today i was going to go to the museum but it was too pretty out so i went window shopping

i got a coffee
and i wasn't necessarily planning to window shop
but i was lured by the XM 40s music
and the palm trees
to stay
after
i
had
finished my coffee on the patio

and
i did go in some shops
i have no idea
whether my choice of shops interests you
i don't peg you as much of a shopper
but god is in the details, so

l'occitaine:
almost bought thigh slimmer
decided i had body shop thigh slimmer already not being used

west elm:
bought a shower curtain
have wanted new shower curtain
for years
have been unable to find something i like
it seems french to me

http://www.westelm.com/products/butterfly-shower-curtain-b575/?pkey=cshower-curtains

crate & barrel:
really really like this coffee table

http://www.crateandbarrel.com/seguro-rectangular-coffee-table/s220012

and realized
my ideas about decorating
have
at the root
some seventies aesthetic
whereby
the child in me
wants
a zebra skin
somewhere in the room
wall
floor
whatever
and
maybe
a narwhal tusk
or albino turtle shell

[although not a barber chair nor a gumball machine]
just so i'm clear

soma/chico's:
the bra i liked
only goes up to 36
and i'm pretty sure i need a 40

anthropologie:
ok
i went in to anthropologie
and i was in there a while
but the doors were open
and it's all glass
so it was
kinda
like
still being outside
and
i love their furniture
they had this sofa
it was deep
slipcovered canvas
[maybe cotton linen blend, not sure]
off white basically
with blue kind of ikat inspired print pillows
and
i mean
maybe it isn't what i'd choose first
being off white and blue
but it was
so home-y
and
most sofas aren't
most don't feel like anything i'd want
[and it was half priced]
which made me yearn for it all the more
though that only brings it down to really expensive
from omg expensive
it isn't online
but
this is what their sofas are like
[swoon swoon]


http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/catalog/category.jsp?popId=HOME&navAction=middle&navCount=342&isSortBy=true&pushId=HOME-FURNITURE&id=HOME-FURNITURE-SOFAS

and
i almost bought a hair ornament
but
then i decided
it made me look like i was trying to look younger
and
i almost bought
a book of neruda love poems
but
i decided to hold out for hardback
but they have a magazine now
which is very cool
i've been out of my magazine thing for a while
because of the internet
and
they had
huckleberry finn


http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/popups/popup_zoomviewer.jsp?productid=073685&color=080&viewCode=b

and
i couldn't not buy it
i tried
i failed
i brought it home

coldwater creek:
i've never been in coldwater creek before
so i thought i'd see what they had
but
and this is kinda funny
it made me very uncomfortable
like
this is not your store honey
but
i can't tell you exactly whose store it is
just
that it made me want to run not walk away

foodie grocery:
dark russian rye loaf
[total impulse buy mmmmmmmmm]
two bagels
a bottle of water
a jar of peanut butter
chlorella tablets
lip balm

so
boring as shopping with a girl
or
snapshot of my mind
i
don't know
i
love you
though

ok, so probably i'm the only one who didn't know this, but chocolate matzo bark totally rocks

and
peanut butter has been supplanted by marmite
marmite on sesame wasa crispbread
so maybe it was niacin
not protein
all along
(and marmite has b12 and folate)
kinda high in salt though

why not vegemite, you ask
they were out of vegemite, but had marmite
and yeah yeah it's processed
but so are vitamin pills, and they aren't delicious
i have less of a leg with the crispbread
i mean, the swedes bill it as healthfood, but
i think it's just low fat low carb low calorie

which of course the matzo bark is not at all
but it did make me happy
and sometimes that has to count for something
it's dangerous information though

omg

it's not right
how much i want you right now


i don't know if you think it's my fault
that we haven't gotten together, or maybe
you don't blame me
but
still
there's a part of me that doesn't believe
you want my body
it believes you only want my brain
and
i go back and forth
about whether
it could ever be as good as i can imagine it
so it's a kind of limbo i live in


but
tonight
i want to
carelessly rake the dishes from the table
with a satisfying 'opa' shatter

i want to make love with you full contact australian rules

i want i want i want i want i want

and, i mean, i chant that in my head a lot
and it often has a melancholic never-jam-today-like tune

and yes yes, god bless never fucking me too soon

but there has got to come a day
as god is my witness

i love you

hopefully
when i write shit half asleep
where my musings
about what it'll be like
to have sex with you
get mixed into
lake cottage romance
well
i'm hoping you like that
or
hell
are at least used to it by now
cause ya know
you're not gonna one day kiss me
and i'll turn into a princess

you know that right


i wish i was with you right now
not even to do bad things to you
i'd really like to just sleep with you
i'm exhausted

i am imagining your legs brushing mine in the bed
and
even as tired as i am
i think it'd be hard not to keep waking you up, touching you
i want to feel your bones
that's kinda freaky huh
your hips
oh
yeah
i don't think you know this about me
but i have this thing for knees
not all knees
most people have just plain ol knees
but
maybe
maybe under all those clothes
you have the super god-like knee thing goin on
(sadly i do not)

and
don't misunderstand me
i'm not saying
i'm judging your parts
even if there was stuff missing or whatever
i'd just adapt
you know
no
what i'm saying
is that i am prepared to reify
every little bit of you
and
since i've already admitted to being attracted to you
i might as well excite myself with speculation

i'm sorry
i think i got the better end of that stick

i don't really know what you're into

hey
ok
here's something
i have really beautiful nipples
that's not so common
and likely to be of interest, generally
well
i guess i should say i think they're beautiful

you're either gonna think i'm funny
or really dumb
with all this random stuff tonight
i've gotta sleep now

when i said golden cowhide i was being all poetical-- really it is more accurately blonde

but i needed to say
because
when i read back over
it bothered me
like
maybe you thought i meant, metallic

ok, so i fell asleep in the tub and i'm not sure how coherent this will be...

although i have technically been with a lanky man
i have never ridden one
and i find myself wondering
am i gonna get poked
i am pretty careful
not to lose control of my balance
so
i'm not worried about damaging you
but
will i be aware of bones
i am intrigued


i saw this golden cowhide rug today
and i picture that rug
in front of a fire
in a cabin
by a lake

it's been so long
i can't really remember
but
you're configured differently enough
i'd have to relearn anyway
and
maybe
in reality
i'd get drunk
or stoned
so that i wouldn't be afraid
or worried about performance
but in my fantasy now
you're just a lot of fun
bucking
and
playful
with the candles and fireplace
making the lights flicker and jump

i get to imagine squeezing from the inside
and if those muscles have weakened
then
i'll just need more practice
cause it needs to be
just about
intake-of-breath
eyes-rolling-back
strength
to make me happy
it's weird
i need certain reactions
and i'll just have to play with you
until i learn what makes you tick

i worry
of course
that you're just like that
which
i'd bet a fair sum you are
and i've had to work myself around to it
it may surprise you to know
i'm a little afraid you'll want to eat me up

i've never been too into that
it's kinda gentle
and maybe i've never had anybody competent
or maybe i just wanted to be the top
but it's like seriously i've almost never

and
i just wonder
will it be scary and awkward the first time
or will it be
the total floodgate i feel in my bones that it will be
and i've already told you so much
it might be amazing
but what if it isn't
will that break some spell
or will it even matter

i mean
if it were about body parts
we'd have gotten bored long before now

this isn't very romantic
when i was naked in the tub
it was all very artful grinding and rolling and laughing and playing
down by the fire
and then star gazing
through the big skylight in the sleep loft of the cabin
snuggled under a blanket
falling asleep touching

drinking coffee
watching the fog rise off the lake
the next morning
with the blanket wrapped around us for warmth

i love you
i gotta sleep a little bit more

what i need right now is a bath...

i think
when i come back
i'll have something for you

if you like to choose a wine by it's label, don't be afraid to pick luchador-- a tasty south australian shiraz hosting a masked mexican wrestler

i don't drink shiraz much
and i'm not sure why
because i like it


i've been in quite a good mood today
happy happy blood time not bringing me down at all
i have this urge to talk about the moon
phases of the moon
but
it's drifting
the cycle
to the phases
it was
bleed at the full
ovulate at the new
but
it won't stay that way
i was hoping it would
that i'd go to a 28 day
those just seemed right
but they'll change in the 30 day
and that's less poetic, but there you are

and anyway
how likely
is it really
that you want to hear
odes to my beautiful cervical ablutions nueva luna
and anyway i don't write odes

and we could ask what el diamante is doing on a south australian wine

but do we really need to know



i'm thinking about you now
your lankiness
and how
in fact
if i'm honest
i'm attracted to that
how much more attractive i think you are
than when i first fell in love with you
there was something not yet awake in you then

it shimmers in you now

am i helping or deterring the shining frightening beauty


in my fantasy of now
we are dancing
in the moonlight
the hot dry air of the night sighs
are we even in the real world, or
are we dancing in the dreamtime

we don't speak
you aren't frightened by my silence
and you give me something
some talisman of your love
you have made it or designed it
and you press it onto my right thumb
it starts to rain
first mist
then large warm drops
i push your hat back slightly
i fold myself into the circle of your arms
run my hands down the sides of your face
brush my thumb across your lower lip
the ring means something deep for me
there's a power
because you made it
and i feel a little ashamed that i want something so tangible
but i do want it
and i kiss you then
softly
wet with rain
and in that kiss
which lasts forever
is all the tender promise of forever
with the sadness of not knowing if you will stay
or if you will leave me here to raise our child alone
you kiss me back
that you absolutely cannot live without me
but you have no idea how to fit our lives together
and you would tell me anything to keep me from leaving
and it wouldn't be a lie
but it might not be the truth either
and we fall to out knees
the weight of love too much to stay upright

and your fingers trace wonder
across my skin
discover the erogenous crook of my elbow
the way my breasts like to be pressed in to my body tightly
how my throat longs to be bruised with kisses

i open myself to you

and the desert

blooms

in case you were worrying: injury update + random other stuff

i've cut myself
and i've been abraded
but i've never sliced off
before now

and
i realize
the super glue thing
could have freaked you out
but back in the nam
no, seriously
i get that kinda stuff from my dad

my only experience with abrasions led me to believe
i'd get a big hard scab that would hurt and itch
but i didn't

it's just growing skin
it's pretty much covered now
although not filled in
and it doesn't hurt unless i poke into it
and that's only four days
i'm kinda impressed
i've only had it bandaged one day
so maybe the air is helping stimulate it


i saw a movie today
before i tell you what movie i wanna tell you why

i think twilight is one of the most boring pieces of crap
with no redeemable value whatever
but at least one of my friends loves it
and it was presented to me:
you are just too old
you've reached the point where you just don't get it

that made me mad

so today i saw beastly

and ok i got no idea who alex pettyfer is
and i recognize vanessa hudgens name
but i don't know why
but
i haven't followed pop culture for a while sorta purposely
but i was never personally invested in the beauty and the beast mythos
i never watched the disney
i did watch the one with ron pearlman
and the classic black and white

but i was always more of an ugly duckling follower
ie: if you aren't beautiful
it's because you're using the wrong definition
than a beauty and the beast-er


it was not bad
visually it was quite good

except

that guy was so much better looking "ugly"
and he seemed way more body mod
than deformed
and
i think we're spoiler safe here
i mean, you aren't planning to see it, right
they so should have had him want not to be fixed by the end
or she shoulda wanted him not to change
or something
not gotten all prettified by the end


the thing i thought was interesting in my response
and maybe i shouldn't tell you this
maybe this reveals something wrong in me
but
a year to find someone who will say they love you
didn't sound that hard to me
ironically
it's finding someone i could love that has always seemed difficult
not someone to love me

so does that mean that i'm wrong-headed
or conceited
(cause people love me)
or maybe i'm defining love wrong
maybe i'm thinking she meant
they just had to love
and she meant soul mate kinda love

anyway
i don't think there was anything to get
in beastly
but i didn't read young adult fiction, really
even when i was one
so maybe i never got it
but it does sound
from the wiki article
like they ruined the book

but there was a cool poem in it that i hadn't read before:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YDLwivcpFe8


in fact i don't remember reading o'hara
and i get such a clear picture
of the man
who inspired the poem
st. sebastian in the orange shirt
from art history

i'm glad i saw it just for finding o'hara

i had this great dream that i'm trying to coherent-ify so i can tell you about it

but
sneak peek
that musician i'm always telling you about
he made a film and an album set
the film was a long visual collage
of people
in parades
or protesting
or at festivals
or crazy people
with no monologue or dialogue
just
looking at them
sometimes in long uncomfortable stretches
sometimes in jump cuts
it was very avant guarde
there was some talking or ambient sound
but
it was mostly the soundtrack album
which did the talking

some people said:
he's crazy
some people said:
he's a genius

some people thought the film was genius
but didn't care one way or another about the music

some people thought the songs were brilliantly
getting into the heads of crazy people
some people thought:
he just can't think coherently anymore
what a shame


i listened to it
and
this is one of the parts i'm having trouble describing
it was like i could see into his head
like i could see his thought processes
and
it was like the brush strokes
on a monet or something

i'm not sure this is going to get more coherent

there was one song
called what if
that simultaneously homaged
speculative fiction
time travel
and
delusional thinking
which was brilliant

i know
i was in a wood paneled bookcase lined room
when i was listening to this
the books were very important
and i was moving them somewhere

what was going on with me was not so coherent

and
i don't know
if this dream is predictive
or if it's telling me something
about what i should be thinking or writing or doing

and there is more i'm trying to remember


i love you
take good care of yourself
you're very dear to me

grind my bones to make my bread

i am in some pain right now

i damaged myself

i was mandolining eggplant
i'm not sure if i've ever mandolined before
anyway
making thin slices
to make dehydrated chips
with a really sharp thing
and

you see where this is going, right

i cut off a slice of my thumb

not a big slice
and
most of it was callus, so no biggie
but
there is a small section of meat
which is now exposed to everything

and my first thought was:
superglue that fucker back on
except
i woulda had to go buy superglue
and
it was the kind of a thing
one would only do if everything was there to hand
not a planned out and executed strategy

then i thought:
does it really need medical attention
(which i can not afford)
and i decided:
no, what're they gonna do
skin graft
it's not that bad

water hurt, though
so i had to work up the nerve for hydrogen peroxide
which fixes everything
although i had an irrational desire to have
one of my great-grandmother's flax poultices
(which i can't see how that would help)
i didn't actually do the hydrogen peroxide until today
last night
i took a bunch of msm and vitamin c and poured some msm on it
which i had to wash off
it made it throb too bad

anyway
i don't mean to over dramatize
it's just that it was my thumb

again
though, other thumb

and

last night i dreamed
i was in a store wandering around
and malini walked up to me in all of her exotic beauty
wanting to know if there was someplace we could be alone
maybe, she said, that air pressure room over there

and i just wanted away from her

then i walked over to a shelf of books
and some guy came over to try to talk to me
i just stopped him cold:
no, thank you
i am trying to process something
which if i chat with you
i cannot do

he was hurt and offended

and i'm not sure what any of that is going to mean to you

very strange dreams the last few days

they have been
more like story outlines
than anything that seems related to me

but
maybe not
maybe they are related to me
they seemed to use me as a referent
but it seemed more like a short hand

in one
there was a woman
and there were paintings

i'm a little sketchy about her details
she might have been in the military
or she might have been a warrior
or
she could have been each of those things
in different times

she was in a relationship
but there was something weird about it
she had come back to him after many years or something
maybe she had known him in each of these lives, i'm not sure

she had the paintings
which were not particularly good
nor did she paint them
or even buy them, really
she didn't seem to care for them
she was hanging them in a large room
but it became a big open outdoor space
and the paintings were aligning with the landscape
like she was recreating the primal environment
from the earlier life

but more like
that was a metaphor
for aligning the two lives
or aspects
or whatever

but then
she told the guy she had to leave
he said:
you came back to leave

i remember that
what is that about

i found it disturbing



the other one
was
(i think apocalyptic)
but
at least
it was running and hiding
and survival

that one was last night
and
i had the distinct impression
that it was meant to be a story
but
i had to go to breakfast with my mom
and now
it is totally gone
damn it


i'm trying to be there
but sometimes you really have to have the whole thing
and you can't just have one bit of it
so i'm trying to figure out
if i can put myself in the place
is that going to help
because the whole thing
as a big picture
is lost to me
and
i'd really like to tell this story


anyway
i love you

butterfly pasta, grilled cheese, & the show

have you ever done juicing
it's messy
and kinda expensive
both of which are what you might call anti-incentives
this juice is not bad:
celery, collard greens, red chard, red bell pepper
and that's what i'm drinking

the carrots i ate today were like candy
they're semi-local organic "backyard grown" sold at whole foods
and that and celery were all i had to eat today

i saw some pasta i wanted to buy
like farfalla
but
butterfly
beautiful
and
it reminded me of stuff

what i want
superbad
is a grilled cheese sandwich-- cheddar cheese
and i want it bad
pan fried with butter, now
i'm not talking toasted cheese
i've been more or less off cheese
ocationally i'll have pizza
or greek salad with feta
but i tasted a carmenere the other day
and the wine guy said:
now imagine grilled cheese
(and i could taste the excellence of grilled cheese with that wine)
but then i've wanted it ever since
and now
if i had a delicious grilled cheese
the way my grandmother used to make them for me
with a bottle of that carmenere
it would be like sex
seriously

but i tasted a wine today
i decided that was ok
less than an ounce
and technically, kinda juice (although not green juice)
and it was good enough
i wanna recommend it to you:

the show malbec
if you've not had malbec
try it...you'll like it
maybe i liked it extra because i'd been all bitter drink-y
but it's all ripe dark fruit with this tart little cherry
and it seemed more lively than some other malbecs
and it's got a bronco bustin cowboy on the label
it's from argentina

just drink it already


the need for peanut butter, a little less intense
between the wheatgrass and chlorella
it's three grams of protein
every couple hours
plus whatever the green juice has

i love you very much
take good care of yourself

i started a three day detox today...i want popcorn and peanut butter

i've been eating peanut butter
and beans
and stuff
with calories
and i haven't been going to the sauna or working out or really doing anything to counter all of that
plus
i decided to try just the tyrosine
rather than the combo thyroid support
anyway
the upshot
six pounds right back on
which is not a super big deal
but
it's time to get it together again

so
i'm doing green juice this time
and soup from the pulp
and some raw celery and carrot
and dandelion greens
starting tomorrow
because today was all liquid stuff
except for the pills
i'm doing
wheatgrass (5)
chlorella (20)
cayenne (1)
~every two hours

the idea is to green any toxins
right out of my system
and alkalize everything

for dinner last night
i had two bagels
with peanut butter
two different kinds (santa cruz dark roasted & justin's)
the bagels were the weird but good "french toast" flavor

and
right now
i'm not happy
gurgle gurgle gurgle:
say my unhappy guts not
so much from hunger as from wheatgrass and cayenne
the peanut butter i just want it want it want it now now now

it's really sad to fall this far

i'm about to fall out just now
gotta go to sleep

love and best wishes
i bet i dream of peanut butter

i hope you're ok...i have had a strange day...

i got a weird paper cut

i think i've lost an earring

i had the distinct feeling that something happened
with you
at
about 4:30p

and
ash wednesday
always takes me by surprise

it never sinks in
i'm always restraining myself from saying:
ya got some schmutz on your head
because
surely they know
and then i'm all like:
yeah yeah i remember now, ash wednesday
what's that about

i get lent
that makes sense
i just don't get the schmutz thing

but
i guess
maybe one side effect of being raised without religion
is that i don't see that kind of stuff the way
i guess
most people do
i tend to like ritual-type-things
to really engage something

or
to my mind
skip it
it's the connection that matters
not the rote expression of the thing

and
i don't mean to be picking on christians
although, really, i'm sorta fine with that, in general
and
i guess
if i look at it another way
it marks them
as the kind of person who would get up and go to mass
before work or school, which might, afterall, be a stigma for some

i don't know
i don't like it
i only saw one or two today
but it threw me off, way more than makes any sense whatever


i don't know
just a weird day
hope you're ok and all
sometimes i think you're energy
affects how i feel
but i didn't have anxiety, or anything
no tension or anger or jitters or whatever
just a clumbsy spacey discombobulated
out-of-pocket sort of day

i love you very much

when i was chatting yesterday, i forgot to tell you about my dream

what i mostly remember
though i'm sure there was more
is driving

the roads were all
hmmm
not cobblestone
because cobblestone is an actual street material
albeit an old fashioned one
no this was paving stone
the kind they had at university
small river stones
are set
into
epoxy
fancy sidewalks basically
i was driving on fancy sidewalks
through residential areas
townhouses mostly
multi story
quite nice
and
it was night
my vision
somewhat impaired

i kept driving along these curvilinear
walkways
and
i kept ending up
on the roof
nearly driving off the edge
circling back
going
essentially
in figure eights

maybe i'm telling myself something there
maybe not
but
it was
a little scary

i went into one of the townhouses
told the people
i think
what it was i was trying to find
they were friendly
helpful
and
i have to admit
i did just a little coveting of their place

i'm thinking of you...

i just feel like talking, i guess
i finished that chili
and, actually, it was good
but not chili
chili has a certain heft
density
and
oil
rising to the surface
and i added as much oil as i could make myself
but i ended up making cornbread
and spooning the "chili" over crumbles
stirring in raw onion
it really was good
just not quite chili

i'm thinking
chopped pine nuts, maybe
or would that seem gritty
anyway
it expanded exponentially
so i have too much food again


i can't figure out why you bring all this stuff out in me

why the fantasy
for example
of the family meal
that seems to me so domestic
and i don't really mean to be presenting myself that way
and i could make up psycho-babble
about the lack of stability
i had as a child
but
it might just be a nurture thing

i always used to have this idea
that it was important not to do too much, at first
because it's fine to escalate later
but bad to set expectations too high
and i think
i have probably screwed that up with you
but, really
where is the sense in setting low expectations in a fantasy


so
not only have i taken to this family meal thing
but
even though they may never come
today i found myself looking at haggadot
on amazon
and then
chabad
like what the hell is up with that
i found this:

http://www.chabad.org/holidays/passover/pesach_cdo/aid/492832/jewish/Next-Year-in-Jerusalem.htm

now
i told you that i never celebrate any holiday except thanksgiving
so why am i suddenly looking for
alternative
vegetarian
spiritually enriching ways
to explain to kids i don't even have
why this night is different

and
i guess
what i learn about myself through this fantasy
is that
the intellectual and spiritual development
of these imaginary children
is burning a hole in my pocket

this is mostly about food

today i bought a tagine
i hadn't really planned to but
it was cheap
it was calling my name
and i thought i could use it for
making recipes from a book which i don't think i've mentioned:

olive trees and honey:
a treasury of vegetarian recipes from jewish communities around the world

i've had it for almost a year
and i've read most of it
but
i haven't really used it

it was a really romantic notion
my buying it
because i wasn't so much thinking of feeding myself
as our imaginary family
but
you know
i'm all about the legumes
so it's not a very eastern european fanatasy shabbat
hence
the tagine


right now, however, i'm focused on the chili

i decided that chili is somehow essentially tomato-y
so i am marinating sundried tomatos overnight
in olive oil, pickled jalapeno juice, and bar-b-que sauce
and i chopped up some dried shitakes
which i'm sort of marinating
but with just a small amount of truffle and toasted sesame oils
as well as sea salt and dulce
i don't think i have enough of that
mushrooms are my go to meaty thing
but i'm going for texture too
i'm just not sure of mushroom - bean interaction
i'm very uncertain that this will work

traditionally
vegetarian chili uses either fake ground beef
or tempeh
neither of which i want to use, particularly
i am hesitant to go with grains
though they might work for texture

i really hope i do not mess up my beans
although
i mean
i'm using slightly less than half of them


fingers crossed

food thoughts

i know i said that i just want to eat peanut butter and refried beans

i told you that i didn't eat peanut butter
but i didn't tell you about beans
now, refried beans i would eat
but only in small quantities on or in things
never by themselves
i have
in general
disliked beans

my charming stepmother knew this
and we had power struggles around beans
so
far from being trigger foods
these were like
anti-trigger foods

roasted salted almonds (especially smoked almonds)
those would be a trigger food for me
meaning something like chips for most people
like, once you start
you have real trouble stopping
and they would have protein
but i have no desire for them

doesn't it seem odd to crave foods you never liked
i mean
i ate an entire can of chipotle beans the other day
and i didn't want to adulterate them with rice or tortillas
i just wanted them straight
maybe i've been taken over by something

the problem is
i've never really gotten good at making beans
or hummus, even
because it's so easy to buy them ready made
which i am trying not to do
and
i've almost got a hummus i like
next time i'm using roasted garlic and i think i'll be there
but
today
today i made beans

anasazi beans
cooked with onions and ,ok, a can of smokey roasted chipotles
but i'm not there yet i'll figure it out
i also cooked it with kombu
until the kombu dissolved into the beans
increases absorption and renegades in minerals
anyway
i cooked em for about six hours
and used a submersion blender on em
and i used spices too (they have nice heat)
and i think they'll be great refried
but i'm also thinking chili
what would i need to add
i'm quite excited
and
i'm thinking mole black beans

i made some banana bread bars
with oat bran, salba, brazil nuts and cardamon
(they just finished)
super healthy
could be sweeter
but i made them for breakfasts with peanut butter

hold on
let me try them that way

i am quite pleased

i made some bars when i was last on the road
with pear pulp and oat bran
and just a little of that with peanut butter
and a bunch of water
will hold you for hours and hours
but they weren't this tasty

i don't know if this stuff is interesting to you
but it's pretty exciting to me

but
i still think it's weird
that i really love foods
that are lifelong nuh uh foods

last night i drank a bottle of barefoot bubbly i bought but never drank since thanksgiving, just because

i really think i needed stronger mind alteration
but that was what i had to hand

i dreamed i was in that house
the one on west alabama
i was thinking about
how i'm running out of time
how maybe i should have sex again

i had stopped for the reason i told you
but not just that reason
i was also extremely paranoid
that i'd get pregnant
by
not you
and then
you would not love me
for some stupid manly reason

but then i thought
maybe
maybe i was supposed to
maybe that was the divine plan
and i screwed it up because i wanted only you

and i was on all fours
and there was a man, not you
and i said: come on baby
he came up behind me
and i thought of other things
some event kevin smith was hosting downtown
where everyone comes dressed as their favorite superhero
why that, i don't know, i can't imagine going to that, ever
and he brought his face around to mine
and it was like
like a rapist
i freaked out
i thought:
i can't do this i can't do this i can't

and then the sun
came blindingly through the windows
and he got up to adjust the tattered stuff hanging there
he said:
i don't like the way the light reflects off the jewelry we got left
i said:
did you pawn stuff too

then i went downstairs
the coffee table had changed again
and my mom said:
you're doing better
you've got a four hundred dollar credit

i went out in the yard
which was huge
and vacant
no trees or anything
on one side there was a big mound of soil
the yard was better, i could breathe, i walked around
then i knelt and began
spontaneously
to re enact
the pattern
of this
crazy
film

it was the most amazing experience, this film
sensory
tactile
rather than visual
it was the experience of rain
but by the pattern of the drops
falling on naked flesh
with some abstract
auditory
something
like the sensory crossover
that happens with lsd

but i was remembering this
and playing it
on a green green prayer mat
on the ground in front of me

then i lay down
in the dirt
i looked over at my cat
curled up next to me

and it came to me:

the yard is big enough
it's cleared
you have good soil
you can bring forth whatever you need or want or desire

all it will take
is an enormous amount of work