so, what we've learned this week

when i'm sick
i don't so much with the self edit
but apparently, usually
a lot of self edit going on

i'm starting not to be as afraid
which i guess i was before
that if i get to be a drag
maybe you'll lose interest in me
i didn't think
i was super worried about that
but
it looks like i spent more time
on it than i had previously thought

i need to get more sleep, generally

i think
i am starting to
get to some issues
bring the sub conscious to the surface
like the thing with debbie heather
what the hell is that
i don't believe for one minute
she's in the corner burning sage and trying to enter my dreams
that's gotta be my insecurity, or whatever


i want you to be happy
i want to make you happy
i don't want to be freaking you out
making you feel old and tired and like goddam you wish you didn't have somebody else giving you something to have to worry about

i still am not well
i got a killer headache
and i'm going to bed now
i have to go to work tomorrow
but i'm pretty sure i'm not going to enjoy it

i am very glad i met you
and i am very glad you are a good person
and however you need to conduct your life is your business
and i'm not trying to give you any grief

i am feeling pretty secure with you
i still don't really understand you
but
i guess
i think that some day
maybe you'll feel secure enough with me
to show me
and
in the mean time
i guess
i'll just trust you

how's that

alright, i said i'd try to describe the dream, but i think the tricky bit was the part about the game

i was living somewhere different
away from anyone i knew
i was kind of excited about this change
but a little scared

it was small
and i think i walked everywhere
but it was a city, not a town
maybe somewhere like berkeley
i think i was in school
and i had some job, although i'm uncertain what it was
maybe not, maybe i was writing something

i hung out in local spots
there seemed to be hangouts
that didn't cost anything where you could just sit at tables and work uninterrupted for hours
and
i also frequented the hipster coffee shops
well, i couldn't really afford them
but i went sometimes
they didn't believe in friendliness or customer service
not at all
and i had mixed feelings about that

there was a girl who looked a lot like shosh
and i'd go there sometimes because i miss her
but she never smiled
and that was too bad

anyway
so i'm hanging in the culture of young people
and i was bound to pick up something

there was this game
it came from somewhere
maybe a reality show
i don't know

it was most famously in example with this brother and sister
who had there minds expanded and relationship deepened
by playing this game

and
i don't think anybody really knew the rules
i think there was a difference of opinion
about the whole philosophy
governing the interactions

but
even though i've been trying to think, hard
i just can't remember clearly anything meaningful to say about it

i think the trick was
you had to play the game
to find out how you play the game

so
i go to this group
where everyone is going to try to play the game
i know a few people, but not well
it's just the kind of thing i never do
go to a group of people who are all going to engage in some activity, together
i don't ever do that, really, in real life
but
in theory it has it's appeal

whatever

i got in there
and debbie heather was there
and, i mean, i don't know why i didn't just turn around and leave
but
i thought:
i came here to do this
she's just another person
if i can do this with strangers then i can do it with her

but she somehow got herself in the group of people who were organizing teams
and when the teams had been drawn up
i was very clearly not on any of them
so i ask her:
what's up
i'm not playing

and she said: no

so i kind of stormed out:
if i can't play
i'm sure as hell not gonna sit here and watch you play


i don't know
i guess, from a certain perspective
i should have stayed to watch her play
if i considered her to be someone i was competing against, for example
but i don't
i don't want anything to do with her
i'm not trying to do anything to her
i dislike her
but that's completely on her own merits
and i call her debbie heather because that accurately represents
who she is in my world and baggage

i feel like it's wrong for this kind of dream to happen
she should not invade my psyche
maybe it's because i'm sick

i'm not happy about that

i had a long involved dream that i will try to explain after i have coffee

but
I'm pretty sure you weren't in it
and then debbie heather showed up
in the end
which ruined it
I was minding my own business
doing my own thing
and she just came and co opted my dream
keep her out of my dreams

good lord, did you see i've got over sixty posts for march

now, granted, some of them are just a few words
but i have at least a half a dozen long-ish ones that i've never posted
because they seem negative, or whatever
plus some that were posted
and are reverted to draft
so
wow
i'm all like a chatty cathy, huh
and
i was feeling like i hadn't written much
because i have an idea what i think you want
and
i haven't been able to write that
but, whatever

i've got stuff i want to say
that i can't say

but
sixty is kind of a lot
i must have something to say to you
if you made sense
would i find you this compelling

well, i'm at work, but dear god am i sorry about that

I've been here like 2.5 hours
and I may die
not literally

I love you
I hope you're ok
and that I didn't freak you out

something about a beautiful black walnut chest of drawers

i don't imagine i've been a ton of fun the last bit here

i woke up
i ate something
which was, honestly i'm thinking a poor choice
i had this packet of scone mix, i've loved pumpkin scones ever since starbucks days
but, when i made them the first time, i remembered why i don't buy mixes
they were completely the wrong texture
and i don't know if you've had the experience:

buying grocery store bagels that turn out to be donut shapes bread
well, it was that disappointing

so i've had this packet around since fall
so i just made it
adding oat bran and hemp hearts and maple syrup and baking powder
and made a kind of pull apart light texture coffee cake
which i melted butter on and drizzled with maple syrup

so
i guess i must be feeling a little better
it was ok
not great
but an excellent vehicle for butter

which is, i guess, what i wanted

so, i did it, i called in sick

and I am going back to bed
so
if you read this
and I haven't written again to say I'm up
then I'm probably asleep
if you visit in dreamland
gentle
everything hurts

i might not go to work today, i'm struggling with it

one the one hand
I feel like I have to go
because I can
but
they will not let me leave early
and I'm not at all certain I can stand all day
I just basically slept two days
and I feel
super weak
and like I've been beaten
and I might have fever
probably not
but definitely hot, sweaty, clammy
I think I shouldn't go
but
I don't think I've taken off two days in a row for illness since 1997
and I've been sicker than this
but
I want to get well, ya know
and I think I've been getting this for
maybe weeks
I won't get well if I push
it's hard

why is the idea of calling work
and saying:
I'm sick
I'm not coming today
why is that so difficult

alright, i fell asleep on the sofa so now i don't have time for a potato and i'd probably set the house on fire anyway

i love you
i am going to bed
i ate a nutrigrain bar
and some cheese, which might not have been a good idea

it's applewood smoked cheddar from england
so it was a good idea taste wise
but, whatever

i thought i'd stay home
and i could write to you
but
i seriously don't know what i've done all day
except doze
i should have just stayed in bed

i wish i could cuddle up with you

best wishes for your evening
and
all my love

i just did something crazy

i had toast earlier
toast is like my favorite food
but
i thought maybe a little food value
but
i just didn't feel like i could stand
long enough to make anything
i'm like:
i have tuna i could sear tuna
that's pretty fast
that's got food value--  protein

too much

eggs, they're fast
yuck

i want chicken soup
well, shit, you needed to start that hours ago

but then
i'm like:
wait!
the hurricane supplies box!
tetra pack vegetable broth!

because i never eat prepared soup unless it's some kind of emergency

so i heated that up
and it was disgusting even if it is organic and whatever
so i mixed in a spoon of white miso
a little of the chinese vegetable broth i use as a rice seasoning
some lemon juice
and, i don't know, like six spoons of nutritional yeast

i had to keep stirring it so the yeast didn't clump
but
it was kinda chicken soup-y, kinda

i might bake a potato
that'll only take an hour, hour and a half tops
i might could eat a potato

i seriously do not feel well

there's some sort of bug going around and i guess i got it

i mean i wouldn't have stayed home for female trouble
but, if we're adding dizziness, headache, nausea, etc
then fuck it
i'll stay home

i've been watching this which is pretty long
i'm not advocating your watching it
but
i wanted to see something with wolves

i couldn't remember any of my dreams
or i would have told you about them

i love you
i hope i haven't confused you so much that you can't recover
i don't mean to be confusing
i think it just comes naturally

not asleep yet, but lightning and wolves or maybe sled dogs and snow

grand bois

grand bois

grand bois

i'm going to bed to hopefully dream of you

i think i started a bunch of stuff
normally i would not publish all that
just whatever it was i was trying to say
but
today
i'm not editing
and i'm not worrying
i'm just starting it, with the idea of finishing
when the finishing makes sense to me

so
today
you are either a happy man
because i talked a lot
told you a bunch of the inside of my head
or
you are maybe not so happy
because i talked a lot
without saying a bunch of anything

also
if you wanted sexy talk
you are maybe even less happy
because i didn't give you any of that
although
with the bird cage
you might have thought you'd get that

i'm open to it
i just wasn't feeling it earlier

when you get ready for bed yourself tonight
i will likely be asleep
but if you want to join me in dreamland
i'm excited to tell you my dreams

i guess i don't know what i'm writing, let's talk about the bear

what is going on

if i look at the bear as a symbol
i immediately thought of irving
but
that's strange
i have this whole native thing with bears

but
i still wonder
what it's like for you
and
how
it all translates

the bear seemed definitely to be a bear
not a person in a bear suit

continuing....

but that's not the mood i'm in

there's such a distinct difference
in what i felt
in the texture
in the timbre
it's like it wasn't even me
although, painfully clearly, it was me

and
i feel like
a completely different person
and, too
i feel like who i am now
relates in a way i don't understand
to things that seem
in retrospect
not to make much sense

why
if i felt these things
did i do the things i did
and
you seem different now
how much of that is you
how much of that is me

how much of that have you gone through

like
did you go through this whole same process
and then
all the other crazy life stuff you've gone through
how jumbled up with that am i

i'm sorry
i just had this whole panoramic thing
and it's blowing my mind a little


continuing....

the stone of mount moriah

when i pulled into deadwood i was sunburnt, dehydrated, and perhaps a little loopy-- for want of a better word.  i drove around, a little, through town, but it was really like the hotel pulled me there.

to flip a coin in tombstone

i've been watching videos of the bird cage in tombstone.

there was tombstone and deadwood and dodge.  it was one journey, somehow, and one where a person operating from a place of reason--  wait, why even go there.  it's a vision quest.  it's a finding myself and losing myself and realizing that life is the continual process of the two--  wait,  that's too big.

there's something about the west...
in progress

i went back to sleep before

and I dreamed
a documentary, I think
it was talking about people who
didn't like to date
had trouble finding the one for them
and it was using a pool as a metaphor
a visual aid
each person was a color
at either end of the pool
and then for these people who were successful
the color blended
these people had, some of them
a bunch of children
which I guess made them more successful
I got to hold a baby
from one of the couples who just had one
and she was a strange child
she had modified regular crying
in a way that let you know if you were
closer or farther away
from doing what she needed
so she conditioned the caregiver
like pavlov's dog, a little

then there was this guy
he had been famous, I think
anyway, I recognized him
and he was laying on the floor
wouldn't sit in the chair
Jon Stewart was interviewing him
asking him shit like:
why can't you get it together man
and he would say strange things
that didn't make any sense
like: yes Jon, but you know how to speak Latin every day

then somehow they tricked him
and he ended up in a big arena like circle
outside
with other guys and torches
and I have no idea
if they were about to perform
or
beat him

strange dreams
no idea