I've been watching a lot of the Abraham Hicks videos and I've been just kind of liking the ones that I like but I just went back and rewatched them and there's a pattern to them that I didn't realize there was

And I'm not saying that the fact that there's a pattern doesn't mean anything but it wasn't a conscious pattern

I'm not unhappy

I was just in kind of a little bit of a blahness

And I was trying to ramp it up a little

I did my taxes today

And I hate doing taxes

And I knew it was going to be more complicated cuz I figured they would make the unemployment compensation exemption thing

Trickier than it needed to be

And I was reading the directions and or instructions rather

And tax instructions just don't get any easier ever do they I mean I know they're writing them in a way that they think is clear

But I don't find them to be all that clear

Anyway I watched YouTube video and it explained it really clearly and then I read through the directions I mean the instructions and that seemed to be right and actually it it looked right I didn't really doubt the guy where I would have watched more people explain it

But I had intended to do them on Sunday

But my direction was to stay in bed

And then I snapped that it was mother's Day which I mean I knew it was mother's Day cuz I gave my mother s*** on Friday for mother's Day but when I snapped that it was mother's Day I was like oh yeah that probably was a good day to stay in bed

Cuz I usually find it kind of triggering

I mean not as triggering as when I was working and you know all the guys that would be checking out middle-aged guys or whatever would be wishing me happy mother's Day it's like yeah I'm not a mother

But of course you're a woman and you're old You must have had kids right must have

I can remember being in the grocery store when I was 23 and some guy in the grocery store was asking me something about my kids and I'm like I don't have any kids I'm too young to have kids and he's like how old are you and I'm like 23 and he's like no that's exactly when you're supposed to have kids and I'm like oh no it's not

But of course that's how old my mother was when she had me

But I mean no wonder everybody so f***** up

23 is a child

23 is not mature enough to have children

I mean whatever I don't even know if I'm mature enough to have children now really

Anyway so I stayed in bed

And I kept switching back and forth between these three paintings

I think

If they were just color studies

I was just thinking about how calming and relaxing it was

But then I woke up and I went back to sleep trying to kind of meditate

And I ended up dreaming about my grandmother's house and my cousin and all her friends were living there but they were young she's like 48 now maybe maybe she'll be 49 in November and I haven't talked to her I don't know for a long time

Her mother my aunt I felt like she just sucked the life out of my grandmother and my grandfather and my aunt Joan I just kind of feel like she killed them all

To be clear

And to be fair

She didn't like technically kill them

But she was part of the reason why I developed a lot of these law of attraction beliefs

Except in reverse

Like I could see her situation and how it was bad and how it was because of like the energy she was putting out and the expectations that she had

Like when she went to u of h and she didn't graduate until she was I don't know probably in her 40s but when she went initially

She was like on the newspaper and the I mean she was like literary everything writing whatever

And she had a column in the paper at one point called strawberry Fields or maybe her byline was strawberry fields I'm not clear

But she had all this potential

And theoretically talent

But she didn't graduate from college she went off to San Francisco to be a hippie and then she had her daughter when she was pregnant with her apparently grand grant and Joan wanted her to have an abortion cuz I mean

Not only was she not married

Not only had she not been able to hold down a job

Not only had she not graduated from college

But she was I think kind of emotionally unstable even at that point and I feel like that just kind of got worse

She was on a bus on her way to the farm

So the story goes

When she realized she was pregnant

I needed to call her family to rally behind her and bring her home

And she totally could have been on the farm with a kid that would have been the best thing for her to be living on a commune I think

I think she would have been independent in a way that she wasn't living at home

and of course she could never really support herself cuz she couldn't keep a job because even though she had all these amazing editing and writing skills and she could type 90 words a minute

She was fat

And she dressed funny

And in her mind all the people in the office were looking at her and talking about her behind her back

And I can remember how much you would talk about this and I could remember as a fairly small child thinking well you know she expects that that's what they're doing and she puts out that vibe and they pick up on that and they go she's weird and they start talking about her

And that was part of how I developed my my theory about it was kind of all in what you projected out to the world and that that was where you needed to really spend your energy in you know didn't matter as much of what you looked like as how you felt about how you looked and what you projected out because that energy was what you were going to get back

And I never was teased or anything in school bullied nothing like that but she was the reason I started developing those kind of beliefs

Now I got to admit it took me a lot longer to come around to the idea that you could put something out into the universe and get it back but it's it's not that far off

And what I was saying was true it was more immediately apparently true The Abraham Hicks stuff it's true

But it's also kind of woo woo you know

I believe in law of attraction

But I think sometimes she takes it a little far

But maybe not

And I'm prepared to believe that my characterizing it as woo woo has held me back

So I've been feeling not bad not sad just kind of meh,  sometimes

So I've been planning to do it Sunday but then I was like well and I was going to do it Tuesday then since I didn't do it well actually no I thought I would start it on Sunday and if I didn't finish it I would finish it on Tuesday but then my mom texted me on Saturday that the elevator was broken at the studio and she wasn't going to go and climb the stairs and then I could go if I wanted to and I thought well no this is a sign from the universe to do it on Monday instead of Sunday and to sleep in on Sunday

So then my plan was to do it today and if I didn't finish it today I could finish it tomorrow or maybe mail it tomorrow or whatever

Although it's supposed to be thunderstorming again tomorrow so I may not do that but I was thinking it was due the 17th

So I'm like well you know you got a week you should go ahead and start on it cuz it usually doesn't take me that long but I expected it to be a little trickier

But then I realized

I'm probably going to get a refund this time

And I don't think I've gotten a refund

For like 15 years or something

And I haven't ever really gotten very large refunds

Because I don't let them take out any extra I only just let them take out what they need to

So like some people are you know having them take out extra and they end up getting bunches and bunches of money back but you know I think I only would get maybe $100 or $150 back at the most

At the world market I think I actually might have done something wrong which had them take out not quite enough not quite sure how but so then when I started getting dividends from Starbucks which they never used to pay but they started well then that money was extra so I would always owe a little bit and never get a refund so then I wasn't all that anxious to do them because I wasn't going to get any money back

But this time I will

And so when I started thinking about that I started thinking oh well I want to do because it'll be kind of exciting to see how that is supposed to be done and it'll be exciting to see how much money I'm going to get

And I enjoy typing into the form I don't really understand why but I really enjoy typing into the form

But then before I exit the page I go back and delete everything off of it I sort of think that it's not going to stay anyway but I go back and delete it anyway just in case

But I have been in kind of a strange mood off and on

And I feel like I'm kind of out of sync

I mean that's not new I've been struggling with whole sleep during the day sleep during the night thing it's ongoing

I read a newspaper article online and I'm trying to remember now what the new source was and I can't remember but it was something I considered to be a credible news source it wasn't like anything sketchy

And it said that 10% of the old people 27% of the population generally and 34% of young people are not intending to get vaccinated and it gave an age range for the young people and I want to say it was like 18 to 24 but I'm not 100% sure of that number and I mean I guess that's believable but it's a little distressing I mean the 10% of old people you know are probably mostly either people who were Trump followers or people who are susceptible to the same kind of suspicion conspiracy theory mindset

And same thing for the 27% general population

But the 34% of young people kind of surprised me but what excited amongst the young people because apparently it kind of surprised the person writing the article as well since you know you're explaining away the 10% and the 27% I assume the author was explaining them away roughly the same way I was explaining them away although they didn't say that explicitly but they didn't seem to find it hard to believe

But of course you think of the young people that's being more liberal and more community-minded and

Maybe more rational or realistic or something

At least I like to think they are

But they cited you know they're not really being sure that they needed the shot because you know they weren't probably going to get it and that they were worried that the side effects of the vaccine would be really really bad

And I just kind of surprised me a little bit

I mean even the people that have really bad side effects you know it's just for a few days I think there might be a few people that have had like extended bouts of fever and whatnot and I mean I'm not going to lie I had a week of not feeling very well and I don't know if it was all due to the vaccine or if some of it was due to hormones or whatever but you know I didn't feel great but it wasn't like being sick I mean I didn't run a fever or you know feel like I was going to die or anything and I would think the protection from covid would be worth a little bit of discomfort

I mean I still don't feel like I'm completely safe because there are a lot of variants and I don't know that I'm protected from all the variants I still balk at the idea of flying

Although I have seen some sales for like $50 Southwest tickets I don't know if that's still going on that might have been like a month ago and I saw something about getting a lot of frequent flyer miles or something although I don't have a flyer mile program but somebody was giving away like 40,000 frequent flyer miles or something it might have been Southwest

I do feel safer

But I don't feel safe

Even though I've been vaccinated

And I hope you've been vaccinated

I still don't really know what they're doing in your state

But here they've gone from their initial position of you know just old people to they opened it up for people 50 and over and I immediately signed up and got my shot that next week and then the next week I think they opened it up to anybody

And then

They were like you don't even need an appointment just show up at one of the vaccine locations so I guess they weren't having more vaccines than they had people who wanted them

And I know they're doing like 18 and up but they may have started doing younger ages I'm uncertain I know they've done some testing on teenagers and I read that's really bad again I don't remember what the new source was that they've done tests now and they think that the vaccine is like 95% effective on 12 and up young people

But I don't think they've tested it on younger than 12 I'm not sure maybe they're still in the trials of testing it on people younger than 12

But apparently Canada is locking down again because they have a shortage of vaccine and I feel like it's possible that we now have a surplus of vaccine so we really ought to help them somebody I know was talking to somebody they know somewhere in Canada I don't know where they live and they got their first shot in March or April they're basically they're already due for their second shot and they're not scheduled to get it till September but I don't know I mean I don't think you're supposed to go that long so I think that's going to make their vaccine less effective

And on my Abraham Hicks videos that I'm watching tonight maybe they aren't on the Abraham Hicks no no they're not on the Abraham pics I was watching somebody do what's in my purse video and something else about purses so okay so not self help but I've seen ads twice that are GOP ads talking about how Nancy pelosi is going to screw with a drug companies and they're not going to be able to invent new technology and I'm like yeah I think if the Democrats are going to screw with a drug companies that's not what they're going to be f****** with I think what the Democrats wanted to do was pursue the price gouging situation

But the sad is like telling me to call Lizzy Fletcher and tell her to stop Nancy pelosi

And it made me want to call Lizzie Fletcher and say how can I help

Because if these people want me to call you and stop you you must be doing something good

I don't know

See that's what I'm talking about All that stuff I was just talking about That's not happy positive bringing the good to me thoughts

That's I'm a little worried about the world thoughts

And I'm not going to be able to stop having those so I'm just trying to feed in as much good stuff as I can

The cat wants to be fed again