went a few rounds with ernest today-- walking to island in the stream

i decided
to walk to whole foods
and carry my groceries back
which i thought was about 2 miles each way
except i took the long way there, apparently
so it was 4 miles there...

i was listening to island in the stream

and when i came out of whole foods
with my abbreviated groceries
because i was going to have to schlep em

i didn't realize i had gone 4 miles
i just felt really bad about myself
because
i didn't think
i could do that again

so i thought
well
there's a bus stop about a mile away
i'll just walk there
feeling really bad about being a failure

but
on the way to the bus stop
davey wrestled the fish for 5 hours
i cried

so when i got to the bus stop
i was like:
really
after that
you're gonna prove yourself a pussy

so i walked the rest of the way
which
the way i went back
was only 2
carrying
maybe 20

last night's dream was like some sorta project for my subconscious

there was this kid
late teens or early twenties
he was some sort of
chosen one
or future superhero
i kept seeing him
almost as a cartoon
in stealth mode
blending into his surroundings

he lived with these old old arabic men
who mostly never talked
they might have been brothers
or they might not
and i'm not really sure how many of them there were
there was a phone call:
happy 50th anniversary
but the wife had left long ago
and he'd never mentioned it to his friend and family
didn't answer them now
just nodded and hung up the phone

another man was being tortured to reveal the location of the kid
first they cut notched doilies from his ears
then they burned him with a red hot poker
then they destroyed his genitals
and when he didn't talk then
they shot him in the head
and the kid was outside watching
his body the starry sky


wow, i said, i need to figure out the back story on the protectors
so i went to the information center
there weren't any computers anymore
the center took it's place
but i didn't really understand how it worked
i went in
there were childcraft yearbook encyclopedias
and other amazing detritus
i sat down
this woman sat down next to me
she started telling me about this magazine she had
it didn't sound like it had anything i could use
but she wanted to sell it bad
she wanted 54 cents
so i gave it to her
and she's all like:
not like that they'll see
but i was not hip, because, like i said, i didn't understand how it worked
they saw
she said:
keep it
and ran out
i started looking around to see how to fix whatever i'd done
the center controlled information
and they'd sell you an article for 6 dollars
copied
you couldn't buy the magazines at any price
they were brought in to the center
by desperate people who would trade them for drugs
or violent criminals who used their collection
as an excuse for their violence
and were rewarded in some way by the center
i walked out
and it was like they could smell the magazine on me
i'm not sure if i made it through alive


there was a further exploration of the world
there was a coffee shop run out of an old victorian row house
and i was discussing business with a customer
i had these popsicle things i thought would be a huge success

there was another part
to do with a restaurant
more like a dining hall
which reminded me of
the macrobiotic center the hare krishnas ran where i'm from
but i can't remember most of it
i remember i found a cafeteria line
at an adjacent building
that had egg custard
which was my favorite dessert as a kid
but there was a bunch of really good information
about how the world worked
that i just can't remember


and then i was running
and screaming
and jumping
because i was so excited
because it was snowing

the maid of the mist was a landmark on the 10

i was riding with this chick
who
in the dream
i knew
she was driving
we were on the 10
in california
i'm not sure
california has
for me
all these very distinct vibes
it was past the desert part
which i find beautiful
especially in the morning
the towns mar it up a bit more than seems
strictly speaking
necessary
but that long stretch
where you're like
holy fuck
am i gonna run out of gas
is amazing
(as long as you actually got gas)
then
it enters this phase
which is distinctly suburb-y to me
it reminds me of the 101
up by salinas
not like the parts of the 101
that run
through old farmland
that has a completely different vibe
anyway
suburban 10
but
i'm pretty sure
that part
is before you get to san bernadino
where it starts feeling more like
the suburbs
i'm used to
on steroids
with air you can't see through
so maybe
it's more of an inland empire thing
than
strictly speaking
a suburban thing
there's some traffic usually
and all these bits
where you can scrape off
to different places
than you mean to go
and
i don't like to stop
because
i worry
i'll end up on the wrong bit
before the thing i'd call a valley
which probably isn't one
where everyone drives 100 mph
so i'm guessing there's never any CHP there
i've driven through that
when shit was on fire
it's beautiful
and it's shortly after that
when i usually stop
at ihop or somewhere
in
i wanna say
west covina
to let the traffic die down
before driving in to the city
so i guess
i'm dreaming about the california highway system
which is not usual for me
but
it was at that first place
maybe around redlands
that the maid of the mist appeared
off the side of the highway
enormous
at the top of a pole
canoe and all
how had i never seen her before
she was the landmark
we were changing highways
and i wanted to drive on through
but
that chick was all like:
we have already gone 700 miles today
we are stopping for the night


i don't know what to make of all that
usually
in dreams
the freeways
and streets
and whatever
are different
from things in the real world

and where would that put us heading
big bear
barstow
the cajon pass

and 700 miles
that puts us starting out from
roughly
el paso

i don't know

maybe the more important question:
why is this other chick driving
oh
because she knew the way
i had never seen
the big giant indian princess
any time
i'd driven by

maybe it's telling me to read the signs

i don't really understand the dosha system, but i dreamed i was drinking this beautiful red wine and it was called dosha

stuff and more stuff

i had this dream last night
i don't think it meant anything
i mean
i don't think it's trying to tell me anything
but
when i woke up
i had this strong sense
that it needed to be a short story
somehow
although
it doesn't seem to lend itself to linear storytelling

this woman is studying a czechoslovakian film
and she gets drawn into the story
which seems
in some ways
anachronistic
so she starts relating it to other things
so
i think
it's mostly
her
talking to herself
but i'm not sure
that doesn't seem like much of a story
but
maybe it is
i don't know what she thinks yet
she's a character

one of the characters in the film
he raises horses
and he has some theory categorizing them by personality type

he's talking to an older woman
who seems to be a politician

in the early morning hours
after a fundraising type event
they seem as though they might
be hooking up
and the woman says:
my supporters are going to miss breakfast

or something like that


the character watching the film
is watching it late at night
on some sort of goggles
there is an overlay of annotation
or commentary
or something
compressed like subtitles
and they are complicating her viewing
rather than making it clearer

she's sitting at a table
and there is a man
maybe her boyfriend
at first snoring
then sleepily talking to her
from the bed nearby
it is a small apartment

and
somehow
i have to work
3 billy goats gruff into the story
i can't really remember that story
i think
i'm confusing it with the bremen musicians
which i also don't remember that well
i don't know why i think i must work that in


what i don't have
that seems like it should be the central thing
is what the hell the story is telling
shouldn't that be important
why am i telling this story
what is it's point
i don't know
i just feel
like
it is a story i'm supposed to write

weird, huh

i had the worst dream last night

there was a bunch of not bad stuff
but
the
bad was brutal

i was talking to this woman
she was an iridologist
and she looked into my eyes
intensely
and
she told me:

you have stomach cancer

now
it's not so much
that i believe in iridology
i don't know enough about it to know
but i'm inclined not to give it much credibility

but
it freaked me the fuck out

i woke up
and
i had a hard time going back to sleep

because
why would i tell myself that
if there was nothing
wrong with me

and
my mother's mother
when she finally went to the doctor
was full up with cancer
which
we're not sure
but
it probably started in her stomach

really really bad dream

trying to sort out dreams

but one thing is clear

something is up with dolphins

i'm not sure if it's the miami dolphins
or actual dolphins
but i'm going with miami
because
it was on hats
and there were other football teams too

i don't dream about football
generally

but i had that dream about three days ago
and all the dreams i've had have been confusing
and layered

last night
something about a baby
but it changed into
a hand held electronic device
with the grown up person talking to me
and a journey
and laundry
and showers
in roadhouses
where i stayed on the road
and these pills
that looked like little green berries
that you can buy at the eckerds
for cheap
and they perfectly replace milk thistle

so somethings tumbling and churning around in there

but maybe it's just
some of it
a sports prediction
but i was wearing more than one hat
and the dolphins were on top

boxes,cds, snow...and fire

last night's dream had a lot of elements
some of them really cool
some of them mildly upsetting
taken as a whole
i'm not sure what it means
and i was tempted
just to edit out
everything that wasn't overtly good
but it was all so weird
i figure it probably all means something

i was working someplace
and it kinda kept morphing during the dream
first, i think, it was some sort of retail shop
and we were always having to look through boxes
for things we needed
but
we didn't really need them
so
we were streamlining
and
in the process of doing that
we were automating systems online
so that gave us an excuse to be online
and this girl i knew well in the dream
who i don't actually know in real life
found this cd
by that musician
it was a project he did with a female musician
who in the dream is really famous
but who i've never heard of in real life
and the cd was being sold to raise funds for some project
and was really a good price
so we were excited about both ordering it


there was something i was trying to get to
and that kinda morphed too
now i was working in a coffee shop
and it was a movie i was trying to get to
i took the handset from the phone with me
so i could stay in touch
because i left early
i drove down a street by now familiar in my dreams
but which doesn't resemble anything from waking life
i felt guilty about leaving work
i got to the movie
i checked the phone
it wasn't working
i was sitting in the dark theater
about to watch this show
which was really important to me for some reason
but then i got this really strong sense
that something was wrong at work

i went back to work
only now it was a gallery space
there was a schizophrenic woman
or at least i thought in the dream that she was
who wouldn't come out of the restroom
because that was the only safe place
there were malevolent spirits:
kickers
everywhere else in the building
periodically
after much knocking
she'd stick her head out
declare it unsafe
and lock herself back in
after being back a few minutes
i realized she wasn't crazy
there was something going on
and the gallery emptied of people
got darker
i could see the dark energy
and i asked her:
are you sure it's still safe in there
and she came out
and then
i did this:
i assumed this pose
legs apart, knees bent
arms out to the sides
eyes closed
i entered the flow of the energy
but didn't let it enter me
i felt around for what was there with my mind
i sorta locked frequency with it
and screamed
but mentally
not audibly
on a frequency that would shatter it
when i opened my eyes
it was snowing

inside the gallery


that was the coolest bit
and this next bit
i'm not sure what to make of
i go from being this kinda powerful whatever
to
i have ten minutes to get back to the movie
only now it isn't a movie
it's that musician
the one i ordered the cd from
and he's doing this
what i guess i'd have to call a performance art piece
there are all these pieces of film (or something)
hanging on the wall
but maybe they aren't film
maybe they are something else
because i am expecting them to make music
or pictures
or something
and just pieces of film wouldn't do that
so i'm not sure this makes a lot of sense
someone at my table is talking to me
this musician apparently has a new cd
something that started as just like a
whatever you call a disc with just like four tracks
i can't think of what you call that now
but it, his concept, kept growing
and now
it was being released
and being considered
opus
i was looking at it
it seemed thick
but i'm not sure if it was two discs
or had a book with it
or what
and the cover
it looked different than anything he's ever done
it was solid
spanish white
or something
with a band of writing
and the only decorative element was the edge of the band
and he was talking
the musician
i mean
but i was having a hard time hearing
i was distracted by
him
and
the cd
and
the film or whatever it was on the wall
which suddenly burst into flames
which he didn't seem to notice
and i said:
is it supposed to be on fire
because i sorta thought it wasn't
and i couldn't stand for anything he had done
to be destroyed
and he looked at me
kinda disdainfully
and said:
well
i guess some people think i don't know what i'm doing

and it hurt me
it hurt me bad
and it embarrassed me
and it made me really angry
and i got up
and i stomped out
right past him
and i went to the balcony theater
because it isn't like i wasn't gonna watch it
i just wanted to be by myself

but the balcony was showing something else
because it wasn't a movie, of course
it was real live whatever it was supposed to be

so i had to suck it up
and stomp right back in
walking right past him

yeah that really showed him

what
exactly

warning graphic female content [yucky but cool]

ok
you remember how, a while back
my cycle went from 40 to 30 days
well, then it changed for a few months
it was 33 days
and i thought, well
that's just how it goes
i had a big burst of maca healing (or whatever)
and now i'm getting less effect
like with drugs
(whatever, don't take it personally)
but then i read some mumbo jumbo about how
you're supposed to be fertile at the same cycle of the moon
that it was when you were born
(actually i read linda goodman in the early 80s
so i guess, technically, i read the mumbo jumbo again)
but i looked it up anyway
and, if that's what it was doing
(time shifting)
and then going to a 28 day cycle
then happy happy blood time should start on the 16th

and guess what

so maybe i'm in sync with the universe
and all that cosmic jive

but, seriously
ovulating is awesome
when i didn't
the blood just built up and built up

ok warning, this is the really yucky stuff

so if i didn't change a super plus every 2 hours
it would seriously visibly run down my leg
like a gun shot victim
and i'd get these cramps
like some mixed martial arts kick to the pelvis
boom
all sudden-like
while trying to work and shit

now
it's seriously
like no big deal
and
i guess it isn't just the ovulating
because
they didn't stop sucking until a few months ago

so
we'll see
it might be a fluke
but
i'm super excited about being a girl right now

this is just jabber, but i'm feeling talky

so i went to see the switch
not because i really expected it to be good, exactly
really
i went to see it
because i want jason bateman to get more work
or rather
starring work
and it's not like i'm a jason bateman fan from way back or anything
but i watched arrested development a couple years ago
which i didn't innitially like
but it really grew on me

anyway

i actually think it was well crafted

in the first place
it was not really about the chick
which these chick flick movies usually are
it was about him
and it was
of course full of totally implausible shit
because
i mean, come on, it's a hollywood movie in the romantic comedy genre

but there was something kind of poetic

in the way he sort of found himself
or found his way out of himself, finally
or something

it's hard to explain

but it has to do with fatherhood
and being a man

and the fact that it's kind of poetic and hard to explain
i think
moves this film out of the ordinary

so
what i'm saying is
if you see it
let the formulaic crap just wash over you
just watch jason bateman and the kid (thomas robinson)

and
as a plus
it turns out
it's based on a short story
by jeffrey eugenides

this is just some random stuff

this isn't about dreams
this is just ramble
i think
and
maybe
that isn't too interesting
or maybe it is
i don't know
i guess
i thought it was

you know how
sometimes
when you diet or whatever
you have food cravings
well
mine are totally whack now
because i'm not craving things i used to eat
i am craving things like:

banana with onion

i looked that up
and all i got was pregnancy topics
and
unless we are talking
parthenogenesis
which would be really cool

so what's up with banana and onion

i mean they are both healthy and all but why together

and it sounds kinda revolting
and i didn't have any fresh bananas
but, when i looked, hard, i did have some banana chips
left over from a trail mix i made back in may
so i had a salad
with a whole onion
which is getting kinda common for me
and i had the banana chips for dessert
so not exactly together
but it was the first moment of non-onion-banana-y peace i've had

and, to be honest
it's kinda freaking me out

just now
i was in the laundry room
and i smelled mango
(olfactory hallucination)
and now
i could kill for mango
for my taste mango is a bit sweet
and i rarely eat it
i'm more of a papaya girl
and i have some papaya
and some watermelon
but i don't want those

i had a dandelion green salad
with a warm wild mushroom dressing
just a little while ago
and it was great
totally like i wanted that spinach salad to be years ago
only that warm bacon grease was yucky

i found some squash ravioli
and i haven't had pasta in forever
so i thought
for a treat
you know
cause my goal is to lose 30 pounds this month
and i've already lost 10
so i'm on target
but

it didn't even taste like food

i've crossed some line
and everything has changed

probably this is the last one for today, unless, thematically, i need to split it (which i might)

i dreamed i had tickets
had paid $100 for them
to see a show
an extravaganza, really
with that musician i really love-- you know the one
it was live performance
and video
and
i don't know what all
and i got there early
said "hi" to the singer
found my chair
then
realized i had forgotten my ticket
and
for some reason
i wasn't sure how to get to the dorms from the venue
so i asked lafleur
who, come to think of it, is also from louisiana
and sweet, but kinda right wing

and i ran
and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran
and
that wasn't where my dorm was
it was the med student dorm
so then i had to run around some more

the other night
i peddled around the city on my bicycle
i am waking up tired
i miss my car
where the hell is my car

anyway
by the time i found my ticket and got back
the entire show was over

i went back into the venue
now it was all banquets
and i sat and talked to the musicians
and then the guy himself sat next to me
and we talked
and i kind of accidentally on purpose
moved the side of my hand and wrist against his leg
his knee
but not in a sexy way, really
it was kind of spastic
but i couldn't help it
and he didn't realize i had missed the show
but i was kinda devastated about it
not to mention exhausted
and then i realized i had probably missed ACK-a-paloosa too
but he hadn't been there either
somebody had sung his song up all night
as a tribute
so he was sort of there in spirit
and i thought (but didn't say):
wow i didn't know you wrote that
when i first got mtv that was like one of three songs they played continually
he had just been interviewed by david letterman
we talked about that

then he went to be with his family
and i sat at a table
with goose neck lamps twisted around my head
and a waiter came and offered me a chocolate daiquiri
which sounded disgusting
but was the house specialty
so i said:
yeah okay
and then i talked to a guy
about a bar that has been in a bunch of my dreams, recently
discussing the landscape, as it were
and then
i'm uncomfortable
or something
and i go to the bathroom
and look in the mirror
one of the musicians i was talking to earlier
comes in
goes into the stall right behind me
visible in the mirror
and sits down
and i think:
i just wanted to get the image
of him
and his wife
and kids
standing in the mop sink
out of my head
i didn't need the image of you
taking a dump
to replace it

but i think there was more
that i can't remember
because
when i woke up
i don't remember it being
nearly
that
coherent

after i missed my final, in dreamland i got a final project to do instead, isn't that pretty weird

so
it seems
i'm either doing a multi-media project
or i'm writing a paper
which somehow involves telling a story
through multi-media
and i'm not really clear on which
maybe i can do either

i was in the library
everyone else seemed very clear
excited, even
and they seemed to be
working in groups

i was just wandering around the library
trying to decide if i had seen this library before
or if the city had changed again
my lucid dreaming moments
aren't always terribly effective
i think
that probably wasn't the salient factor

though i will say
there used to be
lots of high rises
elevators
such
and now
everything
seems to be
one story
sort of
mid-century modern
windowed

except
i did have a dream
where i had to jump
from flat surface to flat surface
from a pretty high height
to the ground
it was a war
or something
and i had a bag
with a head in it
i think it might have been the head of
joseph billy johnson
a guy i had german classes with
at first i thought he was an offensive idiot
but, somehow
he grew on me
he was from churchpoint louisiana
he was a very very happy guy
and he wanted to start a band
(probably because his best friend had one)
and he wanted me to sing
which never actually happened
but we wrote a few songs
and practiced some

so i don't know why i'm thinking about him
and i don't know why i was trying to
take his head to be reattached
but i do remember thinking
if i bumped it around a little
it wasn't a big deal

but other than that
(and don't get me wrong
i impressed myself with the jumping)
it's a pretty horizontal world

strange dreams, maybe because i'm reading valis

i've been reading valis
but only in the sauna
which is to say
for stints of less than an hour a pop
valis is making me love philip k. dick in a whole new way
but
it's also kinda blowing my mind

a few days ago
i had a dream which wasn't even vaguely about me
it was the seed of a story
but
it's not exactly a completely new concept
there was this, i'm not sure what to call it
person? thing? ???
it was very elbow-y
it's thing was
it could run current through every point in the universe at once
through all space and time
and it could sort of short circuit any one point
there was a name for this process
but i cannot now remember what it was
but it would leave a little card
you have been re-zapper-ized (or whatever)
and your whole life history would be changed
only
not your memory of it
so you'd have to just sort of figure it out as you went
that business you took years to build
gone
never happened
you've been re-zapper-ized
and
how the things were chosen
wasn't evil or malicious in any way
but
it wasn't random either
it just did what it was asked
i guess
maybe it had rules about not changing anything important
maybe it didn't
i didn't see that much
the instance of the guy loosing his business

his dog asked for that

i had this dream, i don't know what it means, there was so much stuff

i'm not exactly sure about the sequence
or whether that's important
it didn't hang together like a story
like they sometimes do
somebody was living in a school bus
with all the seats stripped out
but it was like double decker
or something
it had a fireplace
it was awesome
i'm not sure how that connects to anything else

i was living in these kind of attached home apartments
with communal green space
there were vegetable plants
planted too low
their depressions filled with water
but
too
there were some raised mounds
and i said (to you? maybe):
we could plant squash there
squash likes raised beds
and squash blossom is beautiful
and there was something about
our outdoor table and chairs
and mildly irritating neighbors

i was in college
and i had this english class
i didn't want to read the books
it was the end of term
it was snowing
everyone was headed out of town
i was headed somewhere
you
you were supposed to be somewhere
we talked briefly by phone
we each decided
we'd just be late
to wherever we were supposed to be
so we could spend a little while together
we met in a little coffee shop
i really liked this part of the dream
it was so simple and real
just a few stolen moments
in the warmth
watching people hurry through slushy streets
big picture window
on a small college town
i'm missing seventh period
oh, wow, my english final
whatever
i just skipped it
happily
there with you

then i was at some sort of trunk show
and i'm trying to sell purses
but then i'm categorizing light fixtures
by wattage
and cord length
and then
i'm wearing some sort of folk costume
it has a red wine shiny skirt
that sort of bells outward
thick like a shantung
but smooth
like a satin
and the top
is embroidered with flowers
black flowers
but then
suddenly
i think it's on backwards
and i turn the top around
and the flowers are green
and i'm wearing a dress
and i look good
and then my purses are selling
two years later
the colors i chose
are finally
no longer too avant

i feel like there was more
but i can't remember

apology

the next story
may the circle be unbroken
probably sucks
i tried all these different ways
to come at it
and
i didn't like
the "clever" ways
because
they weren't all that clever
so
i decided
to just go right at it
but
i think
it still
kinda sucks
but
it didn't totally suck
and
it's been
forever
so
i felt like i had to
just
have something
and
actually
it's just the ending
that i think sucks
it probably
needs
to be
a
film

May the Circle be Unbroken

I've been wanting to tell ever since what could be called the first date-- though perhaps it wasn't really a date at all and, regardless, not a successful one-- but every time I try the events become jumbled and I don't know how to proceed. Do you know how some things you remember just like they happened yesterday? This is not one of those sorts of things. The truth is I remember it-- but maybe it isn't even true. Maybe what I remember is the memory of memories worried out like trouble dolls again and again, and now I'm trying to describe where everyone sat at the tea party. Where and how to start, yes. But not just that. When I was studying French there was a tense, that totally baffled me (pluperfect or something), that was used for things that happened recurrently; the problem was that it wasn't things that happened recurrently to me, but rather, things that were supposed to happen recurrently according to the rules, which seemed random. Something like that, anyway, irregular. I guess that's what I'm looking for. The layers of use and reuse of memory haven't distorted it in a tape-of-a-tape-of-a-tape-sort-of-way-- it's really more like the conjugation of an irregular verb. What I don't want to do is exactly what I find myself doing. Then I get angry. Think I'm boring. Never tell the story.

So. Big deal. Who cares about some stinky old story, anyway?

Well, actually I do. I care about it a lot. I think it is essential, somehow.

How can it be when you don't even believe it? Tell me that .

I may not totally believe it, but I believe in it. Understand?

Like people believe in Santa Claus or the tooth fairy?

No. Not like that at all. Like you believe the fairies are controlling the car when your father drives you around at night in the darkly wooded neighborhoods where rich people live because he takes his hands off the wheel and the car still goes.

He said the fairies are controlling the car.

Yes. And when all the trees have been cut down you will imagine them in the stylized linkin log lettering of the dive bar near where they used to be and wonder if the fairies died out like the fireflies they probably always were or if they moved on to happier hunting grounds, but you'll never actually go in to the dive bar, and then, when that's gone too...

Like when they cut down the tree in the yard and then I stood on the stump and could still feel the tree, but when they dug it out and planted flowers I couldn't feel the tree anymore?

Yes. Kind of like that. But with a lot more pretending.

Do you pretend a lot?

Yes. I think I do.

Are you pretending now?

I'm not sure. Would you play a game with me now?

What kind of game?

Would you take me on a tour? Nothing fancy. Just up to the park.

Sure. Here is the house where I live. It's my gran-gran and paw-paw's house. My daddy lived here when he was a kid too. He says they were the first house on the block to have a TV. Isn't that funny? This big pot here, this plant is called wandering jew.

That's why you like purple so much, isn't it?

My favorite color is red, not purple!

Sorry. I should have kept that to myself. I guess. Please continue.

This is called monkey grass. My paw-paw has a green thumb. So we have fancy grass. That's a crepe myrtle. That's a mimosa tree. The lady who lives across the street has lived there since my daddy was small and her name is Frances. Frances can be a girl-name or a boy-name and you say it the same, but you spell it different.

Can you spell?

No. But I know my a,b,c's. Want to hear?

Not right now. Maybe later. Right now I want to go to the park, but after, if you want we can go to the U-Totem and get a frostie root beer or a delaware punch. Those are your favorites, right?

Or coke. I like coke too. My gran-gran says coke used to be medicine or something and even though it doesn't have all the stuff that made it a medicine, because that stuff's illegal now, it's still kind of a medicine and good to drink if you have a tummy ache. If we go to the U-Totem can I go barefooted?

Of course. Is there any other way?

I like the way, the regular street is hot, it burns your feet and you have to hop, but there's this big bumpy stripe in the street it's all white and cool and you can walk right on it. That's my favorite part.

Can we take the alley to the park?

There aren't any mudpuddles to stomp.

I know.

That's not the way I go.

I know, but I was just thinking how I never see alleys anymore.

Do you know they used to deliver milk in bottles and leave them in that alley?

When did they stop doing that?

I don't know. My gran-gran just told me they used to. Maybe they did when I was little. I don't remember it though.

So can we go down the alley?

No. It has the best mudpuddles if I'm walking with my daddy, but I only walk in the alley when I'm with my daddy.

Well, that's probably safer. People might back their cars out without looking where they're going. But, this has been concerning me: do they really let you walk up to the park by yourself?

Yes.

I would not let you walk up to the park by yourself if you were my kid. How old are you?

I'm four years old. I'm not your kid. Why not?

I don't think it's safe. I think about the things that could happen to you.

One time I stepped in an ant bed and I didn't know I was in an ant bed and they started crawling on me and biting me and there were millions of ants biting me and my daddy was there that time and he put me in a puddle and washed those ants off me. You mean like that?

That wasn't really what I meant, but yeah, ok, like that.

But I was a little kid then. I know about ant beds now.

Nevermind.

So this is the direction to go to get to the park. Watch where you're going, because, see, the sidewalk goes up and down. That's because the tree roots push the sidewalk up. It's really cool. It's my favorite part of the sidewalk. Now we're about to cross the street, it's not a busy street, but you still need to look both ways. This is my favorite tree. My daddy lifts me up there and I like to sit right there. See?

I see. Can you see very far from there?

Not too far. I can see farther from the top of the side. I used to climb up there, but then I was scared to slide down. It's really tall. My daddy would have to climb up and get me. One day he got me to slide down, but I slid wrong and I fell off half way down.

But he caught you, right?

Yeah, how did you know?

He might have mentioned it.

And there are the swings. And there's the hill. And over there is the clubhouse.

What's the hill good for?

You can kind of roll down it, or you can lie in the grass and look at the clouds. I like the hill.

It's the hill I'm particularly interested in.

Why?

I remember some sort of gathering up on the hill.

The one with the big tent?

Yes, that one.

It must have been some hippie thing because I recognized some of my aunt e.e.'s friends.

And do you remember what they were doing?

They held hands and they danced in a big circle.

Around the tent?

Yes.

So, on that much we agree.

Yes.

Do you remember anyone giving you a sugar cube?


Here she just walks over and lies in the grass. She ignores me.

I remember a sugar cube. But the way the person looked who gave me the sugar cube changes. Sometimes. When I replay the scene the tennis court, which was subsequently built, is there, but it contracts out of the way and reforms when people move. I don't know how to integrate this information. The sugar cube seems tied to the tennis court somehow. This makes me think it is a later addition. But it might not be that simple. I always resented the tennis court for ruining my hill. My other aunt was excited about the tennis court, wanted to play, might have even paid for lessons for me, but I wanted nothing to do with the big ugly paved thing that had destroyed my hill.


The tent was a regular white pavilion tent, the kind they use for outdoor weddings.

It was striped and huge. It was a circus big top.

The hippies wandered up and under the tent.

There wasn't any music.

There weren't any speeches.

The person who approached me was a woman, a man with long hair, a clown, filled, with no malice, no intent to harm, nothing but love, no reason to fear.

I lie in the grass and watch the hippies join hands and run and dance around and around in a circle dance. They shimmer in the sunlight. The circle undulates, expands, contracts, everything seems to be breathing. The big top is breathing. There isn't any sound at all.

It lasts forever.

Then.

It's over.

The hippies leave as suddenly as they arrived. They leave in twos and threes.

I get up.

I walk home.

master cleanse - day 10

i ate soup tonight
not yucky lemon gut soup
i broke my fast about 3 hours ago
with some yummy broth
i made with
kombu
shitake
onion
dry spices
nutritional yeast
and
a sprig of fresh rosemary

i can't say i've ever really
used rosemary before
i associate it with
rosemary chicken
most of all
and
maybe
focaccia bread

it was just what i wanted

orange juice will have to wait for tomorrow
i've got oranges to squeeze
i've got celery to juice
i've got miso to soup

i didn't lose that much weight
only about 10 pounds
and
i'm not sure
that i'm out of toxins
but
i do think it was really good for me

i'm thinking about
incorporating fasting into regular life
like maybe one day a week
or some set amount of time per month
or something
i haven't decided yet

i was hoping for
some mystical experience
but
most of what i got
was very practical

i guess
someday
i will
have to have
that
fast

in the desert

master cleanse - day 7

this
isn't so much about day 7 per se
it's more about
my thoughts on the master cleanse thus far

like i said before
i started with lemon juice and cayenne
maybe a couple weeks before
i think that's why my body wanted me to stop eating
so it could catch up with the detox
so when i tell you this stuff
(and it might be kinda gross
you might not want to read this)
it's not just a 7 day effect

but
there are parts of me
that i thought:
well that's all firm
must be all muscle

nuh uh

the texture of the fat has changed
which makes it harder to look at myself
because
now it's all fat looking

that's the down side

but it isn't really
because
now it looks like something that doesn't belong
and must go
which can't ultimately be a bad thing
but
in the short term
i look fatter to me

the up side is

a bunch of stuff

i thought all my chronic pain was gone
nuh uh
much less now

i thought my range of motion
was pretty good
(for my age)
since i have been mildly detoxing for months
nuh uh
much better now

but
the weird thing is
i can see
tangibly
how those things
might actually improve
yet still more
like maybe there could be
a couple more
i thought it wasn't bad before
moments

i totally see why people are tempted
to go on ridiculously long bouts of master cleanse
i see it
but
i think it is flawed reasoning
it cannot be good
to make your body
stay in hard core detox mode
can it

anyway
unless i have some whack come-to-jesus moment
i think 10 days is going to be all
this time
which doesn't mean
i'll stop detoxing
but
this feels too active
and violent
to make me think i should continue longer

(and
in the spirit of full disclosure
i should mention
i think
i'm probably taking much more cayenne
than is probably meant
because
it said you could take 2 cayenne capsules
if you couldn't deal with the taste
or a fairly small amount of cayenne mixed in
so i'm doing the capsules
but
that means
i'm taking 2 x 100,000btu x 6
and i suspect
it meant
something 40,000btu
or less)

but
seriously
i keep kinda fantasizing
about doing a cartwheel

stupid stuff

this was a very good decision i think

master cleanse - day 6

so
it wasn't my original intention
to update you today
but
i discovered that i am a fucking genius
so i had to write that
while it was fresh in my head

last night
i dreamed about eating chicken
and i don't know if it's digesting the fiber or what
but today
today i have been ravenous all day

and that fiber isn't really working the way i need it to
because i didn't take into account soluble fiber
so
when i started feeling like vomit time might be near
i juiced up the lemon rinds
with some ginger
(because it settles your stomach)
and that fiber is pretty insoluble
but i was still starving
so

i made chicken soup
from the lemon guts the juicer spit out

no lie

i boiled em for a while with
white pepper
garlic powder
celtic sea salt
it made this big nasty pulp
and i pushed that in a strainer
and got a small amount of concentrate
i added more spices
nutritional yeast
and hot water
and
it was way way too bitter
so
i added a tiny bit of maple
and voila

now
i mean spices are not
strictly speaking
part of the master cleanse
and
nutritional yeast is more of a supplement
which there is some debate about the allowability
so
you could say
that i cheated
if that's what you really wanted to say
but
i feel like macgyver

it was a little bitter
but
the texture
and
the flavor
was really chicken-soup-esque
chock-full-o-insoluble fiber, b12, protein, et al
and 70 calories
the same as the way i'm supposed to make the lemonade

and
so far
no vomit

yeah