The morning Jing is delicious

I was concerned

The inclusion of black beans just made me think oh this is going to be weird

but what it tastes like is black sesame it's delicious just absolutely delicious

It's better on its own than it is in coffee I had hoped I could maybe combine them but I enjoy the coffee with the soy milk better without the added flavors

which doesn't surprise me cuz I've never really been a big fan of things like mochas and flavored coffees and etc

I hope everything's really good

I love you sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

I'm falling asleep in the chair again

I hope everything is good with you

hope

I didn't just confuse you

trying to be cute

I worry

💋

the shaman shack stuff got here
the sea clear
i mixed a little with my rice
it's a nice condiment
it's got kinda a mustard-y vibe
the vinegar is pretty tangy
i'm not sure how it's gonna be as soup
i'll have to play with it and see

the powders
i didn't taste them yet

i increased the wheatgrass and chlorella

i had avocado with my brown rice
i love avocado and brown rice
it is seriously one of the most comforting food combinations ever

my head hurts though
i think the weather is still changing
or changing again

i gotta go to bed

oh
i forgot

i got a scale
and the first day
which was several days ago
i was disappointed
i wasn't sure how much to think i weighed

but
i thought i had lost that 15 pounds, or whatever
and then maybe i gained back some of it
but definitely not all of it

and it was in the evening
so not like lowest possible weight of the day
but
it was about 10 pounds less than my high weight
and that made me sad
i thought
i'd be more like my 2007 weight (or less)
i knew i wouldn't be my 2011 dallas weight
when i felt really sexy (ish)
i mean
that was approximately my 2003 weight
which i think was approximately my 1994 weight

i tend to fluxuate up and down, ya see

but then two days later it was six pounds less
and tonight i'm halfway in-between

so
idk
i need a schedule for weighing time
and
i guess i wanna lose 37 pounds not 30

i mean
i wanna lose more than that
but
like for now
i guess my 27 year old weight would do

headache
gotta go to bed

i love you sweetheart

goodnight sweets
i gotta go sleep fast
did the rice and collard greens gig for dinner
no prob
i'm tryin to think of some reason to say fuck ton
because it's a fuck ton of fun to say
it's retinol night
maybe my face will peel off
prolly not tho

imma go try and dream about donuts
and maybe some donut holes
nudge nudge, say no more

you know you know that reference, don't even 

💋

Ok

so I drove down memorial drive today

and the burning question on my mind is

what is the land bridge

"coming in 2021"

also

when the fuck did Houston get a voodoo donut

and why was I not personally informed?

I didn't go

but

I mean

sadface about that

so now I'm sorta off the wagon having Thai food

but

I feel like it was a save from donut lunch

and I was headed there

hard

hope you're having a good day

💋

Ok

I got that wrong it's 2022

and I still don't really understand it

but

it's a triumph of green over gray

so we can all sleep safely again

it's part of a renovation

that they made sound like it might help with the flooding

they cut down a fuck ton of trees

and they're "reclaiming" some wetland

so

they're calling it a prairie

but

if they're reclaiming what was here

they're cutting down trees to make

a swamp

also

Voodoo's only been here a couple months

so
the chlorella/wheatgrass/oatmeal bar thing
worked fine
but
i was pretty hungry when i got home
the miso came
so i decided to have that
that was fine too

but
i cooked the dashi
and then mixed the miso into the bowl
to try to retain the ferment
[if you cook it too much it kills it]

i cooked too much dashi
i wasn't getting full
just then really really had to pee

the dregs in the bottom of the bowl were the best bits

so
i think
[it's been a while since i made miso
and i never tried to do it like all fast and stuff
i put leeks or spring onions and shiitakes and stuff]

i think
not much water
a whole bunch of miso paste
and maybe some nutritional yeast
and
those dulse are really good too

i have to go to some training tomorrow
on my day off
at the heights
so
i'm getting up super early
to miss the traffic

i'm going to bed in a few minutes
i love you sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart
i'm going to bed
i love you

💋

wait-- i want to lead with this!

i found a new favorite food!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well
maybe that doesn't 100% accurately describe the situation
i've had this before
but it's like
you've had canned tuna sandwiches
and then you have seared ahi tuna
seriously
it's the same food
but not really

dulse

it's got this smokey umami flavor i love
but
i get it generally in
toasted sesame oil
smoked cheese
stuff like that
high calorie stuff
this is seaweed

seaweed is good for you
and practically calorieless
i was thinking miso soup
but
i like seaweed in brown rice
so i sprinkled it on that tonight
[with steamed green beans]
and it was awesome
love love love

it's like other people are with bacon
me and this seaweed are now
i'm ordering a big bag from the maine seaweed people
who have the delicious sweet kombu
which is obvi gonna be the base for my miso

this stuff is too expensive
i didn't realize how not far this bag was gonna go
it says 30 servings
but i think it's more like 4


so so excited!
#yum

ok
things for today
so many things
i felt pretty good today
and i've been feeling pretty shitty for a while now
all the things i used to take
pretty much are on again

natto and serra
msm
ala, alcar, nac

i was taking phosphatidyl choline
added hawthorn
horse chestnut  --  crap, i forgot hormones, god damn it
whatever, extra hormones tomorrow

one of the things serra does
[although for me, only when i first start taking it]
is clear your sinuses
so
i could taste the hemp heart butter really well
and
it's not quite as great as i thought
i'll still eat it
but
i much prefer walnut butter, i think that one wins for taste for sure
pros and cons of hemp butter--  maybe more research

I thought maybe I had scared you off with my talk about my hideous leg

but then I felt you last night

kissing my lips

my neck

my shoulders

and then

I felt you

quite convincingly

push into me

most of the feelings

sexual feelings

have been much more abstracted

but

not this

this was quite concrete

then

I started spasming

gloriously

upset the cat

gave myself a cramp

had to stop and give myself

a pelvic massage

which was ok too

did not have to get up and walk it off

which would have really pissed off the cat

Leg's better

still looks very irritated

I'm going to bed early

try to get extra rest

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

hope everything is good where you are

💋

so
years ago
like when i first started working here
i did this thing
where for lunch i would take chlorella and wheatgrass tablets
and i would lose about 5 pounds in the week
i'm not sure i'm gonna do exactly that
at that point i was standing at a register all day
so
i didn't need any energy
but
they are both detoxing
and nutrient dense
so
i ordered those
and
hatcho miso
which isn't my favorite flavor-wise
but it is detoxing and nutrient dense

i figure i need a lot of detoxing
and internal anti-aging

i ordered baby dulse too
mostly because i want to jazz it up
but
also detoxing and nutrient dense

also that other stuff

i need to drop about 30 pounds
detox
dna repair
i'm on a regime of supplements
but
i'm gonna have to go back to some of the old ones briefly

i gotta do nattokinase and serrapeptase heavy for about a month
msm heavy for about a month
then
let the dust from that settle
maybe do the master cleanse for like 3 days

i'm gonna do mostly brown rice cooked in bone broth
and a green vegetable for dinner
as much as i can

i've started back with nut/seed butter toast for breakfast
and i prefer walnut
[which is very nutrient dense]
but today i had hemp heart butter
on my dave's killer 21 grain bread
and
it really held me

i only had a corazon bar for lunch
they are pretty tasty
oatmeal and phytosterols and banana
and then i wasn't even that hungry for dinner

but
i had a setback with my legs
they've been doing pretty well, generally
so much so that i have stopped taking every single thing i was doing for them
including eating all the organic fruits
which i stopped doing sometime in november
when i freaked out about my money situation
besides it wasn't really working for me
that stuff was coming on thursday
but my monday or tuesday sometimes it wasn't any good
i was throwing a bunch of it away

so
lunches have strayed from bars
to naughty things i enjoy to eat
like popcorn

so
my legs
they swell a little
and they are sometimes a little pink
but today

today
my right leg looks sunburned
it is red and slightly purple-y
it doesn't hurt
i worked on it all day
but
it worried me

i went to the drug store
and i wanted coco butter to put on it
but there's no fucking coco butter without a bunch of crap in it
and i know better than to put "fragrance" or alcohol
on my irritated flesh
you'd hear me psychically screaming where you are

so i got shea butter 100% raw
which is acceptable
i didn't want to use coconut
i didn't feel like that was the right thing
even though it has anti bacterial properties
i don't think this is a skin infection

i also got compression socks
which i hate exponentially more than regular socks
but i just put one on the right side
the left leg looks extra good after the shea butter massage
except
looking at it in the light
the strong light
imma have to figure out how to shave without destroying my
fragile leg skin
my hair is invisible
and so doesn't ever bother me at all
but
if you get a strong enough light on it
it's visible
and it shocks me
because i never ever see it
or even feel it because it's thin and sparse from waxing
so
like if i run my hand along my leg
i don't feel hair
if i look at my leg
i don't see hair
if i shine a strong light on it
i kinda make that vampire in the light hissing
blocking my face action

maybe some kind of electric razor
i'll have to figure it out
because now i'm grossed out

it might just be all the heater action
that's what set everything off before
like a straw that broke the camels back action before

so
anyway
that what i'm doing today

hope your day was good


i have a cica serum
that i found oh so fucking cheap

i used it for the first time last night

and then again today

and everything is almost gone

so

we'll see

what tends to happen now is it clears up

almost totally

and then i do something that aggravates it

use a mask

or an acid toner

so

i think imma stick to the two masks that i'm pretty sure

are 100% safe

merle norman miracol

and

earthwise beauty sungod

and

pa'akai [compromising with no beauty water]

and physical exfolliation [i have a sample of african botanics buchu

which is wonderful]

i think, with the retinol

i'm going to

rather than try to get closer together

and then i have to keep up with the days

i'm going to compromise by doing it twice a week

so it'll hit 3 and 4

and

if it seems not to want it

i'll just skip that dose

not just go to the next day

anyway

that was a long way of saying

i might use the cica serum on my leg

but i will not be taking it internally again

i don't want to be psycho

i feel like my moods are pretty manageable now

i just realized my spellcheck is gone

that's fucking weird

i typed manageable without the e and said

no there should be an e, right

and there was no spellcheck

i had to look it up on my phone, huh

anyway

most of this is not interesting

but i'm obsessed with working out these

protocols

what is the most effective

least expensive

most emotionally gratifying skincare

that will clear my blemishes

and make me not look older than say 38

i wanted 28

but i've given up on that

and

of course the training protocol

is exciting

i worked on that all day

goodnight sweetheart

i love you very much

I'm starting to fall asleep in the chair again

And I still have a super bad headache

So I'm not going to really write anything right now

I like the new updates

Goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

message from the universe?

this morning

when I opened blogger

it was on "somatic shrine"

which I think I made private

and

regardless haven't written in for years

it opened to 01/12/12

it had a picture of the puppyfish

and it said

"hi"

I've been haunted by this all day

how the hell would that have

just happened

to come up

I don't even remember putting it there

if I'd been looking

I'd have looked under

puppyfishing

or whatever it is

my first choice was taken

so it's slightly off

God my head really hurts

Cold flash is a thing

I looked it up

I've never heard of cold flash never ever ever ever ever

And I think as far as night sweats mine are pretty mild and actually it might just be that I was wearing a ton of clothes and a ton of blankets and I'm on a Tempur-Pedic mattress that holds in heat

But the things I'm calling night sweats or when I wake up and I'm all sweaty and my clothes are wet

I've never actually had it be so bad that I had to change bedding but maybe I'm just more hardcore than the average woman

But even being warm when I'm sleeping is kind of unusual at a point in my life when I was trying to do that temperature fertility tracking what I found was when I wake up in the morning my body temperature is like 68 or something

So my natural sleeping is like kind of corpsey

although in fairness at the time I was sleeping with a guy who had a waterbed and it turned out he was not using the heater in the waterbed because he was hot all the time so it was wicking away all of my body heat

so probably in the mattress that retains heat I don't get that cold

but to wake up hot and sweaty is not a common thing for me even in fairly hot weather unless you know I don't have a fan or anything going

so if I wake up sweaty I call it night sweats but it may not technically be that intense and to be honest with you the nights what's really don't bother me that much but that cold flash thing that was kind of scary I mean

I just could not get warm and I was shaking like I had some kind of palsy

Anyway I'm still cold

Normally I take a leisurely hot shower

But today I'm like rushing through and drying off and putting on clothes because I mean I was cold when I got out of bed because I was all wet

And I don't normally need the temperature to be 70 in order to not be cold

Well I mean maybe that's not true

Maybe when I'm taking my shower and stuff I always need it to be like 70 to not be cold but I'm not wet anymore

I'm just a little concerned that today is going to be unpleasant

But oh well

I hope I hope your day is good at least

I love you sweetheart

Ok

Working Theory

COLD FLASH

followed by night sweats

YAY!

Still have a headache

but

I don't think I'm sick

Okay maybe I'm getting sick I don't know I now have on socks I hate socks I hate socks and pants and a shirt and a hoodie that I have zipped up and the hood pulled up and I've been standing under the heater vent and it says that it's almost 70 now but I still am shivering too much to type so that's not good

So my head hurts really bad but I don't feel sick specifically hunt just feel like I can't stop shivering

I really hope I'm not sick because my mom her immunity is not so good I didn't I don't go out with her if I think I might be sick but I didn't but now I'm not so sure so I guess we'll see how I feel in the morning I'm the opening person so I can't actually call out if I am sick so I hope I'm not sick and don't feel all that super coherent but I have been kind of short on sleep though I feel like I got a lot of sleep on Saturday night

so I'm going to go get under my whole blankets and polar fleece blankets and see if I can get warm since standing under the heating vent and standing under the heat lamp in the bathroom didn't do it although it's better it's better and now my head feels kind of hot but I'm still shivering a little

I'll let you know in the morning

I love you

And I dictated all this stuff because I couldn't couldn't text him besides it's too much so I tried to kind of edit it while I went but if I missed something then don't get upset

Good night sweetheart

I went to dinner with my mom

On the one hand she looks really tired and her face is more wrinkly

On the other hand she doesn't have all these horrible bruises all over her arms her arms look great

Because since she's on it all plant-based diet she's getting more like vitamin k or whatever and they've cut down her Coumadin so she's not all blood thinned

And she seems like she is doing really good

She said she feels really good

She was supposed to go for a consultation about a procedure that her doctor wants to do for her defib

what she's had for years and she has a pacemaker

I can't remember now what the procedure is called but they go in and they shock the back of your heart and it doesn't seem strangely enough to be a very risky procedure it's like outpatient

Except of course that she's old and they have to give you sedation they don't use full on anesthesia but they do sedation

Her doctor told her it's the same stuff that Michael Jackson took to go to sleep like that's going to mean something to her it doesn't even mean something to me but I guess it does make clear that it's less anesthesia than sedation

anyway she was supposed to go for this consultation and she never called me to tell me what happened so I was asking her but she didn't go

Which I was not invested in her having weird procedures so I get it I wasn't following up because I wanted to make sure she was doing it I was following up because I wanted to know what was going on

So but she told the doctor that she was afraid and she wanted to wait and would it be possible to wait and he said yeah they could try the food thing for another 6 months

And I mean the doctor that put in the pacemaker and her previous doctor seemed to think she had defib she had a pacemaker everything was fine they weren't even really checking up on her at all

so that makes one wonder does that mean she didn't need to be checked up on that everything is fine or does that mean that they didn't give a s*** and we're pretty incompetent

This guy I don't know he started off seeing her every week and I think that's good because he was taking her off medication and doing all kind of stuff and that requires actual monitoring which for a while it sounded like he was not doing but now maybe he's doing it she said he puts all her information on a website that she can go and look at all her diagnosis and stuff and I had asked her last time if I could have that link so I could look at it and see hemmed and hawed and seemed like she did not want me to

Anyway it's freezing here well not technically technically it's 46 degrees but that is very very cold and I have a really bad headache because I think there's a front coming through or something and I have to go to work and I only got like 5 hours of sleep last night so I'm going to bed now

I love you very much ❤️

I'm sorry

I got really sad and didn't have anything to say

I fell asleep in the chair again

goodnight sweetheart 💋

❤️

just so you know

I didn't pick it for song content

specific songs are not important

just time and place

and

quality of video

I'm not trying to tell you

something

I was just having a moment

hope that helps 

i love you sweetheart
i gotta go to bed
but i'm thinking of you
have fun with the rest of your night

i never snapped to the bowing thing
pretty cool

I dreamed

I had to start setting up beer displays

in my house

I don't want to do this, I said

no one is going to see them here

and I don't want to look at them

also

I had an odd painting arrangement

it was small, like 9"x12", paintings

organized into a large rectangle on the wall

3x4 of them I think

then

I was a commedian, I think

I was Asian, I think

my father was Asian

I think I was male

my father didn't think I was funny

and he was going to beat me with a golf club

he kept talking about the impact the golf club was going to have when it hits my bones

also there was something about a box

cutting away the sides of s box

while still maintaining the structure

not very happy dreams

But

I really want to see you

I'm gonna figure it out

I love you sweetheart

idk currently things look bad
i'm working on alternate income stream ideas

i should not have gone to dallas
dallas is a bad omen place
i'm never going there again

i had been wanting to go to colorado
and i had this trip all planned
then i realized
i could in no way afford it

and i should have realized how much less money i had than i thought
i tried to ask you if i should skip it
but you didn't understand

and other stuff

but
blah blah blah

last night

when I got into bed

I actually felt your lips

kissing me

the sensation on my mouth

I don't remember ever feeling that before

I've felt like I was holding you

I've felt various bodily sensations

but

I can't recall kissing

isn't that kinda strange?

but

I'm not complaining

it was amazing

more please

💋😁

💋

❤️

goodnight sweetheart

💋

talking heads is pz's fault

but I'm not mad at it

ooo I just saw this one

I know it'll be stuck in my head

i woke up with the worst headache i've had in months
but
somehow
and this is weird with a bad headache
i kinda felt good
so
i staggered around and drank my soy-milkcoffee
[it's like almost half soy milk now]

but, wait
i'm making it sound like i did all that before i peed
which isn't true
i alway pee first
sometimes i look at my phone before
sometimes i check my skin before
but
i never go make coffee before i pee

when i was a teenager i once slept 17 hours without getting up to pee
now
i very rarely sleep more than 5 hours without getting up to pee
wow
this got off track

when i went to pee
i realized
i'm starting my period

i had really thought there was a good chance that wasn't gonna happen again

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

💋

💋

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

i fell asleep in the chair
and then i fell down a rabbit hole
(choline)
anyway

i've been using retinol
i've used it before
never, i think, in a particularly high concentration
but
the green beauty people made me think i should avoid it
but
i have aging and breakouts
which will not resolve
and retinol is a cure for both of them

so i'm back on the juice
5% retinol
and i'm trying to acclimate my skin to it
no rush, ya know
so i'm up to every four days
and i haven't really had any peeling, but
the breakouts did increase slightly
and i think i'm a little drier
but i think my skin type has never been dry or oily
i think it's always been (sort of normal/combination)

i don't have problems with "oily"-ness, but i do have pore issues
sebum plugs in my pores
which mostly present as blackheads
and little bumps
which i pick
my more recent hormonal issues have led to some cystic bumps
but not in large quantity
i always had small pores
but the aging thing makes em stretch out
which exacerbated the clogged pore thing
but
i feel like i've almost beat it


if i had a dollar for every time i've said that

but
i'm both ever optimistic about my experiments
and desperate to feel like i can control some aspect of this menopause crap
and plus like i sublimated my sexuality into skin care rituals  = )
but
i put these hydration elements on my skin
and follow with a beeswax based salve
and
now
i'm convinced that if i just had a morning cleanser that would remove
what has got to be softened sebum plugs
i will have the last piece of the puzzle

it's tricky though


and
it's made me think about the first time i tried skin care

i was in second grade
and i somehow got my hands on a pink jar of mary kay night something
which was weird because there was avon everywhere
i think deborah had friends that sold it
but no mary kay
yet here it was like magic
and
it was basically pink Vaseline
i doubt i washed my face before hand
maybe i did
and then i smeared a little bit of it all over my face
massaging it in
it felt
i don't remember
efficacious maybe

i woke up with three little whitehead pimples
the tiniest, least threatening, little pimples you could imagine
i scraped them off with my fingernail and moved on

this cream was apparently for "older women"

and
my whole life i've had to walk this line
of things being too heavy for me
or too stripping
i didn't have problems, exactly
but
i always liked milky moisturizing cleansers
and a very light moisturizer
or maybe just a serum

now
i'm slathering on the heavy occlusives
to keep the hydration in
because i've maybe always had a problem with dehydration

it's still good skin, though
and glow-y
today i put on makeup to cover the spots
and i thought
i don't think that looks nearly as good
maybe i could just find a concealer
i really don't want to cover it up


i love you sweetheart, sleep well

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much