i love you

and i hope
that you are liking the sketches
and not just thinking
that i'm lame for not just writing
a super good story
there will be more sketches
and
maybe
it's fun to see the process
i don't know
it's kind of like in real time, ya know

anyway
that's how it's coming out naturally
so that's how i'm sharing it

sometimes i think i've gotten a lot better
and
sometimes i think i've just gotten less focused


take good care of yourself
i love you you know

sketches for a story

when you live at the beach
you can't just carry on business as usual
at least that's what i think
and for me business as usual would include
a giant bubble of privacy
friends
even if they're friends
aren't supposed to just drop by
hell
business as usual doesn't even include
having people over
we go somewhere, else

now maybe this is just a habit
the going somewhere else
but
it's better exit strategy
and whatever

but
at the beach
part of what's nice about it
is you can sort of live outside
and i start to have more regular patterns
what with the sunrise and the sunset and the watching the surfers and the volleyball
and besides i gotta get to know these people well enough to trust them to teach the puppyfish to surf and whatnot
so i am having to develop strategies
i mean surfer dave can not just drop by anytime to say mahalo
there's writing time
and other time too
that needs sacred-ing

so i'm working out some sort of signs for the door
not like welcome and go away
although, that would be nicely direct
but i'm thinking something that wouldn't be obvious
to the casual observer
something that just looks like the kind of crap
anyone might hang up for decoration at a beach house

like maybe:
a big set of jaws
or a puffer fish
for stay away

but i'm less sure

what says:
i'm busy
but i can talk
and i might have finished that new batch of salmon pemmican
so pop in but maybe don't stay a long time

maybe some cool light up beer sign
for stop in for a beer
but would i ever light that sign
i'd have to if i had it
just how sociable am i willing to be
i don't know
i just know that things are much more casual at the beach
and sooner or later i'll have to have people over

sketches for a story

the baby kicks
i wake up
your hand wrapped protectively around my belly
he is a morning person already
and is ready already for the morning beach walk
and if you live by the beach
you really ought to do sunrise and sunset whenever you can

i do not disapprove
i just think it's funny
my mother always said:
you'll grow up and have one just like you
and i counted on it, ya know
but she was wrong about that too
the little alien spawn is already a morning person

i try to slide out of bed without waking you
but it only kind of half works
so i kiss you and tell you to go back to sleep:
we'll do sunset if you can


ok kiddo it's just you and me
what's on your mind
swish
no way
that water is cold
later when the sun is up i'll brave it for you
what else ya got
images of warm sea water experiences rise up to greet me
different ocean though puppy
this is the left coast in the northern hemisphere
those are always cold
and even if we were at the same place
i wouldn't take you in now
it's too polluted now

you're already swimming
just feel the ocean

can you smell the salt
that salt air is one of my most favorite things on earth
i used to work close to the coast
and i would take out the trash every chance i got
just to take the long walk around the building and smell the sea

kick

the sky is rosy glowing
the water is lapping along the sand
and i've got a puppy fish skipping along with me

hey puppy fish
it'll be a while before you can do this yourself
i'm doing my best for ya here
arms akimbo head thrown back
i look at the sunrise
i look at the sea
imprinting each with as much clarity as i can
i dig my feet into the half dry sand
then i walk into the surf line
i stand
i let my feet sink into the sand
wiggle them
feel the quick-sand-y-ness

when i was eight, puppy fish
i went to a beach where the artists lived
down where the water is warm, as you noted
and when the water splashed up on the shore
when it rolled back
you could see air bubbles coming to the surface
a lot like when you cook pancakes
we'll have to side-bar pancakes for right now
and when i dug down
there were little quahogs
i woulda called em clams
quahogs i think of as the things you buy on the ferry in new england like you'd buy hotdogs
these were so tiny though and black or blue beautiful
when i dug em up and set em on the sand
they seemed to dig their way back in before my eyes
i'm not sure how now but that's the truth of it

i pull my feet from the unstable swallowing mass
and dance into the surf
we're near the pier now and the surf is louder
as it smashes against the pilings

let's go up to the plaza, puppyfish
there's mica in the plaza and it sparkles
the first time i saw it it reminded me of somewhere
somewhere i saw when i was a kid and i thought it must be diamonds
lets look at it sparkle in the morning sun and do you think we should get your daddy a fancy coffee before we head back, hmmmm, whatdaya think
and maybe i'm biasing you unfairly towards daddy
maybe papa would be better, huh, like hemingway
i was just thinking i'd like to call him daddy-o
but i got a thing for the beats
wait...wait....look isn't it beautiful puppyfish

now let's get papa his fancy coffee, um, yeah well
let's see if they have cubanos
probably not but we'll see
and then we gotta get back
or else maybe he'll think you swam away

updates

i'm very insecure
about what i've got so far for the story
it seems kinda sappy
so
i don't know
we'll see

the detox
is maybe going well
but i am eating salads
and i don't feel like i've got dosage right
for anything

my weight had inched up a little
but i didn't realize
because my thighs seem smaller
in clothes in mean
and i can feel bones and stuff better
but maybe all that is just lack of inflammation or whatever
anyway
it wasn't much weight
and it might be pre-menstrual water weight

i just hope the toxins are being processed
and then the extra fat that the body uses to store
the dangerous stuff it can't deal with
that fat won't be necessary

more later


i love you a bunch

i asked for help with my story in my dreams, i don't think i got it, but i got this weirdness

you and i were together
not exactly together together
more like having a vacation together
but it wasn't really a vacation because
you had some really big and exciting work
some project you were working on
there were flip-charts at strategic locations
around the room
or maybe suite is a better way to put it
but it is entirely possible
that it was on a boat

and
i wondered about that
because i have always been sorry
that i couldn't meet you on that cruise
around the statue of liberty
but i couldn't get away

also
i think it unlikely that you actually
use a lot of flip charts in your work
unless maybe you are giving a presentation
i mean, do you do your idea work on flip charts
but this was a really strange and different kind of project
so maybe it was necessary to keep
the different sections separate
and yet
still
instantly visible
for cross reference

the bed
was out on a deck
it didn't seem to be visible to anyone else
but it was definitely out in the air
and the stars would be visible at night

sadly
in the dream i never got to actually
sleep with you
i guess that wasn't information my subconscious mind thought i needed help with
but i did have some closer contact
and this is maybe one of my new favorite things
it was like hugging
but with kind of a torquing action
so it became

ok
i could say intimate
that that's kind of obvious and doesn't covey anything
and i could say sexual but that isn't quite right either
it was less about sex and more about comfort
it was about physical need
and emotional need
and being physically together, finally
but in the [god forgive me i'm gonna say head space]
where we were not making love
we were doing things together
getting things accomplished
and not being distracted from that
not wanted to be distracted from that at that moment
but still wanting some form of intense closeness
does that make any sense

also
and this is maybe the weirdest part
the part i'm not sure how to interpret
[actually there are a couple of add on sections to the dream that are really weirder but i haven't decided at this point if i'm even mentioning them]

you had a daughter who was a tween
and she was with us, visiting

and i started off with the kind of thing
that anyone who comes from a fucked up broken home
slash blended family whatever would know
was the right foot to start out on:

i know you might have reasons not to like me
to resent me and my presence here
of course i want you to like me
and i want to like you
but i'm not gonna be so insensitive to your situation
to expect you to give me the benefit of the doubt
just feel how you feel
and we'll see where it goes

she had this bottle
it looked like a small coke bottle
smaller than the smallest actual coke
like maybe three or four inches high
it had liquid in it
but it wasn't coke
so it just had a light green kind of luminous quality
with these lightning-like shapes coming down from the top
it was a fascinating little bottle
and i'd be all tempted to interpret it as a symbol
except that she could zap herself into it
like
i don't know, a genie or something
and she had her own satellite radio inside
it was like having a room that no one could walk in on you
only, apparently, you didn't know about it

so at first you thought that i
had somehow magic-ed her into a bottle
or taught her how to do it
or encouraged her in some way
and i'm all like:
no it freaked me out just as much as it did you
i have no magic shutting-people-up-in-bottles skills

and i'm not sure if she could get out on her own
or if you had to call her out or what
maybe it was a test for you
anyway
i wasn't sure if it was good or bad
but i didn't think she was in danger either way

i just kinda kept looking longingly at the bed


ok
since i mentioned them
i'll try to describe the other sections

in one
i was staying in a different part of the hotel
or whatever
i was trying to get work with this woman
because i needed something to do while you were working
and i'm not sure what it was i was going to be doing
but i had a room i was going to be working in
and i was concerned about her getting a key
i went into the bathroom
because i really really had to pee
probably because i really did have to pee
but when i went into the bathroom
the toilet and the tub were both filled
with large river rocks

in another one
i was working with someone
i'm not sure exactly
some sort of event planning maybe
and someone walked up wanting to buy flowers
and we didn't sell flowers
but we were working with a big bunch of flowers
because we were making arrangements for something
and i made some comment about the person asking for flowers
being all confused about us having a whole lot of flowers
and yet not having any for sale
and my friend told me
that i was something
i just can't remember the word she used
and i said:
when i think of that i think of spoiled little rich girls
and i've definitely not been a spoiled little rich girl
and she said:
really
i don't think of spoiled little rich girls at all
but it had not been a good thing she had called me
i feel confident
and i don't know if my subconscious mind
is trying to say i'm bad in some way or what
maybe i'm saying i'm selfish or something
what would spoiled little rich girls be
unaware of the importance of anyone else
disdainful
snobbish
i've got my disdainful and snobbish moments
you've seen them i'm sure
but i don't think they are overwhelming personality traits
so i only see one place i could be going with that


the third
i know i said it was a couple
but i thought of some more i had forgotten
i was at the hospital
i think my father was there but i'm not sure
and i went to the bathroom
and it was just this one big room
no stalls
and the way it worked was
you couldn't sit anywhere
you just had to hover
of this trough-like thing
and i am not very good at hovering
i know there are some girls who never do anything else
but i'm not one of those
so i ended up getting pee on myself
and there was more
but i don't remember it


then there was a fourth part

you were being cute
and you really were really very cute
where you were kissing me
like we were an old married couple
so it was this sort of
dramatically puckered smack
but there was this whole
facial expression
and stuff
that went with it
and it was just funny
but at the same time
it was sweet, ya know
not like mocking funny
not like sarcastic commentary funny
i'm not sure how to explain it


anyway
weird, huh

oh yeah, i almost forgot

i'm also
going to make a concentrated effort
to sauna every day

i read about a detox protocol
that they used for gulf war veterans
to detox heavy metals

and i'm not doing that
not yet

but it's high doses of niacin
and then intense infra-red heat

this sauna i have access to
it is not an infra-red sauna
i wish it was
i used to go to a shape fitness that had one of those
[one of those circuit 30 min places]
it had a tanning bed too
i could only do 10 minutes in the tanning bed
and it probably wasn't good for my skin
but it had a mood elevating effect

anyway
before i do a hardcore heavy metals detox
i want to study it a little more
because
the niacin and the infra-red caused the release
but i'm not clear on what
binds with the heavy metal to remove it

and
that's kinda important

it's detox time again

and this time i'm doing things a little bit differently

like, i.e. not the master cleanse

but more than just the wheatgrass & chlorella
thing that i've done for several days, several times

i gave it a lot of thought
and i decided
i don't want to be throwing up a lot
so not too much cayenne
although maybe some cayenne
and i want more nutrients
than just lemon juice will provide

and
i want to target skin tightening
scar tissue break down
and decreasing tissue rigidity in general

as well as
detoxifying

and what i have decided will be the centerpiece
for this detox is:
msm

which i have taken off and on
mostly off for a while now

but
of course i don't want to just take msm
and i don't want to 100% let go of the master cleanse model
so
it goes sorta like this:
msm instead of cayenne
royal jelly instead of maple syrup
but
i'm also using those emergen-c packets
[both the heart health & the immune formulas]
probably 2 - 4 packets
which gets in some vitamin a & d & zinc & plant sterols
and the msm doesn't taste so vile mixed w/emergen-c

and i'm still gonna take the superfood powder mix i like
and the wheatgrass and chlorella
[not just for greens and nutrients but fiber too]

but i'm also adding an herbal tincture
[basically essiac formula]
and noni juice
i'm not sure why noni juice
i remembered having good results with it before
and i had a friend who took it while she was on chemo
and swore it helped her
but now i can't seem to find anything anywhere
that tells me what it's supposed to do

my recollection
it's a tonic adaptogen

the essiac
is an herbal remedy
that's supposed to cure cancer
but it doesn't cure cancer
what it does is to help detoxify
the blood, liver, kidneys, lymphatic system
and sooth and tone the mucus membranes

i may eat some salads or green juice
if i get really really hungry
but it is not my intention

my plan was to do 10 days
but i may end up going a little longer
if i have to build up to larger doses or whatever
i plan to use it all up
so if that goes longer than 10 days
that's ok

it will be much more royal jelly than ever before
but i think that's ok

so this is a detox
but it's kind of a health building venture as well
and i'm not sure i should combine those
so i'll have to react to what my body tells me

i think i'm starting sunday
but
i'm easing into it already
i haven't had any solid food yet today
but i'm about to eat something
not exactly sure what

i love you and i really need to write you something special

instead of just going on and on
about
whatever happens to be running through
my head

let me give it some thought

what would you like to read

i've got a bunch of stuff
but none of it has worked itself into
anything
i do better when i have something
i'm trying to say
and
i've just been saying it
so i got no focus for all these wonderful little things
i'd sort of like to use somewhere

i'm just not sure
what would you like to read, really
not just something pretty
and not something all angsty
family saga
yuck
something
a story should tell you something about
life or truth or human nature or something
maybe
or
i don't know

why am i even mentioning this
now i totally have to write something
and i don't know what i'm doing
and that is why i'm writing this
cause otherwise
i totally won't

alright
i reserve the right
to write you a really good poem
but
i'm gonna try to write you a short story

stuff

i'm afraid i'm gonna have several posts today, and they might not any of them be interesting but, you decide

ok
this has been bothering me for
several days and i guess i'll just talk about it

i was talking to this guy i know
and he was saying something about being fat
and i never would have described him as fat
so i was all like:
do you really think you're fat

he's like i'm guessin about six feet tall
and he's like:
i'm blah blah pounds
so yes

now
i have to say
i am fifteen pounds heavier than that
and i am no where near six feet tall
and
blah blah i got heavy bones
and i know i'm fat, still
but it bugs me a little anyway
not a lot, just a little

but
what he says next
that really bothered me

i say something about knowing what he's talking about
or blah blah polite me-too-type agreement
covering my mild irritation
and he says:

but it's different for you as a woman

[wait for it]

it's not as bad to be a little meatier for a woman

now say what???!!

oh surely you've noticed that
blah blah blah
and then he's talking about how he likes large women

and i've got all these thoughts
which i will now share with you
because you might want to know the stuff that runs through my head

ok
first
i'm running back all the compliments he's ever paid me
thinking they were legitimate
and i'm wondering if they were, really
cause i wasn't meaning to be flirting with him
and i didn't think he was flirting with me
but now, i'm not sure

second
[and i should mention all this is probably
really simultaneous not chronological]
a sarcastic commentary:
oh yeah, i totally noticed how men were flinging aside
the cute size twos to stand in line to get at me

third
no no no
i know exactly where the line is
because whenever i went under it
i started getting attention i couldn't handle
and i had to go gain thirty pounds in a month
the line is under size 14

fourth
but you want him to find you attractive
[meaning you]
so
you can't have it both ways, can you
either he's attracted to you or he's not
you were with somebody for years and years who was not
and it really really bothered you
so if it's bad to be attracted to you
then where are you leaving him
either the zaftig is good
or he's attracted to you in spite of it
which may be what you want
but it's a slippery slope


and there are certain women who
i think
you think
i compare favorably next to
[i can't say, but i think you know who i mean]
and we are the same type, generally
but she is younger
and in better shape
and
actually
smaller

so where i started out
just vaguely grossed out that i might have
mistaken attraction bias as
actual regard for my skills or attributes
i finished up
feeling like i have put you in a very difficult situation
and i don't mean to

i reason with myself
it is far different to be attracted to someone
than to be attracted to their body
and that, for most people
there are parts that they find more and less appealing
on any particular body

but i find
my thoughts on the subject
are much more confusing than i thought

i mean
how is it even vaguely logical
to want every other male in the world
to see me as totally not a possible sexual object
and any form of flirting has to be obvious
and just as obviously recreationally leading nowhere
but still
that i look good to you
you are supposed
[with almost no additional effort on my part
because all that make-up is phony and gross]
to think i am
beautiful
and
sexually stimulating
and
the mother of your children
[rather, potentially, i guess
but, no
i want you to see that when you look at me]

i mean
that's kinda asking for a lot, huh

so then i start thinking that i should have done more
to lose more weight
to work my problem areas
to be the best looking body i can manage
not that i'm unhappy with my progress
just that i can see
how i judge myself lacking

so yeah
way better to be a girl


something i may not have told you
as i'm thinking about what i find attractive
in people i've been with before
i like scars
i like em a lot
and that is not the kind of thing you be all
freakin out about
oh my god
i don't have any good scars
so that brings things back in perspective a little
people are idiosyncratic
you can't really know what they'll be attracted to

new stuffed bell pepper recipe

when you first go vegetarian
it totally screws up a bunch of
really easy recipes
take stuffed bell peppers, for example
rice + ground beef + bell pepper
and you barely even need any spices

well
today i was trying to decide if i needed to go to the grocery
and i decided no, not if i'm creative
so i'm stuffing some bell peppers

i made a broth to use for the liquid
and i cooked some yellow split peas
[which i've never made before]
and which i bought to make a sort of protein rich polenta
and or protein rich corn bread
neither of which i have felt like eating

i submersion blended the peas
mixed em with bulgar wheat
and some queso left over from nachos yesterday

they aren't done yet
but the filling tasted way better than the beans and rice stuff
i've come up with before

and yellow peas are comparable with beans
bulgar isn't as nutrient dense as brown rice
but it gives a better texture
and the queso is basically junk food
but it added flavor better than sliced cheese
and i didn't use a ton of it

in the broth
i used some of those chiles
kombu [de rigueur]
celery
garlic powder, white pepper
cumin, curry powder
red wine

it came out quite spicy

i've got four bell peppers baking
so i'm hoping to get two meals out of it
two bell peppers is a pretty good sized meal
with a cucumber, tomato, and avocado salad on the side
or cauliflower
those are my two
not going to the store options

i feel kinda silly posting this
but
i felt a little self conscious about my last post
and all the weird food i eat
and i felt like this
was slightly redemptive

i'm sure i told you about my chili escapades
and i haven't really had the guts yet to tackle meatloaf
i was particularly proud of my meatloaf
especially after i pioneered my meat blend
1/3 hamburger + 1/3 dark meat turkey + 1/3 mushrooms
it sounds funny
but it was great
much lower calorie and fat
moister
better texture

but what can i use now
tempeh + mushrooms + ?
i haven't even known where to start
without using fake meat or textured vegetable protein
and i really don't want to go down that path
but the yellow split peas might be a start

turn it and turn it

last night the dreams were
deep and strong
complex
and
i can't remember them

i don't know
maybe
you don't like the food talk

i was wondering today
if the stuff i cook even sounds good to you
i mean
it's got a lot of weird ingredients
the macrobiotic staples have never left
even though i'm not macro
and there's a lot of raw
even though i'm not raw

sometimes
i have these fantasies
that i'm making thing special for you
catering to your health needs
and you love them
and feel really loved

then sometimes i think:
yeah whatever he's just humoring you and then running out for cheese burgers

maybe you spend all your time out
and expect that i'd have a bunch of friends

and i'm all fantasizing about making up
big batches of slaw and borscht and dehydrator cookies
so you'd have things to eat if you got hungry at random times

where is that stuff coming from
maybe
you think the stuff i make sounds yucky
and it's weird
because
although i never wanted to be domestic
some of the stuff i think i want
sounds dangerously domestic

i guess i've put a lot of energy into my food
so it makes sense

if i start dreaming about washing your underwear
and picking up after you
then
i will really really worry about myself

oh yeah, i forgot

this is important

when i cook the fish
i put it in a covered dish
in the oven at 350
i pour some olive oil in the bottom of the dish
rub the fish in the oil
[both sides]
set it skin side down to cook
put a pretty fair dose
of key lime juice over it
cover and cook

today
i was trying to juggle all the other stuff
so i realized
hey
that fish is gonna get over cooked
so i turned the oven off
i'm not sure when
but that played into the outcome
and i will do it that way from now on
and the juice
is a lovely salad dressing
i frequently just toss the fish and sauce
with greens
and call that a meal

so that
is really the fourth trick
just as important as any of the others
because i drizzled it liberally over the tacos

more food talk

i think i finally have a fish taco recipe
i am a late-comer to the world of the fish taco

they are kind of new here
[like twenty years old]
and i though of them as
"california cuisine"
not mexican food

but i had some
in california
at a restaurant bar on the beach
they were like happy hour food two dollars each
ate them while i watched the laker game
and
at first
i thought:
what's with the freakin slaw
it's supposed to be iceberg lettuce and tomato
but
by the time i ate the third one
i was sold

so i've tried to come up with my version
and they've never been that good
but tonight
i think i finally got it
they are not spicy though

naturally they have fish and slaw and avocado, but

the trick is like three things:

cod instead of salmon
[i default to salmon or tuna, normally
but i'm branching out to cod, halibut, barramundi]

no louisiana hot sauce
in the slaw
i always add this
but today
today i couldn't find it so i didn't
and i was reworking the slaw anyway
i can't believe they have no heat
but they are way better

fusion
i added some grilled onion and bell pepper
[in a nod to the fajita taco]

i have put some effort into my slaw recipe, seriously
but this one is the best so far

cabbage eviscerated into tiny little shreds
onion tiny shreds
jicama tiny shreds
toasted sesame seed oil
brown rice vinegar
umeboshi vinegar
black sesame seeds
white pepper
spike seasoning

eight - thirty

at eight-thirty i feel you
i lay in bed alone
covers pulled up to my breast bone
my head is vaguely pounding
and i shift my neck on the pillow
to try to stretch it out or pop it or something
i can't remember my dreams
though i am barely awake
and then
you're there

i feel you first
as an energetic wave
tumbling over me
then pulling me in it's undertow
contracting inward
and then rolling outward

i check
and find
dampness
were you with me in dreams
or
is it just the spill from this last wave

i think about you

thinking about me


eight-thirty

the last few evenings
i've felt you too
a couple days ago
with the force of plate tectonics
till i went off to the bath

tonight
it was later
and but brief

i wonder if it's all in my head
F4

in the beginning
i used to be sure it was you
but now
i think that then it was just the drugs

i kind of miss the drugs
but
mostly
i don't really think about it

but if you only knew the things you did to me
when first i thought you wanted me
in the big chair outside
underneath the stars

and i soared above you
you were in your mother's yard maybe
not sure, but somewhere like that, with others there
and you freaked and said:
not here
i can't do this now
and
that was when i started
calling from a safe distance

but it's been so different
the last couple years

i can rarely see inside your head
never project to you
and maybe
it is the lack of drugs
or maybe
i'm afraid to intrude
or i don't know

maybe i'm just letting you
come to me instead
and you do

mostly in electrical spasms


and i'm thinking about the way
when i'm near you
we don't occupy separate space
i don't feel attraction or repulsion from you
the way i normally would from another
which is why i'm never sure
with you
because
i just feel us
as the same energy
same frequency
but
never
that sort of invasive tension

and i think it must be like that for you too
because i'm never pushing into your space either
i'm so controlled and yet so permeable with you
it sounds bizarre
but it feels
somewhat
like
home

and i wonder if the lovemaking will
lack the awkwardness that everything else with you has lacked

but
as i sit here drinking my shiraz
i just want to be
close to you

my cooking exploits may only be exciting to me

okay
so remember how i went to the farmer's market
i got that big bag of dried chiles
i never did say what i got them for
and
sure
i'm gonna use them for a bunch of stuff
but
i specifically got them for borscht
i was using the chili flakes
like the kind one uses on pizza
but i thought i'd try
extended simmering
of large dried peppers
to flavor the water
before
starting the soup proper

so i did that
with kombu
[cause i don't make soup without kombu anymore]
for about an hour and a half
four large chiles
and a 4x4 sheet of kombu
with some garlic powder and white pepper

and it was pretty tasty just like that, actually

i added more water
three enormous beets, diced
some more galic and white pepper
the left over juice from preserved lemons
and some nellie & joe's famous key west lime juice
[my go to "lemon juice"]

and it was too full to add the onions

so i let it cook down for another thirty minutes

i took the chiles out
because i down want them dropping all their seed
i just wanted them for flavor
and two hours is plenty of flavor

i added one big sweet yellow onion
some lemon/orange pepper
and some shiraz

it's been cooking a while now
it tastes sweeter than is maybe optimal for me
but i don't add sugar or anything
i've never used key lime juice before
normally i use lemon juice
and apple cider vinegar
and i have trouble getting it tart enough
no problem this time
perfect on the tartness scale

i'm gonna let the onions cook down
then i'll strain it
maybe eat the beets for dinner
and chill the soup
i have some pickled beets that i can add
if i want chunks later

but mostly
i don't add dairy
i don't add chunks
i just
chill
and drink

i was trying to think what i think about marriage

you see
i want to marry you
have wanted to since forever

but
i'm not really sure
what i mean when i say that

i've always been uncomfortable
with the whole patriarchal framework
and i disagree on principle
with involving the government

so
just on that basis
i should not want to get married

but
it isn't just that

the whole planning, expense, and psychosis
that i find vaguely nauseating
i don't have a bunch of friends
and i don't want my family there
[that sounds harsh i know
but it's how i feel]

so
why
am i surfing websites
looking at ketubahs
[http://www.etsy.com/listing/69258281/talmud-page-ketubah]
why do i want to be under the chuppah with you
glass breaking

what is it that i actually want
not some community event
[which is what i think i'm supposed to want]
not an occasion to wear a fancy dress
[i can't even picture myself in a wedding dress]
not a legally binding contract
[saying you got trouble to get rid of me]
not some sort of religious act
[invoking the laws of moses and all]

so what exactly is it that i want

i guess
it's some sort of
symbolic transformative moment
that i'm looking for
but of a specific kind
because
i think we've had transformative moments

do you understand this

is it all emotional


it's not that i want to own you
or control you

i'm not now
nor have i ever tried to tell you what to do
i might tell you what i want
or what i need
or what i think is right or fair
and then i might wait forever
for you to decide that you are willing to do that

or i might give up and decide that you'll never
be willing or able or whatever

see

i know you love me
i have known it for like
coming up on five years
but what that means
to you
to me
to the nature of reality

that's the part
i'm never completely sure about

and i get now
that maybe it wasn't like it was for me, for you
or maybe it was but you deal with it differently

anyway
maybe you don't remember meeting me
and maybe i was just a very abstract love
maybe you felt like you had to do or say
things that weren't true
to keep me interested

but
surely we are beyond that
so there is never any need
to tell me what you think i want to hear
if what you want from me is limited
i will not hold that against you
i know girls say that kind of thing
and it is almost always a lie

but let me explain:
i want what you want freely to give me
if i feel like i'm forcing it from you

[whether it is a big or small deal]
it makes it tainted

and i want to feel free to give to you
if i feel like i can't trust you

[see above]

so
if you want the perfect longing of never having
i get that
and
if you love my mind
but you don't find me physically attractive
i get that

telling me either of those things
would not make me stop loving you

and i'm not saying that either is the case
but
do you understand

i cannot believe it has been forever
and we aren't bored with each other

preserving my love for you
is more important than the form
of the expression

i don't know if you
know what i mean or not

maybe i'm blah blah-ing so much that i'm just making you insecure

but i'm confident that this trait
is not something you understand well
or have experienced
like ever
so
i'm just trying to make it clear
like i thought i had
but
am now sure i didn't
years ago

what perhaps is true-ly random

last night i dreamed
i cut my hair
or got it cut
really
and
somehow
with the cutting it got thicker

i was happy
there was probably some other stuff, too

today
a guy was startled when i told him my age
he thought i was a couple years younger than him
and he's six years younger than me
that felt ok
although
secretly
i want to look 28
i don't know why 28
i don't think that's particularly realistic
but there it is

i'm not as sore as i expected to be
from my fall
which is good

they are supposed to be opening
a soccer stadium
within walking distance
from where i live
do you think
i can learn to like soccer

love you very much

i don't know what this means

i went to the farmer's market today
i woke up with a headache
got a late start
blah blah
blah

i asked for a sign
i think i got more than one

i bought mostly fruit
tomatoes and cucumbers
apricots and guavas
figs and finger bananas
strawberries
avocados
some dried chilies
a huge bag of hybiscus tea
a few vegetables
but apparently
i want fruit, mostly

don't think there's a sign there

when i was leaving it started to rain
this might be a sign
as we have had no measurable rain for over 100 days

but my car doesn't like the rain
and it was about 4 and there was traffic
so stop and starting
and it tried to die
[and i specifically said no car signs
so even though this was disturbing
i don't think it's a sign]
so i pulled into a parking lot
and i sat there for almost 3 hours
asking my music player to answer questions for me randomly
and singing

i didn't actually find this boring
but it did reinforced how much i hate traffic

the answers it gave me were
nothing short of amazing
like the perfect answers sometimes
perfect song for the answer
sadie brown and sarah and when i asked it
if i was the love of your life

[cause i realize i might not be
it could be that girl from when you were 12
or it could be
well, somebody else
but you know i want it to be me
like by a landslide, not even close]

anyway, so i asked it, and
the answer made me breath a little harder

but when i got back to the house
i was carrying in all my bags
and my cat got under my feet
and my pants were falling down, too long
and the rug was flipped back slightly
all of which
in some combination
i went sprawling to the floor
and landed hard
on my right breast

so now i'm really sore
and tomorrow it will really really hurt, i think

i soaked in some epsom salts
turned over in the tub
and thought i felt you with me

when i asked my computer player
how you were feeling about me
because i thought maybe
something
since i thought i felt you
but it says
you think i'm breaking up with you

which i don't think you think
but just so you know
i am not

feeling from the depths

i don't remember
what i dreamed
i remember
the feeling

like
a
hug

a
needed
hug

and
i don't
know

if
i know
why things are what they are, or
what any of it means, or even if it matters
that i understand any of it, because, maybe it
only matters that i
love you

can be with you in spirit
even when my body
isn't

and tonight, beloved
i imagine the feel of denim
touching you
through your clothes
tentatively, like a girl
let me spin the bottle
meet me in the closet
for however many minutes in heaven it is

paint the story of your love
on my flesh

what shall we use for paint

we could pick berries
into the rolled upward end of a t-shirt
crushing them in one palm
on the grass by a stream
a creek

i roll into you
all the beautiful exploratory boy-girl moments
that i never really had
and never really knew i wanted

i will lick dewberry juice from you


another night
we can be grown up