intimacy

i guess
is part of what the birth fantasy is about

i feel this strength, this certainty
that i can actually do this thing i've always feared
and
not just feared
it disgusted me
the idea
the very idea of childbirth

i never had some rosy beautiful womyn-image of it

as soon as i saw the pictures of the afterbirth at eleven
that was something
wrong

the movies in college
just confirmed
that it hurt

but
now
i have this certainty
that it is a physical feat
that it can be done
that i can do it

even
if maybe
i can't, or won't get to

but
to do it in a hospital
to have my power taken away

to have you there
it imbues you
with qualities
i have never had in a partner
or maybe even in anyone
and

maybe you are like that
strong
able to believe
and
maybe
that's a little what we do for on another anyway, ya know

but this
this is hardcore
this is the kind of belief in each other
that creates something from nothing, understand

but
on a whole other level