I'm home safe

I sit in the car with the air conditioner blasting and open the tarot app on my phone.  One card reading-- question:  what can I expect from this today;  answer:  wheel of fortune.  Interesting.

I get out of the car.  It's hot.  I turn the corner and walk towards the crystal.  I approach two people who appear to be a couple, older than me.  If you're happy and ya know it the man says;  I smile and continue walking;  just keep walking he says like that is the way the song goes, which it isn't.  I stop, I smile again.  I explain that I'm early so I'm just walking around. 

"Left-hand door is open-- go on in the cool".

But I don't.  I head on down to the coffee shop, which I do not believe is open, but I am a three day regular and I am game to make it four.  As I walk up a woman has just gotten out of her car walked to the door and is now turning away.  She looks familiar but I can't place her.

"They're closed?"

"Yes."

I explain that I was talking to them the previous day and they were soft launching for the festival and then closing for two weeks to finish construction.  I hadn't really thought they would be open, but had wanted to check.

"They had really good coffee, though."

"Yes, they did.  Oh well, next year."

(I need to go to sleep and I don't think I want to reveal this at this point in the story, but it was Anna Canoni Woody Guthrie's granddaughter who has just taken over from her mother as president of the foundation.  I had just read about the retirement and changing of the guard and there was a picture, that's where I recognized her from.)

OK

THAT was awesome 

I'm probably writing 

MORE than one thing

&

the working title

of one

is

the REDEMPTIVE power of RED DIRT 

good morning sweetheart 💋 

I'm pretty happy 

I don't know 

whether that makes sense 

BUT 

no crying at all

I've overheard 

the hootenanny is

like the best part

SO

I'm NOT missing THAT 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart ❤️

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much ❤️

👾🫚

I watched you

without you knowing 

I think 

&

I'm not gonna lie 

I'm gonna think about it 

at night alone

there's something in the way you move

I had cookies 

for dinner

AND

they were maybe the best

peanut butter cookies 

I've ever had

AFTER 

I ate them

I read the ingredients 

(that is not the order I usually use)

they have no flour

SUGAR

PEANUT butter 

EGGS 

the drive back

was a little scary

I'm definitely writing you

SOMETHING 

I gotta say, though 

I'm pretty happy 

right now

I think 

this place is kinda healing 

shoulda

brought a chair maybe

I hope 

that, on balance

I haven't 

been

disappointing

I think I managed to sleep 

maybe 30 minutes 

it's nicely breezy 

&

did you hear

someone tried to shoot

the human cheeto 

BUT 

they were unsuccessful 

I LOVE you VERY much 💋

I'm gonna try to take a nap

I've never had much luck with that 

BUT 

hopefully 

🤠

AND

in case ANY

of that

SOUNDED discouraging

OR

BAD

it wasn't meant to 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I'm sorry for my

well, maybe sorry is the wrong word

I am NOT trying to be 

ANY kind of way

I'm doing my best

& I wish

I could just

ask you to physically WITNESS 

your LOVE upon me

BUT 

I'm not there YET 

YOU are 

in no way lacking

I'm NOT going away 

YOU are in my SOUL 

AND

I am NOT sure 

if ANY

of this is right 

AND

I am NOT sure 

HOW I feel about the different 

HYPOTHESES 

there's a WAY 

that you

MIGHT 

have been asking me

back in February 

a question 

you thought I wanted to have you ask

BUT in a different way 

than I meant it

& then it hurt you

that I didn't 

understand 

& all that I can say is

there is a way 

that I wish I was easier 

&

there is a way that

if either of us

was less complicated 

neither of us 

would

be all that interested

I HOPE 

I haven't insulted you 

with any of this

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

AND

part of WHY

I'm continuing 

is that dream I had

where you

very timidly kissed me

like you wanted to

but it was kinda scary 

you were shy

vulnerable 

you WANTED something 

I believed

more or real or something 

but since then

it occurred to me 

that MAYBE 

you

instead

wanted for me

to FEEL the realness of 

what is

so not anything changing

BUT 

my perception of what it all means 

if that makes sense 

LIKE 

not want something else 

when what we have

is already

BETTER 

(continuing)

SOMETIMES 

I think 

you

are waiting for me

to make some

DEMAND 

or offer or whatever 

because I'm the one

with special needs

that you can

accept

or reject

(continuing)

you may 

or may not know

& you may or may not

do this or something like it 

BUT 

I make up

you could call em 

little stories

OR

you could call em 

hypotheses 

about what you want

& MOSTLY 

I THINK 

that you're not entirely certain 

what you want 

from me

BUT 

sometimes I engage in

sort of

inductive logic

PROBABLY 

I'm BETTER further AWAY 

& SLIGHTLY abstracted

AND

LOVE or PASSION or whatever 

can be cleanly exchanged

with the ever tantalizing 

POSSIBILITY 

BUT 

no demands 

(continuing)

good morning sweetheart 💋 

goodnight sweetheart 💋

I LOVE you VERY much ❤️

👾🫚

I've got you are my sunshine 

stuck in my head

BUT 

when I looked it up

it's got all these

SAD overtones

that I forgot about 

I'm not hearing those in my head

BUT 

now that I looked it up

I may have to watch

O brother where art thou

AGAIN 

AND I feel like I should CLARIFY-- I'm NOT saying that I never hurt anyone's feelings, I absolutely do, but I'm not doing it on purpose and I feel bad about it.  Sometimes I try to correct it and sometimes I don't, depending.  My personality type is supposed to lean towards people-pleasing, but the consensus seems to be that I lean BLUNT.  I used to have people following me around that I didn't like, in fact, sometimes disliked intensely, who thought we were friends.  My assessment of the situation was that I was nicer to them than their "other" friends, so I rethought my behavior.  I think it's more beneficial to have someone who you can count on to tell you what you need to hear, rather than just blowing smoke up your ass, and other personality factors, I'm sure.  But I skew blunt.  Therapist picked up on it pretty quickly.

I think he lumps it in with being "authentic" which he keeps telling me I am, but it feels a little buzz-word to me, and how would he actually know that I'm like this with everyone else-- I mean, I think I am, but how would he know.

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much ❤️

👾🫚

Let me start by saying I THINK I'm a reliable narrator, but I'm not exactly objective.  When I was in college I started asking people to give me feedback about my flaws and such, but it never SEEMED to me that they were offered up in the spirit they were requested-- so I stopped asking.

I'm finally, many years later, in therapy, and I kinda wish my therapist was a little more critical.  I KNOW there's SOMETHING wrong with me, but he's not being very, like, out with it, ya know.  

You're VERY focused on meaning, he says, but what does that actually mean, ya know.  I have less and less of a tolerance for being around other people.  And, I mean, one thing that it actually does mean, my focus on meaning, is that I tell him about the things people say to me that are sort of hurtful and then I say, "but I think what they mean by that is...".  Like it SEEMS hurtful, but they really mean this thing that maybe isn't all that hurtful, or they don't really understand where I'm coming from-- which can you blame them because I'm so out of left field.

MOSTLY I try not to let things bother me, especially if they aren't meant to hurt me, but sometimes I don't know what they mean, and those things can be a little wild card-ish.  For example today, I'm not feeling well, my head hurts, and I'm irritated with no specific reason, and out of the blue I remember something that someone I don't care at all about said-- like almost twenty years ago-- that I'm pretty sure was meant to hurt my feelings.  Now, the fact that it was meant to hurt my feelings makes it stand out, because I really don't understand the desire to hurt someone else's feelings.  But the thing that really makes it stand out MORE is that I don't really understand what they MEANT.

She was commenting that I liked Bill Maher (who had a show at the time) and how he was a big-headed narcissist, with some sort of implication.  I always evaluate any criticism, but, in this case, I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be the narcissist or if the guy I liked was supposed to be a narcissist.  My analysis said neither was the case, but it's still like an open cold case in my brain that pops up for review occasionally.  She was a psychological professional, so it had to be evaluated more seriously, and my take away was-- WOW if you're going to sh*t on your profession by hurling insults at strangers to try to show support for your friend you could at least make CLEAR the insult.  Why are you not better at insults.

SEE, I'm SURE that is not normal.

Today I'm in a small town which is not my own and I went into a shop thinking that if I could spend some money in there it would be good-- not that I'm trying to waste money, but, ya know, small business support and whatever.  So I talked to them and they seemed nice and I spent seventeen bucks which isn't much, but I didn't NEED what I bought, I mean, I'll use it, it's soap.  But as I walked out, I saw something hanging on the wall that made me deeply regret spending my money THERE-- a t-shirt that said I'm voting for the felon 2024.

(not sure what's next, but continuing)

good morning sweetheart 💋 

well

I got some good quantity

of sleep

which is awesome

because I feel like

I have been

having a hard time with THAT for a while

idk if that's the meno

or just overactive mind

or what

& I've been giving myself 

ATTITUDE 

for a while too

LIKE 

no matter what I'm scheduled to do

I don't want to do it

EVEN if I specifically 

WANT to do that thing

CONTRARINESS 

or just RESISTANCE to

PEOPLE, PLACES, & THINGS

is MAYBE a fall-back

OVERWHELM

AND 

MAYBE 

therapy has made me more focused

on psychological sh*t

MURAKAMI analysis

I'm looking at you

(NOT YOU, my analysis ME, understand)

I LOVE you 

AND

I want to CLARIFY something 

I AM AWARE

I WANT 

CONTRADICTORY things

I KNOW 

I have not resolved HOW 

all the things I want

could possibly 

WORK

at the same time 

I KNOW 

there is a way that

I'm just CONFUSING as f*CK

I get it

at least part of any frustration 

I may ever feel towards you

is more appropriately 

directed at myself

I haven't figured out 

all the answers

&

I tend to think

YOU SHOULD have figured them out

because you are

a few years older

& MUCH 

MORE EXPERIENCED

BUT 

THAT probably isn't FAIR 

BUT 

I guess 

if I waited

until I knew what the f*CK was going on 

EVERYTHING 

would go SO MUCH SLOWER

AND

EVERYTHING already feels

GEOLOGICALLY paced

SO

we'll just SEE

TRYING for a whole

NO PRESSURE -- GRATITUDE vibe

but I'm wanting to hide under the covers

& not be out in the world

SO

THAT is what today looks like

FORCING myself to be OPEN to FUN

🙄 sheesh

MAYBE 

the THING 

murakami does

that feels so familiar 

is his

state of FLUX 

figuring himself out 

from the outside in, sort of

the rhythmical way

that slight dissociation 

becomes

MEDITATIVE 

does THAT make SENSE 

I'm trying to 

put it into WORDS 

goodnight sweetheart 💋

I LOVE you VERY much ❤️ 

👾🫚