is it wednesday? 7:8

i did sleep in there somewhere
i apparently didn't say anything before i went to bed
and
i also apparently didn't say anything when i got up
that's unusual
and
it wasn't intentional
i've just not been very talky today

i saw this video
the law of attraction thing
and it was talking about
she wanted to see the entity she channels
and it said, right, that's why you always shut your eyes so tight
because you want to see
but she did
and
she opened her eyes
and the room was filled with fireflies
and the guy she was talking to
said he had a similar experience
he opened his eyes
after hearing that story
and his screen saver had gone to fireflies

and
i've been on a trip today
not motivated by drugs of any kind
but
i'm letting myself be led
and
it's taken me to music
now
i seem to love music theory
but i can't actually play an instrument
and i'm not sure if i understand music theory
in a way that's useful for like actually doing anything
and since i can't do maths
i'm not sure that it makes any sense
to think that i understand music theory at all
maybe i just think i do
but
i wouldn't listen to a talk about maths

so
whether i really understand it or not
i have some conceptualization of it
some framework in my head that allows me
to enjoy hearing about it
so
i don't know where this is going
but
i do feel like maybe it's going, ya know

not sure
what
to report

I dreamed that I was at my grandparents house

And I think I was sick

and I went to the pantry to get something to eat because I was also hungry

And it didn't look like they're pantry

I mean it looked like their pantry but the stuff that was in it didn't look like stuff they would have had in their pantry

But I can't explain exactly what I mean by that

Because I don't remember exactly what I saw

I just remembered that I went to the pantry looking for food and kind of left shaking my head

And then I went into the living room

And my grandmother was in her chair

And usually when I would sit in there and talk to her I would sit in my grandfather's chair

Because he was usually off doing something

But today he seemed to have stuff in his chair and by his chair like he was about to come back

But then there was stuff on the sofa too

So I wasn't sure where I should sit

and then he came back in and said hey I need your help

And I was like okay

I couldn't really remember him ever doing that before

So I went out into the back

Enclosed area where the washer and dryer were

Which is where he was

And he had the sofa cushions for like an outdoor sofa that looked like they had never been washed

They were really really dirty and they had leaves inside of them I found out because he was wanting to know how to wash them

And I'm like well this material is likely not to be washable

Do you have any woolite

And he did not know what were like was

And I'm like like let me open these up

and see if there's a tag inside that says anything about washing instructions

so I unzipped them That's how I learned that were lots of leaves inside

And sure enough the tag said do not wash

But they were for some kind of outdoor thing

So water shouldn't hurt them

At least not as such

So I was like well I think the thing to do

Is to beat them out really good so that all the dust and everything gets beaten out and then just hose them down really thoroughly with the hose

cuz if you take them off and wash them in the washer they might shrink or come apart or something

But he did not seem to think that that was the answer

And then I don't remember

ok
well, now it is much later
i really am going to bed now
my head hurts and my eye is throbbing
idk
why i cannot make myself go to bed
when i so obviously should

i love you very very much indeed
goodnight sweetheart

nite chat: 7:5

well maybe i should have listened
to all the days
but
i didn't
i dedicated today to it
and
i've listened to a lot of today
i haven't had much sleep
i had two and a half to three
this morning and
about an hour this afternoon

and
i was pretty tired
i wasn't sure i'd be able to stay up
for john prine
but
i really wanted to
and i did
and toots too

i don't think i'm gonna make it to steve earle
i have pressure behind my right eye
that says
go to bed

i love you
i hope your weekend has been funner than you hoped
and
i feel much better than i did
whenever it was that i was telling you
that i didn't feel that great

and
i love you very very much indeed

p.s. maybe
it just occurred to me
maybe you didn't say
that you hadn't ever heard lake marie
maybe you said you didn't know it
not necessarily the same thing
so
whatever
it's a good song
kinda sad
but
not too sad, considering
and that's one of the things
i like about john prine
he's keeping ya thinkin
so you can't get all country sad
maybe that isn't the best way to describe it
i'm pretty tired

he's like a teacher of the human essence
and
when i was saying
i didn't know if it was better for him to live or not
i didn't mean
because he was old
i meant because
he'd already been through a lot physically
and i didn't know how much worse covid
would make it
i didn't know if he would have
a life that he would want to live
i'm always
nervous about making demands
on behalf of other people
unless i feel like i really know what i'm talking about
so that was not designed to be disrespectful
it was respectful

and
maybe you knew that
but, just in case, i wanted to make it clear

anyway
i am listening to steve earle now
i may listen a bit

you said you hadn't heard that one
and i'm trying to stay up
for the show that hasn't started yet

carolyn wonderland  a little help from my friends

i wasn't too sure about this
but
i'm glad i just took a nap

nite chat 2: 7:4

i'm not quite sad
i'm sorta neutral
but it's like an ocean of sad is all around me
and it's seeping in
i've got to get this together
before it gets in

i'm drinking my second margarita
and i'm not planning to make more
and they aren't huge
i just gotta get back to a happy place

i love you

trying to figure out the sleep
those times are
eastern time, i'm pretty sure
although
not positive

no
it says pst so pacific not eastern

nite chat 1: 7:4

ok
people are talking about a hand gesture
they are calling it a white power signal
it looks a lot like something
i used as a kid
to mean ok
wtf

i didn't grow up in a secret white power circle
i'm not saying there wasn't
some systemic
internalized stuff
but
i am
absolutely saying
none of us was in the clan
or anything like that
and
none of us
was in any way
overtly anti black

so
again i say wtf

is this just some made up bull
which i can believe
except for that freaky picture of mary hart
who looks like she's making some
meaningful gesture
but is not saying anything
which goes well with "ok"

Okay I'm up actually I've been up for a few minutes cuz I looked through my phone before I got out of bed

The dust is officially here

My eyes are very itchy

And I'm extra congested

I had good dreams though

Nothing very plot worthy

Just a lot of good things

Good food I'm pretty close and going to carnivals and I don't really remember I should have said something before I started looking at my phone but again not very plot-worthy

I hope everything is good with you

I love you very much

I've not really done much to celebrate the 4th of July since I was that kid really

We used to go see fireworks every year

I guess while my grandmother was still alive maybe we went over there but I'm not even sure about that

No in fact I don't think so

I think my dad would sometimes try to cook out

But that was never very successful so I can't imagine that that was an every year thing

I think a few times I've read the declaration of Independence but I'm confident I haven't done that every year

and maybe I never really read it all the way through although I can't imagine that I didn't read it all the way through

But somebody on my feed was talking about the way Indians are depicted

And I just don't remember reading that in the declaration of Independence and surely

surely if I had read that it would have stuck with me but maybe not maybe it just washed over me like everything else

Or what I mean by washed over me like everything else was maybe I was drawn along in the flow of what it was saying and just excused it

Because if they mentioned Indians at all what else would they have said about them you know

And it's not like that attitude is a surprise

I went to Mount Rushmore

I've never really had a bucket list per se

but I had always wanted to see Mount Rushmore ever since I found out there was a Mount Rushmore

I thought it was really beautiful sculpture

Like they didn't actually finish it so it was still kind of rough and I liked that

And I didn't realize

I'm not sure how I didn't realize but I didn't realize that it was a sacred space to the native Americans

I mean of course it is

but I was thinking of it in the context of Mount Rushmore so I wasn't thinking of it in any other context

And no other context had been specifically brought to my attention at any point

So I went there

And and I didn't really like it

I went out and I sat there

And it wasn't like some of the other things that have been oh my God I've always wanted to see this and just you know overwhelming

It was just kind of empty the feeling

And so I didn't even look at it that long even though I had driven such a long way to get there

But I bought a book in the gift shop

It was a children's book about crazy horse

And I really liked that

but even in the gift shop there was nothing talking about how Mount Rushmore was really

At least even also

A sacred Lakota spot

and I've seen some people who say things like oh yeah well the Lakota just stole it from the crow

Well that's their business

That's not an excuse for you stealing it from them

It really isn't

why do people always come at you with those kind of arguments like they're really telling you something

And women are always talking about men man splaining things to them

And I don't want to argue with that because it definitely happens

But it's not just happening to women

So I'm not sure man's planning is really the right name for it although I guess it is in context

Anyway I had veggie hot dogs yesterday

And I think that was my big 4th of July thing

I may watch some fireworks on YouTube or somewhere else

That has kind of gotten to be my habit

Fireworks are pretty

They're probably not good for the environment

They're definitely scary to animals

So unbalanced they're probably bad and we probably shouldn't have them

but fireworks that have already happened aren't causing any extra damage so if I watch them on YouTube I guess it's not going to hurt anything

I don't know

I guess there's a lot of stuff going on in the world right now

And then there's not a lot of stuff going on in the world right now

Those things are both true

Or maybe the emphasis should be there a lot of things not going on in the world right now instead of not a lot of things going on

Things that would be going on or not

But you know

There's good stuff

And there's bad stuff

And the more you focus on the bad stuff

The more unhappy you get

So it only makes sense to focus on the bad stuff

Within the context of doing something about it

Not like creating a spiral down into depression

There are flies in my house

There were not usually flies in my house

but there are three large flies in the bathroom with me right now buzzing four large flies in the bathroom with me buzzing around right now I don't know what that's about

Wonder what fly totem means I mean what could flies be trying to tell me

Guess I'll have to look into that

I hope you're having a happy celebration with your family and that everything is really fun and good

I love you very much sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much 💋

I have to mention

I had looked for that money

hard

several times

and

couldn't find it for the life of me

I had decided

that

I must have spent it

somehow

somewhere

Okay that was a lot longer than I planned to sleep

But I had really cool dreams

We made art

We went to exhibits

I think we ate some good food I don't remember

I went to the spa kind of place

Which wasn't like a regular spot much I don't think

I think it was more like be happy camp

There were good smells and fun activities

And fancy cleaners in the bathroom that smelled good and didn't contain any chemicals

And the most important thing

These two guys who ran the place

And they were very meticulous they had every detail planned out to where it was just delightful but before I just woke up I walked down the hall to go to the bathroom

And the hall wasn't really hot I mean it was like open it was like some kind of Japanese I don't know what you call it

And the two guys they were making these One of them was making a cheesecake ice cream and the other one was making a lemon sorbet but they were doing it in this very elaborate artisanal like Japanese way

And that was really cool but the important thing is

Ice cream

And sorbet

And cheesecake ice cream sounds a little too rich

One time I was at katz' with somebody

And we shared one of their cheesecake shakes

Which I don't know maybe that's just something they do here maybe that's not like a nationwide thing or maybe it's everywhere outside of New York I don't know

It's crazy a shake is too rich and cheesecake is too rich but they're both delicious but you put them together and it's way way way too much

But still really tasty

but then if you had lemon sorbet that cuts all that fat and richness so actually

If you were going to eat cheesecake ice cream I think the way you'd want to do it is with some lemons or bay and that's just the way this place was I mean it was amazing it was amazing

It might it might be the funnest dream I ever had

well except for maybe some that were like all wild and surreal but I mean as far as just things happening that you would enjoy this was the best dream ever

No sex though maybe it could have been better if it was sex

But I'm not sure about that they were making freaky Japanese artisanal ice cream in like these whole wood casks or something it was crazy

I'm going to sleep for a little while I love you very much

nite chat: 7:3

i'm pretty excited
do you remember when i said
i couldn't find my "road money"
well
i'm sitting here
and i've been doing zone out wander-y stuff
just having fun
taking my mind off stuff
and
i've been maintaining a grateful attitude
and stuff

and
a voice in my head
says
go look
i'm not saying where
and
there it is
twice

now
this is not new money
it is my money that i already had
and
25% of that
i knew where it was
and it wasn't in the same place
so
it doesn't really count
so really only 75% of it was lost
but
my point is

money
so
i'm not saying that's a lot of money
i mean it's not like rent or anything
but
i sort of didn't have it and now i do
so
cool, right


also
i forgot to tell you
i dreamed about rain

i can't see that one thing

where is don lemon? 7:2

i've been watching the news
all day
well, since i've been up anyway
where is don lemon
i really need don lemon
i've been anaylzing why
and
i think it's that deadpan look
where you like know exactly what he's thinking
but he does not need to say it
his restrained sarcasm
his attitude
and the way he conveys it
without needing to display

i just love that

rachael maddow
she's great
i love her
she's sarcastic
she says what she thinks
she gets mad
whatever--  i really like her
but
don lemon

i hope he's on vacation
i hope he's getting rested up
i hope nothing is wrong with him

i'm not sure how much i like chris cuomo
he's ok
i don't dislike him
and whatever
i probably like him better than anderson cooper
who i'm not crazy about
but
meh

joy is growing on me
the woman who is filling in for don lemon
i can't remember her name right now
i like her
but
not instead of don lemon

I'm going to sleep for a little while

I love you very much

💋

i know pride month is over, but