i haven't been able to write the sex scene

i woke up this morning
and
i tried to masturbate
i haven't in a long time
and
i thought i'd give it a go
it was not completely unsuccessful
there was lubrication
which i was worried might not happen
that's what i've been reading
and
i did [sort of] finish
but it was weak
and i'm not a one time girl
i mean
i typically would not consider less than three or four
to be even marginally finishing

but
ya know
i'm out of practice and i may need to buy a device
anyway
that didn't put me in the mood the way i hoped it would
but
it did make me feel kinda warm and cozy
and ya know
i told myself how much i loved me and stuff

so then
what i really wanted to do
was go to coffee shops
and walk along canals
and
live in a canal boat with you
and
i tried to work sex into those places
i was originally thinking of locations
and
it just ended up being a like joyful romp through the happytown
happy to be alive, moments of joy
spinning down the street in the sunshine

i had a great day with you
but every time i tried to work things around to sex
it just seemed sort of heavy and intense

i'm sorry
i know i said i would write it
maybe you were really looking forward to reading it
but i couldn't


goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

so now you're wearing a tuque
and a peacoat
you're sidling up to me
askin me if i've seen the "white whale"

have i ever been to the spermaceti room

i have not


up till now
you've had your coat pulled close
hands in your pockets
squinting
you've said aaaaarrrrr more than once
but now
you lean dramatically against the wall
all your weight on one hand
your coat falls open
you shift your hips popping forward
you are wearing thick canvas sailor pants
the kind that button up on both sides of a front placket
they are wide leg and not especially form fitting
but
as you push your hips forward
something is moving in the front of your pants

maybe it's an eel
some dread sea serpent
hell, maybe it's animatronic

i think of the bull in urban cowboy
shit, that's mixin metaphors

it's just the urge to ride
i guess

i gotta go to bed now
please come dance in my dreams
i'm pretty into this concept

i love you sweetheart

so
you've been dancing around in my head
you're up on an gantry
which completely circles the room
i'm in the lower room
which is dark
and smoky
and slightly strobing
[somewhat based on early 90s pacific street]
but also
not like that at all
the chairs look like giant peyote buttons
and there are brightly colored phantasmagorical images
swirling around
which might be an elaborate light show
or might be hallucinatory

you have traded your pixelated block edit
for an enormous cod piece
it's a prickly cactus
with a flower at the end

which is ridiculous
but
somehow
mesmerizing

weird fantasy stuff that i saw in my head last night

when i was thinking about you in suspenders

suddenly i saw you
in the suspenders
and
some sort of like chaps
there was a point in my life
when i saw men in chaps
semi frequently
and it's kinda weird to see a grown man
walking down the street with his ass cheeks exposed
but
the front was always covered
and
i can't now remember how that worked
if the front was leather
or jeans
but

in your case
for the sake of this fantasy
it was the front that was uncovered
so
like your leather fetish suspenders
were holding up these leather chaps
and your man parts were exposed

i found that enjoyable
although the focus was a bit hazy
i, apparently, have a pretty clear idea
of what kind of penis i like
though i haven't really seen that many of them
and i'm very hesitant to paint myself a picture of yours
because
i guess i still think i might see it someday
and i don't want to ruin it
but having painted myself into a corner


i didn't picture the actual sex, either
i guess it was enough to watch you
strutting around
in leather chaps
but
i guess i should mention
not like leatherman black leather
no
and not assless

it had a more cowboy vibe
rawhide leather
and jeans
with your leather suspenders
and

your slightly out of focus
slightly morphing member

which now
i'm kinda picturing as a mildly pixelating block edit


so
some sexual thoughts
weird
but
present and accounted for

= )

this is stuff i would edit out, but maybe stuff you should know, so yucky outtakes

i slept super late
in fairness
i was up super late
after i fell asleep in the chair
i was up another few hours
off and on

the last few days
i've been hormonal
i started to say depressed
but
that doesn't cover it
it's been
hopelessness and anger
and wistfulness
some other less nameable states

there's been some mucus down there like there might be
something still going on
and that
gives me some emotion as well

i'm trying to get this hormone stuff down
pregnenolone and progesterone
and maybe i need estrogen
my body is demanding lots of soy milk
i actually feel better since i'm back on the soy
after the eggnog of xmas

i want to see you
but
full disclosure
i'm not sure when i'm gonna be able to do that
my finances are pretty bad right now

for the record

I like the suspenders

I wasn't trying to put you off em

they just startled me

but

now

I miss em

i fell asleep in the chair again

didn't get to hear you

hoped it would be archived

I hope you had fun sweetheart

I love you

very much

you're so adorable 

goodnight sweetheart

💋

💋

goodnight sweetheart 

I love you very much

I love you

I love you sweetheart

I don't know if you expected me to be there

but

I never said I could be there

so

I hope you're not mad at me for that

I gotta go to bed

I'm holding you in my dreams

i love you
i'm so sorry
*deep hug*

i'm doing a week of raw
to try to get myself back on track
i may do a week of raw a month
or
i may just try to replace
a lot of my regular food stuffs with raw versions
i may then do
like a week of bone broth
or vegan
or
some other stuff

i ordered some used cookbooks
i had this cookbook that's gotten lost somewhere over the years
daily specials from the moosewood restaurant
it's all soups and salads from their daily menus
moosewood is a vegetarian restaurant that's run by a collective
in Ithaca NY

so
i ordered that, hardback, an old library edition
the one i had was paperback
so this should last better
i also ordered
a low fat
and a cooking for health
cookbook
also used library editions
the first one should be here tomorrow
the other ones are coming book rate
so
sometime soon-ish
the health one
the lowfat one
the daily special one
i saw this one on an tv talk show with the author
when i was a kid
and
then when i was looking for a cookbook later i recalled it
but
there were other one
which looked more interesting
so
i've never bought the broccoli one
ok, maybe i wasn't a kid exactly
i was remembering more like 79 and it was 82

i love you sweetheart
meet me in dreamland

Cheesecake

Cherries

Modus Transportati

California Coastal Architecture

Do this don't do that, can you read the signs

I fell asleep

in the chair

in the midst of writing this

here's hoping

her rockin my dreams

PS

Tender

Tinder

Whaaaa?!

i love you sweetheart
i gotta go to bed
i was looking for stuff
but
it will have to wait
til tomorrow

*kiss*

yeah?!

the other day at work
my finger was feeling like i jammed it
i didn't have any recollection of jamming it
but that's how it felt, ya know
my pointer finger on my left hand
so i was holding it up
and kinda stretching and bending it
ya know, kinda puttin it through it's paces
wondering if i had arthritis
this guy comes up to me and asks me:
what'd you do to your finger?

so i tell him about it feeling jammed, but blah blah not probably
he says:
can i see it?
in what struck me at that moment as, well
let me just say
my brain seems to have added

i am a practitioner of traditional chinese medicine
(or chiropracti, anyway)

so i hand him my arm

he looks at it

and
he jams his right pointer finger into a point
just above my wrist
hard

and i'm thinking:
OUCH!
(but, ya know, it always hurts when you find the messed up spot)
and
(that could totally be a meridian)

but then
i'm thinking:
NO!  OUCH!
and i'm like:
that hurts!

and he presses in

and my brain is like ABORT!  ABORT!
and i am trying to pull my arm free from this man
who has suddenly become

inscrutable


and he looks at me:

i think there's something wrong with you