I'm not SURE how to describe

my day

it

was

WEIRD 

MAYBE 

HITS different 

my mom was being released 

from the hospital 

& it was

WEIRD 

when the social worker 

talked to me back at the beginning 

she SAID they were 

gonna send her home

in a CAR

I TOLD my mom

I was going to therapy today 

& coming by the hospital 

LATER on today*

*this was before they were planning to send her home today, or before I knew about it

BUT 

then she was all LIKE 

they are sending me home

& I'm LIKE 

find out

if the car is a hospital car

or if they are putting you

in a Lyft*

*they did send her in a Lyft before 

I'm like DON'T ask

if they will have a wheelchair 

JUST ask about the CAR

BECAUSE 

it MIGHT 

make them confused 

& unwilling to send you in a car

I'm like in the history of my 

HOSPITAL adventures 

no one EVER got released 

BEFORE 1pm

& RARELY 

before 3

I'm like 

if they

can't take you in

then you need to make SURE 

it's NOT before 1:15pm

because 

I can't get there

to get the wheelchair 

& wheel it out

to get you

BEFORE 

THAT

she texted me back

some sh*t

about she asked them if I could RIDE with her 

I'm like I'm not gonna be THERE 

I'm gonna be at therapy 

KEEP me posted 

NO update during therapy 

the therapist 

SAID something about 

TODAY being

I can't REMEMBER 

his exact WORDS 

BUT 

the IMPRESSION was

BREAKTHROUGH*

*but I'm not sure if I agree with that 

I'm also not sure what he's doing 

BUT 

I'm CERTAIN that 

he's doing something 

OR

possibly more accurately 

I'm DOING it

but he's 

FACILITATING 

OR

it's a process where I'm doing work

which I couldn't do 

without going 

& explaining 

MYSELF 

I'm not sure 

BUT 

SOMETHING is happening 

& I'm inclined to FEEL 

POSITIVELY 

towards him

the WEIRD thing though

I USED to spend the week

going OVER & over

OVER 

what we talked about 

NOW I can hardly REMEMBER anything 

I THINK that's 

WEIRD 

so she was SUPPOSED to get released 

at 3:30p but it was more like

5:30p

AND I think she

REALLY wanted me to come be there

WAITING with her

BUT 

in addition to it just being

KINDA ridiculous 

to go all the way

to the hospital 

I don't want to explain all the steps 

it just makes EVERYTHING difficult 

& I get a little PTSD

in the hospital 

& I don't want her to get EXTRA attention 

in the hospital 

BECAUSE 

I want her to REMEMBER 

when she's 

f*CKing around and finding out 

NOT taking her water pills

eating sh*t with salt

LYING to ME 

that the HOSPITAL is NOT FUN

SO 

she had a big story to tell me

I don't know if it is true 

it doesn't make sense 

& 

she 

lies

I don't even really want to repeat it

she doesn't 

THINK her leg is 

BROKEN

I watched some videos 

about intj

because that girl said

she gets along with infj

& honestly 

I already had some curiosity

I THINK 

I had developed myself 

at least partially 

into intj when dealing with myself 

& infj when dealing with 

OTHERS

I also chuckled at the 

all the infjs I've known

pretty much

dress all in black

they're kinda 

GOTH

I feel like 

I'm working through 

SOMETHING 

LIKE 

it's gonna HIT me 

BUT 

I'm tired-er than makes any sense 

do you

think I'm pretty

I looked it up

because I was pretty sure

my mother was

WRONG 

sixty percent white

my therapist was in a 

fender bender 

type situation 

so I didn't have therapy today 

TOMORROW 

I have to go to bed now 

goodnight sweetheart 💋

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

I listened to TK

today's episode 

I am watching the Olympics 

in clip

so they aren't boring me

Snoop doing badminton 

was FUN for the

probably less than a minute that I watched 

I LIKE the Olympics generally 

BUT 

this year

I'm watching it

as a METAPHOR 

POLITICS 

& my mother in the hospital 

it's been 

INTERESTING 

HISTORICAL things

are important 

BUT 

you mention the mound height change, right

I cannot stop

being happy that

my niece 

thinks I'm a bad-ass

that's not even a word

I've ever really 

thought of

as 

like

ME

ALSO 

she put it so 

master sage-y

I just keep smiling to myself 

I'm exhausted 

I'm going to bed

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

Like, for example, when I was at Starbucks I was shocked at the amount of racism I had to deal with.  I mean if you've got that stuff in your head, well, that is sad, but if you don't know you shouldn't say it aloud there is something wrong with you.  I had a group of customers from Ethiopia and in Ethiopia they have a very strong coffee culture--  well originally from Ethiopia, then there was the war and about half of them were from Eritrea and that caused problems but eventually most of them were friends again--  and I would get complains:  when are you going to do something about "that element".  I was like, I don't know what you mean.  They're like those black guys that are always sitting out front, don't they have jobs?

Just because there are a group of black guys sitting out front doesn't mean they are the SAME five black guys--  some of them work in the med center and work all different hours, some of them drive cabs, some of them work in parking garage situations, and some of them do other jobs that I don't know about and when they get off work they drive by and if any of their friends are here they stop and have a coffee.  They are, as you point out, "always" here, so THEY are my regular customers--  I don't recognize YOU.

It TURNED my stomach.

(continuing)

There have been so many people through here and only one of all the nurses and doctors and other personnel has been white--  it wasn't exactly a racist statement but I wasn't sure how else to process it.  I thought back from walking in the front door.  It was impossible.  I just don't count.  Maybe no one I encountered working here was white, certainly no one white had stood out enough for me to specify remember them.  There was a woman who had either been rude--  or deaf, or wearing headphones I couldn't see--  was she white, no.  There had been a man I asked directions who had seemed like he might be starting to be specifically unhelpful and then turned friendly at the last minute, also not white.  There was the man at the information desk who gave me a very serious look--  though not as serious as when I was visiting during COVID--  and then was simple and clear with his directions, also not white.  There was the nurse at the nursing station, not white either.  Maybe she was right, but I was uncomfortable with the statement anyway.

She tells me AGAIN how Bob's nephew when to school to become a nurse and then a few years later quit doing that and became a repo man.  When I asked her why she was telling me that again she said maybe minorities are less likely to leave a good paying job.

Yes, I say, maybe whites are soft and lazy.  But I think that most people who go into nursing want to help people, do you know if that's why he went into nursing or did he just think it was a good paying job.  Nursing is a hard job, I don't think I could do it.  AND remember Bob had an adversarial relationship at his work and they were always trying to get rid of him, maybe David had something similar.

We were talking about politics and she's like, well all the minorities will vote for the minority so she should win because whites are the minority.

Is that true, though, that whites are the minority--  I don't think it is and even if it is, what I hear is white fear.

Well, the Democrats have a problem with Hispanics because the Democrats tend to address them as a monolith which they are not, so I think that is not a forgone conclusion.  Black women I think are pretty definitely backing her.  There is an attempt to paint her as someone who put a lot of black men in prison which is it gets traction may affect those numbers, but there was a black men's zoom call so I'm preliminarily saying probably she's got black men.  I was very happy to hear about the white women's zoom call because black women can't always count on white women--  they're kinda fairweather, ya know.  Like white women came out to match for BLM, but then sort of lost interest--  I think it had more to do with the need for a cathartic moment.

You mean everybody just wanted to go outside.

No.  I mean the country was in chaos and everyone was scared and they needed to feel like they were doing something to make things better, but after that was over they didn't maintain interest in Black Lives Matter.

There was something she said, and I wish I could remember what because I said no, I'm sure if that had happened I would have spoken up.  She was shocked.  You would have been shot.  Do you really believe that a cop would shoot me for saying something.  If you see something and you don't say something then you are complicit.

(continuing)

this is sort of outline

to be filled in later

my mother said

there has only been

one white doctor

I thought back

had I SEEN any WHITE people

I wasn't sure 

the hospital was 

different enough 

NOT to send me BACK 

to joan or my father

not TOO bad

AND it was NOT like it was for COVID

in FACT 

there was SOMETHING about it 

that SEEMED 

SPECIFICALLY different 

can't quite put my finger on it

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

😍

my niece just made me happy 

I had texted her

a video 

& I thought maybe it was 

CRINGE 

SO

I was trying to explain 

my thoughts 

I SAID 

I don't want to be OLD 

even if I get chronologically older

she's like

BUT 

isn't old cool

I'm like not if it's how the boomers seem to me

I got a lecture about how taxis is better than Uber

from someone who has 

NEVER used Uber & probably hasn't taken a taxi in 20 years 

it's telling a current person what they should think and do

using a non-existent model of the world

I don't ever want to be THAT 

my understanding of my job

as an old person 

is to tell you what it's like where I'm from

in a way that is relevant to you

and to do THAT 

I have to continue to understand 

what is relevant 

she said 

I believe that when you do get old

as we all must eventually do

you will still be a bad-ass

OH

I lost track of the date

HAPPY BIRTHDAY 🎉🎂🎈🎈🎈

I just woke up

I mean, I woke up earlier

when the alarm when off

had a headache 

& went back to sleep 

the phone woke me just now

because Lucy is trying to 

get in touch with me 

to see if I can work 

an extra day

to help

her

she's got something that was

"thrust upon her"

which either means

something she has to do for someone else 

or something she's gonna get paid for 

like an art project 

the person they hired 

to work on Saturdays can't work 

because she has too much

school work

I texted her back

and said

I can't.  I'm sorry.

She texted back

if Lisa can't work it

could you at least work on Thursday or Friday 

& I'm LIKE 

I MIGHT be able to change the day

but I cannot work two days

which I have said EVERY time 

BUT I added in

that my mom's in the hospital 

because my head hurts too bad

to have a boundary battle

right now

I went to the hospital today 

& I want to write about it 

BUT 

I have a lot to unpack 

& it's not soup yet

goodnight sweetheart 💋

I LOVE you VERY much ❤️

👾🫚

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

👾🫚

💌

I THINK 

it is beneath me

BUT 

I'm REALLY enjoying the COUCH stuff

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much ❤️ 

👾🫚

I'm looping*

*I'm not sure I'm not making that word up there

going through things

AGAIN &

again in my HEAD

seeing SLIGHTLY different 

ASPECTS 

KINDA like 

the SPINNING but slower

& less extreme, maybe 

In fact it all

has a LITTLE bit 

of a tune in

in the new episode of AMERICA 

this SEASON 

whew

that one guy 

got SHOT

& that other guy

the friend of the tech bros

the one tr*mp decided he was winning 

so safely 

that he didn't NEED to balance the ticket

just sell the slot

THAT guy

MAYBE 

he f*CKed a couch

they called 

STEP parents 

FAKE 

&

ACTIVATED 

cat ladies

The security guard at my therapist had some thoughts on the election.  America isn't ready for a woman president.  People are not interested in politics they pay very little attention to anything.  I don't even know whether I think he's right or wrong.

I'm LIKE 

her MOTHER was from INDIA 

her FATHER was from JAMAICA 

they came here as college students 

they WORKED for 

CIVIL RIGHTS 

He's like, yeah all of that is great, but America is not READY for a woman president.  Ok, well, how about you?  Are you gonna vote for her?  He can't vote yet.

I was talking to my mom in the waiting room and I was like I cannot BELIEVE they are doubling down on the CRAZY.  WHO wants this stuff.  It has been an accepted norm for both people to work for like forty years.  People cannot afford not to family plan.  Only the people who have drunk the cool aid are looking for the Comstock act to get a glow up.

Hey, the Republican's Handmaid's tale VIBE is low-key freaking me out.

same*

*I love this one, it was the first Z I ever really learned.  Enrique at WM, I said, you know, I don't like everybody, but I like you.  He said same.  And I didn't know it was Z I just thought HE had a very elegant minimalism for like a twenty three year old.

SO

we've been at the medical emergency clinic

for like five-ish hours

& she's being admitted to the hospital 

fluid retention 

& mild pneumonia 

I want to go back to that story, but I think I want to talk about therapy first.  I feel a little uncertain about it though.

I'm talking to the therapist and I'm like:  I'm feeling less functional.  I want to cry for me and I'm not okay with that.  I feel like that's what my mom tries to get people to do to make people pity her to get them to do things in a manipulative way--  I don't want pity.  I think I'm in a freeze response and my nervous system is so cranked up all the time that I have so little bandwidth...do you know the concept of SPOONS.

Just as a thing you eat with.

OK SPOONS is a concept from the disability community that resonated with me;  it's the idea that you have not a lot of energy to accomplish things and so you have to think of your energy in terms of SPOONS--  how many spoons do you have and what are you going to use them on.

So like this isn't the best example but I go to art supply because I want to feel like I'm maintaining some ability to say I will be somewhere and actually be able to do that.  Also I want to help them because they are older and need help with the cluster they have going on, and there are some aspects of their personalities that are things I know I have that I find undesirable and seeing them and how they feel from the other side makes me aware of how I need to change.

BUT I can't handle the stress of having to get up and get myself ready and drive myself because I have to be ready at least an hour before I need to be there.  I changed my strategy years ago to a more leisurely morning because the fast morning WRECKED me.  I also don't trust my car on the freeway.  So to get there at nine o'clock I have to get up at five thirty in the morning and then I call the Uber and anytime between eight ten and eight thirty is fine so I have more wiggle room with my tricky guts and whatnot.  I have eliminated enough stress that I can manage it, but it's still kinda an ordeal for me.

This last time I had a problem with the Uber and by the time I had to cancel it and get another one I was gonna be late.  I texted them to let them know I would be between fifteen and twenty minutes late, probably, and in fact was only ten minutes late, but then I made the mistake of sharing a little too much information.  I should have said traffic and left it at THAT, but it's sometimes hard to edit everything perfectly, so I got a big talk about how taxis are better than Uber from someone who has never taken an Uber and probably hasn't taken a taxi in twenty years.

The last time I took a taxi they charged me twenty dollars to take me two and a half miles to work--  and you don't KNOW what you are paying until you get there.  The time before THAT they never came at all and I missed my airplane.  I'm pretty sure a taxi will charge me thirty five dollars (at least) to take me to the job they will pay me like a hundred dollars for and it will be stress stress stress the whole way--  NOT doing THAT.  I'm pretty sure we've had this conversation before.  The other one says but you can schedule the Uber for a particular time.  Yes, but then I have stress with having to be ready to go at a particular time, and AGAIN I'm helping them out, but I've GOT to reduce the stress of it enough to not be f*CKing myself over.

I'm sure I've tried to explain some of this before, but I'm not NOW, I'm just sorry I let any of myself out at all.  I found the fact that the one who im working to get a day off had to be sitting there to be hurtful--  like she HAD to come to work because I was gonna be fifteen minutes late?  Then she comes up to me a little later and wants to go to the museum on Saturday and I'm like let me see what I have going on this week, but then immediately wondered why I didn't just say NO.

I have gotten them to the point I was trying for in the store organization and they have managed to hire someone else--  I am hoping this works out so I can just exit.  I have learned what I needed to learn and I don't want to put myself through this anymore.

I had to talk to my mom.  She wanted to get rid of her car.  And there was some understanding on her part of my becoming her replacement.  I'm like I feel VERY uncomfortable with this.  I am having trouble driving my car enough to keep it running.  I don't mind driving you to doctor appointments or things like that, but we have a history that makes me WORRY about your expectations.  Like you decided to sell your house and make me responsible for everything without talking to me about it at all before hand.  Then I'm just working all day every day for months destroying my body all unable to physically function and that was just ya know whatever.  I have not given up on my life.  I'm trying to figure out what I want, what will make me happy, which I've told you I have problems with for years and you're just like:  have you thought about it.  Yes, I have thought about it my whole life, and I have a problem of some sort, and it got worse during the pandemic, and you were having health problems and I thought I want to help and I don't feel safe to go get some job, and I thought we could help each other.  But I used to be so unhappy that I prayed I would die in my sleep.  I don't want to be in a situation where you are calling me whenever telling me to come get you and chauffeur you around--  if I have to go get some crappy job and feel like I want to die I'm NOT going to do that for you.  If you want to help me, help me, and I'm trying to make your life BETTER, but I'm not willing to be your slave.

AND

I say to the therapist I'm not 💯 okay with any of this because I feel like I'm maybe not giving top value for money, I might be giving less than I'm getting back at this particular moment but the option is going and getting some crappy job and not having the time and resources to figure out how to finally fix this problem-- so maybe I'm being SELFISH and I am deeply NOT okay with that.

You deserve to have what you need, says therapist.

I am ALSO deeply not okay with the concept of deserve

I'm aware.

I just want to be happy.  I'm smart, I mean not like MIT smart, but smart ya know.  I'm not asking to be rich, I'm not asking to be famous.  I've been working on myself my whole life, and I feel like so much of my life has been wasted, and...

You just want to get to the reward for all your work.

MAYBE 

I just want to be okay with my life somehow, I just want to be happy.