i might be ready to be rich, my back hurts

i been feelin ya

more like
old school
so
maybe you're just thinkin of me

I love you
very much

dragonfly speaks [but i don't know what it's saying, yet]

i was out wandering around
i have some clothes
that i really like
that are
maybe
getting close to ten years old
and
i need to find replacements for when they finally give out

so
i'm at the tj maxx
i'm at the ross

at the tj maxx i find this skirt i think is perfect
but, it doesn't fit me
and, although they have three, they are all the same size

as much as i shop here, i say to the fitting room woman
it embarrasses me to have to ask
do you have a way to see if there are any of these at another store
i need a bigger size
i am willing to drive to another store
no, she says
we don't have a way to check that

i contemplate driving to another store
it's a long black linen drawstring skirt

i do find a fairly light weight linen knit jacket
i love knit linen, and silk
they're both hard to find

i go to ross
and i never look in the jewelry case
i don't really wear fashion jewelry, costume it used to be called

but
i see something
am immediately drawn to
it's a stainless steel dragonfly
it has a vaguely cross-like feeling
or like the T in brave new world, i think

it's another entrance of the dragonfly totem
and, strangely
i can't remember what it was supposed to symbolize, exactly

since it reminds me of iconography
i tell myself
i should just use this as an exercise
to finally invent that religion i've always thought i should

if i ever want to get rich, i used to say
i'll start my own religion
that's where the money is

and i was only kinda kidding
but
i don't know
if i really want to be responsible for all that

but i've been wearing it
and
it feels like a religious symbol to me

so
i guess
i'm supposed to figure that out

and
i always say
i was raised as nothing, but
i'm not sure that's true
i think
my dad
and my environment in general
was pretty much new age

and
probably
you've known that all along

i found this necklace

i have this other thing for you
but it's not, right
i keep going down little pathways filled with glitter
that, distract

it's got to do with totems

i haven't been saying much

i've started several things
this one's my favorite, i think

i've had
a bunch of thoughts

wait, right now, high
thoughts
can't keep up

but we've had this whole thing, in my head

this intimacy thing
and, my god
you

there is loud crazy music, wait, there was something about that
i didn't tell you yet, and it's gone

the emotion machine, and hell, that other machine, the religion one
do androids dream of electric sheep
there, got that down
but i missed that other


not to mention the whirl of thoughts

i'm not sure
what to write, what you'd like to hear
i felt you all day yesterday
but it was different
i'm not sure how to describe it
there was something turn of the head about it

i'm not sure what that means, i just feel that's what to say

and i needed to go to bed early
because i'm time shifting
for promo change
i needed to go to bed at 8pm and get up at 2am
but i didn't
i stayed up til 3:30am and slept til 6am

so
tonight i need to go to bed at like 5pm
and get up at 1:30am
it's gonna be an interesting week
i usually really dread these
but i'm kinda looking forward to it

feelin ya again

different, though
you just made me do
this stretchy twisty thing
like a wind sock
if that makes any sense

i've been feelin ya all day papi

why am I feelin ya now

something about a hotel room and something about a tent

is all I can remember
I hope you're happy and healthy
and that
I didn't extinguish anything
with my talk of pores
I know
that shit isn't hot
but
well
whatever

I love you
and tonight
I'm gonna try to go to bed early
see if I can catch you in the garden

i love you

i am having a hard time feeling you
it's weird
it's like an old timey long distance call

but
the movies
the movies rollin through
my god

i love you very much

sleep tight baby
I'm going to bed now
it's been a weird day
head hurts
I've made my face hurt
trying to deep clean
and picking
I wish I wouldn't
it must be psychological
I guess
I couldn't stop myself
I'm gonna be sorry tomorrow
I'm gonna have a big scabby place
between my nose and upper lip
I removed little tiny beads of
maybe sebum
maybe wax from years of carmex addiction
when I was a kid/teen/young adult
before I discovered burts bees
or, hell, I don't know
maybe the burts bees left residual wax

I have this obsession
I want clear pores

it doesn't make a lot of sense

our meditation garden, thoughts

when i first think about our garden
i think
i think of us tumbling out of a flower
exploding lushness

then next i think there needs to be
some zen capacity

i would tend to construct the garden
upon entering
possibly different each time

send thoughts
in dreams
tonight

what was that american poetic/religious movement

i was thinking about
rose firmament
today
i love that name

and i almost changed my name to that again
but
i love lailah baprachim, shamelessly
the totally synchronistic way
that i can't even remember now
that i found it
to the way that it sounds

the way i pronounce it
i fantasize about correcting the pronunciation of others

when i played the sims
i only ever played rose firmament once
she was in a long line of binahs
i'm not sure how i picked that name
i read a book on the kabalah
that stuck

when i read that book
while i was reading it
i was convinced i grasped kabalah, totally
but
when i tried to explain it
it's like there was nothing there in the splainin place

i don't claim to understand any of it
not really
be there's some mystic poetry in it

but
just now
i was looking up binah
and the new age types link binah with shakti

shakti always made me a little uncomfortable
or rather
the energy of the people who ever said the word shakti
that was too woman an energy

maybe
continuing....

i've been seeing the sign all day

it' this 3D carved
well, ok, maybe not completely 3D
carved blooming rose
kinda stylized and rounded
petals stretching
becoming nearly teardrop
towards the bottom of the sign
and in this quirky almost cursive script
gather ye
I think the name is
rosebud
but
also it might be
the rose
or rosie's
I think
people call it a lot of different stuff

when i was falling asleep

I saw an image of what is have to describe
as a venue
it was split into two
inside
outside
with a dark glass wall between them
inside was dark and brewpub-y
outside was somewhere between
a stadium and a beer garden
and the stage was arranged in such a way
it could be split into two stages
or
it could be one big stage
with indoor and an outdoor seating
it looked
amazing

i'm not really sure what i want the garden to be like

i mean
i kind of want it to be like the garden
you go to
when you meditate
a place of lushness, sensual, sensate

i just got all caught up in the idea
that it was a world where we interact with the world
not just with each other

but
i didn't want to interact with the world
i wanted to feel you

and
i wasn't sure what to write

so
i'm still not sure what to write

something i realized yesterday about the way i am in the world

so
i had a grand tasting yesterday
and i don't set those up, that's my regional manager
but i have to order the quantities and set up the tables
make sure everybody's confirmed
ya know, etc.

so
when i first started doing it
they sent me these crappy people, generally
who didn't have any idea what they were doing
and i couldn't understand
because the guy who had this job before me
he used to periodically get this seven foot tall auto show model

now
i neither need or necessarily want, even
for them to be that beautiful
but, they should be able to do there job
and i was calling every time to complain

so then we got to a general level of competency
i stopped expecting them to actively sell the wine, really
and was pleasantly surprised if they did

any time i got someone good
i wrote something like !EXCELLENT!
on their paper work
and i started getting those as repeats

plus
anyone who is competent
starts looking for events at my store to request
[i know this because they've told me]
apparently
a lot of grocery stores and whatnot
they have to go in to the store
find the thing they are supposed to sample
set it up on a table they schlepped in themselves
put the stuff away themselves

for me
they gotta bring ice and buckets and cups

the cold stuff is chilled
the non chilled stuff is breathing
the product is set on the table and if they are highly likely to need restock
there is a box of it under the table
they have towels and trash cans

they are
in other words
free to devote all of their energy to the task of sampling the wine


so yesterday
three of the six show up like forty five minutes early
one shows up, like, right on time
and two are late
one is maybe ten or fifteen minutes
one is thirty minutes

the fifteen
she just does a good job and whatever

the thirty
she might be in workout clothes
she's mumbling something about changing her shoes
she doesn't know she's supposed to have ice

cindy told me she told you, i say
because the woman who runs the tasters calls me to confirm

oh, well, maybe i just didn't read my email, she says

whatever


so
everybody's set and going
i go to lunch

this is a lot of windup, but this is now the part that's important 

while i'm on my lunch, i get a call from cindy

apologizing


the main guy from her company
who is actually going to be there the next week end
sampling that same mimosa product that sketchy girl is now sampling
because i set that up like two months before with the mimosa rep
because he and i decided people by their easter booze the day before

he texted cindy
and the woman on the other side of sketchy girl
who was there that day for a different company but also works for cindy
she texted her too

oh
and
maybe unrelated, or maybe not

the lady down on the end
who only had one wine, poquito a 375ml spanish moscato
that didn't count in the big wine sale

i gave her four cases of it
and i told her she was at a little bit of a disadvantage
because her wine was not in the big sale
but
that it was super cute and tasty and would make an excellent hostess gift
for people who were going to someone's house for the holidays

and she sold almost three of the four cases

she told me i was like a conductor at a symphony
which kind of surprised me


so
i'm not sure what to call that exactly
gravitas?

beer garden [maybe sounds too much like a business plan]

once i started thinking about beer gardens
i
ultimately
stated thinking about beer gardens
and i have this idea for one, kinda
maybe it's not fully formed
but
it's about the experience

i then want to control and produce everything

but
i'm not sure that's the way to go
i think, if you could pull it off
a curated experience, maybe, works better

at least to start
because then the focus is on the focus

rather than having a kitchen
have a pad for food trucks

and
there's the who tea element, possibly
and, or, comestibles

i'm thinking

everything would have to allign right
but it could be a good idea

fell asleep on sofa again

tomorrow
sorry
nothing tonight
love you vm

i love you

my dream last night went japanese

I can't remember some details that maybe make this make sense, but
there was this show
it was maybe some extreme challenge
because there was
ice coming out of this guys ears
and something coming out of his nose
everyone was watching it
on closed circuit televisions
up on poles in the back yard
which was like a five foot square
surrounded by hurricane fencing
there was this old guy next to me
and he didn't watch
but he kept needing to adjust his
I'm not sure
air conditioner
which was up on a pole too
so he needed to get on a ladder
and somehow I was interfering with this process
he kept complaining about me to anyone who would listen
there were extra pieces to the ritual
with which I was trying to comply
but I kept dropping things
sometimes into other yards
because
I guess
I'm not that good at negotiating a pole
and
that meant the old guy
kinda had a legitimate beef with me
kind of
but
it wouldn't really be a problem
if I just didn't move anything around
while he was trying to work
but he had so much distain for me
he just really wanted me gone

but then
somehow
I turned it around with him
maybe we sponsored these extreme guys
and maybe mine was winning
maybe I made friends with all the local young people
and learned things from them
for example
all those internet pop up adds
that I close automatically without reading them
and special offers
well in this world
all the coolest things anyone had
were from those
they were all perfectly targeted to your needs
and cheap
and beautiful
and awesome

anyway
by the end
the old guy was saying
I had somehow made his ladder
better than new
and he had respect for me

but
I can't explain how


there was also
this tiny little dog
I mean smaller than the tiniest tea cup Chihuahua
maybe four or five inches long
but fully grown
and I was worried about him
because I saw this thing before I went to bed about a dog dying, I'm sure is why
but anyway
I was worried about him
but
the vet said he was fine
and would live a really really long time
since he was so small
so I was crouched down
underneath furniture
petting him
which involved putting my hand over him
and wiggling it slightly
you're a good dog, I said to him
and the doc says you're healthy
you and me
we're gonna be together
a long long time
and he wagged his tail
and he was like a tiny golden retriever
or grand pyranees
with a ten gallon hat
and his tail created a storm, almost

i feel you this morning

I love you, baby

in the beer garden

i tell you
not about my day
my day is banal, not worth mention
i tell you about the glowing lines of my dream
you had written to me
something i read, but now cannot remember

the tarot is the two of cups
and i can breathe again
i'm sorry, i say
that i'm so wicked tangled
i'd like to be the glowing golden maiden, sometimes
but you're not exactly a straight line either
and maybe that's part of the reason
i find you so wildly attractive

you make me angry sometimes, you say
i don't understand why you pull away

yes you do, i chide you gently
of course you do
both because you pull away yourself
and because
really
you must understand the position
or really
maybe range of positions
that i find myself

and, anyway
once i realized you were generous
a fairly recent bit of knowledge
i thought of a very likely scenario for that thing
which i can't tell you about
but which
if you don't have to help me understand
then
i think i get some major leeway too
that's fair right

so
now our meeting place in dreamland is less stark
does it have waitresses
or do we belly up to the bar
i liked the wildness of the campfire
but
it's been almost seven years
and
i could stand a good drink

is there entertainment

and what kind of beer garden is it

is it at a festival
where all manner of crazy people might wander through
or
is it a more serious place
with artists and thinkers
to spread the horizons

and
maybe
you have no idea what i'm thinking
no idea how this all turns out
embrace it
the certainty and uncertainty are both the destiny we weave

maybe it seems like i pulled away just when it seemed like i was getting closer

and maybe that's a little true
maybe I'm a little like a guy that way
but, also
I am extremely paranoid about her
I always think she's reading what I write
and trying to see what I think you said
only
then I thought maybe
I had made it sound like you said
something I didn't actually think you said
and I kind of got into a paranoia loop
I love you

and I am maybe making myself sick again

I can't get untired
and now I seem to have mild food poisoning
I'm a wreck

on the tarot
I keep getting these crazy answers

and my dreams are nuts too
I just want to sleep and sleep
which maybe isn't good

but
if I sound confused
its not about whether i love you
it's got to do with stuff

i have a bad headache and i'm going back to sleep

i'm a little worried at how not good i feel
but the weather is doing weird stuff
i'm not sure if i'm giving you what you want right now
maybe
maybe i'm being all cryptic and weird
i hope
that i'm not making you unhappy

i'm not entirely certain about all the tree references
that seems important

i love you
very very much

the battle on the moon

this one was very long and complex
I was calling superman
who was my sidekick
and telling him
I needed him not to come to the moon to help me
the woman whose sidekick I was and i
could probably handle this threat
and he might need to handle
an unexpected attack
that if anything went wrong
we'd try to stay below the tree line
and
he wasn't gonna get rid of me that easily
I still wanted to be wrapped in the cape with him
but there was a bunch of other story
before the battle
that I'm a little sketchy on
I had another assistant in the lab
there were a lot of stacked liquor bottles
and there was a girl I was trying to recruit
to organize the books
because she had experience with the Dewey decimal system
so
it might have been a post apocalyptic world
not sure
and I was much less sure about my powers
which seemed to be some kind of magic
than I was letting on
I'm not sure who my team leader was
she was a super hero
she was tall
she had a lot of hair
and
she was mostly deterrent
so I wasn't really sure about her either
I wanted superman, bad
I thought there was a good chance
that things could go wrong
but
we didn't even know what this woman wanted
and
we really thought she was feeling us out for weakness
so we couldn't show any
and even though I was her sidekick
I was in charge of the colony
and I loved all those people
so
I really did want superman
looking after them
because I had total faith in him

try to get this down before i forget

the part I must remember
she was getting presents
and I knew what one of them was
it was this clear Lucite rectangle
filled with like sand and shells
or branches and seedpods
or whatever, ya know, like adult snowglobes
she was getting one of those that I knew of
but then
the other gift she was getting
was the exact size and shape
oh, if I was writing this, I say to whoever
that part's already gone-ish
it was my partner
like business partner
but
it may have been non-profit
we were trying to start something up
some competetion

oh, if I this
both boxes would be exactly the same scene
but they would each have different word dice
like magic 8 ball stuff
and she would pick the dice that
suited her better
like, in the end, she was choosing her own destiny

there was also a scene
location, really
that I really felt like you were scouting
like, no, not the campfire, here
it was one of those outdoor
beer garden type settings
wooden picnic type tables
but
they were underneath a huge network
of beautiful gnarled spreading tree branches
they had been wrapped in twinkle lights
rather than strung with those cafe lights
and the effect
when it was dark
was like
a magical forest
like the stars were inside the protective arms
of trees
it was beautiful
and I will happily meet you there
but
I don't think I did meet you there

I think I'm gonna go back to sleep
and see what happens next

fell asleep in the car driving

fell asleep watching wonderfalls

going to sleep now
you probably won't be for a while
and I'm sure you're busy
but
later
when you can
meet me by the campfire
I love you

i wasn't sure

what to say
I felt
strangely
like I didn't want to say anything
but
in kind of a good way, ya know
thinking about things
wondering
what you're thinking

i wondered
what you thought when i called you puppy
what that's wired to
i like that
I've called you nicknames
how do they feel to you
should they be random and relevant
or is it more special
to have pet names

and
i can't believe I've never wondered this before
what do you call me in your head
do you think of me as words or pictures
or both
so curious
can't believe i never wondered that
that's not all that's on my mind
but
that's what I'm saying
right now
where other people can read it

i love you

i slept until the last possible minute, and today kinda sucked at work

so that's why I'm just now writing you
so
I heard you say things to me
like you were in the room with me
that doesn't happen often
but
even if it's all in my head
I like it when you talk
you said
(in case you aren't actually
astrally projecting)
you want to make me happy
well, I want to make you happy
and
you did
very happy
somehow, it was gentle as mist
but still
really hit it
right on

thank you
it was
honestly
different from anything else, ever

i need to grab a quick bite and go to bed

you are on my mind
and
i feel good dreams coming on

i can't explain that
nor can i explain exactly why
i ordered wonderfalls this morning

i really like pushing daisies too

if you haven't seen them
they are worth seeing

and
in the spirit of wonderfalls

let's meet
in dreamland
on one of those boats
like this here


i love you, puppy

i am apparently at a loss for what to title this

my hair's darker
i found this shampoo
it smells so so good
it makes my hair feel good
everything about the experience of this soap
is delicious
oh, did i mention
it has coffee in it

so
it's designed for women with brown hair
which, i didn't have
and it first, i thought, oh well, i'll just
use a different shampoo on the top of my head
that will maintain my white hairs
and my hair color
that i love so much

and that worked
except
i could feel the difference in texture
in my hair
between the one kind and the other
plus
it was a pain in the ass
trying to wash my hair
keeping the two parts separate

and
i really like the dark highlights it's bringing out in my hair
and
i figure
if it stains my white hair
well, i'm growing new hair all the time. right

and just like that
my whole perspective shifts

in the spirit of trying to get more sleep, i just woke up

really, i was up slightly before eight
because i needed to put the trash out
they pick up once a week
which wouldn't be such a big deal
except the dumpsters are pretty far
and since i've been sick
i didn't get the trash out last week
and i haven't schlepped it to the dumpster
so
it was starting to stink

but after that
i lay back down
and went back to sleep

i'm really only now becoming coherent

i dreamed a couple a different things that i remember

before i woke the first time
i had given some paintings to
i'm not sure who she was
ex-landlord, maybe
someone i liked, at any rate
i got a message from her
that i didn't understand
so i went by
and she had transformed the building, completely

she had made the entire bottom floor
into a restaurant and bar
with a screened in patio
leaving only a little room for her to live in

that's what i hadn't understood
she was getting rid of
pretty much everything

she lost some money from the apartment that had been absorbed
but she had obviously increased the value
of the remaining ones
because this was the kind of place you would want to live above
plus
there would be revenue from the restaurant
and bar

it seemed genius


after i fell back asleep
it was some sort of
complicated
something

i'm not sure what to call it
i think there was a war on
but maybe it was some sort of game

i remember targeting
someone being blown up
because they were too close to the target

but then mostly
i remember
being in the water
i guess
we had been dropped
near an island
there was some way to get quickly from one side to the other
but i don't remember exactly what it was
and
we were floating
balanced on those big exercise balls
and
different things were going to appear
like a simulation
yellow shark
purple ray
it was some kind of targeting exercise
again
but
this time it was in a beautiful
lagoon grotto


i don't think
i've ever dreamed about targeting before
or shooting anything even

i can't help but think
that's some sort of message

i love you
good morning, baby
er, afternoon

i should be asleep

I hope you're happy and healthy
and doing good
sometimes
sometimes i wonder
what you thought of me
in those early days
maybe you were just blown away
by the crazy
i'm not so crazy now
but
i don't know
i'm somethin, ya know

i want to say
a bunch of stuff
but
i don't really know what it is
maybe you know what i mean
maybe not

i love you sweetheart
see you in dreamland