i love you

that thing i didn't post

I was trying to tell you something about me
through relationships I had a work
but
I had smoked a little
and used too much poetic license
it was too much
it made me sound vaguely like
there might have been something going on
with me and a 24 year old guy
which emphatically there is not
and
in talking about a girl I have an adversarial relationship to
I come off bad
and I didn't want to sound like a bitch
especially since
I don't think I am one

I'm not sure
that I can tell you
my little nuances of personality
I think
I really want to listen to you
tell me about you
and
I'm kinda over talking about myself

but since that's what I think you want
I'm not coming up with other topics

and
I'm probably not very inspired, generally

i spent several hours writing you something last night

but
I wasn't sure about it after I finished
and the tarot said I should not post it
then I fell asleep on the sofa for like
three or four hours
and ended up staggering off to bed
without even saying anything
sorry about that
I love you very much

i can't remember what i dreamed last night

i know
when i woke up to pee
i thought
i really need to remember that
but i don't really wake up when i wake up to pee
and
i forgot

i've had a headache today
i feel, generally, bleh

i don't know what to say to you lately

i should be writing you something
but
i don't know

i keep wondering things
some are about you, your motivations, your beliefs
some are about me

i'm restless, i guess
and
my friend i got weed from moved away
and
i got her guy's number
but
whatever
i haven't done that yet
so
maybe i'm more sober than normal
and
it's a drag

i feel like i'm meant to continue telling you things about me that you don't know
and
i'm resisting


ok
here's something

i hate to be called lady
and most especially in the configuration ladies
i mean, if you're play acting lady blah blah or milady  is awesome
any use that references courtly love would be alright
but
any sort of 20th century chivalry is suspect
you can hold the door for me
if and only if
i can hold the door for you
and lady holds a whole social contextual can of worms
which i find distasteful if not vaguely offensive
and don't call me ma'am either
no sir


of course
if it's used quasi ironically
it often becomes okay again

hey ladies

parking space, peeing in a barrel, and branding with a star

i was parking
going home late at night
and a guy was fighting me for the parking space
somehow, if he didn't get this space, then he didn't have a place to stay for the night

i didn't give him my parking spot
but
i did let him stay at my place for the night

i don't know where he actually slept
because there was barely room for furniture besides the bed
and i had a man already there

i don't know
if you were either of the guys
maybe you were both
or
maybe all the characters in ones dream
are facets of oneself
who can say

i would like the man in my bed in my dream to be you, generally speaking
but i am less comfortable with that
due to later developments

anyway
we ate chili dogs
we mixed up peach soda in a long trough sink
there was a festive
but somewhat kinky atmosphere
because the guy was there
it was weird

i was sitting on a barrel
it was filled with soda, or beer, or something
something effervescent, maybe
i think it was tickling me a little
and i just released
which meant, i guess
that i had peed in the barrel
oh well
guess we won't be drinking that

then i got into bed
with my man
not the parker
started stretching and rolling around and stuff

i want you to brand me, baby
he says

yes, well
too bad we don't have any of that sort of thing

no, we do
he says
it's over on the sink, it all heated and everything

i go get it
it's a star
like a five pointed star
lone star

i don't want to do it
burn his flesh
but it seems so important to him
i press it to his left ass cheek
it sizzles a little
i feel a little queasy
it turns black, instead the red i expected

ice
let me put ice on it, i say

something about boats and fog

quick notes

giant map canvas
re arranging object d to fit
I'm already forgetting

I had tattoos
one was an American flag
I can't remember the other
but they were really faded

I really want a tattoo

that attraction thing

so
awhile back i was gonna write something about this

i was working on a wednesday, which i don't usually do
wednesday is when the beer comes in, mostly

a friend of mine at work
she thinks one of the delivery guys is hot
apparently that's the consensus

she's all telling me to ask him this or that
and he will lean over me to look at the manifest

no thanks
i'm really not interested, i say
he might be good looking
i don't know

karl was saying something the other day about people that
when you look at them they make you quiver

i can't remember the last time anyone had that effect on me, i say

really, he answers, incredulously

i was recently attracted to someone, i say
let me describe that situation for you


we got our first delivery from a new beer company
the delivery guy came in to tell me he was there
and we walked to the hallway where i take deliveries, together
what i immediately noticed
was he kinda stunk
but it was hot out, and whatever

we get to the hallway
and he introduces himself, properly
he is the founder and ceo of the company

and they've got you out making deliveries, i ask

i like to meet with the new accounts, he says
i like to make sure we have the proper procedures
and i like to meet the people

ok
i am attracted to this guy


so you're attracted to power?  karl asks

no, i say
it didn't have anything to do with power
it had to do with a shared value
work ethic or responsibility
whatever
that going out yourself to make deliveries, who does that

i talked to him about beer
and that was really nice, too
and he shook my hand like four times
and i'm a sucker for a good handshake

i went home and googled him
he went to rice
he has an mba from harvard

he's not real tall
and he has a beard, which wouldn't be my preference
but he seems very real, ya know

he is the first person, in recent memory
that i actually thought:
i would like to know him better

but
even if i wasn't already all tied up in you
i would not be getting involved with him

i'm at least ten years older than him

and
there's a big difference
between how i was attracted to him vs. how i was attracted to you

with him
i would be interested in dating him

with you
i felt like i already knew you
that you were my destiny, somehow

so
when i was a twelve year old girl reading romances
i would have been screaming at the heroine
to go for the practical stable one
and
i'm afraid
railing against
you

because i didn't understand romance at all, then

 

ramblings, because i really don't know what you want to hear

i have a pretty low tolerance for femininity
i'm not sure i can explain exactly what i mean by that
but
maybe this is an example
or
maybe it isn't
maybe it's something else

there's this guy who works with me
i don't know him well
and
even though he seems to be nice
i don't really want to know him any better

we were on break together a couple weeks ago
which i don't think has ever happened before
so he was chatting with me

he was basically, i think, trying to find out why
i didn't do more to pretty myself up

he's held back i guess by being male
he wants to wear heels and arch his eyebrows and whatever
and
all power to him ya know
but
i was trying to explain to him that i don't do anything to make myself pretty

i'm not trying to be pretty

i don't think he was capable of understanding me

i think he decided that i'm a fat girl with low self esteem

so
he has told me
on several occasions how i'm losing weight

now
with my current regime
it is pretty much impossible that i'm losing weight
if i am
then i need to be worried that i'm going diabetic or something
i find it irritating and somewhat disingenuous
but i think he means well, so i'm trying to ignore it

but yesterday
yesterday he made me mad

now
normally
i wear clothing that is drapey
nothing really clings
and you don't see my form much

but i got these new pants
they are on the more form fitting end of the spectrum
and you can see my ass
and the muscles in the backs of my legs
which i was vaguely aware of
but they were good pants
and like twenty bucks
and whatever

he's all like:
i don't want to embarrass you or anything
but that weight is just dropping off of you
you were walking by
and i was like
ooooo girl
you're starting to get a little shape on you

now
first
i don't care if he's gay
he needs to stop looking at my ass
i am doing nothing to encourage that

second
the fact that i did not conceal my shape as well today
does not mean i lost weight
or that i was the fucking grimace before

i want to be treated like a human



i am never gonna ask you if these pants make my ass look big

i might ask you if i look ok
by which i mean
something along the lines of:

is there anything wrong with this outfit that i might not have noticed
or
is this appropriate for where we're going

and i might not ask that
because i dress for me
if i am comfortable
and happy
in what i'm wearing
and i feel it suits the occasion
then i figure i project that

and that is really what it's all about--  to my mind

this is really random

I've been thinking
that you were born in a particular year
but
I've always kind of secretly wanted
to pair up with someone
who is either a tiger or a dog
in Chinese horoscope
and
if you are one year older than I think you are
you would be a dog
I don't think there's any way that you could be a tiger
supposedly those are the only two signs
I am compatible with
and I don't know how accurate that is
it's not like super important
or a deal breaker
or anything
but
my grandmother was a tiger
but
I seem to be destined to be surrounded
with oxen and rats

I told you it was random

i was digging through a wardrobe full of clothes looking for a skirt

or, maybe
I was looking for a complete outfit
not sure
I have these stress dreams now
about not being in dress code
and they aren't generated by my life environment
so
that means something
but I'm not sure what
but, anyway
I found a skirt

I have these two reversible skirts
I've had them for like, idk, ten to fifteen years
and I don't think I've ever worn the reverse
one side is black
the other side is a chiffon-y tie dyed prettiness
in either brown or purple
I can't do it
as a black skirt
a tiny ruffle of the chiffon shows
that's as much as I can do
and I really like that little bit

but
the other day
I became aware
the consensus at work
among my friends at least
is that I'm a hippie
and
I have to admit
my first reaction was to be offended

I interpreted that to mean
I smell
have extremely sub par grooming habits
lazy had to figure in there somewhere
and
big pot head

so
it bothered me a little
so
I asked owen
he's the one who actually said something
he's like twenty five
I didn't go into what I thought he meant
except
the stinking part

no
apparently not eating meat gets you
most of the way to hippie
and
he said something else
which I found relieved me quite a bit
he said:

no no, and you don't even smoke pot

so I guess I don't seem like a pothead
which is good
apparently

so that may be why the reversible skirts
were forefront in my mind
and that was what I found
a reversible skirt
black on one side
bright neon pattern
something from the eighties, maybe
I did have a phase
where I bought trendy clothes
it was like one year
between high school and college
but
then I realized
I couldn't really wear them any more
and
I went running back to black
but
even that year
my favorite dress
was a khaki shirt waist dress
slightly crossed over blouse
with big side pockets
I called it my out of Africa dress
I don't think I ever saw the movie, though
I wore it with these great shoes
the shoes made the outfit really
there
something else you didn't know

i'm going to bed now

I want you

i felt something amazing a little while ago

it was like
I could feel you wake up
and stretch
like
you stretched me, somehow
and there was this whole
happy to be alive thing
it just
felt good

I love you
happy

i love you

I hope you're happy and healthy
I've been feeling you off and on
for the last few days
but
I can't tell
what you're emotions are
not exactly

it's kinda like
you're going about your day
and all of a sudden
you have an intense moment
like you think of me
and it is an intense thing
but
just for a moment
and then you're back

not like normal
so
I don't know

I'm gonna try
to dream about you

i got something rattling around

new character
maybe a story
although, lately, they never resolve into stories
but
the name's marla
don't know where that comes from

i don't know if you're mad at me, or if i've made trouble for you

but
whatever

it's weird, but i miss you a little, debbie heather

let's see
it's been about a week
there are parts of the fantasy
well, having a nemesis makes it more exciting, i guess

you're so rude
taking something away from you always felt like
the right thing to do
an epic battle
an end in itself, almost
if i let myself get carried away

i have to say thank you, as well
because
there were points
at the start
where i didn't think anything was happening
thought i was just totally crazy

and it was you that gave me hope

how would you even know
who i was to be looking at my page, or whatever
you had to be following his undeleted search list
and
the more nasty you got
the more threatened you must be getting
because, come on, let's face it, i'm a voice in the ether
you never mock the other stalkers, now do ya

so, thanks

you have been an integral part of the experience
mostly
you aren't very creative or inspiring in your nastiness
you lower his stock a little, to be honest
but you have had a few legitimately good ones
charlie
and regina spektor
and, of course, i already thanked you for the advise about my bags

i think that's about it for the high points
all i can remember right now, anyway

and
in the spirit of full disclosure
[in case he's reading it]
i totally pulled a brer rabbit on the how will you ever
i was hoping to inspire a little creativity to your videos
but
i'm not gonna slog through the b reels
sorry

i felt a little bad at how easy that was, though

no
i think
i'm going to have to fantasize
without the debbie figure
and maybe that means i've worked through it
all that baggage slogged through
ready to move on to the next issue

thank you for being a part of my life
but

i don't think i need you anymore

i slept almost twelve hours

and
I feel a lot better
don't remember my dreams though
looked up m on facebook
she doesn't look dangerous or edgy anymore
but
she looks really happy
and I think she has a new baby
and the guy is white
which super surprises me
but
that guarantees it wasn't an arranged marriage
and
the other one's fiance is really pretty
I didn't meet her or anything
I just looked at the facebook
but
she exudes this warmth
even in pictures
she looks earthy sweet
so
all's well that ends well

and
whatever

they say you see things when you're supposed to, but i don't know

i read a message yesterday
before i went to bed
it was sent to me in october of 2012
but i don't remember ever seeing it

could i have forgotten it

the girl i had the affair with
the year before i met you

she was saying:
i saw your mom, it was like fate
i still think about you

me and m we broke up
she's
 married now
to a man
k is fifteen

and her email
it's the nickname i gave her
that she initially
she didn't like at all
until i told her what it meant to me

she's still holding on to it

now
don't get me wrong
i don't want to hook back up with her

and she got engaged two months later
so
i'm not sure how to interpret that
but
i feel like
something
i should have responded, somehow


she didn't want me then, though
she is the one i always think of
when i think
about you
and her


so
i don't know what that means
but it made me
sad

just got up, going in earlier

it's going ok
it's taking forever
I'm not enjoying it

plus
I'm depressed, I think

I had bad dreams
the last one
work moved from 2 miles away to like 17
and it was full service dining
I've never waitressed
I couldn't seem to get into my locker
but
I could get into every other locker
accidentally
there was more
it was all bad

I'm pretty sure I'm premenstrual
and
censored seems to have set the tone
so
I'm just angry all the time
I hate it

I think my foot pain is arthritis
deep heat rub is helping
good times