i love you pumpkin

i've been feeling you this evening
well, off and on really all day
that's about as good a massage as you could get
without actually touching, that is

i was thinking the other day
about how totally screwed i'm gonna be
if i'm crazy
and really i'm having seizures or something
but
i consider the consideration to be
at least partial proof
that i'm not crazy

and
although it was a very physically demanding week
i really think my problem is dehydration
or rather
not enough hydration

tonight
tonight i have a headache
and, really, i don't expect you to have much energy
but
i'm going to be rubbing you down
with oil
and
whatever happens
happens

i went to see this movie celeste and jesse forever
which was kind of funny but also kind of sad
but they did this thing with a tube of lip goo that was
adorable

good morning sunshine

i had very strange dreams
and
not really pleasant ones

i hope your night was better

i moved from table to table
with a big group of other people
building garnish for plates
for a banquet i was going to have to attend
at the end of the week

but then there was other stuff too

something about
children's books
some lady was looking for them
and the woman i was standing next to
said:
they're putting her at our table
like that should have upset me
but mostly
what i thought was:
who are you again

the children's books
because i did find those for her
were in big stacks
it was a history series
done in cartoon/comics style:
black and white line drawing
kinda reminded me of lynda barry

then i ended up
at a rehearsal banquet
with a girl and her daughter
whoever this girl was, she was super close to me
and her daughter was my niece, basically

the daughter was saying i had promised her [something
i can't remember what]
and i was saying:
and look now here we are
but she felt like we were here because her mother was
in some sort of beauty contest
but
i was still claiming to have been part of everything
i really felt like i had pulled the whole thing into existence
through sheer force of will

finally, in exasperation
i turned to my beauty queen friend and said:
all this pre-game stuff is bullshit
can we please just go to santa monica

i don't know what that means
any of it


i love you brick

my body hurts

i love you
and
i mean
it's not like i don't want to
but
more than sex
i would kill for a full body massage


be safe
i love you very much

good night, love

good morning vaqero queso fresco

i have to go to bed

i love you
juice

i love you sweetheart

i hope everything is beautiful

i got some indications
that there may be
something
not quite
great
going on with you, but
no indication
that you
were
bad

so
i hope
everything
brightens up for you

wander, but don't get lost

i love you angel

goodnight
beloved

good morning angel-y-toes

goodnight beloved

i love you sweetness gravy

this card has been coming up
in readings about you

http://www.gaiantarot.com/aceoffire/

i'm not sure
what to think this means

can you get high on garlic?

i think
maybe
a little too much garlic in the salad dressing
it was really good, but
mostly what i could taste was garlic
and then
it was like
i could feel the energy of it

i've felt you today too

and
beautiful ovulation stuff

but
when i got done working
and
it went pretty well
i had help
she supported me that way at least
but when i got done
my skin seemed kinda slimy
like i was sweating out yuck
and
i've really wanted a facial
[which i haven't had in probably at least 10 years]
so i went to ulta and bought some stuff

i wanted this exfoliating cleanser that was like $45
DDF, i think it is
but that's ridiculous for a cleanser
http://www.ulta.com/ulta/browse/productDetail.jsp?productId=xlsImpprod1400118

especially since i wanted a good mask
so i ended up with:
http://www.mariobadescu.com/Enzyme-Cleansing-Gel
http://www.eclosbeauty.com/facial-scrub/
http://www.purminerals.com/Mineral-Mudd-Mask-With-Pascalite

and that worked pretty well
followed by one of my favorites
http://usa.loccitane.com/very-precious-regenerating-concentrate,82,1,29206,262897.htm

i don't use it all the time
but i keep coming back to it
because oils seem to do better for me than cream

the blackheads, they were bothering me
and my skin was looking a little fine-line-y
if i do this every few days for a while
i think i'll look resurfaced
my exfoliator was not working for  me
[and it's not like i always remember to wash my face
much less moisturize]

probably this isn't interesting to you

but
i feel better
and, maybe you like product
your skin looks pretty good to me

well, i'm up drinking coffee & eating oatmeal

but
i overslept a little
so
i'm a little rushed

why oh why
was it not important enough
for my boss to remember
that
every stick of fixture
had to move today

i mean
she isn't making me come in early
i had to do that to myself
because
going in at 8a
there would be no way to accomplish this

i would take it personally
but
that's just how she is
you can't take it personally
unless you just want an excuse to be offended

but this right here, what i'm doing
changing my schedule at the last minute
for the needs of the store
she would not do it herself

this would be great for me
if i liked to feel superior
but
i just feel like i have character flaws
which make it impossible for me to do less than my best
no matter how little sense that makes

i love you

i have to go to bed now

because
as it turns out
i have a reset
that no one told me about
so
i'll talk to you
when i get up
about 1:00a

i love you very much

food adventures

i typically make lunches
on days i'm off
i've been happily eating something i call, in my head
ambrosia salad
because it tastes like i think that hideous
gloopy stuff should taste
i make it with shredded wheat
grapefruit, shredded coconut, and
in this latest incarnation
dried cranberry pomegranet blend

i figure this is something that only i would like
but a girl at work asked to try it
and she said it was delicious
which
made me happy
a little
i haven't really had other people eating my food
and
when i'm writing it to you
a lot of it sounds weird to me


but today
today i made sushi rolls
i made the first one
and it looked good
but it tasted like, pretty much nothing
i used brown rice, cucumber, radish, avocado, and smoked salmon
[so i wouldn't have to worry about sushi grade]

so
i decided that sushi must have sauce of some kind that i can't see
so i made one
toasted sesame seed oil, wasabi powder
rice vinegar, mayonaise, salsa verde, "that green sauce"
chipotle salt, black truffle salt, smoked paprika
"slap ya momma white pepper blend"
garlic powder, ginger, and
a little worchester sauce
because i had no fish sauce
[which is what i really thought it needed]
because worchester has some anchovy or something

not too bad
they look nice
they taste, alright, i think
i guess i'll let you know tomorrow

i'm also going back to salads for dinner
[so i'm not carbing up before bed]
but
i've been bad for a while now
about using store bought dressing
which is full of crap

so
i made myself make dressings
well, one isn't finished yet
it is my best recollection of a diet dressing
i got from harpers bazarre or mirabella like twenty years ago
it has no oil at all
but it needs to steep a while
it's fresh garlic and fresh ginger chopped really small
[i just got a ninja master prep
to replace my blender
long, bizarre story]
with lemon juice
apple cider vinegar
and
i put some fresh rosemary in there too
i may put some salt too
after it's steeped for a while
i may mix it with apple juice
[which is what i think i remember]

the one i'm gonna use first
is the garlic ginger mix
with some toasted sesame oil
brown rice vinegar, with a little cider and ume too
a little truffle salt and soy sauce
and a half package of dried oyster mushrooms
all reduced to a coarse paste
spooned into a used dressing bottle
and then filled with water
so it's only 2-3 Tbs oil for the whole bottle

it's really not bad
it still maybe has a little more vinegar
could be a little smoother, less tart
i may still tweak it

but they're not all full of canola oil and preservatives, etc.

so, better

i might have to make a ceasar
i love ceasar
but the store bought is vile, even paul newman brand

i love you honey

good morning australia

i got my first aussie visit
my map is pretty green now

united states and russia are the most frequent visitors
but
i think i have regular readers in
england, germany, and india

i've had nibbles from the pacific rim
but i've never been sure
they weren't just passing through

but
i'm stoked about australia

welcome
make yourself at home

i fell asleep on the sofa

and
i was having these amazingly vivid dreams
about
driving to mexico
and this sunset
and snow
and

visiting this man
a painting mentor from the past
[in the dream]
listening to a tape
experimental
sound speeding up and back
down and forward
cleaning a mirror over his sink

hearing a recording of a bunch of people
who knew him from a variety of different places
many of whom i knew and loved
we're all meeting here
on christmas
if you don't celebrate
spend the whole day
if you do
just drop in
it'll be a thing, you know

and suddenly
i had memories
of years of these get-togethers

and the painter looked at the tape of music
which i thought was genius
and he said:
oh no
don't listen to that


i don't know what this means
but it was
intense


i love you

oh yeah

and
i love you sweetness


what is he thinking about:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=396094&Date=9%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single


what does he want me to know:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=736345&Date=9%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

i really like this new girl at work

she's funny
and off-beat
and
a really bad influence
like
between us
we are an h.r. call waiting to happen

if maybe like religo girl happens through

like
the other day she says she wants to go see madame butterfly
which as it turns out is a new ballet rather than the opera i thought
and i'm all like:
i will totally go to any ballet anywhere anytime
[cause i got no one interested in going]
and she's all like:
yeah the girl is laying in the bed
and the guy's all [and she kinda mimes him jumping her]
and i said, hey that's my kinda ballet

and
before i even think
i'm saying:
now, you know they are not gonna have live insertion at the ballet
and she cracks up
but not like the totally new
maybe 22 year old
and completely unvetted new guy in the break room

see, bad influence

today
i am totally exhausted
with mountains of crap to move
cause i'm doing this change-over
and shit was delayed, and whatever

she comes up and says:
is there any way i can help you
and i'm all like: yes, i could really use some help

so she wanders off
and
a few minutes later she says:
are you sure there's nothing i can help you with

bitch, i said yes
i know that's not the kind of thing that's believable
coming from me
but
yes, please help me

so we move a bunch of boxes
and
i'm making my
i'm-lifting-the-boxes-noise
and she's like:
watch out, or you'll get muscles

oh, you haven't seen my arms
[so i show her]

that's just like a dude
ooo and look at you're veins
i bet the doctors love you

yeah
it's cause i'm transparent pale
when i was a kid you could play trace the vein

she just has comebacks to everything
and
she's teasing me
but
not in an annoying way
which is rare-ish

i love you

i have this weird feeling
that i did something bad
like
i upset you or something
now
i can't think
what i could have done
but
just in case

i love you
and i didn't mean to do anything

probably
i'm just paranoid
because i'm feeling a little stressed
because of work
and
i'm going in really early
and
i have that
i-got-up-too-early-and-i-feel-slightly-nauseated feeling

and
yesterday
wasn't stellar

anyway
take care of yourself

i love you very much

this morning, i got a round of applause

i had to go to a meeting
and
i didn't wear
what i'd normally wear
mostly
because i haven't done the laundry yet
but
maybe, partly
because i wanted to wear my new orange shirt

i wore a khaki shirt
which is a knit
[i like knits]
i've had it for 18 or 19 years
but i never wear it
because it is khaki and only comes mid calf
but
i keep it
because sometimes you need something khaki

so
khaki waffle knit skirt
orange shirt
[sheer orange with built in cami]
and brown sparkle tone up thongs
that
that's what got me
a round of applause

when i went to bed

it was like
we weren't synced up
and i tried to meditate to get things together
but
i passed out
before it really got going

i exhausted myself
dreaming

i kept hitting snooze
and
i was driving
wandering through
narrow winding streets
in mexico

i felt like
the whole night
had been some deep
psychic journey

but
not necessarily
a sexual one


[happy happy blood time
must have started about 2pm
so i was off
about a day and a half]


i hope
everything is ok
this is one of those weird days
but
everything should be good for you personally


i love you my darling sock monkey

running late, can't talk

later

i just watched black swan

i didn't see it when it came out
honestly
because i thought it would depress me

it was awesome

just a few minutes ago, driving in the car

i felt you
rubbing your fingers across my lips
across my jaw
down my throat

i love that

so, here's what happened

i had taken 1/2 a melatonin
because i had slept late
and that tends to mean
that i won't be able to sleep
and
i'm still not feeling right
so i needed to sleep

so
i got into bed
and it was exactly like i could feel you
getting in next to me
and
sort of snuggling against me

but then
we were in front of the fireplace
and i took some extra time
to imagine something comfortable for you to lay on
and then
i sorta
mounted up
wrapped my feet under your thighs
and started to rhythmically squeeze

and this line of fire
spread around all the walls
like a gas jet
and the world was on fire

i started moving

you were rubbing your hands
over my breasts

then
i guess the melatonin hit
and i passed out

i love you

i'm going to bed now

i'm imagining you with me

but i'm not scripting it

we'll just see what happens

good night, dear one

well, yesterday, i felt sort of sick

i had chills
and nausea
not very sexy
which is why i didn't write

i don't know what's up with me

but not the wild horniness i sorta expected
but
i haven't started yet
so
who can say

i had weird dreams
maybe i was homeless
i know i was walking around with a shopping cart
and something
something about these shoes
like tennis shoes
but a tribal woven fabric

i hope
that homelessness thing
is not some sort of bad indicator

and
i hope you're ok
and not trying to send me some frantic message
that i didn't get
it was a sort of fever dream
even though
i'm pretty sure
i didn't
don't
have fever

i love you papi

but if we ever live together

let's have a fireplace

if i could sit around the fireplace
talking and drinking wine
i think
that
would feel like heaven

yeah, so, just for clarifcation

my drunk negotiations
not totally
conveying my meaning

what that really meant is
hey
there's not way, right now, that i have
the fine motor control or motivation
to properly see to your needs myself
but
i'm open to a variety of sexual option
which i will now list

i feel like i made it sound like
the only time you get to drive is if i'm
too fucked up
and that was not what i meant to say

so, the mad housewife

it's supposed to be a sweet wine besitos
but it's unbalanced to my taste
sweet-ish
but with an edge
it was a get-er-done type wine
not terrible

and then i opened tabali reserva syrah
that i bought like a year ago
and
not impressed
but i added some of my good belly probiotic
blueberry acai juice
and
boom
sangria-ish
not bad

and
holy crap
veggie patch makes a kick ass falafel
i used a tortilla [jalapeno cheese]
like they did at the food shark in marfa
with a slaw
made with cabbage
toasted sesame oil
umbosi and rice vinegar
eden shakes
and a little tahini
with diced grape tomatoes
and avocado
and it was great

i'm kinda drunk
and you can totally be on top tonight, if you want
if i have another couple glasses
you could maybe even do that thing guys always wanna do
that i'm usually a little too tense for

or we could just spoon and fall asleep
i'm not fussed

i'm having a crappy day

and you are the only thing that is making it better

i've felt you several times

and
this morning
i asked god
to show me a window into the future
will it always be like this
or
will we ever be together
and
whichever way
will it be good

what will it be like

but
god hasn't answered me
or else
i haven't understood

it's not that we've been distant
but
he's been quiet
and
puppyfish has been quiet

my cat's having problems
work has kinda sucked

i feel bad
not like sick
just bad

it needs to all get better
i need to adjust my attitude

maybe i'll have some wine
i have some funny wine
called mad housewife
i don't really expect it to be good
but
i didn't pay for it
seems a shame to waste good wine on a bad attitude

i hope your day is going better
i love you honey

i love you

thoughts

i wish
i had an awesome body
for you
that i could dance
a wild flamenco
that i could incite you

and maybe
maybe someday
maybe someday all of that will come to pass

i can picture it, you know

i had
at one point
one of those tortoise shell combs
that the spanish dancers always had in pictures
and
i would paint a beauty mark on my cheek
paint my lips red

i always wanted a beauty mark
and i have one now
but it isn't what i wanted
it might be
i think it is, in fact
almost exactly where i painted it, initially, eleven years old
but
when i was older
i realized, optimally it would be in the curve of my lip
about a half inch down, a quarter inch over from where it is
and, of course
flat and dark
rather than slightly raised and the same color as the rest of my skin
the one i painted on
was really a dot of eyeliner pencil

i am beautiful
i've always been beautiful
even when i was hiding it really well
i'm just not as beautiful bodily
as i'm supposed to be

and
to be honest
i've never really wanted to be
i feel uncomfortable with that female power thing
the idea of bringing you to your knees
demanding things of you
taking
doesn't feel good to me
and maybe you want that
maybe
maybe if i had done that

i think maybe guys like that
maybe that's why you're crazy for her

i always thought
if i could just bring myself to be a dominatrix
i could make a fortune
and there was a time when i thought i hated men, it should be easy
but
i still couldn't
couldn't begin

but maybe, someday
we can role play
and rather than being the things i feel comfortable being
i'll be the thing that's threatening
the thing
the thing men have always wanted me to be
and i'll be that thing for you

i mean
i don't mean to mislead you
i am, since about twenty one, sexually dominant
just not with that kind of energy
and by that i don't mean whips and chains
i mean that other thing
i don't have a name for it

you know what i am, right
and
what i am
has an animal danger all it's own
and you want that, you want me
but you're scared of me too
and i think you're scared of me in several different ways

so, i don't know

can you handle me

because
right now
i thinking we're in tombstone
or deadwood
in a saloon
and you're picking a girl to go upstairs with
any type of girl
and i embody that

what do you pick

this is not your life partner you're picking, understand
you're picking tonight's girl

i 100% believe in my ability to do this

i must have been eleven

because i didn't start that school
until the fall
of when i was ten
and
that book came out
in the fall, as well

i hope you are happy and healthy
and
enjoying your little blessings

i'm thinking about unimportant things that happened years ago

and
maybe that's not interesting
but
i'm running with it

i was thinking about something
someone may have said to me, or
more probably
it wasn't really directed at me at all
it was just a passing comment
that i somehow latched onto

and it's resurfaced now
causing a kaleidoscope of memory
and
questions
and
if i were a really good writer
i'd get a story out of it
but
i don't know

this passing comment
was something to do with being in a parade

and i thought:
why is she telling me that
hasn't everyone been in a parade
like, a bunch of times, what's the big deal

but
if i force myself to think about it
probably not
probably most people don't

so my memory
is about the first time i was in a parade
and the skirt i wore
and how that skirt made me happy


the first parade i was ever in
was the st patrick's day parade in my hometown
which is a pretty huge parade, actually
i was going to this small weird school
and somehow we were in it

so what i remember most was jumping in and out of the back of a pickup
and the skirt which i think i wore with a mexican peasant blouse
there was nothing particularly irish about my get up
nobody seemed to care

i think the only parade we ever went to see was
one time
the rodeo parade
that would be a good parade to be in

but every year when the trail riders trotted by outside my workplace
i always felt like it was the best parade ever
and it always kinda took me by surprise
and
for me
that's the best parade

this skirt was blue
very blue, dark blue
not navy, not ultramarine, maybe midnight blue
it had tiers of flounce
it wrapped around, so it had a little give as far as stride and whatnot
and it was floor length
kinda gypsy-ish

i was ten, i think
and i think i had just read a romance novel the gypsy from cadiz
[wow i found a review, cool]  https://www.kirkusreviews.com/book-reviews/tamsin-hamilton/the-gypsy-from-cadiz/#review
and i had always kinda had a thing for gypsies
in a limited child-like way
but
i knew this was the st patrick's day parade
so i was trying to channel some sort of
irish potato peasant energy into the twirling and flapping of the skirt
i thought maybe i was a little irish

this is going to be kinda all over the place

what did that dream mean, it's kinda unsettling me

my mom
when we were travelling
admitted something she never did before

her story had always been
she weighed 103 pounds, and
she knew she was pregnant with me
because she gained three pounds
but that i gave her a stomach that never went away
she looked pregnant unless she was super underweight
and, although she was pretty thin usually she wasn't underweight
and by the time i was maybe 12 she was up to a size 10 maybe
probably not on top
and people still argue with me
[well not anymore really, but they did up to ten years ago]
the last time i saw your mother she was pregnant
no she wasn't
yes she was
not unless you haven't seen her since she was pregnant with me
yes she was
whatever

anyway
the imaginary child is named jennifer
and sometimes she's a better daughter than me
but
what my mom admitted
was that i didn't cause the stomach
she always had it
even at under 100 pounds
because, she says, she is so short-waisted that her guts don't have anywhere else to go but out

so maybe that's where part of it came from
but the non-breathing babies has got to stop
it's upsetting


i have this rug
[this is completely unrelated to the dream]
i bought it at a resale shop years and years ago, like seven maybe
and i have never had it on the floor
ok
i've had it on the floor
but it's always too bright or whatever
it's kind of a watermelon color
but classic floral medallion very traditional
and
i don't even want to over dye it
i just want it to look like it's been fading for 200 years
sort of bleached out neutral
this thing is a tank of a rug
i had it in the trunk of my car for at least two years
and it is completely unscathed
i don't know why
it's bothering me right now
i'd really like to use it
all neutral and barely pink
you can't bleach a wool rug
and i don't have a yard i can lay it out in


was that really peanut butter
or was it a different little nut


i still wonder
if when i feel you
it's something specific that you're thinking
or if you're just thinking about me is enough to do it
like also
does the different ways i think of you feel different to you
i know you don't know what i'm thinking
but
does my thinking about massaging your balls
feel different to you
than
when i'm thinking intensely about
how i don't see how we ever get together
how does it happen
how can it happen, really
and how i wish i could read you're mind
and all the other semi-desperate thoughts i sometimes have

does that feel different than when i'm mentally sexing you
or
is it the intensity alone that you feel

because i do believe that you feel it
at least sometimes


i want you
really a lot, you know
and it'll be premenstrual time again soon
i'm expecting happy happy blood time on or about the 9th
so it may get weird
or horny
or both

i was buying cigarettes in stuttgart

i don't think i've been to stuttgart
but it was all run down
and the pretty little
look we are a simple country town
with medieval architecture
all rebuilt after WWII like nothing ever happened
was grafittied up
and i looked at this
and i cried

i don't know why

but it seemed important
anyway


i was buying cigarettes in stuttgart
and they were super expensive
but when i got them
they were some sort of weird bindi cigarettes
so i was all like:
hey, i'm sorry, but can i switch these out for gauloise
and they're like:
sure, but that's gonna be thirty more dollars
which i didn't have in cash
so i paid twenty
and charged ten
and then it turned out that that included breakfast
which was cool
this beautiful woman cooked for me
but i really needed to go
because i had left the baby in the car
well, it wasn't a car
it was a climate controlled media room
and there was a bunch of food for me to take back to the baby
yogurt and fruit puree and stuff

and i had to go
and i was telling the girl i'd come back to her
or we'd meet again
or something
because i apparently knew her, somehow

but
when i got back to the baby
who wasn't maybe actually mine
i think i stole it from my mom
and i'm not sure now
was it a girl or a boy
anyway
when i got back
it wasn't breathing
it was a memory foam pillow
and it's temperature had dropped
and i had to push it and massage it
and warm it up before the baby started to be a baby again
and subsequently, to breathe

then i handed the guy
who may also have been me
the baby
and asked him to feed it while i got us the hell out of there

applehead

i dreamed
that i was traveling along with some friends
and i was having some issues
the girl
[and maybe i should mention here
that i don't know any of these people in real life]
says that i need to be on medication

then i see
a couple walking along together
with children [3?] on their shoulders
and all of the children have apples for heads
i gasp
i describe what i see
she says:
see, medication
but i try to explain:
i just would like to know what's actually real
but medication will stop me from being myself
i don't want to change
i just would like to know when i'm seeing something that no one else sees


and
i've been a little depressed
i went to dinner with my friend
whose wedding is coming up quickly
and she's having the usual types of issues
but
she's saying alarming things

she's saying that she doesn't think his music is going to work out
she's saying that he never actually filed some paperwork to complete his degree
almost two years ago
and that if he would just do that
he could get a better job
she's not telling him to quit his music
she's telling him
that he needs to do it for long enough to be sure he's ready to quit
or else he will always regret it

these are not the kind of things i ever expected to hear from her
it's kinda making me want to tell the guy to run
i can see the seeds of her expectations changing
with the dreaded institution
and it makes me sad

he kinda roped me into an hour long [basically] therapy session
with another girl by telling her:
if you're concerned about it you should talk to [my name]
she's like yoda or something

i cannot explain how touched i was by that statement

when i went to log in to my computer this morning
i couldn't [just for a second] remember the password
and, instead, started to type civet

i think i'm slightly out of sorts