with myself
because
I don't want to miss the opportunity to
SEE you in person
because
life is uncertain
& the opportunities you miss
are missed
BUT
I was balancing the
potential to do
HARM
to you
to me
I thought before last february
that I couldn't do harm
that we were
SOLID
BUT
I hurt you
& it was a process
I had to go through
BUT
I hurt you
I KNOW
I'm NOT at the stage YET
where I am the person
I AM going to be
SO
I KNOW
I will NOT gracefully
manage the situation
& I fear
I will make things worse
BUT
I had worked myself
AROUND
BUT
the driving
on ice
I'm NOT good at THAT
SOME of my MOST stressful experiences
AND
I THOUGHT about
what the state of me
was likely to be
& I couldn't
IMAGINE
it would be manageable
LAST YEAR
I feel like I was barely
HUMAN
I remember driving
NUMBLY
& CRANKING the
HEATER
in the room to like 82 degrees
TRYING to FEEL
NORMAL
I don't want to
feel bad or crazy or cold flash-y
I WANT to be
LOVING & RADIANT
is this the rational argument I think it is
OR
is it some elaborate justification
is the daddy issues lesson
do what you need to do for you
TRUST that he loves you
ENOUGH to NOT hold it against you
I THINK that's the LESSON
BUT
HOW sh*tty is it
that you're
STILL
WORKING on
those daddy issues
& that you
are SOME little g*RL with him
in a way
DEVELOPMENTALLY challenged
as it were
well
I agree it's not great
NOT ideal
NOT really what you WISH you were offering
BUT
isn't it KINDA the way sh*t WORKS
HUMANS
are messy
BROKEN//UNFINISHED
and you can't offer yourself as
anything other than what
you ARE
JUST try
NOT
to fall into the mental traps
you've fallen into before
do what you think is best
& KNOW
there is NO perfectly right answer
EITHER thing you choose
there will be
THINGS
you will WISH you had done the
OTHER thing
YOU HAVE to DO
WHATEVER you DO
KNOWING
that WHEN you are faced with
REGRETS
ALL you will have is
I made the best decision I could at the time
with the information and capacity I had available to me at the time
THAT is the SAME
it's ALWAYS been that way for you
& it isn't any different now
I'm sorry
that you thought
SLEEPING on it
was gonna
produce
MAGIC
HERE
is the magic
YOU are the one
punishing yourself
HE is NOT pressuring you
THREATENING to
WITHHOLD love
HE
is
HOLDING SPACE
for you
❤️
