well

I busted out that 1.7 liter bottle of tequila
the one I bought when you broke my heart
and my father died
I drank more than half of it back then
and in the ensuing years
I've had recreational margaritas
like three or four times
I think
I'm gonna buy
another bottle
probably not that big
one can always buy more
if necessary
but
tequila
helps
sometimes
the cat's not dead
he's ok-ish
for now

hoping to get my car back today

I hope you are doing ok
I feel exhausted and a little overwhelmed
the cat is a little better
but
I can't really go into
the forms of intervention he requires
but
he was catatonic for a whole day after
and I have to do it again tonight
anyway
fingers crossed
sorry to be cryptic
love you

doll dreaming

I fell asleep on the sofa
petting my cat
and I dreamed
about antique stores with giant doll houses
I woke up
my back hurt
I had to go to actual bed
I dreamed
a really strange dream


I went somewhere with you
and I was injured, so I was in a wheel chair
and we saw a show or something, together


then you were talking to Norm MacDonald
who, in the dream, was your friend
he was telling you
that you really shouldn't be seen with me
and you were telling him
I wish I could remember the exact words
because it was beautiful


I was you light
or something like that
but you elaborated


he looked at me
he fucks everything up
all his opportunities


yeah, maybe, I say
I've certainly noticed a trend
but
what can I say
I love him


I'm not sure
if Norm was happy
or exasperated with that answer

very groggy today

and
I'm upping my msm
I stopped taking everything while I was sick
except the sick meds
and
I haven't been able to get everything
back to how it was before
but
I was on very minimal
maintenance dosages
so
whatever
I feel dehydrated
and
unmotivated
I want a back massage
and a pep talk


I love you
have a good day today sweetheart

it doesn't make sense

I came in later
I got more sleep
I'm more exhausted
achey {sp?}
I'm just less into this whole change-over thing
I want my ink to come
I want to play
I have to figure out which purse
I (of course) want a new one
I have one I like
but it's rigid and the locker was destroying it
I have one I don't like the handles on
it was a gift
maybe
I could get it altered
pretty sure the shoe hospital does that
not sure what it'd cost
or
maybe I could get a bigger sakroots bag
don't know
don't want to be here


love you

i started writing with a fountsin pen in college

I found one at the drug store that was five dollars
cartridges were cheap too
fun colors
pens and inks
I would get this recycled paper
that just sucked up the ink
and take notes galore
I could switch the cartridge without missing a beat
but
at some point
they stopped selling my five dollar pens
and although I have had others
including some expensive montblancs
I don't really like to carry around expensive stuff
I feel more comfortable
if it doesn't have to be precious


so
finding these inks
that come with a free pen
is quite exciting
but
then I ordered a twenty dollar pen too
not too precious
but
I love fountain pens
and I haven't written with one in years
I got on this manga pen kick
and
kinda lost my way
plus
since I've had the smart phone
and the tiny purse
I haven't been carrying a journal
but
I miss it
it's a thing, ya know

i'm at work

isn't that crazy
and like
wrong

i woke up to pee

and
I'm dreaming about fountain pen ink

i'm working overnight today thru wednesday

I'm not enjoying it all that much
but
whatever
it isn't that bad either


love you

good morning sweetheart

have a really good day
ok
I'm going to try
to have a good day too
maybe the act of trying
will make it better

i dreamed i went to a french gynecologist

I was younger
and thinner
and he handed me a small comb
with hair dye to dye my pubic hair
kind of a burgundy color
then he filled me up with
some kind of foam
and
I think I got some kind of shot
I looked at myself
in the mirror
and
I was pleased


I'm not sure what that's about
I did see a scary commercial
for vaginal atrophy
last night
before I fell asleep
on the sofa
but
I had this dream right before I woke up
just now


there was also
short order cook
my dad shitting on the floor
of his therapists bathroom
refusing to clean it up
and swimming poorly in deep water


so
what does any of that mean

so, not today

today
he's full of fluids
appetite stimulants
antibiotics
but
sooner rather than later
my little guy
is going away

kidney failure

he just got up, walked to his food bowl

and ate like he had an interest
that might be a good sign
maybe

i'm really worried about my cat

he's been getting gradually thinner
which isn't good
it isn't necessarily bad
as such
he's getting old
he's officially the oldest cat I've ever had
he's sixteen
he's got spina bifida
which I didn't know when I got him
but I have known for roughly thirteen years
and
I didn't think he was going to live to be old
but
he seemed fine
until wednesday evening
and he really hasn't eaten or
drunk much
since then
he seems very wobbly on his feet
he seems super frail
I don't know if there's anything wrong with him or not
but
by the time I get off work tomorrow
there's only emergency vet until Monday
he will be mad at me for the vet
and it might just be unnecessary
but
he might be sick
he might need fluids
or
he might just be dying
I'm afraid if I take him
I might end up
ya know
not coming home with him
but he doesn't seem in pain
I am not ready
I love this cat so much
I'm not gonna get over him


god please let my cat be ok

released without paneling!

my favorite kind of jury duty
plus there's the sweet free metro
and that juicy six bucks
that comes in the mail
so you have it to savor and look forward to
seriously
I would rather they kept it
 put it to good use
six bucks is not enough to change anyone's life
but hundreds of six bucks add up
anyway
waiting for tea shop to open
celebratory tea


my prayers were answered
I prayed for released without paneling
YAY

it didn't end up so bad

I was able to lift ok
I didn't get comparatively all that much done
but
it wasn't so busy
that I was running around, either
like on the Friday that made me so sick
I have to sleep now
so I can get up super early
to catch the bus to jury duty
sigh
they better not pick me
I can't handle it
but
next week's overnights got pushed to Q2
very excited
[second quarter, at least 3 months]


love you

i still feel so bad

I'm just praying I don't have to lift much
Tuesday I didn't seem to be able to at all
and I was uncertain on my feet
yesterday
I was sitting on the sofa
and I was so exhausted
I fell asleep
sitting up
I don't feel good about today
not at all

ok, i'm about to go to bed

but I just reread that last post
and I'm not sure it made sense
I did not go to work today
but I think I messed myself up
going Thurs and Fri
I got the dr note
on sat
not sure I told you about that
I'm cleared to return to work Tuesday
then I should have wed off still I hope
then I have jury duty Friday
and then the overnight madness begins


love you

i just ordered, and ate, the most food i've eaten in a week

brown rice
broccoli
something called shrimp bun
which I expected to be, like, ya know, dim sum
but which turned out to be like a salad
and soup
I feel a little overwhelmingly full
Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday
I had energy to make food
but
Thursday, Friday, Saturday
not so much with the eating
also
I love powdered Gatorade
I love it
lemon-lime salty goodness
I think
I'm almost not dehydrated anymore
I'm not faking
I'm really still sick
probably shouldn't have gone to work
but
you can't just take off work
anyway
I may get some repercussions at work
but
I'm I destroy myself
it's not like they're gonna help me out
and
I think I have to work
possible three overnight periods in march
starting with the first week
sucks to be me


love you