INSPIRED
my therapist
to "deal" with his
STUFF
Wednesday, April 30, 2025
I got all caught up in my thoughts
the books
I can't do yet
SO
I'm gonna do another area
SEE how much I can clear
if I can move the canvases
down
I can move
the boxes
to the
closet
& furniture arrangement
& how
I feel like
I'm making progress
I need to sleep
I'm sorry
I didn't talk much
goodnight sweetheart 💋
I LOVE you VERY much 🫶
👾🫚🍀❤️
Tuesday, April 29, 2025
I need to sleep
I feel like
I talked a lot today
I'm not sure if that's TRUE
MAYBE
it was just a regular
AMOUNT
I had
FORGOTTEN
Karla
I can't remember the whole story
BUT
I can remember
WORKING
with her
I remember
cracking her up
because I just busted out
HEAD like a HOLE
when I was feeling the
I'd rather die than give you control
VIBE
really
HARD
about something
she had some trouble
with drugs, maybe
with a guy
maybe
she got caught up in something
I don't remember the details
& I don't care about that
I'm sad that I had forgotten her
because
all that stuff she said
ABOUT
sweetness
& good heart
was TRUE of her too
BUT
ALSO
she had a really BRIGHT LIGHT
she was a spirit lifter
I had some REAL STARS on my TEAM
goodnight sweetheart 💋
I LOVE you VERY much 🫶
👾🫚🍀❤️
I really wanted to finish this section today
I didn't do the
PLAN thing
I couldn't
reconcile the idea that I couldn't
REALISTICALLY
make a reasonable plan
that would have me
clear the area
BUT
I WANTED to
clear the area
I thought maybe
I UNREASONABLY
could
I ALSO
couldn't really make a plan
for STUFF
EVERYWHERE
SO
I've just been zoning
& thinking about
the relationships I had with the people who
WORKED for me
& the WEIRD thing, maybe
I ALWAYS thought
it was because
I made sure
they got
what they needed from me
BUT
when I was managing the wine
I had people who assisted me
BUT
I didn't technically have
any power over them
& I didn't have any
power to do
ANYTHING
BUT
TONY was all telling me
they would argue with him
tell him I had said
so and such
that he wasn't
SURE they
UNDERSTOOD
WHO was
the
BOSS
BUT
he wasn't ANGRY about that
he SAID it was
proof of my
LEADERSHIP skills
& I should be a supervisor
& the people who
DON'T like me
REALLY
REALLY
DON'T
like me
thought I'm usually not SURE WHY
Monday, April 28, 2025
I also
FAIR or not
feel LIKE
his use of the name
Biffbuff
which he called me as a child
is SLIGHTLY manipulative
I just feel very icky
& I mean maybe it's me
he & his wife own a building in NYC
that they rent out apts in
he has a MFA
can teach at a college or jr college
he has a scateboard shop
& he has a long history of working
for art auction houses
& consulting on
handling artwork
he is much more resourced that me
& I would never ask him
for anything
I'm probably the assh*le
the whole family seems to think
I'm rich because my mom
had her own business
I'm
spoiler alert
NOT
I think my gran gran may have had this as a child
OR
it's not her handwriting
she had VERY tight
PALMER script
I don't want to
make collage out of sheet music
& I don't want to give it to my
mom to make collage out of
I'd like to give it to
someone who could use it
BUT
some of it is not in good condition
I WISH
I didn't have this
I am having a
not exactly
DILEMMA
BUT
OK
I don't seem to be able to have any interaction
with Jason that is not
in some way
UPSETTING
AND
then TODAY
he learns how to use email
which he has never
used to
COMMUNICATE with me
in fact
FAIR or not
I don't FEEL like he's EVER really
TRIED to communicate with me
BUT
NOW
he needs money
& he wants me to buy his paintings
(which I'm pretty sure I can't afford)
or HELP him sell them
(to all my friends?)
OR
he can sell any
"Valuable Rare Signed books
for me that I may have for a small commission"
He has NEVER asked me anything about my
financial situation
or job
or how I get by in the world
& I think he assumes
for what reason
I am uncertain
that I have
RESOURCES
I am
KINDA
offended
that he has never had any interest in
KNOWING if I'm doing OK
or HOW I might be getting by
I'm pretty sure
every time he's talked to me in person
over the last eighteen years
that I have been
unemployed
I don't want to be all like
Jason I have nothing of value
& I'm currently going through boxes of crap
to make myself throw away the worthless
sh*t I have
I can't afford your paintings
& they make me
UNCOMFORTABLE
could you have tried to
understand me
or tried to
RELATE to ME
instead of
JUST
contacting me when you
WANT something FROM me
I don't want to
CONTACT him
I feel sort of bad about that
BUT
I feel like I'll feel
WORSE
if I do
he said he has dad's
POVERTY disease
OR something
& I'm like
I'm not sure what you're talking about
BUT
YEAH
I THINK
it wasn't so much that
I didn't
UNDERSTAND
twentieth century philosophy
as that
I maybe
wasn't that impressed with most of it
I like LOGIC just fine
BUT
I'm MORE interested in
SAYING SOMETHING
than
FIDDLING around with tweaker fine points
of what we can
MEANINGFULLY
SAY
which is WHY I prefer
I guess
APPLIED philosophy instead of
"pure" whatever
I spent a lot MORE time
on Being and Time
than the tractatus
BECAUSE
I had more CONTEXT
with Hegel, and Nietzsche, and all the
GERMAN film I studied
& trying to tease out
just how Nazi
I actually thought Heidegger was
BUT
he didn't think I understood Heidegger EITHER
TRACTATUS
is a little math-y somehow
for me
OH
from yesterday and today
I have
FIVE tall kitchen bags
of clothes
& two boxes
of like
purses and shoes and random other stuff
TOMORROW
I'm tackling a
BIG job
I've got these twenty boxes
when I was bring stuff from my mom's
& the air conditioner leaking in the
CLOSET
& what the f*CK ever else was going on
I had crap
EVERYWHERE
& I boxed stuff up
& piled it where that bookcase had been
by that chair I used to sit in
& I'm SURE
when I started
I was at LEAST marginally sorting
& throwing away
BUT
by box twenty
I'm pretty sure I was
TOAST
& I wouldn't be
SURPRISED to see gold bullion next to cat turds and a bunch of flyers for things I never wanted to do with corporate participation plaques with acorns and orphaned socks
SO
we'll SEE
what we SEE
I had
FORGOTTEN this
I liked ethics
SO MUCH
I was LIKE
this philosophy stuff might be my thing
SO
second semester
I took
METAPHYSICS
now I was not qualified to take that class
it was a junior level philosophy class
that, I'm pretty sure, had LOGIC
as a prerequisite
OR
it REALLY should have
it was NOT what I was
EXPECTING
I am not complaining about my grade
which might have been
a B or B minus even
BUT
in addition to
the class not really being
what I expected
that prof was sexist
he just was
nothing to do with me or my grade
just like whatever, ya know
BUT
I had forgotten that I thought I found philosophy
& then I said
THIS
is probably not for ME
& THEN
picked it BACK up
& SWITCHED
MAJORS
I had just switched to PAINTING
painting was a competitive department
you had to take a
certain number of semester hours
at a certain GPA
to be approved for the ART department
SO
it was like three semesters
I had forgotten
I can't remember
WHAT got me
BACK
MAYBE it was
LOGIC one
seeing doctor nelson again
BUT
I'm not SURE
I don't think at this point
that I can reconstruct what I took
like semester by semester
the guy I took logic two from
I also had for
philosophy of science-- scientific revolution
I can't remember the exact name
it was about how
in science
there are challenges to the status quo
& even with proofs
there is often A LOT of push back
but maybe it wasn't just that
because I vaguely remember
dinosaurs & the comet
Austin, logic two, Phil of science
METAPHYSICS guy
Lieber, modern philosophy
twentieth century philosophy guy
Freeland, philosophy of women, nineteenth century philosophy, images of madness in art and philosophy
Nelson, intro to ethics, logic one, I feel like I had two more classes with him I want to say political philosophy and philosophy and law-- but I may be conflating or opposite of conflating like splitting into two it was MOSTLY John Rawls
I'm not sure about
what was in what order
CHRONOLOGICALLY
the STUFF the MORE
CHAOTIC
is
QUICK--LINK
ZONE
OUT
I REALIZE
from
LIKE
an I've been waiting all day for
SOMETHING
& THIS is
WHAT you BRING me
perspective it may not SOUND like MUCH
BUT
I feel like
I WANT to say
wittgenstein
but I don't think he makes much sense here
I'm not sure
I ever properly understood wittgenstein
in fact I don't THINK my professor
thought I understood
twentieth century philosophy
BUT
he didn't seem to improve my
UNDERSTANDING
& I wasn't sure
it was me
I didn't take anymore classes from him
and
I really wanted to take
logic three
I'm rambling
this all goes back to wittgenstein
WHY are you
THINKING
about
wittgenstein
I need to sleep
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋
goodnight🫶🫶🫶
👾🫚🍀❤️
Sunday, April 27, 2025
Saturday, April 26, 2025
I was trying to
PLAN tomorrow
& I got myself a little overwhelmed
I don't
UNDERSTAND
& I was
TELLING
my therapist, so I guess this is new as well
it's LIKE
it is sort of switched off
& I don't care about it
OR
it's switched on
& I really NEED it to be
LIKE THIS
BUT
there's GOTTA be more to it than that
there are
LOTS
of THINGS
that do NOT -- SATISFACTORILY -- have a place
& I'm not sure
WHY
does it get BETTER when I'm less CRAZY
less busy
less stressed
does the CHAOS reflect
inner disorder
is it executive malfunction or depression
I'm not clearly ABLE to SEE what I'm DOING
it was MOSTLY clothes in the closet
& CANVASES
the canvases stay in the closet
MOST of the CLOTHES
are going to goodwill
there is just not THAT much STUFF
NOT objectively
SO if I just
KEEP at it
I will have to
FINISH
& THEN
REGULARLY
go through
STUFF
nothing helps you throw stuff away
like saying
OH, this AGAIN
I'm starting another propaganda campaign on STUFF in my HEAD
when you're factoring in
what you have
"INVESTED"
in an item
don't forget
the ENTERTAINMENT value
of the HUNT for the item
the enjoyment you've
ALREADY had
from WEARING it
& HOW MUCH you LEARNED
ABOUT
what LOOKS GOOD on you
& WHAT you
FEEL
COMFORTABLE in
ALSO
thrifting has a CYCLE of LIFE
Friday, April 25, 2025
I never SAID that
THAT
WAY before
I'm not sure
HOW
I FEEL about that
I forgot to tell you the second part of mari kondo
PUT ALL LIKE things TOGETHER
PRUNE
I'm being dramatic
I was telling
my therapist and I may have already told you
if so, I'm sorry to repeat
it's LIKE
KONDO meets style editor
I told you about Karen brit chick, but it may not have made sense
PICK the best example of a type of thing
WHY would you
CHOOSE
to WEAR any of the OTHERS
MAKE the CASE
maybe it's a different color or texture or weight
I LIKED wearing BLACK every day
I LIKED the
PHILOSOPHY and I LIKED the simplicity
I just decided I didn't want to be an OLD LADY
in BLACK because THAT
wasn't ME
SO what I REALLY want to GO for NOW
is KINDA
TREATING my clothes
LIKE
they ARE
ALL
the SAME
COLOR
I'm not sure if
I could
PULL
THAT
OFF
MAYBE
rotating small capsule
THAT
is pretty much the
RESUME version of what I ACTUALLY do
because
I ONLY ever have a FEW
CLEAN clothes
at any given time
& of those
ONLY a FEW
that I'm VIBING with
I can SEE HOW this
could be VERY
ENERGIZING
I FEEL like
I KNOW a LOT
ABOUT
HOW to do this, but it FEELS like SUCH an
INSURMOUNTABLE task
and that just CAN'T be
REAL
there is a FINITE amount of STUFF
it doesn't multiply
there is VERY rarely anything you don't recognize
it doesn't multiply
or there would be stuff you don't recognize
if I say I don't want to meet back up
with my family
BUT
I want the STUFF
WHAT
PART of THAT makes SENSE
I'm trying to
BREAK
the spell
I broke a unicorn
it was, I THOUGHT
my last unicorn
I used to collect unicorns
BUT
THIS was a one who had called to me
he'd ALREADY been chipped
I don't KNOW if
I should TRY to FIX him
I do not look upon this as a great sign
which is WHY
I'm trying to set myself up for success
there's no point in
PRETENDING
we're playing
FULL strength
I don't MEAN like
READING AUGERIES bad sign
I MEAN
it's broken, it's a decorative item, the emotion, the feeling that it is
SOMETHING bigger
has NOT
in batting situations such as THIS
been statistically correlated
with positive
OUTCOMES
SO
planning and pre-framing
DUDE
I KNOW
there is GONNA be
SOME kind of
EXPERIENCE
BUT
when I think of the CLOWN CAR of THINGS
that I THINK are IN the closet
I'm not sure they would ALL FIT in THAT closet
SO I guess
WE'LL
SEE
ya SEE what I did there?!
do you think I'm falling for it
I let myself
REGROUP today
& the
PLAN
is to tackle the other closet
I don't WANT to
BUT
I have clothes that
NEED to HANG
SOMEWHERE
I haven't been in there in a while
I THINK it's
MOSTLY
dressy
STUFF from when the
CLOSET flooded
the OTHER closet
it's FULL of
STUFF I probably won't want to get rid of
BUT which
CLEARLY I have NO
NEED of
SO
it's a COLD HARD TRUTH
I don't expect to clear the closet
I ONLY
NEED to make ROOM for LIKE twenty-five-ish
PIECES of clothing
BUT
ANYTHING else
I can get rid of
is a WIN
I am REALLY hoping
I set myself up for success with this one
there's this
ALSO KINDA INSIDIOUS
THING
about STUFF
EVERYTHING
CONNECTS
I don't know if I want to keep things
there's a WAY
in which
BUT
there's a MOMENTO
QUALITY
AND
I TOTALLY GET
WHAT
Mari Kondo
MEANS
YOU have objects that SPARK
SOMETHING in you
that's WORTH sparking
JOY is an oversimplication
when I LOOK at it
when I USE it, whatever, ya know
it pulls up
A FILE
AN EXPERIENCE
I LEARNED a LOT of GOOD STUFF
cleaning out my mom's house
that are RELATED to part two of stuff/ kondo
if you bought the magazine
& you've had the magazine
& you haven't read the magazine in the ensuing
WHY are you SUDDENLY going to READ it
it's TIME may NEVER come
is the POSSIBILITY of
REKINDLED interest
in DATED topics
WORTH
this YOAK upon your
NECK
my father tried to teach me about
STUFF
he NEVER had
ANY STUFF
& anything
NICE he EVER got
he'd fiddle with it
UNTIL he
RUINED it
& HAD to THROW it away
AND
I guess the THING is
I'm not SURE
I believe
that he is learning much about me
I'm not SURE that I think
he pays all that
MUCH
ATTENTION
BUT
I'm ALSO
not sure that that's what he's there for
NO
LET me PUT that ANOTHER way
IF
I believed that that was IMPORTANT to my
DEVELOPMENT
I don't think I would STILL be DOING it
I THINK he's supposed to be
FACILITATING
BUT
I do have
FEELS
about what somebody who understood me
BETTER
might facilitate
BUT
MAYBE
that's like
SPEED READING, really
I mean
there's the VISUAL puzzle
BUT
I'm not even talking about that
THAT
CHAIR
is this kind of iconic wrought iron
VISUALLY light
WHEELBARROW
AND
it's called
CAMPING
those ELEMENTS
FIT together
SO MANY
different ways
about how things that look fragile MIGHT be HARD to MOVE
& THINGS
that seem like a mountain MIGHT
JUST wheel AWAY
my therapist said
I LEARNED a lot TODAY
& I SAID
are you being facetious
and NOW I don't
KNOW what
I think either of us MEANT
I THINK I meant
that I felt like I had been
ALMOST
speaking in platitudes
EVERY DAY is a NEW DAY
what could he possibly have learned
BUT
THEN I guess
he means he learned
A LOT
ABOUT
ME
AND
AGAIN
I don't know what
NEW information
ABOUT ME
I think
the EXHAUSTING
THING, yesterday was
we were at archway
donna asked if we were gonna be
at the studio
TODAY
&
I turned to my mom
& I asked her
HEY
are we gonna be at the studio
& if she said
SOMETHING like
I would like to go to the studio
I would have gone
she SAID
I figure if I've got you TODAY
THAT'S
ALL
I've GOT
I SAID -- GOOD POINT
Thursday, April 24, 2025
SO
the doctor said
her kidney and heart numbers
we're BOTH BETTER
I got the doctor to
REITERATE
you take the diuretics
EVERY DAY
they are
PREVENTATIVE, not reactionary
she was twenty pounds heavier
on the doctor's scale
than she was two
WEEKS AGO
& she immediately turns to ME
& SAYS-- well, SHE changed
my DIET
I'm like
a can of tuna is 150 calories
a pear is 100 calories
these are not changes that cause weight gain
she gaslit the doctor
SOMEHOW
into writing down
her home
WEIGHT
she also made a big production
about her SODIUM
which only mattered because I bought stuff
that was "too high"
EXCEPT
that it wasn't
& she only selectively
CARES
LIKE
CHEESE
she eats big hunks of blue cheese
if you can believe
whatever, I say cheese is high sodium
BUT
ya KNOW
the fancy cheese doesn't have
nutritional label notes
SO
I was feeling feisty
I got her
STRING cheese-- part skim mozzarella
& Tillamook cheese BITES
they are serving sized
& have sodium
info
I had this feeling
like what if I
made decisions differently
last time
I LOOKED
for ricotta*
*which she asked for
and didn't find it
I got her Greek yogurt
with a cream top
this time
I got her low-fat small curd cottage cheese
she MOSTLY
EATS
pears, peaches, and plums
depending on what's
in SEASON
and I didn't see them
I didn't exhaustively
SEARCH**
**which means I did see them later, after I had already chosen a substitute (papaya, which I think is a healthier choice) which I didn't then go swap
I'm fixin to listen to TK
BUT
I'm behind more than I thought
SO
I prioritized my
FAVORITE
is SINGING HEAD gaudi
or is it adorable
my favorite
CORRESPONDENT
then
OK
I have separated
CLOTHES
into
PILES
EXCEPT
for the ones going
BACK on the
RACK
they are ALREADY
BACK
PILES
items purchased for long term use
which do NOT
YET
FIT
items which are
WINTER SEASONAL
items which need to be ALTERED
in order to be
ATTRACTIVE
& or
REASONABLE to WEAR in public
but which I MIGHT
be WILLING to
ALTER
items for DONATION
ONE
of the dresses
in the currently too fat for
I don't REMEMBER
BUYING
I'm not sure
HOW to
FEEL
about that
Wednesday, April 23, 2025
STUFF
is insidious
& it's
ALL
always connected to emotions
unless it's just
CRAP
BUT
MOST of the crap is gone
this stuff
I can't really talk about it
I'm still figuring it
OUT
there's a connection between
clearing the visual clutter
& SOME
CALM
AND at LEAST SOME of the problem
is that the USABILITY factor
was BAD from the
START
if I KNOW
HOW
the stuff is supposed to work
& it's WORKABLE
BUT
this DID work
until it got FULL of things that I didn't WEAR
& it got things piled in front of it
& I've rearranged this area
MULTIPLE times
NEVER
gotten it
CONFIGURED
in a WAY
that did not
QUICKLY
degrade
I don't know WHY it didn't work for me
SO
I'm sorting them
and trying things on
my knees aren't SUPER happy about the dancing
STUFF
makes me FEEL
VOLATILE
I haven't been taking all my supplements
I've only been taking
MOOD related ones
meno, b complex, l-theanine
because I just haven't been able to
DEAL with all the pills
I've been doing this
for about ten days, I think
in addition to the hip ache
I have this weird
KNEE thing
like the
RUBBER BANDS are old and losing the snap
I am in a f*CKing SNAP out of it mode
it's LIKE
I was so happy to come to the
REALIZATION
every day is a NEW DAY
BUT then
EVERY DAY is a NEW DAY
hit me
& it hit
OVERWHELMING
I'm FINE
I just GOTTA get
BACK to the
NEVER STUCK
from the
NEVER
ABLE to NOT
FOCUS
on EVERYTHING all the time
I went to bed late
I got up late
I have a headache
everything is VERY BRIGHT
I want to drive the car
I want to take the stuff in the car to goodwill
RIGHT now
I want coffee
BUT
I want like
CHICKEN & waffles
which I've NEVER had
my hips
ACHE
which, right or wrong, I associate with
LOW IRON
this is NOT particularly AUSPICIOUS
BUT
YESTERDAY
I didn't say sh*t
& I felt bad about it
SO
I guess today
you get status report
SORRY
I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 🫶🫶🫶
therapy went fine
I talked all about the stuff I've been
TALKING about
& Also
the realization that
it's hard to
KEEP focus
SO
I was doing the walking
BUT
I shifted my focus
Exercise is now no the focus
& I'm off track there
it's LIKE
one day at a time
& JUGGLING is just an ongoing situation
I felt like
this should not have been a revelation
BUT
it SEEMS like it is
then
I was done
& I don't think I've really SAID anything
I'm sorry
that is KINDA sh*tty
BUT
I just don't have
WORDS
I'm trying to FAST again
& I'm HUNGRY
it's not a bad day
MAYBE
a little weird
Tuesday, April 22, 2025
I have his new book
CITY
I should listen to it
OH
SH*T
I'm two episodes of TK behind NOW
I don't think I told you
I STARTED
ANOTHER book
I was at MURDER by the BOOK
with mom
& I SAW it
BAD NATURE
by
ARIEL COURAGE
& I'm LIKE
well, if ariel courage
is NOT a version of
RF then I'll
EAT my
HAT
I picked it up
finds out at forty she's got cancer
quits job
goes on road trip
to revenge
KILL
FATHER
hooks up with side-kick
ENVIRONMENTAL activist
I'm LIKE
OK
I'll take THAT romp
WHY do
YOU
want to kill your father
I BOUGHT the BOOK
I looked up the
AUDIO
I listened to the sample
I bought the
AUDIO
I'm reading the BACK
it's all people I've never heard of
the BACK is WORRYING me
SLIGHTLY
"Nihilism and optimism collide...simultaneously confronting her childhood and her death....her journey across America reads as both hate mail and love letter to a complex country."
---- Helen Phillips, author of Hum
BUT
I'm vibing with a marie kondo
MEETS
wardrobe consultant
thing concerning
the STUFF
SO
it's LIKE
well we have to keep THAT one
it SPARKS
JOY
SO
then anything else LIKE THAT that isn't THAT
WHY?!
BUT
the problem is
you LIKE the stuff
there are subtle
DIFFERENCES
I watched karen britchick with a professional
wardrobe consultant
& it was OBVIOUSLY
HARD
there's something
subjective
tied to
things beyond the things
BUT
sometimes, not
THIS is the
PURSE
that was the RIGHT color
& I THOUGHT
the right size, in a crossbody, like I like
BUT I didn't like it
it was TOO small and it didn't have enough
ORGANIZATION
& I couldn't
STAND
the SHINY gold logo
I'm not going to wear that, I can't imagine a situation where I would wear that
I don't think my mom would like it
it's not calling out
to go to anyone
could I sell it online
MAYBE
the point is to
CLEAR it OUT
NOT
STORE it in the MIDDLE of your LIFE
the COST of the storage
is
BASICALLY
your ability to have
NICE things
THINGS
NICE
there are different levels
my grandparents
had lived through the depression
they kept
those flimsy pie pans
you get when you
BUY
grocery store bakery pie
& you know what
I keep em too
they're
GREAT for nuts
garlic roasting
I just keep a few
this rule is
if it could be used by ANYONE
for ANYTHING
in a PINCH
it's a KEEPER
I LIKE
to THINK
I've mastered this level
my mom SEEMS to have
some equation
LIKE
I SPENT money on this
BUT
THEN
with some kind of moldy sandwich
TWIST
I can't SEE a CONNECTION
SO I suspect
STUFF is
GOING
ON
that I don't understand
BUT
ALSO
I researched it a while back
& there's something
IMPORTANT
that I'm
FORGETTING
Monday, April 21, 2025
I was RIGHT to be
CONCERNED
about
STUFF
stuff is problematical
the THINGS
HOLD
ENERGY
THAT
I bought from a little old collector lady
who needs the money
for periodic surgeries
BUT
she doesn't really want to let go of them
SO she SENDS them OFF on ADVENTURES
it's vera bradley, ya know
it's a little
TOO
GIRLY
for me to wear out in public
SHE LOVED it SO HARD
she MENDED the
HANDLES
& it has SNAILS
I FOUND a matching
WALLET
SEE
& I THOUGHT
THAT
MUST be HOW it was for my MOM
BUT
it's not like that at all for her
she doesn't
SEEM to have ANY
EMOTION
around any of it
I'm not sure
WHERE
my problem comes from
I always had to keep my room
TIDY
ALWAYS
until I went to live with my mom
if I kept my room clean
SHE would PUT
SOMETHING in the EMPTY space
I started
FILLING MY SPACE
AND
I don't think I've ever really been
RIGHT
completely, consistently, since
AND
I've got a WEIRD relationship with MAIL
that basket
with the
STUFF
in it
is the basket I KEEP my
MAIL in
BUT like I took that super literally
LIKE HOW f*CKing FULL
CAN this GET
let's make it a challenge
THIS says
STUFF you
WANT to
LOOK at
HERE
NOW
there's a NATION
& something
& I ALSO
FOUND this proof sheets from a photographer of the gates in NYC
it's in a generic trapper keeper thingy
NOT itoya which is the way
to make any RANDOM
pieces of paper
LOOK
like art
NOT itoya
BUT regardless, ya KNOW
it's an
EXPERIMENT
I might be like
WOW
you were SO full of sh"t
BUT
if I haven't tried it YET
my father taught me some useful things
PUT the things you need to FIND
in the PLACE
you WANT to FIND them
NEVER
put them ANYWHERE else
LIKE keys, or whatever
SO I'm doing
a REFRAME on MAIL
as SOMETHING
you deal with
OR it's
PART
of your ART
NOW what is it telling you
& POSSIBLY
THAT'S
TOO many variables
EVERYTHING
ALL the TIME
com'mon you have lived through the age of mail it is not that goddammdddd much mail just be a mensch for the love of God and throw it away it does not need to pile up until the entire thing is full and the pile on top will not remain stable I cannot think in that environment
Sunday, April 20, 2025
the BOOK on the shelf
I've gotten in the last few years
it's got some stuff
I haven't
READ
by
some people I think I love
& some stuff
by people
I think
I should ALREADY have read
BUT haven't
& the cover picture I feel like has GOT to be
HOCKNEY, right
& the McCoy
MIGHT
NEED
a PLANT
but I'm resisting
OH
I JUST
REMEMBERED
WALKER'S JUNGLE florist
it was like it was up in the trees SOMEHOW
it was SLIGHTLY elevated
BUT
you walked up this little
PATH
I WISH I could
REMEMBER the VISUAL
BETTER
AMERICA
has a QUALITY
WELL
in fairness more than one
it's TWO sides
MAYBE
MAYBE
more than two, whatever, stop qualifying
SPINNING STRAW into GOLD
is the image I got
ALTHOUGH
I'm not sure that's the best analogy
& THEN there's parts of us
that RISE to the
SURFACE
EVERY now and AGAIN
the HEAT coming off them
f*CKing MELTS
the GOLD
and having been alive and part of the
AMERICAN experience
at the SAME time
SMUDGES
their
GOLD
on your
FOREHEAD
I don't KNOW where I GOT
the WINO bag
I don't REMEMBER
where I FOUND it
RECENTLY
if you TOLD me
my FAIRY godmother
left it for me to
FIND
I'd believe that too, possibly
I MEAN
NO
IDEA
I LIKE it
GRAPHICALLY
I like that it
SAYS
WINO, but it pictures
RHINO
BUT
ALSO
the pivot point uncertainty
makes it uncomfortable
for me
AM I SAYING SOMETHING
that I don't mean to be saying
BUT
EVEN THAT
SEEMS
I mean like pitch perfect
that ART CRIME was at MURDER by the BOOK
just staring me in the face one day
and I LOOKED
& YES
the golden toilet was in there and I had to buy it
I got him in
EUGENE
& QUITE transcendental
am I still spelling this right?!
it's giving DENTAL
all of a sudden
I walked all over that market
& I SAW him
Mr FROG
& I KINDA*
*okay, let me make clear-- I do not collect frogs I do not want frog tchotches (sp?)-- frog is like a guide somehow, I'm not really sure why or what it means-- frog just speaks to me sometimes
AND
HONESTLY
I don't REMEMBER
HOW MUCH
it cost
JUST
that it FELT like a
BIT of a STRETCH and
LIFE BE LIKE THAT sometimes
the artist responded to me
in, I MEAN, exactly
the way the call
of frog
would
GO
I got the impression FROG had been through
the wars of set up and take down
a fair few times
I THINK
Mr FROG was
getting a little self conscious
HE was MADE as
a RITUAL object, maybe
a RATTLE**
**I also do not collect rattles
Mr FROG is an inconvenient
SIZE for a RATTLE
BUT the guy was telling me
the stones he put in
& it meant something to me
it made him HAPPY I could tell
I KNEW Mr FROG
BUT
I've not really done much with him
I thought if he was just
CASUALLY about
MAYBE
it's not gonna work there
though
I did more project
I moved the drawers
I moved the
SHELVES
EVERYTHING
FITS
I'm not sure
what I'm doing tomorrow
which is not good
I have an area I want to work on
BUT
I think I'm GONNA have extra STUFF
that I don't want to take to goodwill
& I'm finding
the IDEA
of having STUFF
STUFF to
DEAL
with
DE-motivating
I thought about
GREEN
& purple & orange
& John
AND
I LEARNED
a less stressful way to CLEAN
I wiped down the drawers
VERY dusty RATTAN
ALL UP in there
& I'm looking & wiping
& TRYING to
FIGURE out
a SYSTEM
AND
a MUCH easier system HIT me
RATHER than try to work some algorithms for
cleaning all the BITS
it has FOUR SIDES
TURN each side towards you
VISUALLY clean
EACH side
that's IT
I realized that when I start cleaning anything
it is possible that I
MIGHT
clean it to within an inch of it's life
it's the default
& THAT
is not
a force you WANT on
AUTO
I'm even considering that
I MIGHT be better
SERVED
not cleaning tomorrow
if I hit a wall
I'll resist starting up again
I'll lose ground
I've got
MULTIPLE things
idk
Saturday, April 19, 2025
I LIKE their
TONE
I've read descriptions
that had
MORE POETRY
& I'm
NOT discounting those past descriptions
BUT
the LEVEL of description
SOMETIMES
leaves you
WONDERING
if they even KNOW
ya KNOW
BUT THIS
RESPECTFUL
of the
HUMANITY
I hope it's TRUE
that they
FEEL
& SUPPORT
it's a VERY
MODERN IDEA
MANY who are trying to appeal to
THAT'S
the WORLD
we're MOVING towards
I FEEL like
I'm spending a lot of
TIME
THINKING
BUT
I'm not sure
I'm EXPLAINING it
VERY well
& THAT made me
REALIZE that
I have these
LIKE
PROJECTED EXPECTATIONS
LIKE
I'm letting you
DOWN
& I FEEL like
YOU wouldn't TELL me
THAT
the SHADOW of that
causes problems
where they
are problems, at LEAST
potentially
I NEED to
STOP
THAT
SO
MANY tendrils
GOTTA sleep
I appreciate you so much
I FEEL like I'm making
some ground
BUT
then I have a day
SOMETIMES
& I'm LIKE
it's ALL too
MUCH
you'll never get escape velocity
& it's de-stabilizing
BUT
then I'm LIKE
HOLD my BEER
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋🫶
I HOPE I'm not letting you down
I gotta LET go of
the STRESS
of that
LIKE
I had to STOP obsessively going back through
EVERYTHING
to FIND any
POSSIBLE
negative interpretation
I don't think
YOU think
I'm LETTING you DOWN
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶🫶🫶
👾🫚🍀❤️
SO
TODAY
I did mom stuff
& I did a lot of whatever you call it
when you
PLAN
your law of attraction day
SO
the conscious strategy was to
do a version of outside cold
SO
it was sort of
use HER standards
of what she would do for you
as your guidelines
for I'm not sure
HOW to
DESCRIBE this
LIKE
HOW much ENERGY
would she have
EXPENDED
on getting this
RIGHT
for me
OK
TRY NOT to
LET your
LEVEL
of AGITATION
go HIGHER
than THAT
Thursday, April 17, 2025
One of the things
on the rattan
SHELVES
was a collection of
skincare stuff
I found a sample of eve lom face cleanser
& I used it
I massaged it into my face
& left it on for a mask
while I worked
MAYBE
I got some on my shirt
because I can still
SMELL it
I REALLY like the way it smells
CLOVE & HOPS
a few other things
I've had
ALL KINDA music in my HEAD
I HOPE that's good
EARLIER today
TOO MUCH
pink pony club
tonight is more my speed
my homelessness percentage
has remained CONSTANT
so I think maybe
that's what
they think
is normal
0.7%
they all wear faded black clothes
& they do fallon gong exercises
am I getting that right
it's been a while
hang on
FALUN GONG
I LOVE you
I had SO MANY DREAMS last night
I can't remember them
couldn't when I
WOKE up
BUT
SO
MUCH
was happening
I felt like
I worked through
SOME STUFF
I have to
REMEMBER
don't get
OVERWHELMED
EVERYTHING is not
ALWAYS
HAPPENING
progress is INCREMENTAL
BUT
it IS incremental
SOMETIMES
I FEEL like
I PROCESS really
SLOW
❤️
OK
I KNOW
BAD STUFF
is going on in the WORLD
BUT
I'm not going to talk about that
I did another project
I cleared off
this sort of rattan shelf
& cleared out the
MOSTLY
EMPTY boxes
& RANDOM
STUFF
in the corner of my bedroom
that I need to move
the STUFF
that is where the
BECOME
TRANSCENDENTAL
WALL goes
I had a group of CHORES
I let myself pick
WHAT
I worked on
BUT
I just measured
AGAIN
& I'm not sure it's GONNA FIT
I was SURE the LAST time I measured
I just wasted a bunch of time
this thing on Facebook
was all LIKE
if you can
get twenty five words you're a genius
T.E.A.C.H.E.R.
SO
I did forty seven words
& I'm bored
I'm pretty sure there are some more
THAT
didn't FEEL
GENIUS
ALSO
TEAR is two words, but they are spelled the same so I only put them once, but that SEEMS wrong
WHAT is the protocol?
1) teach
2)her
3)tea
4)eat
5)tear
6)there
7)cheer
8)reach
9)chat
10)cat
11)rat
12)heat
13)cheat
14)heater
15)hat
16)tech
17)ear
18)retch
19)heather
20)each
21)cher
22)here
23)ether
24)care
25)cheater
26)hear
27)heart
28)etch
29)etcher
30)arch
31)rachet
32)tera
33)hatch
34)the
35)at
36)ache
37)rate
38)car
39)hare
40)chear
41)a
42)are
43)etc.
44)hate
45)hater
46)cater
47)race
48)
49)
50)
51)
Wednesday, April 16, 2025
I didn't notice somehow
WHERE
the no geese were harmed
I don't know
WHAT
to think about AI
I can SEE how
people are
INTO it
BUT
it
KINDA
freaks me out
when
I guess it was
CHATgpt
first came out
I got this thing
do you want to TRY it
& it SOUNDED like
HER*
*or whatever that movie was called
SO
I READ the thing
the agreement and I was LIKE, f*CK NO
SO
I've never played with ANY of it
ALTHOUGH
I SUSPECT a max headroom version of ME
would be fun
to play
with
Tuesday, April 15, 2025
(edited)
in FACT
I've been going
OVER it
& I FEEL like
I maybe covered some important stuff
in HOW I
FEEL
ABOUT her
BUT
I'm not sure if I made it CLEAR
HOW uncomfortable I AM
WITH those FEELINGS
I didn't SAY THIS in therapy
& it is an IMPORTANT
POINT
in RELATION to the
FORGIVENESS
QUESTION
you gotta STOP doing
THE THING
AND
CHEAP JOE'S
is CLOSING
I'm sad
it's one of my FAVORITE art supply places
JOE died not that long ago
BUT
I thought it had been at least a year
SO
I figured if they were CLOSING because of that
I would have seen SOMETHING before now
SO
I don't want to SPECULATE
JOE'S brushes are REALLY good
I have SOME
& I had some I was PLANNING to get
SOMEDAY
TURNED OUT
TODAY was
SOMEDAY
it was
KINDA
SAD
BUT
it's a good set of brushes
when I take travel brushes on the road
I usually take the
TINTORETTO six*
*an Italian made synthetic squirrel
& the pseudo sable six*
*cheap joe makes the pseudo sable I don't know what sable is like but this stuff has great control and not too much spring, you can lay down a smooth wash and do some detail too
cheap joe
OR
his German manufacturer
makes the smoothest
WASH
I WANTED the SIX quill & the set of three mottlers
just got the three inch mottlers
NO maybe I decided two inch
it was like that
I WANTED
SURFACES
BUT
I had to make SURE
I got the
BRUSHES
I'm REALLY
EXCITED
to be
GETTING them
it'll be a while
they are
getting a BIG response from
I guess everyone wanting to stock up
so expect delay
their message was
reminiscent of
the calvert woodley farewell email
then I saw an AD for a perfume
CALLED
HOT CAKES
for some reason
I FEEL like
THIS
is SOMEHOW emblematic
of JUST HOW
OUT of STEP
I AM
with the current
WHATEVER
you call it
HOT CAKES
AND
pink pony girl back at you
SO
TODAY
I had to do
TAX stuff
the thing is
I didn't WANT to
& it was
DIFFICULT
to make myself
I didn't really feel like
paying digitally
&
I wanted to do an extension anyway
SO
when I was cleaning my desk area
I found a checkbook
SO
I filed 4868 fully paper
MAIL
& I MEAN that's not really SAFE either
BUT
whatever, ya KNOW
I drove to the post office I like the best
so I drove the car too
ALL that felt weird
&
I have been staying away from my mom
I took her some protein ice cream
FRIDAY
she was out somewhere
her car was gone
SO
I MEAN
I decided she could manage
I just KINDA
LOST it
with
HER
I'm not really sure
WHY
BUT
I wasn't gonna get over it
UNLESS I could
GET AWAY
from her
Monday, April 14, 2025
YES
I SEE NOW
YES
THAT
IS
the best kind of sports
OR
at LEAST
ONE of the GREAT
ELEMENTS
of SPORT
when it takes you for that
RIDE
it's
SOMETIMES
a bit
STRESSFUL
the roller coaster quality
BUT
THAT golf
SOUNDS exciting, not just regular golf
I watched some jack nicholas
when I was a kid
& I missed EAGLE definition
on my golf final
I couldn't
REMEMBER what it MEANT
I'm having all these
FEELS
I guess it's good
I'm going to therapy tomorrow
I don't KNOW
I remember writing for assignments
these essays are like that
BUT
I wonder if my
CONNECTIONS
are jarring
ALSO
I LIKE them
I FEEL like they sound more like
how I naturally speak
MAYBE
OR
I'm happy with the
FLOW or
SOMETHING
BUT
MAYBE
it's TOO something
MAYBE
I sound ALIEN or psycho or something
BUT
I'm KINDA proud of
compartmentalized human unit
when I was in high school
they assigned me a number
I didn't LIKE that
I went to one
of those
T-shirt
CUSTOM blah blah
& got
CARBON unit #130524
red block
on purple shirt
HANG on
I'm fixin to listen to TK
it's ALL
YOU
TODAY
I don't like sports so that I have
SOMETHING to talk about
with
STRANGERS
BUT
you could make the case
that I don't REALLY
WATCH SPORTS
at all
which is FAIR, I don't very often
BUT
I'm confident that
when I do
it isn't about the water cooler
ALTHOUGH
I don't HATE talking about sports sometimes
I ENJOYED the
HOME RUN TALK
back in the, what was it, late nineties-early two thousands, I'm not sure
McGuire was doing cross-over sh*t with
$t*rbuk$ and it was a nice
VALUE ADD
I have, however, strong weather game
I can TALK about
WEATHER
the truth is
I'm almost NEVER LOOKING for
CONVERSATION
from anyone
WHAT I LIKE about SPORTS is
DEPENDING
MAYBE a CONNECTION to the HUMAN
SPIRIT or TEAMWORK
OR
PHYSICAL EXCELLENCE
LIKE watching
DANCERS
MAYBE
BUT
there is all that
with baseball at least
statistical probability
in situations like THIS
there is a blah blah probability of blah blah
AND
THIS is MAYBE the REAL KICKER
CAN they
PULL it OFF
in the CLUTCH
I f*CKing
LOVE
when "my team"
LIKE
MANIFESTS
the WIN
THROUGH force of will
I MEAN
SKILL is good too
BUT
I'm looking, I think, for the
RISE of HUMAN potential
TEAMWORK
at least I'm pretty sure that's my thing
NOT saying that's
NORMAL
I have this
WEAKNESS
when it comes to golf
my paw paw
LOVED it
BUT
I don't, so much
he was poor
his father died when he was like eight
& it sounds like his
MANY MANY siblings home
was pretty chaotic
if the boys started fighting at all
his mother threw them outside
& if they wanted
MORE
than the one glass of milk
they had to
PAY her for it
I WISH I KNEW
HOW
he got interested in golf
BUT
he RAN to the golf course
EVERY DAY
BEFORE SCHOOL
to CADDY
SO
that he could earn money
to PLAY
HE was a
GOLFER
& my gran gran was a
PIANIST
&
NONE
of the children, or grandchildren
KNOW how to DO
EITHER of those THINGS
it FEELS like
LEGACY LOST
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