it's just one of my stories
one i hadn't told you yet
i love you
sweetheart
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Monday, October 29, 2012
orange
i drove across the bridge, crying. i knew it should be something beautiful and special, but it wasn't. all i could think: some version of why is he being this way to me; what's wrong with me that i am letting myself go down this road.
so. i drove the streets. they were narrow. i saw places i wanted to stop and there was no parking. no parking anywhere. so i drove down to the water. it wasn't how i remembered it. it seemed phony, somehow. i went to a restaurant, it was expensive, gratuitous, but there was something in the view out the window. the pilings were old, weathered, slick with scum. the gulls circled. that was real.
i stared, thinking about rubbing away the tiny desiccated tube feet of the starfish they bought me when i had been here before. the enormous golden curtains. the inflated rubber seal. was this the place of those things?
i left the restaurant. i walked down the street. there were t-shirt shops, everywhere.
a woman pulled me aside to offer me something. she was shorter than me, and older. she was, it seemed to me, a mexican woman, and this made her legitimate somehow. like whatever she was going to offer me was a straight up transaction. i wasn't worried that she would rob me.
do you want me to tell you your fortune?
how much?
to be honest, i don't remember now her fee.
she pulled me back into this beautiful courtyard. probably it was nothing special. probably every little courtyard in that city has a tree and a bench and a stillness which i would feel compelled to imbue with magic. it's how i am. she invoked a secrecy which seemed out of context. was she working another gypsy's turf? and then she told me things.
you haven't felt appreciated.
yes, well, that was hardly a stretch. i'm sure i didn't seem happy, and really, what woman ever feels appreciated. she wasn't getting a lot of points for this fortune. something about things turning around for me. something about a child.
no no you don't get it, i said. i think i'm too old. this was four or five years ago.
no. you're not. don't worry, women are having babies into their fifties now.
right. whatever. but i didn't say it aloud, no point in being rude.
do you want me to give you the magic blessing.
how much is that?
sixty dollars.
no, look, i only have forty dollars left.
it's ok. don't tell my sister. i like you. it's enough.
and, i hadn't really meant that. i had meant that i only had forty dollars left and i was in a strange city and needed to hang on to my money. i didn't really believe in her blessing. but i was carried along in the flow of events and i just couldn't stop.
she pulled smooth rocks out of her pocket, maybe eight, maybe ten. maybe twelve. they weren't rocks she picked up off the ground. they were quartz and flourite and i'm not sure what all. she kind of rubbed them down the sides of my body. she made some hand movements. it all sort of ran together into some sort of surreal moment, culminating with her pressing the stones into my hand.
keep them, she said.
she told me the initials of my mystery man were j.s. the most obvious, innocuous initials possible. and then. then it hit me.
j.s., that was me.
and i had to laugh, as i walked away holding my stones.
so. i drove the streets. they were narrow. i saw places i wanted to stop and there was no parking. no parking anywhere. so i drove down to the water. it wasn't how i remembered it. it seemed phony, somehow. i went to a restaurant, it was expensive, gratuitous, but there was something in the view out the window. the pilings were old, weathered, slick with scum. the gulls circled. that was real.
i stared, thinking about rubbing away the tiny desiccated tube feet of the starfish they bought me when i had been here before. the enormous golden curtains. the inflated rubber seal. was this the place of those things?
i left the restaurant. i walked down the street. there were t-shirt shops, everywhere.
a woman pulled me aside to offer me something. she was shorter than me, and older. she was, it seemed to me, a mexican woman, and this made her legitimate somehow. like whatever she was going to offer me was a straight up transaction. i wasn't worried that she would rob me.
do you want me to tell you your fortune?
how much?
to be honest, i don't remember now her fee.
she pulled me back into this beautiful courtyard. probably it was nothing special. probably every little courtyard in that city has a tree and a bench and a stillness which i would feel compelled to imbue with magic. it's how i am. she invoked a secrecy which seemed out of context. was she working another gypsy's turf? and then she told me things.
you haven't felt appreciated.
yes, well, that was hardly a stretch. i'm sure i didn't seem happy, and really, what woman ever feels appreciated. she wasn't getting a lot of points for this fortune. something about things turning around for me. something about a child.
no no you don't get it, i said. i think i'm too old. this was four or five years ago.
no. you're not. don't worry, women are having babies into their fifties now.
right. whatever. but i didn't say it aloud, no point in being rude.
do you want me to give you the magic blessing.
how much is that?
sixty dollars.
no, look, i only have forty dollars left.
it's ok. don't tell my sister. i like you. it's enough.
and, i hadn't really meant that. i had meant that i only had forty dollars left and i was in a strange city and needed to hang on to my money. i didn't really believe in her blessing. but i was carried along in the flow of events and i just couldn't stop.
she pulled smooth rocks out of her pocket, maybe eight, maybe ten. maybe twelve. they weren't rocks she picked up off the ground. they were quartz and flourite and i'm not sure what all. she kind of rubbed them down the sides of my body. she made some hand movements. it all sort of ran together into some sort of surreal moment, culminating with her pressing the stones into my hand.
keep them, she said.
she told me the initials of my mystery man were j.s. the most obvious, innocuous initials possible. and then. then it hit me.
j.s., that was me.
and i had to laugh, as i walked away holding my stones.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Saturday, October 27, 2012
i was kinda wound up earlier today
and i was talking to violin major
[actually i just found out today that she was a violin major
before today
she was just sweet little-girl-voice girl]
i was wearing my hoodie
and
i guess the juxtaposition of me in a hoodie
was worthy of comment
[i look like a hoodlum or something]
so she commented that
it was really not all that cold
so i went into this spontaneous story
about the cold and the wind and sweater sale signs
yesterday
and she said:
wow
that was a really mundane story
but something about the way you told it
i could not pull myself away
me:
it's a gift
[actually i just found out today that she was a violin major
before today
she was just sweet little-girl-voice girl]
i was wearing my hoodie
and
i guess the juxtaposition of me in a hoodie
was worthy of comment
[i look like a hoodlum or something]
so she commented that
it was really not all that cold
so i went into this spontaneous story
about the cold and the wind and sweater sale signs
yesterday
and she said:
wow
that was a really mundane story
but something about the way you told it
i could not pull myself away
me:
it's a gift
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
my mom is weird
i went out with her today
the way she is dealing with his loss
is beyond bizarre to me
she's been going through his things
she found a nudie magazine dated after the point
at which she made him promise to get rid of them all
[like 4 years ago
and there's a private story that goes with that
which i will not share]
but
so
she's decided
that she didn't really have a marriage
and
she doesn't even want his ashes
but
she actually had an affair
like 20 years ago
and that's not an issue
that's his fault too
[i, of course, did not bring up that fact
i don't even know if she remembers it]
i remember it though
because i was the one who had to tell her
that her anger and jealousy
over what her "friend" was doing with some young girl
really needed to be toned down
or even the step dad was gonna figure it out
i've been thinking of him fondly
and he put up with her for all those years
and now
i guess the only way she can deal with it
is to feel better off without him
i think it's really sad
please god
maybe i ask for a lot already
but
if you could see your way clear to never making me
even one little bit like my mother
i would really really appreciate it
and
maybe, while you at it
throw a little something her way
to fix whatever's wrong with her
she had a really really fucked up childhood, i know
and i have to believe that she just can't help it
the way she is dealing with his loss
is beyond bizarre to me
she's been going through his things
she found a nudie magazine dated after the point
at which she made him promise to get rid of them all
[like 4 years ago
and there's a private story that goes with that
which i will not share]
but
so
she's decided
that she didn't really have a marriage
and
she doesn't even want his ashes
but
she actually had an affair
like 20 years ago
and that's not an issue
that's his fault too
[i, of course, did not bring up that fact
i don't even know if she remembers it]
i remember it though
because i was the one who had to tell her
that her anger and jealousy
over what her "friend" was doing with some young girl
really needed to be toned down
or even the step dad was gonna figure it out
i've been thinking of him fondly
and he put up with her for all those years
and now
i guess the only way she can deal with it
is to feel better off without him
i think it's really sad
please god
maybe i ask for a lot already
but
if you could see your way clear to never making me
even one little bit like my mother
i would really really appreciate it
and
maybe, while you at it
throw a little something her way
to fix whatever's wrong with her
she had a really really fucked up childhood, i know
and i have to believe that she just can't help it
Sunday, October 21, 2012
omg weird dreams, but i can only remember bits
the first time i woke up
i remember thinking:
those were really strange bad dreams
but i went back to bed
because i felt unwell
and didn't have to get up
[except that
now that i work a regular schedule
for the first time in my life
if i sleep late
i tend to have trouble going to sleep]
i really don't like the regular schedule much
i know i should
anyway
i went back to sleep
and i dreamed
i had gone home to my family estate
which was in, i don't know, italy maybe
it was out in the country
and there wasn't much to identify which country
but the impression i get is italy
i was younger than i am
and beautiful in a dark and wispy way
and i had a what, lover, i'm not sure
he was impressive, for sure
and
i was thinking i was going to live in this apartment
kind of separated from the rest of the estate, practically
like a separate entrance, etc
and the workers were building this barrier
using metal plates
which said something about laundry
like panels from a washateria
and
i thought:
hey, that's kinda ugly
but then i just started thinking
how i could paint them, or whatever
but then
it turned out that i couldn't have the apartment
and it didn't look like happily ever after was coming
easily
or
any time soon
there was more
lots more
lots of little subtle things
that might have held the key
but i can't remember them
i remember thinking:
those were really strange bad dreams
but i went back to bed
because i felt unwell
and didn't have to get up
[except that
now that i work a regular schedule
for the first time in my life
if i sleep late
i tend to have trouble going to sleep]
i really don't like the regular schedule much
i know i should
anyway
i went back to sleep
and i dreamed
i had gone home to my family estate
which was in, i don't know, italy maybe
it was out in the country
and there wasn't much to identify which country
but the impression i get is italy
i was younger than i am
and beautiful in a dark and wispy way
and i had a what, lover, i'm not sure
he was impressive, for sure
and
i was thinking i was going to live in this apartment
kind of separated from the rest of the estate, practically
like a separate entrance, etc
and the workers were building this barrier
using metal plates
which said something about laundry
like panels from a washateria
and
i thought:
hey, that's kinda ugly
but then i just started thinking
how i could paint them, or whatever
but then
it turned out that i couldn't have the apartment
and it didn't look like happily ever after was coming
easily
or
any time soon
there was more
lots more
lots of little subtle things
that might have held the key
but i can't remember them
Saturday, October 20, 2012
so, catching you up
tuesday
i think it was tuesday
that would be the 16th
started happy happy blood time
and it really was
i think that last premenstrual thing was
maybe the worst i've had in a while
and maybe
it was sadder because of my step dad
i don't know
but tuesday
i was walking to the bus stop
and i had to stop in the esplanade
because the sunrise took my breath away
i was just lost in it
i've seen a lot of sunrises
but, i mean this one
the sky looked like an ocean and the clouds were
these pinky golden rippling waves
radiating outward from
the whatever-it's-called-now philip johnson tower
jutting upward ever upward
you could have stopped time
and that's when i thought:
god damn
it's like super duper anti depressant happy happy blood
but now it's all done
and
well, actually it was over yesterday morning
they're so much more manageable now
and
i bought that cleanser
the expensive one
which i can't really afford
and i love it
but
i've been a little mood-swing
not so you'd notice
but i'm telling myself
things that i don't want to hear
and then i'm blissing out on how much more
fulfilled i am for learning to love unconditionally
and then i'm making arguments for
whether i'm a real adult or not
so either i'm all self-actualized or i'm a fuck up
and i can make the case either way
i think it was tuesday
that would be the 16th
started happy happy blood time
and it really was
i think that last premenstrual thing was
maybe the worst i've had in a while
and maybe
it was sadder because of my step dad
i don't know
but tuesday
i was walking to the bus stop
and i had to stop in the esplanade
because the sunrise took my breath away
i was just lost in it
i've seen a lot of sunrises
but, i mean this one
the sky looked like an ocean and the clouds were
these pinky golden rippling waves
radiating outward from
the whatever-it's-called-now philip johnson tower
jutting upward ever upward
you could have stopped time
and that's when i thought:
god damn
it's like super duper anti depressant happy happy blood
but now it's all done
and
well, actually it was over yesterday morning
they're so much more manageable now
and
i bought that cleanser
the expensive one
which i can't really afford
and i love it
but
i've been a little mood-swing
not so you'd notice
but i'm telling myself
things that i don't want to hear
and then i'm blissing out on how much more
fulfilled i am for learning to love unconditionally
and then i'm making arguments for
whether i'm a real adult or not
so either i'm all self-actualized or i'm a fuck up
and i can make the case either way
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
've got some stuff i want to catch you up on
but
i have to run now
i will try to write later
it's not important
or time sensitive
it's just stuff
i love you
i have to run now
i will try to write later
it's not important
or time sensitive
it's just stuff
i love you
do not visit post of 8/28/11
apparently there is possible malware
on the site for the photo i included
i tried to revert it to a draft
but i just keep getting pop ups
and it won't let me
i doubt
any harm could come to your computer
from looking at this post
if you did not go through to the photo's homesite
but
better safe than sorry
on the site for the photo i included
i tried to revert it to a draft
but i just keep getting pop ups
and it won't let me
i doubt
any harm could come to your computer
from looking at this post
if you did not go through to the photo's homesite
but
better safe than sorry
Friday, October 12, 2012
so i looked up nutter butter on urban dictionary
and maybe i won't call you that again
which is a shame
because
it worked so nicely
and
sounded so cute
like
i'd never call you cookie
but
a type of cookie, why not
but not all cookies have cute names
and
of those, how many are appropriate for a man
not many i think
so
new challenge
i love you tim tam man
which is a shame
because
it worked so nicely
and
sounded so cute
like
i'd never call you cookie
but
a type of cookie, why not
but not all cookies have cute names
and
of those, how many are appropriate for a man
not many i think
so
new challenge
i love you tim tam man
Thursday, October 11, 2012
i love you
like melted butter
like freshly baked bread
and
i'm having very impure thoughts
because
i
can multi-task the worry and the heat
til the season
comes every month
i'm going to bed now
i'm going to try to see you in my dreams
if
i've made you unhappy or bored
with any of this
then
i'm sorry
but
i think
you're probably pretty tough
and i
am not very bad
and, anyway
i think you're used to me now
what i'm really jones'n for is
laying my head on your chest
your arm around me
breathing with you
feeling the flow of you energy
and
maybe other things
like freshly baked bread
and
i'm having very impure thoughts
because
i
can multi-task the worry and the heat
til the season
comes every month
i'm going to bed now
i'm going to try to see you in my dreams
if
i've made you unhappy or bored
with any of this
then
i'm sorry
but
i think
you're probably pretty tough
and i
am not very bad
and, anyway
i think you're used to me now
what i'm really jones'n for is
laying my head on your chest
your arm around me
breathing with you
feeling the flow of you energy
and
maybe other things
i've been thinking about it
probably
i'm a buzz kill
why can't i just be all fun
but
the thing that's worrying me now
is that you think, maybe
that i think
you can't handle your shit
and i never thought that
i think
you might not have the girl perspective
and, i think i'm probably right there
but why would you
i love you
i think you're great
i'm in no way trying to tell you anything different
nor
am i trying to tell you what you should do
what i'm doing
is, mostly, worrying
that i might fuck up somebody else's life
i'm not talking about debbie heather
and
my fantasies don't hurt other people
but
if they are realized they might
and i guess i'm just more sensitized to some than others
we don't have any plans
i don't know what's going to happen
i feel like what i should want for you
is that you not lose any one minute, ya know
and i feel selfish
that what i want is a family with you
and i know how all that worked out for me
i'm a buzz kill
why can't i just be all fun
but
the thing that's worrying me now
is that you think, maybe
that i think
you can't handle your shit
and i never thought that
i think
you might not have the girl perspective
and, i think i'm probably right there
but why would you
i love you
i think you're great
i'm in no way trying to tell you anything different
nor
am i trying to tell you what you should do
what i'm doing
is, mostly, worrying
that i might fuck up somebody else's life
i'm not talking about debbie heather
and
my fantasies don't hurt other people
but
if they are realized they might
and i guess i'm just more sensitized to some than others
we don't have any plans
i don't know what's going to happen
i feel like what i should want for you
is that you not lose any one minute, ya know
and i feel selfish
that what i want is a family with you
and i know how all that worked out for me
that, last night, was a lot of talking
i hope i didn't bend your ear
i love you very much sweetheart
i love you very much sweetheart
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
love you
i want things
and i wonder
what would it be like to live with you
what kind of a daily rhythm would we have
would i spend all the time i spend writing to you
doing something else
writing something else
would i spoil you
and then wear down and not want to do all those things anymore
and what about
the one
the one that makes me think
i should just stay away because
i would never want to hurt her
could he balance all that
because i'm prepared to be hated
any scenario
in which i get my dreams
automatically means i will be a bad guy
and i guess
it kinda still surprises me
that i want you that bad
and i guess
i worry
i'm expecting happy happy blood like right now actually
so i'm worried a little bit more
than normal
i don't worry that you love me, though
i feel that
all the way from there to here
and
it never went away this time
which makes me happy
but also
a little sad
inexplicably
and i wonder
what would it be like to live with you
what kind of a daily rhythm would we have
would i spend all the time i spend writing to you
doing something else
writing something else
would i spoil you
and then wear down and not want to do all those things anymore
and what about
the one
the one that makes me think
i should just stay away because
i would never want to hurt her
could he balance all that
because i'm prepared to be hated
any scenario
in which i get my dreams
automatically means i will be a bad guy
and i guess
it kinda still surprises me
that i want you that bad
and i guess
i worry
i'm expecting happy happy blood like right now actually
so i'm worried a little bit more
than normal
i don't worry that you love me, though
i feel that
all the way from there to here
and
it never went away this time
which makes me happy
but also
a little sad
inexplicably
deeper thoughts
and i wanted to make sure you understood me
i don't mean that i think i have nothing to contribute
to people or the world or whatever
i just don't think i have a speaking tour topic
i mean
yeah sure
i could find something to talk about
but a really good speaker has something that they've done
or that's happened to them
that has a universal or epic quality
otherwise
it's teaching
not lecture circuit
[that's just my opinion]
one of the things that drives me crazy about my mother
is that she's so means to an end oriented
when we went to the chinati foundation
she came away from that
and her take away was: how can i get a big grant
to display my beautiful artwork
it makes me cringe
she never does anything just for itself
maybe this doesn't make any sense to you
my problem
[well, one of them]
has always been that i want to do it for love
and all that money stuff
and the people who don't get it feeling like they
have some right to tell you
as though they could do it themselves
had any understanding
or asking me to explain what category of thing this is
like they'd even understand my explanation
like they need to know what they're looking at before they see it
can't they just experience it
that stuff always kinda ruined it for me
if i could just produce it
and not have to do the other part
or know about it even
probably i'd be fine
but
for her
she only does it to sell it
it's not about her, a part of her
i don't get her
she doesn't get me
i really don't want to take this class with her
i meant to call her tonight
because i think it's a thursday night thing
but i didn't
i was talking to my new friend at work
her mom went off and left her with her dad too
so we were swapping "walk it off" war stories
but she so has me beat
he dad tried to tell her she just needed a band aid
but the school nurse had seen it, made him take her to the doctor
she had to get 38 stiches
i was talking to 30-year-old-sushi-guy
and he was saying that i didn't seem all that broken up about my stepdad
and i was all like:
look, he was a good guy, i loved him
but we don't have any baggage
and he's like:
so he didn't raise you at all
and i'm like:
no, my mom didn't hook up with him until i was 13
and he's like:
and you were already raised by then
and i'm like:
yeah, pretty much
truthfully
i was kinda surprised that it was my mom he was interested in
and he just treated me like a child
because
that wasn't the experience i was used to
but i said something like that to him
and he looked all creeped out
and
he had a stepdaughter who is like 11 or just turned 12
and he introduces her as "my daughter"
when he first did that
really before they were even married
i expressed surprise:
she's ok with that
[not in front of her obviously]
but he just couldn't seem to understand
when i tried to explain to him:
she has a dad
i would have been super offended
she's all good? ya'll have talked about it
so this 12 year old was at the wedding
all make-upped and heeled
hair dyed dark
and looking like 16
and
i honestly don't think he gets it
cut marks on her wrist too
pointed out by another of my friends
who i sat next to
and i'm all like:
they don't look bad
what, you never cut yourself?
thoughts
so
the dressing
is underway
i researched the interwebs
and
it seems ones counters the too much vinegar
with some form of sweetner
my testing revealed maple syrup to be the clear winner
so i've got, so far
5t toasted sesame oil
5T real maple syrup
2 cloves garlic smushed but not chopped
4 dried mushroom pieces
[porcini, but grown further north in birch forests
and so called something else]
about 6oz aged balsamic vinegar
i'm gonna let that steep
i will stain out the pieces of mushroom and garlic
and mix with wine or water or both
not sure yet
i love you
and eggs
they are adorable, small ones
like robin's eggs and such
and they seem very symbolic
although sometimes i'm not sure
i think they can have more than just the obvious meaning
i keep getting this card in readings:
http://www.gaiantarot.com/fourofair/
sometimes
there can be a lot on my mind
the dressing
is underway
i researched the interwebs
and
it seems ones counters the too much vinegar
with some form of sweetner
my testing revealed maple syrup to be the clear winner
so i've got, so far
5t toasted sesame oil
5T real maple syrup
2 cloves garlic smushed but not chopped
4 dried mushroom pieces
[porcini, but grown further north in birch forests
and so called something else]
about 6oz aged balsamic vinegar
i'm gonna let that steep
i will stain out the pieces of mushroom and garlic
and mix with wine or water or both
not sure yet
i love you
and eggs
they are adorable, small ones
like robin's eggs and such
and they seem very symbolic
although sometimes i'm not sure
i think they can have more than just the obvious meaning
i keep getting this card in readings:
http://www.gaiantarot.com/fourofair/
sometimes
there can be a lot on my mind
this is only chat, right now
i made hummus again
i got lazy and made it a little simpler
i think it's better
i'm really close to what i want
the pesto
excellent on pasta
it was too strong to eat with a spoon
but really good when using a little bit
i guess that makes sense
i'm currently trying to figure out
an oil free [or nearly oil free] balsamic vinaigrette
i love you
i got lazy and made it a little simpler
i think it's better
i'm really close to what i want
the pesto
excellent on pasta
it was too strong to eat with a spoon
but really good when using a little bit
i guess that makes sense
i'm currently trying to figure out
an oil free [or nearly oil free] balsamic vinaigrette
i love you
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Sunday, October 7, 2012
good night sweetheart, but first, blather blather on
i had breakfast with my mom
and she wants me to take a class with her
i had planned on having to do something like that
and was trying to figure out something "good for her"
but she
preemptively
wants to do some sort of
speaking tour prep thing
which i always thought i'd be good at
if i only had something relevant to offer
neither does she, though
but she thinks she can lecture on creativity, i think
and
although i've never thought she was very creative
i think
i might have high criteria in that regard
i read something
about your scientific method
and
i gotta say
pretty smooth stuff
but you have totally ruined me for the normals
also
i watched a documentary on buddhism (sort of, more like on temples, but whatev)
and
i'm wondering how you feel about vajra as a middle name
ari'el vajra
i'm not married to it, but i like what it means
and i think the hebrew is like barak or barakim or something
plus
i like that vajra has ties to both tantra and tibetan buddhism
plus
lightning bolt and diamond
but
maybe a mixed metaphor
and not a baseball reference
and i had thought, maybe, yehuda
i mean
i know it's not something i need to be worried about
i just don't believe in this four name thing that's so popular
and
names are power
but
vajra kinda violates my other rule
about not saddling them with sunset or whatnot
or they end up bad
and
it oughta be like ari el rey or something cool
hey, el rayo
although, maybe that's more of a nickname
ari / el rey / el fuego / el espada / el zarza
i don't know why the spanish is cool
but the sanskrit is not
maybe it's not manly enough sounding to my western ears
maybe that's a daughter middle name, but i had the k name all set for that eventuality
cause then the nickname was dax
which is nerdy isn't it
but it sounds good, and by then no one will know
i miss you
and she wants me to take a class with her
i had planned on having to do something like that
and was trying to figure out something "good for her"
but she
preemptively
wants to do some sort of
speaking tour prep thing
which i always thought i'd be good at
if i only had something relevant to offer
neither does she, though
but she thinks she can lecture on creativity, i think
and
although i've never thought she was very creative
i think
i might have high criteria in that regard
i read something
about your scientific method
and
i gotta say
pretty smooth stuff
but you have totally ruined me for the normals
also
i watched a documentary on buddhism (sort of, more like on temples, but whatev)
and
i'm wondering how you feel about vajra as a middle name
ari'el vajra
i'm not married to it, but i like what it means
and i think the hebrew is like barak or barakim or something
plus
i like that vajra has ties to both tantra and tibetan buddhism
plus
lightning bolt and diamond
but
maybe a mixed metaphor
and not a baseball reference
and i had thought, maybe, yehuda
i mean
i know it's not something i need to be worried about
i just don't believe in this four name thing that's so popular
and
names are power
but
vajra kinda violates my other rule
about not saddling them with sunset or whatnot
or they end up bad
and
it oughta be like ari el rey or something cool
hey, el rayo
although, maybe that's more of a nickname
ari / el rey / el fuego / el espada / el zarza
i don't know why the spanish is cool
but the sanskrit is not
maybe it's not manly enough sounding to my western ears
maybe that's a daughter middle name, but i had the k name all set for that eventuality
cause then the nickname was dax
which is nerdy isn't it
but it sounds good, and by then no one will know
i miss you
Saturday, October 6, 2012
this is sort of a test
i think i just felt you read this
or
maybe you just thought about me really hard
but
whatever
i changed this
from what it was earlier
so
if you read it
then
you know i know
and
if you didn't read it but you just thought about me
then
you know i felt that
either way
i love you very much
or
maybe you just thought about me really hard
but
whatever
i changed this
from what it was earlier
so
if you read it
then
you know i know
and
if you didn't read it but you just thought about me
then
you know i felt that
either way
i love you very much
Friday, October 5, 2012
i love you
have a great day
i'm thinking of you
and
i hope i didn't break the mood
by calling you my adorable little pain in the ass
i've said it before
but
whatever
if it was a buzz kill, i'm sorry
probably not
but
it's bothering me
so
there you go
i want you to have nothing but happy thoughts right now
plenty of time for blahness later
and it makes me feel a little better to think
that you're being happy for me
since now is not a super happy time for me
xoxoxo
i'm thinking of you
and
i hope i didn't break the mood
by calling you my adorable little pain in the ass
i've said it before
but
whatever
if it was a buzz kill, i'm sorry
probably not
but
it's bothering me
so
there you go
i want you to have nothing but happy thoughts right now
plenty of time for blahness later
and it makes me feel a little better to think
that you're being happy for me
since now is not a super happy time for me
xoxoxo
Thursday, October 4, 2012
maybe i overshare
if so
i'm sorry
it occurs to me
maybe i do
i love you like a house on fire
and
i've got nothing to say
right now
xoxoxo
i'm sorry
it occurs to me
maybe i do
i love you like a house on fire
and
i've got nothing to say
right now
xoxoxo
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
good night sweetness
i hope your day was awesome and beautiful
and filled with all the joys of nature
i had somebody telling me
that i seem saner
calmer
and
less likely to take things personally
than i was just a few years ago
and
i think that's directly relatable to you
i've had to deal with a lot of emotions
i've had to not take an awful lot of stuff personally
and etc, in order to love you
and
since not loving you didn't seem to be an option
i guess i grew into a calmer more together person
to deal with you
my adorable little pain in the ass
also
i think
i am becoming the person i want to be for you
if that makes any sense
it's like
because i truly believe that you love me
i'm more solid
need less from anyone or anything else
does that make sense to you
i'm not sure it makes any sense
but
i'm better with you
i can tell you've changed
but
i wouldn't presume
i think there are a lot of factors there
but to me
you seem more confident
i won't say younger, exactly, but more vital
more like you're riding a wave
and it might just be that things are going better for you
but
i like to think
it makes me happy to believe
that i make you feel better about yourself
give you at least a little of that confidence
even if it's from a distance
i love you מותק
and filled with all the joys of nature
i had somebody telling me
that i seem saner
calmer
and
less likely to take things personally
than i was just a few years ago
and
i think that's directly relatable to you
i've had to deal with a lot of emotions
i've had to not take an awful lot of stuff personally
and etc, in order to love you
and
since not loving you didn't seem to be an option
i guess i grew into a calmer more together person
to deal with you
my adorable little pain in the ass
also
i think
i am becoming the person i want to be for you
if that makes any sense
it's like
because i truly believe that you love me
i'm more solid
need less from anyone or anything else
does that make sense to you
i'm not sure it makes any sense
but
i'm better with you
i can tell you've changed
but
i wouldn't presume
i think there are a lot of factors there
but to me
you seem more confident
i won't say younger, exactly, but more vital
more like you're riding a wave
and it might just be that things are going better for you
but
i like to think
it makes me happy to believe
that i make you feel better about yourself
give you at least a little of that confidence
even if it's from a distance
i love you מותק
i slept in a little
i dreamed
that i had my right nipple pierced
let me clarify
that i have never had any desire whatsoever
to have either nipple pierced
and, really
in the dream
it was not my plan
it just sort of happened
i was in some sort of alternative-palooza
and this guy [?] sticks a needle through me
it didn't hurt
and it was a tiny needle
so then i had a tiny wire through me
and
it was kinda cute, somehow
so i was trying to figure out how to make it work
weird, huh
i'm gonna call my mom in a few minutes
she said she doesn't think she's gonna need me today
but
i'm not sure she's gonna want to be alone
i'm probably going to have to bite the bullet
and have more involvement with her for a while
or else she might go into some sort of negative fugue state
it's probably good that i went on that trip with her
i got somewhat recalibrated to her
and i was able to be what she needed yesterday
it's really unfair
that he went through all that
and then died anyway
but
on my list of ways to die
sitting at the breakfast table, at home, over coffee
not such a bad death
only 64 though, rough
she is gonna have some major readjustment
but it looks like she's gonna be ok
he took a lower retirement payment
so that if he died she'd get like 60% of it
and then there's social security
and the house is paid for
they look ok
we're getting him cremated
which was her idea
but i'm pretty sure that's what he'd want, for various reasons
but
then when we were actually doing it
she kinda freaked out a little
and said something about it being like auschwitz
which took me off guard a little
i have a similar aversion
but it still seems preferable to burial
on a lot of levels
i assured her that it wasn't anything at all like auschwitz
and she asked emily [our person at the mortuary]
or started to
and i could see in her mind
this image of a mass mound of ashes
and she'd just get a scoop of them
and emily said:
you will get all his ashes and only his ashes
so maybe it is a common point of trauma
i love you
please live forever
you can manage that, right
you enjoy yourself as much as you can
because fun adventures are much better, trust me
than sad adventures
that i had my right nipple pierced
let me clarify
that i have never had any desire whatsoever
to have either nipple pierced
and, really
in the dream
it was not my plan
it just sort of happened
i was in some sort of alternative-palooza
and this guy [?] sticks a needle through me
it didn't hurt
and it was a tiny needle
so then i had a tiny wire through me
and
it was kinda cute, somehow
so i was trying to figure out how to make it work
weird, huh
i'm gonna call my mom in a few minutes
she said she doesn't think she's gonna need me today
but
i'm not sure she's gonna want to be alone
i'm probably going to have to bite the bullet
and have more involvement with her for a while
or else she might go into some sort of negative fugue state
it's probably good that i went on that trip with her
i got somewhat recalibrated to her
and i was able to be what she needed yesterday
it's really unfair
that he went through all that
and then died anyway
but
on my list of ways to die
sitting at the breakfast table, at home, over coffee
not such a bad death
only 64 though, rough
she is gonna have some major readjustment
but it looks like she's gonna be ok
he took a lower retirement payment
so that if he died she'd get like 60% of it
and then there's social security
and the house is paid for
they look ok
we're getting him cremated
which was her idea
but i'm pretty sure that's what he'd want, for various reasons
but
then when we were actually doing it
she kinda freaked out a little
and said something about it being like auschwitz
which took me off guard a little
i have a similar aversion
but it still seems preferable to burial
on a lot of levels
i assured her that it wasn't anything at all like auschwitz
and she asked emily [our person at the mortuary]
or started to
and i could see in her mind
this image of a mass mound of ashes
and she'd just get a scoop of them
and emily said:
you will get all his ashes and only his ashes
so maybe it is a common point of trauma
i love you
please live forever
you can manage that, right
you enjoy yourself as much as you can
because fun adventures are much better, trust me
than sad adventures
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
well. i'm seriously considering throwing the lightning card away
i've been getting lightning
again and again
sometimes
when i ask a specific question
it won't show up
but it's just a few down
and
i gotta be honest
i thought it was probably to do with us, somehow
so
i asked question after question
and it would all be rosy, except
except for the lightning
but
this morning
my stepfather
who had been mending nicely
through the woods for sure by now
just slumped over drinking coffee
and when my mother found him he was dead
he's dead
so i helped my mom with the funeral home and stuff
but
she's pretty tore up
maybe i shouldn't have told you
maybe it will make you
less happy
but
it shouldn't
it's ok
i love you
again and again
sometimes
when i ask a specific question
it won't show up
but it's just a few down
and
i gotta be honest
i thought it was probably to do with us, somehow
so
i asked question after question
and it would all be rosy, except
except for the lightning
but
this morning
my stepfather
who had been mending nicely
through the woods for sure by now
just slumped over drinking coffee
and when my mother found him he was dead
he's dead
so i helped my mom with the funeral home and stuff
but
she's pretty tore up
maybe i shouldn't have told you
maybe it will make you
less happy
but
it shouldn't
it's ok
i love you
Monday, October 1, 2012
good morning baby
i hope everything is good
running smoothly
just the way
you like it
i'm thinking about you
i love you very much
and
i'm really proud of you
maybe it's silly for me to tell you that
maybe you're not doing anything
especially proudifying
or
maybe you are
i'm not sure how you feel about it
so
i'm airing on the side of telling you
you are special
you're like
my magic man
running smoothly
just the way
you like it
i'm thinking about you
i love you very much
and
i'm really proud of you
maybe it's silly for me to tell you that
maybe you're not doing anything
especially proudifying
or
maybe you are
i'm not sure how you feel about it
so
i'm airing on the side of telling you
you are special
you're like
my magic man
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