THAT

is the FIRST time 

I can remember her saying 

THANK YOU 

that SOUNDED like

she MIGHT 

have meant it

OK

VISUALIZING 

a BIG black box

AROUND myself 

& LIMITING 

EYE contact 

is proving to be

PRETTY effective 

ALSO

NO

EXTRA talking

DON'T 

FILL

DON'T 

try to entertain 

DON'T 

hold yourself to some

STANDARD 

of politeness or whatever 

YOU want me to be HERE 

I'm HERE

BUT 

NOT all the STUFF 

BECAUSE 

what I'd like to say 

& MIGHT some day is

THIS is GRACE 

you didn't 

EARN THIS 

you don't DESERVE it 

I'm GIVING you, or I have been, an enormous GIFT

which you are SQUANDERING 

because you don't 

SEE my VALUE 

AND

I KNOW you are a

ONE TRICK PONY

thinking that your money

will buy you what you

CAN'T be BOTHERED to DO

APPROPRIATELY 

BUT 

you're KIDDING yourself 

AND

DEEP DOWN 

you KNOW that

I am NOT motivated by money

& you've done

NOTHING 

to BUILD

LOVE

~spending the day with mom

ACTUALLY 

you're just like betty 

is an 

ESCALATION from self conscious 

THAT

would SET OFF

SOMETHING 

that would for SURE 

involve the EYES BUGGING scarily

& SCREAMING 

I'm wondering 

IF 

rather than try to treat her

as though she was a

GOOD person 

who cared

about me

& JUST REFUSE to accept anything else 

JUST ignore or whatever 

I WONDER 

IF

it would be at ALL useful to 

IMAGINE 

HOW 

I could treat her

EQUIVALENTLY 

it could be 

FUNNY 

OR

it could be 

VIBRATION lowering 

I'm not sure what I think about it

I MEAN 

if I'm not DOING it 

FIRST THING 

point out

something she's likely to be 

SELF CONSCIOUS about

WOW

you are looking so...

uh, HEALTHY 

really

BIG presence there

should we maybe stop and buy you some next size up diapers 

have you HEARD anything from 

MEREDITH 

OH

that's 

RIGHT 

you don't have any human interaction skills

& you don't really CARE about anyone but yourself 

SHE REALIZED 

your ADVICE is sh*t

& you aren't ACTUALLY CAPABLE of 

HELPING 

she's MOVED ON from you

because she's realized 

you're just like betty 

it is

KINDA funny

BUT 

it doesn't make me feel BETTER 

for CONTEXT 

the whole time I was growing up 

if I WANTED dessert 

there was a

HUGE amount of SHAMING 

& talk about

FAT PILLS 

BUT 

since she

KNOWS I want to lose weight 

she 

PUSHES it on me

& she eats dessert 

EVERY time 

BUT 

when she gains weight 

she blames me

because I switched out

SOME

of her fruit

for sardines 

which I pointed out was

almost exactly the same calories

BUT 

contained protein 

I'mma STOP 

I'm not trying to 
PILE ON

I'm just giving CONTEXT 

I don't know what I did

I slept late

I ordered food again 

I WANTED 

a po boy

BUT 

I talked myself down

to

buffalo crawfish salad

from ragin cajun 

I LOVE you VERY much 💋

I wanted to SAY

SOMETHING 

meaningful 

BUT 

I don't SEEM to be 

managing to do THAT 

I'm not depressed 

I'm working through some stuff 

in my HEAD 

BUT 

I'm not SPRINGING into

ACTION 

I need to sleep 

I have lost

SOME

weight

my face looks BETTER to me

& I don't feel puffy

BUT 

I MEAN not a LOT 

of weight

I'm trying to 

FEEL like myself in a way that EXTENDS 

OUTWARD from myself 

my mother texted me earlier 

that it's Houston restaurant weeks

& then she's like

SO

LOOK on there

& PICK places you want to go 

PLEASE & THANK YOU 

BUT 

their website is terrible for that

SO

after a few attempts 

I'm LIKE 

yeah, Joyce's is on the list

THEN

hours LATER she sends me a text

???

to which I reply  ???

I guess it was a work project 

COMPILE a REPORT 

& I guess it was

DUE

I'm LIKE 

Joyce's 

she's like, yeah but we go there already 

I'm LIKE 

then pick some places you want to go

I have only ever gone to places I already liked

or places I specifically wanted to try

& not even that much of that

it's just not much of an

EXCITEMENT 

for me

I'm trying to get myself to 

MAKE FOOD 

I'm just

not that into it

I've never really been that into it

it's a good program 

BUT 

it's a three course meal that usually includes 

DESSERT 

& I don't really want that for lunch

ya KNOW 

I want to go to the AUTOMAT

the IDEA that I'm supposed to spend a bunch of time using their "search tool" to find every

WHAT

every place nearby 

every place

I'M interested in

because she's gonna love all my sushi choices 

my vegetarian choices

I'm LIKE 

NOT interested in THAT

when we were in Austin

I asked her if she would be okay with a vegetarian restaurant & she's like yeah

SO

we went to mr natural

which had a BIG 

LIKE three feet high

RIGHT NEXT to us on the wall

💯 VEGETARIAN 

& she goes to order the mr natural burger

& she's ASKING the waitress

if it's ORGANIC BEEF

yeah, it's not any kind of beef

we are 💯 VEGETARIAN 

I remembered 

at st*rb*cks when we would go to leadership 

they would tell us to bring all this

STUFF 

compiled reports 

for break out sessions 

& at first I DID 

BUT 

nobody else seemed to

& I could pretty much 

RATTLE that stuff 

OFF from memory

ANYWAY 

SO 

I stopped doing the pre-work

& it was completely 

NO BIG DEAL 

I KINDA 

took her

ASSIGNMENT 

like that

I feel like 

COMPILE a list for me 

of places I would like to go

is bullsh*t make work

& THAT was WAY MORE thought 

than I wanted to spend

BUT 

there you go

goodnight sweetheart ☄️

🫶 🫶 🫶 👾🫚🍀🔥🫶🫶🫶