check in april 4th

I re-read that last post I made

I wrote it 

& it barely made sense to me

I had crazy dreams 

I can't remember 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

check in may 3rd

I went to phonecia yesterday 

got overwhelmed 

got like thirty pounds of lentils 

today

I was gonna buy some

PLANTS

I thought I'd move up to herbs

BUT 

I couldn't find anything 

container-wise

that I thought was acceptable 

I had a headache 

& it was so sunny 

the whole experience was disappointing 

my neck & back & shoulders

are better but still not great

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I am imagining 

giving you 

an enormous 

HUG

you are 

MAGIC 

check in may 2nd

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

brain churn, maybe

there's this way

in which I

FEEL 

like I'm not the same 

from day to day

& have these

PARTS

I am finding it slightly unsettling 

& I just had this really 

BIG anxiety 

thing

I wouldn't call it an attack 

it was MORE like 

my perspective SHIFTED 

I SAW something 

& it freaked me out 

I was brushing my teeth 

I started gagging 

hacking up

sputum 

I'm not sure what it was

I was thinking about 

HOW 

that looking for how you fit in

that SOUNDS 

very trad feminine 

&

I was contrasting 

I have some things that I'm very trad masc

AND

I'm not SURE 

is that LIKE a PARTS thing

or a non-binary 

THING

I'm feeling like there is stuff going on 

that I don't understand 

& I didn't finish that area

I haven't been able to do it I'm all LIKE 

I'm not STRONG enough 

BUT 

there is a connection between 

disengagement with 

REALITY 

& STUFF 

& I can't map exactly how much time 

I'm connected to some though

that is not EXACTLY 

disengagement 

so much as

ENGAGING in THINKING 

MAYBE 

one of the tangential lines of thinking 

is HOW uncomfortable am I

with the things

I've ever done or thought or felt before 

& WHAT I might 

pick instead

& MAYBE 

I'm NOW overanalyzing 

probably that's right 

I have this 

IDEA

of

STANDING as MYSELF 

which I thought I pretty much always DID 

BUT 

in SOME WAY

maybe I mask 

or maybe 

I need to focus

on getting 

something across specifically 

I guess I'm coming from 

we KNOW we could be

EASIER 

to understand 

WHAT 

are we making 

CLEARER

I need to do that with myself as well 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

check in may 1st

I am thinking about 

this dome greenhouse I saw

& whether I could 

SLEEP 

in it

or if that would be 

uncomfortably 

HOT

or stuffy

I THINK 

I always thought about 

intimacy between people as being

aggressive & slightly 

VIOLENT

& I don't think the new me

thinks about it that way

I've really changed a lot since I first met you

& I think one way I haven't quite finished changing YET 

is that I don't WANT to just be trying to figure out 

where is the 
SPACE 

I FILL

& I don't know if that makes sense 

I feel like that is how I'm programmed 

& I'm not sure how to 

NOT do THAT 

sleep time

that piano song 

really made me happy 

& strangely 

I was hearing the theme from the young & the restless when I was falling asleep last night & then again this morning 

strangely because 

THAT was not a soap opera I watched 

I guess it came on 

BEFORE 

or something 

because I'd heard the music 

I think maybe it was

a little more 

SPICY

or something 

I'm maybe 

trying to get a feel for myself as

I don't think I WAS ever

EXTREMELY

SHY

THAT

is part of this

newer CRAZY

that's all an oversimplification 

RECENTLY 

I've discovered that I have Saturn 

in the first house

& that means 

MAYBE 

I have some out in the world disciplined 

being seen type destiny

MAYBE 

especially when combined with the 

SAGITTARIUS midheaven 

& I remembered that 

I WAS MORE like THAT 

than I feel like I am currently 

BUT 

I'm building a new thing-y

& I realize

the old thing-y was

BROKEN 

I don't want to put the broken stuff 

back in, but that's easier said than done 

MAYBE 

I am not sure what I'm doing 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

my best explanation of what is going on with me currently -- check in april 30th

a couple days ago 

I slept funny

jacked up my neck & shoulder 

I spent time

stretching and massaging 

BUT 

it was still kinda effed up last night

& when I woke up today 

I was LIKE 

I think this is BODY WORK 

I've been looking at myself 

& saying

GIRL

ain't nothing tantalizing about your bod

you wrecked

& I'm not really 

inhabiting my body

I'm a think-y brain with a body attached 

& with the decrease in body pain 

from the relaxing nervous system 

I'm just ignoring my body 

MORE 

BUT 

as I tried stretching my neck

as I worked the kinks out of the place on my back

I used to think of as a hump

where I fell & hit it on the tub at lindley's house

before a bunch of us

went to galveston 

it's not really a hump anymore 

but it is still KINDA a trouble spot

when it STILL HURT months later

my mom finally agreed to take me to a doctor 

they SAID 

well, it was probably soft tissue damage 

when they couldn't see anything on 

the x-rays

BUT 

my neck used to go out of alignment 

way up at the top*

I've always carried my stress

in my shoulders

& I have the injury site

KINDA in the middle of all that

& I think my body wants

MORE from me

than to be

TOLD

STUFF to DO

F.I.O**

SO

I'm stretching & massaging 

& trying to FEEL like I'm 

INHABITING 

my body 

I think some of my

in my HEAD-ness

started by

FEELING my feelings 

& some of that

was a lot of residual stuff surrounding my mom 

& maybe I shouldn't have done that 

BUT 

it SEEMED like 

NOT 

feeling my feelings 

led to trouble 

historically 

I thought

& SO

I'm not sure what I think about that now

BUT 

I DO think

I HAVE it figure out this body work

I have to make some kind of

PEACE with myself 

I'm not a disembodied brain

I don't want to be

semi-dissociated, or whatever

*I'm pretty sure that's going on right now too

**figure it out

check in april 29th

I've been pretty thinky

& I feel like 

I'm not 

SUPER 

organized in my thinking*

BUT 

I think you are 

COOL

*by which I think I mean I'm not saying things in the right order & am going to sound like I'm prioritizing things some kinda way way and I don't feel like saying in not particular order is a fix for it so I don't know if that means I'm paranoid or not sufficiently sovereign or what my problem is but

YOU are COOL

& I LOVE you VERY much 

& I love the shirt

it's adorable 

& I think

it's ALL 

VERY exciting

& I'm grateful for you 

& I was never not

BUT 

I was caught up in some stuff 

& I wasn't feeling the grateful-ness generally 

& I was trying to decide 

WHY

I'm not sure I have the answer yet

I'm gonna try to sleep now

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

check in april 28th

I saw this video 

& I haven't vetted it

BUT 

it's LIKE 

the ancient Sumerians were ALIENS 

& NOW we've FINALLY 

translated the 

LAST CLAY TABLET 

& I'm SURE this is the

SPACE ALIEN news

that t*ump is

teasing

BUT 

NOT ONLY 

did they genetically engineer humanity

BUT ALSO 

they are headed back this way

to JUDGE US 

if we've learned to value each other

& the earth then

ALIEN DADDY 

will take us with 

if not

it's gonna be another

FLOOD---LIKE

situation 

I think it's unlikely that they just now translated the last clay tablet

THAT'S 

the likeliest weak link for me

I'm only sort of 

kidding 

I have been TOO in my HEAD 

& not necessarily in a good way 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

check in april 27th

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

that was legitimately weird

ALSO

I have a rattle/percussion instrument collection 

WHY

do I not know HOW to play percussion 

I am legitimately 

ASKING myself 

as I have

REALIZED 

as THOUGH I didn't KNOW that was a THING 

which I don't find credible 

BUT 

everyone is just looking at me

BLANKLY 

more thoughts

did he just fake

another assignation 

JUST to

push his ballroom

agenda

that's 

REAL life

right now

I find that destabilizing 

I dreamed about my 

mom

we were in a car

she was driving and she had a cat

she wanted to take to show

her friend 

because the cat looked a lot like a cat 

her friend had had

which didn't make a whole lot of sense 

THEN

it transpired 

the cat was stinky or something 

there was some reason*

*it was my fault 

SOMEHOW 

NOW

that we were not ONLY not showing her friend the cat

we were NOW leaving the cat

IN the CAR

& HOW 

was the cat going to

not just get

COOKED

in the

CAR

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

check in april 26th

there's LIKE this one 

where it's got

this DARK sound

BUT 

then it's 

SOMEHOW 

simultaneously 

surf rock

that keeps

LIKE 

calling me

& the WHOLE thing 

was SO satisfyingly blending sounds

like painting them

LIKE 

transparent colors

OVERLAPPING 

to create a different color

I was really enjoying it 

trying to classify

& that's what I've come up with 

& I guess I was concentrating more on the sound 

because that was where I felt most functional 

mother's day thoughts

I have all these things 

I'm thinking about 

it's mother's day 

I guess technically today 

& I'm not really sure 

what I FEEL about the things

I think I'm not that upset

about not having 

kids

I have reason to question 

how good a mother

I might have

managed

to be 

&

besides 

I kinda worked through some of what

were issues when I was a manager

I MEAN 

obviously not the SAME but I think that's 

KINDA

my thing

I get whatever usable 

life experience I have in some

non-standard way

things stand-in

for other things

& MAYBE 

that's 

an adaptation 

or maybe 

it's JUST 

that I process things

DIFFERENTLY 

I'm not confident 

I had the capacity to be a good mother

while attempting to do

ANYTHING else 

I had some experiences 

make me WONDER 

I took my niece

to the ZOO 

& something about the level of attention 

was ALMOST hypnotic

I was not SURE if I took my eyes

OFF her 

for a second 

she was not gonna

JUST 

JUMP

into the alligators 

I think it's entirely possible 

I would not have been

up to the task

& it was never a life goal

I wanted things

BUT

they were related

to my feelings for you, mostly

with occasional ideas for

positively shaping

an upbringing 

which I find

I have opinions about 

I certainly didn't dream about

any kind of suburban wife

situation 

I'm not a regular person 

I'm pretty different 

& whether that's 

a neurodivergent thing 

or a trauma thing

or a creative

CRAZY 

it doesn't really matter what exactly is going on

what matters is what I need to do

to make my brain work

to do the things that

I WANT to DO

AND

I find it hard to believe 

that I can look at my life one way

& it's been an amazing adventure 

AND

I can look at it another way

and it's just nothing

nothing accomplished 

THAT

would be

the way my mother would look at it, I think

I've been thinking about 

when she was in the rehab hospital 

& her legs were swollen 

& they wouldn't increase her meds

I was talking to one of her doctors 

who wasn't the "decider" on the diuretics 

my mom must have been giving me 

the narcissist disgust look

or something 

because this doctor

she LOOKED at 

my mom

& she

SAID 

your daughter is advocating for you really hard 

the LEAST you could do

would be to SMILE 

at her a little 

& my mom said 

SHE ALWAYS WORKS HARD

she kinda made it

SOUND

LIKE 

no CREDIT for THAT 

& I don't really want to talk about 

HOW I FEEL 

so much as to

SAY

different parts of me

FEEL DIFFERENT 

I can notice

different 

PARTS

there's a part

that's like

if she has trouble 

because she

wouldn't believe you when you said you wouldn't 

THAT

is poetic justice 

there is a part that says

it is entirely possible 

that she's blown up her life trying to 

MAKE me DO

thinking she could force my hand

because I wouldn't be able to 

STAND it

with a whole bunch of dominoes dropping 

& the protector part

is LIKE 

I DO NOT CARE 

if they are 

grinding her 

into 

hamburger 

& FEEDING her to WILD DOGS 

we are NOT getting involved 

SO

mother's day 

HITS different 

this year

strangely 

it seems LESS triggering 

check in april 25th

I really like the

SOUND

it's got these different 

ELEMENTS

& it's really full or dense or I'm not sure what to call it but there's a 

DARK 

quality to it that I vibe with 

BUT 

then it has these

PLAYFUL 

qualities as well that you usually don't get

TOGETHER 

I'm into it

OK

I couldn't go to sleep without listening a little 

I LOVE chameleon 

& wireless 🔥 

the almost wordless song

GENIUS 

I imagined it re-mixed into

an otherworldly 

club scene

I'm looking forward to hearing the rest

more thoughts

I'm sorry 

I realized 

I was processing 

& didn't do the Friday thing

I'm sorry that might have been better 

& I just wasn't wanting to 

MIX that

into my t. rex shadow

montage

sometimes 

that works out badly

BUT 

I wasn't trying to 

SKIP

just be properly 

OPEN 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

thoughts April 24th

I think 

when you're working through 

EMOTIONAL stuff

MAYBE 

it's natural to 

not go in 

a straight 

LINE

I feel 

BETTER 

today

& the dream was really helpful 

SOMEHOW 

in some way

I can't explain 

& I guess 

I was trying to figure out 

HOW 

to be in a state

with someone else 

at the same time they are in the same state

without either of you 

"at-ing"

& there was an aquatic quality to it

MAYBE 

or gravity became

whimsical*

*I saw somebody use whimsical & it made me want to use it and I'm not sure this was the right place

BUT 

maybe it is

because 

the point is not to be

TOUGH

the POINT is not to feel like you need to be tough

is it

I'm not sure 

is the tough 

an act 

or 

do you feel

that you are 

indeed 

tough

I'm not sure 

I don't want to 

MASK

I'm not sure if what I do is masking

sleep is good 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

good morning sweetheart

I had a LOT of dreams 

& I don't really remember SPECIFICS except 

the final image

MAYBE 

the others will come back to me

there was school

ART school 

ALL KINDS of THINGS 

BUT 

at my gran gran's house

I was looking out

a window*

*which was not configured correctly from a historical standpoint 

I was LOOKING out a window 

at an enormous 

MOOSE

I had seen it earlier 

BUT 

I was shocked 

because it was remaining in the

SAME position 

& I didn't see 

HOW 

it was EVEN possible for it to be in 

THAT POSITION 

at ALL

MUCH LESS

for an extended amount of 

TIME

it was on its hind legs 

with its front legs 

UP in kind of 

a supplication 

CURLED

&

it just stayed like that

STATIONARY 

HOW 

was it balancing

HOW 

did it remain 

STRONG 

& in the shadows 

it was

SHIFTED

back & forth

from a 

MOOSE 

to a

T REX

with its curled up little arms

& I suppose 

you COULD call

EITHER 

of them a 

MONSTER 

BUT 

that wouldn't be 

ACCURATE 

check in april 23rd

I'm sorry about your friend 

maybe he'll be at all of them for a while 

if he doesn't have to be anywhere soon

I walked to the convenience store 

to buy my lottery tickets 

I got two

scratch offs*

*which were not winners

I got three

I was trying to find

the old school ones that don't have the 

POWER BALL feature 

& they DO still have them

they are called

LOTTERY 

EXTRA 

which makes no sense whatsoever 

& the draw is Saturday

I think 

SO

I have to wait

to SEE what I win

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart