i keep getting this weird feeling

and i don't know
if it's just
paranoia
or
what

but
i keep feeling like
maybe

i've upset you
or disappointed you, somehow

and
if so
i'm sorry, really sorry

maybe i coulda done better

i feel like
this is going to work itself out

i don't know how
but
i assure you
if i did know how
i woulda done did it

i'm thinking about you

i love you
and
i really hope
that
with everything
all the craziness
that
i have been
mostly
whatever you needed
that
you're better off
for knowing me
sometimes
i worry
that
sometimes
i'm a distraction
or
too big of an influence
but
hopefully
not


probably just
a mood
it's happy happy blood time

i love you and i hope i see you in my dreams tonight

we could talk
or
we could not talk
just lay some knowledge on me
mind meld style

what does it all look like
from the inside
out

debbie heather in leather...

i was in a room
with you
and debbie heather
and
a toddler
yours, for sure
not mine, i think
an adorable little boy
i was playing with him

debbie heather was modeling a leather dress for you
she was going to her high school reunion
and clearly
she wanted to spend some time with you before she went

she turned to me:
i don't guess i could get you to leave us alone

no, i will, i say

and i turn
going to catch the bus
which has just started to pull away from the bus stop

there is some kind of magical action
tiger jumping
swishing tail
and then
i run
i jump
i grab the bus
and hang mid-air
while the bus drives a few blocks down the street
my dress hiked up around my ass
until the bus stops and i get on board
everyone claps

then we are fooling around
and not fooling around about it
i can't remember the specifics
but
hot, seriously
not, though, intercourse
and i had come many many times
when
finally
you pushed into me

and i was like:
oh god yes, finally

but then
you didn't start to move in me
you just filled me

and
my first thought was:  noooooooo
but then
my next thought was: yeeeeeessssss

and then
we worked together, somehow
and
whenever we were alone
i would touch you
and kiss you on the back of your neck
which was leathered from years of desert life

and i was so proud of myself
because
no one could tell

i was
controlled

debbie heather in leather, tiger tail, and a whole lotta shakin goin on

I'll have to write this later
when I get a second
but
I just want to assure you
the fact that Debbie heather is in leather
in no way indicates
that I did
or
in any way
have a desire to
it's just pertinent to the story
I've never been attracted to her
but
I talked to her in the dream

redux

i can't remember most of them
but
i do remember
night before last
i dreamed i had a friend
and she thought she was gonna help me out
or something
so
when i went to sleep
she gave me breast implants

now
A) i don't want breast implants
[like
if i had a double mastectomy
i would not get them]
B) i don't want my breasts bigger
[like seriously
i would kinda like them smaller
but
i would never have them reduced
because
hello
both surgery
and
they fucking remove your nipples
and slap them back on
and then
like maybe
you can feel them
maybe]
C) they hadn't made a small incision
they had cut across my breasts
horizontally
about an inch below the nipples
and sewed them back up
kinda frankenhooker

i found this really upsetting

they aren't really bigger
she pointed out
i guess she was a surgeon
they are just shaped better
and i used saline

holy crap
you used saline
that shit sloshes
if you're gonna disfigure me
can't you at least make me firmer

and
it didn't look like it was gonna heal that well

it was a terrible dream

and
i guess the shoes i've been wearing are slightly flatter
or something
because i've been waking up with leg cramps
and
frankenhooker night
was thigh night

please
when you get to dreamland tonight
please come see me
or
send happy dreams my way

this sucks
and i hate it

i love you, papi

the magician card

at different times
there will be a card
that will just keep popping up
the emperor
was telling me something
i didn't want to believe a while back
the tower seemed to be
chasing me
at another time
well
lately
it's the magician
and
i think
the magician is you
the new card that represents you
the way the emperor did
and
i think
that's a powerful sign
of something
but
not sure exactly what yet
thought you should know though

dessert

last night
i don't know if it's just because i'm detoxing
but
i dreamed about dessert

i was at some festival
and
every booth i stopped at
had dessert
in fact
i think
maybe there was a new one that might not exist
kind of a reconstruction of apple pie

the center
not chunks of apple
but clear golden gelee
on some kind of crumble crust

like something the sushi bar might create


and today
all day
i wanted you

so badly

intimacy

i guess
is part of what the birth fantasy is about

i feel this strength, this certainty
that i can actually do this thing i've always feared
and
not just feared
it disgusted me
the idea
the very idea of childbirth

i never had some rosy beautiful womyn-image of it

as soon as i saw the pictures of the afterbirth at eleven
that was something
wrong

the movies in college
just confirmed
that it hurt

but
now
i have this certainty
that it is a physical feat
that it can be done
that i can do it

even
if maybe
i can't, or won't get to

but
to do it in a hospital
to have my power taken away

to have you there
it imbues you
with qualities
i have never had in a partner
or maybe even in anyone
and

maybe you are like that
strong
able to believe
and
maybe
that's a little what we do for on another anyway, ya know

but this
this is hardcore
this is the kind of belief in each other
that creates something from nothing, understand

but
on a whole other level

i have had a bunch of ideas

for things to write
telling about my day to day
and
i've started a detox
and i've got some negative stuff coming up

i want to decide
what shakes out

metaphor-wise

cause i can go a buncha ways with this

hope you're tearing it up
or whatever

i love you tigger

birth of the puppyfish

should we do it under water
i'm asking
because it makes a certain amount of sense
but
it isn't necessary from my point of view

what is necessary
is
you

are you up for that

because the way i've got it pictured
[and, full disclosure
this was influenced by things i read
from raw home birthing]
i build this nesting environment
[it's some kinda chick instinct]
then
it's feeling like it's time

so

we make love

[i swear to god]
this works some kind of magic
because your seed is magic prostaglandins

then
or maybe during
you have a little nip of colostrum
healing
vitality building

and then
we bring him into the world, together

i don't want a hospital
hell
i don't want a doula

i want you

could you handle that

i don't want to go to work today

today
i want to spend the day
in bed with you

i love you very much

lawn & order

i can't help myself
i imagine
our life
warm washes of color and pattern
not focused
more like tuning in a pattern
more like underpainting
and that imagining
interferes
impinges
confuses
replaces
my life

it frightens me

lately
i imagine this place
like the tiniest little house
it's too small i say
two people cannot live in that place

but the strange thing is, when i imagine you
you never take up space

not like
the bed isn't big enough
or there isn't a chair

like
there doesn't need to be privacy space
like
your never in the way

and
i mean
surely, i cannot be that naive

regardless, i imagine this little place
with this really awesome yard
and, the thing the places we live have in common
is this kinda indoor outdoor vibe, right
so, there
all the space you need

but, i mean before i got the inside furnished
i got this standing outdoor brunch gig scheduled till perdition

and i'm all like:
wtf

and right back i'm like:
if you live in that house you got to do that

wtf, your fantasies are too much work

i have a bunch of thoughts

but i've had a bad headache all day
and it's muddling me

i wanted to straight up write you all these days
and
i'm feeling
kind of inspired
but
i can't pull it off tonight

i love you, am thinking of you

but right now
i'm thinking about the pavillion for japanese art
if we actually went there
walked around the galleries
went to the snack bar
talked about the rain with the older than me gay male couple
sipped coffee in the beautiful drizzle

would it have been just like that
how
..........zen
...................are
............................you

it's thursday

the giant visual metaphor bubble
maybe you know what i'm talking about
it's a thing that i do
where what i'm doing and seeing and experiencing
becomes experientially narrative, see

anyway
what i'm trying to say
is that it doesn't always work to my advantage
menstrual blood is, like, the fucking red sea
and i hate it
but
i swear to god
right now
right
now
i could do one of those wemoon festival

no
now wait
that's outta control
and you can't be telling him stuff like that
men are afraid of all that menstrual crap
and you're gonna look crazy
or not sexy or whatever, but not good
not what he wants to hear

the menstrual cycle + werewolf mythos =
something interesting there

re: devouring you
consuming subsuming you within my body
animalistic fantasy without words

you do that too, right

suck whatever you're doing up into the fantasy
sort of a ritual embodiment
of the thing you're doing
sort of an investment of meaning
but sort of just a fantasy too
and maybe the edge of that is ticklish or hot
or maybe it's a blanket i wrap around myself

whatever

the ghost of the tilt-a-whirl

remember, can you
the sparkling desert carnival
where the evening stars bloomed in the sky
like the cactus
after the rain

we walked together, sharing a beer
with the cool of the evening rubbing against us
begging the question
of friction

then
hands clasp
we ran across the dryness
scattering integument
until we reached the naked truth

plunging into and through one another

secret oasis

stay with me in the desert tonight, my body a nest of stars
and show me
nodes

i trace the letters of the name of another woman across your chest
above your heart
and i say:

who is she
the woman you gave your heart to
i want to know
i can handle it
but
you shake your head tapping the other side

as i press ear and cheek to you
i sink
into the sound of the sea

mrs. potter's lullaby

i heard it today
it's on the spool at work
i hear it every day, but i heard it today

and tonight
tonight i want you

hey, is this gross

i've been using this "peeling" exfoliant
and i love it
it feels awesome
and
i really want you
to rub that all over my back
partially because i can't reach
but
partially
because i just think it would feel really good

but
it might be gross to you
because the skin just peels away
and maybe you aren't cool
with that whole monkey grooming thing

and
i'd probably need to shower after
and then
i'd want you to soap my back