goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much
I'm going to bed now
I hope you meet me in dreamland

also
I just got an email from ritualwell
and it reminded me
I had another dream


I saw you
but
I don't know if you knew I saw you
and I wanted to talk to you
but some girl was with me
and I couldn't get away from her
and by the time I did
you were gone
and
I was on some tour
and I started talking to some guy
about Judaism
and
since he didn't know anything about it
I felt like it was ok
I'm not like an expert
but
ya know
I've studied it a little
and I was talking about
mystical Judaism
and
how weird it was to me
that Hassidim were both mystical
but really restrictive
and kinda sexist (imo)
when I think of mysticism as free
and open and egalitarian
only
I couldn't think of the word
Hassidim
I was all like
the people in Brooklyn
with the hats
it was weird
and
I don't know what it means


and weird
to be reminded of a dream
by an email from ritualwell


I love you sweetheart
I hope you have a great day

I dreamed a story idea
the affordable education act
has made downloading your consciousness into another body common
we follow two students
one is downloaded into
a body of a girl in a fairly small college town
she has a hard time adjusting
to the fact that her landlord
is the father of the body
and he really doesn't trust this process
he wants to make sure
his daughter's body stays safe


the other
is his daughter
who has transferred into
a boy's body
in a big city
and she kinda goes wild

goodnight sweetheart
I love you

stuff i spend a day playing with (book title ideas)

this started the process:

a fist full of dollars, a hand full of rain

i was thinking about the line in the song where louise holds out a hand full of rain
and since i had done the ending beginning
that's got me thinking again
and i'm all with the names and titles and such
and this is maybe the clickbait equivalent of a book title
i would pick it up

plus
ya know
there's a level on which it totally works
except
fist full of dollars is all
anti hero and violent and not happy
so then
i had to spend the rest of the day
thinking up
like
counter arguments to that one--  which i really like


so, like my old working titles had been
the adventures of jack and lucky & the sound of rain

those are both fine
but
i think the jack and lucky is either a story within a story
or like a whole nother thing that what i'm writing
and the sound of rain
was a meta concept thing that isn't what i'm writing now
besides
it's kinda dull as a title



then i've got a whole slew of ones derived from the song lyrics


holding out a handful of rain, daring you to defy it

holding out a handful of rain

hand full of rain

to catch the rain in the palm of ones hand

clutching the rain

catch the rain


of which, i think i like  hand full of rain the best


then i just started kinda free associating


rain in the hand is worth...bird....

four and twenty blackbirds/hand full of rain

i think there were more
but
i left the paper in my apron pocket
those were the ones i liked best

what i liked about them
was the non-sequitur-ness and the punctuation
i love the idea of a slash in a title
i love the idea of incorporating a nursery rhyme
or an idiom
plus
that particular one reminds me of one of my favorite "jokes"


that requires an aside

i don't like "jokes" like "telling a joke"  like a set thing
like "a priest, a rabbi, and a somethin else walk into a bar"
i don't like that kind of stuff very much
i like more conversational/monolog-y humor
observational and whatnot

this is the kind of stuff that ashleigh was usually trying to tell me
that i wasn't laughing at
i'm just not into it

i do however have one that i love
so
if i ever like have to tell a "joke"
this is the one i would tell
very deadpan
and no one ever laughs
which i like


how many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb...
...fish

i love it love it love it
but, ya know, i don't laugh either


and
to me
there is something about that joke
contained within  rain in the hand is worth...bird

the "/" is like
suddenly a mashup of
sing a song of six pence, a pocket full of rye
there's nothing, really nothing to turn off
four and twenty black birds baked in a pie
the ghost of 'lectricity howls in the bones of her face
and when the pie was opened, the birds began to sing
while my conscience explodes
now wasn't that a dainty dish to set before the king

which appeals to me
but
might not make any sense to anyone else


and
i know
i should write it first
then pick a title
but
in the way that the ending comes first
the title influences what the book becomes
like when you name a kid
they live up to their name, ya know

and
i mean
actually
there is still the option to change the title
if it seems warranted later
so
in that sense
maybe it's a working title
but
maybe i'm just weird like that

read this first (before book titles)

i'm a little out of it today
and i feel like i haven't been that fun for you lately
sometimes i worry about that
and sometimes
i worry about it
what i mean is
sometimes i worry about it
and it stresses me out, like i just can't
and it makes me feel overwhelmed, a little
too much on my plate
and i guess it brings up some past baggage
because i start saying things to myself like
dancing monkey

sometimes
like right now
i think that i want to do something for you
i want to make you happy
and i'm not sure how to accomplish that

sometimes
i just do stuff
and i feel like it's pretty good

i feel like that's all normal
and that you can relate to it
or else
i would probably try to protect you from these feelings

i feel like
you don't always respond well
to my negative feelings
which makes sense

but
you have to
well, you don't have to understand
but it would be helpful if you did
i do not feel like i grew up in an unconditional love situation
maybe i did
but
it felt pretty conditional
except maybe gran gran
but
then she wouldn't fight to keep me
which wasn't her responsibility
but
it makes her unconditional thing less safe, ya know

anyway, shit, i didn't mean to go all up in there

what i'm trying to say
is
i worry
sometimes
on some level
that you might stop loving me
if i don't

this is gonna sound bad

trigger warning

keep you entertained


now
mostly not
mostly, i think, if you were gonna stop
then you woulda already
but
like now
you might have more room for me
and
i'd like to fill that space
be the perfect muse
but
my life isn't so good for that right now
and you don't really want to hear about the cat
having pancreatitis
and the bullshit at work

i'm living it and i don't even want to hear it

and i just had happy happy blood time
which was ok, thankfully
and i'm a little depressed
or maybe a lot depressed, i'm not sure
i'm having intrusive thoughts
about the time leading up to harvey's death
and
i feel poorly equipped for human interaction of any kind


the funnest thing i've done
in recent memory
was make a list of book titles one day
when i was working register
maybe i should share that with you

this is kinda long, but it intrigues me

I hope you had a good day
I almost enjoyed resetting my dept
Karl helped me
and he was really helpful


I love you very much sweetheart
and I feel like
I want to ask you questions
but I can't
also
I want to tell you some stuff
but I can't
so
I will just say
I wish I was there
and
that I'm going to sleep
so
if you want to play the sleeping game
I would very much enjoy that
goodnight sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart
i'm working from 6pm to 2am sunday-monday
because the whole dept has to be flipped
from horizontal orientation
to vertical orientation

i can't seem to stay awake though

so i'm going to bed now
and
i'm going to sleep as long as i can


i love you very much

well, I don't know if we were still playing the sleeping game or not
but
it seems to me like we were
I had very involved dreams
really none of which I remember
because
what I remember was
everyone was talking about Kate Micucci
so that was either you
or something weird is up
because I dont know her well enough to get her name right
I kept dreaming it as marcucci

goodnight sweetheart
I'm going to bed
I love you very much

I love you sweetheart
have a good day

wow

that dream was amazing
there was this whole
like Viking culture, or something
one man was linked to a shrine
as ritual sacrifice and gambler
another man was honored
and then
this whole complicated
texture story
having to do with clothing
telling the early history story
through the texture of the cloth


so
idk
I'm guessing it's an article of clothing
and
if I had to guess
I am going to guess it's a hoodie
because of the whole story contained part


even if I'm wrong
it was a very cool dream
unlike anything I've ever dreamed

goodnight sweetheart
i'm going to bed now
after sleeping in the chair a while

if you want to
try to send me something in my dream
and i will tell you what i dream
hand me, in the dream, an object
like really visualize it, though
think about the way it looks and feels

i will tell you what i dream

if you don't want to
that's ok too

i hope you had fun today
and i'm sorry i can't be there with you

i love you very much

i hope you're having an
exciting
and
creative
day
or
that you're resting
have fun tonight
i love you very much

I love you sweetheart
I'm going to bed now
try to meet me in dreamland
but
if you have been thinking
coffee and chocolate at me
then you need to add more to the thought
because I'm turning them into work dreams


I'm specifically waking up
thinking
oh coffee and chocolate
that is probably him


but
I'm waking up
from some coffee shop
version of my current district manager
being a complete asshole
and
that sucks
so add more
so it could be
a funner dream
cool


I love you sweetheart

i don't remember what it looked like
but I do remember the concept
this severed ear in a pool of blood
and
I'm gonna go ahead and
say
I wasn't able to
make it look like my vision
it was mostly pen and ink
line work
which is not my strong suit


it should have been
a very textured oil painted ear in a pool
of very textured oil painted blood
that was maybe
computer morphed
into different landscapes
that were photos
maybe
the band sitting in night cafe chairs
with the ear in the near focus ground
like in the street
for example




i don't think most of my graphics
stuff was all that good
from an execution standpoint
I'm not really a good graphic artist
but
i had some kick ass concepts
probably
I'm more of a conceptual artist
really


i had that problem in architecture too
Ms Schwartz wanted to give me a A
from my pitch and concept design
but
my model was so badly constructed
[i just could not do it]
i think i ended up with a B
maybe even a B-


hope you are doing well
my breasts don't hurt anymore
so we're on better terms today


i love you sweetheart

I fell asleep in the chair
I have to go to bed
but
I remembered
and want to tell you
in high school
in graphics
I dont remember which year
we had to design
and actually like physically make
an album
I mean
not record it
just the art
but
my band was a kinda
punky new wave thing
called
the van Gogh project
and
I did write all the song lyrics
and liner notes
🎶😊 🎶


I love you

hey
have fun today
I love you

crap
I fell asleep in the chair again
goodnight sweetheart

I hope I didn't freak you out
and
I didn't mean
to expose pit hair
I know that's taboo
and I'll erase it
I didn't realize it was visible in the picture

goodnight sweetheart
I fell asleep in the chair again
I just thought that video was cute
visit me
in dreamland
if you can

this is what i wrote this morning. i'm not editing it, just typing as is.

i'm one of those people.

i flip to the end of a book--  read the ending first.  i know.  but seriously, it doesn't interfere it gives me information i need.  over the 15 years i've been trying to write our story the ending came to me in a flash about 5 years in--  it's exactly the kind of ending i like in a book, it doesn't make any sense unless you've read the book but it gives tone and style.  so here's the book ending.





she stood on the platform smoking and looking out over the snow.  in the middle distance three ravens played and called to her, or themselves, or no one in particular.  she watched them.  she breathed in the frozen air.

i love you too ernest.





well, the actual words have changed a bunch of times, and that changes it for sure, but the image--  that's like set in stone--  that's the end of the book, for sure.  the beginning seems like it'd be easy, but, ya know, not so much really.  and the middle--  containing the structure and like what the story is actually about--  well, that's impossible.







[my commentary tonight]
i don't love this whole cloth, but i really really like the idea of starting with the ending and that that doesn't give anything away.  i also like the way i wrote the ending.  it's less descriptive than any other version i've ever written, but it seems to encapsulate more elements in a casual off-hand way than any other version i've ever written.  the bit after the ending, i'm not fond of, and i think maybe i had gotten interrupted.

also, at this point, that being the ending begs a lot of questions.  am i only doing the first 5 years?  am i being in any way chronological?  or am i jumping around in a stream of consciousness way?  which is what i have been leaning toward for a while.  but does it need a framework?  yes, yes it does.

good morning sweetheart
I was on register this morning
and I started writing something
maybe I will write it down for you later
hope all is well
love you

good morning sweetheart

good morning sweetheart
hope everything is well
I love you very much

i just had the most amazing dream

I've been having very complex dreams
for a while
where I wake up
kinda tired from the dreaming
but
I usually can't remember much
and I can't remember much
from this one either
but
what I do remember, wow


ok
so
I met a bunch of people
people with businesses
in decor
and wine
and music
and
I went to a music and wine festival
but it was enormous
and it had this whole
built in feature
like
it was like what pleasure island at Disney World would be
if it was super cool
instead of lame


and there was this whole
philosophical conversation
about wandering
it was like a quantum theory
for groupies
how
sometimes
you need to wander off
and listen to other bands
and just keep tabs
if your band starts to sound
like something else
it's time to go back
but
if you never give them a break
they never change and grow
they just become too much like themselves
which is not a good thing


they also had
an amazing system
where you could be listening
to other bands
but checking in on your band


and
then
this amazing social media thing
where I saw
the women decorators I met
lounging on new chaise
talking about what they learned
at the festival
and the wine lady
was talking to a friend of hers
about
if she could get the money together
to buy two titles from this winery
she would be able to make
a lot of profit from
she called it the legs
by which she meant
additional wines she could buy from them
at a big discount


I was going to check in on bands
so
I pointed this wand at myself
which was supposed to
calibrate the quantum thing
and play me music
but
it crashed the system
and I woke up


I am super hoarse
I'm coughing
and my nose is actively running
but
I feel a lot better


plus
I feel like
I just made like half a dozen
really cool friends


it was a really good dream

I have felt more normal this evening
and have stayed up semi-late
I hope everything is good with you
I'm confused
I love you
hopefully I haven't upset you somehow
I'm going to go to bed
in a few minutes
maybe you're already asleep
if not
come visit me in dreamland

well
I guess I feel better
I'm no longer chilled
back still hurts bad
but front is better
(I think)
I don't feel right
and
I don't want to go to work
I left early yesterday
but
I don't even know what this is
very weird 


I am going to work though
even though I don't want to

something you probably don't know about me
my resting body temperature
is not 98.6
I'm not sure exactly what it is
because
I never think to take it
unless I feel feverish
which I did
today
I have chills
it's 100 outside
I took my temperature
97.7
I think I have fever
I think it's normally
93 or something
you can't tell doctors that
I once tried
that basal whatever whatever method
to test when you're ovulating
I was much younger
and sleeping with a guy
who didn't keep his waterbed heated
and
I swear
when I woke up
and took my temperature
it was like 63 or something
he started mocking me about bein a corpse
and I decided
there was no need to know
exactly when I was fertile


anyway
going to bed
I love you sweetheart

I'm going to work today
but
I still feel unwell
it might just be menstrual/hormonal
idk
my main symptom today
is pretty bad pain
in a band across my abdomen
and lower back
yesterday
I had an upset stomach
headache
and
I couldn't stand without
extreme fatigue
I slept
a ton
and
to be honest
I coulda slept more
so, idk
my body is fighting me
I guess


I don't expect today to be a walk in the park
but
I love you
and
I want your day
to be fantastic!

there
hopefully that's better
although I'm still not firing on all cylinders
but
happy birthday sweetheart
I love you

ok
bad choice maybe
I stayed home sick yesterday
and pretty much slept all day
I heard that
thought it was beautiful
didn't vet it like i normally would
title
sound
not words
I love you sweetheart
I wasn't trying to be obnoxious

I dreamed
I was in prison
also
I was a man
and
it was some future
post apocalyptic prison
everything was wooden fenced in pins
exposed to the weather
and
I think
I was innocent
it was a long and complicated dream
but
I can't remember any more

I fell asleep in the chair again
I love you sweetheart

I just had a homeless guy
(I assume he is, anyway)
who came in to get a drink of water
tell me
after a very short chat
that
he gets to decide
who stays on earth
and who goes to Neptune
and
I can stay here on earth
if I want to
he says
I wanted
to ask him
like
the pros and cons of Neptune
but
I wasn't sure if that was a good idea
so
I just said
something like
oh, ok
like I was taking it under advisement
which
I kinda felt like I was


I love you sweetheart
hope you are having
a very relaxing day

i have this idea

watching the videos with the water sounds
made me remember how much i miss that sound
from back when i had fish tanks
and that made me think
about sleeping in the greenhouse
i'm not sure it makes sense
to try to
like
live in the greenhouse
as such
but
maybe sleeping in the greenhouse is a thing

i really really hope
that you aren't unhappy with me

i have things
i'd like to talk about
that i can't
and
stuff
i might not understand
but
regardless
i haven't felt you at all today
well
maybe once
and
so
ya know
whatever
i'm in the midst of what seems like a long stretch
of being paranoid
or overly sensitive
or
hormonal
whatever
but

i'm assuming
we're good
i think

and
i'm going to continue to plan
my little off grid thing
assuming that you will
not take it as an assault against you somehow, right
because it is not meant that way

i love you
goodnight sweetheart

good morning sweetheart
I love you

good morning sweetheart i love you

I had very complicated dreams
and when I got up
about two hours ago now
I didn't feel like I could have been
asleep for more than
5 minutes
even though
I'd been snoozing
for 30 minutes
but
I was physically very comfortable
so
I don't think
it was a stressful dream
but
I can't remember what it was
and
I don't know what it means


I got 5 hours of sleep
and
I rarely get more than 6
except on days off
I feel like we must have
been discussing important things
do you remember
what
we were talking about?

sweetness

I love you
dream with me tonight
psychedelic visions

ok
it feels like
you've been doing that
corkscrew thing
which is much stranger
standing up
so
I love you
I guess you are trying to get my attention
and
I feel ya
you love me
stuff's ok
I'm just
freaking out

I love you sweetheart
meet me
if you can
in dreamland

how you doin?
love you sweetness

a nice thing happened to me
I was singing along with the music
which usually I don't
but
right then I was
because
I couldn't help myself
and
myrca
she turns to me
and she says
you have a really beautiful voice
and
I can't remember the last time
anyone said that to me
and
it made me really happy


this is the song
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ihsQTnCPb70

good morning sweetheart

I love you

I'm not saying
I'd rather be a hermit
than live with you
or anything like that
just
ya know

you can buy land
in that area they are all talking about
close-ish to Marfa
$3000 for 10 acres
you have to be off grid
but
that is cheap enough
to make me think
hey
it's possible
like the convergence of
several dreams
and
I feel a lot less helpless
of course
I'm not sure what
I can build myself
all alone
but
I'm thinkin
I've got ideas


wild wild west 😊

good morning sweetheart
I love you

somehow
I missed seeing notifications
so
probably would have missed


I'm up now
good morning/ early afternoon
I love you

good morning sweetheart
I love you

i hope everything is good
in your world

i love you very much

i'm feeling an intense dread of going to work
it's promo change again
so
i may not be where you expect me to be
at the times
i would normally be there

i think
i need
something
my
attitude needs adjusting

also
i'm starting to bore myself

i don't really want to talk
to people
that talking is what's boring me

i need an adventure

good morning sweetheart

I love you

good morning sweetheart

I love you

good morning sweetheart
I love you

goodnight sweetheart

i love you

I ordered that Matelassé bedspread
the one on pinterest
although
in the twin size
the full was sold out
and
afterward
I remembered
when I was in my teens
or twenties
I told my mom I wanted one
for Xmas
although
when I heard Matelassé
I didn't put it together as the same thing
I had called it
never having heard it
MATE-a-LACE
although I didn't realize
the pattern could vary
I thought they looked
classy
and homey
at once
what my mother wanted to get me
though
was chenille
which I didn't want
I thought those looked
tacky
so
as I recall
I didn't get either

I dreamed
I lived on this piece of land
a lot of the dream
I can't remember
but
I know there were fish
maybe they were salmon
but
they were in this giant structure
my sense of it
is that they were swimming
but
somehow they also seemed
stationary
and
I could hear the whispers
of their hopes and dreams
and
I tried to make them come true

I dreamed I was a young teenager
and I went to some weird school
first
I was just stuck there
but then
somehow
I got transferred to a new branch
or something
and
I rode on the truck at night
not really sure
of exact details
but
we stopped for gas
and the guy went somewhere
I'm all putting my legs up
on the dash board
and thinkin thoughts
I dont remember now
but
I was young and kinda oblivious
the dash flashed me a sign
tank too full for engine on
I didn't turn the car on
I didn't notice it was on, though
I hopped out of the car
it was making weird noises
and a person on the street said
smoke came out the front
then
I wondered if I had turned it off
or if it would explode
but then
the driver guy came back
and started the car
so yes
I must have turned it off
yay me


I woke up
with a headache


hope you are doing well
love you sweetheart

well
I'm not very satisfied with the whole vet situation
she's saying
if he hasn't eaten by tomorrow morning
he might need to go to the emergency clinic
he might need a feeding tube
they gave him
an antibiotic
fluids, twice
an appetite stimulant
pain killers
some sort of blood test
xrays


he doesn't have any blockage
he maybe, they're pretty sure
has pancreatitis


she's not my favorite
I get where she's coming from
but I think
I may try a new vet


kitty
after all that drama
with the force feeding
just walked straight to the food dish
and
has been menacing me ever since
just say no
to appetite stimulants


it was very expensive
and
didn't seem
very rewarding


whatever
kitty's ok
I guess
but
why
is his pancreas enlarged


I'm gonna keep the appetite stimulants
in case I have this problem again
I'm not planning to give them to him
unless he stops eating


oh
she also suggested
anti anxiety medication
for the cat


goodnight sweetheart
I'm pretty exhausted
and
I already fell asleep
in the chair

I feel weird
like
maybe I'm going to jump out of my skin
but
I've been taking "hemp oil"
which I'm led to believe
is cbd
for
idk
a few days
so
maybe
since I forgot to take it this morning
the anxiety is back
I don't usually notice
but
I guess
if it's been gone
I'd notice it coming back
I feel
sorta
ptsd

now
I miss buzz
and I'm really sad
something is up with me
hormonally
this is too much
emotion
roller coaster


you are ok
kitty is ok
I'm ok
everything is ok


jesus

ok
here's something
I didn't ever suspect about myself
and I dont even think it was true
until I had a special needs baby
but
it doesn't seem to have gone away
even with the big tough
cuts me when he feels like it baby
although
he hasn't been doing that
the last month or so


I am
the most helicoptery
helicopter mom
like ever
I am literally sick to my stomach
and
I tell them way too much
and
have a note
I don't know that I like this
about myself
if he could talk
it would be better


I hope you are having a beautiful day
it's rainy here
I love you sweetheart

I'm up early
because I have to take it cat in
he's not eating
or drinking
he threw up a bunch of times
on Sunday
and since then he's just lay around
all listless
I wanted to wait until Wednesday
to take him in
but
I'm worried about him
and
I'm afraid
about the not drinking
and etc


I'm having a paranoid moment
where I feel like
whatever I say to you
or don't say to you
you will misinterpret
and
I will hurt you
so
just know
I'm crazy about you
and
anything
I say
or
don't say
should not be interpreted
negatively


I think
you are the best thing
since sliced bread
and
if I fail to make that clear
or
you're ever wondering
if I'm trying to criticize you
well, no, I'm not


I'm not saying
look
I'm not sure how paranoid I am
I'm a little worked up
I woke up
and immediately
thought of a way
one of the sweetest videos
I've seen
could be taken negatively


just
I love you, ok
I think you are great
and i love you very much

good morning
sweetheart
I love you

goodnight sweetheart
I fell asleep in the chair again
happy father's day
I love you

I'm thinkin about you

goodnight sweetheart
I love you

hope you're having fun today
pretty sure it's not hot where you are
I love you
sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart
I love you

I'm like on a bender
I've made it about half way through the bottle
but
it's not like I'm even tipsy
because it's spread out
over like 7 or 8 hours


hope you're doing great
I love you

ok.
all done.


I'm goin to the liquor store.


margarita time!


whoo hoo

well
inventory is done
and
most of my signs for the new promo are out
I still need to do
the refrigerated case signs
and all the stuff up front
but
I'm mostly done


things you may not know about me
I cannot spell
refrigerator or refrigerated
without spell check


although I learned in
third grade or maybe fourth
that the was no R in wash
I have never learned that there is no D
in refrigerator


that's just the truth
I'm a terrible speller
i used to sometimes go through
three or four synonyms
trying to find a word i was sure i was spelling right
because
you don't get extra
for a good essay
if you spell all illiterate-y
and i have a big vocabulary
i just can't spell

I'm not feeling very good
I'm feeling like I haven't slept at all
acidy stomach
slightly dizzy
this is some bs
I got sleep
why do I feel so bad

my aunt Joan
I can never remember
is her birthday 4/21
or 4/24
is that bad
I can't remember
she only lived to be 57
I worry about
how young everybody died
like
maybe I don't have much time left

did not sleep well
woke up about every hour or so
worried, I assume, that I'd oversleep
very complicated
puzzle type dreams
that I don't remember
so
today
inventory
we have an outside firm come in
which sucks
it would be so much better
if we just did it ourselves
and then
signage for new promo that starts today
so
no stress at all
just too much to do
4-12
so at least I get 7 1/2 hours
maybe 8
because I may not get a lunch
but
whatever
it'll be over by noon


I love you sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart
I'm shooting to wake up at 1am
I love you very much

hope it's goin good today
it's my paw paw's birthday
I'm pretty sure
so how old would he be
104 I'm pretty sure
I'm pretty sure he was born in 1914
and my gran gran was born in 1915
yeah
that's right
she died beginning of January
before my 15th birthday
and she was 67
so 1982
that's right
he would have been 104
he was 70 when he died


I don't usually think about their birthdays
but
I keep thinkin about the kid's bein
somewhere around now
and that makes me think
about birthdays
but
still it usually doesn't
align
that way

good morning sweetheart
I didn't quite make my 4am goal
but 4:30 is pretty close
hope your day is beautiful
when I get off work today
I have to eat
and then go right to bed
or
that's the plan, anyway
I love you

goodnight sweetheart
hope you're having fun
I'm going to bed
and I'm going to try to
wake up at 4am
fingers crossed
I love you very much

I've had a shower
I feel better
headache is less
slightly jammed shoulder
almost back to normal
I'm drinking coffee
and
that's good
I love coffee
I would love to go back to sleep, honestly
even though that might make me more sore
I'm just so tired
I'm enthusiastic that I'm wearing a skirt today
and I have a donut left I can have for breakfast
and I have enchiladas
to eat for the week
but
I just don't have any energy
I just want to snuggle

as part of shifting my time
I was going to get up
two and a half hours ago
but
I didn't
I "decided" to sleep in
I feel pretty bad
unwell I mean
I had very busy dreams
I was supposed to be going to a graduation
but I couldn't go to the early part
because I was working
Susan was back
but she was in the back
not working
so I was running the front
and handing out these gift packs
to certain named people
to do with the graduation
each person had a specific one
I had found and labeled
with different flavors of cookies
it was very busy
I am exhausted


before all that
there was a sangria cocktail hour
and I ate a bunch of the fruit
which it turns out
I was supposed to pay for
but
I didn't


good morning sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart
I love you

my first chores

drinking coffee
eating donut
[i'm not really that mean]
thinking real hard about what i'm goin to do
thinking real hard about what i still need to do for inventory
patting myself on the back about how much i've gotten done there
nodding off a little
drinking more coffee
shopping online for new clothes hangers
shopping online looking at new purses (not even kinda counts as a chore
in a list that is super padded with barely chore things
realize hey i haven't actually done any chores yet
gather laundry
sort laundry
try to decide if i still think hand wash can be washed in delicate
decide to risk it as i don't have a basin big enough for
or inclination to individually wash
new large collection of thrifted shirts
[i now collect coldwater creek silk/cotton shells
in addition to susan graver lustraknit pants]
start laundry
come type this

i've been up about four hours
and i was planning to ease into it
but
i'm really really easing into it
like slow
but
i think i prefer it that way
i don't always want to be rushing around, ya know

so I'm trying to shift my time
I didn't get much sleep
about 2ish hours
but
if I sleep in
it will throw me outta whack
shoulda gone to bed early
couldn't make myself
now
chores
yuck
I am so mean

good morning sweetheart
hope everything is awesome today
I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

i love you
i didn't get to be mischievous
but
i didn't have a bad day either
we're doing inventory on wednesday
so i'm going in at 4am
and in the mean time i'm trying to get stuff prepped
so
next week may be a bit weird

i feel like
i want to do something
more exciting for you
but
i'm not really knowing what

what would you most like
i wonder

anyway
i'll give it some thought
i hope to see you in dreamland

good morning sweetheart
hope everything is beautiful
I love you very much


I'm feeling
slightly mischievous
now
I'm not sure there's much play for that
but
it's something I don't usually feel
first thing in the morning
maybe I can find a way to honor it


do you know enough about auto correct
to understand wtf it's process is
because
it does some weird shit


it changes would to soul
it just tried to change way to WA
I'm wondering
did I once type soul and it tried to change it to would and now it's decided
that every instance of would should be soul?
because
it changes things
that make sense into nonsense
and
I don't get it


anyway
not important
just irri-curious 

goodnight sweetheart

i hope you had a beautiful day

i'm going to bed now
it's not super late
but it is a couple hours later than i planned
i hope to see you in dreamland

i love you

good morning sweetheart

I'm very tired
I'm going to bed
I'm not sure even
where today went
I did go see solo
which was fun
but
I did fall asleep in it a few times
I wonder
if this trend should be worrying me
anyway
trying to make a concentrated effort
to get more sleep
see if that makes it better
oh
I also took a bath
but
I didn't do any of my chores
not good


I love you sweetheart
I'll see you in dreamland

good morning sweetheart
I love you
just the way you are

I wish
we were together
somewhere
and we could spend the day
lounging around
that sounds so good right now
hope you're having a good day
more later

good morning sweetheart

good night sweetheart
I love you

ok
I've just been up
like, seriously, 15 minutes
I had this whole big opus dream
about some unincorporated area
out in the country


and some alternative school


and
I think
some government plot


but
I'm just not sure now
how it all hangs together


I think I was younger
and the country
I don't know where it was
there were some hilly elevations
there were trees
but there were streets
and businesses too
I can't believe I don't remember


anyway
hope you're doing well
I still feel
well, right now
I feel like I've beaten
about the back and shoulders
with a stick
and my head is kinda full
of congestion
so
high pollen day
I'm guessing


I'm gonna stretch
and get coffee


I really need to do laundry
but I'm very unenthusiastic about that
that may not happen

i fell asleep in the chair again
but this time
i guess i knew i was gonna do it
and i didn't care
because
instead of being slumped over my computer
i was laying back with my neck resting on the scalloped edge
of the wicker chair
now
i have a headache
so
not sure that was better
but

very strange dreams
i was living in this great apartmets
and i tried to open the gate
but
outside
it was like a rennaissance
festival
women were running around
peeing on

then
i was doing stand up laying down
and the host
who was in five inch stillettos
kept walking around my headbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

see
fell asleep there

anyway
she's walking around my head
and i sit up and say
i cannot with the walking

then
i was driving a motorcycle in a dark tunnel
and i seriously cannot see

i feel like there was more to that one

about 30-45 minutes ago
I thought I felt you
hope everything's going well
it looks like I'm just on register
all day
so
I can take a lot more psychic visiting
than usual
if you feel like it

good morning sweetheart
I love you
still tired
weird dreams
time to venture out
into the relentless heat


more later

look
I'm already falling asleep in the chair
I gotta go to bed
I love you


this cowgirl's riding to dreamland

really look at this picture

I just asked a question
and
I got this


http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=348284&Date=6%2F1%2F2018&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=minchiate&Reading=single