i had
and it seemed to help

so
black mica
do your re mineral goodness
and i haven't been eating anything
for about 6 hours after i get up
just to kinda extend the fast before breaking it


i just got a mental image
a whole wall stacked with firewood


not sure what that means

i need to go to sleep
i have to get up
really early

love
me

i've had a headache all day and i'm not sure why i'm still awake

i think i might be getting sick
or my neck might be slightly out
or
maybe the bread [seeduction]
and pasta
i've had recently are no longer ok for me
maybe i'm celiac and just don't know it
but
i feel weird, physically

i hope
everything is good with you
healthy
and
happy

i hope
everything you've ever dreamed of wanting
all comes true for you

think healing energy my direction, pretty please pumpkin
i don't want to get sick

you created something just a few hours ago, i could feel it

it was strong
so either
i've started having seizures
or
eating pasta with puttanesca sauce makes me come
or
you made something

it's talking

the other day
before i left the house
i asked for some sign that would make
everything make sense

i specified, of course, that i wanted no car signs
what i wanted was something from the natural world


i was going to meet a friend for dinner
i was going early to avoid, as much as possible, traffic

i saw that borders was in it's final days sale
and i've looked at some books at that specific location before
i thought i'd see if any of the jewish books i'd liked were still there, for cheap
this is all background, really

i went in
went upstairs
the entire jewish section
wiped clean of books, entirely
i stopped to look on the re shelving cart
and
right there
on top
is a deck of medicine cards


now
i'm pretty sure
i once had a deck of medicine cards
but they've never surfaced in the last ten years
so they've gone somewhere
and
my mom keeps telling me she has a deck she'll give me
but
she never does
and i just keep not buying another one, but
i want it

so i check the deck
and it's all there and everything

and
it's gotta be a sign
that place looked like locus hit it
and that was just right out there


and
of the natural world, ok, maybe a stretch, but it depends, maybe not
but
how does that make everything clear


it could mean:
everything will come to me when it's supposed to, effortlessly

it could mean:
i'm not really ever gonna be jewish
i can use a more or less jewish framework of metaphor
but i'm really something way less structured by nature


it could mean:
it's talking to me
it loves me
wants me to be happy, give me gifts
but it can in no way make everything clear
[what am i thinking even asking for shit like that]

i did a reading
and it said, basically:
you don't need to know anything, clearly
making sense is not something for you to focus on
you need to learn what you know
salmon, bear
moose, buffalo
you want everything to not only make sense
you want it to be poetry
alligator
and
what you keep bucking against
coyote
you don't actually need the answers
and even when you thought you were slightly separated from me
it's like you should compare that to what normal people have
just for perspective
trust me more
swan


the woman who cut my hair
we were talking
she got a tarot reading from an old jewish man
she was specific about it
apparently that is an odd juxtaposition, not sure why
he told her if she moved back she would die
and
she had all these problems with her son
and she had tried to kill herself
so she hadn't really just moved back
what she had done was just get back up and running

and
she said
that it was really amazing
because
she had prayed
like the night before and just that day
for her old customers to come back
because she lost them when she moved away

and then

i just called

out of the blue

i love you

happy thoughts, love you

it's like i can feel you thinking about me

it's got

like

a happy bounce to it

does that make any sense

don't know

hopefully, that means everything is going really great for you there

take good care of yourself

i started to say

take good care of yourself, pumpkin

i like pumpkin as a general endearment, it's goofy

not any goofier than ma petite chou chou [for example]

but then

my little chew toy popped into my head

which is kinda dirty

so

you pick

folksy or kinky

i go both ways

i'm thinking of you

weirdly synchronous daybreak hair salon

so
i decided
i'm cutting my hair
but i don't want to look up my friend
because i don't want to spend a bunch of time
explaining myself
and what i've been doing with my life
with big gaps i can't fill in, and etc

but
at the same time
i want someone i know is an artist
so i remembered
i got my hair cut short back in 1997
and
i wasn't ready for it
but she did a beautiful job
so i looked her up online, found a number

but
who knows if she's still there or what
so i call
i get a message
but it just has her first name
no salon mentioned
but
whatever
i leave a message
she calls me back:

are you a client
well, you cut my hair once
years ago
but i looked you up online and found this number

i just moved back from california

so thursday
at 2:30p
i'm getting my hatr cut

fingers crossed

i'm going to just sort of ramble because i feel like talking

so
to start
if i cut my hair like this
do you think it'll look good on me


cause
i almost wanna do this
and it'll do this if i cut it this short
with a LOT less work
but i'm afraid to go this short



at least i think it still will
might be too thin anymore

i know i was just talking about a bonnet
but i can't wear a bonnet
and i'm sick sick sick
of what i've been doing for years
and it's too long
it irritates me

but
if i cut it short
it'll be harder to pull back
into a ballet bun
and i like that look

i guess it'll grow back though


ok
so i got all caught up
in looking at hair styles
and listening to this one song
and drinking this new wine
well, new to me
durigutti bonarda [argentina]
i'm trying out four different south american wines
only two tonight

santa alicia anke blend 2 [chile]
they make a carmenere that is one of the best
if not the best
i've ever had
and blend 2 is 55% that
15% shiraz
30% petite verdot [which i've not experienced before]
and
i just don't like it
maybe it needed to breathe more
but the leather and tobacco notes
were kinda over the top
especially since i wasn't really expecting them

[i let it breathe more and it's better]

the bonarda is completely new to me
and to be honest
i was thinking it was too acid for me
it certainly sucked with my salmon with brown rice and peas dinner
but now that it has breathed for hours
i still don't like it as well as the cheaper stuff
i usually drink
but
i'm appreciating it
it makes me want to try dolcetto
the italian grape progenitor of argentine bonarda

the other two are root 1 cabernet sauvignon [chile]
[and i don't normally like cabernets although i do like bordeaux
but i've had it recommended highly]
and tabali reserva syrah [chile]
which, if i don't like, i might cry
i really should like it

whatever
i had all these thoughts running around my head
but i'm not very focused this evening
even before the wine

i wonder if you'd like these wines
and
it's all i can do not to bust open the other two
this would be better with two
because
more wines are better for tasting
but 93 open bottles
kinda sucks

[actually more breathing is better for blend 2
it's bringing out some floral notes, hmmmm]

sitting on the floor by a fire
drinking wine with you
that sounds
so good

weird stuff i think about

i've been thinking for a while
about covering my hair
i don't really know why
it's just something i'm starting to want to do

and you might think
i'd want a tichel
or something
and
i maybe want to want that
because what i really want
is like
weirder

http://jas-townsend.com/product_info.php?cPath=9&products_id=999

and
if i'm honest
maybe

http://mennonitemaiden.com/garden-apron.html

only
not not with some kind of prairie dress

with something like

http://www.robinsnestonline.com/home.cfm/page/Products/Category/38_Flax_Ltd_2011_SALE!/Product/601/Flax_Plentiful_Pant_.html

but
i like this too
[not the flowery skirt, i'm thinking with those pants]

http://jas-townsend.com/product_info.php?cPath=2&products_id=913

but it's the bonnet that started the whole thing

and this one's nice
because
it doesn't tie under the chin
and it doesn't look
mormon
or
mennonite
or
amish
or whatever
it looks
revolutionary american
or
revolutionary french

but
how
can i get away with wearing that
i bet
it'd even look good on me

every time i go to some historical place
i have to fight the desire to buy a bonnet
and they are usually calico
which makes it easier
i had some
back in the 70s
when i got away with it fine
but i was a kid

i don't know why i want to dress like that

where does that come from

i don't know why but i feel the need....

i gotta tell you
some more stuff

i invented a new salad dressing
without any oil
it's sort of an onion poppyseed
except it wasn't specifically a vidalia onion
and i used black sesame seeds

i juiced the onion
i mixed in about a teaspoon of
really sweet iowa honey
some white pepper
some mesquite seasoning
and a splash of apple cider vinegar
celtic sea salt
black sesame seeds

it was really good

in my juice
i had collards
celery
hatch chili
lime

i did break down and have a little tiny bit
of popcorn popped in coconut oil


it's possible that the maca is extra strong
i am kind of longing for you
in a really physical way

and my mood's been a little sketchy for the last few days
i guess i'm premenstrual or something
which hasn't been an issue for a while
but i've been all dark-thought-y
and
forever from a distance-y-angst-o-rama

so then
any heightened arousal
works all that into it
and becomes
almost maniacally passioned
not all gentle
more
now now now

and the fantasy
is more
shirt tearing
and pushing you up against a wall

and
i've been told
that is slightly frightening

for the timid, i say
but you've got balls

you won't be frightened by desire
you already know i find you mountable
and never mind the whole insatiable thing
i'm totally not a succubus, i swear, however....

earth

ok
so my stuff came today
and i love love love love vitamineral earth

it smells like thanksgiving
and
i made a smoothie with:

cold pu ehr tea
coconut milk powder
1 banana
coconut oil
macaforce vanilla spice

and it was good
except
he recommends starting with a teaspoon
and
i wanted to taste it more
so i put a tablespoon
so i may have detox symptoms or who-knows-what

but
although it won an award for best raw smoothie mix
he recommends a tea or broth
heat releases more phyto-nutrients from the roots and herbs
so
it may end up being something i mix with miso
or
i'm not sure yet

and
i need a good mushroom blend
preferably with chaga
and that would go perfectly

the macaforce is good
but
i'd gotten used to the taste of maca
we'll see if it's more potent, or not

the acerola cherry
i didn't try it on it's own
i just mixed it into msm
in which it is vile
which one might expect
but it doesn't have much flavor, i think

i might try pure synergy's radiance c, next time
it is a blend of camu camu and amla berry and something
should be more tart

and pure synergy has mushrooms and chinese herbs in it
vs vitamineral green
but
i'm pretty sure i bought some of that
back in 1995 and didn't take it
i've got a huge bottle of spirulina right now
this is why i get the amazing grass tablets
when i mix the spirulina in the smoothie
it tastes like scummy scummy fish water


oh
i almost forgot
i had cantaloupe juice for breakfast
it is excellent
i knew i liked watermelon juice
but i've always been so-so on the cantaloupe
but they were 5 for $5, and super ripe
and i've been putting them in the morning smoothie
or eating them for lunch
or whatever
they're low calorie and really high in A and C
they also have B and folate and etc

melon is very cleansing
but
food combining
[which i still have not really managed to wrap my head around
even though i've known about it for like 30 years]
says to always eat melon by itself

so anyway
i really want food
i may have some salad later
or soup
but
soon
i'm gonna have some green juice
i've got collard greens
not sure what i'll have with them
celery for sure
but maybe carrot
or
i have some tomato

exciting stuff
take care of yourself
i love you

juice

today i decided to juice
i often don't
it's expensive and messy
and then i always feel the need
to do something with the pulp
which takes time

what i really want to do
is a 30 day juice fast
but
i'm not sure i can do that
for various reasons
so i'm only committing to working more juice into the mix

so today
i made a pretty passable borscht juice:

4 small beets
1 bunch of celery
2 large lemons

a juice that made me feel like i was drinking chocolate milk:

1 small bag of carrots
1 large cucumber

i'm not sure how it was chocolate milk-like
it wasn't chocolate-y, obviously
but i've never liked carrot juice much, too sweet

then i made a zinger cooler to go with my salad for dinner:

romaine lettuce [maybe 7 large leaves]
1 bunch of celery
2 limes
1 large hatch chile



i think i may take one or two of the pairs of shoes back
i really like the rykas

and i ordered some healthforce nutritionals products today
[it was only a matter of time, right]
vitamineral earth and macaforce vanilla spice
and an acerola cherry powder [vitamin c]

i got pretty good prices on them

the vitamin c
i'm gonna see if it makes me feel better than emergen-c
since maybe whole food vitamins are better
the maca is supposed to be extra potent
but i think i really bought it as much for the
flavor and synergy [other ingredients]
i use maca regularly
but my thinking was
i'd mix the maca and the earth with a banana
and maybe some almond or coconut milk
and my coconut oil
and have a kind of coffee/chai/esque breakfast smoothie
the acerola powder and the msm seem like obvious pairs as well

i didn't buy vitamineral green
which is like their flagship product
or cornerstone
or whatever
but
it was already getting kinda pricey
and history has led me to believe
that i will not drink green powder


anyway
i don't know why
but i'm falling asleep now
so i'm going to bed
thinking of you

i got new shoes

those shoes i got a while back
the l.a. gear step-n-tone
they died
but they got worn almost every day
and they only cost $20
so i am not displeased

i got three pairs to replace them
that wasn't my plan
my plan
was to go back to ross
try to get another $20 pair
but i went to tjmaxx instead
because it's close
and i thought it'd be extra crazy
for the tax-free
so i didn't want to drive in traffic too

i tried on a bunch of different kinds
and the thing is
i used to only wear
what would i call them
fitness shoes
for fitness activities
the rest of the time
i'd wear sandals or clogs or mules
but i have taken to wearing the step-n-tones
all the time

which i kept thinking was funny
my whole life i hate lacing shoes
think "tennis shoes" are ugly
now
i want to be able to switch out
and two of the pairs are white, basically
my step-n-tones were black

the first ones i found were
RipaRykä
and i loved them at first feel
they are like barefoot, but with heel support
they are actually running shoes
and kinda girly looking
but i really like em

the second are saucony prestige [run-neutral]
which i didn't know because the had no booklet
but i researched them online after the fact
they just felt shock-absorbing
and stabilizing
and light

but then i was all like:
um, hello, you wanted to be getting a step/tone type shoe
and new balance had one that was claiming great stuff
[balance board technology, 39% more engagement, blah blah]
and reebok had one [easytone] that wasn't really claiming anything
but the reebok was more comfortable
and like the old ones
so i got it

i meant to spend about $50 for one pair
and i spent $100 for three
but i think it'll be better for my feet to switch out

and i think i prefer to buy them cheap
i have some $200 fitness shoes that look great
but rub my feet when i, oh say walk in them
that i've had for years
and i have some $300 mephistos that i may have resoled someday
but they're heavy and hot

old model half priced ones work better for me at this stage
the only thing is
the expensive ones
didn't come with ethical considerations

but my feet won't hurt




i love you
and
i don't know if it is appropriate for me to say this
but
i'm proud of you