Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

 i love you very much sweetheart

i'm sorry i've been so twitchy

possibly i'm hormonal

whatever

if i've freaked you out at all

i'm really sorry

i think i've already explained how i get

Goodnight sweetheart

I love you

very much 💋

happy birthday bob dylan

 i'm not crazy about the vocal interpretation on this

but

there's something about the guitar

it's minimal

yet

intense

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

these aren't right, but they're a place to start

http://www.houstonfoodexplorers.com/2017/05/tex-mex-felixs-chile-con-queso-recipe.html 

https://www.woodland-heights.org/news/2018/8/28/recipe-felix-mexican-restaurant-chile-con-queso

http://bestcookideas.com/mexican/9987-felix-mexican-restaurant-queso-recipe.html

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

 i love you sweetheart

i'm going to sleep now

the weather is still weird

the wind has been howling

and there has been some rain

there were fronts supposed to bump into one another

and

maybe it was going to be weather-pocalypse-y

not sure if that's happened yet

head still hurts

kinda bored with that

goodnight sweetheart

i love you very much

Goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much 💋

I know we've had discussions well we haven't had discussions I've had discussions for us about pizza

And I don't like I've never liked thin crust pizza which is what I think New York Pizza is but I've never had pizza in New York so I might not be right about that

And when I went to Chicago and had Chicago pizza you know I liked it it's good

But it's not really

What I thought Chicago pizza was

It's very dense and you can eat like about one piece of it

It is literally a pizza pie

Now when I was growing up I got something and it was my favorite that was called here deep dish Chicago style pizza

And it had a lot of crust

But the crust was very airy on the inside and very crispy like almost burnt on the outside

And it came out in these big cast iron pans

And I think I got it at Pizza Hut cuz I think that was pretty much where we went was Pizza Hut

Although there was briefly

Some sort of pizza place in the mall

But then at some point I stopped going to Pizza Hut and I don't know if that is still a thing they have there or not

What I've been getting for my adult life basically is pizza from local pizza places

and they're not really making claims to be any particular kind of pizza generally they're just pizza and they have thick crust and thin crust and I get thick crust

But it's like a hand tossed crust so it's kind of thick on the edge but it's not that thick on the inside and it's okay it's chewy it's good I like it

But I don't like any of it as well

As that kind of airy focaccia like

Thick crust

With that like very crispy very crispy edge

And then toppings and stuff on top

Well I think I have now found out that that is actually a kind of pizza

It's not Chicago Pizza

Because apparently Chicago has two kinds of pizza the Chicago deep dish and really really thin crust pizza called pub style pizza

And those are both things that you know I mean I could see the thin crust pub style pizza being good if you're in a pub and you're drinking and you need a little something but you don't want like heavy food right that thin thin crust that's mostly about the toppings would probably be perfect if you're in a sports bar and you're drinking a beer and watching something on TV

But I couldn't see order in that taking it home cuz bleh it's thin crust

And the deep dish I could see maybe a spinach deep dish spinach and cheese with a lot of garlic I could see that maybe being really good what I had wasn't that I think I had it before I was a vegetarian so I think it probably had Italian sausage and cheese

And it was super duper dense it was tasty it was really tasty but it was super duper dense and I can't see not more than you know a few times a year

But it turns out this kind of pizza that I ate when I was a kid that I really loved that I missed have missed all these years it turns out that's an actual kind of pizza

It's Detroit Pizza

Which I didn't even know was a thing

And this is a silly thing to write a blog about I guess but I'm just kind of excited

It doesn't even look that hard to make

No don't get me wrong I'm not going to make it accurately because I don't want Monterey Jack style cheese

I mean Monterey Jack is perfectly serviceable cheese Don't get me wrong if you only are going to be able to get one cheese and you need it to kind of work for whatever you might want to use cheese for then Monterey Jack is a safe bet but I'm not that big of a fan

I'm pretty sure the pizza I grew up eating had both mozzarella and cheddar

And pepperoni

But I don't really even though I have started eating meat again I don't really eat things like pepperoni cuz my guts can't really handle that and I don't really like them anymore I would probably not put meat on pizza

Or if I was going to put meat I would probably put like a turkey Italian sausage

But you know what I would probably do rather than putting a red sauce on the pizza is that would probably put pesto I really like pesto pizza it would probably put pesto with some little strips of sun-dried tomato and a lot of mushrooms maybe some green olives and some jalapenos maybe some garlic

But I think that on that focaccia kind of crust would be really really tasty

They've extended the flash flood warning through the weekend because they don't want us to ever leave the house again and that's not fair it's okay to leave the house it's been raining kind of off and on it's just that everything is very very saturated and so you know if it starts raining hard it only takes about 15 minutes for stuff to start flooding and that's partially because you know there's nowhere for the water to sink in but it's also because when it rains hard here it really really rains hard

I mean I was in LA one time and it was raining and it it been raining a lot as far as for how long it had been raining but it was like just above mist like the kind of rain that no one would bother with an umbrella well probably some people would bother with an umbrella but you know

And I thought about it later and maybe the reason why it was so freaky in addition to the fact that doesn't usually rain maybe it just takes a little tiny bit of rain before they start getting mudsl ides I mean that's possible

Maybe I'm an a****** for not thinking of that

Anyway these random people that I was running into were apologizing to me for the weather being so bad and I'm like this is great weather I don't have a problem with this weather

I mean I guess if you live in LA you expect it to be sunny all the time and not raining

But kind of cool and drizzly is Seattle weather and remember that's one of the places that I think would be amazing to live like everyday is coffee drinking weather That's why they drink so much coffee

Anyway now I've lost my train of thought I remembered the train of thought I was on before I went on to the divergent path about the rain in LA oh yeah I was comparing how when it rains here it's not like that it just opens up and pours well sometimes it rains softly

But that doesn't cause any PTSD

The hard rain really causes me PTSD

At this point

So like I could leave the house

Most of the day it's not raining

And if I was going to go to you know the grocery store or the post office or something close by I would probably be able to get there and back without danger

But you know anything that's more than 15 minutes away you've got to be prepared to stay there

It's kind of a strange way to live

But anyway my point was maybe after I can leave the house again I will get those ingredients and try to make that pizza because that looks really good to me although I don't have one of those fancy pans

I've got pans

And the difference between having the perfect pan and having an adequate pan is maybe only going to affect the quality of the crispiness of the crust

I think I can probably deal

I feel kind of sad about Detroit

I mean when I was growing up Detroit was you know one of the great American cities

And okay I didn't know anybody there and I didn't really have any desire to go there but you know you'd like see the Thanksgiving Day parade on TV and you know part of it would be broadcast from Detroit cuz that's you know America

And now Detroit is kind of like the wild wild West in a way

At least that's my take on it

I mean I don't really want to live in Detroit

But I wouldn't mind till like have the Detroit experience so I could kind of I don't know write about it

Maybe I wouldn't like that

Maybe I wouldn't write about it

And maybe I could get the experience well enough from other sources

I tend to always think all you need to live things before you can write about them but then sometimes even though you love them you can't really write about them

And I still kind of want to write about my native American spirit guide group

So I'm continuing to kind of think about that but I don't know I'm just not sure exactly how that integrates in

I'm super duper sad about not being native American

I mean I can remember saying things when I was younger like you know that I wished every drop of my blood that was not native American could be drained out of me

Because that was all I wanted to identify with

Even though I couldn't

I didn't have any tribal affiliations so you know I didn't count

And you know

I've looked at several things like you know

Cher

She was kind of billed all through the '70s as being native American

And she kind of you know look native American

But I saw something recently I was reading about her and her native American she got through her mother who is as white as I am

Her father is like Armenian or something

So whatever but you know

When I think about it it makes me sad

But I would still like to find a way to write about it not about my being sad but about the spirit guides and Quetzalcoatl

Anyway just thoughts

Looks like I'm getting some spotting

So I guess I'm going to have a period

Hopefully the fact that it's only been like three three and a half months will mean they won't be super weird

I'm going to sleep for a little while now

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

Well I'm all the way turned around on the sleeping again

And I had very strange dreams

I was working I guess at a Starbucks

Cuz they were frappuccinos

But the flavors were all different and the recipes were all different and there was some tea drink or had to add espresso shots to the tea

Which struck me as kind of gross

And there was a girl who was saying that she had a really stressful morning cuz I'd made her run the shift and I didn't make her run the shift

I just didn't run the shift

But I did make a lot of coffee

And frappuccinos

I guess that's what I mostly did

And then there was this other girl that was working the register

And she kept like I guess making hints that she was non-binary and or gay

And she might have been flirting with me I'm not real sure I was too busy

And then the manager came out of the back

After the whole rush and everything had slowed down

And told me that I had taken out a box of plastic explosives and I needed to bring it back

And I didn't really know what she was talking about

And I didn't really understand why we would have plastic explosives anyway

But I didn't seem to be like as concerned about it as it seems like the whole idea of plastic explosives would have warranted

She didn't call him positive explosive she called it something else

So maybe it wasn't exactly plastic explosives I don't know but that's what my awake minds interpreted it as

I woke up several times to pee

But my head hurts so bad I just went back to bed

And I'm not sure if I said already but the weather has now calmed down

I don't know if it's done

But it's not doing anything right now

I did get some written on that comedy but I said I was going to write

It's not finished

And I need to go back through it and do it aloud

To see if it's working at all

My theory about comedy

Well I got a bunch of theories about comedy

But one of my theories about a good comedy bit is that

Like it comes back around to itself

So you end kind of back in the place you started in an unexpected way

Or you seem to meander away from your original topic but then you somehow bring it back in a way that is satisfying so it's got this kind of structural loop and it's cathartic

I first developed that theory from watching Bill Hicks

And the one that I remember him doing was really strange he started off kind of describing himself as a hate stylist

And then he went through this whole kind of thing

About human interaction and Houston and what not the high point of which in my memory was he was talking about traffic and how people rubberneck and he screamed I mean so loud he screamed and of course that was not that uncommon of a thing at that point because of oh s*** what's his name really famous comedian who was based out of Houston crucified himself in a diaper on top of a stop and go it'll come to me I can't remember but he was very famous for screaming

So Bill Hicks screaming wasn't you know that odd because of the screaming it was odd because he was generally very you know kind of chill

So he's talking about the rubberneckers and then all of a sudden he's like

Go she's dead go

And it was just so jarring that was extra funny but then somehow at the end he worked his way back around to hate stylist

And I mean I'm not saying that was his greatest work is just what I saw

That led me to develop that theory

And then of course there are all these people who are doing comedy they are really that funny

And so I'd be trying to ascertain what is it makes a difference between somebody who's really funny and somebody who's not that funny

And I think delivery is a lot of what makes it funny

Like that's not a revelation everybody knows deliveries important but my point is

That maybe delivery is more important than what you're actually even saying

And I played around with that idea in my head for a long time but I never really had a good proof

and you know it's not like I'm spending all my time analyzing comedy it's just you know something that's happening in the background and for a while there I wasn't really watching a lot of comedy so I didn't have a lot of stuff activating that

But then I saw that Ali Wong routine baby Cobra and it just made me laugh so hard that I almost wet myself and that's unusual for me

Mostly when I watch comedy shows I'm only mildly amused I'm not you know just full on guffawing

And that one actually covered a lot of material that I was uncomfortable with

Which normally kind of shuts it down for me

And so then I went and looked at some earlier comedy that she had done and to me it was not nearly as funny I mean it was still largely funny but it wasn't making me laugh out loud

But she wasn't doing the faces

And she wasn't doing the voices

And I mean you know there's a way in which the voices could be considered

I don't know like in bad taste

Because they're imitating an ethnic accent that she doesn't actually herself have

And in the most you know politically corrective terms that's not really something you should do

But it makes it better it makes it funnier

Not so much because it's an ethnic accent and we're making fun of the ethnic group

Because she isn't exactly doing that I mean she is a little bit but not in a obviously not an a racist way you know more like

Partially in group

But partially just giving the personality to the character

Like I contend that it doesn't need to be an ethnic voice so much as just an unusual voice that gives the character a personality

For me

Now for some people that probably is a racial component because I watched some new guy try to do comedy and he wasn't funny I mean what he was saying technically was pretty funny but he wasn't funny

And he was doing a whole routine about being basically the most Mexican Mexican because his parents' names were both Garcia before they got married and so he was so-and-so Garcia Garcia and then he started talking about I mean so his routine actually contained quite a bit of stereotypical material and quite a bit that you might find somewhat problematical if you were overly politically correct

And the audience wasn't laughing at any of it and it was really funny although it was kind of funny he was like if it had been delivered by somebody who had good delivery it would have gotten some laughs but he was delivering it very just you know spoken word and it wasn't working

And then he had one line where he used like a Chico and the Man kind of delivery

And the whole room laughed

So I mean it's all about

Projecting a character

You got to have lines that are funny

You got to deliver them in a way that's funny

You know what timing and words that are funny as opposed to words that are not funny and going in a certain number of ideas that catch people off guard

You got to have all of those elements

But that is not enough

There's a way that at it's core

No matter how sophisticated it is

There's an element of class clown

You become this other character

And then whether people find you funny or not has a lot to do with how they respond to that character

I think

I've had experiences with people at jobs where they thought I was funny when I wasn't trying to be funny

And I've always found that slightly irritating

Because it's more like they're laughing at you than laughing with you and I never could really figure out what triggered it

Well that's not true I kind of know but I never spent a lot of time analyzing it vis-à-vis comedy

But the reason why it was

Was these were people that were you know pretty basic and were used to communications happening within a certain kind of framework using a certain kind of vocabulary

And I don't fit that framework very well

And I know I don't and I've never really made any big attempts to fit it well but some people have responded with this they find it funny thing

Other people don't really listen to what I'm saying they listen to the first little bit of what I'm saying and then they start responding to that and they haven't listened to everything I've said so they're not responding to what I said they're responding to what they think I must have said based on how I started I find that a lot more irritating than the people who find it funny

And then there you know there are other permutations some of which I've talked about and some of which I haven't

And I suppose a normal person would have just you know tried to talk like a normal person

Also I love slang and turns the phrases and funny accents and things like that and so I tend to kind of collect them and pepper them in

And you know the average person probably uses one or possibly two slang groups

They're not using you know British slang and beaten it slang and you know I mean so and I kind of knew that but I never really took it

I mean I guess I never really thought about it much until I took some kind of an online quiz where they were trying to figure out who you were or something based on slang I don't know and so and I wish I could remember the quiz better because even though it was kind of dumb it was you know all those quizzes are kind of dumb it was so illusortory is that the word I want

I'm not sure that's the word that comes out but like illustrative and expository

But now I'm not sure if that's what elucidatory means or if I just want those oh wow now it said elucidatory and maybe that's the word I want not  illucatory

And that's an example of how not everything that you mispronounce or misuse is because you learned it reading

Some s*** you just don't know what you're talking about and you say a word that kind of sounds like the word you want but it is not in fact the word you want

There's a show that I have been watching off and on that's a role-playing game about vampires and the game master he is a really good game master and I've come very late to this whole role-playing game stuff because when I was younger you know if there was any mention of that I was like yeah I don't think so

Cuz then I'll just went a little too far into nerd town I guess for me

Plus it would involve having to go to people's houses or have them come to your house and be with them for long periods of time and it just didn't sound like that fun

And I still don't think it sounds like fun

But it is kind of fun to watch someone do it who does it well

And this is set up it's about vampires in Pittsburgh and it's just it's just really fun

But he's really good at it He's really good at it

But he like on the regular

Uses words wrong like there's a word he's trying to say but he says a different word that's close

Or he'll do a idiom but he'll mix it up

And those don't really come from reading they come from hearing and not really knowing what the word is you're hearing

And he's not an idiot you know he's

He's got some snap to him

And I didn't know this ahead of time but it turns out he's a comedian

Which I think is part of the reason that it's so fun to watch him

Because he does all the faces and the voices and the timing and you know all that stuff but he's not doing comedy he's doing this

Stream of blood

Vampire The masquerade

Vampires in Pittsburgh

So they're certainly a comedy element to it but it isn't like you know stand up

And I think the people who are doing it with them are largely comedians as well

Or somewhat comedic actors

Anyway that was kind of a long tangent, sorry

I guess what I mean to say is I'm awake now

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

still raining

 ok

i think the tornado threat is over

they extended it to 11

it rained pretty good

the street flooded

it's pretty much drained off now and the rain

has died down to light rain

there is still thunder in the distance

and lightning

so there may be another band of storm

but

they say no

they seem to be extending the flash floor warning

till friday

oh

my point about the lightning

was

power may go out

2000 lightening strikes

in the last 10 minutes

something is up

because

I feel like I'm going to vomit

of course

flash flood warning

Tornado Warning ⚠️

"in your area"

whatever that means

for the next 30 minutes

standby

I'm going to sleep a bit

I guess I'm going to write a comedy bit

that is what I'm told

not sure if it's me

or

the nonphysical chorus

but

it's officially an idea

tennis

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

 i love you sweetheart

Well I did get up

But I had a really bad headache

So I called her and I'm like are we doing this thing today or not

And she's like no we don't do it when the elevator isn't working

And I'm like okay

And hung up and I rolled over and it went back to sleep

And I slept a really long time

I'm at some very weird dreams it didn't make any sense

About being in a safe space

And then some guy who I thought was cool

Telling me I needed to use female hygiene products or something

It was weird and it didn't seem like a dream I would have I've never had anything vaguely like that

And I got up and I scrolled around on social media on my phone and I went downstairs and I got some coffee

I checked Facebook which is only on my computer downstairs not on my phone

And then I started listening to that

I'm a thunderstorms are legit here now

So I got about 25 minutes into that and then it started telling me I was offline

Which probably has to do with the thunderstorms and I can probably get back online without any big problem but

I decided before I started doing all that I'd really like to take a shower

So that's what I'm doing now

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

So I found a house for $58,000

I'm not really in the market for a house

And this house wouldn't really be $58,000 because it needs some serious TLC

But it's kind of got potential well that might not even be true it might not have potential cuz it might have a bad foundation and it might have a bad roof but what it does have

In the backyard

Is a bus

With no wheels

Which for some reason

Is magic

And it's zoned for business and residential

Then I had like this whole little fantasy thing about doing tarot readings in the bus

The house is like $692 ft² or something it's real small

I don't know

I looked at cars too

I got myself all fixated on cars

I don't know I feel like my brain has been a little unmored today

I could spend all over the place

And that didn't equate to anything real coherent to say

I need to go to sleep I was going to go to sleep about an hour and a half ago I think

But then I didn't

I don't know if I'm going to the studio tomorrow or not she texted me something about the elevator being broken again

And all last week the weather said it was supposed to be thunderstorms and it never really did thunderstorm it did rain some

and then today was supposed to be thunderstorms again and it did rain

But it was you know just a light nice rain it wasn't thunderstorms so I don't know what to think

If you get a thunderstorm here you get flooding so I'm hesitant

So I'm going to go to sleep and I'm going to get up and get ready like I'm going

But I don't really know if I'm going

And to be honest with you I think I kind of almost hope I'm not going just because I think I want to do something

I'm not sure what yet

But I feel like something

Something might be happening tomorrow

I really want cake

I don't have any cake

I really want cake

Maybe that's not even true maybe I want like tiramisu or something

I need to pick a manifestation thing

I don't know why it's so difficult

I guess that's pointing up part of the reason why I have trouble with it

When I'm like oh I need a thus or such thing it shows up no problem but I don't really think of those as manifesting

like for example

I'm having some kind of a moment

With the Alice b Toklas cookbook

I saw some reference to it somewhere or no maybe I was looking at the cheap cookbooks on eBay and I was thinking of cookbooks to look for and I had that cookbook back when I used to work for the book stop years and years ago but I never made anything from it and I don't even really remember what was in it but it just came to my mind

And so then I started trying to find out things about it and the only things I could find on YouTube were about the pot brownies recipe that supposedly in there but that's not in the American edition apparently that's just in the English edition

And I found all these cheap paperback versions and really they've got new ones pretty cheap on Amazon too but if I'm going to buy that again I don't really want a paperback you know

Paperback cookbooks they get all torn up and you know sometimes that's fine but you know if you're buying something because it's something you want to have forever then you don't really want a paperback cookbook because when you take it in the kitchen to cook with it it gets all wet and covered with stuff and I mean actually I guess a hardback can too but somehow the hardback will stand up to it a little better and besides you can usually open a hardback and have it stay open whereas a paperback you have to keep touching it and your hands are dirty and whatever anyway it doesn't matter it's not important it's just a thing

So I spent a fair amount of time looking for this book and I did find lots of different additions in lots of different you know paperback and whatever but didn't find any hardbacks

Until I found this one that was like folio society something something in a slipcover and it's a hardback and it was really pretty

But then I was like you know you're just being silly what you're looking for is hardback books you can buy for like $4 and this is like a 60 bucks or something and yeah sure it's a great collectible but you don't need that

And I'm not even thinking of things in terms of oh you don't need to be spending money money is scarce because you know I don't want to be putting that out into the universe and you know whatever I could afford a book

I'm thinking in terms of you know if I want to be pairing back the things I have so that I only have really good stuff and not as much of it

Then you know if I buy something that I don't really need or I don't really want then really all I'm doing is introducing more crap that I'm going to have to get rid of at some point and what's the point of that

So it's not a matter of money it's a matter of

Is this like a really primo thing right

And that folio society addition was really primo thing but I don't know that it's a primo thing that I particularly want you know what does it spark joy Marie kondo style

So I said nope and I didn't buy it

Well now omnivore books has like a first edition well American first American edition from like the fifties or something for $75 and I'm like you know why is this book chasing me around

I mean if I buy it now I really need to buy a British edition that's got the hashish brownies recipe in it cuz come on

Come on

But whatever things

It's easier to manifest things

That isn't really what I want to manifest

But it's supposed to be one thing

And I just don't know what the one thing is

Because I guess what I've really been thinking about manifesting is kind of this whole picture and even that picture hasn't really come into focus and so I'm like okay well this is really pointing up the problem here

But you know I was thinking about it and I was like well you know just pick something

And I'm like okay but I don't want to pick something frivolous I want to pick something that I actually want to manifest

And I just kept thinking and thinking and thinking and I'm like come on it's your life so fabulous but you can't think of anything you want to manifest

And I'm like well maybe

If we're talking things

So I've been kind of halfway thinking about that in the background as I'm doing the other things that I'm doing and it's just not real focused

Anyway

I love you very much

And I really did mean to do more talking today

Just my consciousness was split up a bit

I love you very much sweetheart

and

I'm pretty enthusiastic

about it

💋

this is a different color

I'm going to tell you something then I don't think I've ever told anybody before

And I hear people all the time say things like

Oh if everybody just knew this or that about me

They would hate me

Or they would realize how worthless I am

Or stuff like that

And I don't really get that

I don't feel that way about myself at all

In fact I didn't really have secrets

I mean I guess I had secrets

But kind of not

I mean there were things that I didn't tell most people but usually there were at least one or two people that I would tell those things to

And most stuff about myself if you asked I would just tell you because I wasn't keeping any of it a secret I wasn't ashamed of any of it

But this I don't think I ever told anybody

When I first got out of high school I was very very disdainful of what at that point we called yuppies

Nobody says you yuppie anymore

I'm not sure

If when people say Boomer

That is the same thing

I don't really think it is

But you're old enough to know what I mean when I say yuppies

You're old enough to have heard the phrase die yuppie scum right

So I was very much about that

And it was very disdainful of Richie Rich things

And my bad attitude about richness and money are probably part of the reason why I've never been too financially successful

And I've never been highly motivated by money

But even though

I was all not about Richie Rich stuff

When I graduated from high school and I was working at the bookstop

And it was a pretty affluent area generally

And there were a lot of yuppies

Weren't necessarily technically rich

But there were a lot of Mercedes

Cuz of course that was like 84

And everybody was trying to live beyond their means and so the yuppies were too

Or maybe they could afford them I don't know

But there were a lot of mercedes's

And I was very disdainful of them as well

Because it was all part of that milleu

But secretly

Oh so secretly that I'm only just now telling you

I think unless I told you this before

There was a Mercedes

That I wanted with like a burning passion

I don't know what it was called

It was convertible

And it was like super flat

Like a very thin profile

Not the bigger slightly curvier classic Mercedes

And the color specifically that I wanted

Because it was a specific car and a specific color and I found out what the color was called

Bittersweet

The color was bittersweet it was this amazing kind of orangey caramely cognac kind of color

And I think bittersweet is a plant as well so maybe it's the color of the plant I don't know I didn't know that either at the time I thought bittersweet was just you know like bittersweet chocolate or bittersweet memories or whatever like that

But I wanted that car

I would never have bought that car if I had had well it doesn't make any sense to say I wouldn't have bought it if I had the money because the whole point was that I didn't have the money and if I had the money then I probably would have felt different about money

But it's possible that if somebody was going to give me that car I maybe wouldn't have even taken it because of the amount of disdain I had for that whole kind of culture

Greed is good you know whatever

So I never even admitted to anybody that I thought that car was beautiful and I wanted it bad

And what I ended up getting

Was the very furthest possible thing

One of those k cars

And it was a terrible car

Terrible f*** Lee iacocca

I ended up only having it for like 5 years

And the reason why I got rid of it will actually be traded it in it had already had to have the transmission rebuilt

And I had something else go wrong with it

I can't remember now what it was

But we had like

I say we I mean my mom and I

Had put like $800 or something into the repairs on that car and when we traded it in I think they only gave us like $600 for it

But the reason why we ended up trading it in is that even though it had a new transmission when I would be trying to merge on the freeway it wouldn't speed up and I was afraid every time that the engine was going to seize up or something because it I could feel it behaved really squirrely

And my joke was that the engine was basically a hamster on a hamster wheel anyway but I mean it was terrible terrible car and I hated it

I wanted

Well I wanted the Mercedes

But if it was going to be a Plymouth

I was like please please please can I get a Grand Fury

Which was you know a big steel car I think they were still steal at that point

V8 engine

And it was the car that was at that point pretty commonly used as a cop car across the country so I mean semi indestructible

But those were like 8,000

Instead of like 5,000

So no

And you know

You might say well at least you were getting a new car but I would have been perfectly happy with a used car I would have been more happy with a Volkswagen thing or a karmagia

Or even a beetle

But my mother was bound and determined that I had to have a new car because anything other than new car was not safe and might break down when I was out driving around at night

And I couldn't be in an unsafe situation because I would be

"Hacked to death and thrown in a gutter"

That was like standard thing that was going to happen to me when I was younger

Before I started driving around and going places

For some reason then I wasn't going to be hacked to death and thrown in a gutter

When I was a kid

I was going to be

"Kidnapped and sold into white slavery"

Very dramatic my mother

Anyway it wasn't supposed to be about my mother or my first car experience

It was only supposed to be a confessional about the car that I wanted and was too much of a what would you call that reverse snob

Or is it still snob

Just not a Richie Rich snob

 so forest olive wins

davinci raw sienna deep

schmincke tundra orange

qor raw umber

qor mars orange

schmincke galaxy pink

qor quinacridone magenta

schmincke deep sea indigo

daniel smith sodalite genuine

schmincke forest grey

schmincke forest olive

at home i'm painting with the davinci palette

at the studio

i have qor and schmincke and a very few others

and

i can not get over

how much i love the perylene maroon

and how disapointed i am

when the qor pyrrol red deep

doesn't give me what i really want

they are very similar colors

 goodnight sweetheart

i love you

very much

Ok

So

Because I can't help myself

I'm thinking up another limited palette

this one is not based on color mixing

it's based on

an earthy, granulating palette

I'm firm on 9 of the 10

I'm trying to decide between cobalt teal

which give the palette 2 brights

and which is granulating

and

forest olive

which is earthy and somewhat less granulating

although a "super-granulating" color

gotta go to sleep

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

gotta go to sleep

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Just recently

I had this little thought experiment

If I won the lottery

Like a really big lottery

Where I had enough money that I didn't have to worry about working or anything ever again

Where would I go

What would I do

And as far as places to live

I've lived here this is the only place I've ever lived

And really

Even though this is a very big city

I've never lived more than seven or eight miles from any place else I've ever lived in this city

And I've wanted to leave here

Since I was a teenager

I wanted to get some land off grid on the middle of nowhere and raise goats and bees and plant my own food and whatnot

But I never did that

If I won a bunch of money

Would I do that

I'm not sure

I've been talking about for years going to Marfa and living in a trailer

And I like Marfa

And I'd still like to do that

But I'm not sure I'd want to live there permanently

I've come to the realization that I think

I'd rather be in a blue state

With legalized weed

And I believe that was going to happen soon here

But I'm less and less sure

So then I think overwhelming beauty

That was my number one thing I said I wanted

And then blue state

And then bring the weed

And I would say low cost of living

Although if I want a big battery I don't need low cost of living

Now the place I always said I would love to live and every time I looked into it it was just too expensive

Seattle

Every place else in the world I really don't want to walk I think oh you know that's three blocks That's pretty far

In Seattle I say it's only 17 blocks and it's mostly down hill

The air is just so clean and beautiful

I know I've had little fantasies about having a shop or stall or whatever in the Pike's place market

And maybe I would love that but I don't know

What I went to New York I couldn't handle it I had a hard time leaving the apartment because it was too much psychic energy

Just too many people or something

The idea of going back to New York to see my brother is scary to me

Not just because of the whole deal with seeing my brother

But because New York is actively frightening

Chicago I really liked

But let's be realistic I don't really know Chicago

I never spent more than a couple of days being able to roam around

I've never been there in the cold

I love Chicago

I feel like if I was going to live in a big city

Maybe Chicago

And when I thought about winning the lottery

The first place my mind went to

What's that house in Umbria

I love the stone walls

I love the yard

I love the way that house is set up

But I've never been to Italy

Have no conception at all of what it would be like to live there much less in a suburb of a landlocked province

I don't know

I think about living on an English canal

In a boat

And that seems really cool

Would I get claustrophobic

I have no idea

I think about Australia and Tasmania in Australia and I think I would like those places

I think they're beautiful

And the people seem fun

There are other places

I just don't know

So I mean if someone was asking me

If you won the lottery where would you go what would you do

Maybe I'd travel around a little bit

I've always wanted to see him in ways house

My mother desperately wants to go to Sanibel Island for some reason

I really don't want to fly

So I'm not sure how I was going to get to my Italian stone cottage

In my mind I'm going to take a long ocean journey

Although come to think about it it doesn't really sound safer just more agreeable

I like the landscape in the American West

There's a fair amount of that I haven't seen yet

If I felt like I could drive an RV

Which I don't I feel like I'd be afraid

Maybe I would buy an RV and just travel around the west and see all the beautiful skies

I don't guess I can really answer the question

If someone is asking

People do ask questions like this all the time

If you could live anywhere where would you go

I guess my answer to that is I don't know

There are a lot of places that I want to go

But I guess I don't know enough about any of them to know if that's the place I would want to be forever

And maybe nobody is asking that

Maybe when it's supposed to answer that question kind of a knee jerk what's the first thing that comes into your head response

But I tend not to be very good at those

Colorado is pretty

But for some reason I've never had the feeling I wanted to live there

Although I don't know why not

Probably because I associated with snow

And snow is kind of a unknown quantity for me

I've never lived a new place where it snowed

And I feel like it would have problems that I would be unprepared for

Arizona is pretty

But I think the people there are crazy

And I guess they voted blue in this last election

But I don't think about it as being a place that is liberal and free thinking I think of it as being a place where crazy people live

Pretty landscapes though

Marfa has seemed appealing to me

Because it is a very liberal artsy place

But it's still got a western feel

And you've got that big sky

Milky Way at night

But I think it's changed a lot since I've been there

And I think it's gotten really expensive

And I'm learning things about Texas

I just don't know

I didn't really like Santa Fe

It seemed kind of fake somehow

Like they had a real place

And then they decided not to let it evolve but to try to reconstruct it or something

I liked it but it just had a weird energy about it I don't know I'd want to live there

I liked Albuquerque

But I didn't really see that much of it

At the old market place

It had a certain artificiality to it as well but it didn't take itself as seriously

My favorite coffee shop in the country is on the outskirts of Las Cruces

But I haven't really been in Las Cruces

I mean now that I've realized I could spend a year really not leaving the house

Becomes more a question of

Where is that perfect cottage

And maybe

Maybe it's worth telling you

That when I found that cottage in Umbria

The search I was doing and YouTube

Was Adobe house

I love you sweetheart

I'm going to sleep for a while

I went off on a tangent and forgot to say

I thought the taxes were due on the 17th of May because it had gotten extended because they did the thing where they were going to exempt some of the unemployment because not everybody knew they needed to take out taxes and they didn't want people to have to pay a bunch of taxes that they hadn't got money for and whatever so I did tell him to take taxes out though which is why I'm getting money back but regardless

I thought it was the 17th of May

But then it turns out

And I could swear I double checked it last week

But apparently Texas now has until July 15th because since we had the frost emergency thing apparently whenever there's an emergency that gets to clear you get extra time for your taxes which mean that Frost thing I can't see how that really warrants a extension

But if it had been like a hurricane or a flood or something I could see where you might be having a hard time locating your paperwork or you know your computer could have gotten destroyed or whatever you could be having trouble

But the frosting was all kind of limited to one week and it was back in February wasn't it so I can't even see how that would have warranted an extra month much less an extra two months on top of the one month so I don't know so now where I thought I had them done about a week early cuz it turns out I've got them done about 2 months early

So I guess you know no big rush to mail it but

Except for the refund

And I could probably file them digitally they'd prefer that you file them digitally

I just really don't want to do that

I realize that sounds kind of crazy

But I've never done it before

So I don't know

I guess I would get the refund faster

But I really don't want to

And they look so pretty

So I'm probably not going to

I've been watching a lot of the Abraham Hicks videos and I've been just kind of liking the ones that I like but I just went back and rewatched them and there's a pattern to them that I didn't realize there was

And I'm not saying that the fact that there's a pattern doesn't mean anything but it wasn't a conscious pattern

I'm not unhappy

I was just in kind of a little bit of a blahness

And I was trying to ramp it up a little

I did my taxes today

And I hate doing taxes

And I knew it was going to be more complicated cuz I figured they would make the unemployment compensation exemption thing

Trickier than it needed to be

And I was reading the directions and or instructions rather

And tax instructions just don't get any easier ever do they I mean I know they're writing them in a way that they think is clear

But I don't find them to be all that clear

Anyway I watched YouTube video and it explained it really clearly and then I read through the directions I mean the instructions and that seemed to be right and actually it it looked right I didn't really doubt the guy where I would have watched more people explain it

But I had intended to do them on Sunday

But my direction was to stay in bed

And then I snapped that it was mother's Day which I mean I knew it was mother's Day cuz I gave my mother s*** on Friday for mother's Day but when I snapped that it was mother's Day I was like oh yeah that probably was a good day to stay in bed

Cuz I usually find it kind of triggering

I mean not as triggering as when I was working and you know all the guys that would be checking out middle-aged guys or whatever would be wishing me happy mother's Day it's like yeah I'm not a mother

But of course you're a woman and you're old You must have had kids right must have

I can remember being in the grocery store when I was 23 and some guy in the grocery store was asking me something about my kids and I'm like I don't have any kids I'm too young to have kids and he's like how old are you and I'm like 23 and he's like no that's exactly when you're supposed to have kids and I'm like oh no it's not

But of course that's how old my mother was when she had me

But I mean no wonder everybody so f***** up

23 is a child

23 is not mature enough to have children

I mean whatever I don't even know if I'm mature enough to have children now really

Anyway so I stayed in bed

And I kept switching back and forth between these three paintings

I think

If they were just color studies

I was just thinking about how calming and relaxing it was

But then I woke up and I went back to sleep trying to kind of meditate

And I ended up dreaming about my grandmother's house and my cousin and all her friends were living there but they were young she's like 48 now maybe maybe she'll be 49 in November and I haven't talked to her I don't know for a long time

Her mother my aunt I felt like she just sucked the life out of my grandmother and my grandfather and my aunt Joan I just kind of feel like she killed them all

To be clear

And to be fair

She didn't like technically kill them

But she was part of the reason why I developed a lot of these law of attraction beliefs

Except in reverse

Like I could see her situation and how it was bad and how it was because of like the energy she was putting out and the expectations that she had

Like when she went to u of h and she didn't graduate until she was I don't know probably in her 40s but when she went initially

She was like on the newspaper and the I mean she was like literary everything writing whatever

And she had a column in the paper at one point called strawberry Fields or maybe her byline was strawberry fields I'm not clear

But she had all this potential

And theoretically talent

But she didn't graduate from college she went off to San Francisco to be a hippie and then she had her daughter when she was pregnant with her apparently grand grant and Joan wanted her to have an abortion cuz I mean

Not only was she not married

Not only had she not been able to hold down a job

Not only had she not graduated from college

But she was I think kind of emotionally unstable even at that point and I feel like that just kind of got worse

She was on a bus on her way to the farm

So the story goes

When she realized she was pregnant

I needed to call her family to rally behind her and bring her home

And she totally could have been on the farm with a kid that would have been the best thing for her to be living on a commune I think

I think she would have been independent in a way that she wasn't living at home

and of course she could never really support herself cuz she couldn't keep a job because even though she had all these amazing editing and writing skills and she could type 90 words a minute

She was fat

And she dressed funny

And in her mind all the people in the office were looking at her and talking about her behind her back

And I can remember how much you would talk about this and I could remember as a fairly small child thinking well you know she expects that that's what they're doing and she puts out that vibe and they pick up on that and they go she's weird and they start talking about her

And that was part of how I developed my my theory about it was kind of all in what you projected out to the world and that that was where you needed to really spend your energy in you know didn't matter as much of what you looked like as how you felt about how you looked and what you projected out because that energy was what you were going to get back

And I never was teased or anything in school bullied nothing like that but she was the reason I started developing those kind of beliefs

Now I got to admit it took me a lot longer to come around to the idea that you could put something out into the universe and get it back but it's it's not that far off

And what I was saying was true it was more immediately apparently true The Abraham Hicks stuff it's true

But it's also kind of woo woo you know

I believe in law of attraction

But I think sometimes she takes it a little far

But maybe not

And I'm prepared to believe that my characterizing it as woo woo has held me back

So I've been feeling not bad not sad just kind of meh,  sometimes

So I've been planning to do it Sunday but then I was like well and I was going to do it Tuesday then since I didn't do it well actually no I thought I would start it on Sunday and if I didn't finish it I would finish it on Tuesday but then my mom texted me on Saturday that the elevator was broken at the studio and she wasn't going to go and climb the stairs and then I could go if I wanted to and I thought well no this is a sign from the universe to do it on Monday instead of Sunday and to sleep in on Sunday

So then my plan was to do it today and if I didn't finish it today I could finish it tomorrow or maybe mail it tomorrow or whatever

Although it's supposed to be thunderstorming again tomorrow so I may not do that but I was thinking it was due the 17th

So I'm like well you know you got a week you should go ahead and start on it cuz it usually doesn't take me that long but I expected it to be a little trickier

But then I realized

I'm probably going to get a refund this time

And I don't think I've gotten a refund

For like 15 years or something

And I haven't ever really gotten very large refunds

Because I don't let them take out any extra I only just let them take out what they need to

So like some people are you know having them take out extra and they end up getting bunches and bunches of money back but you know I think I only would get maybe $100 or $150 back at the most

At the world market I think I actually might have done something wrong which had them take out not quite enough not quite sure how but so then when I started getting dividends from Starbucks which they never used to pay but they started well then that money was extra so I would always owe a little bit and never get a refund so then I wasn't all that anxious to do them because I wasn't going to get any money back

But this time I will

And so when I started thinking about that I started thinking oh well I want to do because it'll be kind of exciting to see how that is supposed to be done and it'll be exciting to see how much money I'm going to get

And I enjoy typing into the form I don't really understand why but I really enjoy typing into the form

But then before I exit the page I go back and delete everything off of it I sort of think that it's not going to stay anyway but I go back and delete it anyway just in case

But I have been in kind of a strange mood off and on

And I feel like I'm kind of out of sync

I mean that's not new I've been struggling with whole sleep during the day sleep during the night thing it's ongoing

I read a newspaper article online and I'm trying to remember now what the new source was and I can't remember but it was something I considered to be a credible news source it wasn't like anything sketchy

And it said that 10% of the old people 27% of the population generally and 34% of young people are not intending to get vaccinated and it gave an age range for the young people and I want to say it was like 18 to 24 but I'm not 100% sure of that number and I mean I guess that's believable but it's a little distressing I mean the 10% of old people you know are probably mostly either people who were Trump followers or people who are susceptible to the same kind of suspicion conspiracy theory mindset

And same thing for the 27% general population

But the 34% of young people kind of surprised me but what excited amongst the young people because apparently it kind of surprised the person writing the article as well since you know you're explaining away the 10% and the 27% I assume the author was explaining them away roughly the same way I was explaining them away although they didn't say that explicitly but they didn't seem to find it hard to believe

But of course you think of the young people that's being more liberal and more community-minded and

Maybe more rational or realistic or something

At least I like to think they are

But they cited you know they're not really being sure that they needed the shot because you know they weren't probably going to get it and that they were worried that the side effects of the vaccine would be really really bad

And I just kind of surprised me a little bit

I mean even the people that have really bad side effects you know it's just for a few days I think there might be a few people that have had like extended bouts of fever and whatnot and I mean I'm not going to lie I had a week of not feeling very well and I don't know if it was all due to the vaccine or if some of it was due to hormones or whatever but you know I didn't feel great but it wasn't like being sick I mean I didn't run a fever or you know feel like I was going to die or anything and I would think the protection from covid would be worth a little bit of discomfort

I mean I still don't feel like I'm completely safe because there are a lot of variants and I don't know that I'm protected from all the variants I still balk at the idea of flying

Although I have seen some sales for like $50 Southwest tickets I don't know if that's still going on that might have been like a month ago and I saw something about getting a lot of frequent flyer miles or something although I don't have a flyer mile program but somebody was giving away like 40,000 frequent flyer miles or something it might have been Southwest

I do feel safer

But I don't feel safe

Even though I've been vaccinated

And I hope you've been vaccinated

I still don't really know what they're doing in your state

But here they've gone from their initial position of you know just old people to they opened it up for people 50 and over and I immediately signed up and got my shot that next week and then the next week I think they opened it up to anybody

And then

They were like you don't even need an appointment just show up at one of the vaccine locations so I guess they weren't having more vaccines than they had people who wanted them

And I know they're doing like 18 and up but they may have started doing younger ages I'm uncertain I know they've done some testing on teenagers and I read that's really bad again I don't remember what the new source was that they've done tests now and they think that the vaccine is like 95% effective on 12 and up young people

But I don't think they've tested it on younger than 12 I'm not sure maybe they're still in the trials of testing it on people younger than 12

But apparently Canada is locking down again because they have a shortage of vaccine and I feel like it's possible that we now have a surplus of vaccine so we really ought to help them somebody I know was talking to somebody they know somewhere in Canada I don't know where they live and they got their first shot in March or April they're basically they're already due for their second shot and they're not scheduled to get it till September but I don't know I mean I don't think you're supposed to go that long so I think that's going to make their vaccine less effective

And on my Abraham Hicks videos that I'm watching tonight maybe they aren't on the Abraham Hicks no no they're not on the Abraham pics I was watching somebody do what's in my purse video and something else about purses so okay so not self help but I've seen ads twice that are GOP ads talking about how Nancy pelosi is going to screw with a drug companies and they're not going to be able to invent new technology and I'm like yeah I think if the Democrats are going to screw with a drug companies that's not what they're going to be f****** with I think what the Democrats wanted to do was pursue the price gouging situation

But the sad is like telling me to call Lizzy Fletcher and tell her to stop Nancy pelosi

And it made me want to call Lizzie Fletcher and say how can I help

Because if these people want me to call you and stop you you must be doing something good

I don't know

See that's what I'm talking about All that stuff I was just talking about That's not happy positive bringing the good to me thoughts

That's I'm a little worried about the world thoughts

And I'm not going to be able to stop having those so I'm just trying to feed in as much good stuff as I can

The cat wants to be fed again

Okay I'm going to sleep for a little bit

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Okay I have to go to sleep because I didn't actually get any sleep last night I may have dozed off a few times but I didn't actually sleep at all and then I've been dozing not enough in the chair but then I had my little epiphany and it got dark and so then I got all reset and I couldn't make myself go to sleep so and I can't take melatonin because then I won't be able to wake up so it's like a vicious cycle I can't sleep I can't wake up I can't sleep I can't wake up

But I feel as though I learned a lot of things today and I had a lot of ideas and I feel really good about all of it but I have to make myself go to sleep now I can't just stay up all night and then sleep all day I just have to get it together

Oh yeah and I was going to do a reading before I went to bed so I have to do a reading real quick

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

testtesttest

this inspired me 

or rather this inspired me

not the picture of the woman lying in the sun

the girl

alone

and her phantasie 

maybe beautiful

but

maybe also frightening

alone in the quantum social

subway train

and

all at once

i saw the quarantine protesters

zombies pressing against the train windows

and the many ways of quarantine

alone together vs together alone

and the train became a virtual world metaphor

hurling through the unreal time and space

hurling through the real that seemed unreal

and the real that couldn't quite be grasped

and the totally imagined landscape

that filled the world

just beyond the screen--  in one form or another

how

completely

the girl in the picture is me

and

how that was different during the pandemic

but

completely that experience--  transformed

somehow

Okay going to try to sleep now

Wacky wacky scheduling

I love you sweetheart 💋

Going to bed

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

So not psychotic

Not schizophrenic

Interested in psychological topics

I don't want to go to sleep

I did get up this morning

I did

But then I had a headache

Which in fairness there has been some weather

It rained pretty much all day yesterday and it rained all night and I think it was still raining this morning

Anyway I had a mild migraine and I just was like f*** it I don't need to get up for anything so I went back to sleep and I didn't even really mean to go back to sleep I just wanted to lay down in the dark with my eyes shut

But guess what

That led to sleeping

So I don't know I got up at 1:30 or something

And I said I would go to the studio tomorrow

And that I would drive myself

But I already don't want to go to sleep and I don't want to get up and I don't want to go

So I don't know what that's about

Is that depression

Is that avoidance

No so proud of myself that I got up at 8:00 on was that Friday is that Saturday I'm not sure which day it was I think it was Friday

And I was like yay I'm getting myself back on track

So at least part of me wants to be on track

But I don't

I don't want to go out in the sun

I don't want to interact with my mother

Or other people at all

And I'm saying stuff to myself like no

I do not feel emotionally strong enough to deal with other people today

So if I wake up with a headache how am I going to know if it's psychosomatic or not

I guess I'm taking my I don't feel emotionally strong enough to do with other people today thing as just total b******* but I guess that might not be total b*******

If a lot of my not feeling well was hormonal I could legitimately be having some mood issues that would make me not want to interact with people and my mother is not the easiest person to interact with if I'm at all touchy there could be problems

I don't know

I don't know whether it makes any sense to be stern with myself and say you have to go or whether it just makes sense to say you know if you don't feel like going maybe you shouldn't go

I just wish it was possible to know exactly what's going on with me like if it is hormonal or if it is related to the shot or if it's just depression or or what it is I would really like to be able to identify what exactly is going on with my brain

Because something is out of whack

And I tell you what My hair is getting dirty really fast I just washed it like I don't know four or so days ago and it is just really dirty

And I feel simultaneously like I have too much hair and like I don't have enough hair like normally I would wear it all pulled back but I don't really have enough hair to effectively pull it back now so I can't wear it like that I don't really like it all down I keep being tempted to shave the back of it but I really don't think that's something I want to do on my own but I kind of do

So I don't know I guess I feel like I don't really have as much control over my

Is it emotions is that what I mean to say

I don't I'm not like in a bad mood exactly

I mean the most accurately I can put it as I feel out of sorts

But that doesn't really tell you anything

My cat is coming and asking me can we please go the f*** to bed He's exhausted He's exhausted all the time because I keep him up all night

You'd have to say keep him up in air quotes though because he's asleep most of the time but I guess that isn't good sleep that doesn't qualify as good sleep

I don't know I can't tell you right now whether I'm going to go tomorrow or not what I really want to do is write a story

I don't have any particular story I want to write

I don't have a story that's burning to come out of me

I just really want to write something

But I don't know I don't know if I can

And I suppose if I called my mother in the morning and told her I wanted to stay home and write she would be like oh good cuz she wants me to be a writer even though she doesn't want to read any of my stuff but then if I don't manage to get anything written I'll feel guilty

Or I could just tell her that I'm having mood issues and I don't feel like I can be civilized around people and she won't understand that and she'll be unhappy and it'll have some later repercussions

But I'll feel like I was honest

So I don't know I have to make myself go to sleep

I don't think I feel depressed

Anyway I'm going to go to sleep or I'm going to try I don't feel very sleepy

Don't encourage me to write cuz I don't want it to go away again it's pretty fickle about being pushed and it hasn't actually started back full on

I love you very much sweetheart

I guess I'll see how I feel in the morning and then I'll figure out what I'm going to do

But I guess if I don't feel like I can be nice to people then there's no point in starting a big problem

My cat is a real pain in the ass he is giving me this look alike that I need to get it together

I've had to reinstitute the water gun because he's been yeah I don't trust him anymore since he cut me that time and I didn't stop bleeding right away even though I'm not as far as I know taking any thing that should be thinning my blood I just really scared me and I decided that I was spoiling him and then he needed to learn to pave so I've been shooting him with the water gun pretty frequently when he acts like he's going to do anything

And he's pretty much just taking it in stride

I mean sometimes he lies and it's like I just came over for pets mommy why are you shooting me with the water gun and he rubs against my leg and stuff

And sometimes you just kind of stand there and it's like settle you got b**** but he doesn't cut me so whatever

He is extremely bossy though

I really wish you'd cut that out

But I'm starting to be more bossy and aggressive with him I used to be more bossy with my cats it's just I got in the habit of being a helicopter mother with buzz because he had health issues and special needs and whatever and then I didn't kind of go back to my previous ways but this cat needs a little bit more of a firm hand otherwise he is kind of a bully

It's just kind of interesting because he's very sweet when he's being sweet and he's very bossy and aggressive when he's being bossy and aggressive and he just has a much broader range of mood and emotion and supposedly that's really common with orange stripy cats

But the only orange stripy cat I've really had is piglet and he wasn't like that at all he was very timid but he'd had some kind of trauma in his kitten hood

Anyway I got off on a tangent

I love you

I haven't reached any kind of post pandemic equilibrium

But I guess we're not really post-pandemic

But everybody's kind of acting like we are

And maybe that's part of my problem

But I feel like I kind of need to get my s*** together

And I feel like I'm kind of not

And so then any any inclination I have to be lenient with myself feels suspect

But you know my body is perfectly willing to make me physically ill to avoid doing things I don't want to do so it really isn't beneficial to be too hard on myself because it doesn't yield a good result either

And I'm just not sure that the days of whipping myself up into a frenzy where I pull through everything and just kind of do what I'm told I'm just not sure that that those days are coming back you know

Anyway I'm going to have to figure out some way to get back in the swing of daytime or else I'm just going to have to figure out some way to work in the night time and I don't see how that's going to work out if what I want to do is go paint at the studio with my mom I really need to do that in sunlight which is not in the middle of the night so I don't know

I'm just in a little bit of a mood I guess

I just put on some more cream

Hopefully that'll help

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Ok

I'm going to sleep

I'mma try to do better tomorrow

sleep in today

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

So it's been raining off and on all day

But not very hard

And to the best of my knowledge there hasn't been any flooding around here yet

My stomach upset seems to be better I've been putting on cream so maybe it was hormonal I don't know I really don't know what to think

It's possible that my immune system getting all activated through my intestinal flora out of balance I don't know

Or could be hormones I don't know

That was better in fact that was fine it didn't give me any trouble today

But I did have a really bad headache

Which could be hormones or it could be weather I've got no reason to think it's vaccine at this point

I got up at 8:00 like I wanted to but now I've slept a little later with the going to bed I needed to go to bed by 2:00 and it's 3:30 so I don't know

The trick has seemed to be melatonin

I take the melatonin and it makes me very sleepy

But I have to actually take it

I love you very much sweetheart

Sleep well 💋