choosing a table and kitchen redo

i was in an old apartment
i was trying to fix it up
i had apparently already done the bathroom
and i was trying to edit
the dining...
i'm gonna call it a nook
because
even though it was a room
it was small
and
really half of it was gonna have to be
something else

but there were two tables
neither of them was quite right, somehow
but i thought both of them were beautiful
but they belonged to my mother, apparently
and she wanted to sell them
but it was like she was selling my childhood
i felt emotionally attached
wanted to hang on
even though they didn't work
i have a desk like that
i keep wanting to replace it
because it just doesn't work
but it's got too much history for me

i keep thinking i'll refinish it
fancy it up
use it as a dressing table
but
who am i kidding
i don't need a dressing table
maybe if i have a foyer
whatever

one of the tables
had a bentwood oval
to rest the glass upon
one had beautiful carving
i was leaning towards the glass top
because it leaves a more open feel
and it was a small space
but now i'm realizing
maybe what it really needed was a booth
maybe i could build in a U-shaped banquet
with under storage
and use the glass table
hmmm, maybe

then i moved into the kitchen
and
it had a super high ceiling
but it was all plaster dust and messed up
and i wanted to paint the top eight feet
and wall paper the bottom whatever it was
five or six
with some easily cleanable stuff
but then too
i thought
maybe i should do a drop ceiling
hang stuff
for extra storage
but
i was totally not competent to do that alone
the benches
i could have done
although
power tools
kinda terrify me
because
i have a tendency to the clumsy
and one of my dad's friends cut off three of his fingers
with a saw when i was a kid
they sewed em back on
and they worked
sorta
but
it made a scary impressing
so
maybe i wouldn't
or
maybe i'd use a hand saw and it'd take forever
(ooooo there'd be no storage with this option
but old fold down wooden stadium seats
would be really cool
though less practical, i guess)

but
i think a drop ceiling is a two man job
but that be cool
a wooden grid, say
suspended down from the high ceiling
although
maybe not
because
if i could reach it without a ladder
it might be a head risk


damn it
where am i going with this
i was so excited about this apartment
and now
i'm not sure if my ideas work

oh well
probably not a very interesting post, then

movies and mooses

i dreamed i was living in some sort of communal living arrangement
and i was trying to find a place to put my books

what do you think the books represent
i always seem to be worrying
about those books

anyway
i think i ended up stacking them against the wall
in a walking closet

and there were two cats
one was my cat
one was a stray
we were trying to integrate
mine was a black cat
and the stray was too
but i could tell them apart immediately
even though they had identical markings

there was this topiary mattress
that one of the cats
shredded
eviscerated

which was not going to make it popular
but i kept wondering:

what is the point of a topiary mattress
it's not like mattresses are so pretty
that you need a shaped one on a decorative wrought iron post

i have no idea what any of that's about


there was this couple
the girl reminded me of sharon tuttle
one of the computer book department people
i used to work with at the book store
and the guy
i'm not sure who he looked like

they had a pet moose

they laughed and said:
our gift is the sign the moose wears:
not insane

which i guess meant they were kindly letting you know
that it was not a dangerous moose

and maybe that means
it is finally time for me to tell you
my moose story
so maybe i have to write it
i hate to
i've been saving it
it involves ping pong and mean-ness

i totally can't play ping pong
but i used to could
when i was like ten

i guess ten was a big year for me


anyway
right before i got up
i had this really weird dream

i use my cell phone as an alarm clock

i'm not really sure why
i have an uber loud german brass windup clock
i have a tweeting bird clock i got in chicago

i have an awesome shiva clock i got in santa fe
(but it never worked)
when i got home with it and put batteries in it
it was not singing shiva songs
only the clock part works
which pissed me off

wow, that was a long aside, i guess i needed to vent

cell phone clock

so it had gone off
the first time
i got up
fed the cat
got back in bed
it's gonna ring in thirty minutes

normally
it either goes on the bedside shelves
or on the bed next to me
but today
i was laying on my back
and i just held it on my chest
which led to something
it wasn't much like a dream

i took a video of myself laying there
a sheet covering the lower half of my face like a veil
actually
it started out with a black screen
and you could just hear me
then you could see me
and i looked kinda scary
kinda like those ads i keep seeing for hanna
then i got up out of the bed
and walked to the sliding glass door
slowly
and filming myself
but there was some kind of music playing
and i'm not sure how to describe it
it was heavy
multi layered
and maybe appropriate for a horror film
but beautifully haunting too
and maybe i was wailing
or maybe it was just the music

then
when i got to the window
i played it back
watched the whole thing

it could have happened

it was quite like an out of body experience


anyway
weirdness

dreams were weird and really i guess i wanna chat

there was one dream
where there was a telephone receiver
like probably no one has anymore
connected to the heavy curling cord
the dream girl got a call
but there was no phone base
she followed the cord back to a barn
as she walked toward it the cord pulled in
harder and harder until she had to let go, the phone disappearing entirely

there was something dangerous in the barn
and there were people under sheets on gurneys
with wolf masks on their heads

when she went back home
the door was hidden
it just blended into the apartment building wall



there was another dream
i was in my old attic room
but i lived there now
i was so happy to be back there
because i miss it
i did not have the same history in the dream
that i do in real life
i was younger
and had lived alone for all those years
i don't think i knew you either

and
i think i might have been a clothes horse
because i was trying on clothes
for most of the dream

now
i go back to that room sometimes in dreams
but this seemed different
and i'm not sure what it means

maybe i'm feeling like i've lived my life foolishly
like i wish i could do it all again

but
to be honest
i really don't want to have to do it all again
i'm just not sure how to fix it now
and i've been thinking about different weights
i was at different times
charting the ups and downs
so the trying on clothes might have to do with that


i haven't lost more weight
i haven't really tried
i've been eating
and i'd inched up from the peanut butter
and lost it back with the chlorella diet
but
i've been eating
and feeling pretty good about eating
and just maintaining

i want to lose more
but i have been feeling good, physically
and i think i'm seeing changes without weight loss
that might be coming from the stuff i'm eating
like maybe my body is using the extra protein and fat
to work on my muscle and skin
i was a little worried about my skin
it seemed a little loose
so i haven't been in a big hurry to lose more weight
until it had kinda caught up
which it seems like it is, i think
i think the step-n-tone shoes are definitely doing something

i'm still too fat
but it's different

on the one hand
i want to do drastic things
and lose the rest of the weight in three months
but on the other hand
i don't want to do drastic things

i'm not sure which is better
just feeling okay about myself for a while
or pushing to get better

but i am slipping a bit
i've had some eggs and dairy
and i haven't been taking my supplements regularly
specifically royal jelly, dha, and cod liver oil
and i had a pretty poor showing this ovulation cycle


oh yeah, i forgot
i had a dream that i was driving across country
and i stopped in some small western town restaurants
and weird roadside gift shops
none of which i remember very well
but somewhere in there was a potted cactus
about two feet tall
with a beautiful milky pink flower


i hope everything is good with you
that you are happy and healthy and with loved ones
i love you very much

thoughts as the water boils, almost a story

so i'm in the kitchen heating water for tea. used to be i'd use a bodum kettle, but it's getting old and turns out to use too much electricity so i switched to stovetop. stovetop is gas. i use this little pot i think was designed for turkish coffee, but stainless. whatever. it's just the right amount of water. so. like i said. i'm heating water for tea. it hadn't yet boiled when i noticed something floating. yuck. i thought maybe it was a spider. is it bad luck to kill spiders? however, it was not a spider, when i fished it out it was a fruit fly. definitely not my fault. had to have flown in. how long do i need to boil the water to kill fruit fly germs? i wasn't sure.

maybe a slow count to sixty.

and my mind could have gone anywhere, but it took me back to ten years old. in the kitchen boiling water for tea. not my tea though. tea for the stepmother.

there is something distilled in that moment.

i hated her. plain and simple. i thought she was stupid and worthless and evil. the very first cuss word i ever used was the first one i ever learned and i would sit in the dark in my closet and call her that word over and over like it gave me power. she had migraines, or maybe she didn't, they certainly seemed to be conveniently timed.

maybe i've told you this story before...

anyway, one day she had a migraine and i had to make her tea...

we had one of those whistling tea kettles. it always sat on the stove. it had a little water in it. i didn't dump that water. it was going to be boiled; whatever was in it had been boiled. it didn't really occur to me to check it. i boiled the water. it whistled. i shut it off quickly. she had a migraine. i put the tea bag in the cup. i poured the water.

three large swollen cockroaches floated to the surface.

i hate cockroaches.

i stared at them.

i needed to make the tea over. there were cockroaches in the tea. she would yell at me for taking too long if i started over. there were cockroaches in the tea. she had probably heard the kettle. there were cockroaches in the tea.

i fished them out.

i took her the tea.

she thanked me.



she deserved it.

yes yes, fine. she created an environment where doing the thing i actually wanted to do was the one thing most likely to avoid punishment.

our only win-win.

and i won.

i would not have given my worst enemy cockroach tea. but i wasn't going to be yelled at for saving her from cockroach tea. fuck her. drink up.



and it really isn't like that was my finest moment.

but in a way it was...

...58...59...60

well, something weird, i don't know about good, but different

i dreamed
i was trying to get somewhere
i had a dream vacation planned, or something
but i was snowed in everywhere
i couldn't get to the airport
i couldn't get to my destination
and time was running out

i don't know what that means
but it doesn't seem good

but it wasn't like a nightmare, either
just like i was trying everything i could think of


but
this next part
i don't know, really don't know
what to make of it


i was standing in my kitchen
and i really needed to pee
so i did
like right there
and it just kept going and going
hot and yellow and making a giant pool on the floor
and i thought:
man, this is going to be a huge mess to clean up
and it reminded me of the time i saw the percheron piss
and it was like i couldn't finish
it just went on and on
but in a very releasing sort of way

when i was a kid
i read a book that was supposed to explain sex to kids
and it described the feeling of an orgasm:
the way you feel when you pee when you've really got to go

which i sensed at the time couldn't be right
and later
after i finally had one
made me wonder if that author had ever had one

so i'm not saying
this was orgasmic peeing
but it did feel good
and
other than the clean up
i wasn't all shamed up about it

so finally i finish
and i go to get clean up stuff
and my father comes along and puts down a rug
and some wicker furniture
right on top of it
i'm watching the pee soak into the rug
which is at least a thick cotton washable rug

and
i'm not sure whether it's weirder
that he put a rug and wicker chairs in the kitchen
or the fact that it was my father who did it

what do you suppose that's all about
sheesh

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBMcc9l6Jw0

last night i went to see just go with it for reasons other than that i thought it would be a brilliant tour de force

but i find i have thoughts...
and
i'm not sure they would have continued beyond walking back to my car
except that
i have a tendency
(unless i really have to pee)
to watch all the credits
(i figure those people deserve it
and often i want to see something with the music
which is usually listed last
and
sometimes they'll show you something
at the end
so i watch
usually)

and this time i saw that just go with it
is what i think they're calling now
a re imagining of
cactus flower

and i'm all like:
wait
what
no way

so i guess now i'll have to watch cactus flower again
goldie hawn totally stole the show in that film, as i recall
and i'm not sure it was planned that way
cactus flower is to almost famous
genetic book ends
somehow in my mind
and maybe that doesn't make sense
but it was just
the way my brain works

the point is
brooklyn decker
just pretty and nice
but nothing in the personality department
couldn't be (to me) the same movie
which, of course, isn't how that works
they'd be basing that on the plot or something not the movie
which surprisingly
even against
adam sandler
nick swardson
nicole kidman
and bailee madison (who gives everyone a pretty good run for their money)
brings out something amazing in
jennifer aniston

which is maybe sad
because this isn't a great movie
but she was incandescent

now
i've never been a big jenifer aniston fan
she's always been fine:
cute funny kinda one dimensional but good at her thing, ya know
i would never knock her
it's hard enough to get a thing to be good at in hollywood, ya know

but i am specifically trying to support this little trend they got going
the over 40 actress in romantic leading roles trend
i think it's a good good thing
and i'm willing to see
stuff i wouldn't go to see
to support that trend
the proposal for example
which actually turned out to be worth the price of admission
for betty white's performance
(sorry i could never like golden girls betty)

anyway
brooklyn decker
seemed like a set up really
as a pale by younger version of aniston
who may have had some work done before this film
i hate to say that
and i don't mean to sound like a bitch
it's just that i've looked at her a lot
specifically because
i've been thinking of getting my hair cut like that
for actually
like a couple of years now
and i just can't decide
her face is so much squarer than mine
and i'm afraid it will make me look like a campbell soup kid
so i've looked at her face pretty intensely
and
she doesn't look different
just sort of perfected

so what i'm saying:
if she had work done
it was fucking good gad damn amazing work
and everyone should run not walk to her surgeon

and
i don't mean to remain firmly focused on the physical
really i don't, but it is important here for the sake of the over 40 thing
to mention:

once jennifer aniston took off her clothes to reveal
her 40 something bikini clad body
every time brooklyn showed up after that
i couldn't help being all like:
oh yeah, is she still here

but she wasn't just
the most beautiful piece of meat there
which frankly
would have been a cultural victory in a way
she also came across as a real person
even though the situation, hell, the whole movie, was uber contrived

adam sandler is charming and has played romantic lead before and better
there is here nothing really new or inspired about his performance, except
after their kind of accidental date
where she needs him to pretend to be her husband
the way he has needed her
except
in her case
it is to make herself look good to an old sorority "friend"
the date was pretty good
aniston and kidman is a combination i would never have thought of
but wouldn't mind to see again
but
the walk down the hall
when sandler and aniston are returning from her lie to his
his realization
that he likes hers better

pure gold



i'm not saying
that i'm going to rent her back catalog
but
i wouldn't be surprised
to see something astonishingly good from her in the future
and i'm gonna try not to miss it

don't have much time right now

dreams were all full of
potted plants
don't know what that means

and large spaces
with wooden beams

coconut
palms
chocolate
trees
and
some
overarching reason
for all of this to be together
sometimes in elaborate planters

a glittering black guitar case, for one
and i was
poor

trying to figure out
how to finance my own
beautiful tree

not sure what it all means
but i needed to get it down
before i completely forget it


i love you very much
take good care of yourself

for a while now, i've been having complex dreams which i subsequently could not recall; but last night might be the weirdest of all

i was in a park
or
some place
naturally
beautiful

i was
on a blanket
i was
talking to a little girl
telling her a story, i think
but having a conversation too
to get a sense of what she wanted, in a story

what was coming out, it didn't make much sense to me
and i can't remember anything that was said in this process

then
i stepped away from the girl on her blanket
i looked down at the ground, and sort of concentrated
and big pages started to appear, like
maybe 2' x 2'
and
right there in front of my eyes
they were binding themselves up
creating this enormous book
children's book


then from there i got up and walked over to
what seemed like kind of a sacred spot in the park
so maybe it wasn't a park because i don't think parks
have sacred ground

anyway

when i got there i knelt
and
next to me
was an indian
i don't know
was he an actual man
was he a spirit man
but
i did know him

tell my ancestors i love them
i'm sorry i'm so pale
it might give me privilege, but it isn't wanted
i hope i bring honor

he might have said something
i can't remember

hey, i found it...

http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=963191&catId=SHOPSALE-FURNITURE&pushId=SHOPSALE-FURNITURE&popId=SHOPSALE&navAction=top&navCount=84&color=015&isProduct=true&fromCategoryPage=true&templateType=E

and it is a really beautiful sofa

today i was going to go to the museum but it was too pretty out so i went window shopping

i got a coffee
and i wasn't necessarily planning to window shop
but i was lured by the XM 40s music
and the palm trees
to stay
after
i
had
finished my coffee on the patio

and
i did go in some shops
i have no idea
whether my choice of shops interests you
i don't peg you as much of a shopper
but god is in the details, so

l'occitaine:
almost bought thigh slimmer
decided i had body shop thigh slimmer already not being used

west elm:
bought a shower curtain
have wanted new shower curtain
for years
have been unable to find something i like
it seems french to me

http://www.westelm.com/products/butterfly-shower-curtain-b575/?pkey=cshower-curtains

crate & barrel:
really really like this coffee table

http://www.crateandbarrel.com/seguro-rectangular-coffee-table/s220012

and realized
my ideas about decorating
have
at the root
some seventies aesthetic
whereby
the child in me
wants
a zebra skin
somewhere in the room
wall
floor
whatever
and
maybe
a narwhal tusk
or albino turtle shell

[although not a barber chair nor a gumball machine]
just so i'm clear

soma/chico's:
the bra i liked
only goes up to 36
and i'm pretty sure i need a 40

anthropologie:
ok
i went in to anthropologie
and i was in there a while
but the doors were open
and it's all glass
so it was
kinda
like
still being outside
and
i love their furniture
they had this sofa
it was deep
slipcovered canvas
[maybe cotton linen blend, not sure]
off white basically
with blue kind of ikat inspired print pillows
and
i mean
maybe it isn't what i'd choose first
being off white and blue
but it was
so home-y
and
most sofas aren't
most don't feel like anything i'd want
[and it was half priced]
which made me yearn for it all the more
though that only brings it down to really expensive
from omg expensive
it isn't online
but
this is what their sofas are like
[swoon swoon]


http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/catalog/category.jsp?popId=HOME&navAction=middle&navCount=342&isSortBy=true&pushId=HOME-FURNITURE&id=HOME-FURNITURE-SOFAS

and
i almost bought a hair ornament
but
then i decided
it made me look like i was trying to look younger
and
i almost bought
a book of neruda love poems
but
i decided to hold out for hardback
but they have a magazine now
which is very cool
i've been out of my magazine thing for a while
because of the internet
and
they had
huckleberry finn


http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/popups/popup_zoomviewer.jsp?productid=073685&color=080&viewCode=b

and
i couldn't not buy it
i tried
i failed
i brought it home

coldwater creek:
i've never been in coldwater creek before
so i thought i'd see what they had
but
and this is kinda funny
it made me very uncomfortable
like
this is not your store honey
but
i can't tell you exactly whose store it is
just
that it made me want to run not walk away

foodie grocery:
dark russian rye loaf
[total impulse buy mmmmmmmmm]
two bagels
a bottle of water
a jar of peanut butter
chlorella tablets
lip balm

so
boring as shopping with a girl
or
snapshot of my mind
i
don't know
i
love you
though

ok, so probably i'm the only one who didn't know this, but chocolate matzo bark totally rocks

and
peanut butter has been supplanted by marmite
marmite on sesame wasa crispbread
so maybe it was niacin
not protein
all along
(and marmite has b12 and folate)
kinda high in salt though

why not vegemite, you ask
they were out of vegemite, but had marmite
and yeah yeah it's processed
but so are vitamin pills, and they aren't delicious
i have less of a leg with the crispbread
i mean, the swedes bill it as healthfood, but
i think it's just low fat low carb low calorie

which of course the matzo bark is not at all
but it did make me happy
and sometimes that has to count for something
it's dangerous information though

omg

it's not right
how much i want you right now


i don't know if you think it's my fault
that we haven't gotten together, or maybe
you don't blame me
but
still
there's a part of me that doesn't believe
you want my body
it believes you only want my brain
and
i go back and forth
about whether
it could ever be as good as i can imagine it
so it's a kind of limbo i live in


but
tonight
i want to
carelessly rake the dishes from the table
with a satisfying 'opa' shatter

i want to make love with you full contact australian rules

i want i want i want i want i want

and, i mean, i chant that in my head a lot
and it often has a melancholic never-jam-today-like tune

and yes yes, god bless never fucking me too soon

but there has got to come a day
as god is my witness

i love you

hopefully
when i write shit half asleep
where my musings
about what it'll be like
to have sex with you
get mixed into
lake cottage romance
well
i'm hoping you like that
or
hell
are at least used to it by now
cause ya know
you're not gonna one day kiss me
and i'll turn into a princess

you know that right


i wish i was with you right now
not even to do bad things to you
i'd really like to just sleep with you
i'm exhausted

i am imagining your legs brushing mine in the bed
and
even as tired as i am
i think it'd be hard not to keep waking you up, touching you
i want to feel your bones
that's kinda freaky huh
your hips
oh
yeah
i don't think you know this about me
but i have this thing for knees
not all knees
most people have just plain ol knees
but
maybe
maybe under all those clothes
you have the super god-like knee thing goin on
(sadly i do not)

and
don't misunderstand me
i'm not saying
i'm judging your parts
even if there was stuff missing or whatever
i'd just adapt
you know
no
what i'm saying
is that i am prepared to reify
every little bit of you
and
since i've already admitted to being attracted to you
i might as well excite myself with speculation

i'm sorry
i think i got the better end of that stick

i don't really know what you're into

hey
ok
here's something
i have really beautiful nipples
that's not so common
and likely to be of interest, generally
well
i guess i should say i think they're beautiful

you're either gonna think i'm funny
or really dumb
with all this random stuff tonight
i've gotta sleep now

when i said golden cowhide i was being all poetical-- really it is more accurately blonde

but i needed to say
because
when i read back over
it bothered me
like
maybe you thought i meant, metallic

ok, so i fell asleep in the tub and i'm not sure how coherent this will be...

although i have technically been with a lanky man
i have never ridden one
and i find myself wondering
am i gonna get poked
i am pretty careful
not to lose control of my balance
so
i'm not worried about damaging you
but
will i be aware of bones
i am intrigued


i saw this golden cowhide rug today
and i picture that rug
in front of a fire
in a cabin
by a lake

it's been so long
i can't really remember
but
you're configured differently enough
i'd have to relearn anyway
and
maybe
in reality
i'd get drunk
or stoned
so that i wouldn't be afraid
or worried about performance
but in my fantasy now
you're just a lot of fun
bucking
and
playful
with the candles and fireplace
making the lights flicker and jump

i get to imagine squeezing from the inside
and if those muscles have weakened
then
i'll just need more practice
cause it needs to be
just about
intake-of-breath
eyes-rolling-back
strength
to make me happy
it's weird
i need certain reactions
and i'll just have to play with you
until i learn what makes you tick

i worry
of course
that you're just like that
which
i'd bet a fair sum you are
and i've had to work myself around to it
it may surprise you to know
i'm a little afraid you'll want to eat me up

i've never been too into that
it's kinda gentle
and maybe i've never had anybody competent
or maybe i just wanted to be the top
but it's like seriously i've almost never

and
i just wonder
will it be scary and awkward the first time
or will it be
the total floodgate i feel in my bones that it will be
and i've already told you so much
it might be amazing
but what if it isn't
will that break some spell
or will it even matter

i mean
if it were about body parts
we'd have gotten bored long before now

this isn't very romantic
when i was naked in the tub
it was all very artful grinding and rolling and laughing and playing
down by the fire
and then star gazing
through the big skylight in the sleep loft of the cabin
snuggled under a blanket
falling asleep touching

drinking coffee
watching the fog rise off the lake
the next morning
with the blanket wrapped around us for warmth

i love you
i gotta sleep a little bit more

what i need right now is a bath...

i think
when i come back
i'll have something for you

if you like to choose a wine by it's label, don't be afraid to pick luchador-- a tasty south australian shiraz hosting a masked mexican wrestler

i don't drink shiraz much
and i'm not sure why
because i like it


i've been in quite a good mood today
happy happy blood time not bringing me down at all
i have this urge to talk about the moon
phases of the moon
but
it's drifting
the cycle
to the phases
it was
bleed at the full
ovulate at the new
but
it won't stay that way
i was hoping it would
that i'd go to a 28 day
those just seemed right
but they'll change in the 30 day
and that's less poetic, but there you are

and anyway
how likely
is it really
that you want to hear
odes to my beautiful cervical ablutions nueva luna
and anyway i don't write odes

and we could ask what el diamante is doing on a south australian wine

but do we really need to know



i'm thinking about you now
your lankiness
and how
in fact
if i'm honest
i'm attracted to that
how much more attractive i think you are
than when i first fell in love with you
there was something not yet awake in you then

it shimmers in you now

am i helping or deterring the shining frightening beauty


in my fantasy of now
we are dancing
in the moonlight
the hot dry air of the night sighs
are we even in the real world, or
are we dancing in the dreamtime

we don't speak
you aren't frightened by my silence
and you give me something
some talisman of your love
you have made it or designed it
and you press it onto my right thumb
it starts to rain
first mist
then large warm drops
i push your hat back slightly
i fold myself into the circle of your arms
run my hands down the sides of your face
brush my thumb across your lower lip
the ring means something deep for me
there's a power
because you made it
and i feel a little ashamed that i want something so tangible
but i do want it
and i kiss you then
softly
wet with rain
and in that kiss
which lasts forever
is all the tender promise of forever
with the sadness of not knowing if you will stay
or if you will leave me here to raise our child alone
you kiss me back
that you absolutely cannot live without me
but you have no idea how to fit our lives together
and you would tell me anything to keep me from leaving
and it wouldn't be a lie
but it might not be the truth either
and we fall to out knees
the weight of love too much to stay upright

and your fingers trace wonder
across my skin
discover the erogenous crook of my elbow
the way my breasts like to be pressed in to my body tightly
how my throat longs to be bruised with kisses

i open myself to you

and the desert

blooms

in case you were worrying: injury update + random other stuff

i've cut myself
and i've been abraded
but i've never sliced off
before now

and
i realize
the super glue thing
could have freaked you out
but back in the nam
no, seriously
i get that kinda stuff from my dad

my only experience with abrasions led me to believe
i'd get a big hard scab that would hurt and itch
but i didn't

it's just growing skin
it's pretty much covered now
although not filled in
and it doesn't hurt unless i poke into it
and that's only four days
i'm kinda impressed
i've only had it bandaged one day
so maybe the air is helping stimulate it


i saw a movie today
before i tell you what movie i wanna tell you why

i think twilight is one of the most boring pieces of crap
with no redeemable value whatever
but at least one of my friends loves it
and it was presented to me:
you are just too old
you've reached the point where you just don't get it

that made me mad

so today i saw beastly

and ok i got no idea who alex pettyfer is
and i recognize vanessa hudgens name
but i don't know why
but
i haven't followed pop culture for a while sorta purposely
but i was never personally invested in the beauty and the beast mythos
i never watched the disney
i did watch the one with ron pearlman
and the classic black and white

but i was always more of an ugly duckling follower
ie: if you aren't beautiful
it's because you're using the wrong definition
than a beauty and the beast-er


it was not bad
visually it was quite good

except

that guy was so much better looking "ugly"
and he seemed way more body mod
than deformed
and
i think we're spoiler safe here
i mean, you aren't planning to see it, right
they so should have had him want not to be fixed by the end
or she shoulda wanted him not to change
or something
not gotten all prettified by the end


the thing i thought was interesting in my response
and maybe i shouldn't tell you this
maybe this reveals something wrong in me
but
a year to find someone who will say they love you
didn't sound that hard to me
ironically
it's finding someone i could love that has always seemed difficult
not someone to love me

so does that mean that i'm wrong-headed
or conceited
(cause people love me)
or maybe i'm defining love wrong
maybe i'm thinking she meant
they just had to love
and she meant soul mate kinda love

anyway
i don't think there was anything to get
in beastly
but i didn't read young adult fiction, really
even when i was one
so maybe i never got it
but it does sound
from the wiki article
like they ruined the book

but there was a cool poem in it that i hadn't read before:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YDLwivcpFe8


in fact i don't remember reading o'hara
and i get such a clear picture
of the man
who inspired the poem
st. sebastian in the orange shirt
from art history

i'm glad i saw it just for finding o'hara

i had this great dream that i'm trying to coherent-ify so i can tell you about it

but
sneak peek
that musician i'm always telling you about
he made a film and an album set
the film was a long visual collage
of people
in parades
or protesting
or at festivals
or crazy people
with no monologue or dialogue
just
looking at them
sometimes in long uncomfortable stretches
sometimes in jump cuts
it was very avant guarde
there was some talking or ambient sound
but
it was mostly the soundtrack album
which did the talking

some people said:
he's crazy
some people said:
he's a genius

some people thought the film was genius
but didn't care one way or another about the music

some people thought the songs were brilliantly
getting into the heads of crazy people
some people thought:
he just can't think coherently anymore
what a shame


i listened to it
and
this is one of the parts i'm having trouble describing
it was like i could see into his head
like i could see his thought processes
and
it was like the brush strokes
on a monet or something

i'm not sure this is going to get more coherent

there was one song
called what if
that simultaneously homaged
speculative fiction
time travel
and
delusional thinking
which was brilliant

i know
i was in a wood paneled bookcase lined room
when i was listening to this
the books were very important
and i was moving them somewhere

what was going on with me was not so coherent

and
i don't know
if this dream is predictive
or if it's telling me something
about what i should be thinking or writing or doing

and there is more i'm trying to remember


i love you
take good care of yourself
you're very dear to me