warning graphic content

i have rocked celibacy before
there was a time
when i just said:
enough
i don't know how to do relationships
i just won't do them

they were different though

they had as their object
keeping me from being
hurt
or
whatever

and

i was always able to
do me
so
it wasn't a big loss

this one has been different

sex has become more complex
and so it is difficult
to stimulate myself
adequately
in all the ways
that seem now to be necessary
simultaneously

so
while i have
over the last several years
managed to have
orgasms
as such
they have not been the voluminous
ejaculatory
multiple
hallucinatory
kind

so
it just seemed better
mostly
to leave off
and just have the energy kind
which are pretty good in general
though they don't leave one weak and dehydrated
*sigh*

but
i was thinking about the
must have sex before february 2011 thing
and i thought:
well
maybe
i count
and
besides
the whole thing was giving you a little too much power over me

and
i remembered
i have this spoon
that hits, as it were, the spot
and
i mean
i didn't just bang me
i did some stuff before
but
it culminated ok
i think
it could count as sex
standing in the middle of
the kitchen
i didn't see the lotus
or scarab
or whatever folding-in-on-itself yantra thing
that i see
in a really good orgasm
but
it was maybe five or six
and i had to
mop up

so
not bad
not sated
but
much less
tense
now

random mental wanderings (i can't remember last night's dream and i think it was important)

there was something to do
with a car
[WOW really amazing, a car you say]
and a diner
and some system
or secret organization
but it's just too washed out to remember
which pisses me off
because i know it was different

and
for something to be different
now
might be important
hopeful
at a time
when really
i could use a little

sometimes i know
and i just won't listen
but
now
it's like
i got no idea what's gonna happen
what pattern and shape it's gonna take
i just have this firm belief
that there are certain things i gotta do
even if they don't make sense
and
certain things
that when i think about doing them
i get so sad
that i know they can't be right

it would make me happier
if they all coalesced into a somewhat coherent picture
but
they do not

not at all

have you ever seen the movie
children of men
well
i've been thinking about it lately
the michael caine character
the one who lives in the safe house in the woods
when i saw that film
saw that house
what he did for people
saw him getting shot
the whole thing
i had this visceral reaction to it
that
somehow
that is
what i always thought i'd be when i grew up

which is patently ridiculous

because
i wanted to be
a dancer
an actress
a celebrity of some sort on the talk show circuit
a dancer again
a singer
an artist
a college professor
somebody who could pay her bills
somebody who could afford to buy a little bit of cool shit
somebody who took pride in what she did
a writer
a lover
a mother

but somehow
behind all of that
based
i guess on my gen x social inculcation
a firm belief in a distopic future
and my own natural tendencies toward
shamanism
hermitism
anti-establishment
whatever
= underground railroad
very strange

don't know why i'm telling you this

the even funnier thing is
when i would get really sad
or life became unmanageable
i would always soothe myself with thoughts of suicide
but
as from a few years ago
when i started to think of myself as a vessel
now
i don't even think that's funny
i would fight for life now
and that is so foreign
to my personality
that i'm not even sure who i am anymore

maybe
maybe i've really lost my mind entirely

but a desire to live and create life
hardly seems like a crazy thing
at least out of context
but the distinctly
sarah conner-esque
with just a soupcon (sorry no cedilla)
of old testament
feelings i have about the theoretical child
are maybe kinda crazy

i do keep trying to talk myself down
i just seem to be so sure

i got two different messages
at two different times
with specific information
one said:
as long as you have sex before february of 2011
you will have no problem
(uh oh)
although
i guess
technically
it didn't say with whom
*gasp*
(i have no plans to get laid)
or that any issue would come specifically from that
(but i ovulated today instead of the third, so...)
(god, i'm not even a chick now, that was such a woman thing, hmmm)
the other one said:
you'll have your daughter when you're 46
might all be bs anyway
who can say

doesn't look like i'm gonna sleep tonight

if it's all pretend
it's still real
but just so you know
i really really wanted to have your baby
and that's kind of a big thing for me

what the hell is up with me

from the moment
i first looked into your eyes
i have longed for you

sometimes
it has been
very specific
the longing

sometimes
just a crashing wave
of amorphous
aching
need

i have ached
ached to hear
just
one
real
word

well
really
maybe three

that can't be
explained away
taken back
as just my imagination
or delusional longing induced mania

i try to work around it
i never go a day
without thinking of you
have ceased to consider sex with anyone other than you
even an option
which
to be honest
freaks me the fuck out

in some ways
i feel i know you very well
in others
i worry that you are a complete stranger

and
maybe
you want me to think it is real
because
you believe that if i think it's only a muse thing
i won't maintain the intensity
that would make sense

which word should i take you at

what should i believe

if there's some special set of phrases
something you need me to say

i have been unable to say them

but
i have told you that i love you
and that
whatever it is you want me to be
i would try to be that
if you would only tell me

and
i have said from the beginning
or at least i thought i had
that i have needs
specific needs
really
just
one
specific need
in order to get the
what feels like the
whole rest of my life started

and
i get that that's difficult
and
i have tried to work around that
but
sometimes
i have to know something
and i ask
and then there's big trouble


i'm so in knots right now


what i want is for you to stroke my hair and kiss me and tell me that there is something that we can have together

sure
i'd like that to be a life together with a child and a home

but
what doesn't seem clear
what doesn't get through
is
i am not shopping around for a relationship
i am not trying you out

for better or worse
you're the one
and
maybe
for you
i'm a very needed ego boost

only now
maybe you're mad at me
or maybe
you're mad at something completely unrelated to me
and i just make it all about me
because i need to be upset
because then i get to pretend
you care

do you have any idea
how not able to deal with this
and yet still clinging to the dream
i have been for three years

can you see why
i would find it hard to believe
that you really want anything real from me
please tell me you can see that
(i mean you don't have to actually tell me)

i run scenarios
and i am shocked
shocked
by the bad deals
i would be willing to accept
if you were only willing to negotiate openly

i don't understand

the only frame of reference i have
that fits the pattern
is that you want to manipulate me
into doing things
which you can then
when they blow up in my face
say they were my own decisions
and walk away from

but that doesn't really fit the pattern

what's wrong with me
that i'm so scary that no man who loves me can talk to me unless he's drunk
what's wrong with me
that i still love someone so much who doesn't even want to say out loud
that he loves me [and i truly believe that he does with all his heart]
because why
because i'm going to entrap him?
because i'm going to ruin his status quo?
because i'm really that frightening?


my life makes no sense

not even a little


and
if you don't love me
or
you don't love me anymore
i have absolutely no ideas
about how to start putting the shattered pieces of my soul back together
so i really hope that is not the case

i'm so confused

also

i feel as though
i should be kind of
embarrassed
that
i kind of like
ed hardy
i mean
not every ed hardy
but the general concept

is that wrong

i mean
i'm not talkin about buying it
or wearing it
(although i could see a watch maybe)

i feel like i should be embarrassed
to admit
that i even like
looking at it

and i think
that might be a little strong, huh

and
while i'm discussing
bizarre
inappropriate stuff
when i was in vegas
i desperately wanted to buy you things
at the king baby store

www.kingbabystudio.com

and
where do you suppose that
comes from

imelda makes a come back

it has been bugging me
when i said i could have lost more weight
i don't like the impression that that leaves
i don't really think i should have
i mean
i'd like to snap my fingers
and have my best body option like now man now
but i think it's better
healthwise
the way i've been doing it

that being said
the reason
perhaps
that people are noticing i've lost weight
is that i had finally gotten some smaller pants
one of my genius shopping traits
i buy things that will stretch or whatever
and so
i've been still wearing
what now look like clown pants
and the new pants
are black linen like the ones i had
so i bought them
figuring they'd fit in 10 pounds
but they didn't
but they do now
now
don't get me wrong
i am still fat, okay
but
i'm liking it anyway
and pulling up the pants is getting irritating
so
today i bought more clothes

but i did not plan to buy shoes
but today i bought 3 pair
which is more than i have bought in
wow
like
3 years
combined
maybe four

and okay one pair has been on the agenda for awhile
a step and tone kind of walking shoe
but they're kinda pricey
and i'm spending all my dough on freaky food
but i found some for $20 at ross
they are like LA Fitness or somethin
so they probably won't last forever
but sketchers don't have a great track record with me either
and the ones i want are $200
whatever
blah blah blah

but the others
a pick stitch platform wedge clog
and an honest-to-god-heel
not like a spiked heel
but
back when i was younger
i had some beautiful shoes
i liked em so much
i had em in 2 colors
they were made by etienne aigner
who is not like jimmy choo
he doesn't have groupies
but he made clean understated shoes
with goddamn genius instep gussets

but for high-instep-girl they were awesome
but i got rid of them years ago
convinced
i'd never wear heels again

but today
shining at me from the clearance section
of tj maxx
soft leather shiny black etienne aigner 3 inch heels
and they fit kinda like a glass slipper

*sigh*

weird dream imagery

i can't remember everything

but i do remember
there was a cat
at least
i thought it was a cat

laying in a small pool of water
under the water
raising up occasionally
to breathe

but then it hadn't come up for a while
and i was doing something else
only vaguely aware
of the strangeness
of the cat
in water
but
i wasn't worried about it
it wasn't being restrained
the water wasn't deep

but then someone else came in
and i became aware of the cat again
was going to mention it to the other
and realized aloud:
it's been under a while
and there are no air bubbles coming up
oh my god
is it dead

we pulled it up
it was not a cat
it was a child
lifeless

there was another part
which
if i remember it
i'll add later

the pool was rather uterine
and we weren't as freaked out as seemed warranted
so i don't know

what the hell
does it mean

some sort of stream of consciousness

they say
if you become vegan
you won't get enough protein
and i was worried about that
and then i wasn't
i figured
if i lost some muscle
maybe
i'd be prettier
(seriously)
and it is possible that i have lost muscle

i had to lose 50 pounds
before i actually looked
like i thought i looked before
which is such a guy thing that it makes me laugh
and it's possible that when i reach my goal weight
i might actually have a pretty decent body
i can see the potential for it
but i'm possibly deluding myself in the same way
whatever
it doesn't do me any good to feel ugly
and i don't
but i find it hard to believe
you found me attractive before
that might be selling you short
and i don't mean it that way
i mean i wouldn't want to hit that, really
even though
in reality
it has only been with untouchable objects of desire
that i have ever thought like that
and there are plenty of cute fat girls
who look good fat
but i'm not one of them

but fat is such a good armor
and food is wonderful
there was never any incentive

and i probably could have lost more weight by now

but i haven't
i've only lost what i've lost
but
since i've been doing the thyroid thing
even though i've only lost 10 pounds
it seems to be making a difference
people are noticing
which is gratifying

and
i'm not sure what i'm saying

i used to think
i wanted to be wanted for other than my body
and that's true
but it wasn't as true as i thought it was
i found it depressing to be with someone
who had no physical attraction to me
so i worry
and
if you really understood how much
it might make me make more sense

i know it's crazy
i don't do anything to make myself
girlishly attractive
i am downright uncomfortable if i get hit on
i must send out signals to that effect
but
i really want you to think i'm beautiful

is that a chick thing

i got this eyeliner
(shocking, i know)
and i kinda painted it on
and
i didn't like it
it looked unnatural
but
my eyes were freakin huge

so
i guess
i could make more of an effort
like maybe
occationally

i'm writing this kinda willy nilly

i've had these very strange
dream images
that don't
in my estimation
make any sense
but
they are sticking with me
so i want to write them down

but
maybe you will read them
and find them disturbing
so i might not ought to write them
but i can't help it because of this one:

a small red frog
sitting in a puddle
a puddle of red
i'm not sure
i don't think it's blood
the frog seemed undamaged
i thought it might be one of those lick-y frogs
and the puddle a sort of watercolor-ombre-vermillion

the character seeing the frog
not me
some sort of secret agent
in a science fiction world
who picked up the frog
transformed it into a worm-like creature
stuck it into a fruit
and went gallivanting across the universe
going rogue as it were
to return the creature to it's homeland
like it was a sacred frog
she had to engage the help of her old friend
(apparently) angie dickinson
because the authorities were now trying to retire her

i don't understand any of that

it's the frog image that sticks with me
sitting in the puddle
looking up

and
maybe i should mention
one of the tarot decks i use
the seven of stones has a frog on it
which (the frog) sometimes represents cleansing
but in this case it represents motherhood beneath
a rainbow spectrum of indian mother goddess pictogram
which is to say lines with dot and raindrop shapes atop
the frog representing both the pregnant rotundity
and the squat traditionally employed
before the missionaries decided it was too sexual
and strapped them to their backs
legs in the air
not at all sexual
but perhaps one could argue anthropologically
it was about power, blah blah blah

and i thought
would have told you
that i received my first animal totem
from whoever it is that communicates
when i was about thirteen
and i would have told you it was bear
but recently
i've been noticing that i have
all these frogs
some carved wood or stone
some just memories
going back to
catching
and playing with them
as a small child
so i think
really
maybe frog was my first totem
but never officially given
so maybe not really a totem
maybe
more of an animal friend

whatever

the image remains
what do i do with it

what does it mean

and
maybe even stranger
in some ways
while all that was going on
i was in some sort of alternate reality
time bubble or something where i was living
in my aunt's old apartment
which was a tiny garage apartment
i think less than 400 square feet
it was quite, in fact, soundless
with the light streaming in the windows
and i thought:
why did i find this so small
there's plenty of room here
this is just perfect
and look
there's a balcony now
the balcony
just a framework
stand on the struts
or fall through

this seemed fine

but it doesn't seem fine to my waking mind
i had this dream four or five days ago
and i still keep returning there in my mind
it wants to be there
i feel happy in the dream
but i'm worried

i don't know how to go
with interpreting
there is a tree house quality
which could make it just another apartment dream
the lack of flooring
a dangerous thing
or a foundation to build upon
the soundless quality
the obvious floating dreamness
the bubble-like comfortable homeness
some sort of womb reference
or just a disconnect with reality

i know
i was telling myself something

what

but mostly
i want to know
is the little red frog ok

i learned something today...

well
it wasn't really today
it was some day this week
and
to be honest
i'm kinda sorry i learned it

you see
i never liked peanut butter
but at some point along the line
after i was grown even
i discovered that
that i like peanut butter candy
reece's and the like
but
i never equated that to actual peanut butter
i figured it was like any other candy
it doesn't really taste like what it is
well not what it's called
but that doesn't really matter
because
you know what the candy flavor means
whatever

but this week i discovered
quite by accident
that
peter pan peanut butter
tastes exactly like candy
and
even the small jars are not that small
and now all i want to eat is
peter pan peanut butter
and these gooey organic dates
unlike anything i've ever had before
(normally i can kinda take or leave dates)
but the chick at the organic co-op asked:
chewy or gooey
and now i wish i'd bought
more than one container
the dates at least are healthy
but that peter pan is like crack
or somethin


luckily
i'm luring myself away
(from consuming it for every meal--
i had my first peanut butter and jelly sandwich this week)
with this new sort of pilaf i came up with
gaba brown rice
black quinoa
hiziki
black sesame seeds
and tonight i had a sauce/broth with it
liquid aminos with saki
it's really healthy
and good
and

this is silly

but i really like the way it looks too

the last two nights

i can only remember
a very little bit
of some dreams
that had
i think
quite
a bit
of
information, which is to say, i'm sorry
i can't remember more of it, but
.......................anyway
...................night
...............before
.............last
.......was all
.....,,just

a walk

through some holiday some holiday in the park
like some maze of winter wonder
...............and i wish
..............i could
..........remember
.....specifics
...but
no


last night was much more

complicated, i

i remember
lying
on a
bed

looking into the eyes of a small child
but i don't know if it was my child
or not it was
your child
of that i'm confident
a little girl

and
i think i had gone back to school
to be certified in something
and i'm not sure if that was working out
and i think for one reason or another
that i was going to be separated
from the little girl

and
i think this was you
lashed out with some sort of power
in rage over the risk of
the separation
and
shattered
half
a
city
block


what do you suppose that means
when i woke up this morning
i was kinda freaking out
because it had
(the falling of the buildings)
this very tower-esque quality
and i tried to read the cards
over and over again
trying to calm myself down
but it's like i've got a short, lately
and it all bounces around
giving very choppy answers

it's like some sort of psychic a.d.d.

and the last time i asked for a sign

it seemed like the answer i got was a doozy
but i have no idea how to interpret it

i went to whole foods
the one i walked to before
only i drove this time
and they overcharged me
which they almost always do, actually
and it's usually only a dollar or so
and i used to never notice until later
and i just blew it off
but i have started checking before i leave
since it seemed to be a pattern
and
sure enough
only they had overcharged me
by like six bucks
and that was after the two bucks i caught at the register
and i started to just huff
but then leave
because the
customer service desk was closed
and i'd have to get back in line
and also some martyr complex
or victim mentality
or somethin

but
i didn't
i told myself:
that's really stupid
and
i ended up getting this guy
who's all like:
oh yeah what we usually do is give you the first
item of two that we screw up on free and then
the second one we give you the difference
blah blah blah
my refund was
fifteen dollars

for my trouble

so what's the moral of that story:

always shop in the wealthy part of town ?!?????!

i mean
there had to be
a serious message
in more than double your money back

and i'm gonna tell you about the dream... but first

i want to catch you up on stuff

i was sick
full-on
actually
sick
and i still am
a little
i pretty nearly lost my voice
and i have
residual
fluids
yuck
but
i never really felt as
oh-my-god-just-let-me-die
i used to get with the flu

that's one thing

also
for new years i tried a new wine
and i do believe it is my new house white
(my house red being the 14 hands red blend)
it is called evolution: lucky edition
and i have to admit
i was tempted to buy it just for the name
but i don't usually drink white wines
because they are too peach-y
or too acid
or too something
and i just like red wine
but
steve the wine vendor guy said:
it's a blend of 9 wines
it's not too anything
so i chanced it
you should try it, it's great
and i know champagne is traditional for new years
but
whatever

i discovered a new food
i hadn't ordered any of that stuff
(can't get it at the store)
so i got some raw tahini
(well it's got some cashew too)
some umeboshi paste
some black sesame seeds
and i mixed all that together with
trusty old brown rice vinegar
and
it's delish
but i don't know what to tell you that it tastes like
cheese
i'm going with cheese
but
i could totally thin it and use it as like
a thousand island-esque sandwich spread
or
if i stretch my imagination a little
it's kinda like a very relish-y mayo-y tuna salad
also
i had this pot-luck thing to go to
so
i made mac and cheese
and i forgot how much i love mac and cheese
which i actually made with cheese
i wanted to use smoked gouda
but the cheap grocery
doesn't carry it
so
i went with (a little) velveeta and (mostly) chipotle jack
and truffle oil
and margarine
coulda used more cheese
but it went over well

so i'm not completely out of touch
with "normal" food
if you call truffle mac and cheese normal

and
i've been buying pre-made hummus
because it's way easier than skinning chickpeas
and besides
the few times i tried
the texture was all wrong
and blah blah blah
but today
i made some pretty decent hummus
with
believe it or not
kombu
and umeboshi paste mixed in
the taste wasn't perfect
but the texture was spot on

and maybe
this isn't super interesting
but it is the stuff
that's getting me excited
so
i felt the need to jabber on

i had a very very strange dream last night

i was at some sort of
conference
or convention
or something
and

i'm hesitant to tell you this

i picked up some chick

who might
or might not have been
someone i used to have a relationship with
but
we didn't actually have sex
or anything
we just went back to the room
and lay together in the extremely narrow bed

there were these guys
sleeping on the floor
in this hallway
or alcove
or something
which was weird
but
it didn't seem to be all that strange
not in the dream
because i was talking to them
joking
friendly
not to the point of flirting
but comfortable

there was a guy
but it wasn't you
who was all
disapproving
and wanting to know all my whereabouts
i can't remember specifics
maybe
maybe i was splitting my energy
maybe i was just avoiding
but
i wasn't too happy with either of them

but
it felt like
some sort of compilation
of bad relationship bullshit
but without much emotion attached

so i went
out to the bar
and i start to talk to the bartender
but
for some reason
everything i say is too dangerous
he won't let me talk in front of others
so
for every line
we had to leave the room
and it was pissing me off to no end
what the hell did i say, anyway

so
and this is the weirdest part
even though the things in the dream were all not happy
i was very happy as i faded in and out of sleep
because somehow
i had the impression you were with me
though i wouldn't say you were in the dream
it was like
any second
you were going to appear
so i kept snoozing as long as i could

and i found these shoes
not even vaguely
something i'd wear
i have very specific shoe criterion
in real life

(not like when i was younger
and apparently aspired to be imelda marcos)

these shoes
in the dream
and i mean, i was very excited about them
square toed
ballet flats
with a bow (jeez)
black with a kind of pick stitch pattern
they fit perfectly
and i was trying to ask the bartender
about them
but then i had to wake up
so i never got the shoes
nor did i see you in the dream

and even though i woke up with a headache
i continued to have the residual feeling that
you were with me
not like a ghost
i can't explain it

and what the hell did that dream mean
there might be bits i can't remember
which might be important or clarifying
but i tend to think it was pretty sketchy