running 102.2 fever

going to the doctor
well, the clinic in the CVS
I'm not sure what they're going to do
but I'm hoping for cough syrup
it doesn't take as much to mess me up
and I'm already coughing so hard my back hurts
I forget how bad flu can be
I was probably working all day yesterday
with 102 fever
that's why it was so hard to function
but I felt like I needed a doctor's note
to not go in today
and i felt like
that was the best plan

i love you

i feel like i might pass out any minute

I'm going to bed
I probably should see a doctor
but they just give you antibiotics
which do more harm than good
unless it's bacterial
I feel really shitty

i didn't go to work today

and i didn't go to the doctor either
I did promise to find a doctor to go to
if I don't feel any better tomorrow
but
I already feel a little better, so
yesterday I slept a lot
today I went back to bed
but got up three hours later
to check in at work
and I felt hella dehydrated
so I'm up and forcing fluids
I greatly increased my milk thistle
well, I say greatly
I normally take one in the morning and one at night, but today
I took two in the morning
two more when I called in at work
two more just now
and, depending on how long I'm up
I'll do that once or twice more
also I'm taking echinacea and golden seal
so I'm covered
whatever this is
that oughta knock I out
if I'd been a little more together yesterday
but whatever
I wish the headache would go away
but
it is better
and I haven't taken anything for it
because it's counter indicated
with other stuff in doing
so I'd rather not
if I can stand it


I'm excited because I'm starting a new anti-inflammatory protocol
bromelain and quercetin
which is nicely multi tasking


love you

i called in sick today

I woke up with a migraine
and my back all seized up
like the kind of body ache you get
with really bad flu
I didn't really need to be there
I am ahead on ordering
and almost out of funds
so I just called in sick
I've been sleeping off and on all day
I still don't feel at all well
not sure what's wrong with me
I'm going back to sleep in a few minutes here
hope you had a great day
if I don't feel better I'm not going tomorrow either
but then I feel like I should go to the doctor
and I'm not doing that
so
whatever
goodnight sweetness

it probably would have been more special

if I had left the house today
but
I don't like to go amongst the humans
if I don't have to
I didn't do laundry
and I didn't make my buffalo cauliflower
because I didn't get hungry again
so
I don't know
I need more face masks
I hope
you're not
angry at me
for what I said earlier
but
it's just true
goodnight sweetness
hope you had a good day

i haven't been getting enough sleep

and I've been falling asleep on the sofa
and then not sleeping well
and
I guess
as a consequence
my pain level is eeking back up
I was going to sleep late
but
when I got up to pee
I almost couldn't stand
which wasn't my legs fault
it was my feet
and
I've had that
off and on
since college
like some kind of planar thing
except
with most people that doesn't go away
but with me it does
anyway
I went back to sleep
and i just got up


wow
happy valentines to me!


I've got stuff I was gonna do
and stuff I need to do
and now I need to add an Epsom salts bath to the list


but
from the extra sleep
the pain level is way down


YAY


I thought about doing this whole
mimosas and fancy breakfast thing
but
probably not, now


I don't know why I'm playing with valentines
this year
I don't usually care
but
this year
it seems fun
and
I've had some trauma
and soul searching
this year already
and I don't know what I really believe
but my life is not the best
and I'm unclear on how to fix it
and
I need extra love right now
so
I'm giving myself valentines
I guess
although
sleeping late
doing laundry
taking a bath
cooking
this is shit I usually do on Sunday


so I'm not sure how I'm moving this to special
but
I AM


I had really weird dreams
that should have been disturbing
I don't think I want to say
out loud
it sounds bad, I think
I don't think it was about you at all
so maybe I can keep the horror story to myself


happy valentines day

no analysis

ok.  so here's what needs to happen:  i need a sign.  not a sign about him.  a sign about me.

i need  a sign that'll make my life make some kind of sense.

i throw two grapefruits and a couple raw food bars in my lunch bag and slam out the back door.  while the car heats up i write you that that's what i'm doing--  asking god for a sign.  the car doesn't like to back up when it's cold, but today isn't too cold.  fingers crossed.

so,to reiterate. god.  i need a sign today that explains my life.  i need it to make sense.  thanks. :)

i back up.  hardly a shutter.  i drive to the end of the row, turn, turn again.  now i'm headed to the exit.  i'm almost there when i get a text.  maybe it's the boss man texting me to say he's late and i will dodge the bullet of being late two days in a row.

i stop.  i dig out the cell from my tiny little purse.  it's kyle, my new wine rep.

"i will be delivering your order today so do not be alarmed when it does not come by regular delivery."

"k"

my car gets three radio stations well:  104 KRBE top 40 hits, Sunny 99.1 and The Bull 100.3.  none of these would beon my short list, but it's a ten to twenty minute drive depending on traffic, and, besides, whatever, i've grown used to them.  i flip trough until i find a song.  Oh no.  not that one.  why can't it be the boat song.  that makes me laugh.  whatever dude, you say that to her now, but are you really gonna feel that way if you never get to do anything except her?  and thirty years she might not look that good in either dress.  but i'm deflecting.  it hits me.  it's too close to my book of symbols.

my pain level was higher today.  maybe because yesterday was the last day of the furniture sale, so i was pulling furniture for people all day yesterday.  the door is unlocked when i check, which is unusual, but which reduces my embarrassment for my lateness, fifteen minutes, which is extremely late for me.  i go clock in seventeen minutes late.


i check the beer wall.  we don't really need anything.  i should get something.  because we'll sell beer over the weekend for the superbowl.  maybe they'll be some new seasonals.  i check the email.  markdowns thursday.  no signage for chocolate beer which might or might not be on sale for the all chocolate is on sale day.  glad i ordered up on that.

"did you see the email from megan about how you were number one"

"are you talking about the case sale thing from the other day?  i saw that.  but i'm only 80 units up on the woodlands, so not that impressive."

"they're beating you in percentage, but you are beating them in sales."

"well yeah.  but not by the kind of numbers it should be.  the heights is definitely hurting my sales.  what i don't get is why they are keeping track of percentages.  why is it better if more of my department sales are case sale sales--  we make less money on them.  is it just to show we're pushing the program?  and, if so, does college station not push the program; i thought they were program pushers from way back but their percentage is only like thirty."

"they aren't old enough."

"to have money to buy a case?"

"to buy alcohol.  they're college kids."

"but then they don't go into the percentage at all, it's case sale total to dept total."

"they don't have our customers, they just have a bunch of people wandering through

"oh, i finished that paperwork."

"what paperwork?"

"the stuff you said i needed to have finished before wednesday when you left town.  you probably saw it was in there, but i wanted to let you know that that's all of it."

"yeah, every once in a while i say something managerial.  tell kevin i said something managerial monday."

we had actually had the conversation on saturday.  i had told him i might not finish it on saturday.  i did, in fact, finish it on saturday.  i had just forgotten to tell him it was all complete when i had seen him on monday.



kyle came with the order.

it had gotten messed up somehow and he didn't want to have it not come again.  so he brought it in his truck.  he's on like his third week.  apparently he loves to come to my store.  from my perspective he comes in, i give him a sheet of paper, maybe he upstocks a little.  i've had almost no interaction with him.  but from his perspective i am one of his few non-diva accounts.  i'm fun.  i spent maybe fifteen or twenty minutes talking to him.  there is no way he's over twenty five.  he told me about his other accounts.  and i said "now that you've made the standards clearer you can expect me to be much higher maintenance in future."  he laughed.

but i've hear this stuff before.  brittany, the one before the one before him--  she quit back in october, maybe--  she was trained in social work, but when she moved here ended up getting a job for republic.  she quit right before the most profitable time of year because they were all just too mean.  "not you,"  she said  "you're great, but a lot of them are just really really mean."


and then it was just one beer rep after another.

usually i text em, "anything new?"  they tell me, i text em the order.  i got in that habit because i didn't have time to deal with em.  and the orders weren't all that big.  and blah blah.

but they all came in today, and none of them had anything new or impressive to tell me, but it took a lot of time. by the time i was through i was almost two hours late for my lunch.

i was hungry.

i sat down.  i started eating my grapefruits and playing with my phone.  a few minutes later they are paging me to the wine dept.  i am eating my lunch.  i do not go.  then sergio comes to tell me there is someone in my dept.  "i'm eating lunch,"  i say.

"it's a rep from southern star,"  he says.

"well, send him back here,"  i say.

a few minutes later denis comes back to tell me there is someone in my dept.

"it's a gentleman from southern star, and he would just really ,like to meet you."

"well, i'm eating my lunch.  he can come back here where i am to meet me, or he can wait ten minutes and i'll come out there to meet him--  his choice."

denis is a new supervisor, and he gave me a look, like it maybe wasn't appropriate to behave in the way i was behaving.  but here's the thing.  i don't order from them.  i don't work for them.  these are company reps who at best will tell you what their new products are, or offer to do a tasting for you.  at worst they will act like you work for them and start a big debate about how much product you do or do not have, where it is, how old it is, etc.  the law says i get an uninterrupted thirty minute lunch.  that rarely happens, but i'll be damned if i'm missing my lunch for whoever this guy turns out to be.

he doesn't come back.  when i go out, in exactly ten minutes, he's long gone.



so i'm working on stuff.  and i go to the front of the store, i can't remember why., but no sooner do i get there than i hear this voice,  "excuse me, we need help."

it is a blind couple with large labradore service animals.  "of course, how can i help you?  is there something i can help you find?"

"i want to buy a candle for my mother."

i took him to candles, picked out scents close to what he was describing for him to smell.  that was pretty easy.  then he wanted a "plate" for the candle.  luckily we only had two.

"this one," i handed it to him "is a small mosaic of mirror, does that make sense?"

"yes i remember mosaic, i know what that means."

"it is only a little bigger than the candle base, but there is enough room to catch drips, if there are any, but this type of candle tends not to drip.  it is $2.99.  this one," i again hand it to him, "is bigger, it has a coppery finish with a green patina, it has a design etched into it, it looks kind of aztec.  it's $6.99.  it's pretty.  the other one is pretty too;  it's simpler."

he chose the lavender candle and mirrored mosaic "plate"

"ok.  what else can i help you find?"

"last time i was here, you had some paperweights with animals in them."

"oooo i'm not sure if we still have those.  let me find out."

i go ask michelle, who just came back from mardi gras and seems like she had a good time, if she knows anything about paperweights.  she takes me to a stack of five.  all of them are scotty dogs.

"we have this one kind left," i tell him "they are all scotty dogs."

"oh, i wanted a labrador."

then, we look at bells.  lunch bags.  the entire contents of the home office dept.  this is where i found more paperweights, including one with a labrador puppy which was half price.

we did a sketchy run through the gourmet dept.  looked for soda made with cane sugar.  ended up with coconut water.

we looked at all the toys.

we looked at tea kettles.

we looked at bath accessories.

we finished up with more candles.

well, so far

my boss told me
I am the only employee he has
that is irreplaceable
which is nice, I guess
but
I'm not sure
what it says about my life

today

I am asking god
for a sign
that makes sense of my life
which feels to me, right now, as though
it doesn't make much sense
I will write you something tonight
based on what happens


I love you
I hope you have a beautiful day

legs

when I was in college
there was a stage I went through
that I think of as my exercise addiction stage
and
at that point
I marveled at the way my legs seemed
springy
like
rather than impacting the cement
I seemed to bounce
like tigger or some shit


but
the last few days
I am having a concomitant experience


I'm not springy
but my legs
they feel like normal legs
not like some heavy shit I gotta drag around


I feel
physically
like
almost


no don't jinx it


good


like
maybe
I might pirouette through the store


I'm not sure why
maybe it just reached a tipping point
I've been getting better


so
cool

weird dreams

I dreamed about this room
I can't remember all the context
but
they took me to this room
which was bliss, or whatever
there was a guy there
plugged in
so to me it just looked like coma
but
that's what he wanted, supposedly
then, somebody with me
again, I don't remember who or why
or who they were to me
just the action of it
drank a bunch of swigs of this
like juice or something
and just winked out of existence
supposedly, he became part of the room
so
since it was bliss
is supposed to be like
dying and going to heaven


the room just didn't seem that damn good


lot of pattern and texture, though


there were more dreams
I was a police officer
I had to go to a party
where something had happened
I knew the people
and I didn't want to go


driving winding roads at night


then before I woke up
I was failing to sell people coffee beans
couldn't help them
partially because they were the kind of customer who will not be made happy
and partly
because I didn't seem to have any idea what we had-- stockwise
what is your most recent blend
I didn't know


then
we were closing
but then it was a house
and the bedroom didn't get cleaned properly
the wrapper was still on the spray cleaner
I'm opening them
collecting litter
preparing to clean


the dream is telling me
or the meta dream
a new way to sign my name
where the last letter becomes a 7
is more powerful
will bring me luck

it's one week til my birthday

and you'd think
maybe
I'd be unhappy about it
but
I'm not
I'm excited
which makes no sense
nobody is throwing me a big party
and I have to work
but
I still think
wow, it's my birthday,  cool
hopefully I'll do something fun
probably should start workin that out now
but
there's always birthday cake
which is awesome
and for some reason
49 seems cool again
which hasn't happened since 41 or 42
I think
whatever
I'm falling apart
and aging
but
maybe I'll get a penata or play pin the tail on the donkey like when I was a kid
who can say
I can't
it's a very real possibility

next week is a promo reset so weird hours again

don't freak out
I don't know when the internet will be fixed
I will be getting up in the middle of the night
and going to be in the afternoon
I might be grumpy
plus
I have to go to dinner with my mom
on Thurs or Fri
after I'm done
but
you are not the source of the grumpy
even if I get grumpy
which
ya know
I might not
it went pretty good last time
so we'll see
should have gotten up early today
but decided to sleep late instead
yesterday
I went to tjmaxx and they had "free people" there, which I was inclined to just pass by as a trendy brand, but
they looked so slouchy bohemian
I had to try them on
and I found one shirt I liked
I bought two
they are navy blue
same shirt I mean, just quantity two
I do that when I find a shirt I really like
it's part of how I wear the same stuff for years and years
well, and I wash everything on delicate

i love you

I'm a little worried about you
but
I'm not sure why
hopefully everything is ok
and
you had a great new year

super tired

took a half a melatonin
goin to sleep
love you
have a good night sweetheart

i love you once, i love you twice, i love you more than beans and rice

my phone says
day after thanksgiving
all day
for some reason
I think this is very funny
but
it's probably not really
all that funny
but
I'm taking my laughs where I can get em
today, at least

Gratefullness

i didn't grow up with a tradition of gratefullness

by which i mean

we didn't sit around the table on Thanksgiving

each declaring to the other

for X i am grateful

for Y i am grateful

it was food

and football

and family fighting, generally

sometimes followed

by poker

[five card draw, mostly, sometimes blackjack]

or monopoly

[i like to be the thimble]

[my father always cheated]

and

maybe it's too late to start with the gratefullness

i don't know

maybe start small

today

today i like coffee
and eye balm
and mood altering lipgloss
and supplements that keep me functioning

[reasonably pain free]

hot dang o.g. veggie burgers

[which i'm having for thanksgiving dinner]

smoked cheese

[ditto]

technology

and

you

fell asleep on the sofa

gonna go ahead and get up fairly early
because I have to got to work at 5am on Friday
(but then I get off at 2 or 3, hopefully)
I meant to write you something
I love you
so much
sleep tight baby

omg omg omg

Damien is gonna make me a wig
I have been wanting
don't laugh
pink dredlocks
for, like, years
but
I'm not even gonna try to do that to my hair
but
he knows how to make wigs
I'm very very excited
I'm not sure how fast all this I gonna happen
but
I think YouTube girl
is gonna have a persona
I don't feel represented, somehow
don't freak out