Not schizophrenic
Interested in psychological topics
I don't want to go to sleep
I did get up this morning
I did
But then I had a headache
Which in fairness there has been some weather
It rained pretty much all day yesterday and it rained all night and I think it was still raining this morning
Anyway I had a mild migraine and I just was like f*** it I don't need to get up for anything so I went back to sleep and I didn't even really mean to go back to sleep I just wanted to lay down in the dark with my eyes shut
But guess what
That led to sleeping
So I don't know I got up at 1:30 or something
And I said I would go to the studio tomorrow
And that I would drive myself
But I already don't want to go to sleep and I don't want to get up and I don't want to go
So I don't know what that's about
Is that depression
Is that avoidance
No so proud of myself that I got up at 8:00 on was that Friday is that Saturday I'm not sure which day it was I think it was Friday
And I was like yay I'm getting myself back on track
So at least part of me wants to be on track
But I don't
I don't want to go out in the sun
I don't want to interact with my mother
Or other people at all
And I'm saying stuff to myself like no
I do not feel emotionally strong enough to deal with other people today
So if I wake up with a headache how am I going to know if it's psychosomatic or not
I guess I'm taking my I don't feel emotionally strong enough to do with other people today thing as just total b******* but I guess that might not be total b*******
If a lot of my not feeling well was hormonal I could legitimately be having some mood issues that would make me not want to interact with people and my mother is not the easiest person to interact with if I'm at all touchy there could be problems
I don't know
I don't know whether it makes any sense to be stern with myself and say you have to go or whether it just makes sense to say you know if you don't feel like going maybe you shouldn't go
I just wish it was possible to know exactly what's going on with me like if it is hormonal or if it is related to the shot or if it's just depression or or what it is I would really like to be able to identify what exactly is going on with my brain
Because something is out of whack
And I tell you what My hair is getting dirty really fast I just washed it like I don't know four or so days ago and it is just really dirty
And I feel simultaneously like I have too much hair and like I don't have enough hair like normally I would wear it all pulled back but I don't really have enough hair to effectively pull it back now so I can't wear it like that I don't really like it all down I keep being tempted to shave the back of it but I really don't think that's something I want to do on my own but I kind of do
So I don't know I guess I feel like I don't really have as much control over my
Is it emotions is that what I mean to say
I don't I'm not like in a bad mood exactly
I mean the most accurately I can put it as I feel out of sorts
But that doesn't really tell you anything
My cat is coming and asking me can we please go the f*** to bed He's exhausted He's exhausted all the time because I keep him up all night
You'd have to say keep him up in air quotes though because he's asleep most of the time but I guess that isn't good sleep that doesn't qualify as good sleep
I don't know I can't tell you right now whether I'm going to go tomorrow or not what I really want to do is write a story
I don't have any particular story I want to write
I don't have a story that's burning to come out of me
I just really want to write something
But I don't know I don't know if I can
And I suppose if I called my mother in the morning and told her I wanted to stay home and write she would be like oh good cuz she wants me to be a writer even though she doesn't want to read any of my stuff but then if I don't manage to get anything written I'll feel guilty
Or I could just tell her that I'm having mood issues and I don't feel like I can be civilized around people and she won't understand that and she'll be unhappy and it'll have some later repercussions
But I'll feel like I was honest
So I don't know I have to make myself go to sleep
I don't think I feel depressed
Anyway I'm going to go to sleep or I'm going to try I don't feel very sleepy
Don't encourage me to write cuz I don't want it to go away again it's pretty fickle about being pushed and it hasn't actually started back full on
I love you very much sweetheart
I guess I'll see how I feel in the morning and then I'll figure out what I'm going to do
But I guess if I don't feel like I can be nice to people then there's no point in starting a big problem
My cat is a real pain in the ass he is giving me this look alike that I need to get it together
I've had to reinstitute the water gun because he's been yeah I don't trust him anymore since he cut me that time and I didn't stop bleeding right away even though I'm not as far as I know taking any thing that should be thinning my blood I just really scared me and I decided that I was spoiling him and then he needed to learn to pave so I've been shooting him with the water gun pretty frequently when he acts like he's going to do anything
And he's pretty much just taking it in stride
I mean sometimes he lies and it's like I just came over for pets mommy why are you shooting me with the water gun and he rubs against my leg and stuff
And sometimes you just kind of stand there and it's like settle you got b**** but he doesn't cut me so whatever
He is extremely bossy though
I really wish you'd cut that out
But I'm starting to be more bossy and aggressive with him I used to be more bossy with my cats it's just I got in the habit of being a helicopter mother with buzz because he had health issues and special needs and whatever and then I didn't kind of go back to my previous ways but this cat needs a little bit more of a firm hand otherwise he is kind of a bully
It's just kind of interesting because he's very sweet when he's being sweet and he's very bossy and aggressive when he's being bossy and aggressive and he just has a much broader range of mood and emotion and supposedly that's really common with orange stripy cats
But the only orange stripy cat I've really had is piglet and he wasn't like that at all he was very timid but he'd had some kind of trauma in his kitten hood
Anyway I got off on a tangent
I love you
I haven't reached any kind of post pandemic equilibrium
But I guess we're not really post-pandemic
But everybody's kind of acting like we are
And maybe that's part of my problem
But I feel like I kind of need to get my s*** together
And I feel like I'm kind of not
And so then any any inclination I have to be lenient with myself feels suspect
But you know my body is perfectly willing to make me physically ill to avoid doing things I don't want to do so it really isn't beneficial to be too hard on myself because it doesn't yield a good result either
And I'm just not sure that the days of whipping myself up into a frenzy where I pull through everything and just kind of do what I'm told I'm just not sure that that those days are coming back you know
Anyway I'm going to have to figure out some way to get back in the swing of daytime or else I'm just going to have to figure out some way to work in the night time and I don't see how that's going to work out if what I want to do is go paint at the studio with my mom I really need to do that in sunlight which is not in the middle of the night so I don't know
I'm just in a little bit of a mood I guess
I just put on some more cream
Hopefully that'll help
Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋
