Well I'm here working with her today

And she gave me some s*** about throwing something away that I had a discussion with her beforehand about throwing away

So she doesn't even remember which thing she's approved throwing away

And I was telling her I think we should keep this it's like an elfa type metal drawer unit thing I was telling her I think we should keep it because we can fit more art supplies into that in a smaller footprint than in the other way and we were having some discussion about it and then she ended by saying well we'll do whatever you want to do cuz you're in charge

And I'm like I'm in charge huh

And she's like except if throwing things away I'm absolutely in charge of what we're allowed to throw away

So I don't know how you're supposed to empty a hoarder house full of crap without throwing anything away

And I was making owing noises when I was getting up and down from the I'm sitting on kind of a hard stool and it's it's hurting my hip my hip has had almost I thought almost gotten back to normal after all the weird double shift working last week

But apparently all it takes is sitting on a really hard wooden stool that's probably not exactly the right height for you to be sitting on to really jack it up

So I was saying ow and she's like what's wrong and I'm like oh no my hip just hurts whenever I get up or sit down because it's all jacked up

And she came in and like gave me a weird smile

And it reminded me of when I was a teenager and she used to just come into the bathroom and look at me say she was doing tattoo checks I wasn't allowed to lock the door and she could come in anytime she wanted cuz I guess I wasn't allowed to have any privacy

And so she came in and gave me a weird smile for being in pain I was just like what

And she went away and then like 45 minutes later I asked her if she had any kind of painkiller and she did in fact have some arthritis strength Tylenol so I took one of those cuz I already took two Tylenol earlier and I don't want to shut down my liver or anything

And she's like what's wrong with you

I'm like my hip is all messed up

And she's like why and I'm like from when I was working last week

And she's like did you fall or something

And I'm like no

See she's sitting in a chair she finds comfortable and shredding things which involves sticking them into a shredder that's at pretty much the right height for her to just stick them in without bending or anything

But everything here involves spending or standing or something

and you know I might have f***** it up Jimmy and myself in and out of the closet that doesn't open very wide with bags of trash I don't know

But you know I don't have good hips they get jacked up pretty regularly I don't know why it's a big surprise

But I was like no I didn't follow anything they're just jacked up

She's like well I'm not trying to invade your privacy or anything I'm just trying to take care of my precious daughter

I just wish I mean when she said stuff like that before it sounded fake to me

But now I don't believe I don't even believe that she sees me as a human being so it seems doubly fake

I mean even if she wasn't my mother even if she was just my boss or something and I was talking about house completely stressed out I was at all the stuff that needed to be done it would not have been the correct approach to say oh you're upsetting me with your upsettedness so if you're going to keep talking I'm going to set the phone down and walk away and not listen to anything you have to say

But that just seemed like the correct thing to say and we've never had any further conversation about it not like hey are you okay not like hair you any less stressed not like hey I'm sorry I just got really overwhelmed and that wasn't right I should have listened to what you had to say nothing just nothing

So she's got the absolute authority on what gets thrown away I don't know how she even thinks that works would work

I don't understand how she thinks she can have no storage and throw nothing away and have any room to walk in the apartment

But I hope I become one of those little b****** and she won't ever speak to me again because that would be my dream

I would rather never speak to her again and have to go back in that house and do anything else right now

I don't see how this is closure for me I don't see how this is a good closure good psychological thing for me to be like oh yeah my mother never really saw me as a person at all