Today's affirmations
Today-- constructive conversation with Ann.
Today-- More Energy!
Today-- Magic!
When I woke up there was a text on my phone letting me know that my mother had gotten home, but instructing me to call her
Now when I saw this text it was like one something in the morning and I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't go back to sleep so I'm up now but I couldn't text her at 1:00 something in the morning
And she could want to talk to me about literally anything because although she knows that I would rather text and hate talking on the phone she might want to tell me about the open studio meeting which was either Monday or Tuesday night
She could want to talk to me about where something is that was in the area that I cleaned packed whatever
She could want to be asking me to take the trash can down to the curb when I come in this morning or she could have looked in the trash can and seen that there are no bags of trash and made the realization that I could not have cleaned to big areas without amassing any trash at all, although she did whatever she did last week without a massing any trash at all, except for whatever shredded trash she had which she puts those in the chute on the way in to her apartment
Or she could be wanting to talk to me about when I think we can schedule the movers to come in and how much of an extension she should ask for from the guy that bought the house and stuff like that
Possibly the studio meeting was last night though so probably that's what she'll want to talk to me about
We do need to have a talk about the mover though because the first week of August he's only available like Monday and Tuesday and she's got the house until the 8th, I think, which is I think the following Monday so if he's available that day we could probably have that be the moving day although that's pushing it it was not helpful that I was out for that whole week pretty much with my hip
If I had realized the actual situation from the beginning I think we could have long been done with this, but she wasn't honest and that shouldn't surprise me but it does or did or it came as a surprise somehow
If I had realized that my real assignment was I had to do all of it while somehow magically making it look like I wasn't throwing anything away and getting rid of like 2/3 of the stuff I think my brain would have exploded I don't think I could have handled that information back in April
You may have noticed that I called her Ann up top
In real life I don't actually call her anything because she will only answer to Mommy which is what I called her when I was little but haven't been able to bring myself to call her in public anyway for a very very long time so I just talked to her and don't call her anything I can't remember the last time I called her anything when I talk to other people about her I call her my mom
But I had to call Deborah mother so Ian won't answer to anything except Mommy
And since I'm not actually calling her what I call her I may as well call her by her actual name
Plus it graphically represents the new alienation I feel from her
And I think I've been calling my father my father or Bobby instead of daddy which is what I called him
Anyway I just spent like 30 minutes doing that so I need to kick it into gear now I'm going to have some coffee
My head hurts though That's not good I already took two Tylenol when I woke up at like midnight
My plan is to try to break my 5-hour record
Generally by the time I work 5 hours I'm so exhausted I'm lucky if I can stay awake for a few hours which is why the two shift thing was seeming like such a good idea
But that was when she was leaving at like 5:30 so I could get in there and work like 6:00 to 10:00 and get home and still have time to sleep to get up and go again but now she's going really late and she's staying until you know 8:30 or something and it doesn't make any sense for me to sleep and then get up and then drive 30 minutes over there to work like you know an hour an hour and a half and then 30 minutes back and then barely have time to sleep to get up and do it again it's just not just doesn't make any sense aside from the working there at night giving me the heebiejeebies
So I really need to be able to work longer shifts and that just hasn't been possible
So today I'm going to try to go long
