I don't understand why
the ice cream
was unacceptable
MAYBE
I wasn't paying enough attention
did it come from a team
was it weird generic
I'm super tired
I need to sleep
goodnight sweetheart 💋
I LOVE you VERY much 🫶
👾🫚🍀❤️
Wednesday, April 9, 2025
I just sat down
& tried to
LIST
all fifty states
because it said if I could list twelve
I had one hundred forty IQ
& I'm LIKE
you cannot be serious
can't EVERYONE
LIST
the original colonies
thirteen of them
I forgot three
I was following the coastline
& then sections
SO
the three I forgot
I STARTED to say
are ALL states I've been to
BUT then
haven't I been to all of them, now
NO
there are several
I still haven't been to
ALSO
SOME
I'm not SURE
OHIO
INDIANA
I THINK I've driven THROUGH
BUT I'm not SURE
I have seen
COMMERCIALS
giving me to believe
you can just
THROW
dirty dishes into the dishwasher
& it just all comes OFF
we SHALL see
BECAUSE
these dishes
ARE
INTENSELY disgusting
&
I'm LIKE
I'm not guaranteeing these dishes will be CLEAN
BUT
I'm unwilling to TOUCH them
UNTIL they are
CLEANER
I've been avoiding the sink area
BUT
that maggot smell
TRIGGERS me
I've got myself
WORKED up
ABOUT
my mother
I can't EXPLAIN
I could try
BUT
it FEELS like
SOMETHING
that won't make ANY sense
because I don't really
UNDERSTAND it
MAYBE
it's that I want her
to be something that she isn't
& THAT sounds
PETTY
MAYBE
it is
if I understood
WHY I'm so
WORKED up
MAYBE
THAT
would help me
OK
I told her I would make her the ice cream
& what TIME did she eat breakfast
EIGHT she says
SO
I blend it the night before
AND
it was SO LOUD and I wasn't sure if you could
STOP in the middle of the CYCLE
SO
I bound out of bed
throw on clothes
DRAG my ass
to her apt
SHE
was ASLEEP
I did this to myself
& I also was
TRYING
to get myself
MOVING
& using her as the EXCUSE
BUT
I feel like
I RESENT her
for THEN
making noises
LIKE
I maybe wasn't LIVING up to
DELIVERY expectations
which wasn't
IMAGINARY
BUT
I'm probably
SENSITIVE
& I've seen her
EVERY DAY
this week
& MAGGOTS
Tuesday, April 8, 2025
I'm not sure
HOW
well I think therapy went
I was explaining
HOW
I've been working myself around
to actually get some stuff
DONE
&
HOW
DEMORALIZING it is
to not be able
to get
SOMETHING
from my
mom
EMOTIONALLY
OR
I'm not even sure what to call it
AND
how great I have been feeling
& HOW
there's this
SHADOW of flying to bits
that I'm looking away
FROM
he's LIKE
you have anxiety
& I'm LIKE
I didn't
ORIGINALLY think so
BUT
when I got off antidepressants
the TENSION
in my neck and shoulders made it clear
BUT
I actually think NOW
it's a function of
the whole
ADHD
thing
I told him
ABOUT the
FORGIVENESS thing
he said we were going to follow-up
BUT
I don't remember
on WHAT, nor will he
AND
I FEEL vaguely unsatisfied with THAT
& WONDER
HOW
COULD I be SEEing THIS different
Monday, April 7, 2025
OH
I just saw a THING
t*ump dancing to
YMCA
ya KNOW
his little
JACK off DANCE
I FORGOT
BUT
one of the canada feeds
ADDED
APPROPRIATE
ANIMATION
& it was
SO
FUNNY
not really because of the penises
BUT
they were ORANGE
& funny looking
BUT
MOSTLY
it was
funny
because the canadians are
the MOST polite
people
&
SEEM at least
CHILL and not at all petty
AND I VIBE
with that energy
the
you WOKE up
the f*CKing
BEAR
apparently
you WANT a piece of THIS
I'm in a weird mood
my cat
is all twisted around
LOOKING cute
he does that
sometimes
on purpose, but he looks to be legit sleeping
it's a trap, mostly
the LOOKING cute
I will go to pet him
& MAYBE
THIS
is not a petting spot
BITE
he's been making a
SOLID effort
not to cut me
& to go gentle with the bites
I'm not sure HOW I ended up
with such an aggressive
CREATURE
living in my house
I texted her last night
I told her I had
worked out
a meal plan and was coming over today
when I checked in
said I was running late
she like
OH
she was completely
STABLE NOW
SO
mission accomplished, I guess
ALL it needed was
to have to do
SOMETHING
SHE didn't
PICK
& she's all good
MAYBE I
MISUNDERSTOOD
I don't think so, though
good not really morning sweetheart 🫶
I hope you are having a beautiful day 🫶
Sunday, April 6, 2025
I'm also juggling
this is the wall I'm looking to DEVELOP
a furniture
re-arrange
I have these drawers
they've been
where
they
ARE
for
YEARS and I LIKE them there
BUT
I have this
DIFFERENT idea
BECAUSE
when I MOVED things around
LAST time
the results are not
RIGHT, yet
& my IDEA for the NEXT trial
involved the SPOT where the drawers ARE
SO
I'm LIKE
are we getting rid of them
NOT if there's
SOMEWHERE ELSE
to put them
I'm dubious
BUT
if it WORKS
it'll be really
COOL, maybe
if not
MAYBE
I'll decide to get rid of them
I wouldn't
BET
on THAT though
the SPACE is
PRETTY tight
it may not even WORK
& it may be
TOO maximalist
CELERY
is diuretic
BUT
ALSO hydrating and full of electrolytes
& that inter-whatsit plant juice
is MUCH better
HYDRATION
than tap water
she's EATING a phlegm producing diet
she's got the congestive heart thing
I THINK
it exacerbates
she's not co-operative
& she won't eat
ANYTHING
she doesn't think is delicious
she's NOT needing hospitalization
BUT she FEELS bad
& she's FIXATED
herself on
the oxygen finger reader
I gotta snap her out of it
I mean
I don't GOTTA
BUT
I'm going to
the IDEA of
THIS food set
is protein, yes, but ALSO dried fruits*
WHICH will require
MORE FLUID for processing
*also chosen for the nutrient stack and affinity for weight loss (tomato family, I can't remember the doctor's name, the really nice-- he's written a bunch of books-- I know I can't remember names I didn't really try to remember-- damn it, hang on
I made a meal plan
for my mom
I THINK
she
feels like sh*t
because she doesn't get enough
PROTEIN
her body
NEEDS
MORE
to repair itself
she's eating pretty good
I'm MAKING THIS happen
I have this iCREMI or whatever
NINJA appliances
STAN
the IDEA is
you put regular yogurt in the freezer
then put it in the machine
BAM
it's low calorie high protein ice cream-ish
EXCEPT
for her I'm just mixing my coffee whey protein
into some coconut water
with some MCT C-8
BLEND
she's a sucker for ice cream
I hope this texture works
I'm wanting it to be
LIGHT
so she can eat the whole thing
ABOUT
EIGHTY grams of protein
THEN
CELERY with
PEANUT butter*
*Santa Cruz is low sodium
I WANT to
SEE--
how much celery will she eat
THEN
MICROgreens
with sun dried tomatoes
& that safe catch tuna they cook in the can
SNACKS/DESERT
unlimited celery
unlimited dried golden berries
one LAIRD lemon protein bar
Ooooooooooo
I just thought a thing
if you want me to be
INVOLVED in this
you have to DEAL with HOW I DO THAT
I've been not EXACTLY fasting
I have been having a hard time with the fast
DOing it
FOR a WHILE now
BUT
I decided
I would modify it
it's too many calories
the 750 of fasting mimicking is JUST
HARD sometimes
getting BACK into the SWING of things
I'm easing into it
TWO WHOLE packets
of OATCAKES
TWO cups
STRETCH to THREE, maybe
LAIRD LATTE
SEE
VERY
DE-FOCUSed on FOOD
the oatcakes have enough calories
HELL
TODAY I only had one
I'm having a kombucha NOW
they HAVE slow burn
CARBS
when I was at urgent care
with my mom
I had a date
with peanut butter
one, from a pack of three, closed it back up
I FEEL
pretty good
I've been moving around
I can't
ARTICULATE
MOST
of what I'm processing
YET
OR
I can't REMEMBER
all the territory
WELL
both, really
I have this
FANTASY
where I walk over to my mom's
walk her around the courtyard
& she's glad to see me
happy to be taking
a walk around
the courtyard
happy to
DO
the
THINGS
I recommend
a pleasure to be around
Saturday, April 5, 2025
on the after dark
WALK home
as I'm
WONDERING
should I walk through the middle of the parking lot in order to avoid
HEDGES
deciding there would be
NO EXPECTATIONS
of anyone walking HERE
NOW
no REASON to be
LURKING
right AFTER that
I thought
MAYBE
the problem is
YOU don't
FORGIVE her
she doesn't
DESERVE
forgiveness
she hasn't ASKED for forgiveness
& I'm not a christian
MAYBE
the forgiveness is FOR you
yeah, I've HEARD that
I've probably
EVEN SAID THAT
BUT
it's NOT
RESONATING
Friday, April 4, 2025
she does this THING
USED to
REALLY bother me
she says
SOME variant of
one THING I really did RIGHT
was RAISE you
WHICH
aside from being
INACCURATE
is ALL about HER, right
THIS time
I may not have done some things right
BUT
I did a GREAT job on YOU
I just looked at her
I'm GLAD you SEE
VALUE
in me
right now
I MEAN
there's no point
in getting
all into it
EITHER with her, or internally
I've come at it
from other
ANGLES
do I EVER NOT see value in you
she asks in a tone
yes, I say
OK
she's fine-ish
I can believe that she
was worried
I can believe that we needed to go
I'm NOT saying
she just wanted a big thing
& a lot of attention
I secretly suspect that
BUT
I am NOT asserting it
I probably would have taken an extra
DIURETIC and waited
BUT
I was GONNA just
STAY HOME
& DIE
if I got COVID too
SO
I'm NOT saying that I should be her role model
BUT
they TESTED the f*CK out of her
& they WEREN'T putting her in the hospital
BUT
she starts taking to the urgent care doctor
I have FLUID in my LUNGS
she says
And that is confirmed by TESTING by who?
the doctor says
I LOVE THIS SO MUCH
she ALWAYS just says
WHATEVER
& you're just supposed to
what did she tell me
a couple weeks ago
you're supposed to
ACCEPT WHAT I TELL YOU
& I'm LIKE
BUT
you KNOW that's
NEVER gonna HAPPEN
RIGHT
I THINK
three hours is LIKE
a SWEET spot
I can FOCUS but
NOT
blow myself out
the
LISTENING
is
LIKE
integral
NOW
a question
CAN we get
three hours of FOCUS and then
ANOTHER three hours
of ALTERNATE
FOCUS
LIKE
THAT
seems like it would
WORK
OR
MAYBE
three hours of FOCUS
SOME amount of
CHUNK action
MAYBE channel
the
SPACE out
TIME
I'm possibly onboard with
SOME
RITUAL
I was WORKING on
THAT before
BUT
I wasn't
NOW
STUFF is UP with me
I'M maybe getting a HANDLE
Thursday, April 3, 2025
OK
I went through the closet
it's not in its
FINAL
FORM
BUT
I cleared some room
for the
GIANT computer
BOX
I organized it
PRELIMINARILY
DIRTY clothes
are ALL CONTAINED
all the "loose, random" items
that I wanted to get
"out of the way" of the desk area
are NOW in the closet
the clothes in the chair
are ALSO CONTAINED in the
laundry bags in the closet
SO
CLOSET is FULL
MORE stuff to carry downstairs
I'm proud of myself
I'm gonna take a break before I do my trash run
& I'm NOT going to goodwill TODAY
BUT
YAY! 🥳🥳🥳
Wednesday, April 2, 2025
I just got myself
OVERWHELMED
I have these
KINDA
opposing forces
I WANT the BIG picture
VISION
BUT
when I pull BACK to
SEE
the OTHER part of ME
SEES
all the ways--
or MAYBE
all the STUFF
it isn't
MANAGEABLE
it's TOO MUCH
& it's
a little demoralizing
ALSO
it's BETTER
DONE
in manageable CHUNKS
BUT
I REALLY
am finding THAT difficult
if it's a BIG project
you really need to work on it in a concentrated
MANNER
& my operating THEORY is
LOOK for small CHUNKS to leave for later
SPECIFICALLY to LEAVE
MANAGEABLE
CHUNKS
BUT
ya gotta pull back
ALSO
I expanded my processing to
AND THEN
I realized that there's this sort of
WAY
in which
I
TEND
to make things
ALTERS
& I THINK it has
SOMETHING
LIKE
pkd (philip k dick)
MOOD organ (in electric sheep)
it's a
PATTERN
that I stare at
that has
CONNECTIONS to
contact POINTS
it's a BRAIN hack
if you do it RIGHT, or MAYBE more like
DON'T DO it WRONG
THINK
ABOUT it
it's not MEANT to be
CASUAL
OK
YES
if you drink MORE
you will make MORE pee
BUT
if you drink less
your BODY
will retain water
BECAUSE
PEEING
is an essential process
to remove
WASTE
& filter blood
SO
when you're
SLEEPING
that's the
TIME
your BODY is
PRIORITIZING
REPAIR
you're
ALWAYS
gonna need to pee
THEN
I was
THINKING of it
as MORE of
a FILTER
LIKE
water POURS through
LIKE
making
COFFEE
I wasn't thinking of it
as a PROCESS really
I guess I didn't
THINK about it that
DEEPLY
HOW
do you THINK
CORY BOOKER pulled off the
BIO
I can't
IMAGINE
there is ANY diaper
that would
HOLD
twenty five hours of my pee volume
I am
SHOCKED--
by the amount of
PEE
I was thinking about it the other day
I DRANK some water
peed
I was up a little while
peed AGAIN
before bed
without having had any additional fluid since last
PEEING
WOKE UP five-ish hours later
peed AGAIN
when I woke up
a few hours later
AGAIN
from WHAT
did my BODY
MAKE
THAT
pee
SO
LIKE
SURELY NOW all the pee is out, right
am I really supposed to believe
he's never heard the word
BEZEL?!
I think of that as a REALLY basic term
BUT
MAYBE
if you have no interest in jewelry at all
BUT
I have ALSO always been surprised
when people don't know
what semi precious
STONES
they are wearing
MAYBE
I shouldn't consider
ANYTHING
to be BASIC knowledge
I have ALWAYS sort of defaulted to
MOST of what I KNOW
is STUFF
EVERYBODY KNOWS
which is probably WHY
I don't SEE the insufferable
KNOW it ALL
CAKEBREAD btw
starts at about $35 a bottle
& I saw a 2016 cabernet for $999 a bottle
BEZEL looks like a slightly downmarket
BUT
in a KINDA artsy way
NOT napa
PASO ROBLES on the Cabernet
paso ROBLES is gonna give you
MORE fruit
SO
it's a good choice to be sending him
I didn't do enough research
to KNOW about other
VARIETALS
I extrapolated
edited
OK
I BOUGHT it
I took it
OUT of the BOX
& physically set it on the DESK
BUT
I haven't set it up or anything
THAT
is too much for TODAY
the guy who was helping me
is all LIKE
you seem VERY SAVVY
& I'm LIKE
I am NOT really all that savvy
BUT
I can get by, I think
he just thinks that because I KNEW
what I was looking for
I did research
I have bought laptops
since I replaced the iMAC
BUT
my last laptop was before pandemic
& I'm nervous about my
SKILL SET
BUT
I KNOW I don't NEED a laptop
BECAUSE I CAN
do all that stuff on my phone
I KNOW I NEED
something for writing
because if I'm doing anything longform
my phone is NOT all that practical
especially since I type with
ONE FINGER
as opposed to the three or four that I use with a KEYBOARD
I thought about a freewrite
BUT
I don't think that is my best option
I MIGHT want to do
VIDEO
I MIGHT want to do
GRAPHIC STUFF
I'm NOT SURE
I want to play a couple games
BUT
I'm not REALLY a gamer
I FIGURE
I NEED something KINDA versatile
more or less GENERAL use
& I WANT an ALL in ONE
because they are sleek and not a bunch of cords
blah blah blah
BUT
I MIGHT need more power when I figure out
WHAT'S up
& THIS can become a monitor (HDMI)
which not everything can
I was considering the pro + mini
BUT
that's probably MORE than I NEED
THIS lets me add that later
if I need it
SO
it's an ASUS M-series
27" monitor
I wanted to look at the PORTS
& I'm LIKE
is this the one with
16gb RAM & 1tb SSD
he's LIKE
YES
SO
SEE I come off as SAVVY
BUT
I may cry and scream
& NEED help setting it up
OR
it may be smooth as silk
it wasn't too much more expensive than the
iMAC was back in 2000
although they are saying that the
BASE model iMAC
NOW
is the same price as it was BEFORE
MAYBE I got mine on sale THEN
it's three hundred more than I paid then
the only reason it was
MORE
is that I got service & ANTI virus
which I wouldn't
NORMALLY
BUT
it SEEMED like a good idea
to me NOW
27" is pretty BIG for ME
I'm LIKE
SWANKY
I was gonna tackle the closet
BECAUSE
I've been JUST
CRAMMING sh*t in there
WILLY NILLY
since the last time I organized it
AND
it is HEINOUS
BUT
I think it's gonna need to be
EVERYTHING pulled OUT
I've gotta lug the boxes downstairs
& either OUT to the TRASH
OR
GOODWILL, depending
SO
if I can go to bed early
GET UP EARLY
& deal with all THAT
MAYBE I can FEEL like
I really got something DONE
I'd LIKE to get the closet at LEAST
STARTED
SO
THAT is
a LOT of DEMAND for me
we'll SEE
HOW it goes
I have THINGS I WANT to do TODAY
therapy cancelled
SO reassessing
WHAT I want to do
TODAY
I was gonna go buy a computer
I'm drinking coffee
I'm watching
NEWS
& I remembered TK is today
BUT
it isn't in audible yet
SO
I went to iTunes to SEE if there WAS one
AND
YES indeed
iTunes tells you what's up
with the episode
SO
I saw the guests
& MUSIC
AND
I LAUGHED seriously out LOUD
I'm SO
LOOKING forward to
this episode
I LOVE you
❤️❤️❤️
well, he CALLED today
and he's having a
REACTION
to the medicine
TUESDAY
so just cancel this week
which, honestly, is fine with me
I thought there was something physically wrong
with him for a while
he says this is none months
I feel like
it's been at least
SIX months since I've been noticing
& it's something
thyroid related
he said he's going to stay home and take care of himself in a way that SOUNDS
like that's a deviation from the
NORM
however, I feel like THAT is his default
& I'm NOT saying that that is BAD
it just seems like
MAYBE
HE doesn't KNOW that
good morning sweetheart 🫶🫶🫶
Tuesday, April 1, 2025
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