i haven't been able to write the sex scene

i woke up this morning
and
i tried to masturbate
i haven't in a long time
and
i thought i'd give it a go
it was not completely unsuccessful
there was lubrication
which i was worried might not happen
that's what i've been reading
and
i did [sort of] finish
but it was weak
and i'm not a one time girl
i mean
i typically would not consider less than three or four
to be even marginally finishing

but
ya know
i'm out of practice and i may need to buy a device
anyway
that didn't put me in the mood the way i hoped it would
but
it did make me feel kinda warm and cozy
and ya know
i told myself how much i loved me and stuff

so then
what i really wanted to do
was go to coffee shops
and walk along canals
and
live in a canal boat with you
and
i tried to work sex into those places
i was originally thinking of locations
and
it just ended up being a like joyful romp through the happytown
happy to be alive, moments of joy
spinning down the street in the sunshine

i had a great day with you
but every time i tried to work things around to sex
it just seemed sort of heavy and intense

i'm sorry
i know i said i would write it
maybe you were really looking forward to reading it
but i couldn't


goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

so now you're wearing a tuque
and a peacoat
you're sidling up to me
askin me if i've seen the "white whale"

have i ever been to the spermaceti room

i have not


up till now
you've had your coat pulled close
hands in your pockets
squinting
you've said aaaaarrrrr more than once
but now
you lean dramatically against the wall
all your weight on one hand
your coat falls open
you shift your hips popping forward
you are wearing thick canvas sailor pants
the kind that button up on both sides of a front placket
they are wide leg and not especially form fitting
but
as you push your hips forward
something is moving in the front of your pants

maybe it's an eel
some dread sea serpent
hell, maybe it's animatronic

i think of the bull in urban cowboy
shit, that's mixin metaphors

it's just the urge to ride
i guess

i gotta go to bed now
please come dance in my dreams
i'm pretty into this concept

i love you sweetheart

so
you've been dancing around in my head
you're up on an gantry
which completely circles the room
i'm in the lower room
which is dark
and smoky
and slightly strobing
[somewhat based on early 90s pacific street]
but also
not like that at all
the chairs look like giant peyote buttons
and there are brightly colored phantasmagorical images
swirling around
which might be an elaborate light show
or might be hallucinatory

you have traded your pixelated block edit
for an enormous cod piece
it's a prickly cactus
with a flower at the end

which is ridiculous
but
somehow
mesmerizing

weird fantasy stuff that i saw in my head last night

when i was thinking about you in suspenders

suddenly i saw you
in the suspenders
and
some sort of like chaps
there was a point in my life
when i saw men in chaps
semi frequently
and it's kinda weird to see a grown man
walking down the street with his ass cheeks exposed
but
the front was always covered
and
i can't now remember how that worked
if the front was leather
or jeans
but

in your case
for the sake of this fantasy
it was the front that was uncovered
so
like your leather fetish suspenders
were holding up these leather chaps
and your man parts were exposed

i found that enjoyable
although the focus was a bit hazy
i, apparently, have a pretty clear idea
of what kind of penis i like
though i haven't really seen that many of them
and i'm very hesitant to paint myself a picture of yours
because
i guess i still think i might see it someday
and i don't want to ruin it
but having painted myself into a corner


i didn't picture the actual sex, either
i guess it was enough to watch you
strutting around
in leather chaps
but
i guess i should mention
not like leatherman black leather
no
and not assless

it had a more cowboy vibe
rawhide leather
and jeans
with your leather suspenders
and

your slightly out of focus
slightly morphing member

which now
i'm kinda picturing as a mildly pixelating block edit


so
some sexual thoughts
weird
but
present and accounted for

= )

this is stuff i would edit out, but maybe stuff you should know, so yucky outtakes

i slept super late
in fairness
i was up super late
after i fell asleep in the chair
i was up another few hours
off and on

the last few days
i've been hormonal
i started to say depressed
but
that doesn't cover it
it's been
hopelessness and anger
and wistfulness
some other less nameable states

there's been some mucus down there like there might be
something still going on
and that
gives me some emotion as well

i'm trying to get this hormone stuff down
pregnenolone and progesterone
and maybe i need estrogen
my body is demanding lots of soy milk
i actually feel better since i'm back on the soy
after the eggnog of xmas

i want to see you
but
full disclosure
i'm not sure when i'm gonna be able to do that
my finances are pretty bad right now

for the record

I like the suspenders

I wasn't trying to put you off em

they just startled me

but

now

I miss em

i fell asleep in the chair again

didn't get to hear you

hoped it would be archived

I hope you had fun sweetheart

I love you

very much

you're so adorable 

goodnight sweetheart

💋

💋

goodnight sweetheart 

I love you very much

I love you

I love you sweetheart

I don't know if you expected me to be there

but

I never said I could be there

so

I hope you're not mad at me for that

I gotta go to bed

I'm holding you in my dreams

i love you
i'm so sorry
*deep hug*

i'm doing a week of raw
to try to get myself back on track
i may do a week of raw a month
or
i may just try to replace
a lot of my regular food stuffs with raw versions
i may then do
like a week of bone broth
or vegan
or
some other stuff

i ordered some used cookbooks
i had this cookbook that's gotten lost somewhere over the years
daily specials from the moosewood restaurant
it's all soups and salads from their daily menus
moosewood is a vegetarian restaurant that's run by a collective
in Ithaca NY

so
i ordered that, hardback, an old library edition
the one i had was paperback
so this should last better
i also ordered
a low fat
and a cooking for health
cookbook
also used library editions
the first one should be here tomorrow
the other ones are coming book rate
so
sometime soon-ish
the health one
the lowfat one
the daily special one
i saw this one on an tv talk show with the author
when i was a kid
and
then when i was looking for a cookbook later i recalled it
but
there were other one
which looked more interesting
so
i've never bought the broccoli one
ok, maybe i wasn't a kid exactly
i was remembering more like 79 and it was 82

i love you sweetheart
meet me in dreamland

Cheesecake

Cherries

Modus Transportati

California Coastal Architecture

Do this don't do that, can you read the signs

I fell asleep

in the chair

in the midst of writing this

here's hoping

her rockin my dreams

PS

Tender

Tinder

Whaaaa?!

i love you sweetheart
i gotta go to bed
i was looking for stuff
but
it will have to wait
til tomorrow

*kiss*

yeah?!

the other day at work
my finger was feeling like i jammed it
i didn't have any recollection of jamming it
but that's how it felt, ya know
my pointer finger on my left hand
so i was holding it up
and kinda stretching and bending it
ya know, kinda puttin it through it's paces
wondering if i had arthritis
this guy comes up to me and asks me:
what'd you do to your finger?

so i tell him about it feeling jammed, but blah blah not probably
he says:
can i see it?
in what struck me at that moment as, well
let me just say
my brain seems to have added

i am a practitioner of traditional chinese medicine
(or chiropracti, anyway)

so i hand him my arm

he looks at it

and
he jams his right pointer finger into a point
just above my wrist
hard

and i'm thinking:
OUCH!
(but, ya know, it always hurts when you find the messed up spot)
and
(that could totally be a meridian)

but then
i'm thinking:
NO!  OUCH!
and i'm like:
that hurts!

and he presses in

and my brain is like ABORT!  ABORT!
and i am trying to pull my arm free from this man
who has suddenly become

inscrutable


and he looks at me:

i think there's something wrong with you

I really like the version of RS with all the wood block and interesting percussion

and minor key piano

was just listening

I fell asleep in the chair

and I woke up to a commercial for

Zoey's extraordinary playlist

which seemed to be like the whole thing streamed

there's this scene where everyone sings HELP!

I haven't heard that song for a long time

it really holds up

I'm not sure she's a good enough actress to pull off this show

she sounds sarcastic inappropriately

but she's cute

it reminds me of the buffy musical

but her mother is Mary Steenburgen

who is a truly wonderful actress

and their relationship

mother-daughter

makes me a little jealous

I love you very much sweetheart

I fell asleep in the chair again

I love you

Ok

so

I'm still super stressed

and I don't know what you want to know

I'm kinda ok with the barren crone role

I was ambivalent about kids until I met you

with the exception of a little bought of crazy at 27

I wanted to have kids with you

but

honestly

I'm not sure I could start with that now anyway

and

I mean, it might change

but

right now

if somebody said happy mother's day to me

I wouldn't even cry

but

I am a little worried about the

night sweats and hormonal issues generally

and I don't want you to lose interest in me

but

I have never said anything like holding you to account

and

I really hope you could tell from context

that I wasn't saying that

otherwise

I don't think anything I said was new

so I can't see you being upset

but

I'm extremely agitated that you are

so

Def a good day to see Mom

I love you sweetheart 💋

I'm getting stressed out again

I'm just trying to talk to you

now I'm worried

my having a headache is not code for something else

I was just telling you about my day

I love you

I am paranoid

just

know

I love you

I'm not trying to say anything inconsistent with that

I can't write now

gotta get ready for work

Into account

NOT HIM to account

my headache has never gone away

I did eat some cheesy scramble and some hash browns

I talked to my mom on the phone

we're going to dinner tomorrow

I hope you're doing ok

I used the umbrian clay mask

I like it

it's not too drying

and it's claims of energizing the skin

may be accurate

I took a very long shower

I could almost not stand to get out

anyway

I still have a headache

and I'm not really sure what else I did today

I fed the cat a bunch

he seemed agitated

and extra hungry

I can't explain why, I've no idea

but he was adamant

he's been trying to not hurt me

but today I really tried his patience

poor Kitty

It was great to have two days in a row off

usually that doesn't happen unless I'm on vacation

my whole working life

such a shame about the headache

anyway

no big deal

I wandered yesterday

I begged today [vegged- edit- damn auto correct]

tomorrow I have to see my mom

circle of life

or something

I love you sweetheart 

💋

I'm not going to brunch

I woke up with a very bad headache

and I'm not going to waste brunch money on a day where I can't enjoy it

I hope you're feeling good

no headache

do you get headaches?

I don't even know

good morning sweetheart

I love you

I went to the mall

Although truthfully I spent the majority of my time in Sephora

I think I tested every essence they have in the place

But what I bought was fresh umbrian clay soap bar

I had some of that years ago and I liked it but it's kind of messy but I thought I'd like to try it again

and then I didn't go to any of the new coffee shops I was going to go to or cafes or whatever because I stayed up late and then I slept late

So I decided to go to the coffee shop by Nordstrom in the galleria while I was in the galleria

And that was okay the coffee is pretty decent and I had a almond croissant that was really good actually I like almond croissants and I don't have them very often at all it's probably been I don't know several years since I had the last one

But you know I was thinking I really miss Caswell Massey

I don't know if you're familiar with them but they're America's original apothecary I mean like waybacks 1700s founded

They used to have this little like well I would call it a kiosk store but it was completely enclosed it wasn't like a cart or something and I used to go there every time I went to the galleria in like the 70s and early 80s but I feel confident it was gone by the 90s not sure exactly when it left

But I used to go there and they had all this amazing stuff and everything I bought from there was just amazing I had a cold cream I got one time that was cucumber and something elderflower maybe that was supposedly the same formula that Sarah Bernhardt tried when she was here and loved and had like cases of 2 England so she could use it all the time and I had some of that and I really liked it but I didn't really wear a lot of makeup at that point so you know it took me a while to go through it and then when I went to get more they had changed the formula and it was more like cold cream

I'm sorry that wasn't really clear it was cold cream to begin with but it was kind of an ointment-y texture originally then when I got it again it was more like ponds Cold cream which was not nearly as exciting

I like apothecaries

Who used to be one in Westbury square as well but it was I thinking independent one I got a perfume from there one time that was carnation and it was so good it was like spicy smelling and I couldn't ever remember a carnation I had smelled having really any smell at all but this was spicy in really nice

I went to Urban Outfitter and they have, I'm not kidding you, got pond's Cold cream and it's been I guess rebranded and now it's calling itself ponds balm cleanser or something which is really smart because it is essentially the same thing as a balm cleanser although it's not really a balm texture

I went in Aveda haven't been in Aveda for years but that you used to be a place I really liked

And they had a guy in there doing caricatures of people what is very strange I mean totally out of keeping with the whole vibe of the place which used to be almost like you'd walked into a meditation Temple and they had brewed up tea that they would give you and it was just a whole experience

I don't know I guess I was kind of wishing that I could do you know just for a day travel back in time and do some of that stuff that I used to do that just doesn't exist anymore not anything major or earth-shattering just like a little things

And I looked at the clothes in the windows and some of them I really liked although not necessarily for me and then some of them on like who would wear that so I don't know I feel kind of out of touch

I haven't been to the mall since whenever the last time I talked to you about going to the mall was so I don't know I know I went at least once last year but it is possible that I only did go once last year or twice I don't know but not very many times

And I was talking to I think it was Dennis about shopping and he doesn't buy hardly anything online apparently

But I do I mean I really do by almost everything online

But I think I may be going to look and see if there are any apothecaries left

Also when I was in Sephora I just kept looking around at eyeshadows too and oh my God there's so many really brightly colored eyeshadows so many and I mean I know that's been a trend for a while but I kind of thought it was over

maybe I just changed who I'm watching I don't know but I mean I thought we were in a kind of a no makeup makeup thing now put all the eyeshadow palettes are like bright bright bright bright ultra-bright

But I just kind of want one color that I can brush over my lid like I used to that would look pretty until I could use some of my many many eyeshadow brushes

I was trying to look in Nordstrom's as well it was a color I used to like I think it was Laura Mercier although they should have had that at 2 for also I think it was called like candied walnut or candied pecan or something like that but I didn't see it but of course people change their colors periodically and I would probably still rather have a more natural brand

So I don't know

I had a good time I guess

But more like a to be continued good time

Like it got me thinking about stuff more than just kind of what I was experiencing in the moment it was more of a history thing like that time machine action going on again

Which I guess is partially just to getting older thing but it wasn't like oh it's so sad this stuff isn't here anymore exactly

I mean it kind of was that

But there was another element to it I'm not sure exactly what that element is I don't know if it's that I'm wanting to write about it or if it's that I'm wanting to figure out some way to update that and if it's an updating that does that mean I want to open an apothecary or I just want to find one to shop at or what exactly

I don't know I don't know but the wheels are turning you know something's happening in there that's a precursor to something

I'm just not really letting myself know what it is I guess which I find kind of fascinating I'm looking forward to seeing where I go with that

Also like right now there was something else I was going to tell you about I switch paragraphs because I was going to tell you about this other thing but I completely can't remember what it was

now that's not that unusual for me I've been doing that my whole life because my brain just runs a little faster than...

But used to be once that stuff was gone I would you know I can walk around I could look at the things that I've been looking at when I thought of it and sometimes if I actually saw the thing I had been looking at it would pop it back into my head and I would remember it almost always it was just gone and maybe it would come back later and maybe it wouldn't

But lately I can just pull that stuff back up I just think and I kind of look through my head and I can find it not every single time but a lot of times and so that's making me wonder is my brain functioning better now

I don't think I'm taking anything that should make it work better I mean I'm taking some vitamins but this was happening I think prior to that

Like I remember one of the things I was going to tell youlike when I was a kid my feet were always going to sleep my leg would go to sleep I would be sitting in a chair I would be sitting on the toilet I would be sitting somewhere and my leg one or the other of them would go to sleep sometimes all the way up to my buttock

but I was thinking about the other day and I can't remember the last time my foot went to sleep or my leg went to sleep I need you just like never happens

And it cannot be that my circulation is better so I don't know what that means and I can't remember when it stopped happening so I don't know if it's like well when I developed a lot of muscle then suddenly it wasn't I don't know but is that weird

Something else

But I can't remember it right now

I love you

I may write some more before I go to bed especially if I remember whatever that other thing was but it's pretty late

And I'm going to brunch tomorrow I love brunch so I may not write anything else tonight but I want you to know

I get confused a lot

Because sometimes it's hard for me to know

What's important and what's pretend and you know it's hard to have a baseline sometimes

So I carry this like multi-level matrix in my head

And sometimes I don't know how deep to go how complex to interpret you know the signs and symbols of the universe you know what I mean

So I can tolerate pretty high threshold of uncertainty

And I don't know if that makes sense to you or just confuses you or what

But I can't really believe how deep it all goes and how inescapable

There's a very real way in which you are like a drug for me

And there's another very real way in which I really feel like we were together in a past life and I'm just trying to get us back there or back together

And there's another way in which I feel like I might really seriously be crazy

And I don't know whether any of that makes any sense weather it's good for me weather it's bad for me

I also have to take him to account

well I'm not going to enumerate all the things I need to take into account that's boring and ridiculous

There is an aspect that I wish I knew the answer to because it seems contradictory

But you know one way or another

To infinity and beyond

I stayed up late

I went down a rabbit hole looking for something

But it didn't find what I was looking for

It's my birthday

I'm old enough that I probably shouldn't be excited by that fact

But for some reason I have an unreasonable childish glee

And I tried to think of something brilliant to do tomorrow but I think I'm just going to kind of wander

There's a film I kind of want to see at the museum but I really don't want to go down there at night and there's not a lot of parking and then I'll be wandering around by myself in a really dark area I just don't want to do that

but I guess I could take a cab or take an Uber but I don't really want to do that either

and I'm pretty sure this film be released on video or something at some point so I can see it later pretty sure this is not my only opportunity to see it

it's supposed to be raining bad weather tomorrow so I may not end up going out at all but I can kind of want to do something just not a very structured something

So I think I may be going to go to the mall

Unless I can talk myself out of it

Also want to go to a cafe

But have not decided what Cafe

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much

💋

if you've been thinking

physical thoughts at me

I've been feeling them

and

I think it's helping

so

if you could keep doing that

I'd really appreciate it

I'm going to keep trying things

ya know

i fell asleep in the chair

i dreamed i was "in space"
which seemed to mean on a space station or something
this woman was coming up behind me
just as she was passing me
she seemed to make eye contact and begin to point out
every piece of skin care presented for sale on the promenade
she was going on and on
every detail
as far as ingredients, use, product development
it was awesome

several times i tried to interact with her
but she didn't seem to hear me

then
she kinda shifted in front of me
and carried on
like she was a docent or something

then
something
and i'm not sure what
brought it clearly into focus
she was an automaton
a commercial, essentially

i thought it was quite funny
and was telling you about it
when i was telling you about my day

then
i woke up
and i had fallen asleep watching YouTube
and i had been watching an auto play of alice in the rabbit hole

i love you sweetheart

I love you sweetheart

taking a break: don't know where this fits but inspired the title so

one thing about working with people who are substantially younger is that they tend to ask you questions that somehow end up feeling like history lessons.  i initially thought this was just me with my version of  [[back in my day...]]  but when i started to really pay attention that's not really how it goes down.  they know me.  i'm not like their parents.  but i have information that previously they could only really get from people like their parents.  so they kinda lead me in that direction and then i tend to run with it a little further than i should.  and, i don't know, maybe they're winding me up a little, but in a good spirited way.

amanda is always asking me about the 90s.  she's in her early 30s and the 90s are for her what the 70s are for me.  which is kinda funny because when i was in the 90s there were a lot of ways that i thought the 90s were trying to do the 70s--  at least stylistically--  which i don't see so much looking back.  at the time i was comparing it to the 80s.  i had trouble letting go of the 80s.

i was having just such a conversation with amanda last friday, and as i walked away i was dropped back into a conversation i had in the 90s--  i haven't thought about in years.

i was watching, i think it was, the big sleep, with a friend.  ya know, there are ways in which the world i grew up in is a lot closer to this one (pointing at the tv screen) than to the one we're living in now.

right.  because your family traveller around in a covered wagon and dinosaurs roamed the earth.

even then, i was hanging out with younger people telling em how old i was on the regular.  but i meant it and i stand by that statement.  and i realized--  that was before the world wide web (which, of course, no one calls it anymore).  

good morning

hopefully you're enjoying that so far

I feel like it incorporates several of the stylistic elements

that I have traditionally liked about my writing

and

I'm hoping to keep it going

I have to clean

things have gotten kinda bad over the holidays

I think I'll just add to that one

rather than doing multiple entries

but

I'll let you know when there's more

so you don't have to keep going back

of course

maybe now I've jinxed myself

hope you're having a good day

I love you sweets

ok, here's a start: SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE A HUMAN TIME MACHINE

the other day i dreamt that i was moving to a small town, and before i had even found a place to live or anything i bought a refrigerator and washing machine online from a local vintage shop.  they were pretty cool but i realized that it was an impulse purchase that was ill-advised.  i went to the store and asked about exchanging them.  the owner of the shop was great.  we hit it off right away.  she invited me to stay with her and her husband while i was in town and offered to help me find a place.

she was, in addition to being a shop owner, a quilter--  or a sewing artist, maybe.  the things she made weren't exactly quilts.  they were more like pictures you might hang on the wall, but sewed.  tapestry?

anyway, there was this one i was obsessed with. i was having lucid dreaming telling me i had to remember the details to tell you.  after i woke up though, they didn't seem interesting or important.  so i didn't tell you.  until now.

it was a good sized piece, maybe three by four, and it had a smiling, waving, cartoon fish.  i could not look away.  i was gonna buy this thing.  there was a dr. seuss one fish two fish red fish blue fish quality about it, but the smile was slightly demented.  it reminded me of bloo from foster's home for imaginary friends--  that's not right, it didn't remind me of it, i'm just now putting that together, hmmm.

ok, well.  and underneath, like a slogan, i really felt in the dream that this was a banner from some company function: do you need more friends.  and then vpr.  and i was so into figuring out what that stood for--  i asked her husband, he didn't know, but i was asking her as soon as she got back--  vice presidential retreat, maybe.

see, it doesn't make much sense.  and i thought it was so important that i've embedded it into my brain well enough to remember almost a week later.  also i can't usually read in dreams.  i mean i can see signs and know what they say, but actually reading is not a dream thing.  like i'm pretty sure nobody really can read in dreams, as a rule.  so the vpr is a sign that i'm supposed to notice--  like the yellow school.  and, in fairness, it might be vrp.  i transpose things quite readily.  my father was dyslexic and my brother was/is too, although he also says he's eidetic--  that combination doesn't seem right to me, but whatever.

i don't.  need more friends.  i don't really have friends.  i mean, maybe i do.  i don't really like to go places and do things with other people.  i told my tarot teacher years ago.  other people rarely contribute much to me.  and i've gotten worse.  when i have conversations with others, which i don't seem to be able to escape, i often feel like i don't want to be talking and they aren't really interested--  and why do i have to go through the motions of this.  i mean, there's bita.  i could happily talk to her for five hours.  but probably not very frequently.  but mostly, strong hermit vibes.

Hey

I feel a story or essay or something bubbling up

I'ma write you something soon

not like a coded something

just

something to read

it's been too long

but

I've been

not really doing so good

for a long time

I love you sweets

I love you

💋

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much