goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much
I know I didn't write today
but
I did think about it
tomorrow

something
😁

pluck

ok
i wanna tell you this
i feel like it's anti-sexy
so i probably shouldn't tell you
but
i don't seem to be able to stop myself

when i saw you last
i did not shave my legs
i have not shaved my legs for like
twenty years
and now
i have various leg "issues" which would make it
harder for me
besides
i wear bi-focals
and i can't really see

whatever
i didn't
however
i did shave my arm pits
and

i waxed my face

well
not really wax i think
that "nad's" stuff--  sticky vegetal gel
because
i looked at myself
and i said
this is not good enough
i'm not going to see him with all this facial hair

it worked really well
i was very happy with it
and it lasted a while too

however
it did not last forever
and
it now seems worse
and i've had really a lot of breakouts on my chin
and i pick at them
so
my skin has been actively sore
normally
i pluck facial hair almost constantly
but
the stuff that grows on my chin
isn't hair
it's whiskers
and
even under the best of circumstances
it hurts a lot to pluck it
but for the last almost month
i'm just like
no
i can't

and i won't shave
i just won't
it's too far
i'm not a man
i know women shave their faces
they even (some of them) talk about it
but i just can not bring myself to do it


so
for the last couple weeks
i've been going to work
really expecting someone to say something
bearded lady, much
even though
seriously
it's white or very pale blonde
it's only noticeable, really, if the light hits it just right
at which point
it looks
honestly
more like some alien thing than a beard

but
i cannot tell you how much i hate it
and
i'm just owning it
because
owwwww
ya know

and
nobody would say anything
and maybe they haven't noticed

and
i dropped my tweezers
that i keep always by my side
accidentally somewhere under my chair
and i didn't even crawl around on my belly like a reptile

i just
on the way home
stopped at cvs
and bought a new tweezer and a box of sally hansen cold wax strips
(they didn't have the nad's)
because i have been using a new thing
that has almost cleared up my face [zinc pca, i think]
and i'm going to remove hair

one day
and i may regret it when i do
i'm going to buy one of those facial planing tools
and just shave that way
the girl-y way
because
for some reason
that
is a place
i draw the line

Note from the Parking Lot

it just rained here
the air smells green
and rich
and earthy
it's like a gift
Earth smell
Sea smell
probably woods smell too
not sure
I feel better
human
it's literally like
I took a hand full of anti-depressants

I want to tell you how much I love you

how nothing matters
except that love
but
maybe that's hormones too
maybe the things that make me unhappy
will still make me unhappy
and still matter
just not as much
as when I'm super super depressed about it

I like these hormones
can I have these instead of the crappy ones
and the ones that grow whiskers
please
seriously, please

Ok
well
I found out
there will be blood
WTF
isn't this more or less two months in a row
FUCK@#${¶}¥€π~
I found how to get those keys

I don't want this now
but at least I was only emotionally incapacitated
no migraine
no dizziness
so

YAY!

I have no idea what is going on
I am stressed out about it

Also
I thought that was the way to go with 11:11
but now I don't
too joke-y, I guess
but I'm not sure where to go from there

So
something will be written today
but it may be stand-up about my job
rather than anything deep

I dreamed
I was working in a coffee shop
I begged to work on Saturday nights
because it was busy
then
I volunteered to clean the bathrooms
and ended up cleaning out a closet

Very Weird

I feel super crappy
cramping for no obvious reason
I'm seriously like an inch from a fuge state mentally

I love you
I can't handle anything
like not anything at all
just nothing
I'm having hormones I think
but
they don't know which way to go
I might so
I might punch somebody

Dude
It's a wide berth day
does that make sense

11:11 (a work in progress)

11:11

this is what I keep coming back to
so this is what I'm gonna write
I don't know that it's good

tomorrow

Love

I'm not right
hormonally
that's for certain sure
I can't stop crying

and I haven't heard the first hour yet
and I'm fucking up
our very good day

I might just be broken

I guess
when it came down to it
my fantasy wasn't really to write
my fantasy was romantic you & me stuff
and
I understand
maybe
that's not real
it's just this
and
I said I wanted to write
but maybe I didn't really want to
I wanted to mourn
you and me and the puppyfish in the house by the sea and all the stuff
I'm never gonna have
and pain pain pain

maybe
I just wanted to get you off my back
and
I seem to have grievances
and
I don't know what you really want from me
and
it all just spirals off
again and again

and
I really have to write something
but
I don't seem to want to write the trumplandia story

so
starting tomorrow
SOMETHING
but
I can't guarantee
sweetness

I can't get happy enough for sweetness

the only stuff that's anything
is kinda surreal
so maybe
maybe I am crazy, after all

I love you very much

goodnight

ok
I checked
my recorder is recording
I love you
hope everything is wonderful with you

just in case this interests you

cool stuff

small fude pen

large fude pen

slightly fude pen

not a fude pen, but modified

i ordered this one before i went on ebay

I talked to my taper
and he will record for me
I fell down a pen rabbit hole
and ended up ordering a cheap cool pen
which might come tomorrow
and
some weird refurbished fude pens
even cheaper off eBay

also
I was going to see van Gogh today
but I woke up with a bad headache

ended up taking a bath
and eating Mexican food

I've been depressed
I think
or
moody anyway

I'm trying to be in a storytelling mode
but
it just comes out
shit from my childhood
and
I don't think you wanna hear that crap

I love you
very much
sweetheart
but
I'm pretty sure I'm not giving you what you want right now
and
I'm sorry about that

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

fell asleep in chair
used different oils

gotta go to bed

I love you very much sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

my excessive night time skincare routine

i fell asleep in the chair again

i'm very excited about my skincare routine
which might not interest you
but
i have to tell you about it anyway

ok
i bought the dhc astaxanthin
at ulta
i found it on amazon like a year ago
but i didn't want to buy it without testing it first
i've been aware of dhc since the 90s but i've never tried any of their stuff
but i was looking for an astaxanthin product
i got an email or something letting me know that ulta was carrying dhc
and i went by the same day
and it was there
on the shelf
no tester
i asked the sales girl and she opened one

i really like it
and i got a sample of the dhc cleansing oil
[which you might not know, but it's iconic
one sells every like 17 seconds or something]
and
i've never really been a cleansing oil girl
i just don't ever like it
and i didn't expect to like this either
but i do
it's olive oil, but it's whisper light
and it has a mild rosemary scent
(from rosemary oil)
and i am a sucker for rosemary
i hate when stuff smells like roses or ylang ylang or whatever
but rosemary sends me to the moon
but
it's subtle
i didn't notice it consciously

then i use my egg white soap
leave it on for 5 minutes as a facial

then witch hazel
this stuff cleans off any soap residue and rebalances my skin
i love it
i love how it smells
cannot quit this stuff
did not take it on the road with me the last time
and didn't miss it
so, idk, but if it's handy i can't walk past it

then
i start the serious stuff
i have a mist i'm using so i can start damp
it's not my favorite but i got it half price
and it does contain kombucha
but also rose water, so mixed bag

then the ordinary marine hyaluronics
i would rather fight than switch on this product
i love love love it
i had been using the vichy89 serum and i wasn't lookin to change
but the ordinary sent me an email telling me it had won a buch of awards
and telling me i could buy up to three at half price
that was months ago
i never used the vichy again

then propolis serum
this is new but i think it is effective so we'll see

then mizon night repair
this is a little less "clean"
but i like mizon
i used the snail all-in-one quite a bit in the past
and i got it cheaply enough on sale
that i wanted to see if the natto would do anything exciting
i use galactomyces in the day
and i was gonna use bifida ferment lysate at night
but i thought, no, let's see what mizon thinks is a good night "seruming ampoule"
whatever that is
i miss it if i leave it out
and i like the feel of it with marine hyaluronics
(which i had been leaving off at night)
much better than without

then resiliency serum
which i got in a box
and even though i really hate the smell of carrot seed oil
i'm using because it seems like the most active thing in the routine
aloe and carrot seed oil basically
idk honestly tonight is the first night i'm adding it into night routine

then astaxanthin all-in-one
and then
i stop
i do dinner and whatnot
my skin feels pretty happy at that point

then later
when i'm done with all that
if i got stuff on my face
i use a cleansing cloth to clean up
and if i need to
maybe touch up as needed
before the next round

the spa cream
i had put it on a subscription on amazon
and it came yesterday
and i had to do a little dance around the room
i love it so much
i'm trying not to slather it on

then honua olena oil
this came in a box too
but
my god, it is love in a bottle
it's turmeric and noni infused into hawaiian oils
all traditional healer method
and i love the smell of the turmeric
and the infusion oils seem to feel different

ok
are you ready
sometimes this is the last step
yasuni balm
this was in a box
and i love this
it makes me feel loved
and
i think it is doing really good things for my face
but
i don't know how i am going to afford to buy it
or live without it
i feel very intensely about it

now
sometimes this isn't the last step
sometimes i sit around
or fall asleep in the chair
and it all more or less sinks in
and i want another layer to sink in overnight
and that is this acai fig marula oil
i got this in a box too
i have literally spent days off just applying this oil every few hours all day long
i love it too

that's a lot of steps

and
the thing is
i wouldn't even say my skin is dry

although
who can say
i'm not normally leaving it bare
but it never feels tight
but
i think i've always tended toward dehydration
and the addition of hydrators
instead of just moisturizers
has made a big difference

i'm probably going to need to stop the boxes
i mean
i do about half the time with pearlesque
and maybe a third of the time with love goodly
but you can't skip on boxwalla
but there are only six a year
and they are mostly wonderful
but
if i get a routine that i want to stick with
i'll need to stop the boxes
and try to buy the stuff with that money


but
this is a big chunk of what i'm focusing on now


goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

I love you sweetheart

ok
wow
it's really late

i love you very much sweetheart
goodnight

i fell asleep in the chair again

so
the first dream last night was
i was talking with you
in this amazing room
i'm not sure if it was a lounge of some sort or a hotel room
or what exactly
it seemed too open to be a hotel room
but
it seemed too private to be like the hotel bar
there were these banquettes
and windows everywhere
way up
high rise
cityscape--  but which city, not sure
and
it was bright and beautiful outside
but somehow not harsh
soft light
inside
very plush
but minimal and clean
white
soft matte leather
just like the most beautiful place

and
i was like interviewing you
or something

and
i hadn't arranged properly
for some sort of three day
permit
or paperwork of some kind
so you couldn't stay with me

I dreamed
you kissed me
it was a very light kiss
very briefly in a hotel hallway
and
that was after a much longer dream
I'll try to tell you about later
but
I snoozed too many times
and I can't right now

And
still
not asleep

But
I'm about to try now
gonna be tired tomorrow

I love you sweetheart

so last night I went to bed early
because I had to write a thing for work
and
tonight
I was gonna go to bed early too
except I didn't

I love you very much sweetheart
goodnight

I'm on edge today

hope your day is better

I love you sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

the green tea water bomb is good
the propolis serum
also good
last night
I tested them without
most of the other layers
just mist underneath
and yasuni balm on top
and
it wasn't really enough
but
today
I have snail bee skin
and Marine hyaluronics
and mizon night repair seruming ampoule
and propolis serum
and water balm
and face oil
and yasuni balm
and
now I feel the age coming right off me

But
It's too many layers
I got to rein it in

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I hope you had a beautiful day
I love you very much

16

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much
I stayed up way too late
but
I found a peptide cream
I have used
already
the entire jar of that manyo spa cream
now don't get me wrong
I love it
but
I'mma try this other one
green tea water bomb
chock full of peptides
by a company called bonajour
with which I'm unfamiliar
but their product ingredients seem clean
and I saw their website and Instagram
and a couple YouTube reviews
so
I think they're legit
It's a bigger tube and cheaper
I was thinking I could alternate
but
I'm not ruling out going with this one if it's good

I love you

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much
♥️

goodnight sweetheart
I love you

I stayed up late
my head hurts
I should probably have gone to bed
but
I couldn't quite make me

you sound good
and i knew it was a year
but
i wasn't putting together
that it was a year today
i love you sweetheart

i had
to be honest
not like an interesting day
but
the store decided to celebrate international women's day
which i always think is march 9th
idk why
so all the guys are like
happy holidays to me
which was just weird
they all think it's a newly declared holiday
and
it's not a fucking holiday
and it's not new

but we got these pins
they got a coupon to get a free one
they're $7.99
and i couldn't get a free one
but i was thinking of buying one
it's pink boxing gloves
and it says
fight like a girl
so
when we started getting low
i put one in my pocket
but
then
this girl (30, i know cause she bought wine)
she says
i'm the one who called earlier and asked if you still had pins

and
there weren't any more pins
and i said
i don't think there are any more
and she looked like she might cry
so i'm like
look, one more pin
and she beamed at me

i already bought the lemon with the cute banner
like a miss america sash
it says:  bitter
i love love it
and the one that says  but first, coffee

hopefully
we get more in
people kept thinking they could get unlimited numbers of free pins

no
one free one
with the coupon
all others after one you have to buy--  $7.99
one woman bought ten


it's extremely muggy here today
it's been doing the 70-30-70-30 thing again
but today 80 and muggy
doesn't matter
summer's next week-ish
until end october
but we have had some pretty continually intermittent rain

i love rain
as long as it's not flooding rain
that you can keep
we're all still a little ptsd about that


i love you very much sweetheart

some sort of recording happened

ok
there has been an agreement to tape
we'll see what actually happens

I love you sweetheart
have a good day

possibly i can convince my taper to help me out
i'm dubious though
he has seemed pretty unwilling the last few times
possibly i can hear as much as ten minutes at work
if the stars allign just right

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you

i found out some stuff
turns out i wanted to know
he got dementia at the end
he set fire to jason's apartment
his last words were:  don mclean
because jason had asked him what music he wanted to listen to
and
his brain forgot how to breathe
that's what he died from

jason says he's happier as a ghost painting

i remember listening to don mclean with him

well
we've been carrying on a dialog
on facebook private message
and
he sent me a video of the kid waving
hi aunt biff buff
which is what jason called me when he was little
and so has subsequently called me forever
so
i guess there's no hope for it
he says the kid is just like dad
i'm a little frightened



i know what you're thinking
i said that at one point he was the only one that understood me
and
he took all those courses and
there are all those similarities
how can we have not been keeping in touch
well
when you are raised by a crazy person
and you have a skewed frame of reference for reality
the other person who shares that frame of reference
understands you the best
and
apparently
growing up with dad
also
makes you like new german cinema
who knew
i didn't lead the way
more parallel lives


so
do you think less of me?

I think
generally
I have problems connecting with people
in a permanent like meaningful way

I don't really remember my mother
from when I was little

and then there was that thing where my father
kidnapped me
wouldn't let anybody see me
because I had to get used to Deborah

I did kindergarten
and then two different first grades
I think
I just decided
internally
that people weren't meant to be permanent

now
I mean my father was
but
I can't really go (right now) back into
the whole struggle with Deborah
and
when I went to live with my mom
they got rid of my stuff
and my room (it became a junk room)
and I had to sleep on the couch
on which Jason regularly peed
without even sheets or anything
ya know
because they didn't want me to come visit
I was 10
Jason was 5
so, I mean, it wasn't his fault
but
I don't remember those days fondly

and
I didn't have much of a relationship with Jason
subsequently
I saw him some
but not much
not regular

when I got into college
I tried to do more stuff with him
but
I had a finite amount of money
so I was usually using coupons
which he hated
and made me feel bad about
and then
I was never cool enough
or whatever

When he was in college
I was working and going to college
and then just working a lot
and
I saw him almost never
and it was never like
hey, I'm gonna be in town let's make plans
it was like hey
NOW I can see you, drop everything
which is what dad always did to me
and his girlfriend would look at me disapprovingly
like who the fuck even are you

and then I started working like 70hrs a week
and I couldn't make it a few times
and he stopped calling

and then he sent me a letter
check the box
I'm alive
I'm dead
or something smartass
and
I never sent it back

then
I'm not sure
until 2007/2008 Xmas season
I went there
and
it was unpleasant and awkward
and
I felt very judged
and
emotionally unsafe
and
I communicated a few times
but
we didn't seem to have much to talk about
and eventually I just didn't anymore

then
there was the whole Myspace wedding invitation
and
learning about dad
and not being able to deal with that
and you and your thing
and I just shut down
and I never tried again

I would run away from my mother too
if I could
it's like I can't be me
in proximity to people
who remind me
of the
poor white trash little
red headed step child

does that make any sense?

I'm triggered

so I'm bad
I'm evil
whatever

so
he left me a message this morning
and I left him one back
but
I mean
not really an adequate one

maybe
maybe I can explain my life to you
but
probably not in a way you'd get

clearly I'm a bad sister
I just am
but
it's not out of a malicious nature

and
I don't know what to say to him
he says "probably at some point you should meet your nephew"
and my immediate response
that wells from my heart
don't you think that's a little unfair to him

I gotta go back to work

more of my badness later

well
my brother found me again on social media
and
I mean
I can't see refusing his friend request
but
I'm not sure I'm ready to accept it either
I'm kind of a hermit
I'm not really ready to
like
be sociable
and
he might be mad at me
he might want to talk about dad
I'm freaking out a little

I don't think he sent me any message
just a friend request
and
I didn't send him a message
I just accepted the friend request

I haven't talked to him in like 10 years

You can't really fathom that, can you
You are very close with your family
You probably think I've been in touch
but just didn't mention it

it is really just you
that I seem to not let go of
and I'm not sure
what that means
anyway
feel free to think badly of me
maybe that's what's warranted
but
I feel like 🏃 running

I love you very much sweetheart
goodnight

goodnight sweetheart
I love you

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

I found panties, maybe it's gonna be a good day

ok
I just have to say
if you are trying to get a message
out of anything I'm posting
I don't think there is one
I'm not generally doing that good
yesterday Karl kept asking me if I was ok
because I looked so down
and
just now
the cat kinda visciously slashed me
which he hasn't been doing lately
and
I just stood there and sobbed
as the blood ran down my leg
that's not normal for me
I'd usually yell at him
or give him a lecture
or
say fucking cat
and go get some coffee

so
probably depressed
definitely hormonal again

so
if you think I'm saying anything bad
I would not give that much credence
but
if you think I'm saying something good
maybe not that either

I'm mostly on a
like
don't like
level
right now

and
I think it's the thing again today

I love you sweetheart