so, i wonder

what you think
I don't know
when I change
from waiting for you mode
to full tilt mode
because
if
you
think there won't be any change
I think
you're wrong

real quick

I said I don't give a shit about this job anymore
and that's true
but
I don't want to go into the whole devolution
the big thing
they clamped down
so
I was priding myself on having the best beer selection in town
well, not any more
I can only order approved products
I've got like
less than half
and blah blah whatever
but
see
I don't really care about what I make
money wise
I have to be the best
and
they won't let me


but
the weird thing is
the whole store is down 7%
because driving sales is not the focus
following the rules is the focus


and this new manager
he wanted to promote me
but I don't want to be promoted there
supervisor is a shitty job
the only reason to be supervisor
is to try to be manager
and I have over 10 years of management experience
if I want to be manager
I'd get there faster by applying somewhere else for a manager position


this is not my first rodeo


he also wanted me to be supervisor
so he could make me keep doing my current job, plus that job, for, if I'm lucky, a couple more dollars an hour


this is not my first rodeo


when I had my review
he went on and on about how great I was
when I asked about my developmental areas
he gave me a flippant answer about
hairstyle or something
clearly not taking me serious
like
seriously, you have no developmental areas
then
I get a meets expectations
and I'm like
I'm sorry NO
because I have always gotten exceeds
and he just told me I can't improve, right


and he says
well, that still represents a pay increase


seriously
he thinks I'm gonna just be happy to get
like the lowest pay increase possible
I'm like no
that rating is not consistent with the review I just received
do you seriously think that's what I deserve?


so he goes back and adjusts it
we only get raises once a year
and my big increase is now .40


whatever
anyway, I'm getting out of order
i just recently discovered the store was down 7%, because i don't care about the store
i only care about my dept
and i really don't care about that
but my not caring
is still more
ya know
and
i was sure I'd be losing sales
hand over fist
and i was budgeted to be down 3%
but
now I'm up almost 5%
and this was the hard part of the year


I'm ranking 30 out of like 240 in the company
which is roughly the same as last year
i lead our district
though our district manager still can't remember my name
and he was throwing it up to me
when new guy took over
that the south Dakota stir was doing almost as much as me
with less inventory
and I'm like yeah, but do they have 15 competitors within a stones throw of them
I'm trying to lure people in with having better selection
you have too much beer
he says
so
still
with nothing
I'm 30 and they're 38
they are $8,000 behind me
same as last year
but the store's down 7%
and I'm not really trying
and it hit me
something i already knew


i really pour myself into whatever i do
and i can't really not be successful at it


and it's just a shame
that I'm wasting myself
on these ungrateful bastards


and i started praying really hard
to know what to do next
I'm willing to make money, i said
I'm open to it
i want to profit from hard work
because
clearly I'm incapable of not
i tried
and i just worked smarter
got better
made them more money


anyway
so
real estate
I'm reading books
it looks like you can do the classes on line
it's 180 hours
but I'm unclear if that's like
it will take 180 hour
or if it's credit hours
but
it needs to be
the shortest amount of time possible
I'm not doing this bullshit any more
dragonfly said 2years and it's been
almost 2 years
and life starts now
whatever
no more fucking around

i think i know what i'm supposed to do next, but i don't know exactly what that means

but
what I'm getting
is
real estate

i love uou sweetheart

I hope you are having
a really great day

slept just fine

didn't even need melatonin

going to bed now

presumptuous people

my manager just told me
you're not gonna sleep at all tonight
worrying that you'll oversleep


uh, whatever
first of all, don't I do this overnight thing
like every 6-8 weeks
second of all, isn't this like my 5th inventory here
much less anywhere else
third of all, I don't really care about this job anymore
and even if I overslept
I'd at worst get 1 point
I'll sleep just fine
and if I can't
I'll take 1/2 a melatonin
I can't take more than half or I won't wake up
stuff affects me strongly
but
I have more to tell you
when I get a chance
rant, mostly

this is why i don't take pharmaceuticals

i really really really wish

that we were alone together
right now
might be
that I'm just riled from all the
stuff in taking
but, damn
of course
we might be weird and afraid
if we were actually actually together
but
all I can think about
is how much I want you to hold me
I want to nibble your ears
I want to kiss you until my lips melt
and if i did any of that
I would want you in me
desperately
but
it's all that other stuff
I'm trying to focus on
but
I'm having trouble working
maybe
maybe I need to cut back on something
before I lose my fucking mind
completely

i hope that didn't weird you out

I don't really see why it would
but
now I'm paranoid
I want you
I think you're pretty hot


please be in my dreams tonight
I'd rather kiss you
I promise not to hurt you
but
if I could bite, just a little, I'd really
like it

i had a weird sex dream

the guy was someone
I knew him in the dream
but I don't in real life
he looked like one of those underwear models
though
in fairness
I don't think I was actually me
and
it's probably not cheating on dreams
and my alarm went off before
I could do much anyway
but
I kissed him
and I bit his facial stubble
and pulled it with my teeth
which was very very hot
and
I was going to whip him
with a really impressive bullwhip
but
like I said
didn't get that far

for the record, what stuff tastes like

baobab is tasty
amla is pretty bad
but
I've been having a problem
with tasting things
I don't know if it's all the supplements
or
if there's something just really wrong with me
and, if it doesn't stop, I might go to the doctor
but
I find them pretty useless
and expensive
and I don't believe in them, generally
so maybe I am a hippie, dunno
but for it seemed like a week
everything tasted like metallic sand
and i figured it was the emergen-C
because I was taking a really seriously don't get sick formula that was FULL of zinc
and of course
I was taking a BUNCH of it
but, I've stopped
and I still have problems with
astringent and sour, for sure
and I'm not sure anything
is back to baseline normal


I'm just telling you this
because
ya know
just because
not because I want to freak you out
or have you do something about it
you just like to know what's going on with me
and that's what's going on
I've got inventory next week
so hours might be weird


I love you
don't freak out
I'm gonna be fine


I'm making baked ziti
I love baked ziti
I really hope I can taste it
the avocados have been great
I'm going on my second straight week
of every day


I maybe should br more worried
but
I figure
I'll probably lose weight
is that the wrong way to think?
if it drags on
I'll be more worried
I promise
but it's getting better


ok
did I just go on about that
so long
that I made you worried
cause that was NOT my intention

i want to ask you a question in all seriousness

my issues
with health and money aside
the coast is never gonna be clear
why should I not lose hope
or give up
or
just decide that you
just
want me, but don't want
to change anything
don't misunderstand me
I'm not asking you this
like all judgy and accusatory
I really want to know
what you think I should be thinking
not the pretty happy picture
but like the real real truth of it man


can you understand what I'm asking you
in the spirit that I'm asking
because
ya know


I need to understand
the big picture
and you need to understand
that I AM a woman

whatever you are doing this morning

it is arousing me
what are you doing
I really wanna know
are you thinking about me
are you trying to do things specifically to me
are you having sex with her
I wonder
what is the thing that does this

supplements

ok
so I ordered some stuff from vitacost
which I haven't ever done before
but
I wanted dragon herbs he shou wu
and that seemed to be the cheapest place to get it
but while I was there
I also ordered pine bark extract
and rosehips
but vitacost brand
which gives me pause
but the price was great
and the bodybuilder forums seemed to indicate
that people were happy with their products
granted, not those specifically
but they have a 100% money back guarantee
so they probably make it good enough
ya know
or they'd lose money
also baobab powder


so I still have some stuff i need
but
I'm well on my way
to the new protocol


msm with superfruit blend powder
ALA
cordyceps
cayenne
rosehips
pine bark extract
asprin
oh, probably horse chestnut too
I think that's it
oh, maybe chlorella
I already have some of that
also
I'm gonna have an avocado for lunch
every day until I can't do it anymore

i found a replacement

pine bark extract
used to be pycnogenol
which I used to take semi-regularly
back in the day
I think because Spalding Gray said he was taking it
it was more expensive then
but now there's generic pine bark
if I just make sure it's French maritime pine
I should be good
also ho shu wu
I'm gonna stop taking hawthorn, I think
and up the horse chestnut
but I'm trying to get
fewer
with multi purpose


I'm gonna be healthy damn it
and if I can't lift thousands of pounds in a day
and walk back and forth
a zillion times
then I not healthy
but
you can still rescue me from this
any time now

i stopped taking the gotu kola

I was near the end of a bottle
and i was doing a lot better
and I was gonna have a rough week
I thought
hey, maybe don't make it harder


but it's all out of my system
and
I found out it's fertility suppressive too
so
I'm not gonna take it any more
but I wanted to check


we didn't break up, did we
while I was crazy

i think the stuff i'm doing might be working

today
I feel
pretty good

i'm trying to compose a superfruit powder

I wish I knew what baobab tastes like
really it doesn't matter
because I'm gonna mix it with msm
so it'll taste pretty bad
but I'm taking msm crystals in water now
rather than all pills
still use pills at work
and I'm using a natural vitamin c powder
but
I decided I could mix something myself
and save money
so
I'm thinking baobab, amla fruit
maybe noni
camu camu would be nice, but it's super expensive
maybe acerola cherry, maybe
but I don't want any maltodexetrin
and I'm not opposed to adding
something crazy
just for taste
still working on it

ok, i don't remember any dreams with you in them

but
I slept a long time
and i think I only remember the last one
but
it was a doozie
and doesn't completely make sense


there was a part
where I was trying to live with my dad
but that seemed to mean
I lived in my car
my key didn't work
I could never get in the apartment
I could never get him on the phone
I couldn't make I to work on time
because I could never get access
to the shower
or my clothes


but
I also couldn't reach work on the phone
so I didn't know what time
I was really supposed to be there
I figured
by the time I got this resolved
I'd have too many points
and be fired


I went to this building
to try and find my father
there was this museum display
maybe it was cooking implements through history
not sure
it had these little room type things set up
but they weren't chronological


I forgot
I had an ok car
but it might have been a BMW
I had a white on white polka dot leather
like across between a briefcase and a messenger bag
and my key chain had a rubber chicken
not like cute
like old school rubber chicken


I found my father and
brothers (still kids)
and new mutant sibling
it was pretty shriveled on it's lower body
and didn't look quite real


there was a heavy bag
and i had to carry it
through a maze of refrigerators
and then we reached this place that looked like a mine shaft
ok, my father says looking at my brother
either I am
or you are
going to get a trunk on our car from this
leading us down the mine shaft
to the custom kitchen planning room
all our stuff is put into a mine cart
and I'm wheeling it along
I almost run over my mutant sibling
who they have left on the track at the end


and then
my father begins this
bizarre disturbing performance
which is maybe part Blair witch part lion king


he is showing dead frogs
and roots
and I don't know what
to explain how
my brother is like
the chosen king of everything